If it hadn't been a lot of work, these days in France would have been the perfect vacation. We had found some beaches farther away from bigger cities that were almost empty and the sun was shining down on us... I could almost hear compilation music playing in the background as soon as we got out of the van. The boys and I had fun goofing around the water, we had a little pop quiz while sitting on beach chairs and spent the rest of the day making them order stuff in French. It was funny, not necessarily the most qualitative journalism I had ever done, but this had never been a trip where we talked about Foucault's Panopticon, even though Tae probably would have enjoyed that kind of content. While the nights of these shoots usually were spent partying hard with other bands, that wasn't really working for BTS, so we stayed in, trying to make the best of it. Some of the boys went back to their rooms to work on some stuff or just rest after a long day, but it seemed you could down to hanging out in the lobby or hotel restaurant at any time of night and find someone there. The crews were bonding, somebody had actually brought board games and I had quite a bit more alcohol than I had thought when imagining what the trip would be like. I did enjoy myself. Things got a lot easier once I didn't shift uncomfortably anymore every single time Namjoon entered a room. I was still aware of his presence most of the time, but it got better and definitely also easier every day. And he seemed to relax more as well, messing around with the guys or just reading while other people around him chattered away.
Things got even crazier when we got to Spain. People were focused, people were doing their jobs and doing it well, but at night... god, there was a lot of alcohol. Had their tours also always been like that? From what Namjoon had told me it had always seemed as if they had been so exhausted that they would eat and then crash. But then again, this wasn't tour. Days were jam-packed with things to do, but there was hardly any dancing, no rehearsals, maybe one or two proper performances when there were interviews on bigger shows.
After a PR stop in Madrid, we went to Valencia for more filming. My crew had a little get together to discuss whether we felt like the system was working, we found some stuff that could be better and made a plan on how to improve. Our hotel was at the beach and so I wandered off to the water while talking to Micky on the phone. He was standing outside a pub, our friends inside and we laughed about how we were both in kind of the same situation. After we had said our goodbyes, I made my way back up the beach and onto the promenade. The hotels all sort of looked the same and I wasn't sure exactly which one was ours, I checked the address on my phone when I realized I was standing only a few meters from a couple, making out against a palm tree on the promenade.
Because it was dark I really had not seen them when I had walked up but now I was so close that I realized I knew the girls dress. It was Georgia. My mouth opened a little and my next instinct was to walk away as fast as possible because the last thing I wanted was for her to realize I was standing next to her all of the sudden while making out with some random guy. But it wasn't some random guy I realized when they shifted. The two were holding onto each other for what seemed like dear life, but when her mouth moved to his neck, I recognized the black curly hair. Nahhhh?
I surprised me so much that I actually stopped moving, staring at... well, maybe the hottest thing I had ever seen two people do up close? I mean, they were only making out, but his hand was on her ass and he had his eyes closed, his head leaned against the tree, his mouth open in a smile. Maybe it was the fact that the promenade was so beautiful. Or the alcohol. Or maybe it was just actually them. Him. I just couldn't look away.
And then Kookie opened his eyes and looked right at me. Probably at first without recognizing me in the dim light of the street lamps, but I could tell once he did. He moved his head, looking straight at me now and his smile only grew wider, before he bit his lower lip. And I almost dropped my phone.
To quote Namjoon: "That little shit." That... really hot little shit. I finally turned around and walked into the hotel, my cheeks flushed. Georgia came back inside a bit later. Said she was tired and went upstairs, nobody said anything. And then Kookie followed a couple of minutes later. I tried to avoid his stare, couldn't after a while and he dared to grin and wink at me. Before taking the elevator up. Well, they were about to have fun. And I was still blushing. Not because I had surprised them. But because I felt deeply uncomfortable about thinking about the little one (that... well, wasn't quite as little anymore) that way.
