OLIVIA: I woke up with a dry mouth and a scratchy throat. A pretty good indicator that I had snored. Not even thinking about the fact that my mouth was open. I closed my eyes again and cuddled into my travel pillow. A few seconds later I realized where I was and opened my eyes again, turned around slowly. Only to see Jimin and Hoseok trying to hide their grins in the seats next to me. With a groan, I closed my eyes again for a second but once they started laughing I joined as well. „Next time just wake me up…" I complained. „We filmed it instead for the doc." I heard Gloria shout from somewhere and I only replied with a little „Jahh!" which sounded so much like Jin that half the plane was laughing. When Tae switched his seat to sit next to me, he was still laughing, cuddling into my side without saying much and I put one arm around him, ready to go back to sleep. I heard Tae let out a little „Nope." and realized Namjoon was now standing next to the seat that had been his, but Tae was shaking his head against my shoulder and I could just smirk at Joon. „I leave for five minutes…" he complained, but he was smiling as well. He took a picture of us while Tae pretended to sleep, me smirking into the camera. Joon looked at it for a few moments, then back at me. And I couldn't help but feel all warm inside. Maybe it was also the fact that Tae was a thousand degrees, but mainly the way Namjoon looked at me as if he wasn't even upset, mainly happy. Without a real reason. I could relate.
We were on our way to Sydney. The private plane meant that everyone could relax, there was no sasaeng alarm and the thought of nice weather and for the boys the excitement of starting the tour was infectious. We all knew that we would be exhausted very soon, but for now, the group was buzzing.
„You do snore very loud. Almost as loud as Joon." Tae said while Namjoon found another seat. „Maybe that means you two will be happy forever and I can also hang out with you forever." I looked down at him, his lips twitching. His was in his own world sometimes but right now I was pretty sure he was very aware of how cute he looked. Smiling I leaned down until my lips were almost touching his ear, I really didn't want anyone apart from him to hear this. „Can I tell you a secret? I really hope that is what that means." Tae's smile grew even wider and he nodded. „Good secret. I keep it." When I leaned back against my pillow I was still smiling. I knew this whole honeymoon phase with the new job, with Joon, with basically my new life, couldn't last forever, but who was to say I couldn't enjoy it while it lasted.
Stepping out of the plane and feeling a warm summer breeze on my bare legs in my shorts made the first few steps on Australian soil feel like a real vacation. On the bus on the way to the hotel, everyone was suddenly wide awake, looking outside in awe. In front of the hotel, things got tense because of the number of people waiting, fans but also media. We let the boys leave first and waited for a while for people to leave, but they didn't, so we eventually got out of the bus. Most of them didn't care, but a few more informed people recognized the managers, me and someone even yelled Georgia's name, which freaked her out so much that she was still incredibly pale when we checked in. „Do you think they know?" She asked me and I could hear the horror in her voice. „No. If they knew… I think you would know they knew." I answered and Georgia nodded slowly. I tried to put an arm around her but because we also had our suitcases with us it didn't last long. Our shared room was nice, rather small, had two queen-size beds and a view of the pool. Surely the guy's rooms looked over the harbour, but then again, as Georgia put it: „We are not really going to spend much time here, right?" „Probably not" I answered with a chuckle.
Everyone was exhausted but a few hours later the boys were having their first interviews, tomorrow we would spend the morning filming for RUN, then there would be more interviews and rehearsals. Another day of rehearsals would follow and then: Shows.
But since we only had to make a few calls to make some final arrangements for the following day, afterwards Sue, Georgia and I headed out to explore the city. It was beautiful. And after all that snow - as nice as it had been - I was so very happy to wear a summer dress and sandals. But in the evening exhaustion properly hit and we ended up back in our room emptying the minibar. And on our laptops, because there seemed to be some miscommunication with the rental place at the beach where we had wanted to rent a boat the coming day. Somehow the info where we would be had leaked, so we needed to find some other place to avoid a crowd. Fortunately, we found options, which picked the mood right up again. When Namjoon knocked on the door to check whether I was ready to get to bed I had to tell him no. He sat down next to me on the bed, quietly speaking after a while. „You know… you have to save your energy. I know right now working at night doesn't seem like a problem, but in the long run, tour will be so draining… pace yourself, okay?"
