Chapter 21: You've Got a Friend
The morning air greets Sokka, frosty and cold, brisk like his walk. His cheeks feel raw, chapped from the wind, and his nose stings from the sharpness of the air. He rubs his hands together, breathing into his palms in an effort to ward off potential frostbite. Admittedly, it probably wasn't the best idea to leave his gloves behind today, but at least the friction offers solace from the otherwise biting cold outside.
Living in the Water Tribe again had made him forget just how cold Republic City could get in the winter - almost rivaling the poles - but the world seems keen on reminding him today, that's for sure. He looks up at the overcast sky and he notes that it's a bit too white to promise just rain. We wonders if they might see snow.
The walk from his apartment to Toph's is not very far, but the more often he makes it, the more tedious it gets. Not that he minds visiting her. Far from it… It's just – that extra 15 minutes spent walking there seems unnecessary. Like it'd be better spent with her, rather than trying to get to her.
It's a little silly. He's been living in his new apartment for the past month… or has it been two? No, three! ... and he still only has two or three pieces of furniture. A couch (doubling as his bed) and a dingy chair, for whatever company he has yet to invite over. He hadn't brought that much stuff back from the south, but what he does have remains stuffed in cardboard boxes, still waiting to be unpacked and serving as makeshift end tables in the meantime.
It's weird to be living as if he's some broke bachelor again, and of course his family (mainly Katara) doesn't really get why he's choosing to live this way. He may be a bachelor again, but he's certainly not broke, and he could easily afford to go pick up a mattress, at the very least.
But truthfully, he hasn't felt the need. He's hardly ever at his apartment anyway, and usually by the time he has the urge to decorate, he's already out the door. It may be where he sleeps, but it isn't home. Most of the time, when he's not working on his election campaign, he's either at the island or at Toph's place. And sure, perhaps it's a bit ridiculous not to be unpacked yet… but a part of him feels a bit reluctant to settle. Not that he plans on leaving the city again any time soon. Again, far from it.
But still. He wants to keep his options open… even if he's not quite sure what those options are.
Sokka turns the street corner and spots his go-to newsstand, his nose catching the warm scent of coffee through the bitter sting of the cold as he approaches. It's become routine for him to stop here, and he's made this trip often enough that the vendor has become an acquaintance of sorts.
"Morning, Don." Sokka steps up to the counter and gives the vendor a friendly nod. His breath streams up from his lips as he speaks, visible in the cold, "Two coffees please."
Don returns the nod, though it's not as friendly. His face is wrinkled and grouchy looking, his chin adorned with a scratchy beard to match an equally scratchy voice. He bites a cigarette between his teeth, not bothering to take it out as he speaks, "One with milk and sugar?"
"And cinnamon." Sokka reminds him, somewhat sheepishly, "The other black, please."
Don nods again before turning to make the coffees, wordlessly. Okay, so maybe he's not much of a conversationalist. Sokka's always down for making new friends, but he had quickly learned through his stops here that Don is not much of a people person. It's always the same. Don takes his order, makes the coffees and sends him on his way - not much small talk in between. Sokka's not even sure if he's ever seen Don so much as smile – always too busy holding that darn cigarette between his teeth. Heck, the only reason Sokka even knows his name is the little nametag on his shirt.
So, it surprises him when Don pushes the coffees towards him, then says, "So, you're running for office again."
It's more a statement than a question, but Sokka nods his head anyway, then plasters on a bright, schmoozing smile, "That's right, Sir. Hope we'll see you at the polls?"
But Don doesn't look too impressed. He takes a drag of his cigarette, finally taking it out of his mouth only to blow smoke in Sokka's face, "You're quite the charmer, aren't you?"
"Huh?" Sokka narrows his eyes, caught off guard by Don's cold tone.
Don nods his head to the right, gesturing to where the newsrack is, various newspapers and magazines stacked on top of each other. Sokka looks before he can think better of it, and what he sees is his own face staring back at him. And not just once. Instead, he sees about twenty or so versions of his face, all with different expressions and varying degrees of scandal. It's been a while since he's made the covers, but there he is. His face underneath various headlines, shouting at him in bold, black ink.
Crime on the Rise Again – Will your Taxes rise too? How the upcoming election affects you.
From the Poles to the Polls: Master Sokka Announces Return to Politics
This Week's Approval Ratings: Can the Avatar's Brother-In-Law get back to Law?
War Hero Returns - The Battlefield? His Marriage
A Marriage Gone South: Where did it all go wrong?
Current Affairs or Current Affairs – Sokka's Secret Love
Sokka shakes his head as he tries to quell the sudden annoyance tightening his gut. He gives the headlines one last scan - making a pointed effort to ignore the snapshots of Toph under one or two of them - before turning his attention back to Don. Sokka fishes in his pocket for some coins and lands them on the counter with a bit more force than he intends, meeting Don's grimace with his own, "Thanks." he says, dryly, "Keep the change."
Sokka grabs the coffees and leaves without another word, his mood somewhat dampened by the whole exchange. It's a bit weird to see his face in the papers again. Some of it is just harmless news, but most of it is gossip. He's certainly no stranger to politics, but he'd forgotten just how muddy it can get here in the city.
Down in the Water Tribe, of course people talk there too. But they do it behind your back, behind closed doors. Here in the city, if someone doesn't like you, they'll tell it to your face. The details of your life become public domain; your dirty laundry aired for all to see. And whether it's the public, the papers, or your rival candidate, someone will find a way to turn the most mundane aspects of your life into political scandal, giving something as simple as the way you breathe a catchy, twisted "spin". Sokka's not sure what's worse – to have people talk behind your back or to your (and everyone's else's) face. Regardless, being the source of gossip material is never fun. Being a war hero and a friend of the Avatar, it's not uncommon to be the topic of discussion, but getting involved in politics adds a whole new level of privacy invasion.
Thoughts of political mudslinging remind him of mudslinging in the more literal sense, and his mind shifts to thoughts of Toph (as it often does). It's been so nice to be back home, with her and with Lin, with Katara and Aang and his nieces and nephews. It's been nice. Spending most of his time with them again.
But… it's also been different. Toph has been different.
He's not quite sure what he expected to happen after moving back to the city. Did he expect to come back and have everything be perfect between them? Did he expect to come back and for him and Toph to just frolic into the sunset, holding hands? In hindsight… no, of course not. They had a lot to resolve before they could even think about resolving their feelings for each other. They still do.
But something holds them back, and somewhere between their moments of reconnection sits a big elephant-rhino, stubborn and awkward, hard to get rid of. Sokka is still not quite sure how to make that elephant-rhino go away, though if he's being honest, he knows he can't do it alone. He and Toph have to do it together, like they promised.
These thoughts stay with him as he walks the rest of the way to Toph's apartment complex, happy to get out of the cold as he lets himself in. He takes the stairs up to her floor, skipping every other step, careful not to spill the coffees. Her apartment is a lot nicer than the old, dingy one she used to live in, and the warm, homey hallways of the building's interior always makes Sokka feel welcome (and grateful that Toph moved when she had Lin).
