OLIVIA "We are going to talk back in Seoul." was all Bang had said that night. Three days had passed since then and I still carried a horrible feeling with me everywhere I went.
"It had to happen eventually." Yoongi had said when he had realized what had happened, one hand on Joon's shoulder, one on mine, both of us just very quiet. He was right of course. We had always known the risk. I had always known the risk. There were very clear rules in place concerning dating staff, which was probably only right... considering the drama not only we had caused over time... not only me and Joon. Jin, Sue, Kookie, Georgia... none of it was right. But it was only now that I thought about the consequences properly. We had left the pub a little later, not really saying much on the cab ride to the hotel.
"I didn't know he would be here. Must have been a last-minute decision." Joon finally said when we were almost there and I just nodded. But it didn't change anything. We had gotten caught. Didn't matter why.
I couldn't sleep that night. Or the night after. By the time we got on our flight home, I was exhausted and terrified and at the same time, I just wanted to get that talk behind me already. When we got to Joon's place he realized that one of the managers had added an 11 AM meeting with Bang to his calendar for the next morning. I felt like crying and Joon just stood next to me, a hand stroking my neck, but looking just as lost as I was.
It wasn't until we were in bed, ready to sleep and super jetlagged, that we started talking properly. More like whispering. "What do we say?" My voice was so quiet, for a second I thought he hadn't even heard me. "To be honest... I don't know exactly." Joon just said with a little sigh and it wasn't what I wanted to hear of course but it didn't surprise me. Namjoon wasn't someone who followed rules blindly, but at the same time, he had been working with Bang ever since he was a teenager. He wasn't a proper friend to the boys, but more than a boss. He cared. And they cared. Which only made this harder.
GEORGIA Moving to Seoul had happened like so many things in my life before: Spontaneous, maybe a little reckless and fun. Yes, my parents, my brothers, my friends... they had all declared me mad but knew me well enough to not expect a proper explanation. Spending the summer producing for BTS had been incredible and yes, messing around with Jungkook had a lot to do with that. That boy had stamina, let me tell you... But aside from all of that, the decision had come so easy to me because it was a good opportunity. I knew my own worth, knew that back in London I was underpaid and not challenged enough. The new job wouldn't necessarily propel me up the career ladder, but the jobs that would follow would. When I had told Olivia just that she had looked at me as if I was possessed. I loved the girl but even she was underestimating me. I was more than just some "careless flousy" (Thanks Grandma!).
Now, almost a year after all the BTS-madness had entered my life I was happy in Seoul. While Ollie was busy running the show, working into the night, playing mum and dad with Namjoon, I felt like I had found my place as well. Of course, I worked long hours and sometimes we were gone for weeks at a time, but unlike most of my colleagues who had come from London to Seoul with us, I wouldn't let that stop me. I had always been an extrovert, finding people to become friends with - even if only for the night - left and right. While Ollie was taking language courses I went out. To clubs and bars, sure, but everywhere really. Pretty sure I had seen more of the city than anyone of my friends. Seoul was - in its own way - stunning. And surprised me on an almost daily basis.
Sometimes it annoyed me that Kookie couldn't join me and my newfound friends - for obvious reasons - but I also didn't mind doing my own thing. The look on his face when I would sneak into his bed in the middle of the night and he had obviously missed me was pretty adorable as well. That whole thing with him had started because he was hot as fuck and I drunk. No way to sugarcoat it. But I soon realized I liked the guy a lot. I had never met anyone so naive and sweet, he really was a good egg. And then the next second he would push me against a wall and kissing me hard, only to then get scared that he had hurt me. I enjoyed hanging out with him, I think we just got each other. We didn't have to stare longingly into each other's eyes like Joon and Ollie. Who knew what they did when they were alone... Quote Nietzsche to each other? Try to cure diseases? Surely something very deep... and boring. I'd rather spend hangover Sunday mornings with Kook throwing old socks at each other and eat two-day old leftover pizza.
