Dear Past Victoria,
It took me a long time to figure out what to write. As far as I know, I'm the first person in history to send a letter to their past self. At least, the first who actually expects it to be delivered.
Before anything else, you need to know that Max is 100% on the level. You can trust her, because I trust her. She'll do anything for the people she cares about, and it turns out that one of the people she cares about is us. That's probably why she's my best friend. She's actually pretty awesome. Please don't get all freaked out and drive her away. LIKE YOU ALWAYS FUCKING DO I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD!
Oct 10, 2013 - [7:42 pm]
Blackwell Academy
Arcadia Bay, Oregon
"Please, Aunt Jess," I say, a little impressed by my own ability to sound normal. My hands are shaking so badly I had to put the phone on speaker. "I'd owe you big time."
"You're going to need to do better than that, Victoria. If I tell your parents they need to fly up to Seattle tonight, you'd best believe they're going to want to know why."
"I can't give you anything else right now. I swear, I'll answer all your questions in the morning." I don't think she's buying it.
"You do realize how suspicious that sounds, don't you?" she responds, in that same level tone she uses to dominate corporate boardrooms. "I wasn't born yesterday, Victoria, and I hope you don't think I'm unaware of the Vortex Club party that's happening tonight."
"This doesn't have anything to do with the party."
"Hm."
"It's true. I'm asking you to trust me."
"I want to, because when all is said and done, you've never given me a reason not to. However, you're also asking me to violate your parents' trust in me."
"I understand that. And I know how important that is to you." Time to go all in. "I'm playing the goddaughter card here, Aunt Jess. I need your help. Please."
I love my godmother, but she's not an overly sentimental woman. Asking her to trust me, blindly, just because I'm her goddaughter is the kind of thing I only get to do once or twice in my life. But if there was ever a moment for it, this is it.
"Are you in danger?" she asks, sharply. "Or involved in something illegal?"
"Nothing like that," I lie, hoping that she'll forgive me when all this is over.
The line is silent for what feels like a really long time. "...I expect a full explanation, first thing tomorrow morning."
I softly let out the breath I'd been holding. "Thank you so mu-"
"Tomorrow morning, Victoria," she repeats. "Absolutely no later than nine AM. And it'd better be good."
"It will be," I say, confident that the utter destruction of Arcadia Bay will buy me some extra credibility. "You have my word."
"And I'm going to hold you to it." She hesitates, her voice softening. "Victoria, if there's anything you want to tell me, something you might think you can't tell your parents, you know that I'll always be here for you, don't you?"
"I know. Thanks. Really." I swallow heavily. I hate lying to her so much. "I have to go. I love you, Aunt Jess."
"I love you, too, Victoria. Be safe."
"Always."
I hang up, relieved beyond belief that Mom and Dad are going to be safe from the storm. Aunt Jess can move mountains if she has to; I know she'll be able to talk my parents into traveling to Seattle at the last minute. It's a testament to her persuasiveness when I get a call from Mom only ten minutes later, letting me know she and Dad will be doing just that.
Ignoring the dozen or so unread messages that demand my attention, I put my phone on my desk and move to sit heavily on my couch.
I'm supposed to be in the pool building right now.
The sun set a while ago, and the party's doors open in less than an hour. I should be overseeing all the last-minute details, confirming that the DJ has the right playlists, getting the VIP section's bar stocked, and making sure no one asks too many questions about what it's stocked with. Not that the last one is much of a challenge. It's anyone's guess as to whose family owns more of Blackwell, mine or Nathan's, but either way Wells knows better than to rock the boat.
I'm supposed be doing all that. I should be acting like there's nothing wrong and life is normal. Except it turns out that my favorite teacher gets off on drugging and photographing teenage girls, one of my oldest and closest friends is a murderer, and in a little less than two hours I'm supposed to let one or both of them kidnap me.
So I'm not in the pool building. I'm sitting in my dorm room, door locked and blinds drawn, clutching a crumpled letter in my hands and trying not to cry.
Why the hell is this happening? What did I do to deserve this? It's not fair. I'm a senior and I'm practically the head of the Vortex Club. This should be my time, right? I should be having a year that I'll look back on fondly for the rest of my life, shouldn't I?
My phone buzzes, creeping toward the edge of the desk. I don't care who the message is from but looking at my phone makes me want to call Mom back. They probably haven't left yet. I could tell them how I lied to Aunt Jess and ask them to stay. I could just walk to my car right now and drive over to tell them in person. It's only five minutes away. I could probably be there before I've had a chance to talk myself out of it. I could confess everything and hug them both, then run up to my bedroom and hide until all this shit goes away.
But I won't.
