Total Drama Pahkitew Island Reordered
Chapter 2: I love you, Grease Pig!
Review Responses
MatiasND: Indeed it was.
AnonBrowser: Yeah, this isn't really a reimagining of TDPI, just sort of a fixed version. The teams, in my opinion, were totally fine. But I'm glad you liked it!
Hello and Dubai: Thank you very much! Don't worry, I do have different ideas on how to go about the Amy&Sammy and Skave plotlines, without them ending up as a complete mess.
Gary Vasquez: True, but what kind of challenges would they suggest for the semifinals?
MDReborn: I'm sure you'll enjoy it! Yes, this cast has a lot of potential that I hope to bring out, but Leonard doesn't have any of it. The majority of the fanbase agrees that Leonard should have gone home first, and I do not strongly disagree. And we'll certainly see who goes home here!
Hugh Jidiot: Yeah, I got a few ideas...
Gucci Mane LaFlare: I hope I do it better, too!
Crosshot: Glad to be back! Yup, I may have an idea or two on what to do with Beardo...
Omega Leonidas: Glad you liked it!
lordgemini: Thank you! Though I don't understand what you're saying about the votes. I mean, they were listed at the end of the chapter.
Rockin' D-99: Yeah, Leonard's a pretty dumb character, but I can't hate him because he was eliminated before causing too much grief for everyone. I think they chose to keep Leonard over Beardo because they thought he had the potential to be funnier but realized a little too late that they were wrong. You know, I've seen a lot of people complain about how gimmicky and weird the characters were this season, and yet I've also seen people criticize Dave for feeling the same way and struggling to put up with it. I mean, hypocritical much? I can totally understand why he's your second least favorite, and I can't help but wonder who your least favorite is (though I have a feeling it's either Amy or Sugar). Also, I noticed that Ella and Sammy have switched places on your top 10 TDPI characters list. How'd that come about?
"Last time on Total Drama Pahkitew Island!" Chris narrated. "It's an all-new season with an all-new island and all-new victims! I mean, competitors! Teehee! Two incredible teams were created! And by incredible, I mean incredibly weird! The first challenge was to build themselves a home! And Team Kinosewak's tree fort was the hands-down winner when compared to Team Maskwak's useless and unbalanced wizard's tower! And for suggesting the idea of such a stupid shelter, in addition to delusions of being a wizard, Leonard was the first one to be fired away in our Cannon of Shame debut! So, what firsts can we expect from the second challenge? Find out soon, on Total… Drama… Pahkitew Island!"
After the theme song, we cut to the Soaring Eagles treehouse at sunrise. Jasmine had elected not to actually sleep in the dwelling. She preferred a large branch over the fort with a rope tying her leg to the tree for safety.
As she woke, she yawned, untied the rope, and hopped down onto the deck of the fort with a loud thud.
Thud!
"Ugh! What are you doing?" Amy demanded, poking her head out the window.
"I was sleeping up top!" Jasmine explained quietly.
"In the tree? What are you, a raccoon?"
"I'm really limber! And just a little uncomfortable in tight spaces."
"Oh, imagine that!" Amy mumbled.
"Right…"
Jasmine squeezed into the fort. Inside, there were eight beds, four on each side. Everyone was fast asleep except for Amy. Jasmine slipped on her vest, her boots, and her hat.
"Well, I'm 'onna forage for breakfast."
"Forage? Is that dangerous? You want some help?" Amy smiled helpfully.
"Sure! Four hands are better than two!" said Jasmine graciously. Amy got out of her top bunk and yanked Sammy out of the bottom.
"Samey! Wake up!" she snapped.
"Huh?" Sammy moaned groggily. She didn't even have time to open her eyes before she realized she was on her feet.
"Go with Jasmine and get me some food!" She hissed. "And don't be all lazy, like you were when we were born!" She added harshly.
Sammy got dressed with a miserable frown, something that had not gone unnoticed by Jasmine. When Jasmine and Sammy left, Scarlett spoke to Amy.
"You remember your birth?"
"Oh, yeah! And after I got out, Mommy and I had to wait seventeen minutes for Samey to come out! Ugh! Can you imagine?! If I could have walked, I woulda left without her!"
"Hm. Fascinating." Scarlett mumbled.
Meanwhile, with Waneyitam Maskwak…
The Ferocious Tigers slept aside the ruins of their failed wizard's tower in a circle. Sky, Dave, Ella, and Sugar were using Beardo's enormous afro as a pillow. The team all slept peacefully until…
BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
Beardo had subconsciously started imitating an alarm clock. Everyone was startled awake, including the human soundboard himself. He didn't stop ringing until Dave bonked him on the head, as though hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock.
