Amphora7cipher your wish is my command. ;) But really, thank you! Much appreciated!

By the time we got to Canada Namjoon's shoulder got so bad that he was always sleeping when he wasn't performing. But by then tour life had definitely also gotten to me, I caught myself almost falling asleep while in front of my computer twice one night. While the rest of the tour and the correlating shoots for RUN had been going pretty well, for some reason in Canada about everything that could go wrong went wrong. Partially it wasn't anything we could have seen coming, but I also made mistakes. Because I was tired and frustrated and worried. I tried to compensate by staying up late, fixing things, but of course that only partially made it better. Noone stopped me though, because the rest of my team was doing the same and Namjoon was too exhausted to drag me to bed. I was aware of what I was doing but the responsibility was wearing so heavy on my shoulders that I kept going anyway. Only when we finally were on our way back to Seoul I let go, slept almost the entire flight and got out of the plane a little lightheaded and hungry. There was a car waiting for Namjoon to be taken to a specialist and even though I kind of wanted to join I couldn't get into that car in front of everyone. So I went back to my apartment, which smelled of stale air after all that time… also trash. Apparently, I had thought about bringing the garbage outside before leaving but then forgot it next to the door. Annoyed I brought it downstairs after opening all windows and then collapsed on the couch.

I knew it was mostly the fact that I was exhausted but for some reason, I felt horrible when really I should have been happy to be able to enjoy a couple of days off. But all I could think about was the Canada footage and Namjoon's shoulder. I considered calling a couple of people at Bighit to ask about plans to start editing but then decided to do it tomorrow. After a few calls and texts that I had gotten back to Seoul safely, I just went to bed... apparently I still hadn't had enough. I woke up around midnight, confused and jet lagged. My phone had been silenced so I had completely missed Namjoon getting back home. Calling. And then texting.

Namjoon: [6:24 PM] Call me?
Namjoon: [7:49 PM] I guess you are asleep. 3
Namjoon: [9:12 PM] Okay so I should just wait to tell you tomorrow but I just can't, I have to get it out…
Namjoon: [9:18 PM] It's worse than they thought. Nothing tore or anything, but is about to. They told me I have to keep my arm still for a month.
Namjoon: [9:21 PM] Shit
Namjoon: [9:22 PM] I am so confused and overwhelmed and… a whole month…
Namjoon: [11:02 PM]Just call me when you see this, okay?

My heart was heavy. And now at least I knew that it was for a good reason. As if I had seen this coming without knowing what it was. People got hurt, especially people who were doing so much physical exercise as Namjoon. And a month might have been nothing to other's, but to him, someone who had been pretty much working non-stop since he was a teenager…

I also knew that it had to be serious if BigHit was telling him to stay low for a whole month.

The last message had only been sent half an hour ago and for a second I thought about calling, but instead I grabbed a couple of things, got into a cab and went over to his place. It didn't take that long because of the time of day, but still too long for my taste. By the time I walked into Joon's apartment it was after 1AM and the lights were off. Quitely I walked into his bedroom, found him asleep in his bed. Quickly I took my jeans off and crawled into bed with him. Normally he wouldn't have woken up from that, but maybe he hadn't been asleep for too long, because he turned his head, before I moved my arms around his body from behind, gently kissing the back of his head. „I am so sorry, I feel asleep." I murmured. He just shook his head, let out a sad sigh and his head fall back into the pillow.

„Are you okay?" I asked, sitting up a little so I could look at him.

He nodded quickly. Then shook his head.

I wanted to tell him that it would be okay. That it was better to rest now than live with the consequences for years. Yoongi's shoulder had gotten so bad a couple of years ago and still he had postponed a surgery. I didn't want him to have to go through either of that.

„The promo…" he murmured.

My hand was in his hair.

„They can deal with it on their own. It's better than cancelling shows, don't you think?"

He sighed again and nodded, but I could tell that while he knew I was right… it still didn't feel right.

„How are you feeling right now? Are you in pain?"

He shook his head and then turned around until he was lying on his back. Looking up at me. I had never seen this look on him. Vulnerable to a point where it was quite obvious that he was scared.

„Baby…" I murmured almost shocked and touched his cheek. „I really mean it, it's going to be okay. These things… suck but you can't go on like this."

Namjoon closed his eyes and for a second I thought he would cry, but he didn't. I wasn't sure whether I should say something or the opposite. Eventually I lay down next to him, one arm around his stomach. Even though we were jet lagged and exhausted it took a while until we fell asleep. And even though he didn't say anything… I knew he just wasn't okay.

