Over the next two days, I realized something I had completely forgotten: When you were spending time with Namjoon you had a lot of time to yourself in the morning. Even though I had dragged him to bed at a somewhat reasonable hour the night before, that guy liked. to. sleep. And not only long but waking him up seemed an almost impossible task.

I had been reading next to him for a while when his mum called and I wasn't sure whether to wake him or not. I was not going to pick up… When she called a second time I started nudging him, shaking him in the end and there was only a little moan while he turned away from me. When she called a third time, only minutes later, I actually got a little freaked out and climbed on top of him to force him to wake up, but he only responded by shoving me to the side, which made me land right back on my side of the bed. A little in shock, but laughing, I sat there, while Namjoon groaned and it took him a couple of seconds until he realized what he had done, suddenly quickly turning around and looking at me with wide eyes. „S…sorry. I didn't… I wasn't properly awake yet, sorry." I was still laughing, gesturing to his phone. Joon grabbed it as if he hadn't heard it until now and answered. While he talked to his mother he fell back into the pillows, at some point moving his hand over my arm and looking at me with big brown eyes as if to say sorry again, but I just shook my head. If I had learned something from the last few days it was that Namjoon was pretty strong, but not really always aware of it. Like an oversized Labrador puppy accidentally taking down a fence. And half asleep he was apparently also having none of my bullshit. I just closed my book and tried to understand at least a little of what he was saying, but no chance. When he said goodbye to her with a little „Eomma, Salanghae." I grinned because I had finally at least understood something. And also because it was sweet. Namjoon just threw the phone in the direction of the bedside table and then rolled over to me. „Everything okay? She called twice before that, I got worried…" Namjoon nodded while pulling me into his arms. „All good. She knows me well… and that sometimes it takes a lot to get me to wake up." „I noticed…" „Yeah, I don't know what that is about. It's not like I don't want to wake up with you on top of me… I actually would really like that." He looked at me all serious for a moment as if to clarify, which I tried to copy, but it was hard to not laugh. „But usually my head only starts working properly a few seconds later and then I can't even remember what happened… like throwing a pretty girl halfway across my bed." He was gesturing now as if to say ‚the hell?'. „Well. I can deal with it." I murmured and decided to climb back on top of him. „You deal with me turning into a toddler when I am drunk… I deal with WWE Namjoon in the mornings." This time he didn't seem to mind, a satisfied smile on his lips when he closed his arms around my back to draw me in even closer. I lay my chin on his chest and it was pretty comfortable, he was wide enough for me to fall asleep on him again, but when he started laughing I could feel my whole body shake. „Well, now I am awake you are just going to use me as a pillow, Ollie?" I nodded, but eventually looked up again. „Sorry. If I ever get too clingy just let me know, okay?" Joon shook his head, carefully kissed me and pushed some strands of hair out of my face. „I don't mind. I actually like it."

I had noticed. Alone he was so very different from what he was like in a group, the way I had gotten to know him again over the last few months. He wasn't a complete changed person or anything, still singing off-key with closed eyes next to me when I was making lunch or squealing like a little boy when a bird had landed on the railing of the balcony. But he was also really quiet sometimes. I could see how he would have no problem being alone for long periods of time, deep in thought. And when he wasn't walking into doors or opening a banana in a way that made it turn into baby food, he was careful in what he did, how he did it. It wasn't on purpose, but once it got quiet, it was as if he turned into his truest self. It was visible in the little things. How clear and neat his handwriting was on post-it notes pinned everywhere. How the plants around his apartment seemed to be as healthy as if he had just bought them. Better actually. How when he was reading next to me or just looking at his phone he would reach for me. Just to touch my hair or let his fingers gently dig into my neck. It was flattering, no question. I had just stared at him, by the end of it pretty sure that he wasn't even aware of what he was doing. I tried to tell myself that it meant he was comfortable. That he hadn't quite forgotten that I was there, but my presence didn't keep him from going wherever that „sexy brain" of his went off to. Calling it clingy was wrong, he would have never done that in public, not even in front of the guys. And more importantly: wouldn't have wanted to. But I didn't mind. This was a side of him that only a few people had had the chance to see.

