Author's note: Hello! First, I want to thank you all for the welcome back. I'm really excited to get back into writing and reading your reviews honestly makes my day! Also, I don't edit too heavily from lack of time, so sorry about any errors.
As a last remark; phrases in italics are character thoughts.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"He's unsteady." Ino voiced warily but truthfully. Naruto could hear them all talking from outside his room. He drowsily blinked his eyes, although he hadn't quite been asleep, he had been enjoying the peace and quiet.
His room had always been an explosion of colour growing up, but now if he looked behind him he knew he the only thing he would see was a solitary bright orange accent wall. It had been Ino's idea. He had actually wanted to paint his entire room a vibrant orange. This had been a compromise. He had done that a lot for them. For his friends, and his family. He had given up many things, things he had wanted. How much more did they expect him to give up? He didn't know. Probably wouldn't find out until his death, when he was sure the entirety of his life would flash before him and all he would be left with was a feeling of regret.
A soft "Ino, not so loud," jolted his thoughts back to his current predicament. He eyed his door in irritation. Sighing in resignation he stood from his bed and sluggishly made his way to the door. There really was only one way to get rid of the lot.
"If I'm so unsteady maybe you should stay away from my room." He casually remarked as soon as he swung the door fully open. He'd been wearing the same sweatpants and t-shirt for over a week. Sakura puckered her lips in what he assumed to be disgust.
"That's not what I meant!" Ino rebuked; not at all ashamed at being caught.
"I just mean, you're…." He noticed she hesitated for a long time before completing her sentence. "upset."
How was he supposed to respond to such an obvious accusation? Just two weeks ago he had been blindsided. Just two weeks ago he had come to learn that loving hurts, a lot more than it should. Just two weeks ago he had lost before even been given a goddamn chance. "Just two weeks ago I lost her."
The looks he received from Sakura, Ino and Shikamaru had him in a panic.
Did I say that aloud?
"You never had her," Shikamaru unhelpfully provided. It made Naruto cringe and Sakura and Ino elbow the brown eyed man in the ribs. "What?" He questioned, holding his now aching side. "I'm not wrong." This statement he exclaimed with an eyeroll.
"Can I help you all with something?" Naruto finally spoke up. "Last time I checked, I'm staying out of trouble and not bothering anyone. What more can you ask for? Unless there's some pending matters to be dealt with regarding my dad and his…requests, I don't see a need for you to be here."
He could see the flash of hurt cross Sakura's face, green eyes twinkling in what seemed like sympathy. Did he really look that pathetic?
"We know. We just wanted to hang out, since we've got a month before our last semester starts up we figured we would enjoy the break as best we can." Sakura's voice was soft, so much softer than he was used to.
Naruto looked at a fixed point above her head, refusing to meet her eyes. He knew the sadness in his eyes would be reflected back at him through a pair of emerald ones. He knew she understood him almost better than anyone else.
Almost… but not quite.
Naruto swore his mind was his greatest enemy. Before he could think twice a pair of soft lilac eyes popped into his mind. He might as well have been transparent under her knowing gaze. Those peculiar eyes of hers could see him, could see right through him. Her gaze had unravelled him more than once before. He would give anything to watch her do it again. To feel her do it again.
He remembered just a couple of months ago they had run into each other at their University's library. She had been carrying books piled so high she couldn't even see where she was going. It had taken him less than the blink of an eye to march up to her and tease her about it.
"I'm honestly surprised," he had said then, taking some of her load off, "that it takes 6 books to block your vision. I would have assumed it only took 4." Then he had boisterously laughed and pretended to measure her miniature height against his. He remembered as if it happened yesterday the way her charming laughter echoed around him. The way she hadn't been bothered by his joke; the way she had playfully glared at him and said she was actually carrying 7 books, not 6.
Everything always felt like that with Hinata; it felt easy. Effortless almost, which isn't what Naruto had been used to. He had always worked for everything; for respect, for friendship, for the love of others. He was constantly earning these things. No one had ever just offered their friendship, or respect, or even love. Maybe besides his parents. But no one had definitely ever seemingly appeared out of thin air and plugged a whole he hadn't even known existed in his life.