"Well, that's one way to wake up!" Sky commented as they all stood up.
"Beardo, you are quite talented!" Ella complimented. Beardo smiled modestly.
"Oh, hush up, Miss Singy-Pants!" Sugar snapped. "Like you would know anything about talent..."
"What? Is something wrong, Sugar?" Ella asked, feeling attacked.
"It shoulda been you in that cannon! Not the wizard!"
"Me?! But I helped! I did what Leonard said!"
"All you did was sing and dance! Chris said so! As for you!" Sugar pointed to Dave. "You didn't believe in the wizard, and that's why he failed!"
"Look. Sugar." said Dave patiently. "The elimination ceremony's over. So how about instead of pointing fingers, we-"
"Don't you play the blame game with me, mister!" Sugar scolded.
"What Dave means," said Sky, jumping in. "-is that we should focus on finding a new shelter."
"Yeah! We used Beardo's hair as a pillow last night!" said Dave.
"What's wrong with that? It was comfy enough!" said Sugar.
"Yeah, but he needs a shower! Uh, no offense…"
Beardo smiled and waved it off as if to say "None taken."
"Ella, are you doing okay?" Sky asked. After the elimination ceremony, Ella was rather shaken, no doubt due to being in the bottom two. And Sugar certainly wasn't making things easier for her.
"Oh! Yes! I'm fine, really! I'll just sing a little carol, and I'll be back to normal!" Ella then started singing.
Confessional: Ella
"Being in the bottom was really scary! If I want to make it far in the game, I'm going to have to be more serious and determined. But I can do that!"
Confessional: Dave
"Am I on the wrong show? Or is this all some crazy dream I'm having?"
Confessional: Sky
"Losing the first challenge was bad for my team's morale, but if we don't win some challenges soon, I won't make it to the finale!"
End Confessional
After the Tigers got dressed, Sky called them together.
"Guys, I know we were unlucky in the last challenge, but I believe that with our… unique set of skills, we can still win these challenges!" Sky spoke, with a positive aura. "But we have to work together! As a team! Come on! Let's do this! Go Team Maskwak!"
"GO TEAM MASKWAK!" cried Ella and Sugar, with Beardo sounding an invisible party horn. Dave looked around, unsure.
"Okay. Go Team Maskwak!" Dave cheered awkwardly, a forced smile on his face.
Meanwhile…
Jasmine and Sammy were walking through the woods, gathering nuts and berries, which were surprisingly plentiful and diverse.
"You should stand up to your sister." Jasmine advised.
"I've tried. It always seems to backfire." Sammy moaned.
"You're the underdog here and underdogs have a lot of fire and honor in them. Tap it into it!"
"I dunno…" Sammy clasped her hands together anxiously.
"That's strange…" said Jasmine. She walked over to an exotic-looking plant. "What's a Chinese mulberry bush doing in Canada?"
"Hey, look! Apples!" Sammy cried. Jasmine saw Sammy reaching out to a cluster of what looked like Granny Smith apples.
"No! Those aren't apples! Don't touch them!" Jasmine cried, sounding panicked. She threw a walnut at Sammy's hand, making her withdraw from the forbidden fruit.
"Ow!" Sammy cried.
"I'm sorry!" Jasmine apologized, coming up to her. "But you don't wanna touch these things, let alone eat them!"
"Why not?"
"It's a manchineel fruit!" came Shawn's voice. Jasmine and Sammy looked up to see him standing in a tree. "The Spanish refer to it as the manzanilla de la muerte! AKA the little apple of death!"
"He's right!" said Jasmine. "Well, it probably wouldn't have killed you, but it would have made your mouth blister something awful."
"And your throat!" Shawn added, hopping to the ground. "Make it a little hard to breathe."
"Yeesh!"
"Congrats, princess!" said Shawn. "You just got your first lesson in Survival 101: Know your flora!"
"I'll be sure to study for next time."
"Whoa!" cried Jasmine, noticing the pouch tied to Shawn's belt. It was filled to the brim with more berries and nuts than the two girls had acquired combined. "Nice score!"
"Yeah!" Sammy agreed. "You're one heck of an outdoorsman!"
"Gotta know stuff if you wanna survive a zombie apocalypse!" Shawn explained, throwing a couple of air punches.
"Right, but what were you doing up in that tree?"
"That's where I'm sleeping!" Shawn answered. "No shuffler can get ya from up there." Sammy giggled.
"I hear that, mate!" said Jasmine, lightly punching Shawn's shoulder.
"Cool. Right, well I gotta get this to my team. Later!" Shawn left.
"He's kinda cute." said Sammy.