At first, I had insisted that we were just hooking up. And in a way that was still true, because he was definitely not my boyfriend, but even I had to admit by now that somehow feelings had gotten involved - grosss. I missed him when I couldn't see him for a while. And no one could annoy me as much as him. We had always had our little fights, but they had been more like a weird kind of flirting than anything serious at first. Not sure when we had started shouting at each other, I guess we were both pretty hot-headed once the other had provoked us enough. Afterwards, I usually felt pretty bad and I could see that he hated it just as much. I guess we were pretty similar in that way.
Tour had been amazing. Having grown up in a suburb of Brighton I had always seen tourist visit the city, wondering why they came to us when surely where they were from was much more exciting. I wanted to see the world, I just hadn't expected to see that much of it in such a short span of time. It was hard work, I was always tired, but wouldn't let that keep me from living the experience to the fullest.
But today was one of those days where I just wanted to go home and take a long-ass nap. Olivia had become a friend more than a colleague, I admired her - even though I tried to not show it too much. And Sue was so very different from me but really cool in her own way. I had other girlfriends in the city that were up for crazy adventures, but these two were the ones I knew I could rely on. And most of the time I didn't mind listening to their shit - after all, they didn't complain toooo much about Kook and me making out/fighting all the time. But today... I just wanted to take a break. To not deal with it.
Other people's drama had always seen trivial to me. What was Namjoon and Ollie's problem really? That they loved each other too much? Big Whoop. And yeah, Jin had been somewhat of an absolute asshole in Paris but seeing both him and Sue walking around London and now back home as if they were the pining cast of a Jane Austen miniseries was not only painful but also frustrating. I never got involved but kind of felt like they should have just gotten over it by now for their own sake. I had suggested to Jimin the other day whether we should just lock them in a room somewhere until they dealt with it, but Jimin had just looked a little terrified. Then smiled politely. No idea why, but that little guy had always been a bit scared of me I guess.
I had been sorting through props for a good two hours. The amount of stuff we had taken with us on tour for filming RUN BTS seemed even more absurd when it was lying in front of you, all tangled up, used, half-empty and ready to be brought back where it belonged. At least it was quiet here...
I felt a little like the Trolley Witch on the Hogwarts Express pushing my little cart around the huge office building. I was just about to try to push myself onto it to use it as a skateboard (wouldn't have worked anyway) when I almost drove that thing into Namjoon.
The only reason I didn't break his foot was probably that he made a surprisingly quick step backwards, which had Olivia behind him now running into him. I apologized but then couldn't help notice that she looked exhausted. At a closer look, Namjoon did as well but the dark circles under Ollie's eyes just demanded all my attention.
"Jesus, what is up with you two?" They both shrugged in unison which looked pretty ridiculous. "Okay. Coffee? Aspirin? Hugs?" I really wasn't the kind of person who brought other's coffees unless asked. Or gave them hugs. I had wanted to cheer them up with a little mockery, which clearly I wouldn't have done if I had seen coming what happened next. That being Olivia tearing up.
"Shit. Sorry. Just a joke." I murmured, not sure what to do. Namjoon just sighed and gently touched her hand, but then remembered where he was. And that was when I also remembered why they were probably here. Bang. "Fuck, sorry, I forgot. Are you on your way to him now?" Both nodded.
When they walked off to Bang's office I got back to my little trolley round. Shit, I had not realized how serious all this was. I was still thinking about it ten minutes later when I got to our office. Man, maybe I should rethink that whole thing with Kookie... no man was worth looking so miserable.
