A/N: Once again thank you all so much for your support! It's thanks to you that I keep publishing my stories, without you I'm not sure I would. Sure I'd wish to write a "real" book some day but here I know I get a response, and most often a positive one even when the chapter takes an unhappy turn. Hope you'll enjoy this chapter! Until next time, xxxx
Two months go by and nothing changes. She's still a robot for the most part of the day. She's still not able to keep herself from breaking apart when she's alone. Espo and Ryan have tried to detect what's wrong, but she hasn't let them in. Though she has a feeling they know it's something about her former shadow, at least they don't know what. And Lanie… Kate's been dodging every girls' night so far. But the medical examiner won't give up. She hasn't so far and Kate has a feeling the woman has the ability to keep on trying forever.
For the third time this week Kate just grabs an apple for dinner and sits down on the couch to start eating it while watching the news on the tv. She's off tomorrow but she's already planning on going to the precinct anyway, especially since she knows Captain Montgomery won't be in. He's at conferences all day which means she can work without him ever knowing. Of course there's the risk of someone telling on her, but she doubts they will. She takes a bite of her apple, feeling her mask start to tremble from the day as her brain slowly takes in the silence of her apartment. Even if the tv is on there's still this silence she can't get rid of and a part of her really, truly, regrets pushing him away. She can't believe she's still not over it, can't believe her eyes are watering right about now because of him. It's never taken this long to get over a past… lover. Not even her first boyfriend took this long. Which scares her even more because she'd thought that was real love, and if it wasn't and this hurts more then…
A few rapid knocks on her door makes her jump and she immediately starts to wipe away the water having run down her cheeks. She stands up to go and throw the rest of the apple in the trash before she goes to her door. Her heart is acting up because… what if it's him? What if he's as sick of this time apart as she is? What if…? She takes a deep breath and wipes under her eyes once again before she's opening her door, without the thought of looking through the peephole. Not him.
"Girl, you better tell me everything," Lanie says as she's brushing past Kate and walking into the apartment without as much of an invitation.
Kate immediately feels her body stiffen as she closes the door after her best friend. Fuck. She clenches her eyes shut, leaning her forehead against the door frame, and takes a few more deep breaths.
"Kate, come over here," Lanie says and when Kate doesn't move she hears her best friend closing in behind her. "Kate?" her voice is much softer now and it's only making it worse. "What happened? We haven't seen you like this since…"
Lanie's not finishing her sentence but Kate knows exactly what she's talking about. When they first started out as friends it hadn't taken long before they'd all seen her go down the rabbit hole with her mom's case. She had dug herself into her work, didn't talk to either of them about anything but the cases, always had an excuse for missing going out with them. Lanie had been the one to start questioning her, just like she is now, only this time she's calmer. Why?
Lanie's putting her hands on Kate's shoulders, caressing her arms for a bit before she pulls her into a way too comfortable hug. It makes Kate's eyes water again as she hugs her best friend back, slowly letting herself break in the presence of the woman who's dragged her into many deep conversations she never thought when they first met. Lanie just lets her break for a few minutes before she pulls her towards the couch. Kate sits down while Lanie goes to get some napkins and water for them to drink. Once they're both seated Kate feels her friend's eyes on her, observing her, like he did.
"So, tell me," Lanie says and Kate grunts while glancing up at her.
"I don't even know where to begin," Kate mumbles as she accepts the napkin.
"Easy," Lanie states. "Start from the beginning."
Kate sighs, and then she does.
Kate's dreaming about him. About when they were still together. About when they'd lay all day in bed, partially or fully naked. She also dreams about that day at the zoo, how amazing it had felt, how normal it had felt. God, she misses him. And it's not just his body, like she'd implied when she told him it was all just about the sex, she misses his mind at the precinct, she misses their small talks before, after and in between the sex.
"A penny for your thoughts?" he asked and she smiled, shaking her head.
"Not really thinking about anything, what about you?" she asked, raising her head from his chest in order to look at him.
"Well, I can't stop thinking about stars."
She wrinkled her forehead. "Why?"
He smiled at her and she felt her heart skip a beat. "I know this great place, just outside the city, and I think you'd love it there," he said with his smile getting wider.
She bit her lower lip, her mind starting to backtrack now that it started getting deeper. She shouldn't have asked.
"Don't worry, I won't drag you there unless you want me to. Just keep it in mind, in case you ever want to go stargazing," he said with a tender voice, making her shiver as his fingers trace patterns on her naked back.
"Okay, I will," she nodded and his eyes lit up with happiness.
Kate's memory fades into a dream about taking him to her father's cabin just to watch the night, the stars. Most likely because she has no idea what place he'd been thinking about when he said that. A part of her wonders if she'll ever know.
"Kate."
