"You're not an elf," Craig said bluntly. The young man looking at him had his longsword pointed directly at him, but as seemed to be a common practice with Craig, he didn't tend to pay mind to the most important details for self preservation.
"Yeah, no shit," he rolled his eyes. The eyes were deep blue, unlike the glowing yellow or white that drow elves had. His skin was pale and evenly toned, with the exception of dark circles under his eyes. A normal skin tone for elves in general, or so he heard, but not for the grey skinned Drow Elves. Of course, the biggest dead giveaway that he was not some other sort of elf was his normal, rounded human ears that poked out from under his blue hat and messy black hair.
"Then who are you?" Tweek asked.
"I should ask you that," the human frowned, turning his attention to Tweek, "No one said anything about there being another one."
"Another one?" Craig asked, "The hell you mean by that?"
"Listen kid, I don't actually care that much and am just following orders," he replied, lowering his blade slightly, "Honestly, I just wanna get this over with already. So, if you'd just come with me without resistance or any of that the blond kid can run off back to wherever he's from and I'll be happy to pretend like I never saw him."
"Kid?" Craig found himself tensing up, "Who the fuck are you calling kids? You're no older than us."
"Okay, fine. I'll call you whatever the fuck you want if you don't make this harder than it has to be."
"Who the fuck are you to order us around?" Craig quickly grabbed his own blade and pointed it back at him, "We're not gonna listen to some random asshole who probably doesn't know us. Right?" he tilted his head to Tweek.
"Um...right," Tweek nodded after a moment's pause. Craig noticed a very troubled and confused look on his face, but opted to ignore it.
"Well, you're half right," the stranger replied as he completely ignored Craig's blade being pointed at him, "I don't know who that guy is, but I know exactly who you are."
"Bullshit."
"C'mon, I know you're here from Kupa with a letter from that asshole wizard to bring peace. The High Elf King asked me to go fetch you because he predicted that you'd be a moron who would wander right into Drow Elf territory and get yourself killed."
"What?"
"Am I wrong?"
"Yes-"
"No," Tweek interrupted, "That's exactly why we're here, and we think that it's very kind and gracious of your King to ask for you to come out here. We really appreciate it."
"Yeah, well, he's under arrest."
"What?!" Craig and Tweek both gasped in unison.
"C'mon now, who do you take us for?" he rolled his eyes, "Do you really think for two seconds the High Elf King would buy that bullshit? That that Cartman wizard asshole would ever send some convicted thief of all things for a peace treaty? Or that he'd actually want peace in general?"
"Hey, fuck you! It's true!" Craig spat.
"It is, I can vouch for him!" Tweek insisted.
"You weren't supposed to be part of this," the man raised an eyebrow as he looked to Tweek, "Who are you and where are you even supposed to be from? Your accent doesn't sound like it's from Kupa."
"Yet...yours does," Tweek blinked, as if hit by a sudden realization, "You don't speak with any sort of Elvish accent at all."
"Yeah, that's right," Craig added in irritatedly, "You're just some Kupa asshole trying to start shit. Why?"
"Okay fine, I was born in Kupa, but that's really not fucking relevant right now," he groaned, rolling his eyes. He pointed his blade directly at Tweek. "Who the fuck is he?"
"If you're from Kupa, then that's really fucking relevant," Craig dodged the question, "How the fuck am I supposed to believe that some Kupa guy managed to get accepted into the ranks of the High Elven...whatever you are?"
"There's a lot of us, actually," he said.
"What, as canon fodder for stupid dangerous jobs like this?" Craig smirked.
"I'm the right hand man to the High Elf King, actually."
"Fuck off," Craig spat.
"Enough!" Tweek yelled out, "Arguing isn't going to get us anywhere. Feldspar underwent an incredibly dangerous and long journey from Kupa to try and bring peace. Yes, he is a thief, which I am not sure how you know, but he is one of the most genuine and honest people I have ever met."
