Author's note: Hello! Thank you guys so much for all your encouraging words in the review section. I absolutely adore reading all of them, and I like knowing you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it.
As a last remark; phrases in italics are character thoughts.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters.
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Naruto sat there, on the cold cement balcony floor, eyes settled on the setting sun in front of him. Fingers twitching at his side. He felt nervous, more nervous than he had ever previously recalled being.
Blue eyes darted between opposite ends of the horizon, a sort of restlessness settling uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach. He could feel his pulse within himself, a very unnerving feeling.
Every one of his senses were heightened. It seemed like his body and his mind reeled in equal parts, not wanting to give him a break. Hell, even his heart felt heavy inside of him. At this point he was clenching and unclenching his knuckles repeatedly, just to try and control the beating of his heart, the headache, the heartache.
Just trying to control anything.
A sad, shuddering breath left his parted lips, causing him to shiver in the morning breeze. He hadn't slept that night, just like the past 3 nights. By now he was willing himself back to reality, to not recall the events of the night before. Naruto tucked his knees into his chin, arms curling protectively around them, forcing himself back to reality.
Breathe, he had to remind himself. She'll be fine, he continued, she has to be. You got her back, she's here, she's… she's alive.
Exhaling harshly Naruto dropped his forehead onto his knees with force, wanting nothing more than to not think about what was currently happening. What Hinata was currently going through.
She had been alive, he assured himself; she had been breathing when they had dropped her off to Tsunade. She would be fine, she would make it out of this.
"Naruto!" He heard Kakashi shout from below him. It took him only an instant to spring back to life, leaning off the edge of the balcony. His brother stood on the grass, looking at him with a strenuous smile. It made the discomfort within him duplicate, replacing what little serenity he had left.
"Tsunade just left to talk to her family." It was said rather blandly, but the implication was obvious. It was enough of an implication for Naruto to forgo the door and stairs, and jump aggressively straight down from his balcony, quickly meeting Kakashi where he stood. His brother hadn't even spared him a glance before the two started walking.
"Sakura and Shikamaru have tried multiple times to come and talk to you." Curiousity laced Kakashi's voice.
"I didn't hear the door," Naruto responded nonchalantly, picking up pace as he swiftly made his way toward the medical ward. He was lying through his teeth and he knew this. A single crack of Kakashi's knuckles informed Naruto that his brother knew this too.
Who cares?
"You're going to have to debrief us eventually," the white haired man had stopped him then, only a few steps before great big metal doors.
Cerulean eyes whipped up in frustration at being halted, a slither of red crossing and fading just as rapidly from his eyes. Kakashi did nothing but stare at him, black eyes seemingly gathering as much information from the silence as he could. Naruto didn't doubt his brother's intelligence, and knew just how observant he truly was.
So, blonde hair tousled slightly as he shook off the brotherly arm that had been delicately draped around his shoulder and pulled the doors open. He would go and see her, consequences be damned.
The first thing his eyes took in upon entering the dull and sterile environment was an image of a worried Hiashi Hyuga. He was sitting tersely on a chair, knuckles so white it looked like he'd been trying to cut off all circulation.
He also recognized Fugaku Uchiha sitting next to him, a very pretty lady on his other side. She had an arm draped over Hiashi and periodically squeezed him closer. From facial features he was able to easily decipher this to be Sasuke and Itachi's mother. She exuded gentility and warmth, much like Hinata always did. It provided him a smidge of comfort, he supposed.
Next he noticed his friends sitting rather closely to Hinata's friends. Most of them were in pairs, speaking in hushed tones as soon as they caught sight of him.
He didn't care.
He knew. Had always known. Even amongst his gang, his family, he was the intrusion.
He was always able to feel it; this time was no different.
It's only ever different with her…
Dejectedly he glanced away from everyone, not wanting to make eye contact unless it happened to be with pretty lavender.
Speaking of, he questioned in his mind.
He cautiously started looking across the bare room, looking for someone in particular.
Whiskered cheeks fell slightly as his frown deepened; Tsunade wasn't even within his peripheral.
Upon noticing this absence Naruto looked towards most of the individuals in the room, each one emanating pure guilt and sadness. It caused a bitter taste to settle on his tongue. Finally after a minute he had gained enough courage to look to Kakashi for an explanation.
As soon as dark eyes caught his they lowered in regret and shifted away from him, remorse replacing his typically expressionless features. Naruto could feel his heart drop into his stomach, Kakashi did not ever act this way.
Tan arms grasped at the sides of his sweater, nervousness gripping every inch of him. He quickly shook off Kakashi's look of guilt and turned to look back at his friends, her friends, their friends. Their looks of pity did nothing to alleviate the ever growing despair he felt.
He could feel the heave of his chest. He tried desperately for the others not to notice his crumbling form.
"Naruto," his father spoke up, standing and heading in his direction. The approach his father had taken made the knot at the base of his throat, the one that had been faintly tightening the entire night, coil up automatically.
He'd heard his father use that tone before, only once actually, but it had remained burned into his memory ever since. It was the same tone his father had used to tell him of his mother's death.
Mouth going dry, Naruto fisted his hands, making them turn as white as he had noticed Hiashi's had been. His body as rigid as a board, he felt like he had no control over his reactions. He could feel the red pooling into blue. Naruto licked his lips in a hysterical attempt to calm his emotions.
His acute sense of hearing could only focus on the painfully loud and rapid beating of his heart, despite seeing Minato's lips move. Naruto could feel his breathing accelerate, coming out in shallow bursts. It was trying frantically to match the pumping of his sure to be broken heart.
Yet another thing he did not have control over.