"You okay?" Namjoon asked after having suddenly appeared next to me. "You look a little... well, did you recently run anywhere?" Great. "Eh no, I just... choked on my own spit when I was outside on the phone." ... Great explanation! That was really the only thing that had come to my mind? He looked down at me with one eyebrow raised, murmured a little almost unimpressed sounding "cute" and then walked off. Only to appear again a moments later, a water bottle in hand which he gave me. I thanked him and started drinking... because I kinda had to now.
After Spain we went to Germany, then the Netherlands, then Sweden. By then my sense of time was basically nonexistence. Things calmed down, people started to get tired. Micky had visited me in Stockholm and it had been really nice. I didn't have much time for him, so during the day, he had wandered the city, taking me for overpriced meals in the evening. He had been nothing but polite talking to Bangtan and they were never anything but polite in general, which was a relief. The few times he had talked to Namjoon, both had been a bit cold and the conversation seemed forced.
"He is a knobhead." he had told me one night in bed. "Wow, what did he do?" "Nothing." "Knobhead. That's... nice." He gave me a knowing look. "Come on, what he did to you was a dick move." I nodded, but then shrugged. "Yeah, but I don't want to think about it now, it doesn't matter anyways and I am trying to get along." "Still a knobhead." It made me laugh. Even though Namjoon had never really done anything to Micky himself, it probably was normal for him to somewhat dislike the guy.
We said our goodbyes outside the hotel and I knew it wouldn't be long till I saw him again so it was fine. He had left in the morning and by the time I was almost ready to go to bed I had still not heard from him, even though I was sure he had to have arrived back in London hours ago. I texted him, but there was no response, so finally, I called. Eventually, he picked up, he told me about his flight, I told him about the way the sun was setting over the view from my hotel room. "Show me?" he asked. "Okay, let me just switch to video call." I murmured, trying to figure out how. I pointed my phone at the view and only looked down a few seconds later, realizing that him accepting the video automatically had turned on his camera as well. But he didn't look like he had realized it as well, sitting in the half-dark on the side of the bed, no shirt and I was about to comment mockingly that I liked his outfit when the door to our bathroom behind him opened. The bathroom light was on and in stark contrast to the darkness of the bedroom, so it took a second for the camera to adjust, but then I saw a figure getting out of the bathroom, a woman, only wearing a towel. She sat down on the other side of the bed, Micky smiled at her and reached over with his hand to gently touch her neck which she answered with a little playful kiss to his forearm.
My eyes got bigger and bigger. "Micky?" "Hm?" "What are you..." He seemed surprised, finally looked down and saw that his camera was on as well. I heard him curse and turn the phone quickly, but seconds before I had recognized her. It was our friend Mary. Moments later he switched back to voice call, I heard shuffling in the background and had no idea what to say and then suddenly it hit me and I felt like my whole body was in pain.
"Hey, Ollie, ehm...sorry, connecting is bad on this end, what did you say about the view?" I couldn't say a thing, I just sat there, my hands shaking. And finally, life entered my body again. "You... are the fucking worst." I screamed at him. I heard him move, probably leaving the room. "Why? What?" "Fuck, Mick, I am not blind. Mary..." "Oh... no she is just visiting, she..." "Don't you dare tell me that... don't you dare lie to me. What the hell, Micky."
He was quiet, then tried to deny it, his voice shaky, I had started crying and screamed profanities at him that I wasn't proud of, but couldn't hold back. And when he started talking again I just hung up, not able to talk or think. Everything felt so unreal, but there it was: the truth.
Micky was hooking up with Mary behind my back. Hours after he had woken me up with the sweetest words on his lips and his hand between my legs. I felt sick. I felt as if I was about to fall to my side on the bed. Tears were streaming down my face, I sat there until he tried to call me and quickly turned off the phone. No.
It must have been 30 minutes before I moved, I was hot and then cold and then I felt as if I was actually about to vomit, so I ran over to the bathroom, but nothing happened. I just sat there on the bathroom floor crying. Lauren. I wanted Lauren to help me. She wasn't almighty, she couldn't change what I had just found out, but she usually knew what to do at least. But I didn't want to turn on my phone again. So I just cried and cried and every time I tried to get up and saw my face in the mirror I cried again. It took another hour before I was just so dried up that I couldn't cry anymore, I tried to wash my face a little and then stood there staring at the mess that was my face...
