perhaps the true first stage of grief?
Maya's head dropped into her hands with an exhausted sigh. She figured that she should have known that going on a run wasn't going to be a good idea. Her body had been working pretty hard lately, wanting to be exactly what Carina needed her to be, at least during the first few steps of her grieving process. However, this was not leaving Maya energy for much else, which she'd realized when she'd barely made it to the front steps of her apartment building before collapsing. Maya knew that the way that Carina's denial was manifesting was not healthy for Carina either. Even though it might be hard, and go against everything she'd wanted to be for her girlfriend when Carina was going through something this bad, Maya had to figure out a way to gently let Carina know that sex wasn't the solution, and also, in the spirit of being completely honest, that she wasn't sure how much longer she could keep going.
Carina had left the apartment for the first time since she'd found out about Andrew's death. Maya had gone on a run, and Carina hadn't been able to find any cream for the espresso machine, so she'd figured a trip to the store could do her good. Plus she'd really needed some espresso, and wasn't sure she could wait until Maya's return. She was absolutely drained, living off of barely four hours since Andrew had been stabbed. When Carina arrived back at the apartment, cream in hand, Maya was asleep on the front steps. Carina chuckled to herself, figuring that Maya must have taken a particularly long route on her run that evening. She knew she was incredibly lucky to have Maya, who was the one person who'd gotten anything more than a frown out of Carina in the past few days. She sat down next to Maya on the steps, setting the cream behind her. She slipped her arms around her girlfriend, tucking her head over the back of Maya's shoulder. Maya stirred, letting out a gentle hum.
"Mm, Carina I'm sleepy," she muttered, barely coherent to anyone who wasn't fluent in Maya Bishop. Carina could tell that Maya wasn't fully awake. She probably thought that they were upstairs in their bed.
"Bambina, we are on the front steps." At that Maya shot up, as much as Carina's grip around her would allow.
"I'm up! I'm up." Carina laughed, pressing a kiss to Maya's cheek. Maya was too astonished to react; she hadn't heard Carina laugh like that in days. She wasn't sure that it was a good thing that Carina was laughing. In fact, it strengthened her desire to talk to Carina about the denial. However, she knew that it was what Carina needed right then, and decided to put it off a little bit longer.
The second the doors closed behind them on the elevator, Carina pushed Maya against the mirrored wall, the espresso cream long forgotten on the concrete. She smiled, feeling fuzzy at the thought of being able to see both sides of Maya during this next activity. She pulled Maya's body to her, kissing her—hard. Maya kissed her back, just as hungrily. That was until Carina slipped her hand into Maya's underwear, her fingers getting dangerously close, and Maya couldn't do much of anything anymore.
"Is this alright?" Carina asked, her pupils blown.
"Si. Yes," Maya whimpered, "Please." With that Carina's fingers slipped in, and she curled up her thumb to put pressure on Maya's clit. Maya moaned, bucking forward. Carina smiled, gently pushing Maya's hips back against the wall with her free hand.
"Sai, bella, after this I'm never going to think about this elevator the same way again," she whispered seductively, "You might change your mind about always wanting to take the stairs." Maya shivered. In that moment, she considered never taking the stairs again. But the thought was quickly pushed aside; she wasn't quite ready to let go of that need quite yet. Plus, Carina's thumb began to press down harder, moving back in forth, flicking over the bundle of nerves underneath. Maya bit down hard on her lip, tasting blood.
"Merda, bambina. I'm sorry," Carina said frantically, leaning forward in an attempt to kiss away the pain.
"It's okay, Car— just— please—" Carina grinned, licking her lips.
"Si. Right." She resumed movement with her thumb, her fingers deepening. Carina curled one of her fingers forward, the other maintaining the constant pressure against Maya's G-spot.
"Fuck— Carina," Maya yelped, before collapsing back against the mirror. She slowly slid down onto the floor, her knees sliding forward. Carina tilted her head, giving Maya a puzzled look. She'd never seen Maya quite this overtaken by an orgasm anymore.
"I'm okay," Maya reassured, giving her girlfriend a quick smile, "Just recovering. That was-" she focused her eyes on Carina's, "incredibile." Carina smiled.