He was frozen; unable to move, barely breathing, and too afraid to look any of them in the eyes.
It felt like an eternity of him standing there, with his father speaking nonsense in front of him. He wasn't able to focus on anything, or anyone.
He was starting to feel pain, real physical pain, uncontrolled tears forming at the corners of his eyes. Anxiety so overwhelming his unyielding body was barely able to stand upright. He didn't think he'd be able to withstand what his father would have to say.
"Naruto?" His father tried again, the same gentle tone he hated to hear. Except this time he could hear it.
Memories flashed; long dark hair, silly smiles and glowing eyes. He wanted more, wanted so much more with her. More memories, more time, more anything.
"Naruto." Minato announced one last time, less gentle, much more stern. Still Naruto did not respond; he knew. Knew exactly what that meant, what he was about to lose.
But, she had been alive?
"Breathe," Kakashi whispered so close to his ear that it caused doe-like eyes to turn in that direction out of shock.
Naruto could only shake his head briefly, still trying to hold on to some sort of composure. It took his father's arm to the shoulder to finally shatter him.
He felt his knees buckle beneath him; a split second later Naruto found himself on his knees. Vision tunneling as he tried badly to anchor his stare at anything that would bring tranquility, anything that would be able to ground him.
She's not here.
There was nothing to steady him without her.
The last thing he noticed before darkness overtook was his family and friends rushing to him. He smiled, a chillingly hollow smile. There was no point, he didn't want their help, or their comfort.
He had wanted her, more than anything he had wanted her. As his eyes felt heavy he could picture her beauty, her compassionate smile, her soft laughter, her sparkling eyes. He could still remember the feeling of her fingers as they traced, caressed, his scars until he no longer hated their existence.
There was no one else who could possibly make him feel like that, like this. He needed her to be okay, to be able to stand in front of her, eyes vulnerably open and apologize for his cowardness. He needed to tell her how he felt.
She can't die.
Just then, with the weight of his feelings, of the exhaustion, of the anxiety Naruto saw everything disappear.
When Naruto finally managed to regain consciousness, he woke up on a gurney. Grunting animalistically blue eyes opened. Milky white eyes returned his stare, cold and inexpressive eyes greeting him.
Rapidly gaining composure Naruto looked back down, Sakura was currently checking his vitals. He spared another glance at Hiashi; eyes so similar yet so different from the ones he was desperate to see. Again he had to look away, not being able to withstand the resemblance.
Naruto instead decided to stare down at his hands, each fidgeting with the sides of his dark pants. He hadn't bothered to change out of his mission clothes, regardless of how much blood was on them. It wasn't until now that he noticed there was a very distinct scent of metal that wafted across the room; more than likely it had been coming from him. The others seemed to have gotten cleaned up throughout the night.
"Naruto Uzumaki," he was finally addressed. The voice sounded just as stern as Shikamaru's father's always did.
Blue eyes locked on with hardened white; so much more intimidating than Neji's, he silently noted. He truly didn't have any energy to respond, merely nodding, knowing damn well Hiashi was likely to blame him for everything that had happened to his daughter. Again, he felt fresh tears pierce his eyes.
He has good reason, he told himself, eyes drifting down to look at Hiashi's mouth in shame.
"Thank you," the man finished, voice almost as soothing as his father's typically was.
Blond brows scrunched up in utter confusion, mind racing to try to figure out why Hiashi Hyuga of all people would be thanking him. If anything, he was the very reason his daughter had been exposed to death.
You don't know that yet! He chided himself.
A small amount of hope sparked in his heart, eyes glazing over with the possibility of her survival. Naruto dared not speak, held his breath at the idea.
Before Hiashi could continue speaking, Naruto watched from the corner of his eye as the operating room doors unceremoniously opened.
And just like that, every single one of his worries were drowned out.
Because there she stood; IV plugged into one arm, and the entirety of her body (that was visible) was turning a gruesome purplish blue colour. Tsunade was supporting her on her other side, telling Naruto just how difficult it must be for Hinata to be standing right now.
But, he thought, it's her.
That's all that mattered.
When soft lavender eyes landed on him, Naruto couldn't help it. Couldn't help the incessant urge he felt to hold her.
So he did.
Naruto sprung up off the gurney, ignoring Sakura's protests and pushing the others clear out of his way to reach her. He couldn't possibly endure another second away from her. He watched in muted amusement as Hinata's eyes widened in surprise at his public display of affection.
Tender, tan fingers coming up to grasp her chin as delicately as he could. He faintly tipped her head back and delivered a quick peck to the corner of her lips, relishing in the feeling of having her presence around him, of having her safely in his arms again.
"You're safe," he breathed out laboriously as he pulled his lips away, hand never leaving her chin. The other coming up to carefully push her bangs away from her forehead before kissing her there too. He wasn't sure if he had actually realized how badly he had needed her to be alive, what it would've meant for him if she wasn't.
Naruto was looking right at Hinata, while she confusedly focused on his lips, licking hers unconsciously as she did so. It awakened the same feeling he had felt many times before, the sudden yearning to kiss her was all he was able to fixate on. It didn't help that her lips were still puckered in surprise at his previous kisses.
Fuck it.
Unfortunately, before he was able to do exactly what he had been wanting, Naruto heard someone cough from behind him. Body still protectively in front of Hinata, he tilted his head back to glare at the intrusion. He had almost forgotten the others were still there, staring at him as if he had committed the greatest sin.
Disinterest flooded him to the core at the other companions, and he turned back to look at Hinata. An affectionate smile unknowingly rising out of him as he took her in. It was then he noticed just how fragile she seemed.