Turning around to walk over to the bed I realized it still was in exactly the same state as when we had left it this morning and suddenly I just wanted to get away. So I grabbed my jacket and keys, ran down the hotel corridor on slippers and in PJs. I had almost made it out of the hotel without anyone seeing me when I heard Georgia calling me but I just kept walking. My hands were so shaky that I didn't manage to get my cigarettes out of my leather jacket, so I was still standing on the other side of the street when Georgia was running up to me. When she saw my face there was a look of terror on hers. "What... shit, what happened." I couldn't talk. I could only cry while trying to use the lighter. After a few seconds, Georgia just grabbed it from me, lit my cigarette and then stared. "Talk. Now. Just tell me you aren't hurt!"
I shook my head and she sighed, putting an arm around me because apparently now my whole body was shaking. We didn't say anything until I finally got an "asshole is cheating on me with one of our best friends." out.
Georgia just stared at me, muttered a quiet "fuck" and then pulled me into a hug. I cried. A lot. And then some. It was only when I finally moved away from her for a little air that I realized that Georgia hadn't been the only one running after me. There, on the other side of the street, in front of the hotel, Tae and Namjoon stood and just looked over to us, clearly unsure what to do. I turned away, cursing, rubbing my face.
Georgia was patient, but when she touched my arm she almost shrieked. "Ollie, you are ice cold. Let me get you inside." I shook my head, I was so embarrassed, didn't want to face anyone, but eventually she just basically pushed me over the street and past the two guys. I never looked up, not until we were in the elevator and soon I was lying on my bed, having pushed the messy sheets to the side. Georgia and I weren't close friends. She was a colleague I really liked but up until now, that had been it. And still, she stayed, asking me from time to time if I needed anything, forced me to drink some water and I only realized that she was gone when I woke up the next morning, apparently having cried myself to sleep.
For a few glorious seconds, I didn't remember. I realized my body was aching and hurting before I was awake enough to remember why. And then I started crying again. It was 9 AM and they had just let me sleep. There was a note on the inside of my door that I should stay in today, they would work it out without me. I panicked for a second and then realized that there was just no way I would be able to film anything today. So I went back to bed, but when I couldn't fall asleep I took a shower. Showers had always made everything a little better, no matter how sick I felt, but with this, it hardly helped. I turned my phone on an hour later and so many messages and missed calls popped up that I turned it off again.
So I just sat there, not crying anymore but also not doing anything else. Around 4 PM there was a knock on my door. Georgia popped her head in before entering. It took me a second to realize that Jin was now also standing in my room and I just looked at Georgia. "I really don't want to see anyone..." "No, I know. But Jin said he wanted to call your best friend when he heard you were so sad. I didn't tell them anything, but he said you really had to talk to her and when she found out she wouldn't let him get off the phone until he brought it to you."
I looked over at Jin and he tried to smile at me, then brought the phone to me and I grabbed it, while he lifted his hand as if he wanted to pat my head, but then Georgia pulled him out of my room with her. "Hey." I said and then I started crying again, after having thought that I couldn't anymore for hours. "What happened?" She asked calmly. But I couldn't speak. I had never been good at talking about my feelings, especially when I was upset. "Look. Jin got so upset after Namjoon told him how hard you were crying last night. WHAT. HAPPENED?" So I tried to tell her, at some point even getting the hiccups while crying. "I am going to kill that guy." Lauren said after a while.
The truth was that she couldn't help me, not really. But she stayed on the phone with me and at some point, she helped me make a plan. Making a plan in itself was crazy and way too early of course, but it helped me calm down. I would sleep. I would get up tomorrow. I would work. I would go back to sleep right after I got done. I would get through the tour because it was just too important to me. I would not talk to him. I would not let him explain. She would call him to tell him to fuck off until tour was over. To be out of the apartment by the time I got back. And then we could talk. And then I could break down. But only then.