He hadn't… he hadn't ever known that his life after Hinata would be so dull.
"Hello! Earth to Naruto. We're still here you know." Ino's voice was loud and aggressive this time. It echoed off the hallway walls.
Not for the first time it drew his attention to the way this compound was built. Every building was efficient, businesslike. Six rooms per floor, 3 on one side and 3 on the other. The rooms looked identical, each an exact replica of the one in front, the one beside. Everything was symmetrical, and organized. He hated everything about this place. Everything about how the dorms were arranged, about how his life was basically a dictation. He had been treated like a machine growing up; he was still thought of as a machine. One of many conveniently raised with only one purpose.
"Naruto," Shikamaru's voice was strained.
For what felt like the millionth time Naruto sighed. He didn't want to hang out with them. As much as he loved his friends he just wanted to be alone; to think and fantasize. However, one good look at Shikamaru told him neither Sakura nor Ino would allow him to keep bailing on them.
Heaving in an unpleasant manner, blonde spikes jostled and fell in front of his eyes. "Fine. I'll go. Just give me a bit. I probably should shower."
"Oh thank God." Ino exclaimed, exaggeratedly holding her breath. "You reek."
Grunting in frustration Naruto mumbled to give him 30 minutes and slammed the door in their faces.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"The mall will be so much fun Hina!" Clear, teal eyes stared back at her in excitement. Something she hadn't felt in weeks.
"I'm just not really in the mood to be honest," Hinata responded softly, she had noted that even her voice had lost strength.
Temari's face changed from excitement into a bitter scowl, clearly not impressed with her answer. She really didn't care much at this point. For the better part of 2 weeks she hadn't left the compound for anything.
"Hinata…." Came the whiny response, "I understand you're sad, but we need to get you up and moving. You're moping. Hinata never mopes!" Temari had become very informative these past couple of weeks apparently. Still, Hinata did not budge.
"Hina, look I-I haven't seen you this sad in a long time. Last time you baked so much you had been inconsolable."
Pale lavender eyes widened, startled at her words. This topic being brought up was the last thing Hinata needed right now. "I haven't baked all that much," she defended, rather weakly.
"I've eaten 27 fucking cookies," a new voice interrupted. Shortly after Hinata watched spiky dark hair make its way into the kitchen, a pale hand grasped at something on the counter. "28," Sasuke amended while biting into a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie.
Neji waltzed in after him, his long hair neatly tied into a low ponytail. This time he wasn't wearing the bandana across his forehead and the tattoo of an Uchiha crest and Hyuga flame inside of a crescent moon was clearly visible. Quickly yet casually Neji snuck half of a cookie into his mouth.
"This is my 30th. Death by cookie is how I'll go if you don't stop," he warned and it managed to crack a smile from her. Something she was sure she hadn't done since the atrium incident.
"I feel like you're all exaggerating," Hinata reasoned, laughing slightly as she spoke.
"You're wrong." Hinata knew this velvety smooth voice very well. She turned just in time to watch Itachi, Sasuke's older brother, sneak a cookie off the plate. "They've been keeping score and everything," he politely informed her. "I think Gaara is winning though."
"Oh?" Temari spoke, a sick sort of pride filled smirk etching across her lips . "How many has my foolish little brother eaten?"
"33," Gaara's voice sounded pained. "But I will throw up if I have to eat another," he paused in deep thought. "No offense," he added stoically, looking intently at Hinata. She shook her head dismissively not really caring about the statement. She actually found this whole ordeal to be somewhat amusing.
"Holy shit Hinata, just between the three of us that's almost 100 cookies."
"That's not even counting the rest of the compound, who knows how many they have eaten."
Sweet, soft giggles peeled passed her lips. A lightness she hadn't felt in weeks suddenly entering her system. How could she ever have isolated herself to the point of ignoring all of them? They always made everything so much better, regardless of the situation at hand. They would always be her family.
"Ah, okay. Last batch," she spoke while pulling out a tray of a dozen from the oven, "I promise!"
