Before we went back to the UK, there was a quick stop in the Netherlands, but time was passing so quickly now, I hardly knew where my head was. As scheduled we didn't fly to London, but took a ferry from Calais, after a pretty long bus ride. While we had been on the road summer had passed, it was September now and when we were filming the boys being all chaotic on the deck, the wind was so cold that afterwards, we hid back inside. I watched our cameraman apparently having the time of his life filming Jimin taking a nap on a bench while Hobi was placing basically everything he could find on him and it made me smile.
The ferry ride was almost 2 hours long and after I had warmed up I went outside for a smoke. Lighting my cigarette wasn't easy because of the wind, but eventually, I managed and stood there, cold, but amazed by the view. "I never understood why you don't just quit." I suddenly heard a voice next to me and when I turned around there was Namjoon. His hands deep in the pockets of what looked like a winter coat and his beanie so deep in his face it was hiding his eyebrows. I looked at him for a second, took a drag and then shrugged. "Me neither. I have tried to be honest. And I do smoke a lot less than I used to in college, but... never quiet shook the habit." "The last time I smoked I was 14 and I remember hating it." He said and now we were both looking out at the water when suddenly his hand appeared in my field of vision. Open. Waiting for me to hand him my cig. "Seriously?" He rolled his eyes and then nodded. "I just want to get it. And then I will keep hating it." I hesitated for a second, looking around whether someone was watching, but our whole group was inside. "Don't send Bang for me..." I murmured and then gave it to him.
Watching him taking a drag was weird because it looked super wrong on him but I think he tried to look as if it wasn't a big deal. But then he started coughing so hard, that I smirked, took the cigarette out of his hand and was gently patting his back. "Yeah, still hate it, why, Ollie, why?" "I don't know." I said chuckling and took another drag. Suddenly it really didn't taste that great anymore so I sighed and flicked it into an ashtray on the table next to us.
"I am sorry..." I suddenly said and closed my eyes for a second before looking up at Namjoon. "About the other day. That was dumb." Namjoon nodded. "Yeah, I am sorry as well. That is actually why I came over here. It wasn't the time or place but suddenly everything just..." He didn't finish and still, I nodded knowingly. Things that probably should have been said a long time ago had finally been said, he didn't need to tell me that. "I do have a question though and maybe I shouldn't ask because... it doesn't matter now and it will lead to more questions but... you said you were trying to make things happen after we came back from North Carolina. What did you mean by that?" I saw Namjoons tongue glide over his lower lip, clearly, he felt uncomfortable, but so did I. "Well..." he started before pausing again and then clearing his throat. "After I got back to Seoul I asked for a meeting with BigHit to... talk to them about what to do. By then they all had figured it out anyway but I knew I needed to openly talk about it if..." He paused again. "For it to basically have a future." I stared at the ocean. The wind was going strong and the waves looked almost as gloomy as the sky, making it a fitting welcome back to England. I couldn't believe I was hearing what I was hearing. Because I had kind of guessed what he had meant, but I needed him to say it for it to be real. When I didn't respond he apparently felt the need to elaborate. "So I had a meeting with them and then another and... things got loud and there were a lot of discussions. I also didn't want to make any decision by myself because it definitely would have affected the others as well..." I nodded slowly, heard blood rushing in my head. "And why didn't you talk to me about it? Or at all?" Namjoon sighed. "I didn't want to get your hopes up. Or mine for that matter. I wanted to get things straight and after I had ignored you for a while because I didn't know what to say it only got harder."
A part of me wanted to desperately know how the talks with BigHit had gone, what the result had been, but I knew it would only hurt me either way. "Okay... then why did you change your number?" "My phone had been hacked, that's how they got my flight info. And then... I saw those pictures of you and figured... maybe we weren't on the same page." I closed my eyes for a second, again the strong urge to light a cigarette. Or have a shot of whiskey maybe. There it was. The truth. It honestly didn't make any sense to ME why he hadn't talked to me, why he had ignored me. I still had tons of questions. But it had made sense to HIM. Maybe we had both made mistakes.