"Yeah. Not only that, but he's also hilarious. Zombies." The two girls giggled.
"GOOD MORNING, CAMPERS!" Chris greeted over the intercom. "ACTUALLY, THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT THIS MORNING IS THAT IT'S ABOUT TO GET BAD! FOR YOU! TEEHEE! THERE'S A PATH LEADING INTO THE FOREST! FOLLOW IT TO TODAY'S HURT-TACULAR CHALLENGE!"
Shawn met up with his team and distributed his score with the rest of the team.
"See! This is teamwork!" said Sky. "Way to go, Shawn!"
"I can't believe you found so much food so fast!" Dave commented.
"Yeah, neither can I!" said Shawn. "This was much easier than I expected!"
"Perhaps Chris didn't want us to starve, so he put us in the most bountiful section of the island." Ella suggested.
"Yeah, he'd probably be legally required to." said Dave.
Meanwhile, with the Soaring Eagles…
"Glad you got berries, Amy!" Topher thanked Amy. "All the antioxidants give my skin that healthy camera-worthy glow!"
Sammy sighed miserably.
"What are you up to, Max?" Scarlett asked casually, noticing the smirk on Max's face.
"Oh, I have created something so diabolical, so evil, so-!"
"CLAM UP, CAMPERS! PICK UP THE PACE!" Chris barked.
"Yes, sir!" Max replied sweetly.
The teams walked in silence until they reached Chris, who stood by a large television.
"Welcome, victims!" he greeted. "To the Oofstacle Relay Race of Hilarious Hurt!"
"Great name! Total props, Chris!" Topher complimented.
"Thank you, Topher!" said Chris. "Now, each player takes on a different oofstacle. Starting with a greased log over a thorny bog!"
Chris turned on the TV to show the players their first obstacle. Two bridges made from logs had been placed over a ditch filled with brambles. The logs were coated in a thick layer of grease, making them slippery. The campers cringed, Dave doing so the hardest.
"That gets you to a greasy zip line over the ravine for the next player!" The television showed a rope descending over a ravine that was about fifty feet deep.
"Next, a quick and painful journey through the Greastacular Tubetacular!" The campers were shown a pipe maze, with a greased interior.
"Then there's the grease tires!" Seventy tires had been placed on a field of grease in a fourteen-by-five grid.
"And then a pass-off to the greasy wheelbarrow race!" Two wheelbarrows stood side-by-side at the edge of an even longer field of grease.
"And the last lucky player climbs a rope up the greased wall!" A thirty-foot wall stood slightly inclined with spots of grease splattered here and there. There were two ropes hanging from the top. "Or tries to and falls. Which'll be way funnier!" Chris laughed.
"That's a lot of grease!" cried Dave, looking extremely uncomfortable.
"Yeah, could you get any grosser?" Amy sneered.
"Now, I was going to have you pass a relay baton, but I decided that that was lame!" said Chris.
"What are you gonna make us use instead?" Topher asked eagerly. He rubbed his hands together in excitement. "Oh-ho! This is gonna be great!"
A high-pitched squeal was heard, and the campers' attention was redirected towards the starting line, where Chef was dragging two very uncooperative pigs. One pig was pink, the other was brown.
"Piggies!" Sugar cried excitedly.
"You'll be using greased wild boars!" Chris proclaimed. "Everyone say hello to Pinky and Boris! Not so much batons, as they are bacons!" Topher gave another laugh.
"Good one, Chris!"
"Thank you, Topher! Anyway! First team across the finish line with their boar wins!"
"But there are only six obstacles and we're a team of seven?" Scarlett stated inquiringly.
"Two of you will have to double up on one section of the race." Chris explained. "Now, decide who's on each oofstacle, because the race is about to start!"
The two teams huddled up to discuss their game plans.
"I could assist Max." Scarlett suggested.
"A supervillain does not require help!" Max scoffed.
"Jasmine and I could team up!" said Rodney excitedly. "We're like two peas in a pod!"
"Uh…" said Jasmine awkwardly. "That won't be necessary, mate!"
"But with true love, there's nothing we can't oof!" Amy punched Rodney in the gut.
"Stop talking! You're embarrassing us all!" Amy scolded. "Samey and me will partner up! End of story!"
Much to Amy's surprise, Rodney began blushing and cast a lovestruck look at her.
Confessional: Rodney
"I've never felt this way about anyone before! What Amy and I have is really special! Breaking up with Jasmine is gonna be hard, but it's the right thing to do!"
End Confessional
"After all, Samey needs the most help, given how she sucks at everything!" Amy explained. Sammy cringed.
"Amy and Samey will go first, Topher second, Scarlett third, Max on the tires, Rodney on the wheelbarrow, and I'll take the wall!" Jasmine instructed.