I stopped typing and looked over to him. Namjoon was scratching the back of his head, looked like he wasn't too comfortable, but I just smiled at him, kissed his cheek and nodded. I had heard what he had said, I knew that he cared. „Oh god. I was a little scared that you would yell at me for giving unsolicited advice." he said with a genuine sigh. I grinned. „It was. But it's fine. I know you didn't do it just to get me to come with you. But for tonight we really have to finish this, otherwise, the next RUN episode will be a paddle boat and some rubber ducks." „Sounds like it would be quite funny actually." „I know, right? Just not sure if Sydney Harbour is the place for it."
He left eventually, I figured I would just sleep here tonight to not wake him up again. A little later Kookie showed up, but to my surprise, he wasn't trying to get Georgia to go with him, he wasn't even distracting her, he was just lying there on her bed next to Georgia, eyes closed, tired, playing with her hair.
It was almost another hour before we finally closed our laptops and out of relief, we opened two more wine bottles. Sue and Kookie were teaching us Korean drinking games, which didn't work properly with wine instead of Soju bottles caps. And still, it was so funny that it had me laughing on my back at some point. „We need more players for this next one." Kookie said and soon there was a knock on the door after he had texted someone and soon the room got fuller and fuller. Jimin in a bathrobe turning up the music and bringing more alcohol from his room. Tae, who apparently hadn't cuddled enough yet, and who sat down in front of me on the bed, only to lean backwards until he was basically using my chest as a pillow. And then Jin, who came in after Tae. He was the only one who seemed surprised to see so many people. His hands deep in the pockets of his sweatpants he stood in the middle of the room for a while not sure where to sit down. Finally settling down on the floor next to Sue. I noticed. And I am sure I wasn't the only one, but nobody made any dumb comments - thank god. But… his ears were red again, he was quiet and it was easy to tell that he pretended to listen to the conversation going on, but really he was hardly able to follow. Sue was quiet as well but usually was in a bigger group so that didn't surprise me much.
It was good that we knew that BigHit had rented out the whole floor and that the people who had the room next door were either here or apparently not upset because at some point the music was turned up so loud that Tae started yelling at Jimin. Only after he had turned it down we realized that someone was knocking on the door again and it turned out to be Namjoon who looked like he had just gotten up. He stood there in the doorframe, a bit flabbergasted by what he saw, raising his eyebrows a little when he stepped into the room, only to have Kookie jump onto his back from the bed screaming „Rapmon! Rapmon!" Forever his biggest fan.
Tae got up without a word this time and Namjoon surprised me by basically taking exactly his spot. Something that I wasn't used to in front of the others, but definitely was welcome. He was much heavier than Tae, pressing me a little into the headboard, but it was a more than comfortable weight. „So this is your idea of working and then going to bed alone?" he asked after I had moved one arm across his chest and looked at him to see whether he was actually upset. „Uhm… sorry. I don't know how this happened. All of a sudden they decided to pile up in this tiny room…" After he didn't react I used my other hand to gently poke his stomach. „Are you mad?" He shook his head, leaning his head to the side to touch his nose to my cheek for a second. „Nope. I know how it goes. But I just can't let Tae take my place all the time. If he gets too used to the fact that you like body contact almost as much as he does...I am done for…" He had raised his voice slightly for the last part so Tae could hear, who laughed and kicked Joon across the bed. I had to laugh as well. „You are pretty great, you know that?" I whispered into Namjoon's ear and he grinned, then nodded, which had me poke his stomach even more before he pinched my thigh. It took me a second to realize that he wasn't trying to get back at me, he just wanted to get my attention quietly, nodding towards the other side of the room. At Sue and Jin. Talking. My mouth almost fell open, before we both quickly looked away when one of them noticed. How had that happened?