For a while, we just stood there. And then it was Namjoon who started speaking again. "Ollie, I am sorry. It made sense at the time. After you started crying on that last night I felt like I had been holding my breath until I got out of the plane in Seoul basically. I was scared to make mistakes because there was so much on the line and we had been so super careful about these things for years and years and..." I turned around, putting my hand on his shoulder and stroked it a little. "It's okay. It's fine. I just... needed to finally know." He looked down at me, then my hand. I counted to three then let go of him, even though I didn't really want to.
"I have a question as well..." He said after a moment. "And if you don't want to tell me that is fine, but... what the hell happened with Micky?" I took a deep breath and then told him. When we got back inside ten minutes later we were both freezing and were about to arrive in Dover. There was this weird humming sound in my head and I just couldn't figure out whether I was happy to finally have put puzzle pieces together... or the opposite. There was no big dramatic answer to the questions I had had. Just two people who had liked each other but apparently hadn't known each other well enough to understand the other.
We had two more days to turn the hours and hours of footage into the first episode of our little show. Editors in London had basically started with it once we had sent them the footage every night, but we still had to do the final cut. But that had to have time until the next day, I just wanted to go home, dreading it at the same time because I knew what expected me there. "Home" was now an apartment with a half-empty wardrobe, full of memories I couldn't deal with right now and a bed way too big for only one person. So as soon as I had walked through the door I showered, changed and went to bed, tried to not look at anything. I didn't get emotional, just felt weirdly numb. Luckily I only saw Micky's letter on the kitchen table when I made coffee the next morning.
His words were beautiful. Somewhat heartbreaking. I had to remind myself of what he had done, otherwise, I would have actually felt bad for him. He told me to call him, he wanted to talk. I knew that in the long run that had to happen, we had to talk about some things, but to me, there was no question about where it would end. Him moving out properly and then me probably giving up the apartment because it was way too expensive for just myself. I also wanted to leave. Everything here reminded me of Micky and I hated it. No wonder I fled to the studio way before I had to be there.
The next two days were incredibly hectic and I basically didn't see anyone who wasn't on the documentary team. Micky called, he knew I was back in town, but I couldn't deal with him right now. By the time the day of the show rolled around I was so incredibly tired that I fell asleep on a couch in the break room waiting to get into makeup. I woke up from people shuffling through the room, when I opened my eyes Jin was sitting on the floor in front of the couch, grinning at me.
"Nooo..." I murmured, closing my eyes again and he just laughed. "They calling your name. My English still isn't good but I understand your name." I cursed quietly and got up. Jin moved some of my hair out of my face and I tried to smile at him. "You work too much." he said and I shrugged. "It will get back after tonight." I said, fully aware that the end of one project only meant the beginning of a new one. "We will see." he said and then walked off, I was too confused to ask what he meant and just got up.
The show went smoothly, we introduced the first episode of the travel BTS doc as a celebration of the end of their European promo tour. Andrew was treating them like old friends and the guys went along, also talking about how they were off to the US next. We had prepared a small farewell party afterwards but my team was so tired, that the other staff was enjoying it more than us.
Around 11 PM I gave up and started to make rounds to say goodbye. I found the members sitting around a table, looking just as exhausted as I was, who knew what they had been up to over the last few days. "This is goodbye then..." I started and was hugged by Jimin seconds later. They took their turns, Jungkook still had a hard time looking at me, but I tried to tickle him while we hugged so he would get over himself. He laughed and I was actually relieved.
Moments later I was hugging Namjoon. Afterwards, we just stood there, his hands still on my hip. "I... I am happy this happened. I am happy we got to talk. Are you?" He asked, still not letting go. I nodded and smiled at him. "I am. It was overdue." When he kissed my cheek I couldn't help but tense up, but it felt nice. On the cab ride home I shared with Georgia she had a little cry. Apparently, the whole thing she had going with Kookie had hit closer to home than I had thought and I hated myself for not having told her what I had done.