Reaching her unit, Sokka balances the coffees with one arm as he sticks his spare key in the lock, giving it a quick wiggle and twist before opening the door. It opens with a bit of struggle though, and Sokka peers around to see the pile of jackets on the floor blocking his way in. He gives the door another, more forceful push and finally steps insides, only to find himself stepping on one of Lin's toys. He lifts his foot away, thankful that the toy didn't break, but his relief quickly turns to concern as his eyes scan the room.
It's a mess. Piles of cassette tapes sit stacked on various surfaces while Lin's toys litter the floor. Jackets and scarves lay in random places, haphazardly tossed aside. Frankly, it's hard to find a surface that isn't taken up by some amount of clutter.
Huh. It's a bit odd to see Toph's apartment so messy. Toph may be dirt's number one fan, but she's never liked clutter. And sure, her office at the station has been known to get messy from time to time, but it makes sense with all the paperwork coming in and out. Besides, even in her office, there's always been a certain level of organization to her chaos. What he sees now is just chaos, severely lacking on any semblance of organization.
Sitting amongst the chaos is Lin. Though, if the clutter bothers her, she doesn't show it. In fact, she seems perfectly content to be enclosed in her own mess of creativity, crayons and colored pages surrounding her on the floor. She wears an intense look of concentration that would be misplaced on any other five-year-old, but seems fitting for Lin. She doesn't seem to notice Sokka's presence as he approaches her, stepping over the odds and ends as he gets closer.
Sokka places the coffees on a nearby table (the only spot left to put anything) before shrugging off his coat, tossing it on the couch with all the other crap.
"Hey, Linny Bear." He says, trying to focus on the kid and not the clutter.
"Hi, Uncle Sokka." She greets, not looking up from her art.
Sokka crouches next to her, "What'cha got there, kiddo?"
"A drawing." Lin says, tapping her crayon on the page.
Sokka peers over Lin's shoulder at the colorful page. He smiles as he notes the sun drawn at the corner of the page – a ball of yellow and orange with triangular "rays" sticking out and a smiley face in the middle. A rainbow sits next to it amongst rounded clouds and linear birds to map out the sky. His eyes shift to the trio of stick figures just below, floating over the green lines that indicate grass. One of figures has spiky black hair and a belly that is perhaps a bit too round just yet, and appears to be holding a small brown object in its hand.
"That's mommy." Lin points to the figure's belly, "See, that's the baby."
"Well, of course it is!" Sokka smiles, then points to the object in the figure's hand, "And what's that she's holding?"
Lin laughs, as if it's obvious, "It's a rock!"
"Well, duh!" Sokka makes a show of smacking his forehead, "Why didn't I see that before? Of course, it's a rock."
Lin lets out giggle, "You're so silly, Uncle Sokka."
Sokka points to another, much shorter figure in the drawing, "Is that you?"
"Uh-huh!" Lin then moves her finger to the figure just beside it - one with a spiky brown ponytail and something in its hand that resembles a curved, blue banana. A boomerang, Sokka realizes, just as Lin confirms, "And that's you."
"You put me in there?" Sokka asks, unable to keep the awe from his voice.
Unaware of Sokka's amazement, Lin goes back to her drawing, coloring in a blue sky, "I'm drawing our family, silly."
Sokka blinks, unsure how to respond. He can't really say why a simple stick figure drawing of him means so much, but it does.
Too stunned to speak, Sokka simply watches as Lin finishes the sky. She puts her crayon down once she's done, then turns her head to look at Sokka, a bashful look on her face, "Do you like it?"
Realizing he's zoned out, Sokka forces his eyes away from the drawing to look at Lin. He tries to keep the strange emotion from in his voice, but to no avail, "I love it, Lin."
Her bashful eyes morph into a smile, and to Sokka's surprise, Lin holds the drawing out to him, "For you!"
Sokka blinks for another second, then moves to take the art from Lin, carefully. He holds the edges of the paper with delicate hands, as if it's made of glass, "Thank you, Linny Bear." He cradles the drawing to his chest, careful not to wrinkle it as he repeats, "I love it."
"You're welcome." Lin says, her attention already on a new drawing.
Sokka wipes the emotion brimming at his eyes, taking another moment to admire the drawing. Finally, he asks, "Where's your mom?"
"In her room."
"Is she asleep?" he asks, a hint of concern in his voice. Toph's normally awake by now.
Lin shakes her head, "Mommy doesn't sleep."
Sokka frowns, "What do you mean your mom doesn't sleep?"
Lin shrugs, her crayon moving on the page with a bit more force than before. Sokka frowns at this too. Despite her childish drawings, Lin has always been a bit too mature for her age, in Sokka's opinion. Whether it's just in her nature or whether it's a result of all the independence that Toph insists on giving her, Sokka can't say for sure, but it's something he's always noticed about her.
And ever since what happened to Toph – The Incident, as Sokka's been calling it in his head - Lin has not only shown signs her maturity, but her anxiety too. It was a traumatic experience for everyone involved, but especially for Lin. Seeing her mother like that – hearing her mom like that, crying in pain - well, it was the first time Lin had to realize that her mother isn't quite so invincible after all.
Sokka shakes the unwelcome memory from his head and instead forces a smile, "I'm going to go say hi to her. Can you do more drawings for me in the meantime?" He puts on a posh voice, trying to lighten his somber mood as he makes a show of stroking his goatee, "I want only the finest Beifong art for my house, please."
Lin offers another giggle at his expense, her own anxiety mollified a bit, "You got it, Uncle Sokka!"
Carefully, Sokka folds Lin's drawing and tucks it into the pocket of his pants for safe keeping. Standing up from his crouching position, Sokka gives Lin's hair one last ruffle before grabbing the coffees and turning to head towards Toph's room, but Lin's voice stops him once more.
"I love you, Uncle Sokka," she says.
Sokka turns back to face Lin, wondering, for moment, if he heard her correctly. He expects her to be looking at him, as if it's some big moment. As if she can understand the weight of her words and why they mean so much to him.
But she's not looking at him. She hadn't even looked up for her drawing. Because words and the meaning behind them don't hold any weight to a 5-year-old, they just are. That the beauty of kids, of innocence. Kids say how they feel in any given moment, no inhibitions or overthinking. They don't sugar coat. They say what they mean, as simple as can be.
"I love you too, Linny Bear." Sokka says, just as simply.
Using the crook of his elbow to wipe the moisture from his eyes, Sokka turns and starts down the hallway towards Toph's room. He quickly reaches the open doorway, but he pauses as his eyes finally land on Toph.
He finds her sitting cross-legged on her bed, a slew of cassette tapes surrounding her and a pinched, intense look of concentration on her face. It's the same concentrated look that Lin had on only moments ago, except there's an acute sense of stress behind it. She appears to be listening to one of the tapes, a pair of chunky headphones (one of her favorite recent inventions) around her ears.
Her hair is up in its typical bun, though much like her apartment, it's a lot messier than usual, strands of hair falling out in every direction. Sokka notes the bags of grey under her eyes, and the deep set of frown lines etched between her brows. Her back is hunched over, much less rigid and composed than her normal stature, and she wears a set of baggy pants and a loose-fitted robe that hides her small, but apparent baby bump.