Looking down, I loosen my grip on the letter in my hand and try to smooth out the wrinkles. I might've doubted it if it weren't handwritten, but it is. It's from me; I can't deny it. It's written by me, to me, and I can't think of any reason for me to lie to myself. But some of the things it says are tough to believe.
All the family accounts frozen? Working a day job to make ends meet? Living in the Montlake house with Max Caulfield, roommate & best friend?
Fucking Max Caulfield. Once again she comes stomping into my life like the drama queen she is. She's always been an attention whore, and what better way to get everybody's attention than coming back in time to save the whole tow-
No. Stop it.
I'm turning into that same jealous bitch I always do. The one who gets scared and starts tearing people down. This is why people hate me. Not that I care about the opinions of a bunch of los-
Stop it.
For the first time, I'm sorry I begged my parents to let me stay in the Blackwell dorms. What good is independence if it means having to be scared and alone? I want to talk to someone, but at a time like this the only people at Blackwell I'd talk to would be either Nathan or Taylor.
Nathan or Taylor.
Nathan the murderer.
Taylor, the girl I'm in lo-
God fucking damn it, this is not the time!
It'll be fine. I'll be fine. I just need to stay calm, focus on the situation at hand, and definitely not let my mind keep going back to how much future-me insists I need to...
...tell Taylor how you feel about her. However she might feel in return, it's better to know than wonder. Right now you're telling yourself that your feelings are going to go away, but they won't. And the longer you keep them in, the worse it's going to get. You have an opportunity that was stolen from me and believe me when I tell you that regret is a horrible thing to live with.
You can do it. Just take it slow and easy, instead of getting yourself all wound up about it. You know that if you start freaking, she'll start freaking, and I'm pretty sure that declarations of love aren't supposed to trigger...
Oct 10, 2013 - [7:47 pm]
...an anxiety attack. That's all this is. Just an anxiety attack. It's happened before, and there's nothing to be afraid of. The world isn't ending. I'm safe. I'm in control.
Breathe.
I'm okay. Everyone is okay. Mom's surgery went fine. Kate's alive and safe. Max said so, and Max wouldn't lie...would she?
Breathe.
There's solid ground under my feet and a cute bunny in my lap. Her name is Alice and she's very soft. Victoria and I have been best friends since middle school. That wouldn't change if I told her that I'm in love with her.
Breathe.
Except she's straight, so probably a lot of things are going to change. Is she still going to be comfortable around me? What if she doesn't want to spend time together anymore? What if she's actually super homophobic and it just never came up because she thinks I'm straight, too?
Breathe.
Breathe!
I'm being stupid! Victoria's not like that, and it's not like she's got any reason to be uncomfortable around me. It's not like I'm just going to suddenly pounce on her and rip all her clothes off!
Unless she wants me to. Because if she does I'll definitely do it. If she wants me to, I'll rock her fucking world. I mean, I assume. It's not like I've got a lot of experience with girls. Or any. Because I've only ever liked one.
But I'm sure I can make up for that with enthusiasm...except she's straight, so I probably won't.
She'd probably be disgusted by the idea.
Or just disgusted by me.
Breathe!
Fucking breathe!
Why does this have to be so hard?! Why can't I be brave enough to just tell her how I feel? Why can't she be clever enough to pick up on it? It's not as though I haven't been dropping hints. I mean, just last Christmas alone; I dropped so many hints that week that I might as well have given her a lap dance.
No one is home? Hey, let's hang out in our pajamas and cuddle on the couch all week watching movies.
Gosh, it's so warm in here with the fireplace lit. Do you mind if I just wear a tank top and these cute sleep shorts?
Ooh, those cookies are so good. Let me practically crawl into your lap reaching for another one.
Uh-oh. Looks like we're under the mistletoe. Whatever shall we do?
And what do I get? Nothing. Zero reaction, one way or the other. Vicky's either the greatest actress in history or the dumbest girl on the fucking planet!
Okay, cut it out. Remember what your therapist said. Blaming your frustration on other people doesn't make it go away. And it's not as though that was the reason I was there. My other feelings aside, she's my best friend. How could I have left her alone at Christmas? Before anything else, I was there for her.
...but I tried so hard.
I hung out near that damned mistletoe as much as I could without it being too suspicious, just waiting for the perfect opportunity to 'accidentally' bump into her. And when I finally made it happen (on what had to be the twentieth try) I kissed her right on the corner of her lips. As close as I could get to the real thing while still holding on to my precious deniability.
And I guess that's my problem, isn't it? I'm never willing to put myself all the way out there. To risk everything. And as long as I keep playing with a safety net...
