Chapter 2: Kindred Spirits
Toph sits at the long, ornate banquet table, her arms crossed over her chest and a scowl etched on her face. It's bad enough that she doesn't want to be here in the first place, but the fact that the music of Ba Sing Se is dull and that this is an alcohol-free event puts a damper on her already pretty foul mood. She sits alone (small blessings) nursing her water as her feet take in the world around her.
The ballroom is as grand as one would expect for a palace, though it makes no difference to Toph, and it's hard not to resent the overwhelming presence of aristocrats adding to the pomp and circumstance of it all. Even in the crowded room, she can sense King Kuei and his new bride slow dancing in the middle of the floor, Bosco not far behind.
Another year, another fucking wedding.
She senses Aang and Katara, clearly exasperated as they try to manage their rambunctious five-year-old, though they seem in good spirits nonetheless. Some of her officers were invited as well, and they all huddle together in exuberance, enjoying the rare opportunity to take off from work (and the opportunity to flirt with some Kyoshi Warriors, while they're at it). Toph's own parents are somewhere in the mix, though if she's being honest, it's harder to pick out their posh footsteps amongst the rest of the high-society crowd. If she could pick them out, she might even be glad to find them getting along so well. They had separated for a while after Toph ran away all those years ago, and while they only recently reconciled, they seem happier together than ever. So, at least there's that.
All around them, couples dance and kiss and sway to the music, a touch of romance amongst the otherwise very formal, political affair.
Toph blows a stray hair from her face. Spirits, she wishes she could be literally anywhere else right now. She tries to avoid it, but she can't help sensing Sokka and Suki slow dancing nearby. She can feel it as Sokka whispers something into his girlfriend's ear, and she senses the way Suki's heart flutters in response. Toph rolls her eyes. Ugh, I don't want to know.
Of course, she's only here out of obligation. As a close friend of the Avatar, a less close, but still technical friend of the Earth King, a war hero, inventor of metalbending, Chief of Police, and a Beifong, there was no way to get out of going. Whether it be to show her support for her friend, her family crest, or her kingdom, one way or another, she had to be here. To not be here would be read as some sort of statement, and while Toph doesn't necessarily care which aristocrat or politician she offends, she's learned over the years that some bridges just aren't worth burning. Though, if it were up to her, Toph would much rather have ditched the king's wedding and be back at work in Republic City.
And that's saying something. Theft, and even violent crime rates have been on the rise lately, and work has been stressful, to say the least.
The decision to quit teaching at her academy to start a police force of all things had been a hard one to make, but a necessary one. When Aang asked her to be Republic City's Chief of Police... well, Toph knew it wasn't really a question. There was only one person fit to lead a task force of metalbenders, and everyone knew that person was her. Plus, despite her best efforts to remain indifferent to the Avatar's diplomacy, again, she had felt a bit obligated. Not just to Aang, the Avatar, but to Aang, her friend. And somewhat surprisingly, she felt obligated to her people and her city too. Who better to protect them than The Greatest Earthbender of all time, right?
If you would have told her back when she was The Blind Bandit that she'd grow up to be the head of a police force, she'd never believe you (she'd also probably make you eat dirt, but you get the point). But, surprising even to her, Toph has found that she rather likes the job. Most of the time, anyway. It's at times more bureaucratic than she'd like, but at least it gives her a sense of purpose, and it's nice to see her metalbending used in a practical sense and in a way that actually helps people. Plus, she still gets to boss people around every day, and occasionally bust some heads. It's not so bad.
Still, there are times when she really misses teaching, especially now when she actually needs people to learn. Metalbending is still a relatively new art, and fresh recruits haven't been picking it up as fast as she'd like. They'd get it quicker if she could teach them instead of her former students, but there's just not enough hours in the day anymore. At any rate, it's created a deficit between the high amount of crime activity and the number of officers available to fight it.
It's been hard to manage, and as much as she likes her job, she could use a vacation. A real one though, not just another obligatory wedding in Ba Sing Fucking Se, of all places. At least if she were working right now, she might be able to punch something. Ugh. Is it weird to wish for some sort of work emergency right now?
She stews in her mood for a while as she fiddles absentmindedly with her space bracelet, but it's not long before she senses a friend approaching. Toph let's a long, exasperated sigh cross her lips before Zuko sits down next to her, wordlessly. It's not that she doesn't want to be around him exactly. If she can tolerate anyone right now, it's Zuko, considering what they have in common. Still, she's in no mood to make friendly conversation. Zuko must sense this, or perhaps feel the same, as he remains quiet. They sit in silence, letting it stretch on endlessly as the room continues to dance around them, blissfully unaware of their sullen moods.