And then all that - all those things I saw through rose-tinted glasses - came crashing down when he would say things like right now: „Dooo… you think it's possible to become part of a bed?" I looked down at him, squinting my eyes, putting a hand on each side of his head on the mattress to lift myself up a little. „Wha…?" „Like… how long can we stay like this before we actually… turn into furniture?" He looked so serious. I couldn't help rubbing my face. „Considering that you are supposed to be a genius and all you are pretty dumb sometimes." Namjoon just pressed his lips together to keep himself from laughing and pulled me down to him again. „But… to answer your question, I think we have another day… before it happens. If we don't get some fresh air soon I think I will get too used to all of this…" I said with a sigh, climbing off him.

Taking a walk would have been nice. But now that there wasn't a snow storm going on outside we both knew the move was just too risky. A depressing thought, but at least not a new one. „I do know what we can do against it though…" I had turned around and was now lying on my back next to him, having grabbed my phone and showed him the many messages that had already been exchanged this morning. Jin complaining that he had gotten back to the boy's apartment and nobody was there and asking what I was doing again and again until I had eventually promised we would come over later. „Eventually Tae and Hobi also got back so they asked if we want to have a movie night before you guys leave for Japan tomorrow afternoon." Namjoon looked as if it had been too much information at once and I had to remind myself again to go easy on him… maybe he wasn't awake a 100% yet.

And then he just pouted. „Forgot about Japan again… you sure you can't come with us?" I stretched a little, then shook my head. „Look, there really isn't any need for me to come and we need to get two RUN episodes edited by the end of the week…" „But… Japaaaan?" „I know. I'd love to. But it is only for four days so you will have to cuddle Jin instead of me for a while, okay?" Joon chuckled, then growled. „Not the same." „Well… I do hope so!"

When Joon and Jin hugged a couple of hours later when we got to the other apartment I just wriggled my eyebrows at them. Which made Jin laugh, pointing at the two of us. Point taken. When it was my turn to hug Jin I noticed a huge wet stain on his shoulder. "What happened to you? Pasta water explosion?" I almost immediately regretted that comment when I saw him dropping his smile. "Eh...yeah. so. I wanted to warn you. Tae is sad. Very sad, you know?" I looked at him, then glanced over at Namjoon... was this code for something? Or was it just Jin overusing "you know?" as per usual?

Joon looked concerned. And then a little upset, his jawline tense all of the sudden and apparently there were no further words needed, Jin just nodded and Joon walked off to Taes room. I just stood there, suddenly felt a little out of place, but Jin just grabbed my arm and pulled me to the kitchen isle, pouring us tea. "Broken heart." he said and sighed. "I make cookies." I was a bit overwhelmed, but the first thing I noticed was that he really had had the oven on. How were these people actually so so sweet to each other? "His girlfriend is finally his ex-girlfriend. She cheated." Jin said while looking for something in the fridge, then suddenly stopped and turned around to me. A slight look of horror in his eyes. "Sorry... I forgot." I blinked a few times and then realized why he was reacting like this. Apparently, when people thought of being cheated on they were thinking of me now.

Of course, I would still think of Mickey sometimes. It still hurt. But it had gotten so much better. And then there was the fact that my life had changed so dramatically, I was just often way too distracted from the fact that I was the girl... well, yeah who had been cheated on. "Don't worry." I said quickly. "But... man. Poor Tae." Jin sighed and nodded. "Yes. Poor Tae. But also... stupid Tae." I didn't have to ask what that was supposed to mean when he saw me looking. "Not first time. I never liked her. We all never liked her. But he was so in love, he would always forgive. And always fall more in love. But now he finally understood and has been crying for two hours." "Oh nooo..." "So we bring cookies and tea." "No, I don't want to disturb them...you bring them." "Ah shhh..."