An hour later we all ended up heading to bed. Namjoon telling the guys to get some sleep before the important day tomorrow and me doing the same with the people from my team, who had started trickling in as well. „Okay Mama and Papa…" Kookie said, which had everyone laughing and Joon and I stare around the room in horror, before laughing as well.
But apparently, they listened to their "parents" because soon everyone had shuffled out and I was putting away empty glasses and bottles. "You are not actually going to stay here, are you?" Joon asked eventually. "Hey, this is a good room." "I know, I know. But... mine has me in it..." I looked over at him as if I had to actually weigh my options. "Pretty good argument." "I know right?" Suddenly stopping what I was doing I got on my tiptoes and kissed him. A kiss which soon turned into many kisses.
"Noooo!" We moved apart suddenly and realized Jimin was standing next to us. "Noooo, I don't want to see Mum and Dad kissss..." He had his hands over his eyes, trying to find his sweater on the bed which he apparently had forgotten.
"Whoah, that view! This room definitely wins!" I muttered, almost more to myself when we finally got to Joon's room. There it was, the harbour. Joon had to basically force me into the bathroom after tearing me away from the window. Once I had changed and brushed my teeth I just fell onto the bed next to him. „That is a good bed." I murmured into the pillow and he just growled in response. „Set an alarm?" I asked and he growled again. „Good, cause I will pass out in the next five minutes." I said while turning around, patting his stomach a little before resting my head on his shoulder. I wasn't really sure whether he was actually still properly awake, because even though somehow his hand ended up on top of my head, threaded through a strand of hair, I could already hear him breathing calmly.
SUE:
The first time I had seen him - in person - my heart had jumped. He was beautiful. Even more beautiful than on a screen. And somehow at the same time, he looked so completely normal. What a stupid word, but I just couldn't think of a better one. Surrounded by the other guys, I guessed that Hobi's slippers were as expensive as Jin's whole outfit, a shirt two sizes too big hanging from his wide shoulders, simple dark jeans and sneakers. They had stopped in the hallway to talk to Olivia, who quickly introduced me because they were on their way somewhere, but while everyone gave me at least quick but polite smiles, Jin, halfway across the hallway seemed to could not wait to go wherever they were heading. When we had said our goodbyes Ollie patted my back, she knew I had been nervous. But now it was done. I had met them and from now on these would be the people I was working with. Working for. And that was about it.
The first time I had talked to him had been a week later. When I had told him during a shoot that he was standing on a cable I needed. He hardly looked at me, got off, walked away and I wondered how such a beautiful face could belong to someone so... ugh...whatever. And then I wondered why I still found him so damn attractive.
The first time he talked to me was much later, when I had about given up on him and accepted that for some reason all my new friends and colleagues loved Jin because he was apparently so nice and friendly… and that for some reason he really must have had a problem with me. I had absolutely no issue with being ignored - I felt invisible most of the time when I was in a group of people - and these guys were really busy and if I did my job right I, in fact, should be hardly noticed. But I wasn't being ignored. I was being interrupted, walked out on and I was pretty sure I had seen eye rolls from his side when I talked. And still, he was beautiful. I hated him a little. Maybe not surprising that when I sat in Georgia and Ollie's hotel room in Sydney, I almost jumped when he suddenly talked to me.