Itachi's eyes crinkled gently as he approached her. "I can take care of these," he guaranteed while taking all of the left over cookies. All Hinata could do was nod in amusement at his obvious pining. If anything, she knew Itachi had always loved those cookies. He had loved them when her mom made them and now he loved when she made them.
"Whatever," Temari deadpanned. "Can we go to the mall now? I'm craving a pretzel." Temari loved salty foods, Hinata knew that too. There was actually very little she didn't know about her friends, about her family. She was observant, and detail oriented. It didn't hurt that her intelligence was so far above average. She knew things; things most people hadn't bothered to even want to know. Maybe it was intuition too. Maybe she could connect with people's feelings and just know.
A mix between logic and heart was always the key to success; it's what her mother used to tell her. But now, now her dad hated that saying. Anything to do with the heart was a danger to their lives. Maybe that's why it hurt even more than usual to know her feelings for Naruto would never be validated. Because they would've been, if her mom were still alive.
"Yeah," she heard herself speak, not a shred of the lightness she had felt just a minute ago present on her soft features. "I'll get changed and meet you guys at the front."
She left too soon to see the saddened eyes of her best friends behind her.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Naruto went about in the same way for the whole month of winter break. He would mope long enough for his friends to chastise him, drag him out and make him enjoy a night. Then he'd come right back to moping. Although he was normally able to shake off pessimistic thoughts and feelings with relative ease, for some reason he wasn't able to move on from this. He wasn't able to shake himself free of the utter disappointment he felt knowing Hinata was out there, across town and he for the life of him wouldn't be able to reach out to her.
Holidays felt so pointless this time around, the laughs his dad had attempted to share with him and Kakashi felt like daggers knowing he was kind of betraying them for having feelings for her.
Not to mention he had kept a gift, a gift he had especially bought to give her during Christmas. It'd been a way for him to undoubtedly confess his feelings, to let her know how quickly and effortlessly she had become a huge part of his world. A light in a world where even the shadows had shadows. A light in his shitty, lying ridden life.
He had never wanted anything as badly as he wanted her. Never craved someone's presence as much as her soothing one. At this point he had branded himself as obsessed, because really there wasn't another way to describe the overwhelming urges he had to resist. The urge to text her, to call her, to tell his entire family to go fuck themselves and run away with her. Yet he did. He squashed those urges as soon as he felt them coming. He had been doing exactly what he had been taught to do in the compound. Completely shut off his reactions to feelings. Yes, he acknowledged them, but he was trained better than to give in to them. At least he thought so. Some nights were easier than others; some nights were absolute hell.
He'd read once, in a book he didn't care to recall the title of, about different types of obsessions. "All unhealthy," he reminded himself aloud. Somehow in the dead of night, with no light aside from the moon outside his window he felt the most vulnerable. The most likely to drown in thoughts of soft lilac eyes, of midnight silky hair, of a gentle yet blinding smile.
"All unhealthy," he repeated shaking his head free of the troublesome thoughts.
His world had always been built on shadows, every sort of grey and black imaginable. Very little times could he have imagined meeting a source of light as bright as his mother had been. She had taken him by surprise that day at the café, when he realized he saw colour, for the first time in what felt like ages. It was slight, almost entirely too dull but it was real.
Then when they had spoken for the first time the colour had brightened, even if just a little. Consequently, little by little she had shed the different shades of darkness that riddled his everyday life and provided the brightest shades of hue he had ever seen. Suddenly, he had woken up one cold winter morning, a couple of weeks before the atrium incident to the realization that he wanted to see his life in colour. Wanted to plan out a future for himself brighter than the sun itself.
She had done that for him. She had unknowingly motivated him. Through their late night calls and texts, through her unwavering support, through her caring and gentle smiles. Her very existence had been guiding him to a better life, to a brighter tomorrow.
"And now what. What do I have now!?" He yelled. Feeling the droplets of water cascading down his face did nothing to ease his anger and frustration. "Shadows," he responded after a long time, the outrage deflating into an unsettling indifference. "My world will always be made of shadows."
