A/N: Shout-out to the four people who followed my story after reading just the prologue and to truehomiepip & lonelylights for my first ever reviews! A few kind words that went a long way.
Lily Evans vividly remembers when she fell in love with magic.
She remembers her father in the kitchen with her mother's apron on, holding her in his arms even though she was too old now to be carried. He had held her hand and a whisk in the same grip and they danced as her father sang sweetly along to the stereo.
"…have you seen her dressed in blue? see the sky in front of you,
and her face is like a sail, speck of white so fair and pale
have you seen a lady fairer…"
They made pancakes together in the mornings and always made a complete mess of it. Lily would get flour everywhere: in her hair, on her clothes, across her arms. "Sundays are for messes," her father had told her with a laugh, sprinkling flour onto his own greying hair and smearing some across her cheek with the swipe of his thumb. Petunia had never liked messes, in fact, the sensation of the thick and moist flour underneath her fingernails made her cringe and accompany their mother to pick fresh flowers from the square instead of preparing breakfast. Lily's mother had always placed an importance keeping flowers around, much on giving them out as well, and could be found in several of the rooms that made up their house. Sundays always worked like this. After church, Lily and her father would return home to make breakfast, and Petunia and her mother would set off for the square on foot.
She was in his arms, twirling around in the kitchen, and Lily had been so intensely delighted to be with her father, she hardly noticed when he stopped spinning. In the midst of her melodic giggles, she followed his gaze above them where petals danced in the air around them. She had stopped laughing and they stood there for what felt like a long time until she lifted her hand out of his and reached to touch the closest of the petals to their heads. He began to protest. She remembered the fleeting moment of panic that jolted through his body before her finger met the edge of one single petal. It glowed and bounced away, which had made her upset, and simultaneously they all dropped into a pile on their kitchen floor.
It wouldn't be until a few years later that they would document this as Lily's first witnessed act of underage magic. Her father had looked from Lily's face to the varying display of petals around their feet, dumbfounded, unsure of how he knew he shouldn't be afraid and unsure of how, without any supporting evidence, he knew his youngest daughter had caused the small miracle. Because it had been so beautiful a sight, a miracle was what it must have been.
"What are you, flower?" He had asked her with a nervous laugh, but a brilliant smile.
"…she's like a rainbow
coming colors in the air
oh, everywhere, she comes in colors…"
At the age of eleven, Lily sat across from her parents and woman who introduced herself as Minerva and listened to her explain to Mr. and Mrs. Evans that their daughter was gifted and belonged to an exceptionally gifted world. Her father had looked at her with that same brilliant wide smile, swelling with pride and honor, and Lily knew that she did not have to be afraid of her peculiarities the way her sister had been when the products of her gifts – her magic, she had to remind herself – had been less and less far between. It was with his smile on her that Lily began to love magic with all the same strength and devotion that her father had loved her that day in their kitchen.
Eighth Week, Sixth Year
Lily was mindlessly watching her spoon spin circles into her tea, which had long been abandoned along with her Potions textbook, the likes of which she was supposed to be studying. Remus sat close beside her with an arm folded under his head as he scribbled into his notebook, ink stains on his fingers from hurried writing. The grounds outside were clattered with hailstones and lightning struck the dark sky behind thick grey clouds. The effect of the weather and dim lighting in the dining hall weighed heavily on her eyelids.
These quiet nights were few and far between, but on rainy days, Gryffindor team liked to practice. Rather, Potter would force them to run plays and train until water weighed too heavily into the fibers of their clothing to stay on their brooms. Sometimes Lily and Remus would watch them fly about in the stands, but Lily would only come along if the weather was agreeable, and only if she and Remus still hadn't worked out their homework (but more on that later).
She often found herself in Remus' company since the start of the school year, given they had both become prefects this year (to which she replied with a "bite me" and an obscene gesture her mother would not approve of when questioned who she had to murder to get the job). It wasn't that they hadn't been friends, in fact, she had considered him a friend before they became partners in crime. Well, partners in stopping crime… but mostly, partners of stopping students from snogging in empty classrooms. The latter just didn't have the same ring to it, y'know? But being friends with Remus had come quite naturally to her, and quite easily maintained than the ones she held with the rest of his friends.
