A/N: I had a sudden urge to write though so I came here. I know it's been a while so... let's see where this goes. I do plan on finishing this.
Halfway through wherever she was being taken, Lily regained some sort of control over her body. With panic rattling through every bone in her body and a severe lack of judgment on her part, she knocked her head back hard into the person holding her.
This was Lily's first mistake of the night.
The arms around her tightened as the motion caught them off guard, sending the both of them flying clumsily through the hole in the wall.
They hit the ground roughly as the last sliver of light from the Trophy Room disappeared in front of them, a soft whooshing of something closing was drowned out by the sound of her body smacking into another. Lily groaned as a shooting pain erupted from her elbow, a tingling sensation already beginning to spread down to the ends of her fingertips. She was sure her arm was bleeding by the way they had skidded across the floor.
The back of her head was throbbing, but not nearly as much as it should have been. Lily was quick to realize the hand that had previously been used to cover her mouth was now the only thing between her head and the concrete. There was a grunt behind her, a pause, and then an angry whisper into her ear, "What the hell was that?"
She twisted her body around and faced the direction of his voice, "James!" she gasped. She would know that voice anywhere. "What... But-Where did you come from?"
Her mind raced with questions as she stumbled over her words in shock, but James continued to whisper furiously at her in the dark.
"You could have broken my nose!" The disbelief was heavy in his voice. "You clearly didn't think that through, Evans! I mean, how did you think that was going to work out?"
Lily didn't have time to feel embarrassed because was too busy trying to adjust to the lack of light to respond.
The air in the room was surprisingly cool and carried a faint musty smell but with James so close and his breath hot on her face, there was something sweet too, like cinnamon. There was a breeze coming from somewhere around them, circling the top of her head and sending goosebumps running down the parts of her legs that weren't entangled in his. With his arm still wrapped around her waist, she could feel the warmth radiating off his skin even through the fabric of her shirt. He was close, very close.
She thought she could almost make out the outline of his face, but maybe it was her memory desperately trying to compensate for all that she couldn't see. Lily could only imagine the way his jaw moved when he spoke to her and the lines that creased the smooth skin on his forehead.
He had stopped speaking angrily at her now and she understood it was her turn to speak, but all she could do was listen to her heart beating loudly in her ears against her will. Lily wondered briefly if James could also imagine the curve of her jaw in the dark, and if her skin was as warm as he was against her.
She shivered, not entirely sure if it was from the chill that had just run down her spine or from something else entirely.
Whatever the reason, it shook James from his quietness and he began to slide his arm from around her waist, attempting to untangle himself from her, and she would remember the warmth and the weight of it on her for the next several weeks but just as he was almost off her, his fingers grazed a part of her side that sent her hand flying up in a knee-jerk reaction. Her hand met something solid and with a smack accidentally hit him in the face, knocking what she assumed were his glasses right off.
"Bloody—," he cut off, hissing. "Why?" he asked, but it was more like he was cursing at her. His breath was gone from her face for a moment.
"Shhhhh," she tried to calm him. Lily realized they were uncomfortably too close to the room she had just been in. She tried to cover his mouth to keep him from cursing too loudly only to end up with her hand over his cheek, poking him in the eye as her fingers splayed across his face. Another curse from James and she felt laughter threatening to escape from her throat. "Shit! James, I'm so sorry! I'm ticklish!"
She knew she shouldn't be laughing. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation. Maybe it was because she felt like things were just kind of happening to her at this point like she was the main character of some angsty novel, but as she said the words, she felt so ridiculous she could no longer hold it in. She was beginning to unravel.
"You're laughing?" he asked her incredulously. Lily thought if she could see the expression on his face, she would have laughed even harder. "You-You hit me in the face! Twice in under a minute, no less! And you're laughing?"
They began to detangle their limbs, pushing against the floor onto their knees. She might have thought he was irritated at the number of times Lily had managed to injure him with ease, but as they got to their knees and reached for each other in the dark for balance, she could feel his body shaking. The ridiculousness of their situation becoming clear to him.
"I'm—I'm sorry, James" she gasped between the hysterical fit they were both having now. Lily's hand somehow landed on his shoulder where her hand pressed up against his neck, the heat of his skin once again sending a shock through her body. Her other hand falling gently atop his left leg. His hands found the top of Lily's head, slowly sliding down the sides over her hair like he was making sure she was still there. They stayed like this for what she knew was only seconds but felt like an eternity. Her hand on his neck. His hands framing her face. She wasn't sure if it was his returning warmth or the wheezing state they were in from their quiet laughter, but it made her head dizzy like they were using up all the oxygen in the room just to sit there, quietly laughing into the darkness together. As if they'd done it before. As if it was familiar.