Sokka's eyes skim the rest of the room, taking in the stack of dirty dishes sitting on Toph's bedside table and the pile of laundry that's perhaps a bit too high for a responsible adult. He sighs, bracing himself before stepping into her room. Based on the mess and the tired look in Toph's eyes, Sokka can already guess that today is one of her bad days. That's what he's been going by lately. Good days – where Toph is laughing and joking and shows signs of her old self. And bad days, where the old Toph disappears, replaced by a shell-shocked, spaced-out version of someone he can't recognize. Most days - thankfully - are good. But the bad days are bad, and even the good days have their bad moments.
Sokka approaches the bed, hesitating for a moment before sitting down on the edge of the mattress, careful not to disturb the piles of cassette tapes strewn across the bed. Toph must not have realized he was there, as she flinches when the mattress dips under Sokka's weight. Startled, she quickly takes off her headphones and presses pause on the cassette player, her hand flying up to chest, as if to calm her racing heart.
Despite her jumpiness, she quickly composes herself, and she must smell the coffee in his hands or something, as she knows who to greet, "Oh hey, Sokka."
"Hey." He nudges her knee with the coffee cup, so she knows to take it, "I hope you don't mind. I let myself in."
"Of course I don't mind." Toph takes the coffee and takes a gracious sip, a dry humor in her voice, "Why else would I give you a key?"
"Good point." Sokka huffs a nervous laugh. Nervous? Why is he nervous?
Toph offers a noncommittal hum, but doesn't add anything else, the room quieting as she takes another sip of her coffee. Sokka takes sips of his own, the added cinnamon a welcome flavor to his tongue. Hot steam rises from the lid as he breaks his lips away, and he takes another moment to indulge in the nutty scent.
Despite the mess, Toph's room somehow manages to feel cozy, a warm contrast to the cold outside. Her mattress is surprisingly soft for someone who likes sleeping on solid ground, and the quilt - while disheveled – has a silky, luxurious feel to it. Then again, Sokka has been sleeping on a couch for the past three months, so in comparison, of course Toph's bed would feel inviting.
Sokka blushes at the thought, catching on to the double meaning just a little too late. Distracting himself, he turns his head to glance out the window next to the bed, and sure enough, outside the frosty pane it's started to snow. It's just the barest hint of a flurry, at least for now, but it adds to the cozy atmosphere, fluttering down from the sky like droplets of memory. A dusting of nostalgia, reminding him of home. Or, err, his original home. This is home too, in more ways than one, and with Toph beside him, Lin's drawing in his pocket, and the snow falling like it does in the south, Sokka feels content. Like he has the best of both worlds. Like he's home.
"Hey," Sokka starts, breaking the silence, "I was thinking of taking Lin to the pro-bending match tomorrow, is that okay?"
He waits for Toph's response, but the distant look on her face tells him that she isn't listening. He taps her knee to get her attention, startling her again.
"Huh?" She asks, shaking away her daze.
"I asked if I could take Lin to the pro-bending match tomorrow," he repeats, patiently.
"Oh." Toph blinks, then offers a small, grateful smile, "Yeah, she'd liked that. Thanks."
"No problem," Sokka returns the smile, hopeful, "You know, you should join us. We can make it a fun day out!" he wiggles his brows, teasingly, "I'll treat my ladies to dinner. How does that sound?"
Toph's expression falls, her fingers drumming anxiously against her knee. Her voice is soft, but equally as anxious, "Thank you, Sokka, but no. I think I'll stay home."
"Come on, Toph," Sokka presses, "When was the last time you left this apartment?"
Toph narrows her eyes, "And what exactly are you trying to imply, huh?"
"Nothing," Sokka says, carefully, "Just, it might be good for you to get out and do something fun for a change. That's all."
Toph pauses, seemingly mulling it over. Sokka holds his breath, wondering if she'll change her mind, but somehow, he already knows she won't.
"I can't, Sokka," she says, regretfully, "I… I have work to do."
"Are you sure?" Sokka asks, one last attempt, "Work can wait."
They both know there's more to it than work, but Sokka also knows Toph would never admit it. Instead, she sighs, the exhaustion of her eyes reflecting in her voice, "I'm tired, Sokka. Can we please just drop it?"
Sokka lets out his own sigh, reluctant to let the subject go, but he relents, "Okay. If you change your mind, it's an open invitation."
"Thanks, Snoozles," she says, compensating with another small smile.
Another moment passes, sipping coffees and watching snow (on Sokka's part, anyway), before Sokka switches the subject, "Hey, not that I'm judging," he says, concern hidden by tease, "But can I ask what all the mess is about? It was clean the last time I was here."
"Sorry," Toph shrugs, clearly indifferent, "Like I said, I have work to do. I had Miki transcribe all the case files onto these tapes, so I've had my hands full. I keep forgetting to clean, I guess."
"Right," Sokka lifts his brow, skeptically, "Well, why do you have all this work to do anyway? I thought your lieutenant was supposed to be taking over for you."
"Cheng's only taking over the field work for me. At least until I go on 'official' leave." Toph says, a slight warning in her tone. "Hey, I'm pregnant, but I'm not crippled. I can still review these case files, at the very least."
"Okay, that's fair," Sokka nods, though he remains skeptical, "But don't you normally have today off anyway? We should do something together. The three of us."
Toph shrugs, then makes a show of ejecting the cassette from its player, popping in a new one. "I've got work to do," she repeats, her voice hallow.
"Come on, Toph," Sokka scoots himself an inch closer, ignoring her not-so-subtle hint to go away, "You're always saying how you wish you had more time off, yet you refuse to take it. Where's the sense in that?"
"Didn't we agree to drop this subject?" Toph lets out another weary sigh. She rubs at her eyes, too exhausted to argue, "I have to get this done, Sokka."
Sokka nods once again, but he doesn't move to leave just yet. He understands what she isn't willing to say, why she has to keep working. This isn't about meeting deadlines or struggling to catch up with work - this is about meeting the demand for justice, and struggling to get ahead of Yakone. If Toph was a workaholic before The Incident, Sokka's not sure what to call her now.
Katara had told him it would take time. She told him to have patience, that he would need it while Toph healed. That she would have her good days, but she would also have a lot of bad ones too. Sokka sighs, just about ready to accept that this is in fact one of her bad days and go spend more time with Lin instead. But to his surprise, quite abruptly, Toph pushes the cassettes to the side and scoots herself to the edge of the mattress, sitting next to him before he can leave.
"Wait, don't go." Toph says, stopping him with a hand to the shoulder, "You're right. I'm sorry. It's just hard to let this shit go, you know?"
"I get it," Sokka takes another sip of his coffee - a distraction from their suddenly close proximity, and his subsequently speeding heart. He clears his throat, "Um, so, do you want to talk about it?"
"Nah, we always talk about me." Toph says, a hint of self-depreciation in her voice. She gives his shoulder a friendly nudge, "Tell me how you're doing."