Sirius Black hadn't taken the same liking to her that James Potter had, although it became fairly clear to Lily that Potter's persistent pursuit was more of a joke than any act fueled by genuine feeling. Peter, well, Lily hadn't conversed much with Peter outside of the classroom. He seemed mostly warm towards her whenever he wasn't shadowed behind Sirius, but she figured it was one of those "you have to hate who I hate" kind of deals. She wasn't going to try and delve into the minds of teenage boys. Her life was hard enough already with James Potter spending their every moment together (the word "together" being used loosely, Lily Evans would remind you) trying to embarrass her in front of the entire school.
She hated him.
Well, she was trying to pretend to anyway. Breaking from her routine was far less confusing than whatever churning feeling she had felt eight weeks ago when she had spotted James Potter getting off the train at Hogsmeade.
"Are you alright?" She felt a poke against her arm.
"Hmm, what?" Remus' voice broke her away from her thoughts, looking down to where his fork was digging against her arm.
"You've been unusually quiet… And you dropped butter on your notes earlier."
She darted his fork away. "I thought it would make studying for Slughorn's exam far more appealing."
"I don't think it worked." He looked at her greasy paper with judgment.
"My ideas can't all be winners, Lupin."
Dropping her belongings messily over the table in front of them, Marlene climbed into the bench across from her with a huff. Her brown hair was damp and tied into a loose knot at the base of her neck where dry pieces of hair had already begun to curl. Lily flinched at the sudden loudness of it all. Remus only lifted his eyes from his paper to look up at her, smiled, and returned to his writings.
"How was practice, Mar?" Remus raised his eyebrows at Lily's question, or was it her tone, and shared a look with Marlene. Lily pretended not to notice this exchange.
"Brutal." She replied, grabbing a biscuit from the plate of food in front of Lily. "There was a lot of yelling, a hell of a lot more rain, and I almost fell off my broomstick during a play, which resulted in more yelling." James Potter had built up quite a reputation as Captain in the last two months.
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, it's fine," she said with her mouth full, "Because Wicks actually did fall off his broom after he sniggered some comment about having girls on the team."
Marlene's gaze flickered past Lily's shoulder briefly before looking back at her, "Serves him ri—," she stopped mid-sentence and shifted her gaze behind Lily once more, a mildly amused expression spreading across her face.
Lily, confused, followed her gaze behind her and was met with a pair of cool blue eyes. She swiftly looked away. "Merlin's sake," she groaned into her hands.
"Poor bloke," Remus snorted as he watched Malcolm Peakes continue to bore his eyes into the back of Lily's head. "Marlene, which would you say is the most brutal? Lily breaking up with Malcolm or Quidditch practice?"
"Oh, Malcolm takes home the gold… and the silver."
Lily threw a carrot at Marlene's head, easily dodged due to Lily's remarkably terrible aim.
They hadn't been together long before she broke it off with Malcolm, mostly because they'd gotten together five weeks before summer break and Lily chose not to count that considering she had spent a fair amount of that break figuring out a way to let him down easy. It had become clear to Lily that she wasn't as invested in their relationship as he was. Of course, in the beginning, she was very smitten with him. He was gorgeous. Inexplicably handsome. He had short waves of straw-colored hair and his eyes shined of blues and greys that reminded her of spring skies. His smile was dazzling, too, one of those that turned up in one corner of his face. Lily had always found those types of smiles so charming.
They had many long walks throughout the castle and stolen kisses in corridors. He would offer her his scarf when it got too cold in the courtyard and take her hands in his to warm her. Being with him had been easy, never having to guess what he was thinking and hardly ever disagreeing with one another.
When he asked to write to her over the summer, she had beamed, and he left her breathless with a sweet, long kiss on the lips.