When they reached the apartment, Maya slipped into the bathroom, locking the door just in case. Carina always knocked, but Maya couldn't take any chances. The last thing she wanted to do was make Carina feel worse. Once she was sure it was locked, Maya slipped her underwear off. Sure enough, there was blood. And not, fucked so good that you got your period blood…your body physically cannot handle getting fucked anymore blood. Maya knew that if she ignored it, Carina was bound to find out at some point— maybe she'd pull her fingers out and they'd be covered in blood, and she'd wonder why Maya, who had barely gotten her period once since going on birth control in college, was all of a sudden having them again. Whatever the revealing incident ended up being, Maya knew that Carina would be angry if she found out that Maya had been bleeding after sex and hadn't told her about it, or done anything about it. There was a soft knock at the door.
"Maya? Bambina? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I'll be out in a second."
"Can I come in?"
"I'll be right out, Carina, I promise." She tried not to let her anxiety come across as frustration, which was exactly the opposite of what Carina needed from her. Maya was going to tell her as soon as she got out of the bathroom. She just didn't want Carina to see before she had a chance to breach the subject gently. Carina was slightly taken aback by Maya's tone. She knew the blonde well enough to know that it wasn't actually directed at her, but still, she was surprised. Maya had been walking on egg shells around Carina since the news, not wanting to let any of her own feelings or needs to get in the way of what Carina needed. It almost made Carina feel better, that Maya was actually allowing herself to feel what she was feeling, even if that meant not being exactly what Carina needed all the time. Before Carina could think too deeply about it, the door to the bathroom clicked, and Maya came out. All of a sudden Carina felt her heart rate speed up. Maya had locked the door to the bathroom. Maya never locked the door to the bathroom. Even from very early on in their relationship, Maya had never cared if Carina walked into the bathroom while she was using it. Something was wrong.
"Maya, what's going on?"
"I'm sorry, Car. I didn't mean to get short with you. I was just feeling anxious."
"Is that why you locked the door? You didn't want me to walk in on you being a human being with your own issues that you have to focus on sometimes even though I'm grieving?" Maya shook her head. Carina stepped towards her, hesitantly bringing her hands up to Maya's face, worried that Maya might pull away. She didn't.
"Allora cos'é? Bella, please." (Then what is it?) Maya sighed, looking up, her eyes meeting Carina's for the first time since the elevator.
"I'm bleeding."
"Eh? But your pill?"
"It's not my period." Carina's brow furrowed, suddenly even more confused than she had been before. Maya took a deep breath, her arms coming up to Carina's waist. She placed a hand on both of Carina's hips, holding tight. Carina gave her a reassuring smile, more for both of their benefits than just Maya's.
"It's from the sex." Carina's breath stopped in her throat, and she struggled not to choke. Maya immediately lifted one of her hands to Carina's back, helping her. "Before you say anything, it's not your fault. I should have said something earlier, but I know that this is what you need right now and I didn't want to take that away from you." Maya looked at Carina. Her face was pale, and she was sucking on her lower lip, which she often did when she was close to a panic attack.
"Hey," she took Carina's face in her hands, "You did not hurt me. Do you hear me?" Carina seemed to calm, some color returning to her face, her lip slipping out of her mouth.
"Maya, could- well, would you be willing to let me take a look? It's totally up to you. I just want to make sure everything looks alright." Maya hesitated. Something about Carina looking at that part of her from a medical standpoint made her nervous; if there was one way to take the sexiness out of a relationship, that was it. But she knew that it was probably a good idea to have someone check it out, and she felt way more comfortable with Carina than any of the other potential options.
"Yeah okay."
"Are you sure?" Carina wanted to make sure not to pressure Maya into anything that she didn't feel comfortable with. There was no need to violate her girlfriend on top of making her bleed.
"Yes I'm sure. I think it would be good to have it looked at, and as nervous as you doing it makes me, I would only feel comfortable if it was you." Carina nodded, pressing a kiss to Maya's forehead.
"Okay, bella, could you take off your underwear and sit on toilet seat for me? I'll give you a second. Just let me know when you're ready."
"You can come with me, it's okay," Maya said, taking Carina's hand to encourage her to follow. Carina let out a breathe she hadn't realized she'd been holding in. She hadn't been able to stop thinking about what would happen if Maya never felt comfortable letting Carina see her naked again. Once they were standing in the center of the bathroom, Maya let go of Carina's hand. She slowly removed her underwear once again and dropped it in the hamper— she was going to have to change her underwear anyways. Maya felt her heart rate start to speed up, and Carina sensed her hesitation. She brought Maya to her, placing Maya's hand on top of her own heart. Together they breathed in and out a few times. When Maya felt ready, she gently lowered the toilet seat, and sat on top of it, spreading her legs. Carina opened one of the cabinets, and pulled out a pair of non-latex gloves. When the gloves were snug on her hands, Carina knelt in front of Maya, pressing a light kiss to the inside of her knee. She then performed a basic gynecological exam as gently and quickly as she could.