Hinata hadn't spoken a word, he realized, hadn't so much as breathed out. Concerned eyes instantly flew up to meet his grandmother's, who was carefully still holding Hinata's side. He hoped she understood it was an unspoken question regarding the younger girl's health. Tsunade could only manage a sad smile as he watched them both turn to walk away from him.
A large part of him wanted to hold onto Hinata, not let her walk away from him again. Something about his grandmother's aura stopped him; yet another grim feeling passing through him as Hinata disappeared behind the door of a room.
A room he undoubtedly did not have access to. Hairs on his neck stood in anticipation of Tsunade's return. Thankfully it only took her a few minutes to walk back out, unfortunately Hinata was no longer with her.
He could sense the blonde older woman walk towards all of them, yet his eyes remained glued on the door blocking his line of sight from the one person he would give anything to see. It was taunting, how close Hinata was to him.
Irritation filled him as he turned to listen to Tsunade's report of health and wellbeing.
"She's…okay," he warily heard her speak up, hesitating with every word.
"I was able to heal the worst of her physical injuries throughout the night," she assured, voice pained.
A nagging feeling told Naruto the injuries had been enough to last Hinata a lifetime.
"Why is it that you look so distraught if my daughter is mostly healed?" Hiashi's voice could cut through ice.
Naruto watched in astonishment as his grandmother gave Hiashi the same look she gave him when he was behaving like a brat. It reminded him, ever so briefly, of the fact that their gangs had been close, once.
"I cannot heal her psychologically," Tsunade plainly stated, emotional turmoil lurking behind normally warm brown eyes.
"She's unwell." The admittance had taken them all by surprise, Tsunade had even had the decency to look away from Hiashi as she said so.
"How unwell?" The pretty lady, Sasuke's mother, asked sadly. Her voice had been filled with a lot more emotion than Hiashi's, and it made Naruto wonder just how close she and Hinata were.
"I don't know," his grandmother began explaining, her voice shaking in what Naruto felt was guilt. This time she looked directly at him as she spoke.
"I cannot assess someone who refuses to speak. She didn't even trust me. She wouldn't so much as tell me anything about her injuries; how she managed so many hours without even a slight grunt in pain is beyond me. I hadn't ever seen anything as gruesome as the state she was brought in."
Naruto could tell she was being forthright, and it made things worse. Her words cut as sharp as blades right into his heart because it had been his fault. He was the reason Hinata had been subjected to such circumstances.
"She's been awake for days," he heard Tsunade continue, eyes glued to his feet as he listened to her. She was looking at Hiashi now.
"The worst sleep deprivation I've ever encountered. I literally had to wrestle her into taking sleeping medication, so she should finally be resting now."
Naruto continued to hurt; he couldn't even possibly try to imagine the things Hinata had been through while she was held hostage. From the things he witnessed, he wouldn't doubt they were atrocious.
"Will she be okay?" He heard Sasuke finally speak, voice tender and soft. It took him by enough surprise that he looked over to Sasuke in question. Sasuke had slept about as much as he had over the course of the days, which was nothing.
Tsunade shrugged, "I honestly can't say for sure."
The more he listened, the more Naruto wanted to puke. The nauseating feeling of knowing the emotional, physical and psychological pain Hinata had gone through, was currently going through, caused his lungs to burn. Just how much had the ordeal affected her?
He flashed back to her face when she had walked out with Tsunade, now that he knew of the findings he focused on the things he hadn't when he had first laid eyes on her. Besides the bruising, her face had seemed gaunt. Her eyes unusually dull, red and puffy. Her hair had lost so much of its shine, and she had been slumping over in utter exhaustion.
She had been broken.
"The only way to truly help her is by finding the trigger, figuring out the trauma and treating it." Brown eyes darkened as she glanced towards the blond boy.
Naruto immediately felt all eyes on him and cringed. He knew what was coming next. What they would ask him.
"What happened?" Minato questioned, not needing to provide context to the question everyone was already thinking of asking anyways.
He swallowed loudly, not wanting to delve into a conversation that would likely leave him in tears.
"Naruto, please," Neji's voice rung through the silence, effectively gaining his unfocused attention. He sounded just as broken as Naruto felt.
"If we don't know then we won't be able to help my sister," again the defeated tone he was using resonated with Naruto, struck a chord he wish it hadn't.
He wasn't the only one who loved her, he knew, but had been too selfish to realize.
"Please." Sasuke and Temari begged, voices crushed.
Naruto knew, logically he knew he would have to, but it did nothing to dispel the fear. The horror of them thinking he was an absolute monster for losing control down there.
He was hesitating now, mouth completely dry, reluctant to debrief everyone on the event that had led him to her. The one that had led them both out.
No one made a move to rush him, though he knew they all wanted to. Instead he heard Sakura speak to his right.
"I don't think you truly understand Naruto," her voice had been slightly condescending, frustrating him into speaking.
"What don't I understand?" He opposed. Cerulean eyes now back to the door that blocked Hinata from him. He fantasized about walking away from this conversation and straight into her arms.
"How much of an impact you telling us will have on her mental health." He scoffed immediately after, and rolled his eyes in incredulity.
Green eyes softened then, stepping closer to him. "We know you, know how much you care for her, Naruto; no one blames you."
Repeatedly he blinked, trying to dispel the tears hidden under his eyelids. She had been right on the mark with that comment, with his insecurity. Sometimes he really loathed her intelligence.
From his peripheral vision he watched his father's hardened disappointment soften into somber sympathy.
He hated that too.
Why couldn't they just understand what they were asking of him, what they wanted him to re-live.
It had killed a part of him, just as it did her.
Despair taking hold of him, Naruto was already planning an escape from this situation. Hiashi's voice stopped him.