But many things had changed for Lily that summer before her sixth year at Hogwarts. She had received many letters, some from her friends, some from relatives she hardly knew, letters she sorted as she sat in her living room with her mother and sister all dressed in black.
Among a series of letters Malcolm had written to Lily, most of which had gone without reply, came another rather unexpectedly, but not entirely unwelcome, by one James Potter that only furthered that changed (but more on that later).
And when she had arrived at Platform 9 ¾ to find Malcolm waiting for her, and he had kissed her; she felt nothing… rather guiltily because she had completely forgotten to look for him. She had been searching for another face.
"Malcolm, there's something I wanted to talk to you about," she had blurted out during the welcoming feast, cutting through the retelling of his trip to the United States.
He had propped up, straightened his back, and stared at her with a glimmer in his eyes.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" She felt uncomfortable beneath his gaze.
"Nothing – oh, sorry, please continue."
"Okay." She took a deep breath. "I want to start by saying that, I-I think – I mean, you're brilliant, absolutely. And you've been so sweet to me—" she could barely stand to look at him as he watched her with that charming smile of his, and instead looked down at her hands as she wrung them together in her lap.
"Your letters this summer were beautiful. I've really enjoyed our time together—"
He lifted his hand to stop her. "I know where this is going. You don't have to say anything else."
"You really don't," she interjected, but he stopped her once more by taking her hand in both of his with a meaningful expression on his face. "Lily, I think I know where we've been headed for a while now."
"Really?" She asked rather dubiously, wondering if perhaps she had rehearsed this moment for no reason.
"Yes. I understand completely." He paused and looked down at their hands.
Lily was almost relieved she didn't have to say the words that would crush him.
"I love you too, Lily."
Almost.
She nearly choked on her own breath, "I'm sorr—what?"
"That's what you meant, wasn't it?" He smiled and kissed her hand, she tried to pull away. "I thought perhaps it was too soon, especially considering everything you've been through this summer, but listening to you talk right now… I think you're brilliant too – more than brilliant. And I know it hasn't been very long, but I'm certain that what we ha–"
"I want to break up." She blurted out, but shouted more than anything, causing any student within earshot to turn their heads.
It had been terrible timing on Lily's part, but she's never been the best at approaching these types of things.
The weeks that followed had been.. uncomfortable, at best. Malcolm had made several attempts at trying to convince Lily she was just projecting, purposely pushing him away due to overwhelming emotion. She wished it had been just that. He really was perfect, she thought.
But perfect wasn't enough. And the grief she dealt with before their untimely breakup, had only helped cleared her head that she was looking for something else. Someone else (but Lily wasn't ready to go quite into specifics yet).
Just then a broomstick landed on the table, knocking over Lily's tea, the pages of her buttered notes soaked. Lily wondered why everyone was throwing things today. But even further, she wondered why Sirius was just as wet as Marlene when he wasn't even on the team.
Sirius clapped Remus rather forcefully on the back, leaving a wet handprint on his sweater. He hadn't bothered to dry off before dinner. Remus barely flinched at his touch and responded by punching him in the gut (the way boys do?) but Sirius only laughed it off before roughing Remus' hair up.
Remus swatted his hands away, looking disgruntled.
As he climbed into the bench, Sirius looked between Lily and Marlene with a furrowed brow and pursed lips for longer than seemed necessary.
"Try not to think so hard, Black. You'll hurt yourself."
"Where's the other one?" He motioned a finger between the two, ignoring Lily's previous statement.
"Do you mean Mary, Sirius?" Marlene answered as Lily rolled her eyes. "Mary MacDonald, who you were only just caught in a broom closet with last week?"
He cleared his throat. "Yeah, that one." He squeezed into the small space between Remus and Lily, knocking him in the ribs. Lily scooted down the bench to grudgingly oblige him.
"I would try looking in the library," Marlene said.