I had been sitting on the floor next to the beds. I had enjoyed the fact that apparently, this work trip didn't mean that I would be alone in my room every evening, but these people had started to see me as one of their own - maybe - even though I couldn't say that they knew much about me. I had always been shy. And they seemed to be a bunch of extroverts, talking and being in general very touchy-feely considering that they worked with each other. But it was nice. Knowing that these guys actually liked each other meant we were not just producing online content of a very elaborate lie. And it was good to see that the girls seemed to be their friends because it made everything more normal. And still… baby steps. As nice as it was to see, that just wasn't me. I felt comfortable around Georgia and Olivia in their apartments, but I was more the… 'sit on the floor, leaning against the wall, slowly sipping my whatever this drink from the minibar was'-type. And apparently, also the girl who blushed hard when Jin came in as well and sat down next to me because there was literally no room left on the beds. It wasn't like we were sitting there together. If I had stretched out my arm I could have just about touched him. And so I tried to not look his way, prayed for the extra colour to leave my cheeks and listened to what the others were talking about. When suddenly something white appeared in my peripheral vision. It was a pillow. And Jin's hand holding it towards me while he was stuffing another one behind his back. „Oh…thanks." I said and took it, tried a smile, he just nodded. I… didn't even want a pillow. But moved it behind my back as well. And then it was another ten minutes of silence between us. At least nobody noticed, even I almost got used to it because the room was loud enough without me.
„That is a really nice phone case." He suddenly said. I looked over at him properly for the first time. My phone case was literally just bright yellow. Not even a pattern on it. What? „Ehm thank you." I said and blinked and then looked down at his crotch. Which probably was quite weird, but I had hoped that he had his own phone in his hand but he didn't and I for some reason couldn't think of anything else to reply but what I thought about his phone case. „What's on yours?" I asked and wanted to bite my tongue off. What kind of lame conversation was this? Maybe if my voice hadn't been shaky I would have noticed that even his hands seemed nervous searching for his phone in one pocket after another, only to then realize that it was lying between his legs. He showed me. A simple white phone case with an alpaca sticker on it. I squinted my eyes a little but I was pretty sure someone had used a sharpie to write a little lazy 진 on it as well. „We keep mixing up our phones when we leave our apartment so I started writing my name on my cases." He explained. I couldn't help but smile shyly. Because I somehow liked the idea of Jin getting annoyed because someone had taken his phone again and just writing on it in anger. At least that was what I imagined it like. Seemed more like the Jin I knew from tv and from what he was like when we were filming. That guy had little in common with the Jin who had been mean to me over the last couple of weeks. Or as a matter of fact, the Jin who was now sitting next to me, quietly looking down. „I like it." I said. And then we both watched Jimin failing to open the balcony door. And I was relieved and exhausted and warm inside. I felt like an idiot as well. Because apparently just because he had not completely ignored me freaking once my palms were sweaty and I couldn't help but think about his perfect face. But all of a sudden it was so hard to hate him. One compliment… About my phone case of all things and apparently, I was butter. Great.
The first time he touched me was the next day when we were walking down a pier and I was filming Tae. The footage turned out incredibly funny because I took a wrong step while walking backwards and you could see the concern on Tae's face launching forward to keep me from... actually falling into the Pacific Ocean, camera in hand. But it was Jin - suddenly behind me - who steadied me by putting his hands on my hips and everything happened so fast, it was hard to comprehend. Suddenly his face was looking over my shoulder to check if I was okay and then he just walked off. Tae's face was just eyes and open mouth, he was blinking, I was blinking. "You okay?" he mouthed and I nodded and we started over. My heart was still pounding hard.
The first time I wanted him was when the shows started. And it made me doubt whether I hated him at all. Whether I rather hated myself. Because apparently, the fact that he wasn't an absolute asshole anymore had been enough for my body to decide that it was okay now to think about how incredibly hot he was. Somehow they had found the time to dye his hair before the first show. I had never thought about whether I found pink hair attractive but when he walked out during rehearsals I did a double... maybe triple take. "He...is so beautiful." I heard Georgia say next to me and I sighed a little. "Yeah...he really is." And then I realized she wasn't looking at the monitor like I was, she was looking at the stage, a completely other direction. "Oh... you meant Kookie?" Georgia furrowed her brows. Only to then turn around again to see what I was seeing, just when Jin looked down at the camera, his face all over the screens. A wide smile on his lips. And a knowing "Ohh..." from Georgia. When she had turned around again I had already walked off embarrassed, my face red, my heart racing. Shit.
