„Are you sure about this?" Jimin asked, but I could see what he wanted the answer to be. His eyes were sparkling. „Yes, she is sure, god damn it." Georgia answered for me. Both of them were holding big strands of my hair in their hands while Hobi stood next to them, a huge grin on his face but also a bit of distance between him and us as if it was saver that way. As if he could later raise his hands and just say „Hey, wasn't my idea, wasn't my fault."
„Everyone, step. back. from. her chair!" Hairstylist Noona was proving to be the coolest Big Hit employee once more. Her eyes were on me now. „Okay, are you sure?" I nodded, even though there was a tiny bit of doubt somewhere in me. But by then she had already let her scissors glide through my hair and I could hear gasping form the other's, but also excited clapping. I hadn't gotten a haircut since I left the UK and even then it had almost reached elbow level. Not anymore. I had wanted to be brave and cut it short short, but after stylist Noona had asked me whether I wanted to get my hair cut in between things she had to do… I had said yes, but then opted for the less extreme version. A long bob. Seconds after she was done she had taken a straightener for somewhere and was working her magic.
„Do you really hate it?" Hobi asked while the four of us were walking down a hallway, me ahead, steady pace, not really happy to admit that I did. „I think I do." „Why didn't you say anything?" „What is she supposed to do…glue it back on? It was my idea. And now I look like a little boy." We shared a glance when I stopped and I guess they saw what I meant. Me with my now incredibly straight hair, it just felt flat and the proportions compared to my face were - as I was used to - all wrong. „It's super cool." Jimin tried to argue. „You look like a model. It's… trendy…" I just growled. I wasn't a model. Or particularly trendy. „No, he is right." Georgia finally argued and stepped forward. „This is probably the best hairstylist to ever touch your hair and she gave you a haircut only someone with the matching outfit and attitude can pull off. We need to fuck this up a little." She turned around and looked at the two boys. „Hair products anyone?" They seemed confused. „Okay, I know one of you two has something in their bag. A… wax or spray or creme, I don't care." Now they were both looking for it. It was weird to see how somehow they both seemed to just do what Georgia demanded, what a weird dynamic.
What followed was another makeover. Soon everyone had had their hand in messing up my hair and I kind of expected to look like I had driven through a tunnel in a cabriolet but when I looked up into a mirror… it wasn't bad at all. I actually kind of liked it. „Like Emma Stone…" Jimin said and my mouth dropped open. Because, no, that was a flattering but simply not true comparison, but definitely a good thing to hear. „Can you do a cat eye?" Hobi asked Georgia and she just nodded, sat down and started working on my face with eyeliner out of her own bag. What was this? The Princess Diaries? I was about to text Namjoon wad I had done when one of the guys took my phone away. „Don't ruin a good surprise moment!" So apparently they were aware of what they were doing as well, but who cared as long as they were having fun… I guess I was kinda having fun as well and I had to admit that everything they did worked. „We need a black dress and high high heels." Georgia murmured once she was done and I just shook my head. „No. Absolutely not. Guys, it is the middle of the day and you have a press conference later, so you should have better things to do. Also… where would I even go in that outfit…" Eventually, I convinced them that we didn't need to search through all my clothes, but still… in the end I thanked them. Because without them I would have probably taken a while to see that I wasn't doomed to helmet hair for a while just because I wasn't used to this hair cut.
When I stepped outside a while later the sensation of feeling the wind on the skin on the back of my neck was so foreign and so not the same as having your hair tied together in a ponytail. It felt good, even though the weather in LA had at first depressed me more than anything. Yeah, it was California, but going from South African summer to LA's beginning of February was something that simply took a moment to get used to. I had indeed changed for the press conference, but I wasn't wearing the dress in demand. Heels. A black pantsuit and a silver blazer. Okay, so maybe it wasn't the black dress they had asked for but I had given them my best to match the new badass haircut.