"My daughter is alive because of you, Naruto. I assure you, the means of how you managed to escape with her breathing will not lessen my gratitude."
He says that now…
Still, one look at Hinata's father struck him speechless. For all the stories he had heard about the ruthlessly cold Head of Hyuga, he definitely seemed to have a soft spot for his daughter.
"I can't recall all of the details," he began, eyes not wavering from the door leading to Hinata; trying his hardest to remember that it was all to help her. "I can never really remember everything when…" he rambled off, not quite finishing the sentence.
"When I finally found her," Naruto paused, not wanting to finish the sentence, "I could tell she had been badly abused." He swallowed the dread that coursed through him at his own admittance, something he had not wanted to state aloud.
"Badly tortured," he corrected, because at this point he had to admit to himself that it had been torture.
He could see from the corner of his eyes the others react, their faces contorting into fear and anger.
"I lost it," he concluded, not being able to elaborate. Hiashi stepped in front of him and Naruto braced himself, not knowing what Hiashi would do.
The elder nodded at him in an attempt to get him to continue, of course he hadn't known what losing it meant for Naruto.
"I-I do that sometimes y'know, when my emotions are heightened. I just become…" he struggled to find the correct word, what was it?
Aggressive? No, too simple. Dangerous? Well, yes but not quite encompassing.
"Destructive." Hiashi provided with ease. Blond brows flew up to his hairline in shock. He nodded numbly, not understanding how Hiashi even connected the dots.
"Hinata does that too," Hiashi paused, his index finger going to rest on the side of his head, "well, she used to."
"What?" He dumbly responded, still not understanding what was happening.
Just as quickly Naruto recalled that night at the atrium, when they had shared their pain, their scars. She had told him then, about how she knew exactly what it felt like to lose control the way he did.
Had she always known?
"That's enough for now," Shikamaru's father cut in. Tone all business like. "Naruto needs just as much sleep as Hinata does, and you all do too." He motioned to teams Itachi and Kakashi. "You can tell us the rest after."
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Lavender eyes jolted open with haste, dark choppy hair flinging in every direction as Hinata's body pushed itself upright. Ignoring the sharp ache that came with any movement; she looked around. Wide eyes trying to decipher what was happening around her, where she could be.
Fresh blood was smeared on the walls, covering every inch of them. The rotting smell was repulsive; it seemed like it would be a stench she could never get away from.
Whose blood is it?
She felt thick liquid steadily drip down her back, her legs, her arms, her face….
Oh, she realized, it's mine.
She kept bleeding, and she knew it wouldn't stop. Hadn't stopped for the past 3 days. They had been cutting her everywhere, and then had healed her just to cut her deeper the next time around.
It hurts.
Shallow breaths escaped her as she tried to stand up, to move even a single muscle. Nothing was happening; no part of her responded to her mind's commands. Her entire body shivered at the thought of moving, at the thought of breathing.
Her mind was the only thing desperately still trying to think of a plan, a way out. Except there wasn't one, at least not one she could execute by herself, especially not in the physical condition she was in.
They'll come find me.
Neji, Sasuke, Temari, Gaara, Kiba, Itachi…. They would come.
Naruto will come.
She felt herself relax.
Maniacal laughter echoed off the empty walls and her body tensed once more, knowing what would happen next.
"It's been days," she heard Toneri speak up. He wasn't anywhere she could see, yet his voice haunted her.
"It's been days since you've been safe," his voice had morphed into her own.
Hinata once more looked around the empty room. The poignant stench of blood, her blood, still infiltrating her nostrils. He was still laughing at her, she could hear it. Even if she did not see him. She clenched her eyes shut.
A new pitch in voice caused her to open her eyes. Instead of Toneri, she watched broken heartedly as Naruto stood in front of her, knife in hand.
Her blood on it.
She had looked at him then, quietly wondering why he would do this to her, when she loved him more than she even loved herself, more than anyone.
The last thing she remembered was eyes the colour of blood staring back at her.
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"Stop, get away!" Naruto heard her voice shout, panicked and terrified. It was no surprise to anyone in that waiting room, filled with just their friends, that he was the first to react.
He had rushed in, pocket knife in hand, prepared to fight God himself to save her.
However, what greeted him upon entering was not an intruder, but Hinata herself. She was thrashing wildly on the bed, eyes scrunched closed, arms protectively in front of her face as if she were trying to deter an attack.
He felt his heart thrust painfully in his chest at the image, the clear psychological damage the past week had taken on her.
By the time their friends had entered the room, Naruto was already at her side, placing a calm hand on her cheek delicately. Effectively stopping her sporadic movements.
"Shh," he spoke up, voice melodiously soft, "It's okay Hinata, it's just a dream."
It seemed to have helped since Hinata had stopped immediately, eyes going back to being peacefully shut. Sasuke and Sakura had shared a look then, without Naruto noticing.
"Nightmare?" Sasuke questioned, voice riddled with guilt. Naruto hadn't bothered to answer, choosing to closely inspect the young woman's sleeping form instead. Sasuke had already known, anyway.
"Does she get them a lot?" Sakura asked to fill in the silence. If anything, at least he knew Sakura genuinely did care about Hinata as much as he had initially thought.
All pairs of eyes turned to look at Neji, then Sasuke, expecting an answer from either one. Both looked uncomfortably lost.
Luckily for them, Temari stepped in.
"She used to," Temari's voice sounded so unlike any tone he had heard her use before. It didn't draw his attention to her though, on the contrary he looked toward Shikamaru. Sure enough the brunette's crestfallen facial expression told him much of what he had already inferred about the feelings he had for the dirty blonde.
