4 years later

When I got out of the embassy I took a deep breath. I knew nothing spoke against getting my visa renewed and still the waiting, the wondering whether I had filled out all forms correctly or whether maybe a simple mistake would break my neck and on top of that the fact that I was incredibly hungry, had made me doubt it for some reason. But when I had finally gotten into an office and the guy behind the desk there had only taken a quick - very bored - look at my papers, I had left only five minutes later. Two more years of not worrying. I could easily deal with doing this every two years, but I was just happy it was done for now. Now really incredibly hungry I bought myself a sandwich at a Tescos down the road before getting on the tube home. I wanted to call Micky and tell him how it had gone, but to my surprise, he was already sitting on the couch when I got into our apartment. He didn't say anything, just looked at me and I started nodding. "All good." He smiled, got up, hugged me tightly. "Thank god. I mean, deep down I knew it would be, but for some reason today I got nervous as well." He had not said anything this morning, but I knew it probably was because he didn't want to freak me out. "Let me just... put all this paperwork away and how about afterwards we get a drink? Celebrate that absolutely nothing has to change?" "Always a good reason to celebrate."

I scanned some papers and send them to work. Then I filed some of the originals and the rest went into the big purse I usually took to work. I didn't have to do all that today, but I just didn't want to look at it anymore for a while. An hour later we were on our way and Micky invited some friends while I tried to keep him from walking into people because he was on his phone. When we got to the pub we had a glass of wine to toast and then slowly but surely our friends started showing up. The tension in my body started going away and made room for happiness, relief. I looked at my friends and felt lucky because someone with crazy work hours like I had them didn't necessarily found friends easily when moving to a new city. Country even. But the last year had really solidated the relationships I had made outside of my relationship or work. When I looked over at Micky, I smiled widely. Yeah, I felt lucky. Even though the beginning of us about two years ago had been somewhat rocky - me adjusting to someone who enjoyed proper dates and all the unwritten rules that came with that, someone who had clearly grown up with a lot more money than me, someone with a family so incredibly snobby I still struggled with family gatherings sometimes... now we were good. It wasn't that Micky - Matthew - was simply a shallow wealthy Oxbridge guy - he definitely could though on bad days. He was funny and still surprised me all the time. He kept me on my toes and once we had made things official he had been all in. Almost to a point that had scared me for a while, but then I had gotten used to it. To him. Maybe it came as no surprise that we had moved in together a year later and even though I had told him that he had to slow down a little when it came to marriage talk in front of my family... sometimes it almost felt like we were just that - a married couple. Not because we finished each other's sentences or had grown tired of each other, rather because there was no question between us whether this was longterm. And that felt incredible. We still fought regularly and at some point, I simply accepted that this was to be expected more often than in any of my previous relationships. I told myself in these moments that I'd rather have him have an opinion on everything and anything - even if it should have not been any of his business sometimes - than no opinion at all.

I saw an email from work pop up on my phone around 7 PM, the secretary of the man I was working for, host of a British late-night show, had congratulated me and told me Andrew said he was happy to know I would stick around for two more years instead of going back to that hellhole. Ever since I had moved to London after he had offered me the job as his sidekick, he poked fun of me. Not even for being US-American, just for being from New York. Which was about the opposite reaction from what most people I met here had, but I knew it was all in good fun. It was part of the spiel we went through on-air. My segments were short, I talked about pop culture and music and nothing serious. While he told the viewership his opinion on politics, financial crises and really anything, my topics were still light, even though recently he had given me a bit more leeway when it came to expressing a few stances. It had been worth it. Leaving my own show and team had been incredibly hard, but like online trends sometimes just did... at that point, my numbers hadn't been great anymore. Lauren had moved to Austin. And at some point, I simply had been ready for something new and exciting.

My little moment of happiness was rudely interrupted by Mary, who was sitting next to me. She had been on her phone and now showed me the screen. "Isn't this that K-Pop band you used to like?" I tried to focus on the screen and almost gasped. There it was. In big black letters. They were back. I took the phone from here and skimmed through the article, which frustratingly had no information apart from the fact that they indeed would have a comeback. Underneath people were already busy speculating, others saying that it was really no surprise, now, that they had finished their military service. Had it really been two years already?