"Well, no offense, but what are you supposed to say? That your companion is a liar?"
"No!" Tweek frowned, "But as you said, I wasn't supposed to be here. I met him when he crossed my territory and I was inspired by his quest and wanted to join him."
"And that territory is?"
"I-I'm a Barbarian."
"Wow," his blue eyes widened, "Didn't see that coming. Though I guess the lack of bodypaint does that."
"Right. So please understand when I say that-"
"Nope," he cut him off. "The High Elf Kingdom is busy with a lot of bullshit right now. We have to deal with this asshole," he nudged towards Craig, "and don't have time for Barbarians to be added to the mix."
"Hey, don't be a jackass," Craig swung his blade, pointing it millimeters away from the man's neck.
"A knight's blade," he looked down at it, unflinching, "You stole it, right? Well anyway." He swung up his own sword and knocked Craig's blade out of the way, the force of this offsetting his balance. Before Craig could straighten up, the man used his free hand to grab Craig's wrist tightly and painfully, causing him to drop his blade completely.
"Hey, let him go!" Tweek cried out.
"Just scram already," the man replied exasperatedly. He quickly sheathed his sword. Craig tried to reach out with his free hand, but the man caught it before he could. He pushed Craig down to the ground chest first and put a knee on his back to prevent him from standing up as he reached for a pair of cuffs that had been tied to the back of his belt, previously concealed by his green cape.
"Hey!" Tweek tried to shove him off of Craig. The man, despite being the same approximate size as Craig, barely flinched. He finished putting on the handcuffs and once they were on he grabbed them, forcing Craig back up into a standing position.
"This is fucking stupid," Craig yelled, "You can't treat me like this!"
"Um, yeah I can," he said, "And I'm sure Kupa told you that we usually kill on sight, so really you should probably be more grateful right now."
That's right. Through the irritation of this whole encounter, Craig had forgotten about that fact completely.
"Maybe that's fair," Tweek added, "Maybe this is the best option for everyone's safety. But still, I must come with you!"
"Nah," he answered abruptly, as he started to push Craig towards a certain direction, "Now let's go uh-Feldspar is what they call you, right?"
"Yeah whatever, I'll come in handcuffs for some good faith bullshit, but you really should let him come along too."
"Does the Grand Wizard even know about him?"
"Well, no."
"Then why the fuck should I?" he scowled, "Listen, I'm just following orders. He shouldn't be here and me just letting him fuck off instead of killing him for tresspassing is technically a nice move."
"You should because he...He'll just follow us anyway. Right?"
"Y-Right!" Tweek nodded, running up to quickly catch up with them, "Feldspar first tried to get rid of me, you know. I am good at breaking people down when I have to."
"He's right," Craig nodded.
He groaned loudly. "Fine, follow us if you want. I don't care anymore. Doesn't mean you'll be let in."
And so they continued onward. There were several times they strayed near Drow Elves, but the man quickly reached for a pouch and threw some powder, ordering Craig (and by extension Tweek) to stand still and be quiet.
Drow Elves did approach them, too. Their grey skin and glowing eyes made Craig's heart pound and feel like he was about to throw up. Still, they would completely pass them and go about their way, as if they didn't notice them at all.
"What was that stuff you threw?" Tweek asked.
He didn't answer.
Craig groaned. "What was that stuff you threw?" he echoed Tweek.
"Concealing powder," he explained, "Only works on other elves though, for some reason. Try to use it on a human or orc or something and they'll just look at you like you're crazy. I'll even give your friend some to protect himself if he fucks off already."
"No!" Tweek yelled, "And you'll stop disrespecting me like this!"
"Yeah, stop disrespecting him like this," Craig echoed for dramatic effect.
"This is really getting annoying," he frowned, "I forgot why I don't like dealing with most other humans."
"You said there were a lot in the High Elf Kingdom?" Tweek cut in.
"Well, not a lot a lot. Few enough that I know all of them. But they're cool. Mostly."
