You crossed a field of grass that over the course of the last several months became more familiar to you than your own home. You found the plot where you often sat and nestled yourself on the well-worn patch you liked the most. Honestly, you probably came here more than you should because you couldn't help but find yourself there with every high and low of your life. Old habits die hard, so you'd realized. As you approached the well-decorated headstone, currently surrounded by violets, you ran your hand along the top before moving to sit cross-legged squarely in front of the name printed in large lettering.
You rubbed the ground, pulling the grass through your fingers as if it was soft, dark hair.
"Hi, Emily."
The first few moments were always the hardest. As the silence spread around you like a sheet of snow, you twisted the ring on your left hand to soothe yourself.
"I'm sorry I haven't been to visit you in a while, I have been quite busy getting ready for our trip. Well, I suppose I should say my trip."
It was true, for the last week or so you had been bustling around your house, frantically cleaning and packing and squaring away lesson plans for the professor who was going to cover your class while you were gone.
"I have been thinking a lot lately about that day we met, one of the best days of my life."
Washington DC was brand new to you, having just abandoned the place that should have fulfilled all of your dreams. But the city that never sleeps was not devoid of its nightmares and you knew that you needed to start fresh. You had accepted a position at Georgetown as a tenure-track professor of psychology after the last straw finally broke your back and you had fled the city you had called home for ten years.
Georgetown was more than impressed by the ten years you spent studying and then teaching at Columbia University. Some of your research had been groundbreaking and Georgetown all but begged you to accept the position when you applied. You settled in nicely at the new-to-you university, enjoying the few classes you had been tasked with leading. The head of the psychology department asked you if you would give a lecture on conformity and obedience towards the end of the semester for the public to attend and you happily obliged; it gave you endless joy to present social psychology to the masses.
As the chilly November afternoon rolled around, you had prepared a 90-minute talk, specifically focused on how criminals are able to completely warp the minds of large groups of people to make them do their bidding, especially in hate groups. Unbeknownst to you, a raven-haired beauty sat in the back of the auditorium, furiously scribbling notes on a legal pad. She was trying to garner as much information on human behavior as possible in hopes of being assigned to the Behavioral Analysis Unit.
After the talk, you were absolutely exhausted but still had hours of grading ahead of you. You mozied over to the coffee shop across the street from the auditorium to grab an iced coffee to help get you through the evening. As you stood waiting for your drink, a woman came and stood next to you.
"I saw your talk earlier and I really enjoyed it. You have quite the stage presence."
You were immediately drawn to the way this woman seemed so in command, just walking up to you and saying what is on her mind without hesitation. A red tint grew on your cheeks and you turned to face her. She was more than a couple inches taller than you, her posture commanding and alert. Her dark hair fell around her shoulders in loose curls and her brown eyes were absolutely captivating.
"Oh, well thank you!"
The woman stuck her hand out, "Emily."
You responded in kind, feeling a warmth tingle up your arm as your hands clasped together. Her grip was strong and you noticed that she held on for just a little longer than would be socially acceptable, almost as if she had been distracted by looking at you and forgot what she was doing.
You both received your coffees at the same time and she asked if you would like to sit with her so she could pick your brain for a little while. You knew you had a pile of papers to grade back at your apartment but you were so intrigued by Emily that you decided you could spare a few minutes to talk and enjoy your coffee before returning to work.
For the first five or so minutes she asked you questions pertaining to human behavior but after that, you seemed to drift away from the topic.
"I'm actually trying to get a spot in the Behavioral Analysis Unit at the FBI right now, that's why I decided to come listen to your talk."
"Oh, that is so fascinating. I hope you get the spot! How long have you worked for the FBI?"
Emily chewed on her lip for a second and you noticed for the first time that she had two perfectly placed dimples in her cheeks. "Not a super long time, but I have been in law enforcement for some time since I finished grad school. And that was more years ago than I would care to admit."
She chuckled a little and you couldn't help but smile back at her, she certainly was charming.
Before you knew it, nearly an hour had gone by and it was only her phone ringing that brought you back to Earth from cloud nine. She quickly answered and finished the call, standing up and collecting her things.
"It looks like we have spent a much longer time here than I thought." You looked at your watch and your eyes went wide. "I have to run and do some paperwork at the office, I think my transfer is going to go through."