"What gave you the impression I was trying to find her?" He looked at Marlene like she was crazy and muttered, "Honestly, woman," under his breath as he helped himself to a cup of pumpkin juice. He scooted further into his position on the bench and squinted at Remus. "Merlin, Moony, have you been here the whole time?"
Remus ignored him. Marlene squirmed in her seat uncomfortably and looked at Lily. Interactions between the two boys had been rather strained as of late, something Lily knew better than to question Remus about.
"Where's your other half, Black? El Capitan?" Marlene asked, changing the subject.
"Oh, he's avoiding Red," he jerked a thumb towards Lily without looking at her. "Wasn't that obvious?"
Remus elbowed Sirius causing him to choke on his pumpkin juice. "Oi!"
Lily stooped dabbing at the spilled tea dripping down the side of the table and looked at Remus, who was glaring at his friend. "He's obviously avoiding me?" Lily asked, a flush of color rising in her cheeks.
Sirius didn't answer her as he wiped the juice that had escaped his mouth.
Remus leaned over the table to look at her, "Don't listen to Sirius, Lily." He said reassuringly, then looked sharply at Sirius. "He's only trying to stir up trouble, possibly the only thing he's good at these days." Again, Sirius said nothing.
Before she could overanalyze the fact that James Potter was avoiding her, obviously avoiding her, she caught the sight of a familiar small figure hurriedly making their way down the Great Hall.
Alice Murphy was a kind girl with soft edges and a sweet smile. She was commonly well-liked for the positivity that wafted off her and an honest compassion that was hard to come by. She was widely respected as Head Girl and when she traded her long brown locks for short wispy spikes everyone had complimented her sincerely and affectionately because Alice Murphy could be lovely even with no hair at all. Though, as she drew closer to where they sat, Lily thought she looked far more ill than she did lovely.
Lily climbed out of the bench just as she passed and caught her arm gently, "Are you alright, Alice?"
Alice jumped at Lily's touch, but recovered quickly and turned around to face Lily with a nervous smile. "I'm good, how are you?"
Confused by her addled response, Lily repeated, "Is everything alright?"
"Oh, well, that's a bit rude, considering I haven't seen you all day." She looked down at a folded piece of parchment that she held and quickly, not so subtly, placed her hands behind her back. A brief moment of silence passed, and then she rocked back on her heels and continued, "Well, gotta run!"
She turned around and came face to face with Sirius. "What's got you so tense, Murphs? Did Frank forget to water your plants?"
"I have important business to discuss with Professor McGonagall." She cleared her throat and held her head high to a much taller Sirius Black. "Head Girl business, if you must know."
She tried to sidestep around him with her hands behind her back still when he cleverly managed to swipe the parchment from between her fingers. "Black, don't!" she shouted. Sirius had little respect for anyone, and everyone was warned not to take it personally.
He darted behind Lily, with a grin that closely resembled that of a child opening presents before Christmas morning.
Remus got up and dodged Alice's hand as she tried to stop him, and Marlene, refusing to be left out began to crawl over the table towards them, drawing several startled glances her way from neighboring Gryffindors.
Sirius read aloud the contents of the paper in his hands, teasingly, like he was reading Alice's diary, "Dirk Cresswell—," the next words died in his throat, however, and suddenly all the humor in his face had gone.
Remus looked up at Lily from where he stood behind his friend with an unreadable expression. Before Marlene could read it herself, Lily grabbed the note from Sirius, ignoring his protest. An angry heat began to rise in her chest as her eyes darted back and forth across the page. It read:
Dirk Cresswell mudblood
Lily Evans mudblood
Leon Thomas blood traitor
Those of inferior blood beware the new world order.
Those who seek to oppose will not be spared.
THE DARK LORD RISES
For the second time in her school career, Lily's blood ran cold. For it had not been a month before that Anton Waternaux was descending the steps towards Herbology, hand in hand with girlfriend Phoebe Crossier. His foot had begun to fall onto the next step below him when the world around him turned upside down and suddenly, he was falling. The papers he had been holding slowly drifted down to where he laid a heap on the floor. All he remembered was the pain, he said. There had been so much pain. Several hours with Madame Pomfrey working profusely over him, he awoke, suffering from several mending broken bones and a cracked skull. He had spent the following two weeks recovering in the infirmary.