Lily couldn't even recall the last time she had laughed with James and not at him.
His laughter was soft and it made Lily's laughter the same, something turning gentle between them then.
It was when she felt James lift one of his hands to meet the one she rested on his leg that something in Lily's brain short-circuited. His hand was heavy and calloused, but warm and gentle all the same. It fit over Lily's hand well (she hadn't decided at the moment if that was a bad thing or not). The laughter died in her throat, and the muscles in her body tensed. Even though they had somehow closed the distance between them once again, their heads and bodies leaning into each other, his hand on hers suddenly felt like the most intimate thing you could do in the dark with James Potter. And Lily couldn't handle the meaning behind the sudden flip in her stomach when his thumb had lightly brushed across her hand (at least, not just yet).
Instead of thinking about it further, she gulped down the nervous lump in her throat and let her hands drop from him, hastily getting herself up to move as far as she could get. It turned out there wasn't very far to go.
With her back against the cool wall, she heard him shuffle around, kicking her foot in the process.
"Lumos," he called quietly.
She waited.
A small ball of light lit up the pitch-black canvas Lily's eyes had become accustomed to. She blinked away the uncomfortable feeling between her brows as she regained her vision, her eyes following James as he straightened from retrieving his glass off the floor. He let his eyes focus for a second before running a hand through his hair. The white light reflected indigo blue on each of the curls that rested on his head. He patted some dirt off the leg of his pants, his mouth beginning to form into that semi-arrogant smile she knew well.
"You alright?" is all he said.
Lily imagined what she must have looked like right then. It was typical of Potter to come out of something like this, getting knocked in the head twice and laying on a dirt floor, looking put together and unbothered. While Lily stood there dumbly sporting a dusty, wrinkled skirt; a scraped and quickly purpling elbow; and now that she thought about it, the loss of feeling in at least two of her fingers.
"Good," she practically choked back.
She turned her attention to their surroundings. She could only see a mixture of stone and dirt at her feet, losing sight of the direction they had come from. Her vision began to darken and she realized that James had already started to disappear further into the darkness with the light.
He turned back to her and looked at her expectantly, "Well? Aren't you coming?"
"Wait, what is this?" She called out to him, forgetting herself.
James rushed back to her, holding a finger to his mouth. "Will you keep it down?" His eyes looked back at the wall to their right.
She whispered an apology, following his gaze, and now with his wand providing more light, she could make out the faint outline of a doorway.
The realization made her eyes go wide. "The portrait! It's a door?"
He looked as though he was thinking something over but ultimately decided to nod. "An abandoned passage," he responded, almost nonchalantly, like it was nothing new to him. "My guess is it was part of some of the original plans for Hogwarts but was never finished."
"Original plans?" Lily gave him a confused tilt of her head, but he just looked her up and down like he was looking at her for the first time since he'd taken out his wand. She stood a little straighter under his gaze, remembering the way his eyes had watched her only a few hours earlier.
He cleared his throat and put his other hand in his pocket, "This way," he announced, before moving past her again, without acknowledging her question.
With no wand to offer more light, she had to rely solely on James to lead them. She resisted the urge to grab hold of his arm, instead lightly trailing the wall next to her with her fingertips as the only solid thing in the tunnel she dared to touch. The ceiling was high, but the walls were only separated by a few feet, no wider than if Lily stood with her arms outstretched at her sides. James seemed to know the tunnel well somehow, confidently pushing them further into the darkness.
Lily's mind raced with too many unanswered questions and the reality of what she might have witnessed just before James had somehow found her.
"I don't understand, James," she said, trying to gather her thoughts. "How are you here?"
"I was... passing by," he said innocently. He kept his back to her, but he spoke more comfortably now that they had made a safe distance from the portrait hole.
"You were passing by?" she repeats dumbly. Was he trying to be funny?
He only shrugged and Lily thought maybe it worked in his favor that he didn't have to meet her eyes. He was dancing around questions he already knew she had.
"Oh? You just so happened to be on your way to the Trophy Room using this not at all terrifyingly dark tunnel instead of, I don't know, the corridor?"
James chuckled, "Something like that, yeah."
"That doesn't make any sense, James" she pressed, trying to keep her bubbling annoyance with him in check. "How did you know I was there? Or that I needed to get out?"
"Get out?" He quoted her, offering her a brief amused look over his shoulder. He was making fun of her.