She starts to wake from the sounds of her name being whispered in the room. Her eyes flickering open to search for the woman behind the voice. Lanie.
"What?" her voice is raspy and she suspects it's from all the crying the night had offered.
"You should call him," Lanie says and she groans.
"No."
"Yes, or at least text him," her best friend says and Kate just shakes her head. Lanie sighs. "If you won't, I will," she threatens, making Kate sit straight up in her bed.
"No, you won't," she says and Lanie smiles. "Lanie," she groans. "I didn't tell you everything for you to…"
"For me to what? Ruin it? Honey, you're miserable. I'm sure he is too," she says and when Kate's eyebrows rise she continues. "Girl, I know you missed the looks he gave you but he's crazy about you, and despite your little act you're crazy about him too, that's why you feel the way you do. And the only way to fix that is to go and talk to him."
Kate feels her insides sink at the truth seeping through the words of her best friend.
"It's been two months, Lanie, he's most likely moved on," Kate says with a sigh of disappointment. "He doesn't want to talk to me, not after what I said." Not after how she pushed him away.
"Oh shush, I'm sure he'd love to hear from you," Lanie says and Kate puts her face into her pillow again. "Kate, come on, just give it a shot. What's the worst that could happen?"
Kate raises her head only to give her friend a look which makes her roll her eyes at her.
"I mean worse than it already is," Lanie clarifies and Kate groans.
"Maybe you're right," she mumbles and she hears the snort from her friend.
"Maybe I'm-of course I'm right!"
"Yeah," Kate sighs out before she's taking a deep breath and gets out of the bed to get dressed.
While she's doing that her mind keeps going back to their conversation last night. I felt nice not to be alone, but if she is honest with herself it isn't her best friend she craves to be beside her. Just like Lanie had said. Lanie had pointed out that the one who should be there was Castle, that Kate should just call him. Or better yet, she should go to him. Of course Kate hadn't really been in condition to leave her apartment to meet her old shadow. When she'd poured her heart out to her best friend, it had been impossible not to tell her everything, she'd been so exhausted that Lanie had guided her into bed and told her to sleep.
"I'm serious though. Kate, if you haven't at least tried to talk to him in the upcoming week I will talk to him myself," Lanie says as they go to the kitchen where they grabbed a light breakfast.
Yeah, she doesn't doubt she is.
Every day for five days straight Kate stears her feet towards his loft after work is over. Every day she changes her mind the second she sees his building and retreats as fast as she can. She knows she only has a few more days before Lanie makes the call but she just… it hurts. It's not like she can say just about anything, and she can't figure out what to say. It's too damn hard. And what if he won't even let her in? Worse. What if he has a girlfriend? He was known to sign women's chests so it wouldn't really surprise her if he'd found someone knew. It would hurt like hell but wouldn't surprise her. And she couldn't blame him either.
"Yo, Beckett!" She looks up at one of her coworkers. "Body," Esposito says and she nods.
She turns off her computer before taking her jacket and heading after her two partners. When Kate first sees the address of the body she doesn't think twice about it. It's not until she sees it's right at the corner of his loft that she starts to feel her belly turn in knots and her throat go dry. What if he walks by? She tries not to make it obvious that she keeps glancing around to make sure she doesn't miss him in case he does. She's not sure why though, if it's to be able to avoid him before he sees her, or if it's to be able to run towards him in case he does.
"Kate, have you gotten to him yet?" Lanie asks as soon as they're kind of alone and Kate gives the medical examiner a look. "What? No one's paying attention."
Kate sighs. "No, I haven't," she hisses under her breath.
Lanie mumbles something incoherent and Kate chooses not to ask her to repeat it. She has a feeling she knows the spirit of it anyway. She continues to focus on the case, looks around to see if she can see anything worthy of her time. LT finds the wallet for the victim and she takes a look at it before she's handing it back for him to bag it for evidence. Esposito and Ryan have gone off canvassing to see if they can find any witnesses and when Kate looks around and sees there's not really anything more to do she's walking off without so much as a word. She doesn't need anyone to know the exact time she went, and she doesn't need them to know where she's planning on going, not when she's not even sure if she's going to go through with it this time. She already failed five times.
As the door to his building comes closer she feels her breathing pattern change, it's faster and not as deep. She guesses this is the way it feels when anxiety kicks in.
"Hey detective Beckett, is he expecting you?" Eduardo asks the second he lays eyes on her and, fuck, now there's no turning back.
"Hi Eduardo, uhm no, I-it's a surprise," she says and he smiles at her.
"Well, welcome back," Eduardo says as he opens the door for her and she slips inside with a thank you.
She goes to take the stairs, she needs time to think and the only way she can is if she's taking her time going up there. It only feels like a second, before she knows it she's standing in front of his door with her heart in her throat as her mind is swirling with what to say. Maybe she should get out of here.