Again he tried to rattle himself aggressively, almost knocking down the picture of him and his family. At least his mother still provided colour in the picture…
"Tomorrow," he promised himself, tomorrow would be a new day. Tomorrow would be the start of a new semester. His last semester actually. The last chance he had before enslaving himself to his family's duties for the rest of his life. Tomorrow he would wake up fine.
"What a fucking lie." Dull, blue eyes closed in distress. Tomorrow, he would not be fine.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hinata knew it was bound to happen, especially with sharing the same major as his best friend, yet she really hadn't mentally prepared herself to watch him walk right passed her as if she didn't exist. It had hurt a lot more than what she expected; it had caused bile to pool at the base of her throat. It had made most of her body go numb. How was he so okay? How was he able to look through her, as if he hadn't shared some of the most vulnerable details about himself to her? As if they hadn't, for the majority of the past months continuously spoken before, during and after classes?
It hurt. It hurt to breathe the same air as him, knowing he simply didn't care. Now she didn't want to go to class; she very suddenly didn't want to be an engineer. She didn't care about how dropping out would affect her life. She just wanted to leave as quickly as her legs would willingly take her.
She didn't dare look up, the fear of indifferent blue eyes judging her kept her head bowed. He probably thought she was an idiot; this silly girl trying to reach the unattainable. He would be correct in thinking so; she was the very definition of an idiot. This affiliation would benefit no one. It would actually destroy bonds they both had spent an entire life building. But she wanted it so goddamn bad, wanted to be beside him. Wanted to walk towards whatever the future held with him.
Against Hinata's better judgement she snuck a glance in his direction. He stood between Tenten and Shikamaru, conversing amiably. Not an ounce of heartache visible to her. His smile stretched as wide as it used to, his eyes sparkled as blazingly as they always had, and his posture as relaxed as she had always noted it to be. Nothing had changed for him; it hadn't broken him like it did her. It was proof enough, for her at least, to know she was the weak one. The one who had mistakenly fallen for a scorching star, a star that burned far too brilliantly to be grasped by the likes of her.
Hinata's grip on her backpack straps tightened significantly, willing the tears she felt stinging her eyes back into the depths of her heart. If anything, she would at least not give him the pleasure and satisfaction of watching her break.
She tried desperately to will her heart to let her eyes roam, to not be fixated on the small dimples forming perfectly at both corners of his lips. She screamed in her mind to be able to not notice the way his blonde spikes seemingly fought against gravity to stay upright. She tried so incredibly hard not to smile at the thought of toned arms encircling her body protectively like he had that night. But alas, Hinata had no self-control around Naruto, so her eyes stayed glued to his form; and then it happened. It only lasted a second but she was sure it happened. He had made eye contact with her, had looked at her the way he always did. She had seen it then; the vulnerability, and the sorrow so carefully hidden underneath pools of cerulean. Even if only for the briefest of moments, it was there. At least she thought she saw it.
Shaking her head slightly, she fixed her gaze at the ceiling. Hinata could feel herself crumble under his stare, but didn't find the courage to look back at him. She really didn't feel like being there at all. Like having her mind be infested with thoughts of him, thoughts of a life she so desperately wanted but was forbidden to have. How much did she actually need a Biomedical Engineering degree? Her life was already planned out for her, had been since her birth. So, why? Why did she need to be here? It was pointless.
"I don't need this," she whispered softly to herself. It was enough of an assurance to get up from the desk she had been sitting at. She hadn't even taken off her backpack anyways. She tried to walk gracefully, holding onto whatever confidence she could muster while marching passed them, passed him.
She was mere steps away from reaching the exit when someone nonchalantly placed a hand on her unsuspecting left shoulder, effectively changing her course. Her body had turned around quickly, hands already out in a defensive stand. The breath she had been holding leaving her rapidly.
