Chapter 25: Tall Pine

Tall Pine dreamed that he was drowning. Somehow, after falling asleep in his dry mossy nest in the trainee's den, his fur sticky with herbal poultices and warmed by Blossom Dust, who slept with her flank pressed against him, he was back in the middle of the Blue River. The icy chill of the water cut through his pelt, sucking away all of his heat like a parasite. His limbs began to grow numb as he struggled to keep his head above the water. There was nothing but thick, smothering darkness all around him; no shore in sight. The wind howled as it gusted over the surface, creating choppy waves. One crashed over Tall Pine's head, flinging him down into the depths. He fought to make it back to the surface, but his legs were limp and useless. He couldn't do anything but let himself drift down, down, down…

Tall Pine was drowning. Panic surged in him as water flooded into his lungs. He coughed but only managed to swallow more. His chest constricted, becoming as tight as a gnarled tree root. He was drowning, but not in the water now, in his worries. All of his doubts and concerns piled up over the moons weighed on him more heavily than a boulder. There were too many things to worry about, too many possibilities and uncertainties, too many things going wrong. He didn't know what to do, how to solve the problems. Tall Pine opened his mouth for one last desperate attempt at breathing. Instead of water, he gulped mouthfuls of fragrant air.

W-what? The black and white tom opened his mouth again, making sure his mind wasn't playing tricks on him. As he drew in another breath, he doubled over, coughing up water that wasn't there. His claws sank into soft soil to steady himself. As the coughs subsided, he cracked open his eyes. The first thing Tall Pine saw was the smooth emerald-green blades of grass poking up between his toes, the opposite of the frost-dried grass coating the Dawn Mountain's slopes. He gaped dumbly at it for several heartbeats. How is this possible?

"Tall Pine? Are you all right?" Hasty paw-steps trotted toward him.

Tall Pine bolted upright. A giddy grin split his face as everything fell into place. "Hawk's Cry." He ran to meet his Spirit Guardian, who wrapped him in a warm embrace.

"It is good to see you too." Hawk's Cry's laugh was deep and throaty like a gentle rumble of thunder.

The young tom couldn't help but laugh as well. He took a step back, meeting his grandfather's warm amber eyes that seemed to erase all of his worries, replacing them with a feeling of love and protection instead. "It feels like it has been moons since I last saw you. I missed you so much."

"I missed you too," Hawk's Cry purred. "I am glad that I am your Spirit Guardian, so I can see you even though I belong to the Clan of the Bright Stars now."

"Yes," Tall Pine agreed, a faint feeling of bittersweetness rippling through him. "The cats of the Clan of the Bright Stars may not be with us anymore, but they are never truly gone."

"And we will always be here to watch over you," Hawk's Cry added with a smile. "So, how are you? How is everything with the Clan of the Morning Sun? How are your sisters?"

Tall Pine's smile faltered. "Well, to be honest, it has been a tough past moon, as I'm sure you know. A moon ago now, the Clan of the Flowing Waters started acting hostile toward my Clan, and half a moon ago, they started attacking us outright, trying to provoke a war. I was on the hunting patrol that they attacked this sunrise." His voice softened as memories from the battle flooded his mind. "But I'm okay," he went on, "and so are most of the other cats. However, Rising Water is in bad condition. Red Maple was worried, and she's watching her overnight. On top of that, Mossy Moon is considering launching a counterattack against the Clan of the Flowing Waters. They've gone too far this time."

Tall Pine sighed, shaking his head, but continued. "Sharp appeared at our border nearly a moon ago, asking for asylum. Mossy Moon allowed him to stay with us, but many cats, especially me, don't trust him. But it's been almost two moons since we left the Land of Shadowed Stars, and we've heard nothing more from the Bands, which is even more ominous. However-" he said, trying for a more positive tone. "Blossom Dust is doing well as always. She's become an excellent fighter. Quiet Sun is also well, though she's bored without any kits to enthrall with stories. Though she won't have to wait long as Maple Sky should be giving birth soon," he added, knowing his grandfather would want to hear about his mate. "But Spotted Owl-I don't know how she's doing."

Hawk's Cry placed his tail on his grandson's shoulder. "I've seen what has been happening between you two. I understand."

Tall Pine's eyes widened. Wait, no, of course, he knows everything, he chided himself internally. He nodded. "It's been hard. Not just my fights with Spotted Owl-everything. There is so much I am constantly worrying about. It's almost too much to bear."

Hawk's Cry nodded solemnly. "I know. That's why I called you here tonight."

The hunter trainee smiled faintly. "Thank you. There is so much that I want to talk to you about, but there would never be time for it all. But if you know what happened between Spotted Owl and me-" he ducked his head, nervous now that he was going to say it aloud. "-then you know that I have been meeting up with Frosted Leaf of the Clan of the Flowing Waters, right?"

"Yes," the Spirit Guardian murmured. Tall Pine's head jerked up, meeting his eyes, which were round, portraying nothing but concern.

"Is it okay- Can I ask-" Tall Pine sighed. "I don't know what to do."