There was no escape when Jin had a plan. Somehow managing to carry the cookie plate and a cup of tea in one hand, he used the other one to drag me behind him to Tae's room. The door was left ajar. Still not sure whether this was the right thing to do, I stepped in behind Jin, who walked right over to Tae's bedside table, putting down the plate. Hobi wasn't there, Jin had told me the two of them had taken turns comforting. Tae was lying on the bed on his side, his face half-buried under his own arm, only moving it when Jin ruffled his hair up a little before leaving the room again. Namjoon sat next to the bed, close enough to be able to hold Tae's hand, his voice low and serious, but soothing. If it hadn't been so sad to look at, it would have been incredibly sweet. Maybe it was anyways, but I couldn't think about that long when I saw how red Tae's eyes were. It made me want to cry myself. And gave me a flashback to the moment Namjoon and Tae had been looking at me from the other side of the street in Stockholm after I had found out about Mickey.

"I should go, I am sorry. I am so sorry." I murmured, but Tae just shook his head and then cried some more and I don't know what happened, but I started crying as well and that made him cry even more and Namjoon looked as if he had gone into standby mode because he was overwhelmed by this weird situation. After just standing there for a few seconds it was as if some sort of weird instinct had taken over. One that apparently only people who had been treated horribly recently understood because when I - clearly out of my mind! - got onto Tae's bed to hug him from behind, he was already grabbing my hand, apparently not surprised at all.

When I opened my eyes again after a few brief moments, I had stopped sobbing. My reaction had been acute but the difference was that I was feeling for Tae. His pain was so fresh, I knew what it felt like. But it wasn't my own. Tae was still crying. Joon was sitting there, crossed leg, mouth opened slightly, Tae's other hand in his... but a few moments later he was maybe shaking his head - simply because he was just very different to me and very different to Tae - but leaned against the bed. Starting to talk to Tae again. They were speaking Korean and I didn't understand anything of course. But I could feel how Tae's emotions shifted incredibly quickly. Anger and then sadness and then fatigue, maybe a few sentences of calm words mixed in but then back through all of those emotions again.

At some point I left them because I started to feel a little weird like I had done something incredibly foolish again, but when Namjoon finally convinced Tae to come out of his room and join us on the couch for a movie, he sat down between Hobi and me and smiled at me so bittersweetly that I could have started crying again. Instead, he put his head on my shoulder and when I handed him my half-empty cup of hot chocolate he took it from me with a little "Thank you, Noona."

For a second I stared at him out of the corner of my eyes and then had to blink a few tears away because I was actually really touched. Whenever they had called me that it had always been to make fun of Kookie or to even tease me, but this time it had felt as if he had meant it in the literal sense and for some reason... that little word and Tae's head on my shoulder had made me feel more at home in Seoul than furnishing my apartment or finally learning how to order at a coffee shop or having Koya to hold on to. When my eyes wandered to Namjoon on the chair next to us he was smiling at me and I couldn't help smiling back, a little embarrassed I moved the sleeve of my sweatshirt over my wet eyes, which he saw. Jin had started the movie and I leaned my head against Tae's. I didn't know his ex-girlfriend, I didn't know if she was as bad as Jin said. But I knew right then and there that if anyone tried to hurt Tae again I would claw their eyes out. Nobody would touch the little brother!