Fuck it. I can't do this anymore. Max is right. I have to tell Victoria how I feel about her before I drive myself insane. It'll be easy. I'm just going to casually ask Vicky to come over and chat. I could even try to set the mood a little. Dim the lights a bit, light that cinnamon-scented candle she told me she liked, even put on some music. Maybe wear that one t-shirt that shrunk the first time I washed it and makes my tits look fucking amazing...
...or maybe I should go to her room, so she feels more comfortable. Yeah, that's a better idea. This needs to be friend to friend, not straight girl to thirsty bitch. I'm pretty sure she's been holed up in there all day, so she'll probably be happy for the company.
Gently placing Alice back in her cage, I grab my phone off the desk and start writing up a text message. It needs to be just right.
Taylor: Hi, Victoria. How are you doing this eveni-
Seriously? What am I, a fucking telemarketer?
Delete.
Taylor: Hey hey V! Wassup gir-
Whoa. Way too much. Dial it back.
Delete.
Taylor: Can I come over, Victoria? I think there's something we need to talk abo-
For fuck's sake, that sounds like I'm breaking up with her.
Delete.
Taylor: Vicky, I am so desperately in love with you that I can barely thi-
Holy crap. Calm the fuck down.
Delete.
Taylor: So, here's a crazy idea. What do you say you and me skip the party tonight?
Okay, that's promising.
Taylor: So, here's a crazy idea. What do you say you and me skip the party tonight? I was thinking we could binge some cartoons or just hang out and talk like we used to.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Taylor: So, here's a crazy idea. What do you say you and me skip the party tonight? I was thinking we could binge some cartoons in your room or just hang out and talk like we used to. Or maybe we could just rip each other's clothes off and have a whole lot of hot, wild se-
Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete. Damn it! That should NOT have been so tempting to send.
Fuck it. I'll just go see her right now and ask it she wants to hang out tonight. Open and honest. That's the best way to do this.
...no harm in hedging my bets, though. Where did I put that t-shirt?
Oct 10, 2013 - [8:07 pm]
Even though I manage not to scream, the knock on my door still scares the crap out of me. For a second, I'm certain that it's Mr. Jefferson. That he's figured it all out and come to silence me, once and for a-
"Victoria? You in there?" Taylor asks, her muffled voice making me feel like paranoid idiot. "There's something I want to ask you."
And now I'm back to scared. She has something she wants to ask me. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Why is she even here? She should be helping with the party setup! Is something wrong? Did someone screw something up because I wasn't there when I should have been? Did I seriously just fuck up the future by hiding in my room?!
Fuck. I need to calm down. Someone at the party probably had a stupid question for me and they figured I wouldn't yell at Taylor for asking it. "Uh...one second!"
Taking a quick, calming breath, I open the door and...oh, shit. She's wearing that super tight t-shirt from the carnival last summer. It's not fair how sexy she looks in that shirt. I should really stop staring at it. Eyes up, Victoria!
"Hey, Sweet T." I'm a little proud of how chill I sound, considering how close 'Sweet T' sounds to 'sweetie'. I'm really playing with fire with that nickname. "What's up?"
"Not much," she leans forward a bit, glancing into the room. "I would've thought you'd be neck deep in last minute party prep right now."
"I...uh..." Fuck's sake, say something! "I've got people handling it."
"Cool, cool," she says, nodding. "It's been kind of a messed-up week, hasn't it?"
Understatement of the fucking century. "Uh...yeah."
"Yeah," she echoes. "Honestly, I don't really feel like partying."
"Oh." Really? That's the best I could come up with?
"So I had kind of a crazy idea," she continues, sounding a little nervous. She probably thinks I'm going to get mad at her. "What do you think about us skipping the whole thing and just hanging out instead?"
What?
"I figured we could binge watch some cartoons in our pajamas like we used to, just the two of us," she suggests, adding, "We could even steal some snacks from the pool first before the party actually starts."
What?
"You want to just...skip it?" I murmur. Why now? Why tonight? Why? Any other night I'd have said yes in a heartbeat. I'd have blown off literally any other party without a second thought. Why did she have to pick tonight?!
"Yeah, pretty much." She glances away. "There's...um...there's something I wanted to talk to you about. Something kind of important to me."
What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Does she know something's up? I mean, how could she...unless Max said something to her. I bet she did, too. Little Miss Future Girl just has to get into everyone else's business. Shit! What if she outed me, too? What if she told Taylor about me and about how I feel? That little bitch! She swore she wouldn't! How dare she...
No. Stop. Calm down. Max wouldn't do that. She might be an attention-seeking, holier-than-thou, generally irritating hipster, but no one in their right mind could call Maxine Caulfield cruel.