You smiled, already invested in this strange woman's career endeavors. "Well, congratulations Emily! I am sure you will do a great job, you seem to really be working hard to get there."
Now it was Emily's turn to blush and the sight made warmth spread across your chest. She chewed on her lip again before speaking.
"What do you think about doing this again sometime? I would love to take you out to my favorite little hole in the wall."
You tensed a little bit, unsure about what to do. You had come to DC intending to start over, of reinventing yourself after your last tragic attempt at romance with a woman whose only interest in you was how poorly she could treat you and get away with it.
"I… God, you're so wonderful, Emily, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea."
Emily must have noticed something in your words or the way you were holding yourself because for the first time in the conversation she pressed forward instead of falling back when you got uncomfortable.
"Take a chance on me, Y/N. I promise you won't regret it."
You couldn't help but laugh at the taller woman, her charming pout seemed out of place on her intimidating stature but also seemed oh so perfect with the curve of her lips and the twinkle in her big eyes. You rolled the idea around in your head and thought about how you just spent an hour with this woman and it felt like ten minutes. It seemed like a sign that perhaps this woman wasn't supposed to be transient, that she would have more purpose in your life.
"Okay." You tried to suppress a grin, but when a megawatt smile broke out on Emily's face, you couldn't help but match it. She reached into her bag and pulled out a pad of paper, scribbling an address on it.
"Why don't you meet me here tomorrow at 7:30? I know it's pretty soon but with my new transfer I am not sure when I will be available to take a pretty lady one a date."
Your chest constricted and you felt the warmth from your initial handshake run through your veins.
"I will see you there, Emily."
She winked at you before quickly turning on her heels and walking out of the coffee shop. If only you knew what you had gotten yourself into.
"Boy oh boy did you come through, my love." You reached out and traced your fingers along Emily's headstone. Fidelity. Bravery. Integrity. Your finger seemed to catch on the word bravery and you could feel a lump stick in your throat.
"I wasn't sure that I would ever learn how to love again," you continued. "God, I came to DC broken in so many pieces that I never thought I would even want to love again, not after everything that happened in New York. But just one smile from you and I was already putty in your hands. From that first handshake in the coffee shop, there was nothing I wouldn't do for you, Emily. There still is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I just wish you were still here to see it."
A single tear fell down your cheek and you didn't bother to wipe it away.
"I have never felt as loved as I did by you, Em. There is not one person who could chase away my demons as well as you, as willingly and wonderfully as you did every single time I needed you. States away or with me in your arms, there was never a time when you didn't make sure that I knew that I was the most important person in your life, that my happiness was more important than anything else.
"It almost didn't even seem fair, it didn't seem fair for someone to ever love someone so wholly and completely. I thought that I would lose myself in your depths, that we would forget who we were with the intensity of our love. But we never did. You pushed me to be the best version of myself and you never once stopped being the Emily Prentiss with stars in her eyes and ready to save the world I love."
Your hands moved to twirl the grass below the headstone, thinking back to when this used to be just a mound of dirt, a remnant of the disruption of life as the result of placing your wife in the ground. But as with all things, life began anew as time wore on.
"It's such a strange thing, finding your person. It's like winning the lottery every single day, even on the days that you are so angry with each other that you can barely breathe because you know at the end of the day, no matter what, before you climb into bed you will still be able to remind each other of your love and you never doubt for one second that you will pull yourselves to the other side, stronger than before."
A gentle breeze pushed your hair into your face and you shakily pulled it behind your ear. As your hand brushed your cheek, you swore you could feel Emily's hand there, passing a thumb gently over the wetness.
"I had never experienced anything like this before, being so entirely infatuated with someone that you never want to be without them. Of never getting sick of hearing their voice or the sound of their laugh or the way that their arms felt as they wrapped you into a hug. I thought I had won, that finally after all of these years of pain and abuse and being lost that I had found my home.
"But somehow, even with how perfectly matched we were, I still lost. I somehow always do. And God does that make me angry. Even after all of the years we spent together, all of the years you spent showing me that I am worthy of love, that I am worthy of a lifetime of happiness and security to the point that I believed it myself, it still didn't happen. I'm so angry that I once again have found myself here."
You took a calming breath before you continued.
