Hello, I'm Kiki. Thanks for checking out this fanfic. It was initially being written in desperate anticipation of Elliot Stabler's pre-spin off SVU guest appearance April 1. After viewing the first two OC episodes, I've edited this story. I hope you enjoy.
Midmorning could be a decent change of pace, a time for recovery and a chance for the squad to regain their footing after putting together the pieces of whichever horrendous, incomprehensible criminal act against the human body troubled their psyches. That is, as long as all cases have at least progressed beyond the early investigative stages. Additionally, with the bitter winter locked outside the walls of the 16th Precinct, the squad room served as an environmental haven. In the couple hours before lunch, the office fulfilled its potential to exist in contrast to the mental hell it usually is.
Captain Olivia Benson stood in front of the coffeemaker in the main area of the squad room. She could've used the Keurig in her office to make better quality tea, but she wouldn't have been able to listen in on Amanda and Kat's conversation. Her leadership style insists on at least letting her face be seen without the forebode of an unsolved abuse, rape, or murder case. Olivia stood with her feet planted shoulder-length apart and her arms loosely folded below her breasts. This was her passively-alert-and-slightly-distracted power stance. As the machine spurted out its steaming water, Olivia kept a keen ear out.
"I'm thinking about bringing a friend to the fundraiser," Kat sighed in a manner deviating from her usual self-assuredness. Amanda paused from typing into her computer and turned an inquisitive eye to Kat. She asked, "What's to think about? No matter how much you like your coworkers, these functions can be... unexciting, to say the least. If there's somebody who makes the dull moments brighter, you'd better bring 'em." Amanda's words seemed to restore Kat's confidence, or they at least decreased her relationship insecurity. The tone of her voice lifted an octave, bringing a reserved smile to Olivia's face as the last of the water drained into the glass coffeepot. "I'm not worried about people murmuring. I'm used to the different ways people react to the unadvertised fact that I'm out. I'm too young not to live," Kat responded. "The only question is if the relationship is at the 'function' point. And, well, if it's that kind of relationship."
Olivia interjected, turning while she poured hot water into her the future is female mug. "I think the quickest way to find out if it's that kind of relationship is to... invite her," she suggested, returning the coffeepot to its receptacle. She dipped the tea bag into the mug several times and approached the two, stopping in the walkway between their desks. "I mean, you're too young not to live, and life goes by far too fast to wonder, Kat," the Captain added. "Plus, I think I speak for the whole squad when I say we'd love to meet her." Olivia offered a quietly wise and endearing grin.
"I know I would," Amanda agreed, nodding.
"You'd think it's Spring the way love is in the air," Olivia said.
Kat chuckled dismissively at the remark. "Well, it isn't as serious as Fin and Phoebe, so I wouldn't go that far."
"Not yet," Amanda said. "You never know."
"Interesting that you would say that," Olivia teased, setting herself halfway on Kat's desk. Kat started thumbing through forms and reports in a binder but raised an eyebrow in amused curiosity. She hadn't said a thing when Amanda told her Carisi was at her apartment for New Years. It wasn't her business, but if they were going to talk about it, then she was definitely not going to ignore it. Amanda mimicked laughter and said, "Oh my God, don't tell me we're here again."
"Like I said, I know how easy it is to get close to someone you work with. But then again, what do I know?" she said, backing off the subject light-heartedly. "I'm just the Captain around here." Olivia shrugged her shoulders, feigning ignorance. Amanda knew Olivia knew that there was something to know about her and Carisi. She just didn't know how much she knew or even if she herself knew what was going on in that relationship. It seemed they were always teetering on that boundary of the familial and the romantic. Some force seemed to pull her from that line. The closer she and Carisi approached it, the farther back she retreated. Each time.
Fin strutted into the squad room with a black mask hanging from one ear. He was carrying a box of donut holes on top of two boxes of pizza. "Okay, I got cheese and pepperoni, and I got donut holes," he said through gritted teeth as he concentrated on easing them safely onto his desk. Kat arose grudgingly. "All this training, and for nothing," she groaned, searing at Fin. "Hey, I'm just the messenger. If you don't like the message, pass it on," he said with a flat affect known as his brand of humor. Olivia exhaled, preparing to head for her office to escape the temptation. "We've got to start bringing in the healthy stuff," she said, shaking her head. Before she reached her office door, Fin caught up with her.
"Liv, I need to talk to you," he said, discreetly.
Concern swept across her face. Whenever someone needs to talk they're usually informing her someone is leaving her, or they're telling her they themselves are leaving. With Fin's recent engagement and their tenure, she feared the worst. "Sure," she said, catching her suddenly elusive breath and gesturing for him to join her in the office. When they were both past the threshold, Olivia heard the door gently click shut - not a good sign, she thought. With heavy shoulders she went behind her desk but didn't sit. Fin's hands gripped the back of one of the chairs opposite her desk.