As much as she doesn't want to talk, the silence is neither companionable nor comfortable, and Toph finds it increasingly hard to tolerate. Eventually, she decides she's had enough, and breaks it with a delayed greeting, "Hey, Zuko."
Zuko raises a brow, his tone teetering on the edge of teasing and irritation, "What, no 'Firelord Hothead'? No 'Sparky'? You must really be in a bad mood."
Toph puffs another stray hair from her face. Damn bangs. "Whatever. Look who's talking," she says, accusingly. Zuko merely shrugs in response as more silence ensues. A server comes by to refill her glass of water, and Toph is once again reminded of the 'zero-tolerance' alcohol-policy, and how much it irritates her. She could really use a drink right about now.
"Listen," Zuko starts after a while, "I think you know that our friends are worried about you. And-"
"Ugh, seriously Zuko," she interrupts, with an irritated growl, "I do not want to hear it."
"Hang on! Let me finish," he insists, undeterred by her attitude. "I know they're worried about you and probably keep implying that you need some sort of cosmic intervention or something. But I'm not here to lecture you. I just wanted to say, I know what you're going through. It sucks."
Admittedly, Toph is surprised by his words, or lack thereof. Everyone else has been walking on eggshells around her these days, afraid she'll break or something stupid like that. It's not that she doesn't appreciate her friends looking out for her, but the coddling tones and looks of pity she feels from them lately have made her want to scream. Can't they just let her be upset and hate the world for a while and leave her be!? Ugh!
"Good." She dismisses, gnawing idly at a fingernail.
But Zuko continues, "Look. None of the others have gone through a breakup. Not like you or I have. They think it's easy to move on and forget, but you and I both know that's not the case."
Reluctantly, a hint of gratitude breaks through Toph's scowl, her otherwise stiff shoulders relaxing just an inch. She feels so drained from constantly being angry, sad, and stressed out lately. If she's being honest, it's nice not to have someone berate her feelings for once, but simply show that they understand what she is experiencing.
"Thanks, Zuko. I appreciate it." Somewhat regretfully, she adds, "And hey…who am I to complain? You were with Mai a lot longer than I was with Satoru."
"I guess." Zuko considers, remaining stoic, "But you were together six years - that's still a pretty long time. Regardless, it doesn't really matter how much time you spend with a person. It hurts just the same, if you ask me."
Toph shrugs in return, not sure if she wants to continue harping on it, even if Zuko does understand her struggles.
More to himself, Zuko whispers, "It hurts letting go of something you love." His eyes land on a woman in the crowd, but unbeknownst to Toph, it's not Mai.
Finally, Toph breaks, the franticness of her voice startling the both of them, "That's the thing! I've felt awful since the breakup, and you want to know why? Not because it hurt to let him go. No, it's because I feel so damn guilty about it, because it didn't hurt! In fact, it was such a fucking relief!"
Toph's breathing is heavy as she finally admits what's really been weighing on her these past several weeks. People keep assuming that she's heartbroken, and maybe a part of her is. Her relationship with Satoru had ended rather abruptly, and despite Toph being the one to initiate it, and being relieved to do so, she's found it harder to adjust to her newfound single status than she thought it'd be.
Six years is a long time. Long enough to get used to living with someone, to waking up next to them every day, to kissing them when you leave for work in the morning and again when you come home for dinner.
Her friends were pretty surprised to hear about the breakup, which hasn't helped with her guilt. On the outside, her relationship with Satoru had been a good one. He was kind to her, often put her up on a pedestal and made her feel good about herself. They got along well, never really argued, had a pretty good sex life, and, for all intents and purposes, they were building a life together. He was the first person to see her in that way. Her first kiss, her first more than a kiss, and there's no doubt about it that he certainly loved her.
And she loved him back. She did. Just... maybe not as much as she should have.
Toph could sense that Satoru was perhaps a bit more invested in the relationship than she was. Rightfully so, after six years together. But as much as she tried to return the sentiment, it always felt like something was missing. Toph never really thought about building a life with anyone, really. But six years passed, and suddenly she and Satoru weren't just teenagers enjoying young, innocent and uncomplicated love anymore. They were adults, and more and more, 'adult' topics like 'marriage' and 'family' started coming up in their conversations, and more and more, Toph became increasingly aware that those were not things she was ready for. She wasn't sure she'd ever be ready for those things, or if she'd ever want to be.
But it was clear that Satoru very much did want those things, and he wanted those things with her. Toph may not have loved him as much as he loved her, but she loved him enough to know he deserved better than the life she could give him.
That doesn't make waking up to an empty space in the bed any easier though.
So yeah, maybe she is a little heartbroken. But mostly, it just feels like she's wasted the past six years of her life with the wrong person, and she's wasted his time too.
And now she's alone again.