But what she saw in there had felt like more than a fight between two friends. She knew it sounded dramatic, but that's because it was. She knew there was a reason her body reacted the way it did and Lily knew not to diminish that. There was something dark at play and she feared they'd soon find out just what. She shook the uneasiness the thought gave her, "Well, you didn't help the situation. I thought I was being abducted!"
"Abducted?" She could almost see the stupid smirk on his face. "That's an exaggeration, don't you think?"
"No, that's kidnapping."
He sighed, feigning disappointment. "How you managed to get yourself into trouble during detention I'll never know, Evans."
She scowled, suddenly feeling very defensive. "I didn't get myself into trouble! The trouble... It found me this time. It's different!"
"It's okay," he looked over his shoulder again to wag his brows playfully at her. "I like trouble," he said and winked before turning back to the path in front of him.
She ignored him. "Yes, I imagine you would when you're the one causing it."
"I think you cause your fair share of trouble, Evans," he mused.
She opened her mouth to respond, but he continued.
"A simple 'thank you' would suffice."
Lily knew he most likely hasn't meant it the way she heard it, but once again she was reliving the disaster the night before had been, a memory he didn't seem to be obsessing over the way she had been ever since it happened. The words triggered the memory of their last conversation. Am I supposed to thank you for that? Her voice echoed in the back of her mind, making her cringe with guilt. She remembered the angry way James had stumbled over his words, how his eyes, which had looked over her with genuine concern, turned into something cold and hard with indifference. I care about what happens to you, he had said to her. But after last night, she would have found it hard to believe the statement would be true now.
Yet... there he was. Again.
Lily couldn't understand it. It was as if he had spent all day staying well out of her way and now he was there, speaking to her as if nothing had happened between them. While James could have easily found out from any one of her friends where she would be tonight, and if he by some miracle wanted to find her even though he was supposed to be mad at her, why hadn't he just walked in through the gate? How had James known she wasn't alone from inside the tunnel? He knew to grab her and get out, but could that mean he somehow knew who had been in the room with her and what they were planning?
James didn't seem bothered by the lack of response. If he noticed the suddenness of her silence, he didn't comment on it.
Maybe his words had been more pointed than she thought.
She was trying to make sense of it all — the broken bits of conversation she overheard, the familiarity of the boy's voice back in the Trophy Room, their fight only twenty-four hours ago, how the hell she had ended up following him blindly through an abandoned passage when she was supposed to be cleaning medals — when she crashed hard into James, not realizing that he had come to a stop in front of her.
The collision caught him off guard and knocked him off balance for a moment, his arms stretching out against the walls and his body pressing back against her to stop her from going any further. He turned around to glare at her. "What's the matter with you?"
"Sorry, James!" She said, using his name as an insult. She put her hands on her hips and pretended like she hadn't one-hundred percent zoned out. "I can't exactly see where we're going!"
He shook his head disapprovingly like he already knew Lily well enough to know she just hadn't been paying attention, but he didn't argue and turned back to the path before them. Well, rather, the lack of path. Lily peered around him, her eyes going wide at the gaping hole in the ground.
The breeze that had been following them throughout their journey in the dark was coming from wherever the pit led to. A destination she forced herself not to think about. "Please tell me you came another way," she groaned, knowing she was kidding herself.
James laughed, lifting his shoulder in a half shrug. "The only way is forward!"
He didn't wait for a response before he took several steps back and jumped across the pit. James landed gracefully just at the edge of the other side, sending rubble falling somewhere far below them. The sound echoed further and further into the pit. She inched closer and peered down into it.
Logic told her that she could land the jump just as easily as James, regardless of their height difference. Though she had never been afraid of heights, the potential of falling into a giant pit of darkness and the understanding that she wouldn't come back from such a fall, made Lily suddenly very nervous to jump.
Sensing her hesitation, James broke her from her grim thoughts with a silvery laugh. "C'mon, Evans! You're thinking about it too much!"
She backed up further from the edge and took in a deep breath. With James on the other side, the edge of the floor before her was less visible now, but she couldn't just stand there scared while Potter practically made fun of her. She ran toward the edge and lept off the ground.
As soon as her body was mid-air, Lily knew she had bolted off the ground too soon. Coming down on the landing, her foot hit the edge of the other side just at the opening causing her foot to slip right off the stone. She yelped as she felt herself begin to straight into the pit, only for James to wrap his outstretched hands over her arms, pulling her hard into him before she could go any further down. Her legs kicked the air until she could feel the floor beneath her feet once more and held onto James until she was well away from the edge.