We gathered in front of the cars in the parking lot and some people made comments, mostly nice ones. Joon was late and basically sprinted out of the elevator towards us. The group split up between cars and Namjoon made his way to me, we hadn't seen each other all day, the back of his hand brushing mine, even before looking up. I couldn't help but smile when he seemed a bit overwhelmed by looking at me and I just knew at least Hobi was watching us because he lived for moments like this. Namjoon's face was so confused, for a second he looked as if he was scared he had touched the wrong person's hand. His eyes flickered back and forth between what I was wearing, Georgia's excellent makeup, but then stayed with my hair. And at some point, the wait for a reaction was just too long. The truth was that while I didn't need Namjoon to love the new hair cut, I wasn't sure how I felt about the now forming idea that he didn't like it. We got in the car, sat together in the back seat of the van and he was still looking at me, taking in every detail. My smile had faded. „Okay… shit. So you hate it." „What?" „I mean… I don't need compliments or anything, but now I am actually a bit scared you will look at me like that all the time." He was quiet for a second and then looked around, checked who was in the car with us, whether the car had tinted glasses, something that someone like Namjoon had simply gotten used to. And then kissed the nape of my neck. To my surprise, his lips stayed there longer than I had expected. His hair was tickling the side of my face. Eventually, he came back up and smiled at me. „You look amazing, Ollie. You look incredible." I stared at him for a few moments, checking his eyes for any sign of a lie. But he seemed to mean it. So I dropped the face I had been pulling and just sighed in relief. And then smiled. „Do YOU not like it then?" He asked, catching a strand of hair between his thumb and index finger. „I do… I didn't at first, but now I do. I just…" I pressed my lips together and then looked at him. „I might care a little too much about what you think." Namjoon was trying to hide his smile. „It's more important what you think… but you know that and if it helps… you look beautiful." He turned his head. „AND I AM AWARE THAT YOU ARE LISTENING, SO STOP GIGGLING." Joon used his knee to bump into the seat in front of us, which made Jimin only giggling harder. „He actually held my hand while my hair was being cut." I explained. „And told me to go blonde." Now Namjoon's eyes widened. „And?" „I don't think so." „Thank god!" Now I was laughing. „So short hair is fine, but blonde isn't?" „No, you can do whatever you want of course." He said, but it was very clear he wasn't a big fan of the idea. „I just… would really miss the red." „Says the guy who is dying his hair every few weeks." „Well… not really up to me, is it?" I laughed again and gently patted his thigh. „It's not like I really have ever seen your natural hair colour… I think." „Not really." His hand was still in my hair on the back of my head. I smiled at him. And stopped myself from giving him a kiss. Hopefully, the press conference was the last point on our itinerary for tonight. Namjoon was also smiling but then leaned back in his seat, sighing. „I'm a little nervous." „Because of the press conference?" „No, because of tomorrow." „Because of the concert? Didn't see that coming…" „No… because of after the concert." I looked at him, my eyebrows furrowed. „What is after the concert?" He shrugged and then looked at me with a look I couldn't quite read. „Because of who is coming?" My eyebrows slowly moved up again. „Oh…you mean… my parents?" He just nodded, smiling a little, somewhat uncomfortable. „Joon, it's fine, they are cool." „Yeah, you said that, still…"
We had arrived and people started shuffling around so we stopped talking and got out of the car instead. But what he had said was still on my mind so when I got to the dressing room an hour later I saw Namjoon sitting in a chair already fully styled. Quitely I stepped behind him and smiled at him. „Did you mean it? You really this nervous?" Joon looked up from his phone, shrugged, but then nodded. „Yeah. A little. Haven't really… met a girlfriend's parents yet." I kept looking at him and started laughing a little. Joon looked pissed for a second, pouting and somewhat surprised. „That is funny to you?" „Nooo." I said and put my hand on his shoulder. „It's not that. I just… wasn't aware I was...your girlfriend." Namjoon opened his mouth a little but didn't say anything while he realized what he had just said. „Well… are you not? Kinda figured you were…" I couldn't help smirking, then shrugged. „You never asked…" My heart was fluttering. It wasn't like this was an important talk to me really, we both weren't seeing other people or anything. But teasing him was too much fun. Namjoon was chewing on his upper lip, hiding a smile and I just walked away, to the other side of the room and sat down on the couch. Tried not to chuckle. But basically, as soon as I got my phone out to check the time Joon had already texted me.
Namjoon: [12:39 AM] Come one. You really going to leave me hanging like this?
Me: [12:39 AM] :D You have to ask!