What the hell is wrong with me! I'm usually totally in control of my shit. Why am I falling apart now? I mean, other than the fact that I could be dead and buried in a shallow grave before sunrise.
I know I should say something, but I'm afraid that if I let myself speak I'll say yes, because I want to say yes so badly. I want to say to hell with the fucking plan, then go spend the night with the girl I'm head over heels in love with. But I can't.
If Jefferson can't get me, he might just decide to grab some other innocent girl. I can't let that happen. I'd never, ever be able to live with myself.
"I..." I begin, forcing the words out. "I can't. I have to be there tonight."
"You do?"
"They're announcing the contest winner and I've got a pretty good feeling it'll be me." At least that part is true.
"Oh, right." She looks disappointed. "Well, is it cool if I come in and chill for a bit? Before you go?"
Why is this happening to me? Am I being punished? I'm probably being punished. I feel like I'm coming unspooled, and I'm scared that if she takes one step into this room, I won't be able to stop myself from kissing her. "I'm sorry, Tay. I don't have time right now."
Her expression falls a little. She's obviously upset, but why? Just because I won't hang out with her?
"I have to go, I mean," I add, hoping to smooth things over.
"Where?" She winces a little; I don't think she meant for that to come out so sharply. She reaches out to gently squeeze my hand. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Her touch leaves my skin tingling and I tug my hand out of hers before I say or do something stupid. She holds on a little tighter for a second before letting me go. "I'm going..." I've got no idea where I'm going. I just can't be here. Scrambling, I go with the first thing that comes to mind. "...to go check on the party setup."
"I thought you said you had people handling it," she reminds me, briefly looking down at her hand.
"Right. And I have to make sure none of them screwed up." Blindly grabbing for my purse, I give her what I really hope looks like a genuine smile. "If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself, you know?"
"Sure," she murmurs. The sudden shift in her mood is a little jarring. "Guess I'll see you later, then."
"You sure you don't want to go tonight? You'll have fun." While I'm getting drugged by a psychopath and dragged down to his secret bunker, but I really don't want to think about that part right now.
"I'm good."
"I know you can't resist a little dancing."
"Not tonight."
"C'mon," I press, wanting to see her smile again before I run away and hide. "There'll be plenty of cute guys to flirt with."
"I said no, Victoria!" she snaps, spinning around to glare at me. "I'm not interested in partying, I'm not interested in dancing, and I'm not fucking interested in guys!"
"I...you're..." I don't think she meant that the way it sounded, as much as I wish she did.
"Shit." She looks down, her voice thick as she begins to back away. She looks like she's trying not to cry. "Whatever. I just want to go back to my room."
I gently grab her wrist. "Taylor, wait. What's going on? Is it your mom?"
"Mom's fine," she answers shortly, not looking up. "You should go...do whatever you need to do. I'm fine."
"You're not fine, Tay," I insist. "Did I say something?"
"Yes. I mean, no, but..." She still won't look at me, wiping at her eyes with the heel of her hand. "I'm just being stupid. Forget it."
She's so obviously crying, but why? She was smiling when she came to the door. She seemed happy, even excited about spending some time together instead of going to the party. Maybe a little nervous about whatever she wanted us to talk about, but...
But then I told her I didn't have time for her. And I wouldn't hold her hand. And I know why those things would upset me, but why would they bother her this much? I'm the hopelessly smitten girl here, not her. Right? There's no way she feels the same way. I'd have noticed, wouldn't I? But what if she...no, that's crazy. She doesn't. She's straight.
Right?
While I'm running myself in circles, Taylor pulls her wrist free and starts heading for her room again, forcing me to hurry after her. "Taylor, wait!" She doesn't respond, except to quicken her pace a little. "Please, just hold up a second."
She's at her door when I catch up, her hand resting on the doorknob like she's trying to decide whether or not to ignore me. Finally, she sighs and turns around. "What is it?"
"I..." My mind goes blank. What the hell am I supposed to say? Hey, I love you and unless I'm reading way too much into some things I think you might feel the same way? What if I'm wrong? What if I'm just projecting, because I'm a lovesick idiot who's just seeing what she wants to see?
There isn't nearly enough time for the kind of conversation this needs to be, the party starts in half an hour, and I need to be there. I wouldn't make for very good bait if I weren't. But I won't leave her like this. It doesn't matter whether or not she feels the same way I do; I won't let her think for one second that I don't care about her.
She crosses her arms impatiently. "Vict-"
"You're right," I interrupt, not quite sure where I'm going with this.
"I am?"
"Usually." I shrug, and a tiny smile tugs at the corner of her lips. She's probably the only person on Earth I'd say something like that to, and she knows it.
