After we left Helsinki we went up north. I had gotten used to the Bon Voyage atmosphere of the trip but this particular middle of nowhere was really next level to what we had done so far. We filmed the boys visiting museums, play with huskies and played up to other stereotypes. And then had a whole day scheduled for interviews. Looking back at the trip, the last two years and basically their whole career. This honestly had been the part of the whole shoot that had made me most nervous because it was hard to foresee whether they were actually up to share. Of course, there had been a long list of no go topics sent to us by BigHit weeks ago, but there was still enough to talk about. I started with Hobi, then Tae and after that, I had gotten into it and actually ended up enjoying myself. Jimin was up next and we both ended up crying during the interview, but that only showed how important this all was to him. The interview with Jin was more lighthearted, Kookie was nervous, Yoongi carefully thought about his words before answering and Namjoon was his professional self, all smiles and charming and that was a bit awkward for me at first but as soon as we got into it, the interview almost felt like an actual conversation. I asked him things that I had been curious about the whole time we had been on the trip but didn't want to ask and I think he knew that, his grin at least seemed like it.

"So were there moments when you thought to just not come back? You all lived very different lives over the last two years." I finally asked. Namjoon was quiet for a second. "I think we all had doubts, everyone probably at different times. Maybe, if it had happened at the same time this wouldn't have worked anymore but I feel like if we try we have to try now. And at the moment it definitely feels like the right decision. This trip so far has only confirmed that we weren't a group just because it had happened like that. We have grown up together, I missed them, as much as they annoy me sometimes. So if I had told Namjoon from years ago that this trip would happen like that he probably wouldn't have believed it, but it was the right thing to do. I am excited for more." I couldn't help and just stared at him, while he looked me in the eyes as well. He clearly was talking about the band, nothing else and still I felt my breath getting shallow for a few seconds. Because it somehow also felt like he was talking about something else, me really. But he wasn't. Then again... his stare was so intense and for a second I enjoyed it. Seconds later I wanted to punch myself in the face. Why was I thinking about the treehouse all of the sudden, I really should have had different things on my mind than thinking about him.

We finished the interview and afterwards I was just exhausted. It had been almost five hours of non-stop questioning them for me so I went back to our hotel to take a nap and for the first time in days, I slept well.

"I think I am ready to get drunk." I told Georgia over dinner and she just looked at me, I could almost see her debating whether to tell me that this was a bad idea, then she nodded. "Elaborate." "I feel like it. It will probably end up with me crying in a corner but then again... that would probably happen one of these days anyways so why not enjoy the buzz first." She laughed, nodded again and then said that that made sense in a weird way. She joined me, which I really appreciated but also felt a little bad about at first. There was a lot of wine with dinner. And then more at the hotel. And then shots. I didn't even notice when people were laughing because I was acting like a fool, but I was having fun and somehow the little gathering in the lobby ended up in a dance party when someone realized the hotel had a very old DJ set in a room because they also sometimes did small business events. It wasn't classy, but fun. Both staff and Bangtan members took turns with playing music and there was a weird mix between 90s & 2000s music from Europe, the US and Korea. Thanks to my nap and vodka energy I was still having a blast around 3 AM and then someone played a song that reminded me of Micky and my mood dropped so dramatically that I went outside for a breather. I hid at the now empty breakfast bar holding back tears. Jungkook eventually found me when he was on his way to the bathroom and by the way he reacted I could tell that he was just as drunk as I was.

"Ollliiiee..." he slurred and pulled me into a hug before I could even think about how to react but it was nice. There were no words needed. I cried some more but then also had to laugh because in his drunk state of mind he had started dancing to the slow song that was playing now, even though we were still hugging. He couldn't know, even I couldn't really explain it but for some reason, he was doing everything right to calm my hurting heart.

"I want you to be happy." he said, whispering in my ear before he hid his face in my hair and I just leaned my head against his, closed my eyes. We were still dancing. He smelled really good. A bit boozy but also like some expensive cologne and hair product. I also realized that his hair felt soft, even though there was clearly a lot of hairspray in it. And then I realized that to notice that my hand must have somehow ended up in his hair. He let out a little growl while his nose was touching my cheek, which made me laugh. Next, our noses were touching and I tried to look into his eyes. "Happy?" he asked, still so very desperate to cheer me up. "Happy!" I replied, so quiet it was almost a whisper.