Namjoon: [12:40 AM] UGH!
Namjoon: [12:40 AM] Okay, whatever. Will you be my girlfriend?
Me: [12:40 AM] A text doesn't count
Namjoon: [12:40 AM] You are horrible.
Namjoon: [12:41 AM] Ollie, come on. Simple yes shall suffice.
I grinned and saw Joon watching me through the mirror. He sent me another message, just my name and a couple of exclamation marks. „Nope!" I just said out loud, loud enough for him to hear across the room. „Ollie, just… say it." „No." „Please." „Nooo." „Okay whatever, please be my girlfriend!"
I looked up in surprise, the room had gotten very quiet. It had me grinning. „Okay okay. Yeah. Yes. If you insist." Namjoon rolled his eyes but then smiled. There was some laughter from the others and Kookie looked more than confused. „I thought she already was your girlfriend." I snickered while I got up. „I guess I was. But this was fun." Namjoon tried to look away, but when I planted a kiss on the top of his head he took one of my hands over his shoulder and squeezed it. I was basically breaking my own rules here big time, but it had been worth it. Also, no one was here apart from the boys and Georgia. Who was looking at us just as amused. „Good luck later, boyfriend." „Go away." „Okay, boyfriend." „I hate you." „No, you don't." „No, I don't." Yoongi was making vomiting noises again in the chair next to Joon so I let go and got on my way. Basically grinning all the way to the big conference room.
SUE When we got to the US things got a lot more hectic. There were people waiting whenever we arrived somewhere and the schedule was so packed that I couldn't sleep the first night we were in LA because I was worried. After a few days, Australia and especially South Africa seemed like a distant memory. Maybe it had never happened. Thinking about it… that was somewhat of a more likely option anyway. Except for it had happened and I had somehow dealt with it without making a COMPLETE fool of myself, so there was that.
In the evenings I had joined the others for there little get-togethers by the pool almost every night. There was a fire pit and laughter and music and everyone seemed so relaxed for once. Which was good. Everyone travelling with us, no matter what job title they had was usually very busy, but in those few days at the villa, everyone relaxed. We didn't shoot. Which meant no one had to be scared to be filmed. I saw Georgia, Hobi and Kookie having a little play fight on top of an air mattress in the pool, which ended with all of them in the water laughing. Yoongi was playing the guitar. Stylist Noona was making out with some manager in the back of the garden on a lounge chair. Namjoon and Olivia were sharing stolen kisses when they thought no one was watching. And I sat there on the steps between the house and the pool, glass of Gin and Tonic in my hand, the air still warm enough even though it was night time and it felt good. All of it. I would never be the centre of attention at these things. But I wanted to be nowhere else.
Was Stylist Noona drunk? Because when I looked over at where she was sitting she had put her arms around the manager's neck and they were full-on making out. I only noticed Jin walking past them, hands deep in the pockets of his jeans and looking just as surprised when our eyes met. From across the pool, he wiggled his eyebrows at me and then pointed to the next lounge chair next to the couple as if to invite me. I didn't panic, I knew he meant it as a joke, so I smiled at him but shook my head. He pretended to be disappointed but then grinned as well, finally slowly walking over and then sitting down next to me.
„What are you drinking?" He asked after a while, looking down at my glass. I looked down as well and then rolled my eyes. The cucumber slices had probably given me away. „Gin…" I finally replied and he grinned, resting his chin in his palm. „Oh. So would you say you like Jin?" I closed my eyes for a second, still smiling, put my glass down and looked at him. He simply turned his face towards me slowly, all innocent, apparently very happy about his little joke. „Yeah. But Gin knows that already." How could the corners of his lips rise even more? „True but Jin just likes hearing it. Especially because he doesn't know how to act around you." I took a deep breath. „Gin has been doing a pretty good job so far…" He nodded and then said nothing and I was a little relieved that he didn't ask more and at the same time the silence made me nervous at first. Because I was scared of what would follow but eventually I realized that he - maybe just like me - didn't feel the need to always talk. There was definitely this side to him, but as I had learned… Jin - just like Gin - could be versatile.