At the same time, the Tigers were discussing their game plan. Due to being down a member, they saved time by not arguing over who had to double up. Instead, they could focus on which obstacle each member was best suited for.
"Okay, it's obvious that the first obstacle is the most dangerous and that the last one is the most difficult." said Sky. "The pipe maze also seems to be a bit tricky, but the rest seem simple enough."
"I'll take the first section, then!" said Shawn. "Sugar should take the last one. After all, she said she played with pigs all the time back on her farm!"
"You know who could easily do the last section?" Sugar asked.
"Who?" Sky asked.
"The wizard!" Sugar barked bitterly. Sky rolled her eyes and Dave face-palmed.
"Would you get over it, already?" said Dave, keeping his voice steady despite his depleting patience. Sugar cast him a dirty look. "Sky is practically an Olympic gymnast! She should take the last section!"
"I think Beardo should do the last section!" said Ella. "He's really strong! He managed to run while holding me, Dave, and a big bag of cement!"
"True…" Dave admitted. "Okay, Beardo or Sky!"
"Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!" Beardo imitated the sound of a chimpanzee hooting. He scratched his thigh and his head.
"Looks like we have a volunteer!" said Sky. Beardo nodded his head vigorously.
"Okay, teams! Take your places!" Chris announced.
"Shawn starts, Beardo finishes, and I'll do the pipes! Everyone else, just pick a section!" Sky instructed.
"Go! Go!" cried Jasmine. "Hop to it like kangaroos!"
The campers all scurried to their assigned positions. Shawn and Sammy stood at the starting line with their team's pig. The Eagles had received Pinky the pink pig and the Tigers got Boris the brown boar. Amy stood behind Sammy, who was holding the leash to their pig.
"Alright! Looks like it's Shawn versus Amy and Samey on the greased log. Then we have Ella versus Topher on the zip line, followed by Sky and Scarlett in the tubes, Sugar and Max on the tires, Rodney versus Dave on the wheelbarrows, and ending with Beardo versus Jasmine at the wall! Everybody ready?" Chris announced.
Boris looked agitated while Pinky merely looked grumpy.
HONK!
"GO!"
Startled by the sound of the air horn, Boris yanked his leash out of Shawn's hands and ran off.
"Hey! Get back here, you pig!" Shawn yelled, chasing after the pig. Meanwhile, Pinky just sat down and refused to move.
"Come on, Pinky! Let's go!" Sammy urged. The pig completely ignored her.
"Just drag the little mongrel!" Amy barked. Sammy nodded and began dragging Pinky by his collar. When they approached the log bridges Sammy, hesitated.
"You think you can help me out here, sis?" Sammy asked.
"No way!" Amy scoffed. "I'm the beauty and the brains! You're the doer of stuff that sucks!"
Sammy growled.
Confessional: Sammy
"Urgh! That was so frustrating! It took everything I had to refrain from snapping at her!"
End Confessional
Shawn had arrived at the logs with Boris on his back. Like Sammy, he also hesitated.
"Okay… Okay… You can do this, Shawn!" he told himself. "Just pretend those thorns are a ravenous zombie hoard!"
Shawn closed his eyes and imagined that the ditch in front of him was filled not with brambles, but undead corpses grabbing at him. A rush of adrenaline flowed through him. With a burst of intensity, Shawn shoved Boris up the log. He then jumped onto the pig, using him as a skateboard and riding him across the entire obstacle.
"Come on, Shawn!" Ella cheered. Shawn slid off the log and poised proudly. "Hooray!"
"And that's how you survive the apocalypse!" Shawn boasted proudly.
"I'll take it from here!" Ella offered, holding her hands out.
"Good luck! This little guy's pretty stubborn! Ow!" Boris bit Shawn's butt. "Knock it off!"
"That's okay! I have a way with animals!" said Ella. She cleared her throat and began to sing.
"Hey there, Boris! My name is Ella! If you came over here, that would be really swellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
Boris squealed in delight and ran over to Ella, who gave him an affectionate hug.
"Uh, okay! Whatever works!" said Shawn, stunned.
Meanwhile, Scarlett was leaving a trail of pecans through the pipe maze. When she emerged from the exit, she found Max holding an odd-looking helmet.
"Behold, my triumph!" he boasted. "Isn't it so diabolically terrible-rific?"
"Um, what is it?" Scarlett asked, confused.
"It's a helmet of evil!" Max rolled his eyes, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "This contraption will turn any animal into an evil minion! Allow me to demonstrate!" Max saw a rabbit minding its own business along the side of the obstacle course. Max walked up to it. "Come hither, little bunny! It's time to evil!" Max placed the helmet onto the rabbit. The small mammal looked puzzled and as docile as ever.