Had his hand always been on my back under the fabric of my shirt? When had I started to move a finger over his lower lip? How much time had passed? When he finally kissed me I was so ready for it that in retrospect it was hard to tell whether he had actually kissed me or maybe I had kissed him. I held on to his shoulders and while our mouths were moving together, we were stumbling around until my back bumped into the buffet table. The kiss turned into many kisses. Sloppy and warm and exciting. All that shyness that sometimes still made a reappearance was gone, soon his tongue was exploring my mouth and there were teeth and touches and my mind was way too slow to realize what was happening before it did. But it felt incredibly good and just... so right.

When we separated because we were out of breath he let out an "I knew it." between heavy breaths. I knew what he wanted to imply. He had seen me look at him that one night and had somehow figured out that I was incredibly attracted to him, even if I maybe didn't want to. I just hissed, which made him smile that stupid cheeky bunny smile, which only made me kiss him again and kiss him hard. Seconds later he had somehow moved his arms to my thighs and lifted me onto the table as if I was light as a feather. It really didn't help the situation, somehow that was really hot, which annoyed me even though I was so drunk. Eagerly I pulled him closer as if he needed an invitation. My hands were on his chest while we were making out, his hands were still on my thighs to hold me as close as possible. Right there and then, right that second, I wanted him.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me." Jungkook really had to start not making out with people where everyone could see him. For some reason that was my first thought when we parted all of the sudden, his hair a glorious mess, my cheeks more than flushed and we turned around. I could only stare at Namjoon, who was standing there, looking as if he was in shock. Immediately Kookie moved out from in between my legs and I slipped down the side of the table until my feet were on the ground again. For a few moments, the three of us just looked at each other.

And then Namjoon said something in Korean I didn't understand, but his tone sounded upset and Jungkook pressed his lips together and dropped his head. I could understand why it felt so very very wrong all of the sudden. As if we had done something terribly wrong, even though we hadn't really. "Just... maybe not in public?" Namjoon hissed in my direction and then left. While the two of us were standing there Kookie cursed and I tried to pull my shirt down and then held on to the table to steady myself.

"Shit." I finally murmured and then looked at him. Jungkook was still staring at the floor. I didn't know what to say, his shoulders dropping more and more. "I am a bad friend." He finally said and it almost broke my heart. "It was just a kiss." I tried to console him, even though we both knew that this was not where things would have ended if Namjoon hadn't shown up. "You are not... you are drunk." I tried to help but he shook his head. "I knew I shouldn't do it. But I wanted to." His words gave me chills and I tried to take a few deep breaths. "Yeah me too."

His hands were in my hair again all of a sudden, moving loose curls out of my face, I touched his hand to make him stop but then took way too long to drop it. "I should go." I finally said. He looked devastated but so did I probably. "Don't hate me Noona." I stopped moving, turned around and couldn't help but hug him. "Never. never never." I whispered into his mob of black hair. I shouldn't have, but I kissed his cheek, then his lips, he kissed me back and then I quickly made a step backwards. This could never happen again.

I don't know where he went, but I just went upstairs to my room where I could still feel Kookies lips on mine. And Namjoons eyes as well. And then I thought of Micky. And I hated myself for letting men getting the best of me like that. I hated myself for making out with Jungkook on a damn work trip. It was one thing for Georgia to do that, but I was her superior and I had a past with these guys and... shit. Georgia. "Nonono..." I murmured. Shit, what if she would be upset as well if she found out? I jumped onto the bed and hid under the covers, wondering when my life had turned into a dramatic tv show. I tried to tell myself what Lauren would say. How I was in a bad place and just wanted to be close to someone. How I didn't owe anything to Namjoon. How things would turn around eventually and this all would be no more than something like a weird holiday memory. But at the moment it was hard to believe. Also, I wondered whether Lauren would have actually said something like that... or would have rather told me that I was an idiot.