She glanced behind her and then up at him, her chest rapidly rising and falling from the panic.
As relaxed as he seemed before, James had been ready to catch her and she only felt relief as she clung to him.
"Thanks," Lily said through a nervous laugh, trying to calm her breathing.
He only gave her a nod in response, his expression hard to read, and then relaxed his grip on her. Lily awkwardly unlocked the death grip she had on him in return. He motioned with his head for her to follow, grinning at her like she hadn't just almost fallen to her death. "We're almost there now."
James led them to an oddly placed staircase and turned to her, "Be careful here," he pointed with his wand. "Step where I step."
She paid close attention to each step he took as they climbed a set of winding stairs, leading them into more darkness. The steps were old and not at all well built, some of them crumbling at the edges, some missing altogether. The air was thicker in this part of the passage, but they didn't endure it for long. Before she knew it, they had made it to the end of the tunnel. James slowly pushed at the wall, swinging it open like a door, and poked his head out. Satisfied that no one was around, he motioned her forward and they finally stepped into the light.
This part of the castle was almost as silent as the tunnel since she reckoned most students would have been in their dorms by now.
A glimpse of the night sky caught Lily's attention, a balcony just to their right that overlooked a sea of trees painted black in the distance. She whirled around with wide eyes, "Is this...?"
"The fourth floor? Yeah." He smiled, seemingly smug at the plain wonderment in her eyes.
She ran over to the balcony and leaned over the edge of the rail, relishing the night air that filled her lungs, hungrily breathing it in. She closed her eyes for a moment, holding her face up to the moon like she hadn't been outside in days. "Why does it feel like we walked for miles?"
He followed her, leaning his back against the railing and crossing his arms. "Everything's always worse in the dark," he said, confidently.
She hummed in response, lips curling into a half-smile, trying not to laugh at him. "How wise," she teased.
He rolled his eyes with a grin like he was aware of how cheesy he had just sounded, but then his eyes fell on the railing where she rested her weight, brows furrowing in concern. He motioned toward her elbow, dried blood staining the back of her arm and on her clothes. "You should probably get that looked at."
"Oh," she cringed. The pain had been basically nonexistent until he mentioned it. "Yeah, I should probably pay Pomfrey a visit."
She pushed off the balcony and bit her lip anxiously, the atmosphere quickly turning awkward between them. She tried to think of something to say.
It didn't seem right to shake hands and say their goodbyes. He still owed her a lot of answers and she... well, she still owed him a huge apology. For all the overanalyzing she had done that day, she hadn't actually thought of what she would say when she finally caught him alone. And somehow it seemed like there was more to say now, more to apologize for.
For the first time, James wasn't cheeky or relaxed. His cool, perfectly collected manner seemed lost as he stared at the space between them instead of meeting her eyes. He put his hands in his pockets, something she now realized he did when he was nervous, and rocked back and forth slightly on his feet. James Potter was being very visibly uncool in front of her, and something about it made her especially squirmy.
"Listen, about yesterday—" Lily began.
"What I said las—" he tried to explain at the same time.
"Oh, you go—"
"Sorry, go ahead—" they both protested.
James scratched the back of his head, looking half embarrassed and half-amused.
She took a deep breath and held up a hand to stop him from interrupting her. "You don't have to explain yourself, James." And for some reason, his head snaps up at the sound of his name, that same curious expression appearing on his face that she couldn't explain. It dawned on her how casually she had used his name over and over again only moments before, wondering when her brain had suddenly gone from addressing him as Potter to James now. No longer under the cover of darkness, his name felt different rolling off her tongue, like she was letting go of a secret.
"I shouldn't have shouted at you the way I did. I know you were just trying to help yesterday." She paused. "I've been..." she trails off, trying to find the right words that wouldn't make her sound so pitiful. "I've been struggling — trying to sort myself out and I fucked up and let my emotions get the better of me. I ended up blowing up at the wrong person." She sighed, "You. And I'm sorry. I'm... you didn't deserve that." She wanted to bang her head against the wall, wishing she couldn't hear the words of the world's worst apology coming out of her mouth. There was so much more she wanted to say.
I'm so sad and angry all the time that I don't know how to differentiate between the two anymore. I'm pretending everything is okay, so the minute it wasn't you got caught in the crossfire. I'm so tired of fighting with you. I wish things were different.
And quietly in the back of her mind, you wrote me a letter and things aren't at all like how I thought they would be when I finally saw you again.
She shook her head, beginning to feel unsteady even with both her feet planted firmly on the ground. She must have been really worn out by now.