"Wait a second," Craig stopped in his tracks, "You know all the humans?"
"Yep," he pushed Craig to start walking again, "Some very briefly, though. I dunno."
"Then…" Craig thought back to Lord Marsh. He didn't feel much loyalty to him and had honestly mostly forgotten about him, but he was the reason he...well, wasn't just executed in prison immediately. He was an old drunkard, but he stuck his neck out for Craig more than once, and all he asked in return was for him to try and do one thing.
"What?" he raised an eyebrow.
"I know this is a longshot that's probably really dumb," he started, "But do you happen to know of a Stanley Marsh?
The man stopped, his grip on Craig's cuffed arms tightening instinctually. "Where'd you hear that name from?" he asked, turning Craig around to look him directly in the eyes.
"Well, everyone in Kupa City knows that name, dude," Craig said, "Prominent noble's son gets murdered on a peace mission? There's been conspiracies about that for years now."
"Really?" he asked, eyes widening.
"Yeah," Craig answered defensively, "I dunno if it's some sour spot for you elf-aligned assholes, but Lord Marsh was kinda this guy who stuck his neck out for me a lot over the years, including getting me this job instead of having me hanged or whatever."
"What about him?"
"I dunno, he was always convinced that his son wasn't killed. Since you said you know all the humans here, thought maybe it'd be nice to ask."
"Ask what?" he tilted his head.
"If he's alive, obviously," Craig frowned, annoyed at his obliviousness.
The man turned back around and started walking again. Tweek ran to catch up to them and shot Craig a confused look, but otherwise said nothing.
"Yeah, he's alive," the man finally responded.
"Huh," Craig pondered, "I guess that old drunk was right aftera-"
"I'm him."
"Really?" Craig's eyes widened.
"Yeah."
"Well uh...shit," Craig answered, "I really don't know what to say. Your family misses you a lot. Except maybe your sister, but she's kind of a huge bitch and you're not missing much. But your mom and dad they-"
"Don't really care."
"Well that's fucking callous."
"I was a little kid when I got separated," the Marsh kid answered, "This is the life I'm attached to now. Got a pretty sweet deal here, and don't really wanna give it up to go back to that hellhole excuse of a kingdom for people I barely remember."
"Wow you're really an asshole."
"Cr-Feldspar, stop," Tweek shook his head at him, shooting him a warning glare.
"God, kid, can you just fuck off already?" the Marsh kid's hands balled into fists, "This is supposed to be some boring retrieval mission, I don't need to be strung into stupid fucking drama, okay?"
"You have no right to talk to me like that!" Tweek yelled back.
"Actually, yeah, I do."
"No you don't, what is it...Mr. Marsh?"
"Stan Marsh. Stan is fine."
"Alright Stan Marsh, I'll tell you one more time. You are going to let me come with you to the High Elf Kingdom. You are going to treat Feldspar and me like proper guests. If you don't, you are going to find yourself in more trouble than you want."
"Wow," Craig said under his breath. He had seen Tweek be bossy, but never that authoritative.
"No, I'm not," Stan rolled his eyes, "And also I thought you were fine with me having him in handcuffs? Why do you think you can demand more now?"
"I-" Tweek looked to Craig long and hard before looking back to Stan, "You have no idea who you're dealing with."
"Well, technically you are right there. Still got no idea who you are."
Tweek took a deep breath, "Then maybe you should so you can reconsider."
"Really don't think so, but go ahead," Stan sighed.
Tweek looked long and hard at Craig again, his mouth twitching open and shut several times.
"C'mon, I don't have all day."
"I'm…"
"You're?"
"I...I'm Prince Tweek Tweak, future King of the United Barbarian Tribes…"
Stan stopped. "What did you just say?"
"U-Under the order of the Hyaz Treaty...I ask-no order you to take me and my friend to the High Elf King."
"Goddammit. Goddammit," Stan groaned loudly, "Just-Just...Come on."