We fall right in and suffer the sins

Try to pull things round when the air starts to thin

We nurse regrets, restricted in our own belief

A new disease

Comfort in Sound by Feeder

Joyce sighed and poured herself another glass of wine. She might as well finish the bottle tonight rather than save it for tomorrow. Another night alone in front of the TV awaited her since… since Buffy left. Joyce took another sip of wine. Wine was good. It helped her not think about Buffy and that damn phone. And the less she thought about it the more likely she was to remain reasonably sane. She stole a quick glance at her phone and cursed to herself. Her phone an enemy in her own home. Never ringing. Never even making a sound. So much for her sanity. It had been a month and not one word from Buffy. Mr Giles and her friends knew nothing and given how upset each of them were she believed them. Her little girl was out there somewhere, and she had no idea of where and how she was.

There was a knock at the door and Joyce looked at it. She sighed knowing life couldn't be that good to just have her only child knock at her door but got up and answered it. Xander, one of Buffy's closet friends was on the other side. "Hi Mrs Summers," he smiled reassuring if a bit awkwardly.

"Xander hello," Joyce replied before asking. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh well I was just in the neighbourhood and wanted to pop in and say hello to see if you were alright." Xander explained and Joyce couldn't help but roll her eyes. Ah yes, the group were keeping taps on her, checking up on her and making sure she was okay. All because she had lost it with them practically had a nervous breakdown with them when she told them Buffy had run away. They had in turn explained the supernatural and Buffy's direct involvement in it. She couldn't even drive herself home that day as she was hysterical wreck. Now they were making sure she wasn't going to have another episode. Guess it was Xander's turn.

"How sweet," she lied before stepping to one side. "Would you like to come- "

"Ah rule number 1!" Xander quickly cut her off and Joyce looked startled before remembering when Rupert had sat her down and explained the rules of protecting oneself from vampires. She forgotten with her mind elsewhere.

"Sorry," Joyce simply said and Xander stepped inside.

"It's okay I sometimes forget them no matter how hard Giles and Buffy remind me," Xander smiled at her as she closed the front door and gestured for him to go into the living room. He frowned slightly at seeing the half empty bottle of wine and glass on the coffee table. "So how have you been?"

"Better," Joyce told him sitting down on the couch and he took a seat at a nearby chair. "I am sort of throwing myself into work to take my mind off things." That was good as he recalled the first week she could barely be anywhere away from her phone. At least now she was getting out Xander thought to himself. "Is your arm now better?" She asked him looking at his arm that had been broken.

"Yes, I had the cast removed a few days ago," Xander said raising it. "Still a little stiff but it's all healed now. One of the mysteries of the Xan-man I heal fast I guess." He smiled putting his arm back down. An uneasy silence came on. What really were they meant to say to each other? They were not friends? Had barely spoken to each other and had used up all the polite small talk they had apart from commenting on the weather. Xander didn't like silence when around other people as it tended to make him… well uneasy. I wonder if I can avoid saying the wrong thing in this uncomfortable moment Xander wondered knowing his habit of doing such a thing was pretty bad.

"That's not going to help by the way," Xander said pointing at the bottle of wine. Nice one Xander he thought to himself.

"Oh, please like you would know!" Joyce snapped at him. The last thing she needed and wanted was judgement or an after school special from one of her daughter's friends.

"More than you know," Xander offered quietly which caused Joyce to look at him in confusion. "My parents," he sighed oh how he loathe to talk about his parents. 'Let's just say they aren't happy people. They are both pretty fond of alcohol particularly my father and it … doesn't make them any happier."

"Well, what I am I supposed to do?!" Joyce said her temper flared. "Bake cookies?! Buffy is gone because me and this life that she was involved in. A life I had no idea about all of this!" She waved her arms around her helplessly. "I was just confused and unsure of how to deal to with a troubled girl let alone a vampire slayer!" Xander didn't really know what to do or say in such a situation. Willow would know what to say, Giles would be all British cleaning glasses but probably figure it out. Xander? He was as lost as he had ever been. "All the things I have done to her… no wonder she ran away." Joyce muttered looking sadly away which caught his interest.