The previous week a second year Ravenclaw walked up to Professor Flitwick during lunch hour and asked him what the word "mudblood" meant as she handed him a piece of parchment paper, bearing the same resemblance to the one Lily held now. The entire surrounding Ravenclaw and Gryffindor table had fallen silent upon hearing the nasty word.
Phoebe Crossier was one of the three muggleborn students on the list written in red ink, an uncomfortable likeness to blood seemed to be purposeful. The staff was unable to find the author of the list after several interviews were held and various wands were checked. Many believed that whatever jinx had sent Anton tumbling down the stairs had actually been meant for Phoebe. Others speculated that someone had wanted to teach him a lesson for soiling his pureblood reputation, given rumors that they planned to marry after graduation. Dumbledore made a public announcement that same night, urging anyone with information to come forward, that the endangerment of a student's life would not be tolerated. But as the week passed, everything had quieted down and the school had moved past it once Anton had healed.
Anton Waterneax and Pheobe Crossier did not get married after graduation last year.
Her hands trembled and her lips formed a tight line across her face as Dumbledore's words echoed in her mind, "Hogwarts must be a united front against the darkness that threatens us beyond these walls."
She heard Remus ask her a question, but she wasn't listening. She was looking at McGonagall, where she sat at the high table.
Alice held out her hand with caution, her fingers at the edge of the parchment, "Dumbledore made it very clear, Lily. This must be turned in for examination."
For a moment, she rationalized with herself that as a prefect, she needed to hand the paper over. So, she let Alice take hold of it and turned towards Remus behind her, trying to control her emotions.
That's when she saw him. A flash of pale skin against black robes and unkempt, long black hair.
United, she repeated over and over in her mind angrily. Fuck that.
Tearing the paper from Alice's hands, she bolted after him.
"Evans, that needs to be taken to a professor!"
"Lily, stop!"
"Where is she going?"
Severus barely had a moment before her hands shoved him hard from behind, causing him to drop the textbooks in his arms to the floor. He reeled around to face his attacker, ripples of shock and confusion falling across his face before he settling on a scowl. He blinked and yelled, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Mulciber, who had been walking beside him, halted to a stop upon hearing the crash of books against the floor, immediately reaching for his wand.
She shoved the paper forcefully into his chest, just as he had regained his footing. "Is this supposed to be some kind of sick joke?" she shouted.
A few students who had been walking by came to a stop several feet away from them to watch with foolish intrigue.
He glanced at it briefly before throwing it back in her direction. "What is this?"
She gave him a dirty look and scoffed, "Don't play dumb."
Remus, Marlene, and Sirius caught up with her now, standing behind her. Marlene came to a stop beside her, trying to pull her away with a firm grip on her arm, "He's not worth it, Lily." But she could not be moved.
Severus hissed back at her, "I don't know what this is."
"I find that hard to believe." She snapped.
He looked towards Mulciber, as if to make sure he was still standing there. "I don't care what you do or don't believe."
"Oh, so I suppose Anton Waternaux jinxed himself down the staircase? Or was it one of your lackeys?" She looked sharply towards Mulciber beside him. "Frankly, I'm surprised you managed to spell all the words correctly." Mulciber's nostrils flared at her insult and began to retort back, but a hand from Severus silenced his rage.
"You can't accuse me of everything bad that happens in this castle," he sneered at her. "He should have known better, anyway, with all his muggle praising. He was bound to make a few people angry." He began to turn away.
Lily refused to let him to his back on her without the final word.
She wanted to humiliate him, the way he had humiliated her so many times before. She wanted him to feel the embarrassment she had felt when he'd gone and proved everyone in her life right after she had held on for so long. Defended him for so long. Played into her own delusion for so long. She must have held on so tight, she missed when her oldest friend had fallen so far beyond her help, and slipped through her fingertips.