OLIVIA I had never been able to properly read Bang. His eyes were kind and he always had a mischievous smile on his lips but I knew he could be quite strict. At first, I had felt a little out of place after having sat down with him. He had spoken to us in shaky English, which I appreciated. His words had been well chosen. Saying that he was aware of the situation even before London (ouch) and that if he was aware surely other's were aware as well (double ouch). That he had always had doubts regarding me because he knew this could happen again, but he wanted the boys to feel comfortable around the camera team because they were spending so much time with them. Namjoon had been just as quiet as me at first, nodding, looking down. "So what is this? I know this is personal but now that I know I can't ignore it. With Yoongi getting married soon we have to approach relationships becoming public even more carefully so I hope I am not overstepping in asking this." He wasn't and he knew that. We knew as well. He was just very polite. "We... ehm. We are together." Namjoon said and it was just too obvious how uncomfortable he was talking about that to his boss. "Yes. I assumed so. So... this is serious?" We both nodded. "Okay. Good. I am happy for you too. I would just like to remind you to be more careful. Times have changed. And of course, things can't stay the same forever, you are not young boys anymore. But... again. Yoongi's wedding will get a lot of media attention and we cannot foresee what is ahead so I think it is in both your and the company's interest if this stays quiet." More nodding. Then some small talk. Maybe to lighten the mood. "You know me. I like to plan things out, even if the matter isn't pressing. So... Olivia... you are aware that if this becomes public there is no possibility for you to stay on the project." This time it was just me nodding. I was very aware. Not only because Hybe contracts were very clear on dating, but also because it made sense to me. And it really surprised me that Namjoon seemed somewhat baffled. "What?" Both Bang and I were looking at him now. "Why... no, why would anything have to change?" Bang was smiling again.
"I just don't get it. He says he loves your work." It was evening now. We were on our way home. After the talk with Bang Joon had been sent to the studio right away and I had tried to distract myself doing paperwork. But now, back together, we finally had time to talk. "Yes, but... come on, Namjoon. Didn't you see this coming?" I asked, sighing while trying to focus on the road. "Not really." He sounded like an upset little child. "It's one thing for Army and the world to know that your girlfriend used to work on RUN. But I can't be once this is public. I mean... remember what happened last time? They would analyze every single word and look. Yours and mine. To be honest I don't think I would want to work for RUN anymore once it will be out there. Whenever that will be." I saw Namjoon chewing on the inside of his cheeks from the corner of my eye. He was frustrated. "It's fine, okay?" "It's not fine. It's unfair." "We have some time, yeah? At least... now we know."
He was quiet for the rest of the way home and once we got to the apartment he took a shower and I heard him talking to his mum on the phone afterwards. I kind of expected him to come back into the living still upset, but to my surprise, his demeanour had changed, which made me smile as well, but it slipped when he let out "Okay. I think we need to talk. Properly." before disappearing in the kitchen again.
So real talk. I couldn't deny being a bit scared. Not of him, but what was going to be said. The last few days had been nothing but being scared and it was getting to me. I sat there on the floor in front of the window and looked outside, the by now familiar view of Seoul by night in front of me. Over time I had started to be able to identify buildings and landmarks, it had happened without me realizing but now it gave me a weird sense of being home. A home apparently built on such a crumbly foundation that it was a miracle I had ever felt secure in it.
Namjoon came back with a bottle of wine and two glasses, put them down next to me and then sat down as well. His legs crossed he poured the wine and then tried to smile while taking his first sip. Despite all, I had to smirk. "What?" He asked when he noticed. "You thought this conversation needed alcohol and picked wine. That is pretty adorable." The words tasted sour in my mouth. I meant them but for some reason they didn't belong here now, they belonged in happier times.
We were quiet for a while, drinking, looking outside until I knew that if someone didn't say something soon I would implode. Silently. "I want a plan. Maybe Bang was right. And... okay, don't laugh but I just talked to my mum because... she usually knows what to do and she agrees." Namjoon suddenly said and a little confused I looked over at him. "What do you mean?" I saw him chewing on his lower lip before nodding, maybe more to himself than me. "I think Bang... I mean it shouldn't be any of his business, but then again it is literally his business, right? So I think this wasn't quite as bad as it could have been." That last sentence almost made me laugh, remembering his frustrated face when he hat sat at Bang's desk. And in the car.
