I tried to not think about him, but that was hard since I at some point just had to admit to myself that I was actually smitten. Just like the make up artist had pointed out it wasn't logical. I had used to love crushes. Because they made you feel so light, something even a relationship couldn't give you. Sure, it had to fade at some point and gave way to other, stronger feelings... or just left. But even if it went nowhere I had always enjoyed it. And I had the tendency to crush easily, never taking it too seriously because it didn't mean you necessarily had to act on it. But now... it just made me feel a little weird. Questions came to me at night I tried to push away. You don't know him, is his fame a factor? But me and him texting at the end of the day made me look forward to the evening. Also, I was around famous people all the time, it was my job and still, that had never meant I was giving out my phone number for anything more than networking.

When two tickets with backstage access arrived at my studios address one of the managers gave me a knowing look, but I tried to pretend as if half of New York had gotten these tickets. I was actually glad about it, something told me that maybe me attending with a normal ticket would be all over the internet afterwards. When I looked at the tickets on my Uber ride home, I noticed that there was a post-it on the second one. "Just so Lauren doesn't get too jealous ;)" I couldn't help but smile, just the fact that he had remembered my friend, even her name, made my heart warm a little and so three days later we were on our way to Queens to see the gig.

Even though I usually went to about ten concerts a month, often for work but also in my spare time, this was massive. Long before we arrived it was just clearly visible who was here for BTS and the feeling in my gut reminded me of how exciting live music had been to me once. It still was so very good, but that almost nauseous feeling of almost feeling sick of excitement, when your heart was racing and your hands were cold for some reason... I hadn't had that since I was a teenager. "I feel like we are about to enter the Hunger Games." Lauren said with a bit of terror in her eyes when we walked towards Citi Field stadium. "You know that means best case only one of us survives?" We both laughed, I put my arm around Laurens's shoulder and we got through security.

The show was amazing. Seeing it from the sidelines was already a great experience, for a second I wished I could be in the crowd. When at some point we were joining in on the fan chant, some people gave us weird side-eye... mainly because most other people with these backstage tickets were local celebs who were here because of their daughters. But at least it gave the daughters a reason to join in as well. So Lauren, myself and four girls around 13 were having the time of our lives while the parents tried to get into it, but probably mainly wondered what the hell was happening around them.

Afterwards, we weren't sure what to do. Should we wait? Leave? I wanted to hang around but also wasn't sure what to make of the mixed information the staff was giving our little group. When Namjoons head suddenly appeared from behind a curtain and I only noticed it because the girl next to me screamed in surprise, I had to make two sidesteps to keep myself from falling, which made him smirk. "You sticking around?" He looked directly at me and I just nodded slowly. "Alright, we'll be out in a bit, just got to take a shower." We smiled at each other for a second, then he looked over to who had to be Lauren, raised his hand to wave at her and was gone again. The girl who had screamed kept her eyes on me while we waited. Then suddenly looked down when I couldn't help myself anymore and stared back. Finally, her attention left me when the boys entered our little area. Somehow even in more casual clothes and with wet hair they still looked like superstars. Namjoon was immediately pulled into a conversation with the mayor's wife, but I smiled at him when our eyes met and patiently waited. "Olivia Hi!" I turned around and there was Jungkook, having made his way to me and then looking a bit surprised that he seemed to be the only one. "Heeey" I said and we awkwardly hugged because we both seemed to be unsure how to greet each other. In basic English we talked about how I had loved the show and how he was happy we had come. We took some pictures and finally asked the little girl to join us, who was standing close to her dad and had a look of terror in her eyes. I could relate. JK up close was even more handsome, that smile made even me nervous, but he ended up squatting in front of her, saying something about how he loved her BTS shirt until she finally smiled. Tae joined in and soon they were surrounded by the girls. Lauren and I both looked at each other. Ovaries exploded. The scene was just too cute.

"I see the Jungkook effect is working in New York as well." I heard a voice next to me saying and turned around, realizing it was Namjoon, who had finally made his way over to us, with us completely ignoring it. "Heeey" I said happily, made a step towards him, then again unsure how to greet, before he just closed his long arms around my shoulders, pulling me into a hug. Relieved I hugged back, the smell of shower gel suddenly all around me. Then it was Laurens turn and they hugged like they were old friends. When Namjoon told her that it was good to finally meet her I just couldn't get a huge smile off my face and knew it would start hurting if I didn't stop soon. "Let me get you some drinks." With those words, he disappeared towards a bar. It wasn't necessary, we could have easily gotten our own drinks, had in fact already, but he seemed a bit nervous as well. The excitement around us could not only be felt, it was loud. Having an actual conversation with someone was only possible if you screamed at each other or got really close and after a while, we opted for the second option. One by one the other members came by and said hi, they all gave Namjoon looks before coming over. "Sorry about that..." Namjoon murmured after Jimin had walked up to us which such an obvious smile that it just couldn't be ignored. "They can be a pain, but they mean well." "So we go to restaurant on monday?" Jimin interrupted and Namjoon reacted by simply grabbing his shoulders and turning him around. Okay, at least I got my answer there... after thinking about it I hadn't been quite sure whether Namjoon had meant hanging out with everyone or not. What if I brought Lauren and then the other BTS members weren't there. Or the other way around... I would survive, but knowing was better. "Again...sorry. But... are you free monday?" I nodded smiling. When I looked up there was a moment when both of us didn't say a word, just grinning at each other, before we looked down automatically. Damn. There was another big hug when they had to leave. I had never seen a band under so much pressure. Their next concert was tomorrow and in the same venue, surely they could have one night off? But apparently not. "I think I have a problem..." I finally blurted out when we were in an Uber on our way home. "Well. I wouldn't call it a problem per se, but I know what you mean. He looks at you as if... I don't actually know. But it is intense." "He is just polite..." "Sure, tell yourself that. I really don't know why you don't want to see it." I thought about it for a second, Jesus, he wasn't the first guy who liked me. "I don't know either..." I finally said. I really didn't.

