Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Author's Note: This story, by its nature, is not going to be super-friendly to Faith. Now, I like Faith. Hell, I like her more than Buffy, over all. But Buffy 4x15, Buffy 4x16 and Angel 1x18 do represent her lowest point, and when she is utterly at her worst (though she starts to improve in 4x16, in large part due to what she experiences in terms of living Buffy's life for a day, before sliding back again). This is, as I said, Faith at her worst.

She's not gonna come off well in this fic, though it is not going to be universally against her either. She, like all the characters in the Buffyverse are, is complicated.

You have been warned.

Thanks extended to my friend Vic for helping me as an extra pair of eyes on a particularly frustrating passage of this chapter. Further thanks to Oxnate for beta-reading the whole chapter.

This Year's Boy

By Kylia

Chapter 2: This Could Only Happen To You, Xander

February 23, 2000

Warehouse, Sunnydale

When Xander started to finally wake up, something felt wrong.

No, not something - everything. His head throbbed furiously, a drumming sensation inside his skull that fit what he imagined a hangover headache must feel like, based on all the bitching his parents had done over the years the morning after a binge. So, most mornings.

There was an unfamiliar weight on his chest, he felt hair tickling the back of his neck - and he was lying on something cold, hard, flat and metal. Also he had what felt like manacles around his wrists - heavy ones too, judging from the way they felt on his arms. Eyes still closed in fear of any bright lights, he tugged his arms, and realized that the manacles were chaining him to something else. They made a loud jangling noise as he tugged.

During the seconds it took for Xander to remember what had happened before unconsciousness, the first thought that drifted into his mind was wholly inappropriate to the situation.

I know Ahn and I talked about experimenting with like, fuzzy cuffs or something, but these... these are something else entirely. Plus, y'know, we're supposed to talk about these things before we do them.

Then his recent memory registered with his mind - walking out of the house while his parents yelled at eachother even worse than normal, the knife at his back, Faith grabbing him and dragging him downtown-

Those Council goons, waving guns around.

And then that weird metal thing with the rings, and she grabbed his hand and then...

He'd been looking - at himself. Up at himself. As if he was suddenly shorter -

And then...

Xander's breath caught as he remembered the last thing he'd seen before his own body had punched him in the throat and left him unconscious.

Heart racing, Xander opened his eyes finally, looking down, praying to god he was wrong. That this was all some weird prank Willow and Buffy and Anya had played on him and he was just wearing a wig and-

Boobs.

He had boobs.

Huge boobs. They hadn't seemed this big when he looked at them on Faith - not even when they'd had sex the one time...

But now they were on his body - and they looked massive.

No, not his body. Faith's body. Which meant Faith was-

HOLY SHIT FAITH STOLE MY BODY!?

A yelp of surprise - a very much not manly yelp of surprise at that - escaped him as it fully registered that he was in Faith's body, Faith was in his...

He looked around, trying to look at anything other than himself, hitting his leg for a moment, or at least what of it he could reach - just a bit of the upper thigh - and swallowing, trying to keep himself from hyperventilating.

He was chained up in the back of some sort of truck, the manacles secure to the wall, the doors open, showing some sort of warehouse or something he was in. Sunnydale was lousy with little-used or abandoned warehouses.

The Council goons.

Shit.

They'd been about to take Faith down, take her in, take her back to the mother country. Which meant...

Have fun seeing how the other half lives, over in Merrie Olde England

Faith's taunting words right before she'd used that weird metal device to steal his body. Steal my body! - rang through his head, taunting him even more.

The Council was going to take Faith - take him - to England, for some sort of trial or hearing.

But I'm not Faith.

"Hey!" Xander yelled, wincing a little at the sound of his voice - Faith's voice - coming out. "Let me out of these!" He protested, tugging on the chains again, to no avail. "You guys screwed up! Got the wrong person!"

"You rather look like Faith Lehane," the man who had held the gun said again, standing at the entrance of the truck, holding the gun and pointing it at her as he spoke.

"No - fuck, I'm not her. Just in her body - she used some sort of device, switched our bodies! Right now, she's running around, free, in my body!" Xander protested, realizing just how ridiculous it sounded as he said it aloud. But it was true - and these guys worked for the Council, they knew about vampires and magic.

"Really?" The man sounded skeptical.

"Oh, come on, you guys work for the Council. You've seen Vampires and magic and all that and you don't believe that magic can switch two people's bodies?" It happened all the time in comic books and on Star Trek. It really wasn't that hard to believe that it would happen in real life, since magic was actually a thing.

And of course, when it happened, it happened to you. This could only happen to you, Xander.

