OLIVIA

We all should have gone to bed hours before we had. Get a good night of beauty sleep or whatever to prepare for the next day. But we hadn't of course... Nerves and happiness had mixed with excitement and alcohol. Phones put to the side, chill music, the night sky above us… A last hooray for carelessness. When I woke up way earlier than my body wanted me to it took me a second to understand that the noises from outside our room was probably staff and members getting ready already, but I couldn't help turning around again to bury my face in Joon's upper arm who in turn had not even moved a little bit yet. A few minutes passed before the noises got louder and I could hear a full-on conversation going on in front of our door. I couldn't understand the Korean, but also recognized none of the voices until it was Jin who called Namjoon's name while finally knocking. I took a deep breath and gently rubbed the skin on Joon's back and to my surprise he almost immediately opened his eyes, which was anything but normal for him. Again, Namjoon's name from outside.

"Are you decent?" he asked with a croaky voice and I just nodded, sat up in bed and let out a little. "Come in, Jin."

I didn't mind sitting there with messy hair and an oversized Namjoon shirt if it was only Jin trying to get in, but to my surprise the next second Jin walked in, but there were two Hybe managers also in the doorway and I let out a little gasp and pulled my blanket tighter around me. The fuck...

The words coming out of Namjoon's mouth also sounded somewhat like a curse when he sat up, but Jin ignored all of it, closed the door behind him - basically shutting it in front of the manager's faces - and then sat down on the side of the bed.

"Problem." He said. "We have a problem." His eyes were fixated on Namjoon who visibly swallowed and then looked down at Jin's phone in his hands. "What happened. What leaked?"

It was the wedding. Which all things considered wasn't surprising. We all had expected it and it was just a shame that it couldn't have happened afterwards because this would mean much more press and fans around the venue. But Jin's voice was so concerned and he kept talking so fast that that couldn't be all.

"The main headline is... Yoongi getting married. First details being published about Sangie and her family..."

Uff. Also to be expected and still... man, one could only hope that the "wedding task force" at Hybe had prepared well enough to instruct family, friends and work colleagues on how to interact with incoming media attention.

"But... basically all articles then move on to us attending. And that it can be expected that we finally will present our girlfriends."

My mouth fell open and none of us said anything for a few seconds. "What..." I finally murmured. "But why?"

"Look. It is not just some that are making speculations. It is basically all of them. Managers say it could be that it's interesting news to publish and they are all just copying from each other. That Yoongi getting married is a sign we can all openly date now. But it is just as likely that someone... spilled something."

There were ALWAYS rumors about who the individual members were dating, usually it didn't seem to bother anyone too much. Now Jin seemed seriously concerned and I could see Namjoon moving his hands through his hair. The silence was killing me.

"Is there anything we can do? Or... should?" I asked. There had been a plan all along. We would sit at a table with the other Hybe staff invited. We wouldn't talk to the guys while we were at the venue. We wouldn't full-on hug Yoongi or Sangie but only make polite chatter to congratulate them. It was annoying but the only way we could attend a big event like that, so we had all agreed to it.

"Yes, that is... what they..." Jin gestured to the door and the two managers, who probably were still standing behind it. "...want. So the stories broke in the middle of the night apparently and they have been talking and... think... look I am really sorry about this but I thought I'd rather tell you than let them do it... They think you shouldn't come."

It hit me harder than it should have. Surely with what he was saying he didn't mean me specifically. More like... well... "the girlfriends" But at that moment it felt like he was telling just ME not to come.

"Oh..." I murmured. Without a word, Jin took one of my hands and gently let his index finger glide over mine. "I mean I hate it as well, but I had an hour to think about it and it really is for the best, you get that, right?" I slowly nodded, realizing Namjoon had gotten up from bed next to me. "I hate it." Jin repeated. "And Yoongi will hate it as well, I know how much you mean to him..."

It came from a good place but that was the last thing I wanted to hear right now. Pressing my lips together, I looked away when tears gathered in my eyes.

Over the next hour - before everyone left for the wedding - I tried to put on a brave face. This wasn't about me, this was Yoongi's and Sangie's day. And I didn't want to ruin it for anyone else either. It really was for the best. But of course that didn't change how I felt on the inside: Sad. A little guilty. And dramatically questioning myself whether this was the blueprint for every single special event in my life from now on.