I actually had followed word, looking up Portuguese restaurants in Brooklyn. We met at a subway station one block down and even though we were both a bit late we eventually found each other. Namjoon was wearing a hat and sunglasses, even though it was summer and night time. But I got it. He took the glasses off when he saw me and I couldn't help but fall into his arms. This was so much better than texting, it felt like we knew each other better than we actually did. "You're freeee..." I said laughing while hugging him and he nodded grinning, copying my tone of voice "One whole night of freedom, oh my gooooddd!" "Ever fallen asleep while standing?" "I have. It's scary." We walked down the relatively empty street, both talking at a speed that made it just too obvious how excited we were to see the other. The fact that we both kept smiling as if we were mad didn't help either, but I figured as long as we were on the same page it was all fine. After having turned a corner Namjoon stopped all of the sudden. I looked at him surprised, was about to look where he was looking when he grabbed my arm and pushed me into a house entrance. I almost screamed, was about to complain loudly, when I realized he looked a bit panicked. "What the..." "Sorry...sorrysorry! I think I saw..." It was dark and I had bumped the back of my head into a wall, which made me dizzy for a second. Namjoon had his hand on my arm still to keep me from running away, looked down in terror when he realized that he had hurt me. "Shit, Ollie, I am so sorry. I think... I think I saw Army in front of the restaurant." I had closed my eyes for a second, scratching my head, while trying to make sense of his words. "Oh..." I tried to move his arm to let me through. "Carefullll..." he hissed when I popped my head out of the entrance. Yeah. He was right. It wasn't like they were standing there with Army bombs or anything. But there were about ten young girls hanging out in front of a restaurant, some of them on the other side of the street. Looking around, on their phones, bit too dolled up to be just waiting because the restaurant was full. "Okay, yeah, I think you are right." I murmured and moved back, leaning my head back against the wall. This time a bit more careful. All of a sudden a laugh escaped my lips. Namjoon looked down in surprise, then smirked. "Pfff, I am happy this amuses you so much." It felt as if he had come closer, I wasn't sure. "You realize what you did? You basically told them where to look for you. This is the best rated Portuguese restaurant in New York..." I explained, patting his shoulder slightly as to say "Well done you" "Oh..." He was grinning now as well, biting his lower lip when he realized the mistake. Then he looked down again when he thought of something. "So you did see that interview" I nodded, laughing again. "So...hm, what are we going to do now? Because I am pretty sure if they see us like this we're fucked." Namjoon was thinking, then sighed. "Well I guess no Portuguese, that is for sure." I nodded, but I couldn't think straight because he was close and he kept laughing. "Man, I didn't think it was that difficult. Now I am thinking really any restaurant would be a risk." He stopped laughing, looking as if I had just told him to go home. "Ehm... I mean we could order in?" "At our hotel?" "Don't you think that is the one other place where they will definitely be waiting?" He nodded. "My place?" Another nod, then a smile. "I didn't want to invite myself but I guess... there aren't many other options." He was right. We were in New York and had no places to go, this was mad. "Okaaayy... Then I'll just order an Uber and we sprint in as soon as it is here."

So that is what we did. We actually ran to the cab, my heart pounding. 15 minutes later we were at my place, me praying that I hadn't left our apartment in too bad of a state. But it was fine. There were some socks on the couch and some cereal bowls in the sink, but that was about it. Sighing loudly I threw my jacket on a chair and looked at Namjoon. "Your life is exhausting." He stood there, his hands deep in his pants pocket. "Yeah, sorry again..." I shook my head. "All good, just... relax, will you?" He took a deep breath, taking off his jacket and shoes and walked around the living room. "So you live here with Lauren?" "Yeah, we moved to New York together after graduating and didn't have the money to afford our own places and somehow we never managed to let each other go..." "Well, at least you only have one roommate." I had totally forgotten who he lived with... of course. He knew a bit about not having his own place.