"I'm sure it can, but it is rather immaterial. We're hired to deliver a package - what's inside the package doesn't really matter." The man said with a shrug, "Even if what you say is true, Miss Lehane is in an entirely human body and no longer our concern or a threat. Whereas this body - your body - remains the active Slayer." There was a slight mocking note to his tone that only made Xander angrier.

Well, angrier and also mortified, and he felt his face heat up, flushing.

Okay that makes sense... if you're an evil idiot working for the Council That Sits On Their Ass and Does Nothing While Drinking Tea!

"Oh, come on! She's the murderer, not me! This isn't going to - I'm not a- Let Me Go!" He shouted, pulling against the chains, pressing his feet - Faith's feet? Her feet? Fuck this was confusing - against the floor of the truck, trying to use it as leverage for pulling on the chain.

Okay, no, not 'her' feet. I'm still me in here. And as long as I'm in this body, they're 'my' feet.

My arms absolutely failing to break this chain. They really knew how to make these strong even for a Slayer, apparently... fuck.

His boobs. A small part of him - the little horny voice in his head that was always thinking about sex - didn't think that part was a bad thing, but since his hands were a little chained up, he really couldn't take advantage of it even if he wasn't also... you know.

Freaking out. Freaking out at having his body stolen and being stuck in a woman's body when he was a guy and now he had boobs and a-

Then another thought occurred to him, which chilled his blood and forced all other thoughts to draw to a standstill.

Faith had said something about... planning to do this to Buffy. Well, she said 'go blonde' but who else could that me, in this context?

Fuck. That makes sense. She'd get away from the police, leaves Buffy to get arrested or worse, and she could just run off... and she'd keep Slayer strength... and after we switched, somehow the device was on my body's hand, which means she still has it. And if Buffy doesn't realize something's wrong...

Xander's mind immediately leapt to the worst scenario, on several levels - Faith switched bodies with Buffy and then... and then killed his old body, with Buffy in it. Which would leave Buffy dead, and his own body dead, and most comic books and sci-fi shows and stuff that did body switching tended to leave people stuck if their original bodies died.

So badness on all sorts of levels and then Faith could run away or just... do whatever she wanted. In Buffy's body. Tarnishing Buffy's good name.

"Just let me go!" Xander yelled again, "Faith is running away with my body!"

"Do shut up and stop struggling, or we'll have to reconsider the 'mostly unharmed' part of your delivery. Or worse." The lead guy said. "The Council wants you alive, but if you continue to give us trouble, Miss Lehane-"

"Mr. Harris! I'm Xander, you-!" Xander cut off as it registered what the goon said.

No, no getting shot. No dying. Not on the to-do list. Buffy will find you - she's been looking for Faith, and so that means she's going to be looking for you...

Fingers crossed, anyway, because otherwise Xander was facing what could be a very short life ahead of him, or possibly a very long life stuck in this body.

At the moment, he wasn't totally sure what prospect was worse. Biting his lip again, he tried to take a deep breath, heart pounding as full realization dawned on him at just how screwed he really was, if Buffy didn't come to rescue him very soon.

"Good. Now, do be silent." the boss-guy said, turning away and then walking out of sight.

I want my Buffy!

Xander lay there, heart pounding in his chest, eyes dropping down to his heaving breasts - okay, no, these are still Faith's breasts not mine - as he started to hyperventilate, breath moving fast in and out of his mouth, shallow, not really helping him with his efforts to break the chains, which were still going absolutely nowhere...

After a few minutes of straining, he couldn't keep it up anymore, and he just sort of collapsed. Half-leaning against the wall as he accepted there was just nothing he could do about the chains, couldn't get them free, not at this angle. Either he'd have to be let go or...

Or what? I don't have another option!

What did they do to these chains? Make them out of magic? Then again, the Council would need to have chains that could deal with a Slayer that 'went rogue', just like they had that fancy injection Giles gave Buffy before that stupid test when she turned 18.

Breaths still coming fast and shallow, Xander tried to take deeper breaths, tried to close his eyes, find a happy place... something, but everything - felt wrong. The hair tickling the back of his neck, the weight on his chest, the sound of his breathing... it made it impossible for him to do anything but be intensely aware of the fact that he was in the wrong body, and a girl's body at that.

And then the worst realization yet dawned on him.

I don't- my-

Xander looked down his body to his waist, trying to bend a little and push his hips up to get visual confirmation, unwilling to believe it until he saw...

His crotch. Flat.

My- I don't have- I don't have a dick... because of course I don't because Faith doesn't, because she has a-

She had... the other thing. A vagina. Or any number of other slang terms that rose to mind

And now, he had one.

Xander had thought he'd been hyperventilating before, but now it really picked up, and he started feeling light-headed. It was all he could do for the next several moments to keep himself from blacking out entirely from shock, as he felt himself trying to just... reject reality and keep pretending and-

He couldn't. This was happening. For now, for the moment, he was in a girl's body, and that body had boobs and long hair and- and- female parts.