The first time we kissed wasn't too long after that... (Trust me, I know. I knoowww. Still not sure how... but I am getting ahead of myself.) ...and it was for all the wrong reasons.
Georgia was drunk. I liked drunk Georgia, but she was loud. And usually, soon Jungkook was around/on top/under her and she was busy. But now it was just the two of us and I had had two glasses of wine as well. We were in Cape Town by then. I had been surprised by the destination, but it seemed like the boys had really wanted to go and the next three days were scheduled with video shoots. Music video shoots. And then a single concert.
The scenery was so breathtaking, I felt like I had been holding my breath for two days, basically ever since we had left the airport. Driving past townships only to then pass table mountain and Lion's Head to see luxury villas scattered along the cliffs next to the ocean left a weird feeling in me. Because it just seemed too unfair. But the nature… made me drop every other thought soon. We were staying at an Airbnb in Hout Bay pretty close to the villa BTS was staying at but had spent most of the time filming at their pool so far. Today was press day, but the rest of the days we would be filming at secluded little beaches around town. The perfect summer music video and us getting behind the scenes footage.
While Olivia was off preparing stuff at a meeting we had wandered down to the rather touristy beach. The sand was white. The ocean blue. And the sun warm on my skin. And I was happy. Sometimes my mind was racing so fast that I had problems to relax at all. Most of the time trips didn't make that easier, the opposite rather. Maybe that was why I enjoyed the brief moment of calm so much. Everything was going at a normal speed for once, until...
„Did you notice how Jin was eye-fucking you earlier?" Georgia said after we had been quiet for a good ten minutes. Out of nowhere. My eyes widened and my mouth was suddenly very dry. „What?" Georgia just shrugged, her sunglasses made it hard to read her face, but she had said it like it wasn't a big deal at all. „How could he not… your boobs look great in that top. I would." Calmness, gone. Relaxed mood, gone. At least for me. „I… don't think that…" I didn't know what I wanted to say, my lips were moving on their own. „Okay, whatever, don't freak out, it's not like I want to jump you." „No, I know that. That's not why… what did Jin do?" Finally, Georgia turned her head towards me. „It's no big deal, I mean it's not like doesn't do it all the time, I just… felt like it has gotten worse since we got here." She was studying my face. „Why do you look so surprised?"
I sat up, she copied me. „Well… because I am? I… I am a bit… overwhelmed." Georgia was quiet for a second, then: „Ehm, sorry… I thought you were aware of that." „No. I am not really sure what of even." „Sue… he is like super into you. Everyone knows that. I figured you had noticed as well. Just… weren't interested." My throat was so dry, I could feel my heart racing. Was this excitement or a panic attack? Right now it felt like both. „I didn't know." I got out short of breath and even though Georgia wasn't usually like that I seemed to freak her out enough for her to gently pat my back.
„I'm sure it isn't a big deal. Ollie told me he just likes to fuck around…Or at least she said something about a friend of hers or something, I don't remember. But I'm sure he will stop if you ignore him. Or maybe if it bothers you I can just talk to him…" Her words made my heart jump. I don't know why I was surprised, it's not like I had expected him to be celibate. But it maybe didn't match the soft boy image I had associated with him before I had met him. And at the same time, my own thoughts seeing him hadn't always been innocent either so why was I upset? „It's fine. Don't worry." I quickly said, I even tried to smile at her to make her think I was okay. The last thing I wanted was to be known as the new girl that had complained about looks she hadn't even noticed herself.
Apparently, I had confused Georgia a lot. Even though we got along so well we were very different and it was pretty clear that she didn't know how to act around me after that conversation. I didn't blame her, I myself had no idea what to do with myself. But when she asked whether I wanted to head to the city in the early evening I said no. She asked whether I wanted her to stay with her, which was sweet, but showed she didn't know how an introvert worked. I convinced her to meet Ollie downtown and finally, it was quiet. My usual coping mechanism was to take a nap and I tried, but it was still light outside and my thoughts were racing. I tried to replay scenes in my head, but at some point, I wasn't sure anymore whether I was making things up in my mind. Eventually, I had myself almost convinced that Georgia had it gotten all wrong, that the thought of Jin wanting me was simply absurd. But at some point during the evening all I could think of were his lips and the way he had glared into that camera during rehearsal and how sweet he looked with that damn alpaca in his arm when we had gotten onto the plane in Seoul.