"I don't think it's working." Scarlett commented.
"Fudge monkeys!" Max swore.
"What did you use to build it?" Scarlett asked, coming up to the villain.
"Parts from Chris's security cameras and my underwear elastic."
"Well, that's resourceful. Mind if I take a look at it?" Scarlett took the helmet off the rabbit, who barely reacted. She plugged in a couple of loose wires, adjusted a few circuits, and turned the battery on. "Try it now!"
Max put the helmet back on the rabbit. This time, the critter snarled and snapped.
"It works!" Max exclaimed. "I'm a genius!"
"Right… Well, I should probably get back to my station."
Meanwhile, Sammy had begun to push Pinky up the log but was distracted when the pig farted in her face.
"Ugh! Do I have to do everything here?!" Amy reluctantly got behind Pinky and the two sisters pushed with all their might. Pinky slid up and across the log, but the twins had fallen into the ditch and screamed in pain. Chris and Chef laughed hysterically from the starting line, watching the challenge take place on TV while reclining in luxury.
"And that's why they call it the Oofstacle Course! Right, Chris?" Topher jabbed.
"Nice one, Topher!" Chris complimented, still in stitches.
Shawn ran over and pulled the two of them out. They were covered in scratches all along their skin and clothes.
"Thank you…" Sammy wheezed.
"This is your fault, Samey…" Amy muttered.
"Y'know, I kinda feel a little bad for Amy." said Chris. "But Samey's pain is absolutely hilarious!"
"Yeah, same!" Chef agreed.
"What's that noise?" Chris zoned in on Ella who was singing and skipping as she made her way to the zip line. Chris grunted in annoyance and rolled his eyes. "Does she have to do that?"
"La-la-la-la! Ah-ah-ah!" Ella sang as she skipped toward the zip line, helmet on her head and T-bar in her hands. Boris followed merrily. She threw the T-bar onto the greased rope. Boris climbed onto her back and the two rode across the ravine without trouble. "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Atta girl, Ella!" Sky cheered. Ella landed.
"Here you are! With my best wishes!" Ella handed Boris over to Sky, but the brown boar seemed reluctant to leave Ella. He hugged Ella's legs and looked pleadingly into her eyes. "Go on, Boris! Sky will take care of you!"
Sky grabbed Boris's leash and led the boar over to the pipe maze. Sky chose what looked like the easiest route through the maze.
"And the gorgeous Topher is starting his leg of the challenge!" Topher narrated quietly. He strapped his T-bar to the zip line and rode down the ravine with Pinky tied to his side. "Chris, I am loving this challenge! You must have been up all night planning this! Because you kinda look like you were!"
Chris, basking in Topher's praise, was caught off guard by the last comment.
"Do I look tired?" he asked Chef. The big man shrugged.
"And the awesome Topher completes his part of the challenge!" Topher narrated. He then got up close to the nearest camera. "Which pork will place first? Find out after the break on Total… Drama…"
"AHEM!" Chris cleared his throat from behind Topher. The fanboy gasped in embarrassment.
"I am so sorry!" he apologized. "I don't know what got into me!"
"Team Makwak is in the lead and things are getting tube-tacular! Do the Kinosewak have the pork chops to come back? Find out right here, after the break! On Total… Drama… Pahkitew Island!"
"You are so good!" Topher gushed.
"Yes, I am." said Chris, sounding bored.
After the commercial break, Sky is seen exiting the pipe maze and dragging a stubborn Boris out of it. She was covered with grease, but she otherwise looked triumphant.
"Go for it, Sugar!" she cried, sliding Boris over to Sugar.
"Come to Mama!" Sugar scooped up Boris into her arms and held him upside-down. As Boris struggled, Sugar began to baby-talk to the pig. "What a sweet widdle piggie! Who's a gweasy piggie?"
"Sugar what are you doing?" Sky asked. "Get going!"
"Keep your diaper on!" Sugar barked impatiently.
"My- what?" Sky asked incredulously.
"What? Is it different in your family?" Sky gave her an odd look before the pageant queen turned her attention back to Boris. "Mama loves you! Yes, she does, baby Boris!" Sugar turned him right-side-up and kissed him. The stunned boar stopped fidgeting.
Confessional: Sugar
"Granny always says 'You gotta love the fight out of a pig before you take it out on the town!'"
End Confessional
"That's better!" said Sugar. And she proceeded to cross the grease tires with Boris in her arms.
Meanwhile, Pinky had just emerged from the pipe maze after following Scarlett's trail of pecans. The brainiac didn't even need to enter the maze again. She just walked around the entire structure.