Hawk's Cry turned, padding a few steps away as his whiskers twitched thoughtfully. "Situations like these are complicated. It is challenging to see clearly when there are a lot of factors to consider and emotions involved." He glanced back over his shoulder, his eyes twinkling. "What is clear to me, though, is that you care for Frosted Leaf deeply."

Tall Pine flushed, his ears burning red-hot. "Yes, I do care for her. I enjoy spending time with her immensely. She is a kind, playful, and thoughtful cat." A smile crept across his face. "I feel like she really understands me in a way that no one else does. But she's from another Clan." He shrugged helplessly. "Our secret meetings are not against the Clan's Code per se, but they have felt wrong to me since the beginning. I don't like lying to my Clanmates. Now that Spotted Owl knows, I don't know what she'll do-if she'll tell our Clan and reveal us. But the more important thing is that she is furious with me and refuses to talk to me. I don't know if I can ever repair our relationship, especially if I continue to see Frosted Leaf. She's my sister, though. I can't lose Spotted Owl. But I don't know if I can bear to stop seeing Frosted Leaf."

"I'm sorry. That is a very challenging decision," Hawk's Cry said, tilting his head. "You care about Frosted Leaf, but you also care about Spotted Owl, and you are loyal to your Clan. Either way, you lose something precious to you."

Tall Pine sighed. "I know." He met his grandfather's eyes. "Do you have any advice for me? Can you tell me what I should do? That Spotted Owl will be able to forgive me, or I'll be okay if I say goodbye to Frosted Leaf?"

Hawk's Cry's eyes shone with sympathy, but he shook his head. "I'm sorry. I can't tell you any of that. I cannot promise that things will be okay no matter the decision you make, and I cannot tell you what to do. You have to make the decision for yourself."

Tall Pine's shoulders slumped, but he nodded. "I understand."

Hawk's Cry opened his mouth to say something, but he stopped as his ears pricked. He turned to his grandson. "Tall Pine, you need to leave now. But I want to tell you this; follow your heart. Choose what is most precious to you. You'll know that you have made the right decision."

What do you mean? Tall Pine wanted to ask, but he only had enough time to close the distance between him and Hawk's Cry and bury his head in his fur. Hawk's Cry wrapped his tail around him, holding him in one last embrace. The spirit tom's familiar cedar scent mingled with frosty starlight wreathed around his nose. The wind picked up, howling in the young tom's ears. He shut his eyes as Hawk's Cry's solid form began to soften under his touch then disintegrate like ashes after a fire until he was gone.

Tall Pine's eyes flew open. He blinked in the gloom as his mind worked out where he was. He stood up in his nest in the trainee's den, shaking off scraps of moss. Blossom Dust was sound asleep beside him with Spotted Owl on her other side, who was curled into a ball, her back pointed to him. Closer to the entrance, Amber Mist snored in her nest, Whispering Rain having moved to sleep in the healer's den not too long before. His Spirit Guardian's words rang in his ears, but he brushed them aside as he remembered why he had woken so abruptly. Stepping carefully around his sister, Tall Pine treaded lightly across the den, poking his head out of the entrance. The moon, nearly full and round as a blind cat's eye, was suspended high in the sky, illuminating the billowing clouds to create an eerie halo around itself.

It's late. Mouse-dung. With shadow-like movements, Tall Pine slipped along his usual path around the camp, praying that the deafening thudding of his heart in his ears wouldn't wake anyone. Once he had hurried through the tunnel, out the dirtplace, and had moved far enough away from camp, he broke into a run, crashing down the mountainside in his urgency. His paws crunched on dried leaves and pine needles, squelched on muddy earth, then splashed through frigid water before he finally slowed.

Please, Clan of the Bright Stars, let her still be there. Taking a deep breath, Tall Pine clambered up the bank onto the island. His eyes landed on Frosted Leaf, who sat with her back brushing against the reeds, her tail flicking as if caught in a breeze. Her face lit up when she saw him.

"Frosted Leaf, I'm sorry that I'm-" the young tom started.

"Tall Pine. Thank the stars-" Frosted Leaf exclaimed at the same time. Leaping to her paws, she rushed over to him. "Oh, sorry, you can go."

Tall Pine grinned in a mix of relief and joy that she had waited. "No, you can."

"I was going to say thank the stars you came," Frosted Leaf said. "When you didn't show up right away, I was scared that something had happened to you. You know, since my Clan has been attacking your's." She stared at her paws, digging one claw into the mud. "Holly Blossom told me that she saw you on the patrol they attacked this sunrise. Oh, I'm so sorry."

Tall Pine met her owl-like eyes. "You don't have to apologize. None of this is your fault."

"Yeah, but it is my Clan that's hurting your Clan," the pale gray she-cat protested. Her gaze flickered over the bandages on his muzzle and shoulder. "My Clan has hurt you."

"But you're not the one giving the orders," Tall Pine pointed out. "Although your Clanmates have been attacking my Clan, they're only following Gray Moon's commands. You can't blame yourself for this. Especially because I'm fine. I only got a few minor scratches. Actually, I was going to apologize to you. I was late because I overslept."

"Oh." Emotions warred across Frosted Leaf's face before she summoned a small smile. "Well, I'm glad you're okay."