‚He wants you.' echoed in my head. And then also ‚You want him.' In theory, I was of the opinion that everyone could be whoever they wanted to be and that thinking in boxes was a mistake. But I just never had been someone who had even considered one night stands. And that was clearly the only thing that this would lead to if it led to anything, right? That was what he was after. A quick fuck. But just the fact that I was thinking about it made me nervous.
No idea how two hours later I was walking up the road to the guy's place. My heart was racing again. My thoughts as well, but I had talked myself into just being brave for once. Why not. Apparently, that was what I wanted to do, right? So why not ask for what I wanted. I actually turned around once but eventually rang the bell at the gate and Big Hit security let me in after they saw who it was. Nobody even looked at me properly when I got to the living room. A stylist was organizing tomorrow's outfits on a rack, there was a cook cleaning up after what looked like it had been an incredible dinner. I saw Namjoon and Yoongi sit by the pool with beer bottles in their hands. I raised my hand to greet them, but they didn't even notice me. Maybe others would have hated becoming invisible so quickly, but I usually was happy about it. Even more so tonight.
Quietly I walked over to a big whiteboard that had schedules on it. Because I had pinned on the RUN itinerary on it yesterday myself I knew that there was a room plan on it somewhere. Eventually, I found it and...single rooms. Jin's was on the first floor. I tried to occupy my mind by remembering the layout of the house to not think about what I was doing. Because I wasn't completely sure about that still. The plan had been to get here and check where I could find Jin. But now… I had to do exactly that. I stood at the end of the big staircase for a good five minutes before I finally made my way upstairs and only because I heard more staff coming in through the front door.
What if he wasn't alone? And maybe even worse: What if he was alone?
I knew I would turn around if I stopped to think about what exactly to say so I just knocked. And for a split second I thought maybe he wasn't there, but then there were steps on the other side and the door opened. And then he stood in front of me. Just wearing boxers and a white shirt. His hair messy as if he had just gotten up, his eyes big because he was surprised. We started at each other for a whole three seconds, almost in horror. But then I just walked through the door, closed it behind me and wondered how I had managed to take these few steps. 'He wants you' I told myself over and over. Jin just stood there, still watching me as if I was a ghost. Very fitting. He looked so tall when I stood right in front of him. And before my instinct to run away could take over... I just took one last step before basically crashing into him. Pulling his shoulders down. Kissing him.
Those damn lips were even softer than they looked. And even though he didn't kiss me back, for a second I could only think about how nice they felt, before panic set in. Because this was really happening and he had basically frozen. But right when I was about to let go, his hands were on my back all of a sudden and his lips moved against mine. So I kissed him harder. And then he kissed me even harder. And then my hands were under his shirt and his on my ass and his tongue was in my mouth and I was dragging him to his own bed. I had not even checked whether he was actually alone... but if it had been so...now I wouldn't have noticed. Maybe not even cared. All I cared about right now was him panting between kisses.
I pulled him down with me until his body was hovering above mine, his hands on my ribs under my shirt, my hands in his hair. His weight on top of me felt incredible. Maybe I had been wrong, maybe this was exactly what I was good at. At least I thought so until what felt like a hundred kisses later his lips were on my throat. And even though I could feel myself getting wetter by the second, it also meant my lips weren't preoccupied anymore. And that was enough for my head to go back to panic mode. Or was it my body? Or both? All I knew was that the next second my hands were shaking and no matter how hard I pressed them into Jin's back it didn't stop. My heart was racing, but not in a good way anymore. He must have noticed even before I left our a little uncomfortable yelp. Because by then he had somehow already let go of my neck, hovering above me. His face right above me. His cheeks red, his neck red, his lips so swollen I couldn't help but think "You did that!" even though my breath was shaky and I was afraid to only see stars soon.