I slept. Basically for a whole day. The day after I washed and cleaned and then finally called Micky. He came over in the evening and exactly what I had expected happened. He apologized over and over again, begged to not end things, finding cheap excuses and even cried a little. I cried too, but there was no way. After he had finally left I felt like just going back to bed.
While the first few days back in London had gone by incredibly slowly, time sped up afterwards. Lauren and her family came to visit in early October and I could honestly say that it was a turning point. I still was angry and sad and frustrated at times, but I hadn't laughed like that in a while, it felt good. I was lonely though. My friends in the city were also Micky's friends. Mary's friends. And as it turned out a good number of them had known for a while what had been going on, so I didn't see them anymore. So many things about the city reminded me of him... it frustrated me, even though I was aware that it wasn't the city's fault.
Work had gone back to normal and I was very happy about that. The travel doc had finished up and seemed to be well received. I was sure they could have shown whatever really, the public was eating up anything BTS, but it was nice to know that we had done well.
When Andrew called me into his office one Friday night, I didn't think of it much until I was sitting there and realized I had no idea what this was about. Andrew came in minutes later and what followed could only be described as polite chatter, which made nervous.
"Okay, so... why I called you in. There has been an offer on the table and honestly, I hate to tell you but I have to." I raised an eyebrow and tried to be patient. Which wasn't easy. "So, as you know the doc went well. Really well I think. So, of course, the station is interested in continuing it in the future." I opened my eyes widely. What? But even more pressing: HOW?
"BigHit apparently liked it as well and we have been in talks how to do this...and since they are revamping the whole social media presence of BTS after the break, some things have changed. Their idea for a while now has been to update their own shows. Make it more accessible to an international audience, mainly by cooperating with partners. And this is when things got bigger and bigger and well... basically not about our show anymore." I could tell Andrew was somewhat annoyed, which only made me more nervous. "So... the format they are working on is basically a mix. Between what we did. What they did. What the Americans want to see...Something that wouldn't be seen on our show, but mainly online. Tying in with broadcasters wherever they go..." He stopped and looked at me. I still didn't know how to react, how did I have anything to do with that? "We would get certain perks. The first UK appearance on each tour for the next five years would be on our show. Our network would be involved. People high up are very pleased with themselves, but I obviously do not want to let you go..."
I gasped and just stared at him. "Excuse me, what?" "They don't just want the doc, they want the team. BigHit has requested it." "What?" "And of course... this is not something one can produce here. You would travel. But mainly... you would be in Seoul." "What?" How many times had I sad that word in the last minute? "They can't just move us around like that... They can buy the concept, but not us..." "Obviously not, but Ollie. You would be crazy not to accept. Because... I am now going to show you some numbers." I swallowed silently while he was grabbing a piece of paper form a stack and moved it across the table to me.
When I left the office about an hour later my head was spinning. Not just because of the money. Well, obviously because of the money WHAT THE FUCK. It was quite a bit more than I earned at the moment, but also because of... everything. "Take the weekend to decide, but... I am sorry, I need your decision by Monday morning so we can arrange things, they have others in mind in case you turn them down." Andrew had said.
I sat on my couch half the night, debating how the hell I had gotten into this position without even actively taking part. That was something I definitely didn't like about it. Working with BTS more permanently seemed crazy. Both because... why would they want that (What the hell was Bighit thinking?) but also because I was pretty sure it would end my career as it had been before. As much I was all for less snobbery in music, who would take an indie rock music journalist serious if their last project had been working with a boy band. Or would it actually help my CV? Why was I thinking about my CV? Did I want this?