When I gave Mary her phone back to switch to my own, Micky was looking at me. "BTS is coming back," I said, my eyebrows raised and he copied me, then started nodding. "Well, had to happen eventually, hm?" I shrugged my shoulders. For some reason, I had always thought things weren't that easy. Yes, up until they had all - together - started their military service, they had been absolutely huge, but that didn't automatically mean that two years apart from the pop world, ARMY and each other wouldn't change things. "I guess so." I looked down at my phone, then changed my mind and put it away and Micky sighed quietly and put his arm around me. "You know it's going to be fine this time around. Maybe a little awkward, but it's not 2019 anymore." I smiled. When I had told Micky about Namjoon he had not reacted as well, it was easy to see how little he had the longing for competing with some super famous ex-fling, but I had made it very clear back then that it was simply a story now. Something I wanted him to know, but that Namjoon clearly wasn't 'the one that got away'. More like the one you had a crush on and then ghosted you. But you had also talked about the fact that there was a good chance that you would see him again, interact with the whole band again if they did reform. Even though you lived somewhere else, worked on a different format... surely there was no way around BTS if the did come back. People had been so devastated when they had said goodbye for two years, I was pretty sure they could put out whatever music they wanted really, people would have eaten it up either way.

"No, I know," you said, gently kissing him, before leaning into his side. "You want to call Lauren?" he asked and it made me chuckle. He knew me well. Micky had never really understood our friendship, but he knew when I usually wanted to talk to her and only her. I shook my head. "Nah. It's around noon in Texas, if I wake up the baby from his nap one more time she is actually going to kill me." Micky smirked. It had only been a couple of days since I had called Lauren in the morning, forgetting that it was the middle of the night for her. But because we were each others person she had picked up anyways and that had woke the whole little family up. And then I had to tell her that I had just wanted to talk to her about some tv show and she had cursed at me for a minute straight before hanging up. I could hear Micky laughing the whole time I was in the shower that morning.

"Is there music any good?" Mary, who I had almost forgotten about and who looked a bit confused next to us, asked. I sighed a little. "We'll see. It could be completely different." "And the old stuff?" "It's... pop music. But it's very fun and loud and... sometimes actually quite nice..." I was interrupted by Jamie on the other side of the table, who clearly had had a few pints too many by that point, starting to sing Dynamite. I laughed and Mary just made a little "Ohh!" sound as if to say "Oh those guys..." And then Micky started joining in and the situation was super absurd but fine. I was actually having fun. Because I was over it, had been for a while.

A couple of weeks passed and soon there were first rumours at work. They are promoting their new album. They are coming to London. They are coming to our show. No, they are not coming to our show, they go to Graham Norton, we are not big enough. Oh, they are coming, there is something bigger in the works.

I tried to ignore the chatter, up until I heard that last comment for the first time. I knew then and there that I had to talk to Andrew. He wasn't completely unaware of my connection to BTS, because of course, somebody had dug up dirt about me before hiring me three years ago. But he had never asked about it too much, which I really appreciated.

"So, is it true what I heard? Is this more than an interview?" I finally asked and he slowly nodded. "It could be. Nothing is set in stone yet. But they are looking for a team to basically shadow them through their European promotion and of course absolutely everyone wants to do it." I squinted. Why the hell did Andrew think we could get that job when there were so many big names that probably were interested as well. I didn't want to say it out loud, but he apparently knew what I was thinking. "Look. They know whatever they do next will be a big deal. Followed by a hit single and a hit album and whatnot. But the pitch basically said they want to get back where they were longterm so they are carefully looking into what to promote with whom. We are giving this our best shot. And if - against all odds - we get it, I, of course, want you to be involved, unless you really don't want to do it. Which I hope is not the case. I mean I can't make you do it, but..." I sighed, nodded, then shook my head, all in a matter of two seconds. "No no, of course, I would do it. Andrew, that sounds great. Have you sent them anything back yet?" He shook his head. "The team is working on a pitch, but if you'd be in... maybe let's look over it again tomorrow before we send it out." I nodded. Over the next couple of days, first press images were released. Promotion dates on other continents leaked. And we worked on that pitch like there was no tomorrow. By the end of it, I was exhausted and had read through it so many times that words just didn't make any sense anymore, but after sending it, I was sure it was good. Great even. Hopefully great enough. Maybe if they didn't want us, then I could use the concept with a smaller band, following them through Europe.