"Okay, yeah. I had to think about it for a minute. And I am still... I don't think it's okay that you have to risk your job for mine. At some point, it will come out. And I kind of want it to come out... or rather I want to not think about who knows about us at least. And that will mean you will lose this job and that is so incredibly unfair and I will hate myself for it." I took a deep breath. "I get that. I feel the same actually. Suddenly feels very selfish all of this. It's not just about us after all." Maybe the fact that Yoongi was engaged and everyone seemed to be doing their thing had given me a false sense of security, making me forget or at least ignore that a relationship was not only putting Namjoon at risk to be scrutinized by the public but all of BTS.
I heard Joon sigh next to me, reaching over, touching my hand with his. Obviously, this wasn't the first time HE had thought about it, this was his life. Had been for all of his adult life. "Things have changed. Okay? The band is important, very important. But our lives are as well. We said we wouldn't get back to it if we couldn't... have a private life worth all of this as well. I had fewer problems giving that up back then, but I am just not okay with sacrificing it anymore." "You don't have to. He didn't even give us an ultimatum. We just can't go public. And if it still happens... I'll find a new job." I heard him hiss. "Joon. Come on. I love this job, sure, but... it's not the same as for you. This is it for you but I can find different stuff to do. I love working with you all but that is more about the people than the actual work. I WILL find work that I love again. I mean... I never planned to work for HYBE forever..."
Forever.
He was still holding my hand. "That's why I want a plan." I still didn't get it. "Not sure that we can plan this. Apart from maybe being extra careful?" He was shaking his head now. "A plan what we are doing. What we want. From Life." He looked so incredibly serious. Whenever that happened his jaw got tense and he would look away, which made it hard to read him. Because I still didn't know exactly where he was going with this.
"I want you in my life. I want to keep on writing music and perform with the guys. But I want you in my life."
I heard his voice loud and clear but at the same time there was a ringing sound in my ears. Almost as if my body realized this was an important moment at the same time my brain did.
"I don't want to... distinguish between what is important to me and you anymore because I want us to plan together. I mean... of course, we are individuals and we can't always want the same things, but when I think about the future I don't just think about what I want anymore but also whether it works with what you want. And somehow... that's not only not a scary thought anymore... I think it's actually a nice feeling. We... haven't talked about these things yet. Apart from maybe where we want to go on vacation to at some point. But I want to now."
My mouth was so dry I couldn't help taking another sip from my glass, which happened to almost empty it. For a second it was as if he had connected dots in my head. None of these verbalized thoughts were new to me per se but now - as if they were in a new order - they seemed so simple but so important. So good.
"Oh Namjoon." I sighed and poured us more wine. "Too much?" He still wasn't looking up, but I could hear his voice getting soft. "No...no, not at all. I think my heart just melted actually." We both snickered. "I think that might be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me." I finally admitted and gently moved my index finger over the back of his hand. "I would like that very much. I am not sure my goals for life are as defined... or as big as yours to be honest but... I think taking each other into consideration would only make life better to be honest. You are the most wonderful person I know." He was finally looking up, smiling, raising his hand until he had lifted his arm enough for me to fit under it.
"What do you usually do when there are a thousand thoughts going through your head?" He asked after a while. "Well, a thousand... that is a lot, maybe a hundred max." I replied and he nodded. "I mindmap? When it really gets too much and I am scared I will just hide under a blanket I mindmap. Not sure that applies to this situation though..." I finally replied. "Why not? We could try. We have all evening." At first, I thought he was joking, but he was looking at me as if he had asked a question. "Joon... mind mapping the lives of two confused people... there is no flipchart big enough." I didn't want to say no, but I really couldn't imagine it in my head before Joon suddenly smiled. "One sec."