"I love you, Ollie, this is really shit. It's one of these things that will be just really shit for a while. But then it will get better. I promise." Of course, she couldn't promise me anything. But I was so desperate that I just decided to trust her. Lauren never told me that she loved me, even though I knew that she did. She also never broke her promises.
And so I did what we had said I would do. I slept. I got up. I showered. I put on clothes. I went down to breakfast. And I felt horrible, but I was also just really hungry because I had hardly eaten the day before. People got super quiet once I entered the room, I tried to not look down at my feed, but smile, hoping they would understand I knew that things were super awkward. Georgia tried to keep a conversation going at our table. I didn't have to take part in it, but just knowing there was no awkward silence was good. I ate and had a coffee and went into makeup, asking for waterproof mascara.
I couldn't cry anymore anyways, but my face was so puffy that the makeup artists used a lot more concealer and highlighter than she usually did. When I looked in the mirror I felt a little better. This was not my actual face, it was my face with a lot of professional makeup on it, still, I felt better. I put on my sunglasses and we left for the airport.
As I looked across rolling fields of yellow flowers outside the window that were so beautiful it looked almost unreal I caught myself wanting to call Micky. Not because I wanted to talk to him about what had happened... but because all of this was so surreal that I wanted to talk to him about how sad I was. To my boyfriend, to my Micky. It didn't make any sense but for a second it almost felt as if there were two people. The guy who had cheated on my and the guy whose shoulder I wanted to cry on. When I realized how messed up my head was I actually let out a little frustrated scream, which of course had everyone look at me. When I realized I rubbed my forehead for a second, before finally talking to the group for the first time. "Sorry. I am... just SO ANGRY." My voice had gotten louder, but it just felt too good all of the sudden.
I was sad, yes, but also incredibly angry. "Good, let it out, girl." one of the cameramen said and I stared at him for a second and then just screamed again. And moments later Tae had switched seats and was now sitting next to me and he screamed and then I screamed again and then Georgia screamed. And then the whole bus was screaming. For a good ten seconds and even though when it was over they laughed and I laughed, I also felt sad again. But it was the first time I also felt like I could actually breathe normally again. Georgia held my hand when our flight to Finland took off. She held my hand even though I was about to tell her that she really didn't need to do that and I wasn't scared of flying. But instead, I squeezed it and then fell asleep minutes after we were in the air.
Even though it was summer, Finland was Finland and Helsinki greeted us with cloudy 12 degrees Celsius. I hated it. Ever since I had gotten off the phone with Micky I had felt like I was freezing, missing the sun in Spain and France. I stood outside our bus because somehow there had been a mixup with our luggage and we had to wait. The private parking lot meant relative privacy but still, most of the people were hiding inside the bus because it was so cold.
But I had to make some calls to the studio and didn't want everyone to listen in. I couldn't get the person I wanted to talk to on the phone when Hobi stepped out of the bus and without a word he just took my hands in his when he noticed the frustration on my face and just said: "More screaming. You need more screaming." And then we screamed some more.
When I got back on the bus almost all seats were taken and I sat down next to Namjoon, which I had actively tried to not do ever since we had left London. He smiled at me through tired eyes, sat straight and I was sure that he would just stay silent, but suddenly started talking. "I know you don't want me to ask you that, but: Are you okay?"
I looked over at him and there was this studying expression in his eyes again. He did look concerned. "No." I admitted and then sighed while sinking in the seat behind me. "But... don't worry, I am not about to break down or anything." He nodded. "You talked to Lauren?" Now I nodded. "Can she help?" I sighed. "No, nobody can help. Unless you want to hire someone to spraypaint Micky's car."
It wasn't a real explanation what had upset me so much, but I realized that they probably all thought someone had died or something like that. So why not spill the beans. Namjoon was quiet for a while, then hissed a "We could arrange that. We have the money." through his teeth. I chuckled and he smiled. "Please don't. It's a nice car. I want to do it myself." Namjoon smiled wider and then looked outside. I went back to my phone. And finally, our luggage was brought to the car and off we went to Helsinki.