Zuko, perplexed, "But, isn't relief a good thing? I mean, a sign that it was time to move on?"
"Yeah, it was time to move on, a long time ago." Toph slumps in her seat, regret clawing its way into her chest, "We just wanted different things, I guess. Deep down, I think I always knew that, but I didn't break up with him. I strung him along for years because I was too much of a coward to end it."
"What? You? A coward? Why?" Zuko asks, more than surprised to hear Toph call herself out like that. That's certainly something he never thought he'd hear, much less from the ostrich-horse's own mouth.
"Because," Toph's voice becomes quiet again, her face growing red and pained as she admits, "I didn't want to be alone."
Zuko takes a moment to consider Toph's confession, surprised that she's being so open with him, but not surprised that she seems so disgruntled about it. Toph isn't exactly known for her sentimentality. Then again, if anyone can understand emotional constipation, it's Zuko.
"Look, I get it. Sometimes it's easier to be unhappy and with someone than risk being unhappy and alone."
Toph's arms fly out in an exaggerated fashion, "Exactly!"
"Plus, it doesn't help when you have feelings for someone else." Zuko says, pointedly, "Especially when that person is already taken."
Toph pauses, her eyes widening at his insinuation. Did he just? "What? What's that supposed to mean?"
Zuko lifts a sly brow towards his friend, even though she can't see it, "What, don't you have a thing for Sokka?"
A ferocious blush creeps itself onto Toph's face and she smacks out a hand to cover Zuko's mouth, finding it with surprising accuracy, "Shhh, would you quiet down!" Not that he was being loud enough for anyone to hear over the music, even the dull music of Ba Sing Se. Reluctantly, she takes her hand away, "You don't know what you're talking about! Besides, if I have a thing for Sokka, then you most definitely have a thing for Suki."
Surprisingly, Zuko doesn't argue. Instead, with a dejected sigh, "I know."
She was already aware of this, given she's always had a knack for reading people's emotions (that, and frankly Zuko's just not very good at hiding it), but she hadn't expected him to admit it.
"I know that I shouldn't," Zuko says, his voice choked with remorse, "And I feel guilty about it. But you're right. It's part of the reason why Mai and I broke up. I never wanted to hurt her - spirits know I had already put Mai through enough.
"So, I did what I thought was the honorable thing and tried to forget what I felt for Suki and focus on my relationship with Mai. But…it wasn't fair of me to string her along when I had feelings for someone else. It's also how I could see that you have feelings for Sokka. I don't think the others pick up on it – you're pretty good at hiding it. But, I recognized the same thing in you that I see in myself. My uncle would say we're kindred spirits…or whatever."
Toph takes a second to calm her racing heart, feeling only slightly relieved to hear that only Zuko has picked up on her (very unwelcome) feelings for her best friend.
Of course, she'd had a crush on Sokka back in the day. Back when they were just kids trying to save the world and she was only a budding tween who had never even had a real friend before. But then he loved Suki, and Toph moved on, grew up, and fell in love with Satoru, leaving her adolescent crush on Sokka to the wayside. And she had loved Satoru... for a while anyway.
But, while the limerence for her first love fizzled out, her feelings for Sokka had snuck up on her until it wasn't just some innocent little tween crush anymore.
No. These were the type of feelings that one develops for someone after years of shared experiences, years of supporting one another, of making each other laugh and wanting what's best for each other. The kind of feelings when you become true, best friends with someone… buuut you also kind of want to rip their clothes off.
Not that she would ever admit that to Sokka. As attracted to him as she is, their friendship is far more important, too important for her to risk. Well... that. Plus, he's not exactly single.
"Look, it doesn't matter if - and I'm saying if - I have feelings for Sokka. He is clearly very happy with Suki, has been for years. What kind of person - no, what kind of friend would I be if I tried to get in the way of that?"
This isn't entirely true, as both Toph and Zuko are aware.
Sure enough, Toph gets another sense of Sokka and Suki out on the dance floor, and Toph isn't all that surprised to find them no longer actually dancing. Instead, between them, Toph senses nothing but tense shoulders, crossed arms, and exasperated movements. Even though she can't hear them, Toph feels a little bad spying on their argument. Then again, they don't seem to be making much of an effort to hide it.
The past few years haven't exactly been easy on Sokka and Suki's relationship. Long distance only remains steamy and romantic for so long before the novelty wears off, and while Sokka claims to understand why Suki needs to stay in the Fire Nation with the Kyoshi Warriors and the Firelord's guard, he's only human, and his understanding only goes so far. He does his best to be a supportive boyfriend, but Toph knows that a part of him resents Suki for not putting the same amount of effort into the relationship that he does. She hardly ever comes to Republic City unless it's work related, and it's usually Sokka who schedules time to visit her.
