A/N: So this wasn't supposed to be anything other than an idea in my head, but thanks to purpleomaddy it is now a oneshot, lol. This is my take on those promo pictures that Twitter is speculating are from a kiss scene., and how I can see their first kiss going. Enjoy! Thank you to my beta WhatBecomesofYou :)
Day had turned to nightfall, and for the first time since learning he was being sent undercover that morning, both of them were silent. They'd spent the day at the warehouse airing two decades worth of grievances. They talked about things in their past from their days as partners, things they never thought they'd think about again, let alone discuss in great detail. They talked about how much his ten-year absence had hurt her and the things he'd written in the letter. But it was the two topics she'd saved mentioning until after the sun went down, the words she could only say in the dark, that would haunt him with guilt for the rest of his life.
I want to believe you. I do, but El, it's hard for me to believe anyone when they tell me they love me. It's hard for me to believe you because you weren't there when I needed you the most. I don't blame you for it, but it's true. You weren't there, so how can I believe that?
He had failed her.
Sure, as he assured her when she told him, he had no idea about William Lewis. No one told him. If he had known, he would have searched for her, he would've killed her tormentor, taken her home, and nursed her back to health, all with his own two hands. He would've protected her with his life.
He had still failed her because he should've somehow known, and he was never going to forgive himself for that.
The bastard was so fucking lucky he was already dead.
She'd told him about her previous experiences at Sealview earlier in the evening; she'd openly expressed why she was worried about him participating in a potentially traumatic undercover operation and that crushed him. He wanted to kill Lowell Harris too. He should've been able to protect her from that as well, but it was different. He wasn't allowed to go under with her then, because his cover had been blown. That wasn't his choice; it'd been a decision made for him by others.
Leaving her had been a choice: an incredibly hard choice, to be sure, but it'd still been a choice he'd made. It meant that not being able to protect her from William Lewis was also a choice, all because he was a fucking coward who didn't have the balls to stay in touch with her.
Hearing about Lowell Harris crushed him.
Hearing about William Lewis obliterated him.
He wasn't comparing trauma. Both were traumatic experiences, and he would never tell her she was weak for still being affected by what happened at Sealview. The reason hearing about Lewis killed him more was because, in his mind, he could've prevented it. Harris hadn't been on the radar, but Lewis had been. In his mind, he had failed her both times, but it was the second time where he'd failed her the most.
If he'd been there, he wouldn't have let her go home alone that night. He would've insisted on walking her up, and maybe even stayed with her. It sure as hell wouldn't have taken him two whole days to notice she was missing: they could've found her so much sooner. Even if Lewis had somehow gotten her for the entire four days? There never would have been a trial, let alone a second kidnapping, because Elliot would've made sure he was well and truly dead before leaving the beach house.
He wanted to dig up Lewis's grave and avenge her, but it wouldn't be satisfactory. A corpse couldn't suffer. A skeleton couldn't feel any of the pain its owner had inflicted on others. The only solace was that the monster's soul, if he'd ever had one, was hopefully burning and rotting in hell.
No, that wasn't good enough. Lewis liked fire. Water would be better. Yeah, he hoped Lewis's soul was drowning in the depths of hell, maybe in the waters of the Styx or Acheron. That sounded much more fitting.
He had to leave for the undercover operation in ten minutes, and he didn't know how the hell he was supposed to say goodbye to the love of his life in ten minutes, especially after hearing about the things she endured while he wasn't there to protect her in the past. Luckily, they'd be able to stay in contact, but still, after hearing about her traumatic ordeal, he didn't want to leave her side ever again.
They were facing each other now, with teary, raw eyes gazing at the other. Their words had left their hearts bleeding on the pavement beneath their feet.
They had to work this out because there was no way they could part while things were still unsaid between them.
His voice was scratchy as he spoke, like nails dancing across a chalkboard, but he hoped she could hear the sincerity in every word.
"I should've been there, Liv. I swear to God if I had known, I would've done anything to protect you. I would've killed him. Please tell me you know that."
There was heavy exhaustion in her voice when she finally responded, but he also heard relief. It was as if a weight had been lifted from her after so long of carrying the words in her soul. He hoped he was the reason the weight had been lifted, and that he was giving her some peace; he owed her that much.