"Nothing looks permanently damaged. It is definitely red down there. I think your G-spot is overstimulated. It should clear up in about a week, as long as there's no more stimulation before then of course." Maya should have been relieved that there was no permanent damage, and she was, but she was more relieved that she couldn't be touched for a week. She loved Carina so much, but she needed a break, and was glad that she had been given a mandatory one so that Carina's feelings never had to be hurt.
"See? I told you I'm okay." Carina tried not to look at her with sympathy, hating that Maya still felt the need to make jokes during uncomfortable situations. When Maya rose to grab a new pair of underwear, there was a pool of red left behind on the seat. It was this that finally broke Carina, knowing deep down that she was responsible for it. Maya sprinted back, struggling to pull up her new pair of underwear. She pulled Carina into her arms, her hands sliding all the way up her back, a motion that Maya had found tended to make Carina feel safe.
"I know, baby. I'm here."
"I made you bleed," Carina managed to choke out between sobs. Maya's heart yearned for Carina. She'd thought that she was finally feeling something about Andrew, which in a way she was. She was projecting her need to take the blame for her brother getting murdered onto the idea that she'd hurt Maya. As much as this wasn't exactly what Maya had been looking for, she knew that it was good for Carina to be feeling at least some of the pent up emotions inside her surrounding her brother's death.
Maya held Carina for a little over an hour. Carina had only cried for about five minutes, but Maya had wanted to make sure that Carina knew that she wasn't going anywhere, that Carina could feel whatever she needed to or not feel anything at all, and Maya was going to be there through it all.
"Let's go to bed," she said eventually. Carina nodded, burying her face in Maya's shirt for one more second before pulling away. Maya's hand found the small of Carina's back, digging her thumb in, another gesture that Carina found comforting. When they reached the bed Maya tucked Carina in, placing a kiss to her forehead. Then she walked around to the other side of the bed, turned off the light, and climbed in beside her girlfriend for their first actual sleep in almost five days.
When Carina opened her eyes the next morning, she was expecting Maya to already be up. She figured that she would be in the living room working on paperwork, something that wasn't really her responsibility since Andy had stepped in as captain while she was on leave, but paperwork relaxed Maya in a way that Carina could never understand. She was glad that her girlfriend had something though, even if it was paperwork. However, when Carina sat up, she realized that Maya was still in bed. She was facing the opposite direction, but Carina could tell from her breathing that she was still asleep. Carina hadn't realized quite how much she'd worn Maya out until the night before, and now the nap on the front steps made a lot more sense. Normally Carina would wake Maya up, knowing that she might be upset if she didn't, but Carina knew it was more important for Maya to get some much needed sleep. Instead she got up, going to the kitchen, to make some breakfast and plan their morning.
By the time Maya woke up, it was already noon. When Maya's eyes met the clock, she groaned. She couldn't remember the last time she'd slept this late, probably not since elementary school. As soon as track had gotten serious, there was no more sleeping in. She had been so conditioned by her father that it took a lot to prevent Maya's natural clock from kicking in. She sat up, slowly removing herself from the bed, the frame creaking in the process. Carina appeared in the doorway.
"Ciao, bella. Avete dormito bene?" she asked. Maya didn't know exactly what Carina had said, but she could tell from context clues that Carina was asking how she'd slept.
"Pretty good apparently."
"Just because you slept a long time does not mean it was effective sleep, bambina."
"Yeah, I know. I feel well rested though."
"That's good," Carina said, accompanied with a smile. Maya smiled back, walking up to Carina, and taking her hands.
"How are you doing this morning?"
"Oh, I'm grande! I made us breakfast, which I guess is more of brunch now, and I thought when we were done we could stop by the station, and you could finally give me that tour you are always talking about." Carina's eyebrow had raised suggestively as she'd said "tour." Maya's smile dropped slightly. Whatever had happened last night had just been a fluke. Carina was back to pretending that she had nothing to be upset about. Maya was frustrated, not at Carina of course who was allowed to grieve however she needed to grieve, but at the world for making Carina go through this. Then she had a revelation. Carina was already suggesting that they go to the station, and despite the fact that Maya knew that Carina's plan was for her to feel her up in the barn, Maya had already been thinking about trying to take Carina to the station. She had an idea that she thought might just work, and it didn't seem that far out of bounds now, now that Carina was suggesting, herself, that they go to the station.