Doesn't change the fact that I'm a guy. Faith's a girl. I'm just in her body because she's an evil, murdering, body-stealing bitch!

The hyperventilation kept going, and for a moment, Xander contemplated whether or not just letting himself go unconscious might not be the best idea, since he couldn't get free and at least while he was out he could pretend this wasn't happening. But his survival instincts told him he needed to try to stay conscious, try and find a chance to escape.

I have slayer strength, they said... this body has slayer strength. I need to figure out how to use it-

If they ever got close, maybe he could... kick them in the balls? What would that feel like with Slayer strength behind the kick? Just thinking about it made him wince, a phantom flash of pain running through him and he shuddered at the idea.

Still, the idea of doing it to the Council goods, if he could ever get free... it sounded like fun to him. Show them what it feels like to suddenly be dickless!

The thought of doing that to Faith when he caught up to her, before switching bodies sounded good for a moment, before he realized that once he switched bodies he'd be the one with the suddenly really painful/possibly destroyed crotch.

So... yeah, not a good plan. Kind of like cutting off your nose to spite your face, or whatever the cliche was.

Mind racing, pulse bounding, and breath still going way too fast - his head still felt light, but at least he was managing to not black out still. Xander was stuck there, in the back of the truck, chained up and left with nothing but a parade of horrifying scenarios of what could go wrong.

Faith was a killer, and there was nothing to stop her from killing again. What if she killed everyone? Will, Buffy, Giles, Mrs. S, Deadboy?

Okay, that one I don't mind so much.

He'd have taken at least a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that Faith would have no reason to kill Anya since she never even knew her, but-

I don't think she needs a reason, since she's psycho!

And of course, everything that could go wrong with him. Because unless something changed or he got rescued or he found a way to escape, he was...

Going to England. To the Council For... whatever the hell they were up to and planning on doing to Faith.

They want her alive, so that means like... trial, not execution? Unless they wanted to make some big show of it, which would totally fit with everything else the Council had done.

What did Willow call them that one time?

Xander furrowed his brow, trying to remember, before it came to mind: Megalomaniacal, patriarchal, power-mongering, poopy-heads.

It was typical of his best friend that she'd combine big words with 'poppy-heads', and that time it hadn't even been because she'd lost the thread of her insult and lost track of what she was saying - which had also happened.

Will just doesn't have it in her to be mean, most of the time. Not that she couldn't be scary, from time to time.

So the Council could be interested in making a big show trial of it, like what happened in all those third world countries with dictators in fancy military uniforms or whatever it was that was going on in those action movies before the explosions and gunfire.

Somehow, freaking out about his possible death was actually a better feeling than freaking out about the fact that he was in a girl's body, so he tried to focus on that. Pushing himself up into a sitting position and staring straight ahead, he tried not to look down at Faith's body at all.

It was hard to be sure how long he was sitting there, freaking out about his possible death and at what Faith could be up to, but it couldn't have been too long. He was pulled out of his low-burn panic - a little bit anyway - by the sound of fighting: fists hitting flesh, someone crashing into boxes, the sound of a crossbow going off-

"Really? Has that ever actually worked for you?" Buffy's voice said somewhere nearby, and Xander jolted a bit in surprise and hope. Rescue! He was about to call out to her, call for help, when he realized that he still sounded like Faith.

How to convince her - tell her something Faith wouldn't know? That's how it usually worked in the TV shows and comics, but what? His mind raced, trying to think of something that, unquestionably, Faith wouldn't know. There were a lot of ideas that came to mind, of course, and after a moment, he settled on a few that he'd just have to rattle off quickly before she started punching and kicking who she thought was Faith.

Then there was the sound of a silenced gun going off - louder than silenced guns sounded like on TV, but still not the same loud shot, and then - thank god - Buffy's voice again.

"Missed me. I'd say try again, but you lost your last life, so game over." The thud and a grunt and then the sound of someone else hitting the floor, and then Buffy ran into view.

"Faith!" Buffy said, sounding furious, and holding a loaded crossbow, not coming close, but aiming it at him. "Where is Xander!? If I find out you hurt him, so help me god-" she cut herself off, waving the crossbow threateningly. "What did you do to him?"

Under other circumstances, the anger and concern in Buffy's voice would have been heartwarming - he knew Buffy cared about him and his well being, but it felt kind of good to have such a clear presentation of that fact.

"Buffy!" Xander hurriedly tried - and failed - to hold his hands up, the chains pulling his arms back, but at least making it clear he couldn't come at her even if he tried. "I'm not Faith!"

"Really? Then what are you, her good twin!?"

Hey, good one, part of Xander's brain noted. Faith was obviously the evil twin here.