"Whoa!" The boy chuckled awkwardly, hands coming up to feign innocence. "Class hasn't even started, but you're going to bail already? Doesn't seem like you, Hi-na-ta." The way he had broken up her name gave her the impression that he knew exactly who she was, what family she belonged to. From her peripheral she watched Naruto's muscles tense, deep-blue eyes taking in the scene unfolding before him. It had apparently also piqued Shikamaru's and Tenten's interest, she noted. Their eyes looked just as confused as she felt.
Now is not the time! She reminded herself.
"Do I know you?" She decided to ask as politely as she could. The stranger had not missed the impersonal tone she had taken to using with him.
"Not yet," he admitted, almost arrogantly. He shrugged and winked at her rather playfully. She couldn't stop herself from making a face filled with distaste. "But," he continued, not fazed by her lack of interest; now his tone was mischievous, "you will."
He had walked away from her without allowing her the time to respond, to figure out what the hell had just happened. He had walked out of the classroom without a second glance in her direction. She had decidedly never seen him before. He hadn't been in any of the engineering programs. She would know, the classes had gotten significantly smaller as the years progressed. So why was he here? Waiting for her; logically she knew. Why though? That would remain a mystery.
Snapping out of her thoughts she realized their professor had finally arrived. Looking back as discreetly as she could, she noticed both Naruto and Tenten walking toward the exit, leaving Shikamaru by himself. As observant as she was, she had completely missed the look Naruto was throwing her way. A concerned grimace taking hold of his lips. His arms had been crossed at his chest, muscles tightened in a fighting position. She had missed all of it.
"Hinata," her professor spoke. "Would you mind taking a seat?"
"Sure," she responded, desperately looking for any available seats. That interaction with the no name stranger had occurred while her already small class filled up.
"There," her professor spoke again, pointing toward the only empty seat in the class. The one seat she desperately did not want to accept. All pairs of eyes stared at her until she sighed in compliance. Sluggishly, Hinata walked up to the empty desk, sparing the man already taking up one of the two spots a fleeting look.
"Sorry," she whispered, knowing that he would probably hate this arrangement. Again, she had missed the way Shikamaru's eyebrows rose in surprise at her submissive nature. A glimpse of regret lurking in chocolate eyes.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It had been a couple of weeks. Weeks since he had properly gotten a good look at her. It had been very apparent that Hinata had avoided every situation humanly possible that would lead her to cross paths with him. She had even been getting to her engineering class late, he knew.
Her friends no longer ate lunch at the atrium; not that he was expecting them to, but still. He half wished his friends would relocate to a new spot as well. The memories were fresh when he was there. The early mornings and late afternoons studying or just fooling around with her. He could clearly see them all paying out in his mind's eye. Could see the way her nose would crinkle at a distasteful yet funny joke. The way her fingers fiddled with her shirt, or with her other hand when she felt stressed. The way her eyes would glaze over when she was far too focused to notice anything around her. He could still clearly recall how she wore her emotions on her face, how the vulnerability in her features took his breath away. He remembered all of it.
Worst of all he remember that crucial night, the night he had shared one of his deepest insecurities with her and she had smiled. She had stayed; she had not been scared or disgusted. She had accepted his scars. Accepted him.
"How are your classes going, Naruto?" Sakura still spoke to him with such gentility that it made him nauseous.
"Fine. I only have 3," he admitted. Catching his friends by surprise.
"Not 5?" Shikamaru questioned.
"No, I dropped 2," he answered honestly and uncaring. Taking small bites of his lunch that tasted bland. Maybe it was a 'him' problem now, everything tasted bland now a days…even ramen.
"Why?" Shikamaru asked, as stoically as he could muster.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Ino spoke up at the same time. Tenten beside her looked completely appalled by his confession.
"That's a rather dumb decision." Shino shared his input, and now Naruto knew. It really had been a dumb decision. Shino typically did not make these types of comments. It was almost enough to change his mind, but not quite enough to really pique and hold his concern.
Sakura had been oddly quiet during this exchange. Emerald eyes narrowing in sympathy yet again. He knew that look. Before this situation with Hinata unfolded he got that look from her once a year. During his mother's anniversary of death. Now it was an everyday feature on her face. He hated it, hated being sympathized by her. Like he couldn't take care of himself.