"Hate her!" Hobi said, his voice full of frustration. I looked at him in surprise. Tae had finally gone to bed 15 minutes ago, completely exhausted he had collapsed on his bed and when Jin had checked on him just now, he had been deep asleep. "Is she really that horrible?" I whispered at Namjoon who had taken Tae's spot on the couch next to me. "Well...she cheated on him?" "I know that, but... you all seem to have really not liked her even before that..." Joon sighed. "It's a long story. But let's say... I've never met anyone Hobi dislikes so much. I think there is a pretty short list of people who he dislikes at all but she is definitely on it. And Yoongi hates her. But oh god, Jimin hates her the most. We all tried to keep our mouths shut in the beginning when she would treat him badly because... well, we thought we might just not get her. But eventually, Yoongi exploded and after that, she told Tae his friends were horrible and she wouldn't come over anymore. And yeah, okay, maybe we should have been nicer to her in the beginning but it was so obvious to see that she was using how soft and gentle he usually is...Then they broke up and got back together and broke up again... but I've never seen him like that." Joon looked tired as well, the anger had gone. He seemed sad and I couldn't help moving in a little closer, moving the tip of my nose against his cheek. "Sucks..." I murmured and he moved an arm around my hip. I had just seen Hobi looking over - who normally surely would have made a comment followed by loud laughter, just not tonight - when Namjoon finally whispered in my ear. His lips were so close to me that I almost jumped, even though he was ridiculously quiet. "You are over Mickey, right?" I turned around to him again, surprise visible across my face. "What?" Joon was looking down now, biting the inside of his cheek. Then cleared his throat. "You seemed pretty upset earlier?" He was still not looking into my eyes, but finally, I understood. "Hey, no." I was squeezing his arm now as if that would force him to look at me. "Joon, no. I was upset, sure. But for Tae. I know what it feels like. And it wasn't that long ago but that wasn't about Mickey. That was about Tae." When he looked up he looked relieved and weirdly a lot younger for a second. I kissed his cheek and then the corner of his mouth. And finally, he smiled hesitantly and then nodded. "Please don't do that in front of Tae. It's cute. I hate cute today." Hobi's voice sounded almost monotone, which made it incredibly creepy because it was so far off from his usual way of expressing himself. No surprise Joon and I both looked at him a little shocked, but finally, we all laughed. "Hobi, do you maybe also need a hug?" I finally asked which made him laugh even more and we both got up and hugged grinning, Joon just shaking his head.

A few hours later, when I was lying in Namjoon's bed, finally my time to be the little spoon for the day, I felt pretty bad because I was so sad for Tae, but at the same time, this evening had felt like I had real friends here. And I felt good, it all felt right. "Come to Japan?" Joon asked for the third time since we had gotten under the covers. "Nope." "Ugh. And if Tae asked you instead of me?" "Maybe" "What?" "Just kidding..." I turned around and smiled at him. "Four days. We can do four days. You guys can distract Tae a little and I will edit like crazy and hopefully, that lip of yours will finally find time to heal." His nose was touching mine when he nodded. He knew he wouldn't win this one anyway.

When I woke up the next morning I found Tae and Jimin - who had just arrived - in the kitchen. And while I was making myself coffee I could hear Tae laughing. Maybe having Hyungs and a Noona around was good was one thing, but there was nothing like having a best best friend like Jimin to cheer you up a little. I snuck outside for a cigarette and knew it was a mistake as soon as I heard the balcony door open again behind me as soon as I had lit it. "Bad, bad girl." Apparently, Yoongi was back as well. I wanted to hide, pretend he wasn't seeing what he was seeing. But instead, I hugged him because I just remembered the big news. I got him up to speed about what had happened to Tae and Joon had been right. Man. Yoongi hated the girl. But I was still so excited about the engagement news and he got almost chatty, so we stayed outside for a while. Surely the last thing Tae needed to hear about right now was the wedding.

When I quickly walked through Namjoons room towards the bathroom, hoping to not wake him up, he was only half responsive. And still... "I know you smoked!" "Nooo" "Yes, you did." "I need to pee." "Bad. Ollie. It's bad!" I closed the bathroom door behind me. Whyyyy... I laughed at myself in the mirror. I really was an idiot sometimes. Okay. Toothbrush. Shower. Let's go.

BigHit without BTS in it was weird. It wasn't just that the guys were missing, but all the people they took with them when they went somewhere. The four days in Japan would include mainly promo, but the makeup and set design and costume and choreography departments seemed to be empty all of the sudden. When Georgia came back two days later we used the moment to film each other going up and down a particularly squeaky hallway in what Georgia called "J-Hope style", only to be told off by some staff a few minutes later because it turned out there were not only cameras in the hallway but we had been making noise right next to a senior management staff meeting. We almost died of laughter and embarrassment on the way back to my office. "You seem to be in a good mood." Georgia noticed. "I thought you got stuck here over break? That must have sucked." "It was alright."