„How is your knee?" He asked after we had been sitting there for a while, watching the others. Laughing about Hobi floundering into the pool. „Good. Fine. Wasn't bad at all." „And the arm?" I lifted the sleeve of my dress a little and showed him the scratches. Wasn't pretty but at least it didn't itch anymore. Jin inspected it and then nodded. „Don't ever do something like that again, my heart almost stopped. In my mind, I can still see you almost tumbling down that mountain…" He was shaking his head now as if to get rid of the memory.
I was watching his profile while he looked into the darkness of the garden. Fighting the urge to get closer. There was something about him that sometimes made me want to just forget that this was not a good idea. For so many reasons. Because he was famous and a colleague/boss of mine and apparently a womanizer and had been a dick to me at first. But now all I could see was this guy who seemed to instinctively know how to deal with me, who was quiet and gentle and had the nicest lips I had ever seen. And just when my head was about to spin out of control he did something I had not seen coming at all. Without looking at me he just leaned his head to the side until it was on my shoulder. Which considering our height differences meant he had to crouch down quite a bit. For a second I just sat there completely frozen. But eventually, I let out a little audible sigh and pushed my head to his shoulder instead, his cheek against the top of my head now. We just sat there. Nothing else happened. We just sat there and I allowed the thought that he actually liked me to take over for a few seconds. That this wasn't a spiel to get me into bed (which had almost worked). That it didn't mean he maybe liked me but wouldn't be interested in a few weeks anymore… I didn't think about the many many scenarios I had made up late at night in bed of how he would get bored of me as soon I spent time with him. Maybe this was good. Maybe he actually liked me. Doubts came back of course. Later that night when he wasn't right next to me anymore. Even more the following morning. But the thought never went away completely. I caught myself checking where he was. Walking next to him when I wasn't thinking.
„You seem to be in a better mood…" Olivia mentioned out of nowhere when we were on the plane to Los Angeles for what seemed like two days. I nodded hesitantly. It wasn't that I didn't want to share things with her, but I was scared to have even more eyes on us, I had already been a little paranoid when I had found out that apparently everyone had noticed the way Jin looked at me. I saw her smile, she didn't keep digging though.
And then we arrived in the US and everywhere we went it was loud and full and all teams seemed stressed and tense. Sometimes I just closed my eyes on the bus and tried to think of the sounds of South Africa at night. Cicadas and the wind and Yoongi playing the guitar. It only helped a little.
The worst crowd of people waiting was the one the night before the first LA concert after we got back from the big press conference. They weren't there for me of course, they couldn't have cared less and still, I felt almost claustrophobic getting out of the car and into the hotel. When we walked across the lobby I fell behind, catching my breath. I noticed Jin turning around and then waiting for me. „You okay?" I nodded while we stood in the elevator together. „Getting used to it." Okay, was a bit of a lie, but he didn't seem to believe me anyway. When we stopped in front of my hotel room door, Jin seemed deep in thought. Finally he sighed. "Just... le me know if I can do anything to make it better?" I nodded shyly. "Why do... It's so nice of you to look out for me. I wish I could make up for it." I closed my eyes almost right away after the words had left my lips. Why... would I say it like that? What a harmless sentence, but Jin and I were both grinning now because it sounded so wrong standing in front of a hotel room. "What I mean is... I guess..." What did I want to say? My head felt so empty all of a sudden and my mouth dry. "I guess I like Jin even more than Gin."
He just looked at me, I could see his Adam's apple bop slightly when he swallowed. And there it was again... whole patches of red across his throat and his cheeks. I had never seen anyone flush so hard so quickly. How could he fake that? If nothing else... that had to be real, right? All of a sudden I felt such a strong urge to hug him that I just did. My arms around his hip, my face in his chest. He was quite a bit taller than me and hesitated to move his long arms around my shoulders but when he did it was as if I was drowning in his hug. Jin's head was on top of mine and he didn't move, I didn't move, it felt so good we just stood there. Only when we heard voices down the corridor we let go right away.
I felt like fleeing again, but forced myself to look at him with a smile this time when I said "Good Night." Jin had buried his hands in his pockets and nodded. "Sleep well" he said, his voice a bit hoarse.
As soon as I was on the other side of the door I dropped my incredibly heavy backpack. How the hell was I supposed to think of anything else but those big brown puppy eyes or those plush lips... UGH.