Sokka shrugs. "Fine, I guess."
A moment passes, and now it's Toph's turn to look skeptical, "Your 'fine'? Is that all I get?" Teasingly, she adds, "Aren't you the one who's supposed to be good with your words, Councilman?"
"Hey," Sokka says, a blush forming to his cheeks. How long has it been since she's called him that? "I'm not a councilman. Not yet anyway."
"Very humble," Toph rolls her eyes, playfully. "Once a councilman, always a councilman. At least in my eyes."
"Is that supposed to be a joke?" Sokka teases back.
"Har Har. You know what I mean." she says, setting her coffee cup down next to all the other dirty dishes. "How are the polls looking today?"
"Approval ratings are up from last week," Sokka sets his own coffee down at his feet. He makes a point not to mention the less than favorable headlines from earlier, "Though still not as high as we need."
Toph nods, encouragingly, "Well, I'm sure you'll get there. The public would be stupid not to elect you. I know I'll be voting for you."
"Right." He says, a bit awkwardly, "Thanks."
Another silence settles in, though it's not a very comfortable one. Toph's words are encouraging, though Sokka can't help but feel like she's overcompensating. Trying to make up for a gap that she knows is there, but she can't yet bridge. That previously mentioned elephant-rhino seems to settle in too, and Sokka whistles absentmindedly in a failed attempt to make it go away.
This is another thing that seems a bit silly. He spent so much time wishing to be exactly where he is – here with Toph by his side, on her bed for spirit's sake. The opportunity is right there! Shouldn't it be simple? If a 5-year-old can be open about her feelings, shouldn't they be willing to be open too?
Yet, Sokka can't seem to close the remaining distance between them. He wants to. And again, he can't quite explain why he can't.
But… perhaps it has something to do with the look on Toph's face, permanently etched like something carved into stone. Perhaps it's the lines of stress between her eyes. Or the concerning hollow of her cheeks, and the jawline that's a bit sharper than it ought to be. Maybe it's her spaced-out expression that distances them, no matter how close they sit. The expression that says she's not really here. Maybe it's the bags under her eyes, which tell Sokka that she's not ready - that she has other priorities, none of which are herself.
Or maybe it's the fact that he remembers her crying all the time during her first pregnancy. That she was happy and expressive and embraced the change, but hasn't shed a single tear in this one. Not since first hearing the news – since The Incident.
Or perhaps it's the scars. That barest hint of discoloration on her skin that you can only see upon closer inspection – a reminder that she is not yet fully healed, not in the ways that count. The scars on her skin may be subtle, but the look in her eyes tells Sokka that the internal ones are much more gruesome, visible or not. He's seen that look in her eyes before. That somber, weighted look that tells of trauma – once a distance memory, but now so fresh.
Maybe that's why.
Still, for whatever reason, Sokka says, "Let me move in."
"What?" Toph's previously spaced-out expression widens with shock, like she's unsure if she imagined it or not. Truthfully, for a moment, Sokka isn't so sure himself.
"Uhm. I mean." Sokka clears his throat, surprised by his own words. He opens his mouth to take them back, but instead, "Can I move in?"
Toph blinks, "Why would you want to move in? You just got your own place."
"Well," Sokka scratches the back of his head, stalling. He's not quite sure what the right thing is to say here - he hadn't exactly prepared a speech. Twenty seconds ago, he had no idea he'd even bring it up. Still, he tries, "Um. I want to be here for you and Lin. And the baby, when it comes."
"Sokka," Toph sighs, turning her face towards him, "That's really sweet, but I don't need your help, okay? I'm perfectly capable on my own."
He knows better than to point out that it certainly looks like she could use some help right about now. Instead, he puts a hand on her knee, gently, "Look, Toph, I know you've been going through a rough time lately, and-"
"And what?" Toph narrows her eyes, her tone dripping with venom, "You think you can swoop in here and be the hero? You think you can fix me, is that it?"
"No, Toph." Sokka says, swallowing his frustration. He's not quite sure how they managed to stumble into an argument, but here they are, "Please, don't put words in my mouth."
He's prepared to receive more backlash, but to his surprise, Toph's anger deflates as quickly as it came, "You're right. I'm sorry," she says, regretfully, "I didn't mean to snap at you. It's just…"
Toph leans forward, her elbows resting on her knees and her head between her hands. Frustration radiates off her body in waves, yet Sokka can tell that the frustration is more directed at herself, not him. He rests a gentle hand on her back, rubbing soothing circles there, but otherwise gives her space to think.
She takes another weighted breath, then says, "I don't want you to feel like it's your job to save me."
Oh. Of course.
Sokka should have known better. Granted, he wasn't exactly planning on asking to move in. But even if he had planned it, he shouldn't be surprised by her reluctance. It wouldn't be Toph if she wasn't at least a little hesitant to accept help. That much, at least, hasn't changed.
"Well…" Sokka says, after a moment, "Maybe I need you to save me."
Toph sits up, her chin tilted in his direction, "I don't understand."
"Toph," Sokka moves to grab her hand, earnestly, "I've felt lost for a very long time. It took me a long time to realize, but it's only when I'm here, with you and Lin, that I feel… I don't know… found, I guess?"
He cringes at how cheesy he sounds, but he gives her hand a squeeze anyway, hoping to convey his honesty. He expects a bit of skepticism from her - perhaps one of Toph's signature arm punches or dry, witty comments. But instead…
"I feel that way too," she says, and hope wells in Sokka's chest… until not a second later it shrivels back up, as she says, "But, I'm sorry. You can't move in right now."
"What," Sokka pulls his hand away, "Why? You have a spare room."
It's not quite a valid argument, since they both know what he's really asking – which definitely does not require a spare room. But Toph doesn't bother pointing this out. Instead, she reasons, "Sokka, the public is just starting to find out about my pregnancy."
Sokka blinks, "So?"
"So, do you know what it will look like if we shack up right now?"
Again, Sokka blinks. Though this time, he sees pictures of his face printed on various newspapers and magazines, headlines starting back at him in bold, black ink. He can imagine what they'd say. Politics of the Heart: Sokka's Secret Lovechild … Councilman Gets Too Close: Beifong's Baby Daddy Confirmed! ... Or something to that effect.
Begrudgingly, he can see Toph's point. Even so, he shakes his head, "When did you start caring so much about what other people think?"
Quite abruptly, Toph stands up from the bed and starts pacing the room, "Since it mattered, Sokka."
Sokka stands too, matching her urgency, "Well, why does it matter?"
She pauses her step, and while the direction of her stare is a little off, the incredulous look she gives him is effective nonetheless, "Listen, you know I don't give a fuck about gossip or whatever nonsense the tabloids want to say about us. But other people do. And other people are the ones deciding who to vote for."
"So, I can't move in because of politics? Is that it?" he says, sneeringly. He's not sure why he can't let it go, considering five minutes ago it wasn't even an issue, but he can't. And the more worked up he gets, the more he doesn't want to let it go.
"Sokka," Toph rubs at her face, frustrated, "There's more to it than that."