On the other hand, Toph knows that Suki finds Sokka's frequent visits and letters to be bordering on needy. While duty compels her to stay in the Fire Nation, a bigger part of her actually wants to stay simply because she likes it. Sokka's constant coming and going only serves as a reminder of her guilt and makes her feel pressured to make a choice that she's not ready - and doesn't want - to make. Toph can at least empathize with that one. Plus, there's the unspoken 'Zuko' of it all. Not that Suki has ever acted on, or even expressed having feelings for Zuko. Still, whenever the three of them are in a room together, something just doesn't quite sit right.
Toph huffs, "Besides, even if he were single, it's not like he would be interested in me."
Zuko shoots an incredulous look in her direction, but doesn't point out how he very much believes that Sokka does have feelings for Toph.
He doesn't see his friends very often, as they all live in Republic City while he's stuck in the Fire Nation most of the time, but even after only seeing his friends on diplomatic trips or on special occasions, Zuko has definitely noticed a subtle change in how Sokka treats Toph over the past few years. But, is he surprised that Toph hasn't picked up on it?
Perhaps not. He doesn't fully understand how Toph's seismic sense works, but he's pretty sure that she can't pick up on Sokka's lingering stares. Or the way that he always looks specifically at Toph whenever he cracks a joke, like it's her reaction that matters most. Then again, can't Toph pick up on heart rates? Zuko might be a little more invested in Sokka's feelings for Toph than others would be, given the implications it would have on his relationship with Suki, but surely if he can pick up on Sokka's feelings, then Toph must have some inclination. She's always been pretty adept at reading people. If she can't pick up on Sokka's feelings, it's because she doesn't want to.
Still, Zuko keeps these thoughts to himself.
Because at the end of the day, what good would telling her do? Toph is right. Sokka is with Suki, and even though the pair have had their problems over the years, Zuko doesn't imagine them breaking up anytime soon – if ever. Giving Toph hope that Sokka could return her feelings would only hurt her more in the long run.
He scans the room until his eyes find Sokka and Suki amongst the crowd. They don't seem so happy now, seemingly engaged in some sort of quarrel. He watches as Sokka turns his back and stomps away, his steps angry and resolute. Suki stands rooted in place for a moment, a mix of thought and frustration on her face. She seems to be mulling something over, unaware of Zuko's gaze on her from across the room. For a moment, Zuko wonders what Suki will do, if she'll surprise him by letting Sokka go without a fight. But, it ultimately comes as no surprise at all when she shoots off in Sokka's direction, chasing after him.
Sokka and Suki may have had their problems over the years, may continue to have problems, but damn if they're not commited.
Zuko looks back at Toph and sees the pain of unrequited love, reflected in her eyes like a mirror facing back at him. It's a pain he knows well.
"I think we both need to move on," he admits, his tone resigned.
Toph sighs as she props her elbow up on the table, resting her chin in the palm of her hand, "Yeah, Sparkles. I think so too."
As much as it would usually annoy him, he can't help but smile at the nickname. At least maybe he helped Toph feel a little better. She's even smiling now, and Zuko takes a moment to appreciate how bright it looks.
"You look really nice tonight, by the way." Zuko says, genuinely.
Toph's smile falters, replaced by a somewhat bashful grimace, though Zuko's not sure if it's because she's not used to compliments or just not used to being out of uniform. She tugs at her dress - a traditional, formal hanfu of emerald green and gold. It's not any different from what the rest of the aristocrats are wearing tonight, but Zuko thinks Toph stands out anyway. It wouldn't be at all surprising, he decides, if Sokka does have feelings for her. She really is quite beautiful.
"I'd return the compliment," Toph says, after a beat, "But you know." She waves a hand in front of her eyes for effect.
Zuko releases a short laugh, feeling more amused than he has in a long time. The two remain in companionable silence for a while, sipping their non-alcoholic drinks, when Zuko suddenly gets an idea.
"Hey, are you free next week? I have to go to Republic City for some fancy dinner event that the council representative is hosting. I was going to go alone… but I could use the company."
Toph sits up, a teasing brow raised as she crosses her arms, "Firelord Hotpants, are you asking me out?"
Zuko blinks, unable to keep the blush from his cheeks. He pouts, suddenly embarrassed for suggesting it, "Forget it. Sorry I asked."
Undeterred, Toph asks, "Will there be alcohol?"
"Probably."
"Hmm," Toph makes a show of tapping her chin, thoughtfully, "Okay. I'm in."
Zuko perks up, "Really?"
Toph shrugs, indifferently, "What can I say, you Fire Nation folk have the best booze."
She punches his shoulder, instinctually, and Zuko smiles, feeling grateful to have a friend like her at the moment. They may both be miserable right now, but at least they'll have company.