"But unlike all of the times before, all of the times where love and happiness were right under my nose before being ripped away, I feel better for having known you. There is not a single memory of you that I carry with me that makes me feel small. There is not a single instance in which you didn't make me feel safe, warm, and secure. I love you so incredibly much, Emily."
A family walked down a path close to where you were sitting and you watched as they held hands and wrapped each other in tender embraces, leaning on each other. Family is such a beautiful thing when you find it, there is something so special about finding the people who want nothing more than to love you, to help you, to heal you.
"Thank you so much, Em, for finding me that chilly day in November. Thank you for holding my pieces while I made the glue to put it all back together myself. Your handprints will forever be there, holding me together, even if I can't feel them anymore. After the years and years of hurt I went through, hell, we both went through, it was like we were finally being rewarded. That we were finally given our reprieve."
A cloud moved to cover the sun, casting a shadow over the cemetery and the people in it.
"I know it isn't your fault, honey. But god damn it, Emily. It's not fair that you have finally shown me what it means to live, what it means to be loved, and you've already left me. God, Emily, fuck you for that, fuck you for making me think that this life might be fair."
You chuckled to yourself, knowing that Emily would have a witty retort. She'd probably tell you to go fuck yourself before wrapping you in a hug and kissing you soundly on the lips– that was her favorite way to end arguments. She'd probably remind you of the vows she read on your wedding day, a promise to love you until her dying breath, a promise to love you so well that you never forgot.
"Oh, my love, do you know how beautiful you looked that day?"
She insisted on being the first one down the aisle. Emily was even more stubborn than you were– something you didn't think possible– and you knew this wasn't a battle you needed to choose. As you thought about it later, it was almost poetic, a parallel to how you came to DC and into her arms as she beckoned you and awaited your arrival into her heart.
You both had decided that you would do a first look before the wedding, to have that sacred moment of seeing each other for the first time be private and intimate. Emily had been brought out first, standing with her back to where you would enter. As you approached, you fussed with your dress until your best friend grabbed your hands and looked you in the eyes.
"Y/N. Stop fussing. She's going to love it."
As you entered the room, you could only see the back of her. Her dark hair was carefully pulled back into a low bun, not a single hair out of place. She was wearing a jumpsuit that looked almost like a pantsuit but was tight to her figure, and heels that were lower than you expected. As you approached, you could feel the waves in your hair brush against your shoulders and it made you shudder.
You could tell the moment Emily realized that you had entered the room. She stood up a little straighter and her hands began to fidget at her sides. As you approached her, you stretched out your arm and gently grazed your fingers along her spine.
"Hi, Emily."
She quickly turned and when she saw you, her jaw hit the floor and you could see her pupils dilate. You took note of how beautiful she was. Her perfectly combed hair was accented by her bangs being collected to slightly one side, framing her dark eyebrows and the smokey makeup around her eyes. She was wearing a deep red lipstick– the same one adorned on your lips that you both purposefully picked for the evening– and her dimples were on full display as she slowly began to smile the smile that made you melt.
"Hi, Y/N."
You were the first to move, bringing your hands up to smooth over the sleeves of her outfit and trailing a finger from her collarbone to her breastbone, over the lace inlay, and to where the neckline connected in a V at her waist with a belt. Her arms first found your hips and pulled you close before bringing a hand to cup your cheek.
"You look stunning, Emily."
She gave you a shy smile, something only you were ever privileged to see. Emily felt safe with you and she pulled down all of her walls to expose the soft woman who sometimes liked to be the one who is held, who liked to snuggle in the mornings and be the little spoon. (Though you weren't sure you could call it that because she always insisted on tucking her cold nose into your neck as she curled into your embrace.)
"Darling, you look absolutely radiant. I cannot believe I get to marry you today."
You pulled her close, wrapping your arms around her neck, pressing the side of your head against hers, your shoes giving you enough lift to do so. She wrapped her arms around your waist and pulled you in close, breathing in your scent. You stood like that for a long time, reveling in the silence as a photographer's camera clicked around you.
When you walked down the aisle to your bride, you knew that she had made the right decision in going first. There she stood, radiant in the light of the afternoon, her umber eyes awaiting you at the altar. She stood with a pressed smile, the same one she got when she knew something that you didn't, and one hand imperceptibly extended, palm up, waiting for you to grab.