We didn't hear anything for two long weeks, which wasn't surprising at all but a little nerve-wracking. But when I came into the office on a Tuesday and things got quiet, my eyes grew big. Andrew, standing in the door frame to his office, was grinning at me, no words. "No!" "Yes!" "No way!" "Yes way. Lady, you have no idea what you have gotten yourself into... but... you have! They called an hour ago. They liked the pitch and we are starting pre-production next week." My mouth was open wide and at that moment I really only could feel joy. No worry. No fear. Just joy about this turn of events, for me, for the team, for the opportunity. So I hugged Andrew, then his assistant, had half the office laughing at me and decided I really didn't need a coffee to wake up this morning.

And so the planning began. It started with video calls with Big Hit, all very professional. From the way they acted nobody would have ever guessed that they had probably heard my name and even though I was curious that there wasn't a portion of that first conversation where they asked my team to leave the room to talk to me about it... I was happy about just that.

My own team grew and soon I had three people around me working with the team in Seoul. Big Hit would send updates on schedules, interviews, hotels, activities and then my team would take care of the rest. Filming permits. Storyline. More schedules. We took over a whiteboard in one of the smaller conference rooms to note down those parts of the 18 days trip that were finalized and every day the vision manifested until all of the sudden their arrival in the UK was only a week away and I got so stressed I cried one night when I was at work, but two of the members of my team had already done so the night before so at least I felt like we were all in this together. In the meantime, BTS had started promotion, first in Korea, then all over Asia. We had to make some last-minute changes which I wasn't too crazy about, simply because not all ideas for the Asian promo tour had been properly communicated to us and there was overlap. But we made it work. After a last video chat plans were finalized and my team was given the weekend off to get our private life under control again, wash, pack, rest. We would need it.

Micky had been there for all of it. Of course, he hadn't been too thrilled about that I would usually come home after midnight and sometimes leave for work again before he did, but he got it. His work in a law firm was very different from mine, but he somehow got it. And he cheered my on, so did Lauren. Once more, BTS was giving me an opportunity to boost my career and even though I really didn't like that thought it was true and it worked. As soon as our project was low-key announced, I had interview requests, but at least none of the old rumours surfaced beyond ARMY circles.

The night before BST appearance on Andrews show, Micky and I had finally found some time to be alone and relax a little. It felt almost as if I had forgotten how great sex could be after being so all over the place the last couple of weeks. "Maybe I can meet you somewhere on a weekend? I know you will be busy, but I wouldn't say no to a nice dinner and stroll through Madrid or something..." I smiled, happy he was so on board. "I let my team get back to you on that" I said and he rolled his eyes and then kissed me so hard that I forgot about everything that was outside of the walls of our bedroom.

Saying goodbye the next morning wasn't easy. We would be in London for another day, but because filming this trip somewhat like a documentary would mean crazy hours, we had booked rooms in the hotel BTS was staying at and I just knew there wouldn't be time to get home. "When you get back we should finally go on that vacation we've been talking about. Cape Town. Plett. Maybe drive down the Garden Route." It sounded like a dream, even though right after this I would probably would only want to sleep for a while. "Yes. Look into it. I'm going to make this up to you, promise." "Oh, you will." He said with a cheeky smile and I kissed him again before leaving. On the cab ride to the studio, I had to admit that life was pretty great. Only to start getting slightly nervous a few minutes later.

I had been looking forward to the trip after all this work had gone into it, but there was a good chance they would not talk to me after the cameras had been turned off. Which, admittedly, I had done to them a few years ago as well. But even if that happened, it would be worth it. So I tried to not think about it - which of course got harder with every minute - and helped pack up our offices. We ended up with six suitcases full of office supplies and folders and receipts, which we had to take with us on top of camera gear and batteries and microphones... and our own suitcases. It wasn't light travel, but to be expected. But thank god someone had convinced us to opt for the biggest van option, while we would travel with BTS and some smaller equipment by whatever transport they would use. Mostly flights but sometimes a tour bus or even more unconventional modes of transport, mainly as part of the concept of the show.