"I think we deserve something to drink after that. Do you know what you feel like eating?" I was rummaging through a kitchen shelf on the lookout for two matching wine glasses. "Maybe... not Portuguese, just to be sure?" We sat down, the first glass of wine emptied a bit too quickly and then trying to order something without being overwhelmed by the many options. It took us a while to relax properly, but by the time we had finished eating and with two glasses of wine in me, I had calmed down and was enjoying myself. I was used to the way he talked, but what he did talk about was so different. Just everyday normal chit chat. Favourite movie as a kid. A hate for coloured toothpaste. A for me very entertaining passion for 90s US Hip Hop. The fact that I didn't share it and had spent my youth listening to punk before making a turn at indie and alternative didn't seem to matter, we could still relate through our love for music.

When Lauren came home we were sitting on the carpet in front of the couch, leaning against it, wine glasses in hand, empty take out pushed aside to look at some of the coffee table books we had lying around. She made a full stop as soon as she had walked through the door. "Ohhh... what the hell are you doing here already?" She didn't seem sure whether she should actually come in or not. I waved her that she should. "We are hiding." "From each other? Or the paps? Because neither seems to be working out." We both looked at her a bit confused, she looked back matching our expressions. "Don't tell me you haven't seen what is going on outside? There are like four photographers waiting on the other side of the street." I groaned, got up and carefully looked outside. It took me a while to see them, it was dark already and we were on the fourth floor. But yes, there they were. Somebody must have seen us getting out of the cab after all. "Shit." I murmured, looking over my shoulder at Namjoon right behind me. "I am so sorry, I really thought we'd be better off here." He shook his head, slowly moving his hand over my upper arm to calm me down. He was still looking at them. "Don't apologize... probably was still the best option." I still felt bad though. "How the hell are we gonna get him out of here? There is no way they won't see him using the front door." "What about the back door? Doesn't Stan have a key?" Stan was a guy who had lived in our building for about 20 years, I didn't even want to know why exactly he had keys for about every door, but it turned out he wasn't home. "Maybe they will leave eventually." Lauren tried to console me while pouring herself a glass of wine from a second bottle. I nodded, Namjoon turning around to me and trying to make me laugh by putting his index fingers to the corners of my mouth and tickling me there. It worked, a little at least.

We tried to make the best of it. Lauren checked once per hour but just couldn't tell whether they were actually gone, while we played board games that had been catching dust in the back of our tv unit for years. We were all pretty bad at it. "We got two people with college degrees and a fucking genius here and still can't figure out the most profitable way to play Monopoly... that's pretty damn depressing." Lauren murmured and I could see Namjoon being a bit shy about being called a genius, I moved my foot over to lightly touch his so he would look up again. He did and smiled and I thought about how I much actually preferred this way of hanging out over a formal dinner. Lauren was a champion and just pretended this was all normal, I think in a weird way her presence actually helped with not feeling awkward. A bit after midnight BTSs management called and Namjoon explained something in Korean. I wasn't sure whether he actually told the truth but after he hung up he looked at me and then the couch "Do you think I can stay over? They told me to stay the night... if I leave now..." He stopped, but I understood what he meant. Would look bad if he left at night time. I wasn't sure though whether an early morning picture would be better, but at least Stan would have gotten back from his night shift by then. "Didn't Ben forget a whole bag of clothes here the last time he was around?" Lauren mentioned while putting the Monopoly pieces back into its box after we had given up. "Oh, right, good idea." I got up and checked in a cupboard, bringing back some sweatpants and a shirt. He would probably drown in it, but it was better than nothing. Namjoon thanked me and waited for Lauren to head to her room. "So... Ben is?" I couldn't help but grin. "Lauren's brother." "Ah, okay" He was smiling as well.

Just sitting there talking I only realized Lauren had gone to bed after 2 AM had passed. When I yawned so long that my mouth actually hurt a little afterwards he sighed and said "Maybe... we should go to bed. It's been a long day." I knew he was right, but I didn't want to. On the other hand, I could hardly keep my eyes open. Through my room we went to my bathroom, I found a spare toothbrush and realized that I liked the way we looked next to each other in the mirror. He saw me looking and moved to the side to nudge me, I grinned and leaned against him, pretending it was just because I was tired, but surely he knew I just felt like it. After we had tried to make the couch as comfortable as possible he slumped down on it immediately. I didn't want to just walk off, suddenly feeling like sharing something. So I sat down on the floor next to his head in the dark. I don't know why, but my voice only came out as a whisper. "This was fun. I wish we could hang out more often." Neither of us had mentioned the fact that this would be a one-off, at least for the foreseeable future. "Yeah, me too." he murmured and I only realized that he had reached out when he started playing with my hair. It was dark, the only light came through a gap in the curtains and every time a car drove by I could see him for a split second. We looked at each other for a while and when I felt like I was moments away from taking his hand, something in me just panicked. "Okay. Bed. Good night." I said laughing and he sighed, laughed as well. "Probably for the best. Sleep well!" I got up and went into my room. Basically collapsed on my bed. If I hadn't been as tired I would have probably overthought everything again. How this had been great but was also sad in a way. But no, I fell asleep so suddenly, that the next morning I couldn't even remember what time it had been.