Chapter 13: Spotted Owl

The shriveled moss slipped through Spotted Owl's claws, crumbling like ashes before it even hit the ground. She threw her head back with a groan. Why does this have to be so difficult? Slapping her paw down, she did her best to scape the bits into a pile. She took a step back and glared venomously at the pile as if it was an enemy who had dared to cross her. Okay, moss, you'd better behave this time, or I swear I will shred you.

Spotted Owl bunched her muscles and pounced on the pile as if it was a piece of prey she wanted to eat. She pressed her paws down, trying to squish the moss into a ball, but as soon as she stepped away, it fell apart again.

A roar of exasperation erupted from Spotted Owl's throat. She reared up onto her hind legs and slammed them down onto the moss pile. Unsheathing her claws, she sunk them into the moss and began to shred it. A storm of moss scraps filled the air, scattering across the cave as she whirled in a circle, tearing every piece of moss that she could find.

"What in the name of the Clan of the Bright Stars are you doing?"

The young she-cat froze. She slowly turned her head to see Tumbling Stone standing in the entrance to the elder's den, Quiet Sun and Shining Feather peering over his shoulder. His piercing gaze was centered on her. Her ear tip burning, she quickly shook out her pelt to dislodge the moss clinging to it.

"Umm, I'm cleaning the den?"

"No, you're making a huge mess like an overgrown kit," Tumbling Stone snapped. His posture was as rigid as a stone, and his tail swished back and forth slowly. "You are nearly a full-grown fighter; you should know better. It is your job as a trainee to clean our den and care for us. Now, my bones are aching because I've had to spend way too long out in the cold. I expected a fresh nest ages ago, but you've been in here fooling around all this time."

Spotted Owl felt her pelt inflate like a mad porcupine. Her claws slid out as a fog of anger clouded her mind. How dare Tumbling Stone talk to me like that. I am not a kit. I am nearly a full fighter, and he should treat me with some respect. Besides, I don't want to be doing this any more than he wants me to. I should be at battle training right now. Why did Yellow Sky have to choose me to clean the elder's den? She opened her mouth to retort but quickly clamped it shut, surprised at herself. What in the stars am I thinking? I can't talk like that to an elder. Why am I feeling like this? It was as if a swarm of bees was buzzing incessantly inside her, making her agitated and irritable.

Shining Feather pushed her way past Tumbling Stone into the den, wrinkling her nose as she scanned the mess. "This is a disaster. It looks as if a battle happened here. How in the stars are we supposed to rest with our den in shambles?"

Spotted Owl ducked her head, biting back a sharp response, and forced herself to soften her tone. "I'm sorry. I'll start working right away. It will be done soon."

"It'd better be," Tumbling Stone sniffed as he and the other elders headed out of the den.

"Back in my day, the trainees actually did what they were told…" Shining Feather muttered.

Once their pawsteps had faded away, the dappled she-cat let out a long sigh, her shoulders slumping. Oh, this is bad. What did I have to lose my patience like that? Now I'm in trouble with the elders and possibly my instructor. What in the stars is wrong with me? She wondered, but she felt like she was staring into a murky lake, muddled, and zero answers. As she raised her head, her gaze strayed out of the entrance. Across the camp, her eyes found Tall Pine, who stood near the passageway, talking to Quick Clouds.

"What's wrong, young one?"

Spotted Owl nearly leaped out of her fur. She blinked, realizing that Quiet Sun was standing in the entryway. Frowning, she furrowed her brow in pretend confusion. "What do you mean? Nothing's wrong."

Quiet Sun tilted her head, her honey-yellow eyes glinting with faint amusement. "There's no use denying it. I have seen a lot in all of my seasons; I can tell when someone is troubled. You look as if you are bearing a great burden on your shoulders, Spotted Owl."