"They'll be here in about 20 minutes." I heard Andrews assistant yell through the office all of the sudden and we all hurried to make ourselves presentable. I actually changed into another shirt because I had gotten so sweaty from the stress and heavy luggage. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror in front of me I tried to take a few deep breaths. It would be awkward at first. But then it would be fine. It would be work and maybe even fun. I remembered Lauren texting a "If he is mean to you you can always mention Expensive Girl on air..." a few days ago, which made me laugh. And with that, I left the bathroom and sat down at my desk.

It wasn't hard to tell when exactly they did arrive. At first, it was only managers and team setting up around our office. There were screams outside on the street when the boys arrived and I kept myself from trying to spot them. The energy around the office was loaded all of the sudden and then they arrived, lounging around a couch area, being brought coffee and other drinks. My door was open and I heard Andrew greeting them so I decided it was time for me to get out there as well. My mouth was a bit dry for a second, but then I got over myself. No hugs, just handshakes. But smiles. Maybe Jungkook didn't Noona me anymore, but he called me by my nickname. And when Namjoon got up and shook my hand, we both smiled at each other while saying hello and it felt civil and I was relieved. We stood there for a second talking, introducing the team that would travel with them and then they were rushed off into makeup. As soon as the last one of them had left I had to sit down. "Seems to could have gone worse..." Georgia, who had found out about the Namjoon thing while doing her research on our project and had quizzed me all about it quite early on, said. She wasn't the only one who knew about it. Georgia wasn't the one who had told everyone, but as soon as the next person had found out about it... I had gotten very clear the whole office knew. Which was fine with me, had to happen, at least nobody's comments were actually mean-spirited.

I got into makeup as well, read through my notes for the show, sat down at my little desk on the side of the stage and watched a staff member try to hype up the studio audience before the taping began. Which wasn't needed today because there was enough ARMY in the room to already make this the most enthusiastic audience in a while. I saw them looking at me from time to time - they had apparently not forgotten - but I could deal with that. The show began, one guest after the other came out to be interviewed and then BTS performed their new song. I had heard it, I had seen it on tv. Still, live... it was even better. Which was good, I would get to see it a lot in the coming weeks, so it would have been somewhat unfortunate if I hated it.

I hardly had time to catch my breath afterwards, because I was right there with Andrew interviewing them, only for him to introduce our little project as if it had been an actual well-hidden secret. There was a little intro clip about what was about to happen before I made some jokes about joining BTS. Hobi got up to dance in front of my chair, I joined in, and Andrew used the moment to thank everyone and wrap up the show while laughing behind us. Hobi and I danced halfways through the credits and then fell into each other's arms as if we were old friends. When really we just were people who made their living by pretending to have a good time. Okay, harsh. It wasn't like this was no fun, but it was a little forced as well. At least from my side. But it was also a good start. When Hobi next to me still smiled at me after the cameras had stopped rolling and we quickly left the stage to avoid fans rushing onto it, I gave him a high five, maybe a bit as a thank you. We had a quick drink backstage to talk about the following day and I properly talked to Namjoon for the first time.

They had changed. Maybe not drastically, they still looked young and fashionable and fit. But especially Jungkook and Tae had grown up a little. Maybe Kookie had gotten even buffer. But they just seemed a bit calmer in general, at least backstage. It was nice to see that they were clearly enjoying their time together, the break from each other had had to be so absolutely weird after all that time seeing each other non-stop. Namjoons hair was a silvery grey again, apart from that he didn't have changed much, at least physically.

"So... you live in London now." he finally stated when we were standing next to each other, after Yoongi who had been talking to the both of us had gone to find a bathroom. I nodded, not sure what to add. "Kinda funny. I really didn't see you ever leaving New York." he said and took a sip of beer. It was the first time someone had said anything that was an acknowledgement of the fact that we had all met before. So his words rang in my ears for a second, then I shrugged my shoulders. "No, me neither. But I always liked London" He smiled, nodded again. "I know."