"I don't know exactly what happened, but I have an idea. And if you aren't interested anymore - that is fine. I just wanted to tell you that I hope you don't reduce me to that one side of me. I have many...and I think at least some of them are great! Ha! I know I should probably tell you this in person but I am scared... also it gives you an out. If you want me to leave you alone - again, totally fine *sound of heart breaking* - that is okay. Just ignore me for a while and I will get the hint. But... maybe you can give me another shot - on whatever - just... tap my arm or something, yeah? And I will leave you alone until then or forever, I don't know what I am writing, I just needed to do SOMETHING.
- GIN"

I read the note twice. Then a third time. My mouth was dry.

When Jin had handed it to me in the hallway without looking at me properly I had almost been scared to read it. Who wrote notes anymore anyways? But then also the way he had not looked into my eyes had made me believe the note was full of insults - which was mad, but had just happened. After I had read it, alone, in a bathroom stall, just in case I would start crying, I was relieved. Nervous, but relieved.

Had he actually understood what had scared me? When he had looked at me when Lauren had visited he had looked shocked, maybe even a little guilty. He didn't have to be of course but it made me believe he maybe had understood was had scared me off. Which only made me blush, even though I was alone. Him thinking I was a prude wasn't what I wanted either. Even though I was... maybe? I wasn't sure. I had been in two long term relationships before and they hadn't been boring or anything. But then again they probably would have been to someone like Jin.

It wasn't the only thing about getting closer to him - boring him in bed. It was the thought that I would soon bore him - full stop. I had no idea why he thought he liked me, but something deep inside of me was sure that he didn't actually. Couldn't really once he would get to know me properly. In my mind, he was a good guy, but one that didn't know what he was doing.

My eyes skimmed over his letter again. He had basically asked me to not judge his character before I had gotten to know it... but that was exactly what I had been doing. Out of self-protection, sure, but I had still done it. Sitting on the closed toilet seat I carefully folded the little note and pushed it into the pockets of my jeans. Deep breaths. Deeep breaths.

Ten days had passed. A glorious week off and then back to work for a couple of days before it was the weekend again. I finally felt like myself again and I could see it in everyone's face as well, finally awake, finally smiling. Now that we had rested what remained of tour life was the good memories. Maybe it was the body filtering information in order for us to be able to do it again. Like giving childbirth. Who would do that again if they remembered the pain and horror clearly?

I shook my head slightly to get myself back to reality. Wow. Comparing tour to childbirth. How the hell had that happened.

"I'm making pizza so you should definitely come." were the first of Georgia's words I actually listened to.

"For everyone? That is a lot of Pizza!"

"They have like two ovens, it will be fine."

I looked at Georgia from the side, not sure why she was doing this, I had never seen her cook before but maybe she just liked the idea of throwing a party, even if it was a pizza party.

"Please come? Pleasseee..." Georgia's arm was around me now and her pleading tone was somewhat flattering. She wanted me there. Which won me over and I nodded.

"Great. Maybe swing by early and help me?"

I couldn't help but laugh, then sighed. "Yeah. Sure."

Of course...

I had been to their apartment before but getting inside, even though security let me through without any problems was nerve-wracking. Did they have images of all people that were okay to come in taped next to the security cameras? Surely they didn't let just anyone in. But instead of that making me feel good it just added to my nervousness. I tried to calm myself on the elevator ride up. I was here because Georgia wanted to make pizza. But of course, she was nowhere to be found when I came inside. The person who had opened the door actually was a housekeeper who was dragging a whole bunch of dress shirts towards a room now, which looked like they had just gotten back from the dry cleaner. She told me she had seen Georgia earlier but that had been a while. She was probably in Jungkook's room - and then with a wink, half annoyed, half amused - that she wasn't sure whether I wanted to go in there right now. Great. So I just stood there a bit lost in the entrance, the woman left me alone so I just closed the door behind me and then took off my shoes. I had been here before. But it had been a while and it had been for work, now this felt very different.

When I turned a corner and got into the open kitchen area I froze for a second. The scene in front of me really shouldn't have surprised me, but somehow did. Jin, his face and half of his apron covered in flour, busy at work chopping up some sort of sausage. He looked annoyed, also concentrated, but mainly annoyed. I let out only a very quiet "Hey" because somehow it seemed wrong to surprise a person while chopping so intensely. He looked up when he saw me his face lost all control for a second. I thought I saw a smile but at the same time, he looked down again, then up. "Hello."

After I had placed a bottle of wine I had brought out of courtesy on the counter I looked over the surface in front of me. Several bowls with chopped up ingredients and what looked like a battlefield of flour and dough pieces. "So I assume she asked you for help and then disappeared."

Jin sighed, let go of the knife and then pushed both of his hands through his hair. My mouth opened slightly because I wanted to warn him of all the flour, but it was too late already. "I really don't know why I am doing this. I don't even like pizza that much. Okay, not true, I like all food. But why the hell does she want to make pizza herself instead of ordering it and then goes off to..." He was gesturing towards what I assumed was Kookie's room. "You know..."