"I'm not sure that you should beat yourself up so much for grounding her." Xander offered helpfully. "You weren't to know that she was saving the world."

"I did worse than a grounding," Joyce said and then took note of Xander's confusion. Sighing she decided she might as well confess her sins tonight what harm could it lead. "It was around the time when Buffy burned down her high school gym. The police were involved, charges being suggested, parents in hysterics and… she confessed. She told me all of it. That she was some vampire killer called to save the world. I thought she was mad, that she was on drugs and had fallen into some gang. I did the only thing I thought was right for her… I sent her to a psychiatric clinic." Joyce looked down in shame. "We sent her to get help, to get counselling and to stop with her ridiculous lies. In a way it worked the police without enough concrete evidence back off, the school only expelled her, and she was only there for a few weeks until she probably wised up and stopped talking about being a slayer."

Xander looked dumbstruck at that revelation. Buffy had never said anything. Not given any hint. All this time he thought that Joyce just considered Buffy a troubled teenager who's acting out. But to now know that she had placed her daughter in intensive psychiatric care for several weeks was mind blowing. Any worse for Joyce was that it was all true. Every word that Buffy had spoken to Joyce was 100% percent true. The guilt was eating her up as was Buffy's disappearance. He dropped down to his knees in front of the older woman. "You didn't know, you couldn't have believed it." Xander stated.

"But I should have!" Joyce growled back at him disgusted with herself. "I didn't believe a word she had said. I'm a mother who locked her only child in the looney bin and threw away the key until she got 'better'." Joyce spat out the word like it was poison. "I'm a terrible parent. An inattentive and uncaring mother!" She burst into tears and now Xander was in real trouble. Should he leave? He had never seen a grown-up cry in front of him. If it was Willow or Buffy, he would hug them and offer words of advice. Deciding this was the best course of action he moved closer to her, hesitating for a moment before wrapping his arm around her.

In an instant she melted into his arms. He could feel her, the warmth of her body, the warmth of her breath, heavily tainted with alcohol. It was a rather awkward and intimate position to be in with your best friend's mom. When Joyce had broken down learning the whole truth about Buffy being a vampire slayer it was Willow who had the hugging and soothing words. It was Xander's turn, and he was at a loss what to do. He tried to speak, to say something comforting but he just couldn't find the words to say. There were things going on inside her that he didn't understand so instead he gently wrap his arm around her, soothing her back with his hand. She buried her head in his shoulder letting herself express all the pent-up emotion she had been holding in. He probably thinks of me being pathetic now she thought darkly to herself. After commanding herself several times to stop finally the last of her tears left her and she raised her head to his.

"I never cared for this shirt anyway," Xander said with a smile as she realised, she had left a damp spot. She looked a little guilty and he shrugged a little. "It's okay, I don't mind but how are you?" he asked, his voice and eyes full of concern. A lock of hair had fallen over his right eye. Joyce reached out to brush the hair back into place, and Xander turned slightly and looked directly at her. Joyce met his gaze and they looked at each other for a minute. Without thinking, Joyce leaned across Xander and gently brushed her lips against his. It was a passionate and needy kiss. He could feel her teeth through her lips as she pressed against him. She felt him tense slightly in surprise, before feeling him kiss her back.

No sooner had it begun that Joyce pulled back in shock at her actions. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to I" She was cut off by Xander's lips against hers. This time it was Xander who leaned forward and initiated the kiss. His lips pressed against Joyce's, first hesitantly, then more firmly. Joyce's panic and confusion fell away as Xander kissed her, she melted into him as his arms wrapped around her. He was stronger than she would have thought. Her hands slid up his chest and wrapped around his neck. She felt his lips begin to part and she sighed into his mouth, and they deepened the kiss. When she didn't protest, Xander began to place tiny kisses on first Joyce's chin, then her nose, her eyes, and then her neck. Xander sucked gently on her neck as the vein pulsed beneath him.