"Well then help me to understand," Sokka's voice raises, just a hair, "Cause from where I'm standing, it sounds like you're just coming up with more excuses."
Toph takes a deep breath, firming up her stance, uncompromising, "I have my reasons, Sokka."
Sokka takes a step closer, his voice softer than before, "Reasons and excuses are the same thing, Toph."
"Ugh, I'm too tired to argue right now." Toph turns to exit the room, but Sokka stops her before she can leave. He grabs her arm, gently.
"Toph, when will you stop walking away from this?"
"Hey!" Just then, she turns on him, a familiar finger pointing at his chest as she gets in his space, "I'm not walking away from anything. I'm just trying to be smart about this. Someone has to be!"
"Smart?" He dares to take yet another step closer, forcing their chests together, Toph's baby bump the only thing between them, "Really, Toph?"
She stands her ground, her posture stiff and defensive. But, despite her rigidness, her words are soft and filled with regret, "It's just not the right time, Sokka."
"Fine." Sokka says, his voice low. He reaches down to grab her hands and he gives them a gentle squeeze - a silent plea, "Then when will it be?"
Sokka's chest huffs along with the speed of his racing heart, caught between frustration and desire - though perhaps those things are one and the same. Toph's head tilts down, inches from his chest. Sokka releases her hands, his fingers moving to feather lightly at her wrists. He can feel her pulse, how it's beating in time with his, rapidly. She surprises him by returning the gesture, her fingers teasing over the layers of his sleeves and arm wraps. Too many layers. Not enough skin.
Well that escalated quickly, didn't it?
If there's anything they've become good at over the years, it's these tense, weighted moments of silence between them. These moments, where they teeter on the edge of something more, yet never quite lose their balance. A game of tug of war, neither willing to meet in the middle.
Although, Sokka remembers, they had met in the middle, back when he was still married, back when they shouldn't have. Who had kissed whom first the last time? Even as it happened, he couldn't have told you. They just came together, magnetically, as one.
Now though, it's Toph who surprises him yet again. She tilts her head up, her blind gaze aimed a bit too high to find his, yet that hardly matters. Sokka's breath catches as Toph inches forward, just slightly, up on her tippy toes. They're already so close – it would take so little.
But just as Toph's lips are an inch from his, Sokka's nose is forced to wrinkle, as a strange smell enters the room. He wants to ignore it, and he really wishes he could, but he's already too distracted. He pulls back, the moment gone.
He sniffs the air, tentatively, "Is… Is something burning?"
Toph blinks away her trance, pulled out of whatever moment they were just having. Sokka watches her face morph into confusion… then concern… then a sudden realization.
"Fuck!" Toph says, "I forgot!" Not a second later, she turns and bolts out of the room, Sokka left standing awkwardly in place.
Caught off guard by the strange moment, Sokka shakes away his confusion before turning to run after her, running out of her room and pacing down the hallway towards the kitchen. Toph is surprisingly quick for a pregnant lady, and by the time Sokka catches up with her, she's already at her stove, where she had apparently been trying to cook something.
Whatever she was attempting to cook has since burned into a crisp, the remains too charcoaled to identify. A thin plume of smoke rises from the pan, and Sokka's eyes quickly zoom from the burning mess to Toph's hand, shaking as it hovers over the stove, frantically and blindly searching for the knob to turn it off.
Sokka remains at the edge of the kitchen, taking in the scene from a distance. He knows he should do something - that he should try to help - but his feet feel glued to the floor, frozen in place. Toph's hands continue to shake, but Sokka realizes, so do his. He tries to shake off whatever seems to be paralyzing him - this strange dose of adrenaline and fear - but his limbs won't cooperate.
Not sure what else to do, he closes his eyes, hoping the darkness might help. But instead, all he sees is Toph.
Electricity.
He sees Toph, her skin black and red, blistered and burned. He sees the flesh peeled back with her clothes, and he hears her cries echo in his ears. His mind conjures lightning, ripping through her skin, coursing through her veins and flashing blue. He imagines her… convulsing, burning, dying from the voltage.
Fire.
Sokka sees fire. Acres and acres of fire. The comet overhead, the inferno raging just below as the world turns to ash. He feels the pain in his leg, bone shattered - just like his innocence - broken in an instant. He feels Toph's hand, the pressure of it in his, comforting yet terrifying all at once. He feels her fingers, slick with sweat, sliding out from his.
Falling.
He feels her hand slip from his, the pressure gone.
Wait. He doesn't remember the pressure being gone. No, he knows it's not real. She's here, she's alive. She didn't fall.
Yet, he feels so vividly… letting her go. He pictures her falling, down into the sea of flames. He imagines her scream, harder to hear the further she falls, until there's nothing left but wind in his ears. She burns. Black and Red, then into ash.
Drowning
She burns, and he drowns. He feels himself sinking, his lungs struggling for air. Burning. Drowning. Drowning.
It all happens in a split second, yet that's all it takes for Sokka to understand. To understand what it is that holds him back. To understand that, yes, there is more to it than politics and tabloids, and that it's not only Toph's scars which hold them back.
Katara had said Toph would need time to heal, but perhaps Sokka needs it too.
The timing is always right, until it is too late.
The advice from an old friend often repeats in his mind, as it does now. They're words he had taken with him on the journey back from the south, intending to make good on promises he hadn't yet dared to speak. Time was on their side now, though he admits that he hadn't intended on wasting it. Is that what they're doing now? Wasting time?
Maybe it's not so simple. Maybe the timing isn't always right. Besides, is taking time to heal the same as wasting it?
It's only as he comes to this realization that he notices Lin crying, just behind him, and it pulls him from his episode. Lin's cries remind him of her cries on that day, the day of The Incident, and Sokka wonders if she's also taken back. If the trauma feels just as fresh as it does for him. If she can hear Toph's cries, echoing on repeat in her mind.
But Toph is not crying, or burning, or any of the above. She's fine, and other than her shaky hands, she remains calm and collected as she manages to turn the stove off. However, smoke still plumes in the air, wafting in her face as she tries to tame it, and fanning the smoke only helps it breathe fire. Whatever grease is left in the pan ignites into a small flame, and thicker, blackened smoke starts to rise. Toph can't see this of course, but she must feel the heat of the flames, as she knows to take a step back. The smoke is enough to make her cough as she's forced to inhale it, and that's enough to kick Sokka into gear.
"Toph!" Sokka runs the few steps to the stove and gently forces Toph out of the way, away from the smoke. Coughing a bit himself, the smoke stings his eyes as he turns to reach for the pan, grabbing it by its handle. He quickly ushers it to the side, away from the stove, but smoke continues to rise from the pan as the fire threatens to grow. He heard somewhere not to douse a grease fire with water, so instead, he searches frantically for a lid, hoping that will work. Somehow, with shaky hands and quick breath, he manages to find one, then quickly puts it over the pan. To his relief, it seems to work, as the lid helps to suffocate the flames, taming the smoke.
