The weather stayed bad for another day. We tried to light the fireplace but it ended up just producing a lot of smoke and we had to air out the living room for so long that we spent half a day in our winter coats even though we were inside. But once you could breathe again we just turned on all the heaters and by evening time I was so cosy that I fell asleep, head on Namjoons thigh, while he was reading. We settled into a routine over the next couple of days, getting up late, coffee and breakfast, a walk outside (after Hayoon - which I learned was the driver's name - had organized us some better shoes), reading, talking. While we cooked dinner there was usually loud music and me enthusiastically dancing around the stove while Namjoon just shook his head in amusement. We played some games, took a bath together and went to bed early without actually sleeping until the early morning hours. When it was dark and we lay next to each other the conversations for some reason often got more serious. Family stories, losses, embarrassing secrets, moments to be not proud of. I am sure we had liked each other before, but it was in that house in the woods that we actually got to know each other.
The last night of the trip felt surreal because suddenly time had spet up. I found Namjoon in the hammock on the dark deck and getting in there with him was about the most graceless thing I had ever done, but eventually, with a lot of laughter and help - I found a comfortable position next to him and looked up. The sky was finally clear that night and the stars - so far from civilization - were breathtaking.
And I was happy. I was happy... until I suddenly wasn't. Because I couldn't push the bad thoughts back into the back of my mind anymore, they had been creeping up for days of course. I tried to blink tears away after the burning feeling in the corner of my eyes had been announcing them for a few minutes. But eventually, I couldn't hold back anymore and I just buried my face in Joon's chest. I had hoped he wouldn't notice what was actually happening, but after a while, he did. "Ollie..." His voice was shaky, he was clearly overwhelmed and not sure what to do. Hesitantly he patted my upper arm, which almost made me laugh, but the other feelings were still stronger. "I am sorry, it's just..." I didn't even know what exactly I was going to say. Still, he answered with a quiet "I know." Then it was silent for a while. Around us, the forest was alive and sounded beautiful and those stupid stars above us were still breathtaking. "It's going to get so much harder from here on out." I finally said after having collected myself. I wanted to stop talking, I wanted to be able to enjoy those last couple of hours of the day. Tomorrow we had arranged for Hayoon to pick us up at 10 AM to drive us to the airport. By the time I would arrive in New York, Namjoon would already be on his way to Seoul. "Do you regret it?" I shook my head almost immediately. "No, of course not. I am just scared of what it will be like when I go home and... I will just really miss you." Gently he pulled on my arm until I was half on top of him so we could actually look at each other. His long fingers were caressing my cheek. "I don't want you to be sad." His voice was so husky, almost a whisper, it made me shake. We stared at each other for a while but there was nothing to be said really. Nothing to be done about it.
We had said this was a test run. It had gone well, really well. I didn't need him to tell me that he had feelings for me, I knew that. Just like he knew that I liked him as well. But that didn't change how far away from each other we lived. Or the fact that his celebrity status made every meeting stressful and somewhat risky. The fact that I was in the public eye as well definitely didn't help, even though his situation was of course completely different. In a way, it didn't matter that we liked each other. That we had gotten to know each other. As soon as that thought had entered my mind it was almost so all-consumingly sad that it took my breath away and I buried my face in his chest. I felt helpless. I felt like there was no answer to questions that had to be answered. And yet, given the options of hardly seeing him and if so in secret...and giving up on this completely I knew what my choice was. Not because it made sense or even was good for me. But because I couldn't let go. We should have talked more, probably, but didn't, we drowned our sadness in kisses and went to bed and when I woke up the next morning I felt exhausted.
Hayoon stepped out of the car when we had arrived at the airport to give us some privacy. We had spent the car ride staring out of the window, but I could tell by the way Namjoon was holding on to my hand for dear life, that he felt the heaviness of the situation as well. He didn't say much, so I didn't either. When I finally looked up at his face, we both forced smiles that eventually turned sincere. Neither of us wanted to end this wonderful time together like this and taint the memory. But there were no promises, no plans. We needed to talk, that had always been the plan after the trip, but we needed to think first as well.
Kissing had never felt so good and sad at the same time. When I finally got ready to get out of the car, I realized I was still wearing one of his sweatshirts, because I had been cold this morning but had already packed all of my stuff. I was about to take it off when Namjoon only squinted his eyes and told me with a hand gesture to not bother. "I do have enough black sweatshirts." I nodded. So this was going to be the last conversation we would have before I left? Not acceptable. I let out a loud sigh before I moved on his lap. He looked a bit surprised, but then I let my hands move through his hair and smiled at him. "Thank you for the best present. I will never forget this week." Now he was smiling back, his hands on my hips first, before using one to pull me down into a little kiss. "Me neither." I kind of had hoped he would say more. That he would find the words I couldn't or at least say something sweet. But who was I to expect him to do what I didn't dare to. No promises. One last look, one last kiss and then I got out of the car.
Hayoon had prepared my luggage next to the car. He smiled at me, said goodbye, got back in the car and drove off. He would bring Namjoon back to the airport as soon my flight had taken off, just to be sure.
I could hear blood rushing in my ear as I stood there. Almost like static, I wondered if it was an early sign that I would start balling my eyes out any minute, but that didn't happen. I took a few deep breaths, checked the time, fumbled a pack of cigarettes out of the depths of my purse, which I hadn't touched that whole week and promised myself that I would walk into this airport, fly home, make the best of it. It took three cigarettes in a row for me to finally having convinced myself I could do it, afterwards I felt almost sick, but I just had not been ready to get in. Another look at my phone was enough to push me enough though, I really had to get going.
I watched some show on the plane, got out of JFK and then waited forever to catch a cab. It was like I could feel my sadness - but definitely also my self-pity - in my body. I must have been quite a sight as well. Leggins, oversized sweatshirt, short faux leo fur coat, cigarette in one hand and a travel-size wine bottle from the plane in the other, which I had taken with me and was now finishing because I was thirsty and... fuck it. Because I was heartbroken. If this wasn't the moment to be dramatic, what was? My only consolation was that I hoped I looked like a 2013 Sienna Miller while sulking. In the cab, I called Lauren and told her that I needed to go out or something. That she had to distract me from my self-pity before I compared my hobo look to other beautiful actresses and started talking to myself about my heartache Carrie Bradshaw style. She understood. Sighed. And met me outside our apartment building. No hugs, to avoid tears. "Okay. Shower. Then we go for a quick bite. And then I am going to make Matty sneak us into Hamilton." I nodded. Got over myself and turned my phone off. I could do this.