Spotted Owl let out a long sigh as she gave up her failed facade. She plopped down, scattering the moss scraps around her. As the elder's words echoed inside her mind, something seemed to fall into place, and it was crystal-clear what was going on for her. "You're right; I do feel as though I have an enormous weight on my shoulders. And it only increases with every passing day."

Quiet Sun took a seat and wrapped her tail around her paws. "Do you want to talk about it?"

The black and white she-cat hesitated. It would be nice to talk to someone. I never thought that I'd think this, but Quiet Sun might be able to give me some good advice. But is it worth the risk? She bit her lip. Yes, it is. I'll just have to be careful. She twitched her tail. "I would like to talk if you wouldn't mind."

Quiet Sun's eyes widened as if she was surprised, but she nodded. "Of course. You can begin whenever you would like."

"Well…" Spotted Owl paused to take a deep breath. "Things have been...difficult between Tall Pine and me recently. I've been spending a lot of time with Sharp lately, but he doesn't like that." As she started to speak, the words came tumbling out of her mouth so fast that she couldn't stop them. "He approached me earlier this morning, wanting to talk."

Spotted Owl's eyes glazed over as she recalled what had happened not too long before. The memory, vivid in her mind's eye, made the same emotions from earlier rise again and swirl inside her like circling vultures.

She had still been half-asleep as she had straggled across the camp toward the prey pile. Her stomach's rumbles had roused her from a deep sleep in her warm nest, so she'd reluctantly dragged herself out of the den and out into the chilly camp still thick with predawn shadows. Somewhere over the Dawn Mountain, the cinnamon-orange orb of the sun was just peeking up over the horizon. She had nearly reached the prey pile when Tall Pine had ambushed her.

The black and white tom had stopped directly in front of her. His brow had been furrowed, his expression tense. "Can I talk to you?"

"Not now," she had mumbled, attempting to sidestep him. "I'm hungry."

He had blocked her path again, gazing imploringly at her. "It's important."

"No," she had repeated, annoyance flaring inside her. She had shouldered past him, eager to satisfy her ravenous stomach.

"It's about Sharp."

Spotted Owl had frozen in her tracks. Oh no, not this again. Dread seeped into her like a foul stench. She had tried to arrange her face into a neutral expression before she turned around. "What is it?"

Tall Pine had sat down, and she'd done the same. He was quiet for several heartbeats, looking everywhere but her. He had had her attention now, but he wasn't sure how to begin. Eventually, he had gathered enough courage to look her in the eye. "I'm worried about you because you've been spending a lot of time with Sharp lately. I know that Mossy Moon said you volunteered to be one of his guards, but I don't believe that for a heartbeat." His eyes, dim with concern, had scrutinized her face. "I know you, Spotted Owl. I know how much you have been hurting because of him and how hard it was for you when he first arrived. That's why I don't believe that you voluntarily put yourself through all of this."

Spotted Owl's chest had constricted. She'd leaped to her paws and turned away, trying to hide her wince and the anguish in her eyes. He doesn't believe my cover story. He wants to know why I'm guarding Sharp. Oh stars, she had clenched her teeth, willing away the tears. He cares so much for me. I want to tell him the truth as much as he wants me to. I want to share everything I've been going through. I don't want to do this alone.

Tall Pine had gotten to his feet as well and padded toward her. "Spotted Owl," he had pleaded with her. "Whatever is going on, whatever reason you are doing this, you can tell me. I am here for you. I love you, and I want to protect you. But you have to talk to me."

The dappled she-cat had taken another step away. I want to, Tall Pine, she'd told him silently. You don't know how much this hurts me not to. But I can't tell you. I have to protect our Clan. And for that to happen, you have to leave me alone. She had taken a deep breath, steeling herself before she turned back around. "There is nothing wrong." Her tone had been as cold as ice. "You need to mind your own business and leave me alone."

"...and then I pushed past him and walked away. That's when Yellow Sky stopped me and sent me to clean the den," Spotted Owl finished. She lifted her gaze from her paws and met Quiet Sun's eyes hesitantly. I hope I didn't say too much.