"And what am I right about?"
"That...that we..." Unable to bring the words together, I just close the distance between us and press a soft kiss to her cheek. Her whole body seems to go rigid and even though I don't hear her startled gasp over the thundering of my own heart, I do feel her warm breath tickle my ear. My hand trembles a little as I take hers, letting the kiss linger for a little longer than a 'friend' would. It's not the kiss I want to give her. Not by a long shot. But for now, it's all I'm brave enough to offer.
A few more wonderfully slow seconds pass before finally I step back. She's staring at me, stunned and silent.
Please don't let this have been a mistake.
Please don't let this be the beginning of our end.
"You're right," I say again, before I can lose my nerve. "There is something we need to talk about."
Her eyes are wide and searching. "T-there is?"
"Yeah. There really is." I notice the way her eyes flick downward. I think she's thinking about kissing me. "But we can't right now."
"What? Why not?"
I lick my lips nervously and she glances down again. She's definitely thinking about kissing me. That's...wow.
Forcing myself to focus, I ask, "Do you trust me?"
"Of course." She doesn't even hesitate, and I feel my heart swell.
"Then I need you to trust me now, without asking any questions. Just for tonight. Can you do that?"
She nods, turning her hand a bit to lace our fingers together, and I feel a little flutter in my stomach. This is not how friends hold hands. "If that's what you need."
I don't care what Max says about not doing anything I wouldn't have done before. I have to tell Taylor something. I have to keep her safe.
"Tonight is going to be crazy, and not the good kind of crazy. There're some things I have to do that I can't ignore. People are counting on me. I want..." I shake my head. "No, I need you to stay away from the party. Go into your room and pack a bag. Keep it small. Something you can carry easily. Just the things you need and anything you can't leave behind. Make sure you have a rain jacket and a flashlight. You'll definitely need a flashlight."
"Victoria, what are y-"
"No questions, Sweet T," I remind her, giving her hand a quick squeeze. "Keep your phone on you and don't leave your room until nine-fifty, at least. Stay safe and come find me in the morning. I'll tell you everything then, I promise."
She's full of questions - overflowing with them, probably – but she keeps them to herself for now. "It had better be a damn good explanation."
"It will be. Now go." I reluctantly let her hand slip from mine. She steps into her room and reluctantly starts to close her door. "Oh, one last thing?"
"Yeah."
Should I say it? If I do, it's pretty much going to wipe out any ambiguity left. There are some things that are pretty hard to walk back, but I've wanted to tell her this for so long that it feels like I'm going to burst.
"I just wanted to say," I pause. "That shirt looks insanely sexy on you."
She blinks, surprised. "It does?"
"I've always thought so."
"Really?" she asks, a ridiculously cute blush coloring her cheeks.
"Oh yeah." I nod. "I have to go. Stay safe and I'll see you tomorrow."
"You, too."
I have to wait until her door is shut before I can make myself walk away. The party starts at 8:30, so I've got about twenty minutes to kill. Thirty, if I want to be fashionably late, which I don't. I want to be around people. I want to be seen, not for the attention but to know that no one can grab me. Which doesn't make much sense, I guess, considering that's exactly what's supposed to happen.
I take the stairs slowly, not looking forward to the walk between the dorms and the pool. As short as it is – only a couple of minutes – there's no one to walk with me. The dorm building is already empty.
I wonder if this is how Kate felt? Alone and exposed, with threats hiding around every corner? Terrified of something she barely understood? It's no wonder she ended up on that rooftop, and I didn't even think about how to get her back down. I was too busy filming the whole fucking thing on my phone.
I don't really remember why. What was I planning to do with that video? Put it online with the other one? What was I thinking?
God, I'm such a piece of shit. But if there's any reason for me to go through with this, it's so I can maybe redeem myself a litt-
"Victoria?"
Oh fuck.
"Vic? Are you okay?
This isn't happening. This can't be happening.
"Hey, you don't look great. Maybe you should sit down?"
I need to run. I need to be somewhere else. With someone else. Why didn't I stay with Taylor? I could be up there right now, safe and sound and confessing that I'm head over heels in love with her. Even that would be less frightening than standing here, with him.
The letter from my future self was annoyingly vague on a couple of points, but if there was one thing it had made scarily clear, it was that...
...there's something wrong with Nathan. Something you can't fix. I know how much you care about him, but the sweet kid you knew is gone. All that's left is something twisted and sick. Please stay away from him until you've talked to Max, and if you can't do that then always make sure there are other people around.
I'm deadly serious about this, Victoria. No matter what, NEVER be alone with him.