It only took a minute, I heard him rummaging through something in his office, coming back with white markers. "The blackboard above my desk isn't big enough, but what do I have these huge ass windows for?" I furrowed my brows. "Sure? It will be a mess to get off..." "Come on, Ollie. This is good. We have to do it now that we feel... all this. Before it seems dumb. Because it isn't. We each get a window. And we map out what we want. Big things and small things. Everything that makes us happy. Will make us happy. And then we see how it all fits together."
He stood there with the markers, looking down at me like other's would have with a ring in hand. Eventually, I took a deep breath and got up nodding. "Okay. Then let's do this."
What do you want in life? To be healthy. For your family to be healthy. Have enough money to be secure. But what makes you happy? What are the things you wish for? No matter whether they are logical or even realistic.
It took me a bit longer than Namjoon to start writing. Maybe because he started with the things in his life that already had some plan - mainly BTS-related. Maybe I was also just scared to ruin the windows, but the marker said something about not being waterproof in English.
I started with my job as well. Things that I maybe had no big plan about but had daydreamed about before. To write a book. On music of course. Have my own show again. Produce at some point? I was almost about to remove the last one again because clearly those were big wishes and in combination maybe just crazy but then decided to commit. No, not all of this had to become true but all of it would make my life better.
After that, it got easier. And harder at the same time. I wanted to live a healthier life. Be kinder. Be more generous. But defining that in actual plans was hard. So I just kept writing. "Can we peak?" I asked when I got stuck at some point. "Sure. There are clearly no rules to this..." Namjoon said with a chuckle and while I had some more wine I looked over what he was doing. There was - of course - a lot of music-related stuff. But also about his parents, his sister, I saw Jin's name... Yoongi's... and mine. Most of it was in English, but soon I focused on some Hangul letters. 가족 My Korean was still horrendous but this was a word one learned quite early on. Gajok. Family.
I couldn't read all the words around it. But some. Appa. Ai. Dad. Child. I saw Joon looking at me from the corner of his eye and then turning around. "Freaked out yet?" He asked while holding his breath. Quickly I shook my head. Then drew a little heart next to Family before turning around to my own window again. Okay, if he could do it, I could. Admitting to someone that you wanted them to be around for that... Family. Children. Hopefully forever... wasn't easy. For some reason, it was actually quite hard for me. But it was what I wanted as well. Maybe it was too early. Maybe it seemed absurd considering his life. Our lives. But I had definitely thought about it before.
A little later we were standing there, curiously studying the other's window. Some comments made me smile, some surprised me, some made me just want to hug him. When I was done I was looking over at Joon, not sure why I was so nervous. But he just smiled at me. "You know what I think? We don't even need to combine them. We just have to keep the other one in mind..." His dimples were so deep when he said that, his eyes were sparkling, he actually looked happy. Hadn't seen that look in a few days. And I myself felt it as well. How had this day taken a turn like this?
"That was a great idea, you are great." I murmured, my arms around his waist, burying my face into the fabric on his shoulder. Namjoon chuckled in reply, pushing his arms across my shoulders to pull me in closer. "Yeah? You looked so scared the last couple of days. To be honest, I had no idea what to do..." I smiled against his neck because apparently, we had seen the same thing in each other's expressions. "I hate that I have to go soon. But I really need to do some laundry and check my mail and... ugh, my neighbour keeps texting me every two days to pick up something that was delivered to her accidentally." "Don't go, just stay here..." "No, I really can't. Laundry. Fresh underwear..." "You can do your laundry here? Or just wear mine?" "I need to go home, Joonie." "Then... be... at home here?" I only realized that he was serious after I had started laughing, but he wasn't.