"When she was a kid," Temari clarified, stealing his attention away from Shikamaru. It was short lived though, as blue eyes roamed back to the person he cared about most. His fingers tickled the sleeping bluenette's face softly, tracing the cuts she had along her forehead, her cheeks, her chin, her neck… he looked past her neck, where her skin disappeared into the hospital gown.
They never end…
His free arm stiffened beside him, grasping the edge of the bed in anger. She hadn't deserved this.
"After she lost her mom they were fairly consistent, but as far as I know it's been years since she'd had one."
Everyone's attention settled on Naruto as he hung his head dejectedly, careful not to impose on Hinata's personal space. He had guessed already, that the reason for her nightmares was likely correlated to this traumatic event.
Had been directly related to him.
But, hearing the assurance aloud felt surreal. It intensified the feelings of guilt, of regret, of inadequacy. He could feel his own anxiety rolling off him in waves.
Hinata's sleeping form reacted to that instantly. Brows scrunching in distaste, lips puckering. He could see the droplets of sweat forming on her forehead.
Whatever nightmare was about to begin was bad, they could all tell.
"Nata," Naruto cooed, eyes watering slightly at the sight of her discomfort. "Wake up, you're okay. We're all here," he took a shaky breath, "I'm here."
Bashfully he avoided his friends' knowing stares. He really wished it was just the two of them. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, so many feelings he wanted to express.
It took a few minutes, but finally Naruto watched with bated breath as milky eyes greeted him. They didn't look just as he remembered; no semblance of the pure joy she emanated before, but they were hers and right now that's all he could ask for. She was still Hinata, and she was still alive.
She was staring at him, and for the longest time neither looked away. He knew what his eyes must have looked like, a mess. But hers, they expressed nothing but pure confusion at seeing him there in front of her. As if she couldn't quite understand why he of all people would be there with her.
She looks so lost, he remarked in his mind sadly.
Cerulean eyes had looked away then, remorse eating away at his heart. How would she ever be able to forgive him for this?
Look at what you've done, what you've caused. He berated himself, incessantly.
Not being able to handle the self-reproach any longer he began to pull away from the confused girl. He hoped Neji or Sasuke would step forward to comfort her because clearly she did not want him there.
Why would she?
Look at her. He forced himself to. She'll hate you, forever, for this.
Taking a big step away from the bed, Naruto angled his body away from Hinata's, not wanting to see the hatred that would soon replace the confusion in her eyes.
Small dainty fingers stopped him as they gripped at his navy jacket. Her grip was surprisingly strong for a person who had sustained as many injuries as she had.
"Please," her voice rang out, making him turn to look right back at her. Her eyes were burning into his. "Don't leave me down here alone again."
Naruto sharply inhaled and exhaled all within the same second. She sounded way more broken than she looked, which was saying a lot. In all of its intensity, Naruto felt something far more sinister than guilt take hold of him, spreading dread through every inch of this body. Tanned, strong arms squeezed the side of her bed in desperation.
"I won't," he choked out, voice cracking, "I didn't want to," he tried explaining, "I looked, I mean we all looked." He promised her, eyes focusing on nothing but the grip she had on him.
Does she think we left her for dead?
He would never! Not with any of their teammates, especially not her. He would've stayed in those damn tunnels for an eternity just to find her. She had to know that, right? Had to know how deep his feelings actually ran for her?
I fucking love you! He yelled in his mind. He could feel the little composure he had managed to keep hold of immediately disappear at her insinuation.
"He would never leave you," Neji spoke, walking up next to him, eyes only focused on Hinata.
She was looking at her bandaged arms, and then back at the pair of them. Hesitation and disbelief visible on her features. She looked hurt, and they could both tell it wasn't physical pain.
In the blink of an eye, Naruto watched the hurt expression leave her delicate face and be replaced with a monotone expression, much like Neji's normally was.
"Where am I?" He wasn't quite used to a cold Hinata, not when she was gripping at his jacket just minutes ago asking him to stay.
"Uzumaki compound," Shikamaru responded, while the rest of their friends crowded her on the other side of the bed.
Hinata looked mildly surprised, questioning eyes being set on Sasuke now.
"Tsunade is the best medic in the world," he explained.
"Oh," she simply stated, mind going back to a thought no one in that room was privy to. "Does father know?" She looked over to Neji, eyes concerned.
Neji shot her a confused look, as if something this big wouldn't warrant Hiashi's attention. Naruto felt as confused as he assumed Neji to be; of course they would have had to tell her father what happened. Hell, her father had been worried sick about her, more than almost any of them.
"Yes," Neji's voice was very unsteady, no semblance of the aloof confident tone he typically spoke with. Naruto watched from the corner of his eye as TenTen stalked closer to him. "He's just in a meeting right now, that's why none of the leaders are here."
They all watched as Hinata deflated, a different form of anxiety materializing. "Shit," she swore, taking Naruto by surprise. Why was she acting like this?
"Hina!" A womanly voice shouted as she entered the already crowded room, dark eyes glossy, but a happy smile on her face. "You're okay!"
"Mikoto," Hinata responded softly, facial features not wavering from stoic. The women rushed over to hug her. Naruto took a step back, trying to take in the events of today as he watched the scene unfold in front of him.
"Hinata," a stern voice spoke. A voice Naruto had become accustomed to within the past week they were staying in his compound.
He watched with sad eyes as Hinata stiffened, to the point where it seemed like her body was reacting to yet another nightmare. He wanted to go soothe her, but who was he to do that for her?
No one, his mind reminded him cruelly.
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It has been over a week, her mind reminded her.
Over a week since the 'incident', as her friends liked to say. She hadn't been allowed to go home, hadn't even been let out of this makeshift hospital.