Unfortunately, the last question seemed to be the most important, but also the hardest to answer. What did I want? I tried to imagine myself in Seoul and that actually felt exciting. Maybe also because I suddenly felt like it was a quick and easy escape from London. Why not go somewhere new. And making the doc had been incredibly fun. There would be assigned shooting days when the guys weren't travelling so it wouldn't be quiet as non-stop. I actually even liked working with them, still... it felt just wrong. And then again it seemed to be obvious that it was a good idea!
Did they even want this? I hoped so. The show would definitely be produced, with or without me, but were they aware I would be around them so much... did Namjoon know?
I spent all Saturday thinking about it, changing my mind every few hours, only to end up completely overwhelmed in the evening. And then suddenly I remembered something. Jin's comment after he had woken me up. Had they known. Even then?
I bugged Georgia to give me Jungkooks phone number, texted him that it was me and that someone had to call me. Minutes later my phone rang and I recognized Namjoons voice. "Hey, how are you? Is everything alright? JK said it sounded urg..." "Did you know?" "Pardon?" "Did you all know, about the show?"
I heard him chuckle on the other side of the line. "Of course we did." I took a deep breath. "Was this another test run?" There was a pause, probably because of the not quite so elegant comparison.
"Yeah." he finally admitted. "So you knew the whole time?" "No, not really, I had an idea. But I really wasn't allowed to say anything." "Yeah, I know that. I just feel weird." "Why?" "Because... this is mad. I can't move to Korea!" "Why?" he repeated. "Because..." Yeah, I actually totally didn't have an answer. "I can only speak for myself, Ollie. Actually, fuck, no, we have all talked about it so let me answer for them as well. We would rather you do it than someone we don't know. Look, I am 30. I am so over having to hide everything about myself and then at the same time have cameras follow me everywhere. If the Europe trip showed anything then it was that you guys stuck to the rules concerning our privacy. It mind sound weird, but that is... basically top priority when it came to choosing you. We know we can trust you. You would make this a good show while not filming anything you shouldn't and it would still be a good time. Bit of balance, I guess."
What he sad made sense to me and still, I was in shock. "What? Why are you so quiet?" "I don't know, I guess I just assumed you would hate for me to do it." "Why?" "Because... it is weird. We have history. Me moving to Seoul and us seeing each other all the time. That is super weird!" "Wow, very professional of you!" He said while laughing. I knew he didn't mean it. It was in a way unprofessional to think about these things. "Look. Don't worry about that. It was a group decision, we told Bang you are our first choice." "Wow." "So you are going to do it?" "Wait, just because now I know that you guys want it to happen... I still don't know whether I do..." He didn't say anything for a few seconds, then started laughing again. "Yeah, but, Ollie. If you didn't want to do it... why would we be on the phone then? Wouldn't you just say no?" I hated that he was right. Because all of the sudden it seemed so obvious. "I really do want to get out of London." I said in frustration. "Good. Good realization." "And I don't want to go back to the States but I want to start over. And I liked filming with you guys and fuck... the money! And..." "...so you are going to say yes?" "I don't know. I have till Monday to think about it. I should... make a pro-con list and google some things and..." "...pretty sure you just made your decision no matter how many Pinterest boards of Seoul aesthetics you fill." "Shut up." "Happy you are joining us!" "I am hanging up now!"
I almost threw my phone next to me on the couch, but I knew he was right. That night I didn't sleep well and it took a couple of hours on Sunday morning for me to suddenly feel a completely different feeling. Excitement. Real, raw excitement. I was good at this, it was a great opportunity. I would get to see so much of the world, get to explore Seoul.
I couldn't stay in London because I was scared people would judge me for fleeing the city of my ex. I couldn't not go to Seoul because I was scared people would think I was doing it for yet another guy...
Sunday night I texted Andrew my decision and he wasn't too happy about me leaving of course, but I think happy for me. Only after that, I texted Lauren and my family. They had tons of questions, so it was good I had made the decision by myself. When I lay in bed that night I felt panic bubbling up, but then started laughing. Yes, this was a lot. But I would figure it out.