"I am serious. Move in with me?" "Wow. Calm down. We don't need to jump-start these plans right this second, right?" Now he was chuckling again. "No, of course not, but... why not? You hate that place. You are hardly there anyway. And there is definitely enough room here and I think... I think I would really like to live with you." "Namjoon, that is... really quick, don't you think?" After all, we hadn't even been back together for more than half a year. Okay, weirder things had happened but... "But what are we waiting for? Please?" He had moved on of his hands to my cheek and was gently squeezing it now. "Move in with me? I love you, please move in with me?" To stop him from taking the piss I wiped my hand through his face as well, which made him stop but also laugh more.
"I... I could never afford rent for this place." was the first argument against his idea that came to my mind. "Ollie... it's mine. I bought it. You don't have to pay rent." "But I can't live here for free!" "Why not?" "Because... that's not cool. I am not mooching off you." "What? Of course, you are not. Okay, I don't know how to say this without sounding like a dick but... I am kinda rich. I don't need your money." "Way to rub it in..." "Rub in what?" We were both on the verge of laughing now, clearly talking in circles. "Look. How about... you take the money you pay in rent right now - which by the way is way too much for that dingy little apartment - and... pay for our utilities?" "You pay that much for electricity?" "Actually, I have no idea how much I pay for electricity, but... you can also pay for groceries. And whatever you want if that is what you need. I get it. But I am pretty sure I won't ever be able to move to a place without security, that is kind of the point of this place so... also... I know you love this apartment, I see you staring outside all the time. Please, Ollie. I want this to be your home. With me." His lips were pressed against my cheeks now while he talked, giving me goosebumps. As if I needed that kind of convincing. As if his words alone weren't already enough. They were the perfect Namjoon combination of logical approach and undisguised honesty. A combination sure to sweep me off my feet.
I didn't even know why all of it sounded so mad. Micky and I had moved in together rather quickly as well. Even though that had ended pretty badly, I was sure the moving in part hadn't been the problem. It was just so unexpected, today of all days. Closing my eyes for a second I tried to concentrate enough to make a decision but my head was spinning. Of course, I wanted to. He was right, I loved this place. And thinking back my most precious moments with Namjoon were usually connected to playing house. Soon my heart was racing and the corners of my lips twitching, but I tried to keep myself from smiling too much. "Are you sure this is what you want? Not just because of what happened today?" I finally asked, because I just had to be sure. "Yes. Of course. Ollie, this is not the first time I thought about it." His fingers were stroking my cheeks now and eventually, I stopped holding back and leaned forward to kiss him. He kissed me back, but only to break away seconds later. "Is that a yes then?" "Yes, it's a yes."
His smile was infectious. When Joon smiled it was with his whole face. His eyes turning into half-moons, his teeth showing, his cheeks basically asking to be touched. "Let's call your landlord then." "Oh my god, what is the rush..." I said laughing while he hugged my waist, attempting to carry me over to my purse where my phone was. "Why wait?" Yes. Why wait.
When I woke up the next morning I felt exhausted. The jetlag was still there and it took me a few seconds to get back to the real world. My dreams had been weird but I couldn't remember much apart from feeling uneasy. But as soon as I turned around in bed and saw Joon, facing the other way, it all went away. Replaced by butterflies in my stomach. A feeling so sweet it almost made me sick. Carefully I let my fingers move over the skin of his back. But instead of cuddling back into his side, I decided to take matters into my own hand. He was right. Why wait. So I got up and called HR at Hybe. Of course, they couldn't help me but knew how to reach the people who were responsible for staff housing. By the time Namjoon stumbled into the living room still half asleep I had terminated my contract. No one had asked questions, I had no idea why the hell they would have but for some reason, I had expected them to.
"It's done. They have enough people on the waiting list for me to be able to move out by the end of the month." I said, throwing my phone next to me on the couch. Namjoon stopped, he looked confused for a second, as if he had forgotten what had happened last night. But then started smiling. And seconds later he had climbed over the back of the couch next to me. Hugging my side. "Well... then I guess... welcome home, Ollie." Seoul looked even more beautiful that day.