Her body ached, day and night. She wouldn't trust anyone enough to heal her, when they would likely cut her twice as deep when she least expected it. She knew better than to trust anyone now.
It wasn't real, she argued. Her nightmares were just that, nightmares; figments of her imagination. And yet, when she was stuck in one it did not feel fake, the tip of a blade slashing her stomach felt just as real as the cool February breeze on her arms. There was no escape from them. These bloodied dreams filled her with nothing but despair; left her gasping for air every time she closed her eyes.
She had been accustomed to nightmares as a child, the amount of trauma she had already endured aided that. But now, these, they felt different. They seemed to have come back with vengeance. They were the worst she had ever experienced, and she had absolutely no idea how to fix it. How to fix herself.
All you'll ever be is broken.
No! She fought back. I got so much better.
Then why was it so easy to shatter you?
Grasping her now shortened strands of hair, Hinata tugged forcefully, not being able to withstand her own criticism. This was why she was still stuck here, because she wasn't able to pull herself together.
Light eyes glanced out the window, a full moon peeking through, providing the only source of light within her room. Unsteadily, Hinata took a shallow breath. Bandaged hands now fell limp at her sides. How many days did she honestly think she would last without sleep?
Closing her eyes tightly, the bluenette attempted to slow down her racing heart, it was always worse at night. Hinata feared closing her eyes; every time she did it triggered a new memory, more trauma.
"Sleep is for the strong," Temari had told her once, when they were children when she had continuous nightmares about her mother's death. "If you can sleep it means you're getting stronger!" She wasn't quite sure if she had ever actually told Temari how helpful that false information was. She probably should let people know how much she loved them, appreciated them.
Not now, a part of her chastised. Not when they left you for dead.
She cringed, eyes watering at the thought.
They didn't, she meekly argued. This side of herself was far less demanding, far less outspoken.
What else would you call it? When all of your friends, 'family', took 3 goddamn days to get you out. When all that was left was a shell of a person covered in blood?
She could feel the hot tears sting the healing cuts on her cheeks as they trailed down. It was an ongoing battle within the unstable confines of her mind. The ever present banter, the restlessness that came from overthinking for days without end. These were the results of being stabbed and shot and punched and kicked and burned and… and…
And being shattered, she finally admitted.
Hinata took a little pleasure in the physical pain she felt now, the way her broken bones and battered body cried out. It drowned out her emotional pain if only slightly, it also helped her prove something to herself.
She at least hadn't been numb. Not as numb as she had been when Naruto finally found her, in the deep cavern of hell. Where she had remained chained and beaten long days and even longer nights.
"You're tired," a voice spoke up, completely breaking her eternal train of thoughts.
She glanced over to her brother sitting on one of the empty chairs beside her bed. She had no clue how long he had been there, just silently staring at her. Regardless she gave him a hardened stare, not bothering to speak.
She was supposed to be getting better, better than when she had fully come to realize exactly where she had been taken to be healed. Better than a week ago, but that didn't feel like the case. Instead she felt like she was reverting, like her ability to speak, to feel, to forgive; they were all escaping her. All she wanted was darkness, a darkness to take her where pain wouldn't be able to reach her.
"Hina, you need to sleep," Neji spoke again, voice equally as soft as it had been this entire week, even if his patience with her wavered.
Blank eyes stared back at him, lifeless even.
I can't.
Neji blinked at her a few times waiting for her actual response.
Oh, she realized, he doesn't live in my mind anymore.
Hinata debated speaking aloud; for the briefest of moments she opened her mouth, eliciting an anxious response from the only male in the room. Her motivation deflated just as quickly and she remained unresponsive.
Neji sighed out in what she assumed was disappointment and repositioned himself on the uncomfortable chair.
"I'll keep look out; you'll be safe," eyes a very similar shade to hers pinned her to the bed, an unspoken plea to believe in him. "I promise."
"Don't bother," she heard herself choke out, voice so small, so emotionless, so unlike anything she had ever heard from herself. "I'm already damaged beyond repair."
She had closed her eyes then, letting herself drift into darkness. The last thing she heard was a mangled sob from her twin.
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"Hinata's blood work from that night finally came back," Tsunade announced, tone rigid and harsh. "There were abnormally large traces of hallucinogens in her system."
Naruto noticed Sakura and Gaara tense up immediately, making his breath hitch.
"What does that mean?" He heard Kiba ask, voice filled with worry.
"It means she was forced to take drugs, Kiba. Drugs that make you hallucinate. The amount they pumped her full of for three days would have made anyone go crazy. At this point I'm not even sure if she can distinguish illusion vs reality." Tsunade had responded in a professional way, yet Naruto did not miss the tick of her jaw, her tense shoulders.
"What did they make her see?" Temari ventured tentatively.
"I-I really can't say, not until she tells us. Even with the information Naruto relayed, we know nothing about what her time in the cave entailed. We know nothing about what her nightmares consist of."
"Okay, then let's figure it out," Naruto said, aggravation at all this uncertainty clearly expressed with the tone of his voice. "We need to help her." He stated dryly, not bothering to acknowledge there was a possibility that they just couldn't.
"She thinks there's no helping her," Neji countered, head hung low, elbows on his knees as he sat in a tall chair. He hadn't been able to look anyone in the eyes that morning, Naruto noticed.
"I don't care," Naruto retaliated, not a shred of self-doubt tainting his words. He failed to notice Hiashi's stern eyes soften at his words.
He had been there last night. Had been sleeping, if you could even call it that, at Hinata's door when Neji or her father wanted to remain in the room with her.