"Ooh! Looks like Scarlett's inner animal trainer has come out!" Chris commented.
Confessional: Scarlett
"Pigs love pecans! Maybe they know pecans delay the progression of age-related motor-neuron degeneration!"
End Confessional
"And with only two oofstacles left, the Kinosewak are catching up to the Maskwak!" Chris announced.
"Time to evil!" Max declared, placing his helmet of evil onto Pinky. The pig snarled. "Come! Follow, minion! We have a challenge to win!"
Max casually stepped out onto the grease tires with Pinky by his side like a loyal attack dog. Max took two steps before he stumbled and fell into the grease. Meanwhile, Sugar had just completed the grease tires.
"Good work, Sugar!" Dave complimented enthusiastically. "Nice hustle! Now gimme him!"
"No! I'm keeping him!" said Sugar, holding Boris away from Dave. "He's mine! Forever!"
"But, Sugar, we need to win the challenge!" said Dave.
"Go get your own pig, wizard-hater!"
"Sugar, if we don't win, we don't eat!"
"Nothin' doin'!"
"Come on! It'll only be for a few minutes, and then you can have him for the rest of the season for all I care!"
As Sugar and Dave argued, Max and Pinky finally crossed the greased tires but not without Max falling face-first into every tire he stepped on.
"Your turn, giant one!" Max grumbled. Rodney picked Pinky up and placed him in the wheelbarrow.
"For Amy!" he declared softly. He raced out onto the field, wheelbarrow in front of him.
"And the Kinosewak have taken the lead!" Chris announced.
"Sugar! They're getting the lead!" Dave cried frantically. "GIMME THE (BLEEP) PIG!"
"NO!"
Beardo was watching the exchange nervously. He could see that Sugar was being remarkably stubborn, more so than either Boris or Pinky.
"Oink! Oink! Oink!" Beardo called, imitating a pig's mating call. "Oink! Oink! Oink!"
Boris squealed in excitement. His eyes turned into hearts. He kicked Sugar in the face, forcing her to let him go. He eagerly hopped into the wheelbarrow.
"Finally!" Dave cried. He grabbed the wheelbarrow and was about to run out onto the field, but cringed at the sheer amount of grease before him. "Oh my gosh, that's disgusting! But- but-"
"I forgot to mention! Today's grease is brought to you from the grease traps of Chef's restaurant!" Chris announced. Dave nearly vomited. Nevertheless, he let out a wary groan, grabbed the wheelbarrow, and sprinted onto the field.
"I love you, Boris!" Sugar cried.
"You're doing great!" Rodney told Pinky. "Good boy!"
Pinky, offended at being called "good" thanks to the helmet, scooped up a hoof-full of grease and splattered it in Rodney's face.
"Argh!" Rodney cried. He then slipped on the grease and did an involuntary split. The wheelbarrow tipped over and Pinky fell out. Furious, the pink pig began tossing grease at Dave and Boris.
"My arm!" Dave cried as one glob impacted Dave's shoulder. "It's on my arm!"
"It worked!" Max cried. "That's what you get when you're up against evil incarnate!" Max let out an evil laugh, but in spite of Pinky's barrage, Dave powered through it. He passed Rodney, who was struggling to pick himself up.
"And the Maskwak have retaken the lead!" Chris announced. Dave finally completed the course. Boris hopped out of the wheelbarrow and tackled Beardo, proceeding to kiss the human soundboard.
"Argh!" Dave cried, now covered head to foot in grease. "SANITIZER! I NEED HAND SANITIZER! AND SANDPAPER FOR SCRUBBING!"
"Hey! Hey! Deep breaths! You're okay!" said Sky, seizing Dave's shoulders and directing his attention to her. Dave obeyed and took a few deep breaths, calming down. And then he smiled.
"There, see?" Sky asked.
"Thanks." said Dave
"Oh, Dave!" cried Ella. "I have some wet wipes!"
Confessional: Dave
"Okay, maybe this team isn't all bad. Shawn got us food, Ella's really nice, and Sky has a surprisingly calming effect on me. Sugar and Beardo, on the other hand, I still have a few issues with."
End Confessional
Meanwhile, Pinky had run off. Rodney was chasing after him, but apparently, the pig was smarter than the farm boy and managed to trip him up several times before he was caught. Frustrated, Rodney took Max's helmet off, and the pig became slightly less difficult. Rodney threw the helmet over his shoulder, but it was miraculously saved with a diving catch from Max.
"Careful, you oaf!" the villain scolded. "You'll ruin my device!"