The elder leaned back as she let out a sigh. "That is a tough situation, young one. You know that Tall Pine cares a lot about you, right?"

Spotted Owl nodded, her ears flattened against her head. "That's what makes this so much worse. I know he's only worried about me, but I can't tell him, uh, what he wants to know," she said, quickly catching herself. "And I can't tell him why I can't tell him because even that would give too much away."

Quiet Sun smiled sympathetically. "I wish I could tell you that since he cares a lot for you, you can just tell him that you cannot talk about it, and he would accept that. But, knowing Tall Pine, he would only continue to worry."

"Yeah, he would." Spotted Owl sniffed a little but chuckled. "I also wish he could accept that I can't tell him, but I know that he just would worry more, and he wouldn't leave me alone. I can't risk him getting in the way. And I can't even tell him that much. So, the safest thing is to keep him as far away as possible." She ducked her head as she felt tears swell inside her, trying to keep the tremble out of her voice. "Even though it hurts so much to shut him out and treat him like this. But I want nothing more than to just be able to tell him."

"Oh, I know you do," Quiet Sun breathed. She scooted forward and stretched out her tail, wrapping the fighter trainee in a tight embrace. Spotted Owl felt herself stiffen, but only for a fraction of a heartbeat before she melted like mushy snow into the embrace. She felt her tears rise higher and higher inside her. She wanted to cry, to let it all out, but she couldn't. Something was stopping her. Nevertheless, she let herself relax into the warmth of her grandmother's body as the heartbeats crept by.

At last, the trainee pulled back. She cleared her throat. "Thank you. I needed that."

Quiet Sun's smile was as warm as the light of her namesake. "Of course. You can come to me anytime you need to talk."

Spotted Owl nodded. She shifted from paw to paw awkwardly, nervousness fluttering in her chest. I know that there will never be a better time to say this, but I'm scared. I just have to say it. She forced herself to hold the golden she-cat's gaze. "I'm sorry for how I treated you when I was younger. I was a rude mouse-brained furball. You are a wonderful cat, and you have excellent advice. I would've been a lot better off had I listened to you sooner."

"Thank you, Spotted Owl," Quiet Sun said. She gave a shake of her head. "It's alright. I forgive you."

Spotted Owl felt the tension in her shoulder release. She let out a long breath as a smile crept across her face. I didn't know how good it would feel to finally say that.

Quiet Sun glanced over her shoulder at something through the entranceway. Turning back, she tilted her head. "While we're on the topic of family conflicts, how are things between you and Drifting Leaf? Do you think you'll ever talk to her about everything?"

"Oh." Spotted Owl's ears pulled back instinctively. "I haven't thought about that in a long time. There are always too many more important things going on. So, it's been moons since we've done anything more than say hello."

Quiet Sun nodded solemnly. Her whiskers twitched as she looked away for a few heartbeats, a strange emotion crossing her face like clouds blotting out the sun. "I suppose I also owe you an apology."

The young she-cat furrowed her brow. "What for?"

"I could have been a better mother," Quiet Sun admitted. "You know, as a kit, I always dreamed of being the best fighter in the Clan. I was so proud to be chosen as a fighter, and I trained harder than any other trainee. I did not plan on having a mate or kits. But as a young fighter, I fell in love with Hawk's Cry, and then Falling Star and Sharp Wind, our first litter, just kind of happened. I tried the best I could, but I was not prepared to be a mother. I much preferred to be out on patrol or at battle training than in the nursery. By the time I realized my mistake, they were already grown." She paused, staring into the distance. Her eyes were misty, and her expression was wistful.