"I'll graduate anyways, what's the big deal. Jeeze." He feigned disinterest with an air of impassivity knowing well that none of his friends would fall for it.
"Which classes?" Sakura finally spoke up, the soft look in her eyes being replaced by annoyance.
"Does it matter?" He retaliated seriously.
"Yes," she seethed between clenched teeth. Even if she tried to hide it, Naruto knew Sakura better than most people. Knew her temper was similar to a fire cracker. This was the most control he'd seen in a while.
"Nothing that will prevent me from graduating," he responded vaguely.
"Are you sure?" Tenten asked him, seeing as Sakura was busy trying to control her attitude towards him.
"Yeah," he waved his hand dismissively, simultaneously picking up his backpack.
"They were 2 option classes." He didn't waste any time in discarding his left over lunch and walked away from them towards the only exit to the atrium. "I'm actually done for the day. I'm sure Shino can give you guys a ride back later."
Then he was gone, not at all bothering to listen to their responses. It had been an awful week. It was finally Friday today, and he just wanted to go back to the compound and train until he bled. Until he was so tired he could barely stand, let alone think. He had found a new way of dealing with her absence. With the reassuring thought of training until he collapsed he sped toward his car.
"Naruto!" A delicate voice called out. It had probably been his imagination, it sounded too much like her voice.
Regardless, he looked back expecting to be disappointed. What greeted his gaze however was not disillusionment. Instead he stood there bewildered, completely astonished that it had been Hinata who had called out to him. Perplexed, he watch her subtle curves gracefully approach him. It took her only 3 seconds to break into a quick jog in order to get to him sooner. If he hadn't been so busy ogling her advancing form he would've realized that she was running to deny him the opportunity of running away from her.
"Naruto," she repeated hesitantly, eyes glued on his feet for what felt like an eternity before she looked up at him.
Breathless; she still left him gasping for air, she always did.
Her voice though, it sounded so incredibly brittle, almost as if she was constantly fighting herself to speak up around him. He hated that he made her feel that way; so cautious and susceptible. It wasn't like her, and he decided he hated it. Hated everything about the situation they were both currently in.
In the way only her melodic voice could, it broke him out of his never ending loathsome thoughts.
"I-I can understand why," he painfully watched her chest heave as she spoke. Short bursts of air escaped her lips with every spoken syllable. She looked paler than when he had last seen her; she looked much more frail. The type of frail you would be scared to hold too tightly in case she shattered. The thought that he would be capable of shattering such a witty, intelligent and emotionally resistant individual was laughable. The fact that he would never hold that much power over her emotions teased him relentlessly, to the point of tears some nights.
Yet, here she stood. Not as the daughter of an infamous leader, but as a girl visibly exhausted. It seemed like her body wanted to sag against his. Almost as if it were looking for the protection his body so badly wanted to provide.
He had to look away; he couldn't handle having her right there. A mere foot away without the possibility to reach out, to tuck her hair behind her ear. To finally be able to freely express just how much she made him feel.
He knew he couldn't; it would wreak havoc on her life. Her relationship with her friends, and her family would be destroyed. Not to mention the death threats that would arise. It was all too much. Too many cons.
You can't Naruto, walk away! For her good as much as yours.
He had been so close to being able to walk away from her. But just as he steeled his motivation she had reached a pale, fragile hand out to him. Long, smooth fingers grasping his hand protectively. As if he was the one who hadn't eaten for the better part of a month, as if he was the one that was quickly losing composure, motivation…happiness.
As if she saw exactly what he was going through, what he desperately and actively tried to hide from the world. What a terrifying feeling, to know someone could be able to unravel your entire being with a look. It felt surreal. How was he supposed to put those feelings aside?
He couldn't walk away from her. He didn't think he would ever be able to.
Completely dumbfounded by her actions and her determination, he stood in place. Overwhelming thoughts racing left and right. It didn't take long for her to straighten herself out. He watched enchantedly as the grace and poise that normally surrounded her lit up her features. This was the Hinata he had come to know, come to love.
She cleared her throat slightly to call his attention back to her.