As you took her hand at the end of the aisle, her smirk grew to the smile you knew was only reserved for you. She reached out and smoothed a flyaway hair on your head, mouthing the words "I love you" before turning to face the officiant.
The ceremony wasn't super long, neither of you wanting the pomp and circumstance. When it was her turn to read her vows, tears sprung in your eyes, threatening to fall on your pristine makeup.
"Y/N, my love. There has been no greater honor in my life than to love and be loved by you. I see the worst of the worst every single day and coming home to you is a breath of fresh air; you're a light that can illuminate even the darkest of nights. Today, I promise to you that I will love you until I am no longer here to do so. I promise to make sure that you never again feel unloved, unworthy, or unsupported. It will be an honor to stand by your side for the rest of our lives."
"I thought for sure Spencer was going to explode with the sheer amount of cake he ate," you continued with mirth. "Thank god Derek got him out on the dance floor with Penelope. I've never seen that boy have as much fun as that night."
You laughed a little to yourself, remembering how he didn't know the chicken dance and Jack made it his personal mission to make sure Spencer learned. You and Emily had rarely left the dance floor that night, abandoning your shoes early on in favor of two pairs of the ugliest crocs you had ever seen. (Emily had lost a bet with Garcia).
As the night came to an end, Emily took you in her arms and twirled you around the empty room to the song you danced to for the very first time.
"You always had the greatest plans, darling. I would have never thought to have a final dance after everyone left, to have a quiet moment together at the end of the night. I can still remember the feel of your lips as they brushed against my ear, you singing the words softly in my ear. You never believed me when I said you had a beautiful voice but there is no one in the world I would rather sing with than you."
You could feel the tears welling up faster now, spilling more violently onto your cheeks. Your chest started to heave as you thought about all of the things that Emily would miss, all of the things you never got to do, all the words that were left unspoken. As you sat in the grass, you remembered that night nearly a year ago with such detail, praying to the gods that you would never forget a single moment.
The pain in your chest had been a constant for the last 7 months and had been worse than anything you could have ever imagined that chilly November day. You had never opened yourself so completely to another person before, always choosing to play it close to the vest and not let anyone close enough to hurt you like this. It was always a point of contention with those in your life but you knew that it was the only way to keep yourself safe. With Emily, though, it had been different.
With a sniffle and a careless wipe of your face, you sat up a little straighter before you continued talking to your wife, leaning back on one of your hands placed just to the side of your body.
"I had told myself that I would never love again because it wasn't worth the heartbreak. But good god loving you is the only thing that I will never regret. If I could go back and do it all again knowing that you would leave me so soon, I would do it without thinking twice. I could have never imagined a pain worse than anything I have ever felt but all the same, even so, I would love you all over again."
You sat for a moment, catching a couple of rays on your cheeks before they were covered again by the grey clouds.
"But, Em, I have found myself at an impasse. I know that grief takes time and I can't expect myself to bounce back to who I was before so quickly, if at all, but I don't even know where to start. Throughout my life I have always just run from the pain, burning all of my bridges in my haste. I left my hometown for a city halfway across the country and barely looked back after my childhood. I fled my city and came here after finally releasing myself from my ex's talons and I severed all of my ties to the place without a second thought. I can't do that again, I won't.
"I'm completely lost but I can't just close the chapter on this, on us, on you. I've healed my wounds that bled all over the map as I flitted from place to place, finally digging my roots into the ground with you and our family. I can't just pick everything up and start anew, forgetting everyone here that I know and love, everything that ties me to you."
A stray twist of hair pulled between your fingers as you self-soothed with your hands on your scalp.
"I can't do this without you, Emily. I don't know how to live without you." A sob wracked your body, your heart desperately pulling at your chest, threatening to fall out of your chest completely. Your cries quieted but you still leaned forward, resting your head on the stone, letting it cool your forehead as you cried.
They hadn't let you see Emily's body, claiming that there was too much damage. The team had seen her, had ridden with her to the hospital. By the time you got the call and made it to the hospital, she was gone. Spencer was the first to hug you, he had become a brother of sorts and you loved him so dearly. Everyone else took their turns hugging you, even Hotch.