He had heard her voice then, for the first time in the week since she had confusedly grasped onto him. Had listened in to the one sided conversation until she had clearly indicated there was no rescuing her from this, from the darkness that threatened her mind.
And it shattered you, he acknowledged.
And then he had recalled, that night, the one where she had looked at him and told him as open heartedly as she could that she felt safe with him. Hinata was safe with him, would always be from now on. He had promised himself that the day he had finally emerged from dark tunnels with her beaten body.
The day when he had reluctantly handed her over to Sasuke who carried her back, carefully to safety. He had known then; how wrong it felt letting Sasuke take her from him, even if it was Sasuke. Because, well because Hinata was safe with him, felt the safest with him. She had told him that.
And you, his mind chimed in, you were nothing but a coward.
He had run away from the intensity of his feelings because he had been afraid of what? His father's retribution? Or worse, her father's retribution?
As if he didn't face death every goddamn mission he ever went on. That had been a fucking wakeup call.
A reminder that his life was just that, his.
It did not belong to his friends, or his gang, or his family, not even his father. It had only ever been his. The decisions he made affected him, his future. And he was too tired of making choices that only benefited others.
He didn't want to live for them. He knew there was no point in living for others; he needed to live for him, for what he wanted.
And although he had admitted this a hundred times already, there was nothing he wanted more than Hinata. So even if it took him weeks, months, even years. He wouldn't be a coward anymore, he would not run away from her.
At this point nothing anyone did or said could possibly change his mind about that, not even her.
"She isn't your responsibility," Sasuke bit out harshly, "Sakura already told you, no one blames you."
"Sasuke," his older brother warned. Naruto was not privy to the type of relationship they shared, but he knew a scolding tone when he heard one.
Sasuke gave his brother no mind, staring directly at him instead. Eyes so unfathomably guarded and dark. It made Naruto uncomfortable, how many emotions Sasuke seemed to be trying to hide.
It did nothing but aggravate him further.
"Is she yours?" Naruto seethed.
"Obviously not," Sasuke coolly responded, leaving Naruto feeling embarrassed at his bait. What the fuck was he trying to start then?
In typical Sasuke fashion, he stormed off. Not even bothering to explain his odd behaviour. Naruto remained puzzled, glued to his spot, and warily watched Sasuke enter Hinata's room.
"You're being so fucking ridiculous!" He heard Sasuke yell from inside the room, anger very apparent.
Naruto did not hear a response.
He heard Sasuke's voice mumble other things, things he could no longer hear.
His feet itched to go, to protectively step in. Sasuke had no right to be yelling at her like that. Naruto clenched his fists and started walking towards the door. None other than Hiashi Hyuga halting him.
Confusedly, Naruto looked back at him, offering him nothing but exasperation and resent. It had been enough to get the older man to let go of him, yet Naruto didn't dare take another step toward the room.
Luckily, he wasn't waiting long before Sasuke exited, a disgruntled Hinata limping out behind him.
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"Hinata has 2 broken ribs, various deep wounds on her back and a collapsed lung," Sasuke's announcement had caught everyone aside from Hinata off guard. "They all need to be healed."
Hinata sighed internally at his tone, not only had he just minutes ago yelled at her for being a nuisance, but now he was making it public knowledge. Regardless, her injuries were making it very difficult to do anything, even sleep.
It had been over a week since she had woken up. She was almost certain at this point that they weren't illusions, that these people had actually been trying to help.
"Your ankle." Naruto spoke up suddenly, catching her by surprise. Hinata felt heat on her cheeks and attempted to shake it off. Illusion or not, he would always elicit that involuntary response from her.
Still, Hinata scrunched her brows in confusion. How had he even noticed anything was wrong with her foot, the hospital gown covered it completely. She looked down at her ankle for only a second before nodding slightly, informing him that it was indeed one of her worst injuries.
Having noticed this exchange, Sasuke kneeled down in front of her, lifting the garment enough to see her foot was a deep shade of purple. She watched slightly confused as Naruto paled, having been close enough to see it as well.
"Her ankle," Sasuke began, voice terse and body rigid, "looks shattered too."
"Which ribs?" Hinata heard Tsunade speak up, looking intently toward her.
Shame engulfed her at the sets of eyes taking in her hurt form, of course everyone was here to watch her crumble. Silently, she pointed to the ones she was currently putting weight on, to avoid further injury on her ankle. Sasuke tensed next to her and looked at her with pure annoyance. Although this was common for Sasuke, she flinched, feeling like a little girl being scolded by her older brother.
"No wonder your goddamn lung collapsed."
She had to look away from Sasuke then, from all of them really. Instead she looked down at herself. Anger taking hold of her. Her body was so damaged, her mind too. How weak did she have to be, to let 3 days in captivity break her this much?
She felt a pool of tears gather at the base of her eyes and carefully tried to blink them away. Hoping to blink her self-hatred away too.
Everyone was here. Her team, Naruto's team, Naruto's leaders, and her leaders.
Her father.
Intense light eyes stared at her, a softness to them she hadn't seen since her mother was still alive. She knew what probably lurked behind that softness though.
Disappointment, hatred…chagrin.
Hinata knew she had only spoken up a handful of times since waking up, since seeing any of them. And yet, she felt compelled, obligated even, to address her father now.
Because, well because she had to make sure he knew she would do better next time. Would not ever allow herself to become the hostage, would not endanger the lives of her teammates the way she had done to her mother. She knew her father blamed her for this ordeal.
As he should, she told herself.
And that was exactly why, with so much guilt, she would have to speak up.
"I'm," Hinata spoke up, causing every single person in the waiting area to look at her, each one encouraging her to speak up.