But their friendship had begun to implode long before. The moment their friendship cracked wasn't by the lake with one word – it was several moments, over several years, with several words all orchestrated to shatter everything in one fell swoop.
Lily needed rationality to take a back seat. She needed this moment to gain some twisted and illogical sort of closure she never got. And maybe she needed this moment for other reasons she didn't want to think about, but there was a searing hot anger she still felt every day when she thought about the fact that two of the closest relationships she had in her life had died that summer.
"You say muggle like you're not half of one!" She yelled as he walked away from her. "My father was a muggle, just the same as yours! But I guess I'd be just as embarrassed if mine was a scum, worthless excuse for a human being." His next step faltered. "And you're just like him." He stopped.
Severus drew his wand on Lily, coming to face her, the way she had expected him to. Lily was quick to dodge a flash of bright light that had exploded from the end of his wand, and then she looked at him, feeling the corner of her mouth twitch, and knew she had gotten to him. He began to lift his wand once more and Lily's mind began to form the beginnings of a charm as she reached for her own wand, when the soaking wet form of James Potter stepped in front of her with his pointed at Severus. "Alright there, Evans?" he said coolly, his eyes flickered with mischief.
The students had formed a crowd around them now, anxiously anticipating the next move, like waiting for a bird to make its descent upon its prey. Lily was unsure who the bird was in this situation.
"I'd be careful with that wand, Potter." His eyes moved to Remus with a smug look on his face. "There's no telling what I'll do if you hex me."
Lily swore she heard Remus growl behind her, low and inhumanly. Sirius stepped forward with a hardened expression on his face, but Lily held him back.
"Marlene's right. He's not worth it." James turned his head to look at her with confusion.
"I got enough satisfaction watching him prove me right," she said, narrowing her eyes at Severus.
And with that, she took her hand off her wand, and the others relaxed around her, reluctantly.
She began to let Marlene turn her away, towards the common room when Severus let out a nasty laugh under his breath, "You don't want a fight, anyway, Lily." And then he uttered the words that ended it. "You wouldn't want to end up like your father."
In a blur of quiet gasps that erupted from the crowd surrounding them, James and Remus both made a furious start towards Severus while Marlene, who had been holding on to Lily's arm, let go to grab her wand from her back pocket. Sirius, having never been known to come to the red-headed girl's defense, took two steps and began to wind his fist back to meet the smirk that resided on Mulciber's face.
However, Lily Evans was far quicker than anyone expected, acting under no intentional thought or previously planned intellectual judgment. With one turn, Lily swung her hand behind her with all the force she could muster and in one effortlessly executed act of redress slapped Severus Snape across the face.
Severus staggered back, dropping his wand to hold the side of his face in surprise, trying his best to hide the pain. Everyone stopped where they were at the loud smack that had erupted from Lily's hand. They only stared at her, flabbergasted as she pulled her wand out and pointed it at Severus for the first time in her life. Mulciber only stood beside him, thoroughly baffled, with Sirius hovering over him, still with his fist in the air and his mouth agape.
By now you should know that Lily Evans was a terrible prefect.
"What is the meaning of this?" Professor McGonagall walked up to the scene, several students scattering as her voice seemed to shake the walls of the corridor. Alice followed close behind her, pushing past the wave of students going against her.
She came to a stop in front of them, bewildered at the scene before her. Lily never really understood the expression "seeing red" until the very moment McGonagall's eyes fell upon her wand, still aimed at Severus.
"I have never seen such a disgraceful sight." She yelled, and Lily thought her eyes might pop out of her head. "Students with their wands out," she said, her eyes wandering to where an angry red mark could be seen forming on Severus' face, "Muggle-dueling!" She looked at the two opposing sides for some time. "Explain yourselves!"
"Snape provoked her," said Remus stiffly.
"Provoked you?" shouted Professor McGonagall, her eyes now fixed on Lily. "What on earth could he have said that justified a duel in the middle of the corridor?"