Once the fire is out, Sokka moves to open the kitchen window, letting what's left of the smoke out into the snowy cold outside. Crisis averted, Sokka takes a breath of relief, though Lin continues to cry in the background, keeping him on edge. Residual adrenaline pumps through his veins, and he takes a few more breaths, calming his racing heart. Phew... He wipes a bead of sweat from his brow, that was close!
"Damn." Toph says, behind him, "So much for breakfast."
Sokka turns to look at her, incredulously, "Really? After all that, you're worried about breakfast?"
"What," she says, shrugging. "Come on, it's not that big a deal."
"Not that big a deal?" Sokka says, over the sound of Lin's cries, "Toph, you're pregnant! You shouldn't be breathing in all this smoke!"
"Calm down, worry wort," Toph waves a dismissive hand, "It's just some burnt eggs. No need to make a fuss. It's not like anyone got hurt."
"Calm down!? How can I be calm!? You could have burned the whole place down!" he gestures to Lin, who remains crying, somehow even louder than before, "Lin could have gotten hurt. The baby could have gotten hurt. You could have gotten hurt!"
"But we didn't," Toph puts her hands on her hips, defiantly, "I had it under control."
"Pfft," Sokka shakes his head, unable to hold back his frustration, "Is that what you call control? If I hadn't been here, that fire could have spread! Then what?"
Toph stamps her foot, the ground shaking as she does so, her voice rising, "Sokka, I already told you that I don't need you to save me! Got it? I would have figured something out."
"You could have gotten hurt!" Sokka repeats, louder than before.
"I'm fine, Sokka!" Toph insists, stubbornly. She stomps her feet again and the ground gives another shake. Lin's cries grow louder.
"Fine? You're not fine! Look at yourself, Toph."
"I can't, dummy." Toph replies, a misplaced trace of humour in her voice. Deflection, Sokka realizes.
"You know what I mean," he says, not entertaining her joke, "Look at yourself, Toph. You are working yourself to death. You barely sleep, you barely eat. You never leave this house. Which, by the way, is a complete mess.
"I've never seen you like this. You forget to do basic things, like dishes or laundry. You almost burn your fucking house down! And for what? For case files? For Yakone?"
Toph pauses, taken aback by the severity of his words. "You know I have to bring him down, Sokka."
"I know." he says, calming down a bit, "But we said we'd do it together. And we will, but you can't let him win in the meantime. That's what you're doing. Obsessing over him, letting him get to you like this…
"I know what you went through - I know that must have been traumatizing." Sokka swallows the painful memory, forcing the gruesome images out of his mind, "And it's okay that you need time to heal. I understand it." quietly, Sokka adds, "But it's like… It's like you're not even you anymore."
Sokka's words linger in the air, and for a moment, the only sound in the room is that of Lin's cries. He wants to go tend to her, and he can tell by the look on Toph's face that she wants to too, but their focus is here, on what needs to be said. Toph doesn't reply though, so Sokka continues.
"He's not worth it, Toph." he takes a step closer, close enough to place his hands on her shoulders. He gives them a comforting pat, "He's not."
Toph deflates under his grip, "I'm trying, Sokka. What more do you want from me?"
Sokka releases her shoulders and takes a step back, considering her question. What does he want? He wants her, in whatever way she's willing to give. But of course, she's not quite ready to give, is she? And, if the images in his head from earlier are any indication, he's not quite ready to receive either.
So what does he want? What can he ask for, not in future, but right now?
"I just want my best friend back," he says, genuinely.
The look on Toph's face in unreadable, though not apathetic. She opens her mouth to respond, though she doesn't get the chance. Before she can speak, the floor starts to shake again, quaking with a starling amount of force. The quake only lasts a few seconds, yet Sokka has to steady himself, his knees wobbling as the floor rumbles under his feet. When it's over, he looks at Toph, confused why she would use her bending right now, especially like that.
"Did you do that?" Sokka asks, not quite sure what just happened.
He waits for her explanation, but to his surprise, Toph looks equally as confused as him. Until suddenly, that confusion morphs into a smile of all things, as she shakes her head. It's only then that Sokka realizes Lin's crying has stopped.
"Wait," Sokka says, the realization dawning on him, "Did…Did she just?"
"Lin!" Toph turns and runs to her daughter on the other side of the kitchen. She crouches in front of her, excitedly, "Did you do that!?"
Lin rubs at her eyes, her emotions still running high. She gives her mom a timid shrug, clearly not sure whether she's in trouble or not.
"It's okay, Badgermole," Toph nods her head, encouragingly, "I'm not mad. Here."
Toph uses her earthbending to summon a small chuck of rock from the stone tiles of the floor, hovering it in the air as she gently takes one of Lin's hands in hers.
"Here you go, baby." Toph says, placing the stone onto Lin's palm, "Listen to the earth. Remember, like I showed you before?"
Sokka watches as Lin squints her eyes shut, another look of concentration wrinkling her young face. Her hand shakes, palms flexed as she concentrates, presumably on the stone in her hand.
"Now," Toph says, her voice steady, "Be the rock. Imagine it moving, molding in your hands."
Toph waits with bated breath, and Sokka realizes he's just an anxious as she is. Or, not anxious, but excited. He takes a few steps closer, his heart pumping with anticipation as he waits for what might come next. He doesn't dare blink, his eyes glued to the stone in the palm of Lin's hand. He's not an earthbender of course, but for Lin, he wills the rock to move anyway, as if he could help.
Lin's face stays tight, concentrating hard on the rock in her hands. The rock starts to quiver, just slightly, but it's enough to get Sokka even more excited.
"Come on, Lin!" he eggs her on, a toothy grin on his face.
"Come on, Lin!" Toph repeats, just as pumped, "You got this!"
Just then, the rock in Lin's hand starts to float, just an inch above her hand. But that's not all. All around the room, stones start to float in the air, pulled up from the floor as Lin bends it to her will. She holds them there for a few seconds before dropping them, molding them back into the ground.
"You did it!" Toph raises her hands in the air, her face brightened by a smile, "You're an earthbender, Lin!"
"I did it!" Lin repeats, jumping up and down.
"I'm so proud of you!" In a rare moment of affection, Toph sweeps her daughter into a tight hug, squeezing her close. Sokka watches from the side, his own heart flooded with affection.
"Come on, Little Badgermole!" Toph starts to usher Lin out of the kitchen and towards the sitting room, "Let's go outside and you can show me what'cha got!"
"Yeah! Let's go kick some butt!" Lin says, grabbing her mom's hand.
They're just at the front door when Sokka stops them, reluctantly, "Hold on, ladies. As much as I would love to see my two favorite girls kick some dirt - you know, Beifong Style - I don't think it's the best idea. It's snowing outside. You don't want Lin's feet to freeze off before she gets the chance to use them."
"Hmmm," Toph holds her chin, thinking it through, "You're probably right."
Just then, in one quick movement, Toph uses her bending to clear away the mess. The floor bends at her will, carrying the furniture and surrounding clutter to the sides of the room. She clears away a big enough space in the center of the room… big enough for bending, Sokka realizes.
"There we are," Toph dusts off her hands, a wicked smile on her face, "I know it's not ideal, but now we don't have to go outside. What do you think, Lin? Ready for your first lesson as an official earthbender?"