"That sounds perfect," Maya said. Carina's face brightened, and she peppered Maya's face with kisses. Maya giggled, her fingers digging into Carina's sides. Despite the fact that she was worried about her, Carina never failed to give her those short moments where she forgot, where she let herself get lost in a daze of love for a little while.
"How long did you know Captain Herrera?" Carina asked. They were sitting at the table, where Carina's plates lay empty in front of her. Maya was finishing the last of her parfait, which had recently started making a common appearance in their morning diet, once Carina had witnessed how much Maya enjoyed it. This was a question Carina had asked Maya once before, but she hadn't been entirely in the right headspace to answer at the time, considering she'd still been struggling just to the get the image of her mentor falling through the roof of a burning warehouse out of her head. Now that the roles were reversed, Maya was happy to talk about Captain Herrera if it would help Carina come to terms with her own situation.
"My first year in the academy— that was when I met Andy. We were two of only four women in our class. AFAB representation has been getting so much better in the department these days," Carina smiled, taking pride in the fact that her girlfriend was a part of that, being captain and all. "But back then it was still rare to have more than a few women in a class," Maya continued, "This really set the women up to be against each other, fighting to get one of very limited spots. Andy and I made a promise very early on, a promise that no matter how competitive it got, that we would always celebrate each other's successes. We also promised never to steal an opportunity from the other. That was part of the reason why it was so hard for us when I got promoted to captain. We both felt as if the other had broken their promise." Carina hummed in understanding, her hand coming up to touch Maya's arm.
"Anyway, back to the academy— I had been wanting to find a place of my own to live in since I'd come back from the Olympics. It wasn't that I understand that I was being abused, obviously," Maya chuckled nervously. Carina took her hand, giving it a squeeze. "It was more that I was tired of feeling the constant pressure; he was still my favorite person, I just didn't want to live with him anymore." Carina nodded.
"I ended up talking to Andy about it one night, when we went out to drink after a particularly hard day. She said that she had a neighbor, a boy our age who was in the police academy, who was also looking to move out. I didn't find out until a while later that Ryan was Andy's ex boyfriend." Carina had heard about Ryan, and what had happened to him. "Imagine my surprise when I come home one day to find Andy in my apartment, butt ass naked, about to fuck my roommate in our sink." Carina laughed, and Maya couldn't help but to laugh too.
"Ryan's house was directly next to Andy's. They essentially shared a porch. When I went to Andy's to meet Ryan for the first time, and to discuss logistics, he was running late. Andy asked if I had eaten, which I hadn't, so she invited me in for dinner. Captain Herrera was still just a lieutenant then, and had been sent home early by his captain to spend time with his daughter. He had made this delicious chicken dish— I had only recently stopped following the diet that my dad had set for me for track, and I still felt uncomfortable about it, but that chicken was just so damn good."
"I actually had some of his cooking once," Carina said, smiling at the wonderful woman in front of her who she knew was making this story as long as possible on purpose, "I'd had a particularly hard day in my study. Amelia, who you've met, had participated and as a result, we'd discovered a massiccia tumor in her brain. I felt terribile. Miranda came to my office and said that she was going to a dinner at Ben's station and wanted me to join her. On the way there she told me that she knew it felt like if I had never asked Amelia to participate, then her life wouldn't have been ruined, but that I had to remember that the tumor would still be there, she just wouldn't know about it. Miranda Bailey looked me in the eye and told me that I had saved Amelia's life." Maya smiled, tucking a loose strand of Carina's hair behind her ear, encouraging her to continue. "When we got to the station, everyone was just so nice. I met Captain Herrera, and Travis, Vic, a few firefighters from a different shift I think."
"Yeah, that was probably Jeffery, Niles, and Franz. They're from B shift. They were filling in for Jack, Andy, and me. We were taking our captains test."
"Ah, si. I was wondering why you weren't there that night. I was confused because I knew I would have remembered meeting you." Maya smiled, a blush briefly covering her face. Carina smiled back, equally as red.
"When we sat down at the table for dinner, Captain Herrera pulled a huge roast out of the oven. It was delizioso."