Tall Pine returned it. "Thank you." Shaking out his pelt, he padded a few steps onto the island. "After the battle earlier this sunrise, I think that it is even more pertinent now than ever that we figure out why Gray Moon is doing this." He looked over his shoulder, his expression grim. "Mossy Moon is considering retaliating against your Clan. We might be going to war."

"Yes, I agree." Frosted Leaf nodded, though she scuffed the ground with one paw. "But I'm not sure how we're going to do that. Now that Holly Blossom knows, she's been watching me like a hawk. I barely managed to slip away tonight. Gray Moon is also on edge more than ever. The fighters on guard found scent from the Clan of the Morning Sun around our camp the morning after the night we went to investigate."

"Oh stars," Tall Pine cursed. "Fox-dung." That's all my fault. I didn't do a good enough job disguising my scent. Now there is no way I can go back to the camp to investigate any time soon. They'll be on high alert. He heaved a huge sigh. Maybe that's just as well. My Clan is preparing for war. We're too late anyway. With everything that is going on, I need to focus on helping my Clan. He bolted upright, standing erectly. My Clan. His eyes stretched wide as Hawk's Cry's words flooded back to him. 'Follow your heart. Choose what is most precious to you.' My Clan, he thought again, blinking. My Clanmates. My friends and my family.

Just like that, he knew without a doubt what the right decision was. But it broke his heart.

"Frosted Leaf," Tall Pine whispered, turning toward her. His fellow hunter trainee looked up, her blue eyes as distraught as he felt. The words were on the tip of his tongue-all he had to do was say that. But they sat heavily like a lump in his throat, nearly choking him. "I don't think that we can see each other anymore."

Frosted Leaf's eyes widened; so much surprise and hurt rippling through their dark blue depths that it smashed the already shattered pieces of his heart. But she nodded. "I know."

Tall Pine's jaw dropped open. Her agreement made it easier, but it was almost worse. He cocked his head, gazing at her intently as he tried to keep his emotions at bay. "I am so sorry. You are always so kind and considerate. You have overcome your doubt to stand up for what is right. You have been here for me when I need you. I have never laughed harder than when I've been with you, and I treasure your friendship. You are truly an amazing cat." He took a step closer as he bit his lip. "But we are divided by a border and so much more. We both have Clans whom we are loyal to first and foremost. We have lives in our Clans and friends and family we care about. Though we care about each other, neither of us can sacrifice any of that."

"We exist in separate worlds that the other doesn't belong in, no matter how we feel," Frosted Leaf murmured. She padded closer to him, so her whiskers nearly brushed his face. "I've known for a while that we could never have worked out. You are thoughtful and kind. You have been understanding and pushed me to overcome my fears. I love to laugh with you as well. I love to spend time with you and listen to you." She stared deep into his eyes. "I love you, Tall Pine. But we both know that we can't be together."

Emotions surged inside the black and white tom, feelings that he didn't have the words for. There was too much to say and not enough time in the world. So instead, he stepped forward, closing the final gap between them as he pressed his forehead to her's. The heartbeat that they stood with their foreheads pressed together felt eternal and infinite. A tide of emotions swelled inside of Tall Pine; confliction, regret, sorrow. I don't want to leave her. Then it was over. He pulled away, stepping back. The emotions swelled as high as his face, forming tears that blurred his vision like rain, so he turned away. He cleared his throat. "I should be going."

Frosted Leaf's mew was as soft and light as a fresh layer of snow. "Yes. I should return to my camp as well."

A heartbeat stretched on without either of them saying anything or making a move. "So, I guess this is goodbye," Tall Pine murmured.

"Yes." Mud squelched as Frosted Leaf took a step. "Goodbye, Tall Pine."

The young tom bent his head as he choked on a sob in his throat. His breath trembled as tears began to fall. I don't want to leave her. I don't want to leave her. I don't want to leave her… But he wrestled back control of his emotions. Sniffling, he blinked the tears out of his eyes. But when he turned around, Frosted Leaf was gone. The swaying of the reeds was the only hint that she'd ever been there.

Tall Pine's lungs deflated in a long exhale. "Goodbye, Frosted Leaf," he said to the chilly night air. With heavy paws, he turned, splashing through the water though he did not feel its chill. As he climbed the bank on the other side, the swollen gray clouds broke, and gentle snow began to fall-the first one of the season. Once he reached the forest, Tall Pine paused and looked back. He could just barely see the outline of the island between the trees in the darkness of the night, but in his mind's eye, he imagined a pale gray and white she-cat, her pelt shining like a spirit in the night, waiting there, her blue eyes lighting up as he approached. Goodbye.

Wow, I feel like I was just here. These chapters have been going very fast. So, this was a very emotional chapter. I honestly almost cried when writing the final scene, and I never cry. What do you all think about Tall Pine's decision? If you were in his position, what would you do?

Fun Fact: Hawk's Cry and Bramble Foot had another brother named Short Flame. Short Flame's mate was a cat named Briar Flower and their son is Running Wave, who was named after his grandfather's sister, Swift Moon, a legendary chieftain of the Clan of the Morning Sun.

- A Warrior At Heart