At this time, the Tigers had gathered at the wall for the final obstacle. Beardo had hoisted Boris onto his back and gripped the rope. He took slow, careful steps up the wall, but even then, his foot slipped on a particularly greasy spot on the wall and he fell down.
"YIPE!" he cried. Chris and Chef laughed at him.
"Come on, Beardo! Don't give up!" Sky encouraged.
"Yeah, just pretend you're being chased by a horde of ravenous zombies!"
Beardo stood up and tried again. This time, he got about two thirds of the way, before he lost his footing. He struggled to regain it but failed. His grip slipped and he fell twenty feet to the ground on his bum. Boris fell off his back and squealed indignantly.
"Oh, not again." Dave muttered, frustrated.
"Some chiminy-panzee you are!" Sugar jeered.
"Guys! Be supportive!" Sky scolded. "Come on, Beardo! You can do it! Third time's the charm!"
Beardo took a deep breath, threw Boris back onto his back, and began his third attempt.
Meanwhile, Rodney had finally managed to deliver Pinky to Jasmine. While no longer evil, the pig seemed to have gotten a headache and was even less trusting of humans than ever.
"Alright! C'mere ya little ratbag!" Jasmine beckoned. Pinky backed up and squealed nervously. "Whoa! Calm down, little guy! Take it easy! Nice and easy! Eeeeeeeeeeeeasy!"
Jasmine leaned over the pig and gave him a strong look. Pinky stopped shivering for a moment and looked at Jasmine. He flipped over and smiled at Jasmine, who chuckled and rubbed his belly.
"Come on, Beardo!" Sky called. "Nice and steady!"
"You're almost there, dude!" Shawn called.
"You can do it!" Ella cried.
Beardo was being extra careful. He had memorized the two bad spots on the wall and was slowly ascending, keeping an eye out for more bad spots. He had already surpassed his second attempt and was now three quarters of the way up. He took another step and almost slipped, but managed to hold on by biting the rope. Just when he had almost reached the top and thought he was home-free, Jasmine started climbing. It took her no more than four seconds to climb the wall and hop over it. The Tigers gasped.
"This just in!" Chris announced, as Jasmine fell to the ground and held Pinky over her head. "Beatboxer beat by amazon! The Pimâpotew Kinosewak win!"
The Soaring Eagles all cheered, save for Jasmine, who just smiled proudly.
The Ferocious Tigers groaned. Beardo had let go of the rope in shock and disappointment and fell to the ground a third time.
"(Whomp-whomp-whomp-whoooooomp!)" he lamented sadly, sitting against the wall and covered in grease. His disappointed teammates looked at him with either pity or contempt.
"Come on, guys." said Shawn. "I found us a shelter this morning."
"And tonight's winner's meal will be provided by Jimmy's Beaks and Feet!" Chris announced. "Our chickens walked the walk, talked the talk, and then we put them in the fryer!"
Chris handed the menu and notepad to Scarlett. Jimmy's Beaks and Feet had similar products to Kentucky Fried Chicken, except that it was clear that the chicken legs still had their feet attached, and there were chicken heads on the menu as well.
While Scarlett scribbled her order down, Sammy went up to Jasmine.
"Jasmine! That pig thing was so cool!" she gushed. "Where'd you learn to do that?"
"Just a little trick I learned back home while wrangling emus. No biggie." said Jasmine modestly.
"No biggie?! You're like the pig whisperer!"
"Aw, stop! You'll make me blush!"
"Jasmine? We need to talk." said Rodney seriously.
"Uh, sure, mate." said Jasmine, slightly confused. "What about?"
"Listen, the time we had together was great, but I'm going to have to end it. My heart has been stolen by… by someone else!" Rodney began to tear up.
"Um, what are-?"
"Please don't make this harder than it has to be! I'm really sorry, but I'm breaking up with you!"
"Um… Okay… I'll do my best not to cry…"
"Bye!" Rodney ran off sobbing.
"Where you two dating?" Sammy asked, confused.
"Not that I know of…" Jasmine admitted.
Confessional: Rodney
"Breaking up with Jasmine was the hardest thing I've ever done! And I'm sure she's hurting right now."
Confessional: Jasmine
"What the bloody hell is going on in that farm boy's head?! We were never together! Oh well, at least he's not in love with me anymore. Though I do feel sorry for whoever it is he's moved on to. Y'know… I hope the others aren't finding me too bossy. But I had to take charge or it'd be one of us going home."
End Confessional
"This is perfect, Shawn!" Sky complimented. Shawn had led his team to the cave that Max come across in the first challenge. Inside, it was roomy and warm.
"Eh, it needs sparkles." said Sugar.
"Yeah, if it rains, we're all going to be too sick to win the next challenge." Shawn explained.