This wasn't a good idea more like drowning one's sorrows, a way of forgetting everything wrong with her life but she couldn't stop herself. She felt a heat rise within her, something she hadn't felt for a long time as she imagined some dirty scenarios involving Xander and herself as pulled his head back to kiss him again. Their kisses were getting bolder and bolder, with each of them taking turns tasting the other. Their hands were starting to move, with Joyce's hands going under his shirt and along his bare back and Xander's hands moving down to Joyce's butt, where he gently cupped and squeezed her.

He thought he had gone too far, but it seemed that Joyce had already come to a decision as he took his hand and led him away from the couch and up the stairs. Joyce caught him staring at her and another rush of excitement swept through her. She decided that if something were to happen, it would happen and there was nothing anyone could say about it. After climbing the stairs, they quickly moved towards Joyce's bedroom, entering the darkened room and closing the door behind them.

"It's been awhile," she revealed to him almost out of the blue. "Since I've been with a man. Not since Buffy's father... I was dating Ted, but nothing happened with him."

Probably a good thing too considering he was a robot Xander thought to himself. He felt her fingers across his cheek as she touched him. Joyce moved her hand slowly down Xander's chest, feeling his muscled torso as she shook slightly, her heartbeat quickening. She moved her hand lower, lightly touching his hardened bulge with her fingers.

"Oh my god," she muttered under her breath.

Joyce knew that this was wrong, that no good could come from it. But she needed him, someone or anything to make her feel. To feel better than she felt in a long time. Joyce touched his clothed erection with her fingers, feeling him weaken slightly with her touch. This was for comfort, she had realised. She was taking advantage of Xander, but she just couldn't stop. She moved her hand away his groin, trailing back up to his face. Mrs. Summers leaned forward and kissed him tentatively on the lips.

They moved across the room until the pair hit the edge of the bed and fell back on it, with Joyce on top of him. Joyce sat back on his hips and started to tug on Xander's t-shirt. "Off, I want this off," she whispered, finally pulling the shirt over her head. She quickly pulled off her own top, undoing her bra she lay down on top of the younger man, kissing and rubbing up against him. Moving a lot more smoothly than either of them were used to, Xander rolled them both over so that Joyce was on her back, and he was lying beside her. Looking down at her, he started kissing her again, starting at her mouth and working his way down her face and neck until he was looking at her breasts.

Even though Xander had seen many a breast on paper thanks to Playboy looking at a pair was so much better. Joyce's breasts were soft and round and topped by dark pink nipples that were hardening even as he watched. Joyce became uncomfortable under his gaze. Suddenly feeling foolish, a middle-aged woman about to bed a man who appeared to be many years her junior, she flushed and covered herself with her hands. Xander saw the flush come over Joyce. He saw the self-doubt in her eyes and smiled. "You're beautiful." Lowering his mouth, he began to nip and suck her nipples, seeing how much more he could get them to harden. Joyce making small cries and moans as he tasted her, her hips squirming on the bed.

Joyce arched up into his mouth and began to pant. He paid equal attention to each breast bringing sighs and moans from Joyce. "Xander please... I need you inside me..." At this Xander seemed to stop and moved away from her. Joyce looked at him in confusion. "What's wrong?"

Xander began to blush, and stammered out, "Well… I never… I mean… I haven't before", trailing off. Joyce didn't understand at first, but then realized what he was meaning.

"You mean, you never did this with Cordelia?" She asked gently.

"Cordy let me touch her, but not more than that." Xander hesitated a moment further, looking down at his chest. Joyce felt cold and uneasy. The spell or whatever she had been under had been broken. She was about to bed a much younger man who in many ways was still a boy. She covered herself with her hands and edged away from him.

"I think you should go," she said quietly her back to him.

"I'm sorry," he replied. "I still want to do it but!"

"Don't say anymore please!" She cut him off not allowing him to finish. "Just please leave now!" She pleaded to him. Her face was away from him so he couldn't see how upset she was and how she was barely holding it together, but he could hear the steel in her voice and knew that pushing her would only make her more adamant. Not trusting his voice, he nodded and went about picking up his shirt taking one last look at her he closed the door to her bedroom and went downstairs.

Joyce let out a sob she had been holding in when she heard the front door close. How did her life lead her to this?