Lily looked away, pointedly putting her wand back in her pocket.
Alice quietly collected the parchment that lay at Lily's feet, which Lily had forgotten all about, and handed it to the professor. The shock on her face was quickly hardened as she turned to address the crowd.
"All of you," she shouted to the students who still remained, "are to make your way to the house common rooms."
She turned back, giving Lily a once over. "Miss Evans, I want a few words in my office," she told her, sternly. Severus had begun to step back with Mulciber when her voice stopped him in his tracks, "You as well, Mister Snape."
James tried to protest as Lily pushed past a Slytherin girl towards the office, but McGonagall stopped him. "I gave directions, Potter. I expect them to be followed." Then added to the rest of the group that remained, "I assure you, both Slytherin and Gryffindor have just lost ten points for each of the wands I spotted. I trust you can sort out the math." And with that, she followed Lily and Severus around the corner and disappeared.
Mary was sitting with Marlene on Lily's bed when she finally returned to the dormitories. Her usually perfect black curls laid on top of her head in a messy bun. At the sight of them, Marlene with her face in a vague swirl of pride and sadness and Mary's with tears welling in her eyes, it was then that she finally let her own tears, tears she hadn't known she'd been holding, roll down her cheeks.
Mary had crumbled along with Lily to the floor beside her bed, resting her weight against the bedpost with her hand running up and down Lily's back, trying her best to comfort her. Lily knew Mary must have felt shaken, if not more so than Lily, about another publication of the anonymous threat. Only several months had passed since Mulciber had cornered her on her way to Gryffindor common room, something she refused to talk about as of yet.
"I snagged this bottle for Halloween," Marlene sighed, hovering about them both, "but I think tonight calls for some drinking."
Lily took the bottle offered to her and chose to ignore the fact that she had an exam first thing tomorrow.
She felt angry. Anger towards the unfathomable humiliation she felt, despite herself, about being degraded to nothing but her blood status.
She was angry that even after her fight with Severus, what should have been a satisfying display of events, she still felt empty inside.
She was angry that all her fury had little to do with Severus at all, in fact, and that she misguidedly thought she could fool herself into thinking it had been. Because even though the most unforgivable words Lily had ever been attacked with had both escaped Severus Snape's lips on two separate occasions, she knew he had little, most likely nothing at all, to do with Lily's name on that list.
What was it Malcolm had said about projecting?
But mostly, beneath the anger and under the influence of several more gulps of firewhiskey, she felt a horrible guilt for the way she had treated James Potter just before she had returned to Gryffindor Tower. She felt guiltier about that than she did for anything she had done or anything else that had previously transpired only two hours ago.
James had been waiting for her, leaning against the wall opposite to McGonagall's office when she was released, the professor's words weighed heavily on her. All she had wanted to do was sleep for the rest of the night and try to forget all the feelings that were stirring like a hurricane in her head. He jogged up and came to a stop in front of her, peering behind her at the closed door, uncertainly.
"He was dismissed a couple minutes ago," she said quietly, without looking into his eyes. "What do you want, Potter?" Her head had begun to throb several minutes into her conversation with McGonagall, specifically when the word detention had been mentioned.
"I just wanted to make sure you were all right." He said, with his hands in his pockets, the cool-tempered attitude he had previously worn downstairs was gone.
She began to walk towards the common room. "I can take care of myself," she snapped. Her tone had been sharper than she meant it to be, but she could feel her temper rising at thought of his unnecessary concern.
He followed close behind her. "I know you can." He squinted, somewhat confused by her manner.
Lily quickened her pace to a less than natural speed, irritated that James wasn't struggling in the slightest to keep up with her.
She reeled around to face him. He skidded to a stop to avoid knocking into her, his face in shock as she raised her voice at him. "Well, then why do you go butting into every conversation I have?"
"Conversation?" He laughed then. "Is that what I stepped into just now?"
"I didn't ask you to step into anything!" she yelled.