And that was that. We had "talked". Soon a stylist was taking Namjoons blazer from him, probably, I figured, so he wouldn't somehow wreck it, and I went to talk to someone else. When I finally lay in bed in my suddenly very quiet hotel room I was tired, but my mind was still going over everything that had happened today. I tried to listen to my head. And my heart. Maybe even my body, but all in all I felt like it had gone well and maybe for once... there wouldn't be any drama. Good. Before I set my alarm I checked my phone one last time and saw that Lauren had sent me a picture. Of baby Tim, wearing a headband. I had to squint my eyes, but then realized it was an old RJ headband. "If you feel like it and things aren't too weird... show Jin this. He will get a kick out of it." I could see Lauren's husband Jerry looking a bit pissed in the background, but the whole image was so fake and I knew the guy, they had made a whole photoshoot out of it. I laughed, replied and then turned off the light next to me.

Early the next morning we left for France. I had done these sort of super casual seeming docs on musicians (which were not scripted but of course prepared to oblivion) plenty in the last couple of years so that part felt natural. After having recorded them getting ready to leave and some introductions we filmed at a private lounge in Heathrow, I decided we didn't need anything on the plane, we would have plenty of them in the coming days. At some point during the flight, Kookie sat down next to me and asked me about the cameras we used (which I, of course, had no clue about) and how we were planning these kinds of things. He must have realized I was staring at him in surprise because his English had gotten incredibly good. I thought all these years ago it hadn't been bad but both his grammar and pronunciation had improved a lot. He asked me what was wrong with a shy smile that made my heart melt. "You... Kook, your English." He looked proud and indeed very pleased with himself. "I know! My roommate in the army... his mother is English and we tried to talk only in English after a while. I think it took me a while, but it has been really nice. Now I can finally speak for myself and don't have to sit in the background looking like an idiot all the time." I still wasn't over it, he could see that and laughed. He definitely wasn't the only one, they had all improved, had even taken language courses in the last couple of months leading up to the comeback. But Kookie was definitely sporting a slight Britsh accent, which in combination with the Korean one was charming. "I think I made Noona speechless."

I couldn't believe he had said that, he looked a little scared himself that he might have overstepped, but finally, I just put an arm around his shoulder and squeezed it a little. I had never been mad at him in particular, I knew he had hung up when I called him because his loyalties were strong, but he had been the only one to at least pickup. He was a good egg, I knew that. He smiled widely and then continued to talk about his time in the army, I listened, trying to ignore that both Jin and Namjoon on the other side of the aisle were eyeing us from time to time. I was curious about what was going on in their heads but had given up a long time understanding those two.

When Kook started asking about me moving, he eventually asked about Lauren as well, all proud that he had remembered her name after some thinking. "Oh" I said, remembering her message. "She says hi." I couldn't not notice Jin looking up, not even hiding it. "She actually sent me a picture to show you guys." I pulled it up and Kookie looked at it for a second before he started laughing. "Can I show him?" "Sure." He handed the phone past Namjoon to Jin, who took it and then started laughing. "Noooo... a baby?" I grinned. "But...noooo..." I started laughing properly. "He is my godson, don't trash talk him." Jin looked at Namjoon, clearly not familiar with the terms godson or trash-talking, who quickly translated it for him. "And this boyfriend?" He finally asked. "This husband." "Ohhh...can I write?" He mimicked typing on my phone and I shrugged, then nodded. Surely Lauren didn't mind. She had been upset about what had happened back then, but never because Jin had never gotten back to her after they had had that one night. Also, she had sent the picture so I figured it would be fine.

I watched Jin and especially his facial expressions when he tried to find letters on the non-Hangul keyboard, only to then realized Namjoon was looking at me. Our eyes met for a second before I tried a smile instead of just looking away. He smiled back. His expression had been so hard to read. There was no emotion, he just simply seemed to study me. I wasn't that surprised, me talking to Jin about Lauren as if the last four years had not happened must have been weird. He had, after all, also probably wondered how this all would go. But I had realized quickly that if this whole trip would be done like that - me talking to them when the cameras were put down - I didn't want to pretend nothing had happened and talk about the weather in Seoul.

"Please, do not tell her that her child would be cuter if you were the father." Namjoon finally said and it made me laugh, which made him look up again. "Yeah. Please don't do that." I added. Seconds later Jimin had moved from his seat down the aisle to sit on Jin's lap, clearly not okay with the fact that people were talking here without him. He didn't even say anything, just listened as Jungkook kept talking about the army and then eventually they all did. It seemed they had been able to see each other from time to time, they had always been in contact with Big Hit, spending their time off in meetings, learning languages, instruments. But their lives still had been so completely different from what they had done before, that it had shocked them. A lot. They didn't talk about whether or where they had been sent and I didn't ask. But it was fascinating imagining someone like Jimin in the military. My stance on the whole idea of such a long forced period of military service was that I thought it was... bad, really bad. But it wasn't my place, so I just listened, while Jimin talked about it, cuddling into Jin, who seemed to not even really notice it while playing a game on his phone.