As if you actually needed to do so….
"I understand why you left that day. Why you walked away with only an apology to offer." She spoke genuinely, not a hint of malice in her tone.
It had been one of the things he had regretted the most. Speeding past her with a half assed apology tumbling loose from his lips. He should've stayed. He should've seen what happened next. But he hadn't been able to, hadn't been emotionally strong enough to stand by her side in that situation. He was a disgrace. Even knowing that, he doubted he would be able to do it properly if given another chance. Who was he to love her properly, the way she deserved? When couldn't have even stuck around the time she probably needed him the most.
Worthless, I'm absolutely worthless.
How much more was he expected to take? How much more would he be able to handle? How much heartbreak was too much? He hadn't noticed he was shaking at this point; with fear, regret or anticipation… he really didn't know at this point.
"It's okay," she soothed. She sounded just as reassuring as she had that day, when she had looked into blood filled eyes and didn't run away from him.
"I'm not supposed to," she continued speaking, seemingly not at all bothered by his lack of response. He really wasn't able to speak. He didn't trust his voice not to crack, didn't trust his feelings not to all flow out of his heart and passed his lips the moment he opened them.
"I know I'm not supposed to, but I-I don't think I care Naruto." She was back to sounding shy, a very demure blush dusting her cheeks.
Why did she have to be so beautiful?
"You don't care?" He repeated her statement back to her, like a lovestruck fool. Nonetheless she nodded her head in agreement.
"I don't care about your last name," she clarified. Cerulean eyes widened in absolute shock. If he hadn't already been looking intently at her he would have sworn he had imagined those words from her.
"I don't care about the tattoo on your stomach, I don't care about the damage you're able to inflict because of the trauma you've suffered. I don't care that you are quite possibly the only person I would get killed for being with…"
Her words had always been elegant. Even in the middle of a one-sided conversation she sounded dignified. He wanted nothing more than to lose all of his senses in her. Wanted to drink in her smell, her touch; wanted to taste her lips, get lost in her beauty. He wanted to listen to her go on forever, about what he really didn't care, as long as she stayed.
Hinata stopped speaking long enough for Naruto to notice. Her delicate brows knit together contemplatively. He could tell now she was thinking over and choosing the words she was about to speak aloud more carefully. Naruto stood stalk still, surprise clearly laced throughout his features, even his body seemed surprised at her declaration.
"I l-like you. I like the person I am around you." It had taken her an enormous amount of courage to be so forthright with him. He knew her, knew her well enough to realize how strained her jaw had become, how her collarbone tensed up awaiting his reaction. Still he stood there dumbfounded, not being able to fully process this conversation. Next came her pained expression; her stress so evident from the way her finger fiddled with her sleeve. Still Naruto said nothing. This girl was mesmerizing.
"But, I get it," he heard her continue. Now slightly bothered by his lack of response, "why you can't accept me, and I understand. I'll respect that boundary. I just really wanted you to know how I felt at least." She was taking deep, unsteady breaths. "Since we hadn't really gotten a chance to talk about….it."
She's real? His thoughts questioned her existence a lot, but now more so than ever.
"I'll maybe see you around campus," she finished, realizing he probably wasn't going to speak.
His hand had automatically tightened around hers, forcefully keeping her in place. She was looking at him now, the way he loved. Her eyes completely on him. Not on Sasuke, not on Neji, not on Gaara or Kiba or even Shikamaru. Not on that random guy who had grabbed her shoulder; no. They were solely fixed on him. Waiting patiently for him to speak. Her eyes shone, more brightly than anyone else's from all the emotion she was able to express through a look. It was a look he had undoubtedly fallen in love with. A look he would graciously fall for over and over again.
Except this time there was something else, more feelings in the depths of light. Heartache, and dejection. They were a perfect match to the feelings he knew she was able to see through his eyes. He felt it all, the feelings she so fearfully expressed. There was worry, pain and despair, so many bleak feelings he had been forcing her to feel.