"No, I- It's me! Xander! Faith- she switched out bodies to get away from those Council goons!" Xander said hurriedly, and he could see the doubt on Buffy's face, but he kept going, talking quickly while trying to avoid babbling his way into not being understood at all.

"I mean it! Uh- at the beginning of the college year, when you were in the Bronze after Sunday hurt your arm and took all your stuff, I tried to give you a pep-talk, which you called 'dadist' and then I told you 'you're my hero'. Over the summer I tried to go on a road trip but instead I got stuck washing dishes at the Fabulous Ladies Nightclub in Oxnard."

"And then one of the male strippers got sick-" Buffy started, and Xander caught on exactly what she was looking for - that final confirmation, and so he gave it.

"No power on this earth, Buffy." Xander repeated, and Buffy lowered the crossbow, smiling a little.

"Okay that's definitely you, Xander. Faith switched bodies with you?!" Buffy smiled even more broadly, then started giggling, managing to get out more words between laughs. Xander felt his cheeks got hot again, momentarily wishing he could just sink into the floor and vanish.

"She- you- switched..." she lost it for a moment, then, still grinning, she took a breath and said, "Oh god, this could only happen to you, Xander."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," Xander said, unable to entirely stop the frustration, fear and mortification - thanks, Word-a-day calendar - from making him lash out at Buffy in his tone. "You're not the one that-" words failed him and he just gestured - as much as he could - at Faith's body, letting out a 'gah!' of incoherent distress that sounded much less satisfying in Faith's voice.

Buffy cut herself off, going quiet for a minute, "Right, yeah... sorry." She said, "It's kind of funny from where I'm standing but... not for you. But you do have to agree - this really only could happen to you. I mean, Hyenas and love spells and syphilis... everything happens to you."

"Yes, I noticed. Can we worry about laughing about this and how it's so 'on brand' for this to happen to me after I'm not chained up and we've talked to Giles and Will and gotten them to figure out a way I can get my body back?! Preferably before Faith runs off with it to Cancun or whatever! I don't want to be like this for any longer than I have to!" If it took any time at all to find Faith, or if she'd already left Sunnydale...

Hopefully she's still sticking with her plan to find Buffy-

"How did you even know that Faith had done something to me?" he asked, suddenly, as Buffy stepped out of view, hopefully to find the keys to the chains.

"Spike," Buffy answered, coming back into view, keys in hand. She climbed into the truck and walked over to him, crouching to get at the locks on the shackles. "He saw Faith grab you and put a knife to your throat, and then came to gloat at me about how she was going to kill you. I tried to make him tell me, but he ran off before I could catch him. Then Giles told me that the Council had spent these three to find her, and this was where the were hiding. So I figured I'd start here, since I didn't have anywhere else to start short of threatening Willy again."

"If I say I'm thankful for fangless, can you promise to never tell him I just said that?" Xander asked, a small trickle of relief flowing through him as the shackles ran were removed from his wrists. He rubbed at them for a moment, then stopped, the alien feeling of Faith's skin and arms under his fingers - Faith's fingers - just one more unpleasant reminder of just how fucked he still was.

"Promise," Buffy agreed, visibly trying to hold back a smile.

They got out of the truck, and Xander had to grab Buffy's arm for a moment in order to not fall. Everything felt weird just standing up. New sensations assaulted him and his balance was off. Then Xander remembered - again - what Faith had said right before switching their bodies. Everything else had driven it out of his mind for a moment.

"This did happen to me, but it could have happened to you too, you know," Xander said as he followed Buffy out of the warehouse - though he was going slowly, almost having to relearn how to walk - Faith's legs and hips weren't what he was used to, and the muscle memory was clashing with his own idea of how to work, and every time he tried to step, the two kept tripping him up. He kept one hand on the pile of crates and boxes next to him, using it to stabilize him as he walked. Each step, at least, was a little bit easier, as he adapted.

Buffy stopped and just stared at him for a moment, and Xander went on. "Faith told me she was originally gonna do this to you until those council goons showed up. So... don't shake hands with me, if you see me. Until you're sure I really am me." Xander frowned. "You know what I mean."

As Buffy considered that, the height difference struck Xander hard. He'd been used to being over a foot taller than her and now they were nearly eye to eye. Much of that might be Buffy's heels vs Faith's nearly flat boots, but it still shocked him.

"Yeah," Buffy said; one fist clenched, inhaling a long, deep, seething breath. "Come on, let's find your body and put you back into it so I can give Faith the beat-down she so richly deserves right now. Steal your body, try to steal mine? Oh, she is so going back into a coma!"

That sounds like a good idea to me. Once she was back in her own body, anyway.

Coma or prison. Maybe both.

Both would be good.