"Yeah!" Lin follows her mom as they walk towards the center of the "ring" that Toph bent.
"Toph," Sokka chides, though the smile in his voice is clear, "I don't think your neighbors will be happy if she accidently bends a hole in someone's ceiling. Maybe we should go outside."
"What!? And risk frostbite!?" Toph says, incredulously (and somewhat teasingly). Then, with an impish grin, "What's the worst they're going to do? Call the police? Come on, Sokka. Live a little."
For some reason, her little tease hits his chest with a pang of fondness, and Sokka can't help but match her grin. He puts his hands up in surrender as he backs up towards the wall, out of the girls' way, "Good point. Proceed."
"Alright, Lin," Toph turns towards her daughter, who seems quite eager for her first official lesson. "Remember the forms I taught you?"
Lin nods as Toph demonstrates a basic earthbending stance. She looks a little funny, the small swell of her belly sticking out past her hips, but her balance and form are as flawless as one would expect from the world's greatest earthbender.
Lin mimics her mother's stance, "Like this, mommy?"
Sokka inspects Lin's pose from his place by the wall, and as far as he's concerned, it looks perfect. But of course Toph's corrects it, "Close, but straighten your back and shift your foot a bit closer to your center. You have to be like a rock, remember?" Lin does as she's asked, and Toph gives a sharp nod, "Better."
The impromptu earthbending lesson continues for the better part of the day, and Sokka loses track of time as he watches Toph and Lin get covered in dirt as the bend the day away. The lesson eventually shifts from more serious practice into something more playful, and Sokka watches as Toph does the same. She starts out with serious forms, correcting Lin's stance and striving for perfection. Lin mimics her forms, not performing quite as powerfully as Toph, but matching the enthusiasm tenfold.
Sokka watches them bend, mesmerized, as if watching a dance. Toph's bending has always been precise - perfect - but now it takes on a whole new persona. She pulls dirt from the floor, effortlessly morphing it into various shapes and forms, the earth flowing smooth, like water. It's not as exact or disciplined as her typical bending methods, but it's expressive. Playful, Sokka realizes. He also realizes, it's been a long time since he's seen her bend like this. Not for work or for duty, but for fun.
Maybe it's that she's covered in dirt. Maybe it's the stream of wicked, somewhat maniacal laughter that rings as Toph encourages Lin to break the rules, not caring how much noise they make or how many holes they put in the walls. Or maybe it's just the look of pure joy on her face, as she finally shares this part of herself with her daughter. This part of herself, which is so fundamental to who she is. Whatever it is, for the first time in a very long time, Sokka sees Toph. Not the Chief of Police, Yakone obsessed, PTSD-ridden single mom who barely sleeps. Not the victim of violence, or the broken shell that she's since become.
But Toph, the carefree, amazing earthbender that he met all those years ago. His best friend.
It's much later in the day by the time the apartment is clean, the holes in the wall fixed by Toph's bending, the dirty dishes and laundry done, and everything else in its rightful place. Lin had passed out a bit earlier than her normal bedtime - too spent from her first day of bending to stay awake - and is now carefully tucked away in bed.
Sokka sits on the couch, his feet propped up on the coffee table and a fire crackling in the fireplace, cozy and warm. He hadn't been bending, of course, though the excitement of the day and the long clean up afterwards has even him feeling tired. But, it's the good kind of tired, he thinks. The happy kind.
"I made you some tea," Toph says, coming up from behind him.
She rounds the couch and hands him the teacup before plopping down beside him, clearly just as tired as he is. Though, for once, Sokka thinks her tired is the happy kind too.
"Thanks," Sokka says, "But shouldn't I be the one making you tea?"
"Why?" Toph lifts a teasing brow, "Cause I'm pregnant?"
"Yeah, I guess." Sokka shrugs, "Or, cause I want to."
Toph lands a signature punch to his arm, "Quit being so nice."
Sokka rubs the sore spot on his arm, though it doesn't really hurt, "You're mad because I'm too nice?"
"You heard me," Toph sits up on the sofa, hands at her hips, "You do so much for me and Lin. The least you can let me do is make you a cup of tea!"
"Alight, alright," Sokka laughs, amused by her attitude, even as she's trying to be nice, "I'll just say thank you and shut up, how bout' that?"
"That's all I want, Snoozles." Toph leans back against the couch, her hands clasped behind her head. She props her feet up on the coffee table, next to Sokka's - a sign that, for once, she's actually relaxed.
Sokka's eyes shift to her belly, "Hey, maybe this little one will be an earthbender too."
Toph gives her shoulder a shrug, nonchalant, "For all I know it could be a waterbender."
This makes Sokka pause. He furrows his brows, confused, "What do you mean?"
Even under the dim lights - the room lit only by the fireplace - Sokka sees the blush on Toph's face, and her meaningful expression.
"Well, um," Toph clears her throat, clearly a bit embarrassed, "The baby is half Water Tribe."
"Wait, really?" Sokka sits up, abruptly, his tea jostling around in the cup, "But I thought you didn't know who the father is?"
Toph sits up again and lands another punch to his bicep, a little harder this time, "Come on, I'm not that bad."
"Wait," Sokka says, "So you do know who it is?"
"Well," Toph scratches the back of her neck, sheepishly, "I know who it is, I just don't know him, ya know?"
"Okaaaay." Sokka says, even more confused.
"I never got his name, but I do remember he said he was from the Water Tribe. The Northern one." Toph says, clearly trying to sound indifferent, "Don't know if he's a bender or not, but I suppose there's a chance."
"Wow," Sokka says, his tone unreadable, even to his ears.
He's not quite sure how to process this new information. Other than when Sokka first heard the baby news, he hadn't given much thought to who the father was. Toph said she didn't know who he was, so that was that.
But, Toph does know the father? Or, at least knows enough to know where's he from. That doesn't matter, Sokka reminds himself, quelling the hint of jealousy cooking in his gut. It's silly to be jealous, since Toph doesn't even know his name. And even if she did, it doesn't seem like she's all that attached. Still… all this time, Sokka figured the baby had solely Earth Kingdom blood. He hadn't even considered the other half.
The other half, which may not be his, but is still Water Tribe. Which means, in some strange, maybe a bit dysfunctional way, this baby does have his blood. It doesn't matter, of course. Sokka has committed to loving this baby unconditionally, no matter what. Even so, the thought that this baby will share something so integral to him, something that not even Toph can understand... well, Sokka's not sure what to feel.
"I thought it was you," Toph says, her voice just above a whisper as she pulls him from his thoughts.
"Wait, what?" Sokka asks, unsure if he heard her correctly.
The blush on her face remains, but her voice gains its confidence, "I went to our tavern. Remember the one? I… I had been drinking and I had just gotten your letter about Kahlia, so I was…thinking of you.
"Then this guy approaches me, and for a moment…" Toph tilts her head in his direction, and while it's a useless gesture to her, Sokka takes it as a sign of her honesty, "I really thought it was you."