The BAU was the reason that you could get through those first few weeks without Emily. They all had been grieving, too, but every single day, even when off on a case, one of them would either show up at your door with a home-cooked meal or would call you before bed to talk to you, just as Emily always had done. It was these things that allowed you to fall apart because you knew that your family was there, they wouldn't let you drown.
After Emily's death, you only took a week off. Your students were counting on you but they all could tell that you were off your game. Teaching was one of the few things that could bring you joy and grading assignments was one of the only things that could allow your mind to rest from thoughts of her.
It had only been a couple of months since you said goodbye to your wife when Rossi invited you over for a family dinner. You dressed in Emily's favorite outfit of yours, clasping the necklace she got for you last Christmas gently to lay between your collarbones. When you knocked on the door, you were more nervous than you had ever been arriving there, even when you met them all for the first time.
Rossi answered the door with a sad smile and greeted you with a big hug.
"We've missed you, kiddo. We are so glad you're here."
Inside the entire time was gathered around the table, talking and laughter filling the space. You couldn't help but notice that the chair Emily always sat in was pulled away from the table, tucked in a far corner of the room behind a plant. As you took your seat, you noticed that all of the kids had been invited to dinner, as well.
Jack was the first to notice your arrival and sprung out of his seat to greet you, thumping into your legs with a hug. You knelt down to wrap him in a better hug when you saw Henry also walk up to you.
"Where Aunt Emmy?"
You felt your breath catch in your throat and you let go of Jack. Little Henry looked sad, almost as if he were about to cry. Emily had always been his favorite. Behind you at the table, all of the adults seemed to tense and JJ stood to come collect her child before you started to speak.
"Come here, Henry." You beckoned the small boy closer and placed your hands on his arms, looking him in the eye.
"Do you know what heaven is, Henry?" The little boy nodded his head and pointed to the sky.
You let out a deep breath before continuing, "Yes, Henry. Aunt Emmy is in heaven now."
Henry's face started to flush red and his bottom lip stuck out just a tiny bit. "Emmy come back?"
You smoothed your hand over his head, "No, sweet boy, she can't come back from heaven. When people go to heaven they get to stay there forever because they were so good here on Earth."
"Miss Emmy."
A fat tear rolled down Henry's face as if he was trying not to cry. You pulled him in for a hug and said, "I miss her, too." As you pulled back away, you wiped his face once more.
"But Aunt Emmy will always be with us in our hearts," you continued as you used a finger to gently poke at the small boy's chest. "Because we remember her and tell her stories, Aunt Emmy's love will always be here."
The small boy nodded and Jack patted him on the back, "It's just like when my mommy died and went to heaven. But I know Aunt Y/N/N will be able to tell us so many good stories because she loved Aunt Emmy like my dad loved my mom and he tells the best stories."
Henry looked up at you with wide eyes, "Story?"
You choked back a couple of tears before moving to stand with the boy in your arms, bringing him to sit at the table with you. As he sat in your lap and Jack at your side, you began telling the group (who all were verklempt from watching you interact with the boys) the story of how you learned that Emily used to be goth.
It had started with a bout of anxious spring cleaning and stumbling upon an unpacked box when you first moved in together. Inside you had found a handful of photos of Emily with some old jewelry and a notebook titled "Fuck Off Mom". You left out that detail for the little ears but all the adults had understood what your censored version meant. Later that evening when you asked Emily about it, her ears turned bright red as she first tried to deny it before caving and telling the story of her rebellious years in Europe and her stark hatred for anything considered "normal" after trying and failing for years to fit in with the schoolchildren she met at her mom's various postings. The story ended with a recounting of a particularly intense tickle fight, emphasizing with dancing your fingers along a giggly little boy's sides.
As dinner wrapped up, JJ stopped you in the kitchen. "I'm sorry for the way Henry bombarded you, he isn't taking this very well."
You smiled a sad smile and grabbed her hand, "That's okay. That was the first time I have laughed in months. Emily was a force of nature and when the kids ask about her, oh lordy the stories I will tell. She loved them so fiercely and I don't want them to ever forget."
JJ smiled back, squeezing your hand before dropping it and walking towards said screaming toddler.
"Your BAU family has really shown out for me, Emily. They're the only family I have really ever known and I am so incredibly thankful that you brought them to me."