By the time we arrived at Charles de Gaulle, I felt a bit caught up, something I had never imagined possible. There were questions I had, I still sometimes wondered what exactly had happened back then, but having a nice chat was higher on my list of priorities. "You didn't tell us about yourself! Next time you tell us how you got to London." Kookie said, looking as if he suddenly had realized and was kind of shocked by himself. "Alright," I said and left the plane after him.

Over the next two days, there was so much to do. The schedule - with exceptions - was built around arriving, then doing interviews, talk shows, photo ops, followed by a few days in each country for them to shoot their online content, which usually involved challenges and activities. We had tried to schedule some times for interviews as well, so that we could add them in between scenes later, in the hopes that together it would form a coherent representation of this trip, but these things were sometimes hard to plan. On the second day in Paris, I noticed that my team had relaxed a little, which meant them randomly filming things that were maybe not on the schedule. We had agreed to strictly not film between 9 PM and 7 AM unless there was a special activity scheduled or something happened and everyone agreed it was worth maybe taking out some smaller cameras we always had with us. That still meant we were basically constantly filming the guys during the day and it had to be exhausting, especially combined with all that press. By the time we got to the Provence for some days of beach fun, hiking and paragliding, everyone was tired and we ended that night not willing to leave the hotel for food because everyone was so done. I had never seen a take out order that big until it arrived in the lobby and most people started to hang out there while eating. Big Hit had booked the whole small hotel for the three nights we were there, avoiding the possibility of people staying there just for BTS. Even though local media had apparently found out who was staying... the crowd in front of the hotel wasn't nearly as bad as what I had seen in New York or London.

"So... you are talking to me." Namjoon had sat down next to me on a couch after we had all had pasta and a couple of beers. I looked at him for a second. "Oh, we are talking about this..." He shrugged. "Would have been a long-ass trip if I ignored you." I finally said, pushing my fork through the last bit of pasta. "I just wasn't sure you would..." he replied. Not sure what to answer I finally looked up at him, sighed. "Look, I know I ignored you in the past. But... A. I just wasn't ready then. And B. I had a choice and now I don't. And... well C. you were the one who basically invented ignoring each other."

I really didn't want to start a fight, but I was also not going to lie or sugar coat it. I wasn't angry at him anymore, but in my mind, there was no question who had been the reason why we had lost contact. Clearly.

He opened his mouth as if to protest, but my phone rang and when I saw it was Micky I excused myself. "Hey. Yeah, I have time. How did it go with your mum?" I said while getting up, then walking a few steps away from Namjoon, but he probably could still hear me. "Yeah yeah, all good. But I'd rather know how you are doing." Micky sad while laughing. "Is everyone constantly looking at the ground and it is super awkward?" "No." "Is everyone TOO polite?" "No..." "Oh... are they around right now and you can't talk?" I chuckled "Yap, that is...exactly the case." "Okay, then you have to tell me that you love me..." "What?" "Come on..." "Micky, no, why... are you actually going to make me..." "Just humour me. You can't tell me that deep down you don't want to tell him that you have a super handsome, super successful boyfriend. Who could totally take him in a fight..." "Actually I kind of doubt that." "Whatever. That super handsome boyfriend, you want to let the guy know how much you love him and what he missed out on." "Horrible" "Do it." I stood there, my back to Namjoon, considering to quickly step outside, but Micky was kind of right. There was a little bitchy part of me that wanted to do what he asked, just to be petty because I could. "I love you. Hope you have a nice night. I talk to you tomorrow?" "Yaaaasss" I heard him say on the other side before I ended the call, shook my head smiling and then returned to my plate. That had been about the most childish move ever, but it kinda made me feel good, especially when I noticed that Namjoon was still sitting there and there was absolutely no way he had not heard me. "I'm going to get some dessert" I said so I didn't have to continue this awkward conversation and he just nodded, turning around to Tae and asking him something in Korean.