Sokka's heart flutters at her admission. Admittedly, he still feels a bit confused as he processes these sudden revelations. Not quite sure how to process them just yet, he decides to lighten the mood, "So, you confused some drunk guy at a bar with me?"
"Hey, only for a second!" Toph defends. Then, teasingly, "But you're right, I don't know how I could ever confuse him with you. He didn't smell nearly as bad." She makes a show of pinching her nose and wafting the air away.
Sokka nudges her side in response, just as teasingly. A moment passes as they sit in silence, though for once, it's a companionable one, not bogged down by some elephant-rhino or weighted meaning. However, Sokka thinks back to earlier in the day, and he realizes they never quite finished their previous conversations.
He takes a sip of his tea, bracing himself, then says, "I'm sorry about what I said earlier."
"Don't be," Toph says, "You were right. I have been letting Yakone win."
Sokka nods, intending to say something reassuring, but Toph beats him to it, changing the subject.
"Sokka, it's important to me that you understand something," she says, a hint of urgency in her voice, "I can't let you move you in right now, but it's not because I don't want you to."
"Okay." He says, patiently, "Why then?"
Toph pauses again, her mouth twisted as she thinks carefully over her words. After a moment, "Look, I know you think I'm afraid or something. And I know I haven't been entirely myself lately. Maybe I am afraid, a little."
"And that's okay, Toph." Sokka puts his hand on her shoulder, comfortingly, "You've been through a lot. Anyone would find what you went through…" he doesn't mention The Incident, but the subtext is clear, "Anyone would find that traumatic."
"You don't get it, Sokka." Toph offers a small, sad smile, "I'm not afraid for myself."
Sokka raises a skeptical brow, but doesn't respond. He let's Toph continue.
"What happened that day," she says, "It reminded me just how easy everything I have can be taken away. I finally have you back. Lin is an earthbender!" She smiles, then places a hand on the swell of her belly, "Now more than ever, I have everything to lose."
Sokka nods. Fear of loss, he can understand. It's exactly what's stopping him from embracing his desires, isn't it? He tries not to see pictures of her - burning, falling, dying – but it's hard not to go there.
Still, he promises, "You won't lose us, Toph."
"You can't know that." Toph's smile wilts, "And until Yakone is behind bars,I can't know that."
She's right, of course. There's no way to guarantee that he'll be safe, just as there's no way for him to guarantee that she'll be safe. No matter how much time passes, a part of him will always hold on to that fear of loss. And who knows, he may always hear her cries echo in his mind, or see a burning, cruel vision always flashing in his mind, despite reality.
But, does that mean he shouldn't try to live past that?
"Toph," Sokka turns in his seat, his knees touching her thighs, "Nothing is ever certain. Even when Yakone is put away, there will always be a risk of loss. You say that what happened that day reminded you how easily things can be taken away? Well it reminded me the exact same thing, Toph. But I'm not afraid of losing time... I'm afraid of wasting it."
"I understand, Sokka," Toph says, "And I wish it were as simple as that."
"Well," Sokka says, genuinely, "Why isn't it?"
"If it were just my life on the line, I'd take you up on your offer. I'd take you up on all of it." Toph blushes at the deeper meaning of her words, but continues, steadfast, "But Yakone is still out there, and he's trying to hurt me, Sokka. He failed the first time, but it's only a matter of time before he realizes the only real way to hurt me… is to hurt the people I love.
"And," Toph finds his hand with hers, holding it tight, "I don't want him to have any more ammunition. Do you understand?"
Sokka sighs, but he gives her hand a squeeze, letting her know that, yes, he does understand.
"And, Sokka," Toph adds, "I know it's stupid, but people love to gossip. I need you to get elected, okay? There's just so much at stake, and we can't afford to take risks right now. You know I'm right."
He does, he realizes. Otherwise he would have kissed her a long time ago. Otherwise he'd kiss her now. But, that fear is still there, and as much as he hates to admit it, he knows the timing isn't right just yet. They may never be able to let go of their fears completely, but they can overcome them. He knows it, deep in his bones... Perhaps they just need a bit more time to get there.
"There's one other thing." Toph says.
"What?" Sokka says, unsure what more there could be keeping them apart.
"Sokka, today was the first time in a long time that I felt like myself again." Toph says, a surprising amount of openness, "And… I want to be myself…fully…when you and I…"
She doesn't finish her sentence, but she doesn't have to. Sokka knows what she's trying to say. "I understand, Toph." he assures. And he means it. "Like I said, all I want is to have my best friend back. For now, that's enough."
"And you've got me Sokka. I'm still here." Toph smiles at him, bashfully, "I just get a bit buried in dirt sometimes, you know? But no matter what, I'll always be here, okay?"
She doesn't see it of course, but Sokka returns her smile. He gives her hand one last, meaningful squeeze. "I know. Me too."
They stay like that for a minute or two - holding hands and sharing silent promises, before Sokka needs to break the spell. It's getting late, and like Toph pointed out, someone is bound to read too much into it if he doesn't leave soon. So, reluctantly, he gets up from the couch and grabs his coat, shrugging it on as he walks to the door. Toph follows closely behind, clearly just as reluctant to let him go, despite all her reasons not to let him stay. They reach the front door, but they both lean against it, not quite ready to say goodbye.
"So," Toph starts, "You mentioned something about a pro-bending tournament tomorrow... Is that invitation still open?"
"Of course." Sokka says. He feels his heart thump with hope and excitement, but he keeps his cool, "You change your mind about staying home?"
Toph nods, "Yeah. It's about time we had some fun again, don't you think?"
"Damn straight," Sokka says, goofily. Toph rolls her eyes at his silly tone, and lands another playful punch to his arm, though the smile on her face is just as goofy. Sokka rubs the sore spot, affectionately, "It's a date then."
Okay, so can we pretend that I didn't just let almost four weeks go by since my last update? ? Oops! SO sorry for the long wait - not only did this chapter take me *forever* to write for some reason, but I also had to prioritize some real world stuff in the meantime, and the time just flew by before I knew it. But alas, here we are, and I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has stuck with me this far.
I know not a ton happened in this chapter, but I felt it was important to have the characters talk about their feelings and focus on fixing their friendship. I also wanted to address the PTSD that both Toph and Sokka have, and how it affects their relationship. While both characters are suffering from PTSD that's caused from a buildup of trauma, not just one event, I wanted to explore something more tangible and current after the events of last chapter. I intended for Toph's PTSD to be more obvious, in the sense that it affects more areas of her life, while I wanted Sokka's to be less constant, but more episodic. Both are struggling, and it's important for me to get these characters on equal footing before progressing their relationship, so while they're still not quite ready to take that step, I want them to be better at understanding and communicating why. Hopefully that came across!
In terms of working through the trauma, I want to acknowledge that Toph has definitely *not* been herself, so the characterization may have felt a bit strange, but again, hopefully it is clear why. In my opinion, Toph is never more herself than when she's earthbending, so Lin becoming an earthbender felt like the *perfect* breakthrough moment for her healing process.
Despite the lack of excitement and the long wait, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Again, Thank you for reading!