I just nodded.

"Need help?"

"No, we should just let her take care of it when she comes back."

I chuckled. "We both know we will do it anyway..."

He sighed again. "Okay, sure."

Without many words we got to work, me slicing up ham and peppers, then onions until I was crying. Jin handed me kitchen paper because my mascara was anywhere.

The quiet wasn't uncomfortable and for a while, we just worked silently. I felt peaceful, but there was this strong pull inside of me. Like my body knew exactly where Jin was and wanted me to step closer. I didn't. But wanted to.

"Thank you for the note." I eventually said and he nodded without looking up. And then we kept cutting like nothing had happened. When we had prepared more than enough pizza toppings, Jin checked for the dough in the fridge, which had nicely risen. I had seen Yoongi earlier, carrying around a lot of equipment, but apart from that, the apartment was still quiet. At some point Georgia and Kookie showed up, red in the dace, giggling, Georgia thanking Jin seventeen times but then declaring that she needed a shower and they both disappeared in the bathroom.

Jin looked like he was about to murder someone.

"Who am I... their mum? Because then I should forbid overnight guests from now on..." he murmured while spreading dough across a surface and cutting it into backing sheet size pieces.

I really felt for him but at the same time his angry face was kind of cute, so when I assisted him by grabbing whatever he needed I moved my hand towards his arm. It wasn't necessarily a tap like he had mentioned in the note, because for that my hand stayed on his arm for too long, but he got it. Froze for a second before moving his head to look down at me. I tried to smiley shyly, surely my cheeks were already blushing, but eventually, he smiled as well.

"Are you sure?" His voice sounded husky and I just nodded slowly. Now he really couldn't hide a wide smirk, but instead of rushing something, he went back to kneading.

When he was finally ready he looked a little exhausted... it was a lot of pizzas after all.

"I guess they can choose their toppings themselves and put it in the oven. I am sure now that we are done they will soon get here anyways."

I laughed and moved in closer to look at our work, while Jin - at the exact same time - carefully placed an arm around my shoulder. It didn't scare me for some reason, it felt nice. It wasn't much, but exactly enough.

"Looks good." I murmured and moved my arm around his waist, we stood there for a while, half hugging... The dough wasn't actually that interesting but I didn't want to let go yet.

We only moved after Georgia got out of the bathroom - now fully dressed, hair and makeup done.

"You guys are already done? I feel horrible, I wanted to at least help."

But for some reason Jin didn't seem to be mad anymore, just shook his head. "It's fine. We can pretend you did all that."

And he really let her. When the rest of the band, Ollie and some other friends arrived Jin didn't say a word when they complimented and thanked Georgie. She gave us a few side looks, probably fully aware that this wasn't really okay, but my body felt so light and happy, I didn't mind either. I couldn't say what exactly had changed. Maybe it was that I had actually listened to what he had asked, at least giving him a chance. Maybe it was just the fact that Jin's company made me feel good to a point where it almost blinded me. But for now, I decided it didn't matter and curiously enough my body let my brain or heart or whatever decide for once without going into panic mode.

A couple of hours later, after everyone had eaten, I found Jin in the kitchen again, loading the dishwasher, but this time I just took his hand and dragged him away from the machine.

"Absolutely not. Let her clean tomorrow. You are done for today."

Jin was laughing, but let me drag him back into the living room, sitting down next to me on the couch.

"Do... you think you can ask me one last time?" I asked and he seemed a little confused. "Or maybe... maybe I should. Jin, do you want to go to dinner with me?"

He seemed a little surprised but then smiled. "I guess that would be okay." I kind of wanted to hit his side for that, but didn't, just rolled my eyes.

I felt butterflies for the rest of the evening. As dumb as that sounded, it was such a good description. I was in such a good mood, everything was so light. I was constantly smiling.

Until I found Ollie crying in the bathroom.

Well. Not really. But she was stumbling out of it when I was heading to the toilet. Her cheeks were red. Her eyes as well. It was just too obvious. She was looking down, but I stopped and stood in front of her. „Hey… Ollie, what…" „Nothing…"

I could have just let her go. Maybe I should have if she didn't want to talk about it but the next second there were tears in her eyes and her shoulders dropped.

„Oh no…" I murmured and stepped forward, touching her arm because I didn't know what else to do.

„Did something happen? Your family?" - No idea where that thought came from, but I was still relieved when Olivia shook her head right away. Her hands were touching her face, as if that could stop the tears. „I am just… worried for Joon. It's nothing."

It wasn't nothing - of course it wasn't.

