Day 42:

Don't stop. Don't think. Don't feel.

It was easiest when she was fighting. She could do that without thinking. There was almost a peace to it. Death was something she was an expert in, so maybe that was what she would do in this lifetime; once she had ruled the kingdom in Noctis' stead, now she lived in the shadows and preserved the life of everyone who mattered by dealing death to those who didn't.

It had been easier before Cor and Iris had found her. Now she had to see them, hear them, speak to them, because they wanted to know where they were going or what they were doing next. It wasn't that Reina didn't want them to know. It wasn't even that she didn't want to be around them. She did. It was everything she wanted—or at least representative of everything she wanted. But every time she caught Cor's gaze or heard Iris' voice, she remembered what she had done to them.

She didn't deserve friends like them. She was a monster underneath all this and someday they would realize it and walk away again. At least in her Dream, the ugly interior had begun to show through. Now she just looked like a person. So they thought she was.

The car was the worst.

How many hours had she spent in the back of the Regalia with Noctis and his friends? How many miles of Lucian countryside had she watched fly past the window. Just like this.

Father was still alive. Insomnia had never fallen. It was seven fifty-six.

They drove all the way across Lucis twice. Once to Hammerhead, once back toward Meldacio. Sometimes she closed her eyes and hoped it would all go away: the irrational emotions that gripped her chest and took hold of her mind and body. She knew. She knew logically that there was no reason to feel what she felt: the terror, the sadness, the mind-numbing emptiness and endless desire for death. This was life. This was waking life and everything she had been wishing for over the last ten years.

If only she could feel it instead of wallowing in a life she had never lived.

Sometimes she couldn't tell which emotions were real and important, and which ones were caused by some inescapable memory of a time that had never happened. Sometimes all she could do was just close all of them out and try not to feel anything at all. She'd gotten good at that in her Dream.

But there was one thing that was real. It didn't matter if it was from a memory or not; she needed to protect her family. Her friends. Regardless of what they did or didn't think of her, she needed them to be safe and well and whole. She couldn't do what she had done to them before. She wouldn't let anything hurt them so much ever again.

They reached Meldacio near dusk. Steyliff Grove was a stone's throw away, but they rented the caravan anyway. Cor had been driving all day and every time he stood up he moved stiffly. He had stayed up late the night before looking after her. He could use the rest. Iris was her usual self. Or what had been usual for her ten years ago. It was almost refreshing.

And Ardyn… Well. Ardyn knew Reina, and he knew she had no intention of dragging the other two through Steyliff when she could do it herself.

It wasn't as if she was going to sleep anyway.