And then he moved away, lying next to me on his back, both our heavy breathing the only sound echoing through the room. Something in me wanted to be closer again, climb on his lap and make him make that sound again he had let out only moments earlier, which only now registered with me. I wanted to kiss him until his whole face was red and his eyes even drowsier. But my body had other ideas and kept me from speaking. So we just lay there for a while until I felt so helpless I wanted to cry. Finally, my voice came back at least. But that was also the moment Jin started speaking.
"You don't want to do this... not really." he said and I couldn't read his tone at all. "I thought I did." I said after a while, so quiet I wasn't sure he had heard me, but he had. He looked away when I sat up, only to put my forehead on my knees so I could think clearer. No idea why that would work.
"But you don't...anymore?" "I... I thought it is what you wanted..." I replied. No idea why that would have been an explanation for why I had come here. "No..." he said and I finally looked up. He looked over to me now. Big brown eyes, a little sad. Still beautiful. Still so damn beautiful. "Oh" OH! My head had been right. Georgia had been wrong. He didn't want me. Nobody wanted me. I was such an idiot, I should've just...
"I mean, sure, yes, of course, but also... not like that..." he added and again I looked at him. His lips were pressed together when he sat up as well, his elbows on his knees, his hands in his hair in despair. "But... why...what is it you want then?" I asked after a while when I was sure my voice wasn't a mere mess of shakiness and squeaks anymore.
It was quiet for a few moments while he was thinking. And finally, he sat up straight, looking up, putting his head back. His eyes were closed. "I... wanted to take you out for dinner."
My first reaction was silence. The second to grab a pillow from behind me to hold on to it. All while still staring at him. Eventually, Jin opened his eyes again and looked at me. But I had shut down apparently, the only sign that I was awake the fact that my eyes were open wide and my mouth was slowly turning o-shaped. Finally, I let out a little huff. Excuse me? "Dinner?" I asked and he nodded. "Really?" He shrugged, then nodded again. "Why?" Now he looked at me surprised. "Because... well, I like you."
I blinked. For some reason that was an option that had never even entered my mind, no matter how many explanations I had made up in my mind all day. "But... you don't know me." Jin just nodded, his cheeks only turning a darker shade of pink. "I know that. I know it doesn't make any sense. And I am sorry if that makes you uncomfortable." He was apologizing. Apologizing after I had just turned up to basically jump him. What was happening? Jin was about to keep talking when I just blurted out an "I think I like you as well." "What?" "I mean... I don't know you either. I just like you."
And there it was. My explanation. It didn't make any sense. Because we really didn't know each other. That's maybe why I had always ignored the idea of liking him. I could admit to myself that I thought he was hot without knowing him. But... not that I liked him. That I had a huge crush on a guy with a pretty face who had been mean to me for no reason. But it was true.
Now Jin was the one staring at me. Utter disbelief clearly displayed on his face. "But I thought you hated me." he said. "No. I mean. Maybe. Maybe I thought I kind of hated you because you were so mean." He looked down at the mattress and nodded after a while. "I'm sorry about that." "But why..." "Because I am an idiot." "Pretty sure I am an idiot as well." When I said that he finally smiled. And it made my heart ache. An beat so fast that I could feel it in my throat. And panic rose again. "I should go."
I didn't actually want to. But I just couldn't deal anymore, it was too much. He didn't say anything, I was pretty sure he didn't even move when I got up and just walked out of the door. Across the hallway, down the stairs. Nobody saw me so nobody noticed how messed up my hair was or that Jin's lips had left clear marks on my throat. I didn't stop until I was back at the Airbnb. Georgia and Ollie weren't home yet. Nobody kept me from going straight to bed and crying my eyes out after covering my face with the blanket. What the fuck was wrong with me.