"I know that, El," she said, reassuring him. "I told him that. I told him my old partner would've killed him, and yes, you should've been there. All I wanted was you, but we can't change the past, and what matters to me is that you're here now. I don't blame you for any of it, Elliot. The only person to blame is Lewis, but I needed you to know all of that because the woman you said you love, both in that letter and at your intervention? The woman you left? She doesn't exist anymore, and the woman she's become needs to know that you can love her too."
Her voice broke on the last few words, and he swallowed a lump in his throat. Cupping her face in his hand and offering her comfort, all of it served to reassure himself that she was alive, and had truly survived the horrors she'd described to him.
"I can. I do. I love you so much, no matter who you are or what has happened to you. I love you. I'm so sorry for everything, and I'm never leaving you again. I promise." He leaned in slowly, and she gulped, giving him a slight nod of consent. He kissed away a couple of stray tears under her eyes, and then her nose. The soft hairs of his beard tickled her cheek, as he continued to press small kisses everywhere but where she most wanted him.
She took a shaky breath, tilted her head up slightly, and captured his lips with hers.
Every emotion they weren't sure how to express, any word left unsaid, was poured into the kiss as it deepened. They pulled away slowly, and he kissed her chin. Precious time was being lost, and he didn't know how he was going to walk away from her after he finally had a taste of her.
"I love you," he whispered in a tone meant only for her. "I've gotta go, but I'll call when I can. I promise."
She gripped his hand tightly, worried about what they both knew could happen when he went undercover. "Come home safe to me. Please." She couldn't stop him from going, but she prayed he would listen to her, that he would be careful because it wasn't only him going out there into the unknown. He was taking a part of her heart with him.
"I will." He stroked her cheek with his thumb, unwilling to break contact just yet. "Please go to the car, so I know you're safe, ok?"
She nodded. "El, I can't say it back yet, but you know, right?"
He smiled warmly. "Yeah. I know." He kissed her again before they parted and waited until she was safely back in the car to walk away.
She'd barely put her key in the ignition when she heard three rapid-fire gunshots and saw him collapse on the ground.
"Elliot!" She ran to his side as quickly as she could, immediately checking for the wound. His eyes were closed, and he wasn't responding to her. She refused to let her horror-filled mind convince her that she'd lost him. "Don't you dare die on me you son of a bitch! You promised! You promised you wouldn't leave me again!" She cried against his chest.
"Liv! Liv-" She felt him shaking her shoulder. "I wasn't hit! I wasn't hit. I have a vest on. I didn't know where those shots were coming from. I had to fake it." She felt a surge of anger course through her veins: anger at herself for being stupid because after all her years on the job, she should've known he was wearing a vest, as well anger at him, for making her think he was dead, even for a moment.
"I thought you were-I thought-" Unable to voice the words, she kissed him hard.
"Shh, I'm alright. I'm sorry I scared you, but I'm alright." He stroked her hair and kissed her head softly, before standing up. "I gotta go." He shook his head as she started to follow him. "I need you safe, 'Livia. I love you. I need you to go home where I know you're safe. Please. I'll call you when I can."
"I can't leave you. I've gotta watch your back." Suddenly they were partners again, and they were in a crowded bus terminal, in a dingy warehouse much like this one, being forced to make unenviable choices. He'd choose her. He'd always choose her, which was why he needed to go into it alone.
"No. No, you gotta be safe. Go home. I'll come back to you in one piece. I promise." He kissed her quickly, but not without passion; it was a silent promise for what was to come.
She reluctantly went back to the car, waiting until he'd walked out of her line of sight to drive away.
When she arrived home, the first thing she did was put on his gray hoodie, the same one he'd given her all those years ago and she'd kept. And then she sent up a silent prayer to whoever was listening that it wouldn't be another ten years before she saw him again.
"Watch over him," she said, and she knew that even if she didn't necessarily believe, Elliot did. "Watch over the man I love and bring him back to me safely, in one piece."
A/N: Happy premiere week everyone! We made it! Thanks for reading :)