I almost started crying at the breakfast table thinking about how I could miss Yoongi getting married while being 20 minutes away. Georgia and Sue didn't look too happy either, but kept it together better. We soon heard that basically all female staff members who had been supposed to come were now not coming to avoid rumors, which was about the most sexist and stupid thing I had ever heard. Namjoon didn't really know how to handle saying goodbye to me after seeing how Tae and Jimin giving me extra attention had only made matters worse for a moment, so in the end he just gave me a big hug. We gave him our money envelopes to give Yoongi in private and then they were gone.

All of a sudden, the house was very quiet. Until Georgia, arms folded in front of her chest and to my surprise also a little teary-eyed, turned around to face both of us. "Okay. I know what you are thinking. And I am glad you held it together for them." Now she was looking right at me. "But. If we are going to be stuck here all day alone and miss out on everything... let's at least not... pretend this doesn't suck." I was chewing on my lower lip. "I get it. It isn't just about us but... it kinda is. So if we can't even be sad to miss the wedding of a good friend and potentially being hidden away from now on..." She didn't have to finish her sentence, she really did get it.

"When did you get so wise?" Sue asked, a little sniffle in her voice. "Oh..." she murmured, moving one arm around Sue. "I think a long time ago. When Kook and I decided this wouldn't ever be serious." Whether they had been successful at not being serious was to be debated, but I couldn't help and stare at Georgia. Was it true that in the end she was the one who had had the most foresight?

We sat around the couch for a while and finally it was Hobi that had the - quite obvious but in the rush of things first not thought of - idea to stream the wedding for us. The video wasn't the best quality and we couldn't understand much, but at least we saw Yoongs getting married.

And it was beautiful. And after what Georgia had said I didn't mind admitting it: I would have loved to have been there.

Sue told us that most Korean weddings were not a very long event. Hand over present to a relative, get meal ticket in return, ceremony, food, bye. But this wasn't held at a typical wedding venue in downtown Seoul and had it's whole own flair. Eventually, Hobi's phone battery died and we decided to make food as well. Namjoon texted me heart emojis from time to time which I appreciated. We had decided to not check social media, but in the afternoon I couldn't resist anymore. There was such a big amount of articles being published about the wedding that it was hard to really say what the consensus seemed to be so far. Some seemed surprised but applauded, Twitter was just in shock and firing not well thought through tweets into the void but by the time I saw the first nasty comment on Sangie I immediately put down my phone again. Enough.

We should have probably just gone to bed but having hung out around the house all day none of us had been really tired so we were still drinking wine in the living room when the guys came back late at night, a little drunk. We could hear them walking up the driveway laughing and then it got really quiet once they were in. It didn't last long. Soon they were laughing and talking about the evening again, Jin and Namjoon the only ones trying to calm it a little for our sake, but I didn't mind. It was done. And I wanted to know, of course. I hadn't expected to laugh quite a bit before going to bed, listening to their stories and drinking more wine. It was as if the world outside could be forgotten about for at least a little while longer when I was with these people. Eventually Jungkook had to carry Tae to bed because he had passed out on the couch and then everyone else slowly went up as well. Namjoon took a shower while I got ready for bed and I had to admit that I was already missing the loud atmosphere downstairs because now that it was quiet I couldn't hide the fact that I wasn't talking much. When Joon got into bed, he hugged me from behind and buried his face in my neck, planting a few little kisses across my skin. "Missed you." he murmured and I stroked his hands on my stomach a little.

He had done nothing wrong, absolutely nothing. No one really had. And still I felt weird... We had been together for a while now and especially when Namjoon had been sick we had had our fair share of fights. But it had never been awkward. Maybe even awkward was the wrong word for what it felt like to be in his arms tonight. Maybe desperation fitted better, but that sounded incredibly harsh. We hardly spoke, when I perhaps should have but still didn't want to make the evening all about us, even when... well, it was literally just the two of us now. Instead, I eventually turned around and dove into Namjoon's arm, we fell asleep hugging each other.