During breakfast the next morning Kookie couldn't look at me, maybe because we were sitting right next to the crime scene. Namjoon acknowledged my existence, but that was about it. Still, I sat down next to him. He didn't seem ecstatic about it but at least didn't tell me to move away. "I am sorry." I said quietly, one hand on my forehead because the hangover was bad. Really bad. "Not sure what for." "Come on. Don't do that." "You guys can do whatever you want and you know that." I sighed. "Please don't be mad at him, okay? He was super drunk and he looked heartbroken after, just... I think last night it could have been anybody, this was not about me."

Namjoon stopped eating, then looked up, studying me to see whether I was serious. "I don't think so." He finally replied. I thought about it for a second. "I do." "The whole Noona thing was always a joke, I know that. Doesn't mean that he didn't have a schoolboy crush on you." I sat there, closing my eyes for a second. "What?" "Look. Nothing serious. And... it went as fast as it came, basically as soon as the two of us..." He stopped himself but didn't have to finish. "And this was... basically wish fulfilment service to his younger self, which I get. And still, it was dick move of the two of you. I know I shouldn't say it. But it was." "I know. That's why I am trying to apologize." "Just... don't do it in front of me anymore." "No, it won't happen anymore at all. Period." "None of my business." He picked up his spoon again and pushed it into his mouth. "I am sorry?" I tried one last time and he shrugged his shoulders, swallowed and then let out a quiet but pretty emotionally charged "Not the first time you hurt me."

It felt like a slap to the face. Because there were so many implications. For one that he was hurt. Which I understood. Even though he had basically just told me he didn't care... one of his best friends had made out with a girl he had once... whatever. Seen. Liked. Fucked. I had given up on making sense of these definitions when it came to our time together a long time ago. But my mind focused more on the fact that I had hurt him AGAIN? Again?

"Excuse me?" My voice maybe wasn't loud but apparently, it was quite obvious that he had pissed me off because he looked up almost surprised. We stared at each other for a second. "Well... I was. I was super hurt back then?" he finally said, a little insecure, but maybe I only imagined it. "You? Were hurt? What the hell are you talking about?" He said up straight, our expressions almost the same. Disbelief. "Do I really have to tell you about how messed up that all was?" He finally said and I squinted my eyes. "You've got to be kidding me, Namjoon."

How were we talking about this now? After having ignored each other for years and then just not talking about it all tour. We were now sitting here over breakfast when really I had only come over to apologize for doing something dumb last night. Nobody said anything for a second. Then I could feel my blood boiling. "Well... excuse me for not thinking much about your feelings back then right after you had dumped me without even letting me know. I will remember to be more considerate of the next guy who treats me like shit. Maybe I should call Micky to tell him how sorry I am about not asking how he is feeling while he is breaking my heart." My words came out quick, more like hissing. I grabbed my plate and let him sit there. I was not going to fight with him now, but I also was over listening to his bullshit. I really didn't realize that he was right behind me until I stopped in front of the hotel to rage-eat my croissant in peace. He startled me when I turned around and I almost screamed. So Namjoon made a step back but still, his face looked super angry.

"So this is how you are spinning everything?" he said, his hands on his hips. Briefly, I considered throwing the croissant at his head. "Well, it's what happened, isn't it?" I said instead and I could hear him taking a deep breath. "No, it is absolutely not!" "You fucking tell me you are crazy about me and then drop me, ghost me and now you are saying what happened wasn't you just not giving two fucks?" "Well, you didn't seem to care much at the time? I was on the other side of the world, trying to somehow make this happen, turning everyone against me and then I see you having the time of your life on social media, hooking up with random guys." I should have listened. Should have heard what he was saying, what the real new information was, but I was really angry now. We had both not realized that we had gotten louder. "Hooking up with random guys because I was heartbroken. Because you had just disappeared and changed your number and actually, you know what? Kookie was the only one decent enough to even pick up. I was losing my mind, I was so sad I..." I stopped myself, breathing heavily when two half-alarmed, half-amused tourists were walking past up. Realizing it was probably not a good idea for us to argue on the open street I just pulled him back into the lobby.