You wiped at your eyes, a tight, watery smile gracing your face at the thought of the team.
"They're the ones who convinced me to still go to Paris. JJ and Hotch were a little hesitant but Garcia all but insisted that I still take the trip and that convinced the others, too. I'm still not convinced that I will be able to enjoy myself without wishing you were there to wake up next to me, but I know that you would want me to go and see all the places you grew up."
Light was filtering in gently through the sheer curtains in your bedroom. Emily was on her side, hand propping her head up as she watched you breathe. The sheet had wrapped itself around your waist, exposing your bare back rising up and down as you slept. She reached out with one finger to softly trace lines on your spine. You slowly stirred at her touch, burrowing your head into the pillows before turning your head to look at your fiance. Emily reached out to push some of your messy hair from your face.
"Good morning, sunshine."
You groaned and put your forehead on her chest. "Emmy, go back to bed."
You couldn't see it when Emily scrunched her face at the nickname, not particularly fond of that one. She knew you only used it when you were tired or sick, so she let it slide and pressed a kiss to your forehead. Her fingers trailed down your side, pressing just enough to make you squirm and start to giggle.
"No, no tickling!" You panted between laughs, screwing your eyes shut. "This isn't fair."
You rolled onto your back, your chest on full display as you tried to escape. You could hear Emily's sharp inhale before you opened your eyes again.
"See something you like, sweet cheeks?"
Emily licked her lips before she smiled, "Mmm, yes, something I like very much."
She leaned down and pressed a kiss to your sternum before kissing up your neck, across your jaw, and finally giving you a sweet kiss on your lips. As she pulled back, her lips were pressed together and you could see the little divots in her cheeks that you loved so much.
"You have the most precious dimples, Emily."
Emily blushed as she pulled a hand to her cheek. You sat up a little, pulling her hand back down and intertwining your fingers together.
"You're beautiful, my love. Don't hide from me." You started peppering her whole face with kisses, not stopping until she started to laugh and push on your chest. It wasn't often that the strong and infallible Emily Prentiss was anything short of self-assured, so you always took it upon yourself to shower her with love and affection when moments like this occurred.
"I'm serious, Emily, you're absolutely gorgeous. I don't know what I did to deserve you." With a well-timed push to her shoulder, Emily fell onto her back and you moved to straddle her hips. With soft caresses and firm kisses, you showed Emily just how much she meant to you.
You looked down at your watch and noticed the time.
"My love, our life may be over, but I vow this to you: I will never forget you, Emily Prentiss." You reached out once more to trace your fingers over the bold lettering detailing your love's life. A familiar tension built in your chest as you tried not to cry.
"You will always be the love of my life. There will never be anyone like you. But I know that you would kick my ass if I didn't keep going. If I didn't keep achieving. Loving. Living." The clouds overhead still were filtering the light in patches across the sky but you could still see the light in the sky. You turned your face to the sky and felt the warmth of the autumn afternoon seep into your cheeks, the breeze helping to dry the last tear as it fell down your cheek.
"I'm actually going to miss my flight if I don't leave but I wanted to come and say I love you and be with you before I go spend our honeymoon abroad." You kissed your fingers and pressed them to the headstone. "I love you, Emily. I will be back soon."
With that, you stood and exited the cemetery, making your way to the airport for your two-week vacation in Europe. It seemed to take longer than normal to board the plane and you tried your best to sleep on the long flight to Paris. You landed at 8 in the morning and took a car service to the hotel Emily had specifically picked out for your stay all those months ago.
As you unpacked your things into your drawers, you were completely drawn by the sights dotting the skyline out the window. Wanderlust finally taking over, you left the hotel in search of brunch and a large coffee– something you desperately needed if you were going to stay awake all day.
The restaurant you found was quaint and you ordered in broken French. Emily had only been able to teach you so much but you knew enough to get by. Across the street was a cafe that had a tolerable line and you quickly walked across lanes and got in line behind a woman who was taller than you. After a few minutes of the line creeping closer to the register, you noticed her cellphone fall from the pocket of her pants.
You reached out to grab the phone that had slipped and tapped her on the shoulder. As she spun around to address you, your breath caught in your throat mid-greeting and tears pricked at your eyes and your entire world started to spin.
"Hi… Emily?"