Somewhere between "I fucked up" and "I'm sorry" the line across James' face curves into something resembling a genuine smile. A small and brief one, but a smile nonetheless.
"I just wanted you to know that I wasn't," he said.
She tilted her head in confusion. "You weren't...?"
"Uh... avoiding... you." He said nervously. "At least, not really."
She had almost forgotten that. She nodded, looking down at her shoes. Not really. It wasn't very reassuring, but it was something. She didn't ask him to elaborate, feeling like her pride couldn't take any more hits tonight.
"It's okay, I've been a bit off lately. I'd avoid me too," she said, trying to make a half-hearted joke to lighten to mood.
He stepped closer to her as if he could sense the way she was wavering. Lily's hand gripped the railing of the balcony in a moment of anticipation. His hand twitched like we wanted to reach for her, but his hand stayed put.
"I think you've been doing you're best," he said quietly.
And when they finally met each other's eyes, Lily was taken aback at just how confidently he gazed on her now, like he was locking her eyes on him. His eyes were the softest shade of brown, laced with golden specks that reminded her of the sunlight peeking through the blinds in her old room. Suddenly, looking into those eyes felt like the warm embrace of her childhood home. Somewhere to rest. Somewhere to breathe.
And even as the night air danced across her bare arms and sent goosebumps running up her freckled skin, Lily didn't feel cold because everything about James Potter seemed to be warm that night.
"Anyway, I shouldn't have gotten wound up the way I did," he added, crossing his arms across his chest and looking much more like the version of himself she was used to.
Lily laughed a little, "I think we're both pretty good a winding each other up."
The tension between them lessened and she was grateful for it.
She clapped her hands together and gave him an expectant look. "So, are you going to tell me the real reason you were in the right place at the right time tonight?"
James sighed. He had expected that she would bring it up again, but he looked like the answer was going to take too much of his energy. "I know it's hard for you, but can you trust that I'll tell you when the time is right?"
He clasped his hands in front of his face like he was praying to her now and Lily realized that he had started to look like the way Lily had felt all day, exhausted.
She studied him for a moment, contemplating just how much she owed it to him to drop it for now. James knew she wasn't an idiot. He knew more than he was letting on, she was sure of it. But exhaustion also begged her to put it to rest. For now, she thought.
Lily nodded in agreement and he relaxed his shoulders. "I was a git to you yesterday, so we can call it even."
He pursed his lips in an amusing way and raised an eyebrow like he wanted to agree with her, but didn't want to say he agreed. "How about you tell me what went down in that room instead?"
Now it was her turn to raise an eyebrow at him. "Oh, so you can ask questions but I can't?"
Nevertheless, she recounted everything she had seen and heard in the room. The aggressive nature between the two students. The small vial. The way they broke from conversation the minute they thought someone was eavesdropping. Nothing about it sat right with Lily.
"I don't know, I just have a terrible feeling it has something to do with the lists that keep appearing at our school."
James nodded in agreement and Lily could almost see the gears in his brain moving, like he was trying to solve a puzzle without the pieces. "We'll figure it out, I'm sure."
"We?" she questioned him with a suspicious look.
He gave her a cheeky smile and bent himself over slightly to meet her line of sight. "Well, no offense, Evans, but you aren't that talented a spy."
She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in defense. "Well, not when I haven't had time to prepare, I'm not!"
"Ah, I'm sure you'll do much better after studying the ancient art of spying!"
She huffed, but they were laughing with each other. Again. She shuffled her feet a bit before hesitantly peering up at him. "So... friends?"
He took a moment to ponder the word like he was trying to figure out what friends would look like to them. After a brief pause, he held his hand out to her. "I'd start with friendly acquaintances."
She laughed at him, taking his offered hand in hers, and shook it as if they had just made a business deal. "Well, I guess that'll have to do for now then."
"C'mon, Evans, I'll walk you to the hospital wing." And with that, they fell into step with each other only this time, side by side.
"Not sick of me yet, Potter?"
"God, yes, but we can't have you getting into any more trouble tonight, can we?"
"How heroic of you," she mocked him.
"Wise and heroic? I don't think you've ever paid me so many compliments," he feigned shock.
She scoffed at him. "What am I your mother?"
Lily couldn't pretend. It felt incredibly unnatural to be walked to the hospital wing by, who the students at Hogwarts had come to know as, the boy she loathed the most. It was mad, but something knowing she could call him a friend felt peaceful. For the first time in a long time, the ground steadied beneath her, if only for a moment.
Lily's second mistake of the night? Ever becoming friends with James Potter.