"I didn't say you did!"
"I'm not some damsel in distress that needs saving, Potter."
"I know that!" He repeated, shouting back at her.
"Then why were you there?"
"Because despite my better judgment, I care about what happens to you!"
"Despite your better judgment?" It was clear on his face he immediately regretted the poor choice of words, but Lily felt so tired she couldn't stop from continuing on, sarcastically, "Am I supposed to thank you for that?"
"That's not what I meant." He was trying to keep his own temper in check, she could tell, with a furrowed forehead and eyebrows drawn together.
She made to keep walking, but he held her in her place. She ignored the warmth that spread across her arms under his touch.
"Hey! Catch me up here, Evans. Are you actually angry that I stepped into the line of fire for you?"
"Are you so arrogant that you're looking for a-a reward?"
"Are you so blinded by your own stupid pride that you can't see that's not it at all?"
They had closed in on one another now and, again, she could smell the rain on him. She could feel his breath on her face, her own breathing coming in faster and heavier than before when she was hurriedly walking away from him. His eyes were bright tonight, stained with the amber of a fire's glow.
"Why don't you and your better judgment just go back to avoiding me?" Lily said calmly, mildly upset at the sting she felt, worse than the sting of the ones Severus had used.
"Avoiding you?" he asked, a new expression Lily couldn't identify spreading across his face. His voice was smaller now.
James looked like he was struggling for an answer, to find words that would tell her he hadn't been doing what she accused him of. But Lily only gave him a moment before she started on him once more. "God, it's true." She looked heavenward with her face scrunched muddled somewhere between confusion and anger. "I'm such an idiot. Here I was, trying to be your-your—"
"My what?" He cut her off.
She paused for only the slightest of a second, unsure of what exactly she had wanted from James.
"Your friend, Potter!" She settled on, finally backing away from him. "Something! Anything that doesn't involve yelling at each other," she grabbed the sides of her head, feeling like she might explode. "Yet I come to find that you obviously don't want anything to do with me."
Lily watched as his face turned to stone.
"You stubborn—You— " He shouted even though he struggled to form his thoughts into sentences. He took a deep breath and then looked at her with his face twisted up as if he himself was in pain. "Avoid you? It is nearly impossible to avoid you, Evans! You're everywhere." He was shaking his head now with an exasperated look on his face. "You're in my classes. You're at early Sunday breakfasts. I walk out of my dorm room and you're there, chatting with your friends. You're even at my practice with my friend. I see you in every corridor I walk down. You—You're in my—" He stopped himself, his hands curling into fists at his hands. "Nevermind," he gritted through his teeth. He looked away from her and with one final breath, his anger seemingly dissolved.
"I'll see you around," he said quietly and turned away in the opposite direction of Gryffindor Tower.
She barely remembered making her way to her room after that, feeling numbed by the ache she now felt throughout her entire body.
She cried further into the bottle in her lap and Marlene joined her on the ground, silently, and only held her. Mary and Marlene both knew what Lily wouldn't say aloud because if she did, then the tears would never stop coming and the sobs would rack her body until she feared nothing would be left of her.
After some time, she wiped her tears with the back of her hand, taking a deep breath as her vision cleared.
"Whoever wrote those damned lists can stuff it, Lily. Don't give it another thought," Mary said, squeezing her arm reassuringly.
Lily smiled at her weakly.
Magic was her birthright, of course. It swam in her bloodstream and intertwined itself through her soul, danced on the edge of a wand that had chosen her. And she was bloody good with it, too. She would be damned if anyone tried to tell her otherwise — tried to take that away from her.
But tonight, Lily was too tired to fight. Something in her heart told her there would be plenty of it from here on out.
Tonight the world was falling apart around her, and she wanted to fall with it.
Sundays are for messes, she thought to herself as she took a swig of the firewhiskey in her hand and passed it around.
A/N: I promise there's more James and Lily to come. I will get there, I swear.
In the meantime, reviews are a big help even if it's to tell me how terrible this is.