After several heartbeats, Quiet Sun cleared her throat. "When Hawk's Cry and I chose to have another litter-Drifting Leaf and Red Maple-I was ready to be a mother. But disaster struck. I gave birth at the end of an unusually hard Time of Frozen Earth. Our Clan had suffered greatly, losing several Clanmates to sickness, cold, and hunger, and many more were weakened. My time was consumed with helping our Clan recover. I failed my second litter too. I could have been a much more attentive and affectionate mother to all of my kits." Quiet Sun shook her head sadly. "So, you see, I bear some of the blame for Drifting Leaf's faults. I could have taught her better, so she didn't make the same mistake I did."

Spotted Owl blinked as Quiet Sun's words sunk in. "Wow, I had no idea." She squirmed in her seat. I wonder if it means that I have to be more understanding now, and maybe even- Oh, whatever. I can't start going down that path again. I have other things to focus on. She took a breath to reground herself and then got to her paws. "Thank you again for listening, Quiet Sun. I should finish cleaning the den now, or Tumbling Stone and Shining Feather will have my tail."

Quiet Sun's lips quirked. "Oh, I think they'll understand."

What- Spotted Owl's gaze shot to the entrance where two gray shadows were just scurrying away surprisingly spryly. She looked back at Quiet Sun, panic rising like floodwater inside her. "Were they just-"

The elder smiled. "Don't worry. I'll talk to them. And those two may be cranky, nosy elders, but they will respect your privacy."

Spotted Owl let out a breath. "Thank goodness." She began to head out of the den to fetch new moss but looked back over her shoulder. "About your other question-maybe one day."

. . .

Although she had left her conversation with Quiet Sun feeling revived, by the time Spotted Owl had collected Sharp, and they headed out into the Clan of the Morning Sun's territory, she was back to exactly how she had been feeling earlier. Impatience made her pelt itch as if it was covered with ants. Her chest was tight with anxiety. She trudged along with heavy paw-steps, anger simmering just below the surface.

The black and white she-cat glanced sideways at Sharp as they padded along a winding trail, not heading to any destination in particular. He stared straight ahead, his ginger face as expressional as a boulder. Anxiety had risen inside her as she had crossed the camp to collect him, countless scenarios of what might happen playing out in her head. She had tried to stall for as long as possible, but Raven Swoop, the guard on duty, hadn't even given her a heartbeat before he called Sharp out and hurried away, obviously eager to be elsewhere. But when Sharp had emerged from the den, he did none of what she had been preparing for. He had walked right past her, not even sparing her a glance. They had been walking in silence ever since.

Spotted Owl groaned. The ants in her pelt began to scamper even more furiously. Why is he so quiet? She snuck another glance at Sharp, but he did not react. I wish that he would just say something. I cannot take all this anticipation. She felt an urge to wave her tail in his face or jump onto his back or do something that would force him to talk to her, but she squashed it. Instead, she took a deep breath and leaped into action. Stopping in her tracks, she swung around and planted herself in Sharp's way.

Sharp halted abruptly, his eyes widening with surprise. "W-what are you doing?" He sputtered.

Spotted Owl looked him in the eye, her jaw set. "We are not going anywhere until you tell me what is going on."

The Band cat frowned, his ears pulled back. "What do you mean?"

Spotted Owl narrowed her eye with a snort. "You haven't said one word to me this entire time. What is that about? Is it because of what I said last time we were together?"

Sharp hesitated, studying his paws. He flicked an ear. "Yes. But I didn't want to say anything that would make you angry since it's obvious that you're having a tough time-"

"I'm having a tough time?" The fighter trainee exploded, staring at him incredulously. "I'm having so much more than just a 'tough time.' A tough time is when you lose a catch, or you don't sleep well because there's a thorn in your nest." She turned on her heel and began to pace. "It's not when you are forced to guard a traitorous fox-heart who deceived your Clan, murdered one of your Clanmates and tried to instigate a war between the Clans. Who lied, manipulated, attacked and-" She paused, her head drooping. She had turned her back to him. Her voice became as soft as the murmur of a brook. "-hurt you more than you can imagine." She lifted her head, her tone rock-hard. "So, yeah, I'm having a tough time; having to deal with everything being around you to protect my Clan brings up for me; having to push my family and friends away, so they don't get hurt; having to grapple with unwanted flashbacks and nightmares and my injury, and so many conflicting feelings that I feel I might drown in them."