She had to clear her throat, no doubt from misuse, to be able to be loud enough for them to hear.
"I'm sorry," she stated, tears freely flowing down her bruised cheeks. She wanted so badly to look at Naruto while speaking, to garner some of the free flowing strength he typically provided her with. But she couldn't. She had no right to look at him after putting his life in danger just to save her.
Don't forget he left you for 3 days.
She cringed outwardly and watched from the corner of her eye Naruto cringe as well. Offhandedly she wondered if he had somehow been able to read her mind.
Except he hadn't been looking at her, instead blue eyes had been focused on her father. She too settled her eyes on Hiashi who had his head bowed as low as he possibly could. Long, normally pinned hair, blocking his eyes from Hinata's sight.
He must be so disappointed, so incredibly mad at me.
She sighed out in sadness. Might as well try apologizing again, there was very little she could do at this point.
"I'm sorry I failed."
She looked at Neji, whose eyes looked about ready to pop out of his face. He had been hurt during those three days too. She had on more than one occasion overheard all of them talking about the mission.
Neji had broken his wrist, Sasuke had stitches all over his abdomen, Sakura had gotten a concussion, Gaara had dislocated his knee. Temari had to get multiple stitches on her forehead, and Ino had broken a couple of fingers, and Shikamaru had dislocated his collarbone, and Shino and Kiba and TenTen and Itachi and Kakashi; they had all walked away from that mission with injuries.
And Naruto, her mind spoke up.
Naruto, well, Naruto had lost control, had taken on so many opponents in one go. In order to at least have a chance at saving her. She kind of remembered. Recalled that his eyes had been blood red, his aura had been malicious. He had probably escaped with just as many psychological scars as her.
And it was all your fault.
She knew. Had always known that whatever trauma or injury they suffered from that mission would be on her shoulders. And she was sorry. So sorry.
How was she expected to talk to them as if nothing happened, as if it wasn't because of her that they all almost died, as if she hadn't come out of those tunnels a completely different person. She wasn't herself, hadn't felt like herself since the first day she was captured.
Looking at them took too much courage. It hurt her, an immeasurable amount, to look at them and not feel angry at them for letting her rot for days while she was tortured. But she also felt so much anger because they had risked so much just to save her.
She was one person, one insignificant failure of a person. They would've moved on. She wasn't an heir worthy of being called that. Her brother would've taken that title just fine. They didn't need her, no one did.
Not her friends, not her family, not Naruto, not even her father. Hell, her father probably wished she would've died there, then he wouldn't have to be here. Forced to stay in enemy territory, all because why?
Because she had failed him, like always.
You should've died.
She nodded, tears carelessly flowing down her neck, burning every inch of her skin. She had not noticed she was silently bawling now, an endless amount of tears escaping her closed eyes.
It took her only an instant after opening her eyes to notice everyone was already staring at her, no doubt thinking about the failure that she was.
They all think the same thing, they all wanted the same thing Hinata.
Her body shook, broken ribs and ankle be damned; nothing felt worse than her heart ripping itself apart.
Do you know what they wished would have happened?
She already knew, had always known. Amongst her friends, her family, her gang. She had always been the weakest, the easiest to dispose of. The black sheep.
But with him, she argued in her mind. Looking into a pool of sea coloured eyes. He looked shocked, immobile.
I thought maybe, with him, it could be different.
But it wasn't. He stood there, same as everyone else. Waiting for an apology from her. An apology for her entire existence it seemed like.
He's just like them. He thinks what they all think. He doesn't want you either, you know.
You should've died, you should've died, you should've died. They would all be so much better off.
Hinata couldn't take it anymore, the relentless thoughts of being a failure, of not deserving to be here with them, with him.
"I'm so sorry!" She shouted, apologizing to all of them. Her voice had cracked, tears spilling into her dry mouth. She had failed all of them.
She should've, it would've been so much easier for them if she just. If they just would've left her to…
"Die," her voice came out again, in the softest whisper any of them had ever heard. "You should've left me to die." She admitted, tears seizing. A cold draft being emitted from within heart taking hold of her.
Letting go of the arm Sasuke was using to stabilize her, she looked at everyone in that room.
Tears, there were so many tears.
From Temari, from Ino, from TenTen, and from Sakura. From Shikamaru and Kiba and Gaara. From Neji, from Sasuke. From Itachi. From Mikoto and Fugaku, and Tsunade and Minato?
Why were they all crying?
She looked back at Naruto and her father, the only ones standing close to her aside from Sasuke. A great deal of her father's weight was leaning on a pathetic looking Naruto. They were both crying too.
"Why?" she cried out, losing what little control she had over her emotions.
"Why did you come find me? Why didn't you find me sooner?" She contradicted, chest heaving uncontrollably.
A sobering thought struck her as she watched her father cry, something she had not witnessed since her mother's passing.
This isn't real, she took a weary step back from Sasuke. My father would never cry, not for me.
Lilac eyes shifted from side to side, expecting white walls to be washed out in her blood. This had been the most detrimental illusion of safety.
They're not real.
"You're not real?" She questioned, putting weight on her shattered ankle without batting an eye.
"Holy shit, you're not, are you." She kept muttering, not knowing if any of them could actually hear her, or cared enough to. "I'm still in hell."
Hinata clutched at her heaving chest, waiting for them all to disappear, or even worse to charge at her with knives, just like they had while she was in captivity.
She watched 'Sasuke' try to come toward her again, pulling something from behind him. She could no longer control the mortified hostility that coursed through her.
Hinata hadn't felt it in a long time, the rage fully take over her heart. But it was unmistakable, unforgettable.
Her eyes would not go red like Naruto's, but she would be just as destructive.