"Yeah that was one of the things that we missed the most. When he retired, I mean. There were no more of those Herrera style meals. I love Andy, but she did not inherit her father's ability to cook. At all." Carina laughed. She had in fact tasted the younger Herrera's cooking as well. "So yeah that night at dinner was the first time I met him, and by the time he became our captain, he was already my idol."
"That's such a beautiful story, bambina. Thank you for sharing it with me," Carina said, her words laced with double meaning— thank you for sharing it with me, thank you for distracting me. Maya gave her a soft smile.
"What do you say, my love, you ready to hit this popsicle stand?" she asked. Carina narrowed her eyes in confusion.
"Cos'è quello?" (What's that one?) She'd heard Maya use it before when talking to her friends, but had never gotten it.
"Oh," Maya laughed nervously, "It's not really all that common. My mom used to say it to us a lot as kids, and I find myself saying it sometimes. It means 'are you ready to go?'" A film of tears covered Carina's eyes— she wasn't sad, but touched. Maya had such a complicated relationship with her mother because of the way that her father had treated both of them, and the way her mother had responded to that, but knowing that Maya's mom's influence was still evident in Maya warmed Carina's heart. She stepped forward, pulling Maya to her. With a kiss to the side of Maya's head, she let out a whispered, "Ready."
When they reached the station, Carina took Maya's hand and moved towards the bathrooms. Maya didn't budge. Carina turned.
"Bella?"
"I have a different idea."
"You have a better idea than toccarmi nelle docce della stazione?" (touching me in the station showers?) Maya took Carina's other hand. She lifted both to her lips, leaving behind a gentle kiss.
"Normally I would never turn down a chance to make you feel good, you know that. But I need you to trust me. Can you do that?" Carina took a deep breath. When she saw the look Maya was giving her, she nodded.
"Si."
"Come with me." Carina nodded again as Maya guided her in the opposite direction. They didn't go far before Maya stopped; they were standing next to the fire engine.
"What? What are we doing?" Carina's hand slipped from Maya's. Maya ignored the question, and walked up to the door, pulling it open, Carina close behind. "Okay, Maya," she pulled off her mask, "I'm not a child. I don't need a fire truck-" Maya leaned forward, turning on the sirens. "MAYA!" Carina yelled, her hands coming up to cover her ears.
"Scream," Maya said. She turned to face the brunette that she loved so much, that she couldn't bare to see suffer in denial any longer.
"What?!"
"Carina, your brother died. Scream!"
"I can't." Carina's arms rose in resignation. She'd tried before, in the shower, during the few moments when Maya had been out of the house.
"Do it!"
"No I-" Carina was interrupted by Maya screaming, loud. "I can't," Carina mumbled again, turning away.
"Do it," Maya repeated, before screaming again, even louder. Carina turned back, pulling her arms up, and lowering them as she screamed, as loud and long as her body would allow. When she was done, she walked forward, a sob escaping. She screamed again, Maya joining in. Carina almost buried her face in her hands, almost let the tears overtake her, but she didn't. She put her hands on her hips, letting out another scream, weaker than the others. She slammed one of her hands against the fire truck, paused, and then slammed both of them, harder. At this point both Maya and Carina were crying, and as Carina turned to face her again, Maya stuck her arms out. Carina walked into them, finally letting herself grieve the other half to her whole.
Maya sighed anxiously as she carried the mug of tea that Carina had asked for into their bedroom. She was so glad that Carina had finally moved past her denial, but she was worried about what was to come now that Carina had accepted that Andrew was gone. What she walked into was not was she was expecting. There was a collection of tissues on the bed, but Carina wasn't actively crying, she was holding what looked like a photo album. Maya set the tea down on the dresser, and sat down on the edge of the bed. She reached out and brushed a stray tear from Carina's cheek.
"What's that?" she gestured to the book in Carina's hand.
"It's a photo album. It's the only one I have from before Andrea and my mama moved to America. Mama loved to narrate her photo albums. Anyways, I was wondering if you would read it to me," Carina explained, her voice fast, accent thick, as always happened when she was nervous or embarrassed.
"Oh, Carina, of course. I would be honored." Maya said, giving Carina a reassuring kiss. Maya sat back against the pillows, patting the spot in front of her. Carina moved so that she leaned back against Maya; she wedged one of her hands between Maya's leg and the duvet, needing the constant physical connection. When Carina was settled, Maya pressed a kiss into her hair, and began to read.