My thoughts were racing. What was going on with Joon? Sure. His shoulder. But wasn't he better now that he was resting? It had sounded like it was for the best. Wait… where was Joon? Damn. I had been so preoccupied with Jin that I hadn't even noticed Namjoon wasn't here. Oh no… where was he?

„What… what happened? Is he okay?"

Ollie nodded. „No, he is okay. He is at home. But that is kind of the problem. He hasn't left his apartment in…days. Weeks really by now. And I know he is just pissed to not be able to be productive but I am just starting to… I just have no idea what to do. He is grumpy all the time. And sad. And no matter what I do I can't fix it and now I am sad and grumpy all the time. So we get into stupid fights. I feel bad when I am with him and worse when I am not because I feel like I am leaving him alone. Seriously… today was the first time I had fun since we got back to Korea. But ughhhhh..." Her growl sounded incredibly frustrated. „Then I feel bad for even thinking about myself. It's just a couple more weeks. But what if his shoulder won't be better then…" She suddenly stopped talking, as if her own words were just too frustrating.

I stood there for a second, quiet, not sure how to respond to all that input. It was a lot. So I just hugged her. „I am sure you are doing your best. I am sure… you are doing everything in your power…" Ollie nodded against my shoulder. And was wiping the last tears away after we had let go.

„Do you want me to bring you home? Or just get out of here?" „No… actually that is the last thing I want to do. Sorry. I don't mean because of you, thank you, really. But… it's nice to be around people." I nodded and then tried to smile. „I know where Jin hides ice cream in the freezer? He showed me earlier. Not sure I should abuse that knowledge the same night, but it might help?" Ollie was smiling as well, even though half-heartedly she at least tried. „Worth a try."

When I left it was late, much later than I had planned. There weren't many people left in the living room, I still wanted to stay but my eyes kept closing.

„Do you need a coffee before you go? Or do you want to stay on the couch?" I hadn't noticed and almost flinched when Jin's hand touched my arm. I smiled at him, trying to hide the fact that I had almost yawned…again. „Or you can stay in my bed?" Surprised I looked up. „Well… alone. Without me. I could stay on the couch." He added quickly and the hint of a blush appeared on his cheeks. I giggled and he took a deep breath. „No, it's fine. I can take a cab. I just… I don't actually want to go?" He tried to not, but smiled. „Same. Could have gone to bed hours ago."

Silence, just us smiling like idiots. I got distracted for a second because Ollie - by now waisted like I had never seen here before - was dancing across the room, quickly followed by Hobi who was happy to have someone to dance with, before they moved on to the kitchen.

„Is she okay? She… drank a lot." Jin murmured, his chin on my shoulder. „I hope so." I murmured. „Can you make sure she stays? Don't think going home like this would be the best idea right now." „By home you mean Joon's place, hm?" I nodded. „I will."

We sat there for a while, finally I sighed and then got up. Fully aware that if I didn't leave now I probably wouldn't against my better judgement.

„Call me tomorrow?" I asked after he had walked me down to the street. He probably had realized that I was a little tipsy as well. He nodded and I closed my eyes for a second. Because I felt incredible and confused and tired. When I opened my eyes again I saw him studying my face, a big grin on his lips.

„I mean if you want to kiss me that bad… you can…" I knew it was a joke and yet the idea didn't seem that crazy anymore. I could. I wanted to.

But when I moved in his eyes opened wide.

„That was a joke."

I stopped, now a look of horror in my eyes.

„Oh. Shit. Sorry.

„No. I mean… Damn. Of course you can kiss me. I just didn't think you would. Or wanted to."

„Of course I want to."

But instead of just going for it we just stood there, both almost paralyzed before we started laughing at the same time.

When he hugged me my heart was beating against my chest, against his chest, I was still laughing. We didn't kiss that night. And still it felt like something had changed. He didn't scare me anymore. Or at least he only scared me… in a good way? He made me nervous, but in a way I wanted to be nervous.

On the cab ride I thought of Ollie and how much I felt for her. And how I finally felt like these people were my friends. And that I wanted to kiss Jin so badly but how the hug had been so much more meaningful.

Me: [2:12 AM] Hi
Jin: [2:14 AM] Hi
Jin: [2:14 AM] You miss me so much already? ;P
Me: [2:16 AM] Kinda.
Jin: [2:17 AM] Here have a picture of my face then.

I couldn't help but smile. If I had seen a scene in a movie with a girl staring longingly at a selca a guy had sent her I would have probably switched channels. But… ugh. he was so cute. And I did already miss him.

Me: [2:18 AM] I think you are great.
Jin: [2:20 AM] Good. Cause I've been trying really hard for you think I am great.
Me: [2:20 AM] =)
Jin: [2:21 AM] =) Sleep well.
Jin: [2:21 AM] You too.