The affliction was the worst feeling to realize she was emanating. It went deep; an anguish he wasn't sure existed outside of his heart. Yet…she was real and she felt it too, just as deeply as him.
It was assuredly his fault. This was all his fault. Whatever she had been through these past months was entirely his fault.
The realization caused a sour taste on his tongue, a poignant feeling emerging from the pit of his stomach. If he had less control he would have puked from the distress he was in. Because he had caused this. He had been relentless in his advances, in his desire for her friendship, for her love. Now she stood here, tears prickling the corners of her alluring eyes after telling him that she did in fact have feelings for him.
She likes me…
She liked him, she had literally just told him.
But he loved her. Loved her more than he even thought was possible.
He loved her enough to know that it wasn't just her choice. That her family, her gang, would never allow her to have feelings for him. Her dad would rather mourn the loss of a daughter than have her be affiliated with him. He had heard enough stories about Hiashi Hyuga to know this. To know how much she was risking just by being vulnerable around him.
She was risking everything just to have this conversation with him, to openly admit she had feelings for him. Feelings that he didn't doubt stemmed straight from her heart because that's just the type of person Hinata was. He loved this about her.
He just loved her, all of her. Loved her enough to not confess his love for her. To bury it so deep within the confines of his heart that it would be the last thing to ever escape. To not let her think he wanted anything beyond nothing with her.
Her feelings for you, your feelings for her. They're going to get her killed.
He knew. He knew it just as certainly as he knew the sky was blue and his hair was blond. Her life would be over before they would even be able to have a first date.
And then what.
How was he supposed to wake up in the mornings knowing, knowing without reasonable doubt that she was dead because of him, because of his selfish desires. He couldn't possibly live with himself if that were to happen. If he were to be the reason her presence disappeared. If life without her around him was this incredibly painful, he honestly wouldn't be able to imagine the type of depression his life would become knowing she was gone forever.
He was selfish, he knew that too. He had barely been able to control his impulsivity with things he wanted half as much as he wanted her. But, he couldn't be selfish with something as delicate as this, with something as important as her life in his hands. He might as well be the one pulling the trigger if she died because of the feelings she held for him.
Her death would shatter him. His heart would splinter in pieces, his mind would fracture itself knowing full well he had been at fault. He had been shattered once before, and had barely pieced himself back together. There was no coming back from this, no tomorrow without her in the world.
You can't, you can't, you fucking can't.
Naruto grasped at his shirt just above his heart, feeling the ache radiate into his fingertips. She was still looking at him with a glimmer of hope, and a gut wrenching smile. He wanted nothing more than to close the distance. To hold her, to hide her, to run away from everything and everyone. To be able to protect her from this, from them. But, he knew he couldn't.
There's really only one way he could protect her. Even if it killed him to say it, even if he had to fight the yearning in his heart. Even if he had to train until he forgot his own existence to deal with the mind-numbing pain this would surely bring. He would do this, would do this to ensure her safety. Nothing mattered more than her being alive, not even his love for her.
"If you do," he began, mouth closing up. Heart beating so painfully slow he thought he would pass out. "see me around campus; do me a favor and leave me the fuck alone."
The shock she surely felt was noticeable, light eyes became the size of saucer plates. The pale wrist he had been grasping onto jumped back to the safety of her chest as if it had been burned.
The tension was palpable.
It almost made him physically ill. Her face was crumbling; he could tell she was using every bit of the training she undoubtedly went through to not break down in front of him. It pulled at his heart strings. He wanted to take it back.
You can't!
"Hyugas, Uchihas…I don't give a shit who you are. You're my enemy." He could feel the hot searing pain behind his eyes. He was five seconds away from crying.
"Stay the fuck away from me princess, or I'll kill you myself." Those words tasted so goddamn bitter in his mouth. Almost as soon as he said them Naruto fled, not being able to see her reaction, to hear her response. It hurt enough as it was.
Why did she have to have such a beautiful heart, so open and vulnerable. So prepared to sacrifice everything for them, for him. He didn't deserve that, he didn't deserve her.
How could… How could…
"How could a heart like yours ever want a heart like mine?" His question was met with silence.