Spotted Owl's voice grew fainter as she finished speaking until she nearly whispered her last few words. She suddenly felt breathless, as if she was underwater and everything around her was dark and cloudy, and she couldn't breathe. Oh my stars, I really just said all of that. I just admitted everything to Sharp of all cats!

Before she knew what was happening, a sob wrenched itself loose from her throat like the cry of a dying eagle. Her legs gave way beneath her, and she sank into a ball on the forest floor. Uncontrollable tremors quaked through her body, and her eyes released a flood of tears. She cried, not for the first time in the past several sunrises, but the first time she let herself cry fully. She forgot where she was, who she was with, and let her barriers down, letting everything out into the open. She let out all of the agony and confliction that she had been feeling while around Sharp. She cried for everything the Clans, her Clanmates, and her family had gone through because of the Bands. She cried for Tall Pine and all of the pain she was causing him-and herself-by pushing him away. She let out all her frustration with her lingering injury. She cried for herself and everything she'd been through.

After what felt like moons, Spotted Owl felt her tears recede. The world sharpened around her as she lifted her head, becoming aware of where she was once more. But instead of anger, she felt as though she had been washed clean by her tears, though instead of emptiness, she felt stronger. Brave. Confident. For once, she actually believed that she could do this.

"Spotted Owl?" A soft voice asked.

The dappled she-cat turned to see Sharp behind her, hunched over, avoiding her gaze. She planted her paws and lifted her chin. I can do this. But she wasn't prepared for what he said next.

"I know."

Spotted Owl took a step backward, blinking. "What?"

Sharp ducked his head. "I know. I know that everything you just said is true. And a lot of it is my fault. I know that a tough time doesn't begin to describe what you're going through. I was just trying to give you some space."

"Oh." Spotted Owl's ear tips warmed slightly. Her mind scrambled to follow what he was saying and grasp its implications.

"I know that I have committed grievous crimes and hurt the Clans-and you," he continued. "I know that nothing I can do can ever make up for it. I have been trying to find a way to say this, but I guess this is the best way. I know this cannot fix anything, but for what it is worth-" He paused and took a deep breath, finally meeting her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Whaaa- Spotted Owl staggered several more steps backward. Oh, my stars- Did he just? She couldn't grasp what he had just said, so she stood there, her jaws hanging open. Emotions swirled through her, though her mind was blank.

Sharp stood there for a heartbeat, biting his lip. "Um, do you want to keep moving?" He suggested at last.

"Yes," Spotted Owl said hurriedly. She turned and began to trot along the trail. Sharp followed her.

Wow, what a chapter. That was like an emotional rollercoaster ride. We got to see Quiet Sun again and learn more about her! I originally wanted to do it, but I wasn't sure how to work it in, but now I'm glad that I figured out how to. There has also been a new development in Spotted Owl and Sharp's relationship. Hmm, I wonder where it's going to go from here?

Reviews:

Wyatt (Guest) - I'm doing well, thank you. Yes, it is!

Theoneandonlylonelypotato - Wow, great job for reading all of that! Thank you very much. I'm glad they've kept you sane. Writing has helped to keep me sane too. We all gotta find what we can to keep us going these days. Yeah, my bad about Spotted Owl forgiving Sharp. I do my best to keep track of all plot details, but I do miss some. Since I missed that, I'm just going to keep this story as it is. Well, you know, Spotted Owl can change her mind, and I think that forgiving him there is a lot different than him showing up all of the blue asking for asylum and potentially still working with the Bands. That's not weird at all!

Fun Fact: Quiet Sun and her brother, Lion Claw, got into even more trouble than Spotted Owl with mischief and pranks as kits, trainees, and even young hunters and fighters.

- A Warrior At Heart