We stood between two automatically opening doors, halfway in, halfway out, both angry. "I never wanted to ignore you, Ollie, I just needed some time to get things rolling but then I saw the pictures..." "Oh. The ones where I was partying because I was heartbroken or the ones with my brother?" He stared at me for a second, then closed his eyes. But I wasn't done. "Or the one with the sweatshirt? The one that ruined my life for... years. Really. Years. It still sometimes comes to haunt me. At least after that you could have talked to me. They screamed at me in the streets, Namjoon. We had to move. I was scared, really scared. And while all that happens you have just disappeared and..." I was breathing so hard, just stopped, turned around, got annoyed because the stupid doors just kept opening and closing. When I faced him again he was staring into the distance. "I was scared as well." he finally said and I shook my head. "Oh my god" I yelled out in frustration. "Why am I having this discussion? Why now? My head is about to explode, my boyfriend left me and I have a fucking job to do. You... this was years ago. You hurt me so much, but you know what? We never were official, I knew then and I know now that you didn't owe me anything. So whatever. Let's blame me and be done with it. I'd be happy to never talk about it again." "Ollie..." He tried to interrupt me. "No. Let's just get this tour done and then we get back to our real lives. Where people do messed up things like cheat on you with one of your best friends. But at least they don't disappear after the most wonderful week together as if it had all been a fever dream." I was so close to crying, I almost couldn't finish the sentence but eventually did. Namjoon was just staring at me with his eyes wide open. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut but now it was too late.

"Ollie, you don't know what you are saying. I was... so in love with you..." Now my mouth was open. Because nothing made sense anymore. Surely there were parts of the story that I had changed in my head over time to make him the villain but the bare facts were doing a good job at doing that already anyway. "Well fuck, I was in love with you, too, but for some reason that meant I wanted to be with you and not break up all contact."

My heart was about to explode. Weirdly enough letting it all out felt great. I could finally tell him all the things I had wanted to throw at him all those years ago when I couldn't and at the same time it was horrible because even know I realized that clearly there had been some sort of huge miscommunication. Which I really didn't understand but it was there. "Well great." he echoed my tone of voice which made me angry again and I groaned. "Great" And then we both went back into the lobby and then our separate ways without another word.

I was talking to Lauren while throwing things into my suitcase. "The only thing I am sure about is that you are losing your marbles." She said after being quiet for a second once I had told her what had happened. "Really? That's what you are telling me right now?" "Why the fuck would you make out with JK? He is a toddler." "He is not a toddler. He is actually... argh, he is ridiculously hot. But I would have never done it if I hadn't been drinking, okay? Whatever. This is not my biggest concern anymore actually. Not that I want to pride myself on all the things going wrong in my life, but that... actually why the hell should I not. He smells great and I am pretty sure he would have rocked my world last night if Joon hadn't gotten in the way." "Joon..." Lauren said calmly to not let me forget that his nickname had just slipped out of my mouth. I screamed in anger. "Don't focus on me saying dumb shit. Focus on the dumb shit I am doing." "Okay, okay. Calm down then. I have a teething baby here and to be honest, this all sounds like high school shit to me. The Micky thing is horrible and I still kind of want him to lose all his money and friends and pretty designer suits. But... that doesn't mean I think you should go around and kiss little boys..." "He is 27!" "...or scream at Namjoon because... that was years ago, no good will come of it." I sat down like a little child that had been scolded by their favourite teacher. "Are you done screaming then?" She asked and I sighed in response. "Sorry, yeah. I didn't mean it." "It's fine. I'd rather you scream at me than Namjoon." "Yeah. I really shouldn't." "Do we need another plan for this situation?" "No, I will behave. We'll be done in less than a week anyways." "Ollie?" "Yeah?" "There is one thing I don't understand. What did Namjoon mean when he was talking about how he had been trying to take care of things in Korea while you were out partying?" I pouted. Clearly, I had remembered what he had said, otherwise I wouldn't have told her. But she was right to be confused about the statement. Because I also had no idea what it was supposed to mean.