"Fin, before you say anything," she started. "Let me just say that I'm incredibly appreciative of you, and I'm unbelievably happy for you and your family, and from the man I met twenty years ago to the dear friend you are today, I- I'll just say, it's going to be very painful imagining Manhattan SVU without Odafin Tutuola." Fin's bottom lip had fallen away from his upper lip. Her speech had taken him off-guard, and he was both shocked and flattered. He blinked, trying to determine what response would be least embarrassing for Olivia. "How long have you been preparing that one?" he asked, wearing an awkward smile that served more to soothe her than to express his own discomfort. "For a while," she replied. "We've both been here for a long time. As much as I'd want you to stay for as long as I'm here, it would be a selfish and pitiful request. Besides, everybody else has left."
He simply shook his head, and he said, "I'm not going anywhere."
Just as soon as her lungs expanded and contracted with a breath of relief, a relief that was visible in the release of the tension in her face, neck, and shoulders, she again struggled to take in air. How embarrassing that she'd gone through that whole spiel only to find that Fin wasn't putting in his papers after all. Her breathing returned to normal rather quickly, though, and she drifted down into her desk chair, trying not to appear as if she was collapsing from emotion. "So," she sighed, optimistically, "what did you want to talk about?"
Fin started by asking if she's heard the word going around that there may be a new specialized unit to combat organized crime. She said she was aware. "It's a rumor until it can be confirmed, right? But between you and me, it's not a rumor," she said before taking a sip of her tea. Captains and other higher ranking police officials were informed via mass email that there would be a new unit and given the opportunity to nominate someone for selection.
"Okay," Fin said. "Have you heard the other rumor?" The furrow of her eyebrows indicated that she was not aware of whatever rumor would've been so significant or relevant that it'd warrant a closed-door discussion. She said, "No, Fin. I haven't heard any other rumors that would be of special interest. What haven't I heard?" He sat down in the chair he'd been standing over. "I'm gonna get straight to it," he said.
"Thank you," she retorted, kind of short.
"Word is, the unit is gonna be headed by your old partner."
"Nick?" she asked, confused because of his cross-country move and family issues.
"No. Your other old partner, Liv."
"Elliot," she said, definitively, deflating.
She ran her fingers through her scalp from her left temple to her nape. Brown tresses tumbled down to the top of her shoulder. "I don't wanna over step," he said, carefully. "You'd asked me if I'd heard from him, and I hadn't." Never quite the one to explore feelings and emotional situations that don't involve victims and perps, Fin left the question open. In Elliot's absence, and Captain Cragen's absence, the role of silent confidante had in some ways fallen on him. He didn't mind because the requirements for that role are not very involved; it's easy to be the silent confidante for a professional who is almost equally emotionally reserved.
They have an understanding. He's the kicker who's always available, if needed. He'd supported her after Sealview when she sought therapy to manage her PTSD, and he'd kept that information in confidence. He'd seen it interfering with her work, and only out of respect for a colleague did he speak up. Usually, he's resigned to let people work out their own problems. He won't ask, because nobody wants that awkward confrontation. But for a friend, he could step outside the comfort of his own emotional withdrawnness.
"Yeah," she sighed. "Me neither."
They locked eyes for a moment as she reflected on the information and Fin awaited a cue to either push or withdraw. She was able to keep her eyes from glossing over, but her mind was rushed with a thousand thoughts, and questions, and stories it'd made up about Elliot's leaving - the why, the where, the whethers. Whether or not he got her messages. Whether or not he'd truly viewed her as a friend or just a part of the job. Whether or not he considered the fact that disappearing meant he not only escaped the job but also abandoned her. Whether or not he missed her. How easy was it for him to completely detach from their twelve-year partnership for nearly ten years? Did it sting? Did he lay awake sometimes, like her, even with a warm body sleeping next to him? She did. Can he still not talk about it beyond allusion? Overall, did she mean as much to him as he did to her was the question to determine just how small she should feel.
"Funny, huh?" she scoffed. "How it all comes full circle?" Fin nodded sympathetically. He told her he'd keep an ear out and let her know if he hears anything else. She let him go with a thanks. Ten years, she thought. She'd accepted that she'd never see him again. She'd told herself this was her new reality, and she buckled down and made the most of it. Sergeant. Lieutenant. Mother. Captain. Friend, mentor, and leader. She experienced love with Brian Cassidy and Ed Tucker. She fought through horrors she never could have imagined or anticipated, and she came out the other end stronger. She's empowered hundreds of more victims since 2012.
There'd been times when she only had herself to lean on, and she couldn't buy enough wine to get through the nights thinking about whether it's worth seeing and hearing the things she does. Before Noah, her life was loneliness. Her cup has been feeling full to the brim, yet she is always reminded of the emptiness behind the veiled hollow spaces in the corners of her heart. She was conflicted between wanting Elliot back in her life, even a little, and hoping he won't come back and disrupt the newfound equilibrium she's worked so hard to create. She wasn't sure she could take any more. Her stream of consciousness was finally interrupted by her desk phone ringing. All the Elliot-related worries in her mind came to a screeching halt.
"Benson."
That concludes chapter 1 of "Rearray." This is my first FanFic in six years (check out my story Floodgates). I'm excited to bring about an SVU/OC case and Bensler confict. Let me know in a review what you were thinking as you read it. Thank you.