"Does that mean you're going to come in here and sleep with us?" Dave asked.
"Nuh-uh!" Shawn answered. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not risking becoming an undead snack."
"Don't you think you're being a little paranoid?" Dave held his arm up to prevent Shawn from leaving.
"WANEYIHTAM MASKWAK!" Chris announced over the loudspeaker. "PLEASE PROCEED TO THE ELIMINATION CAMPFIRE AREA! CANNON NEEDS NUM-NUMS! TEEHEE!"
The team looked at each other nervously and sadly.
Elimination Ceremony: Waneyihtam Maskwak
The Ferocious Tigers arrived at the elimination area in time to see the Soaring Eagles unwrapping their fast food meals in the peanut gallery. The Tigers paused and watched the Eagles eat with envy. Beardo smacked his chops together. Sugar drooled.
The Tigers cast their votes and sat down. Boris had joined them.
"Hey, why so glum?" Chris asked. "You all tried your best, and it was horrible! Now, let's see who you all blame for your collective failure!"
Confessional: Dave
"Sugar, duh."
Confessional: Sky
"Beardo clearly wasn't the right choice for the wall."
End Confessional
"Shawn, Ella, Dave, and Sky! You're safe from elimination!" Chris announced, tossing marshmallows to the first four campers. "Which leaves Sugar and Beardo, the two contestants with the stupidest names ever!"
"What?!" Sugar gasped.
"Sugar, you powered through your obstacle easily but you refused to hand off the pig, costing your team precious time! And Beardo, you failed to complete the last and most important section of the race."
Beardo let out a nervous horse whinny. Chris cringed.
"And the ugly annoying fat-ass going home tonight is…"
Sugar clenched her fists nervously. Beardo's eyes darted back-and-forth with similar levels of worry.
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"Sugar!" Chris tossed the final marshmallow to a very relieved Beardo.
"WHAT?!" Sugar screeched.
"Yeah, pack your bags, Miss Piggy! You're going flying!"
"Why'd y'all vote for me?! Beardy's the one that lost the race!"
"Yeah, well, he wouldn't have if you had just given me the pig right away!" said Dave angrily.
"Not to mention he actually got the pig out of your hands, which made up for lost time!" Sky added.
"And besides, you really seemed to miss Leonard." Ella added.
"WHY YOU!" Sugar lunged at Ella but was restrained by Dave and Shawn long enough for Chef to grab her and sling her over his shoulder.
"No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sugar wailed. She was blubbering by the time Chef inserted her into the Cannon of Shame, an Evel Knievel helmet on her head.
"Goodbye, Sugar!" Ella called sweetly, smiling and waving.
KABOOM!
"I'M COMING, WIZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!" Sugar yelled as she soared away.
"Teehee! Who says pigs don't fly?" Chris joked. He then turned to the camera. "So far, we've lost Harry Potter and we've lost Miss Piggy! My two least favorite characters in fiction! Who's next in the boom-boom machine? Only time will tell! Here on Total… Drama… Pahkitew Island!"
Epilogue
"Ugh. Good riddance." Dave grunted.
"I know, right?" said Sky. "I thought with Leonard gone we'd be able to get our act together and kick some butt!"
"Maybe we should have had Ella go after Sugar." said Shawn. "She's great with animals."
"Maybe..." said Dave. "Whoa!"
Dave, Shawn, Sky, and Ella were all grabbed from behind into a big bear hug by Beardo. They heard him wheezing and turned their heads to see him smiling, but with tears coming down his eyes.
"Uh, what's the matter, dude?" Shawn asked.
"I think he's just grateful we didn't vote him off!" said Ella.
"You're welcome, Beardo!" said Dave. "Now can you please let go? Your armpits smell like burning tires!"
Beardo let go and smiled sheepishly.
Votes
Beardo: Sugar
Dave: Sugar
Ella: Sugar
Shawn: Sugar
Sky: Sugar
Sugar: Beardo
Results
Sugar: 5 votes (Eliminated)
Beardo: 1 vote
Rankings
13. Sugar
14. Leonard
Author's note: I bet you're all a bit surprised to see Sugar leaving this early. That is, unless you know my opinions on her. I wouldn't go so far as to call her the cancer of TDPI, because that would be an insult to cancer. XD! But jokes asides, I still wouldn't call her cancer, because cancer implies that she ruined the show slowly and steadily. No, I'd call her the heart attack of TDPI, because it only took one action for her to ruin the season, and that was getting Ella disqualified. And she gets away with it! That action made me resent the necessity for each Total Drama season to feature an antagonist. Rest assured, this rewrite will certainly have a villain! It just won't be Sugar.