Chapter 13

It makes you settle.

Embarrassingly, Sakura couldn't hold back the sobs so settled on muffling them with her knees. Indentations in the shape of tiny red half-moons marred the skin of her arms but for the life of her, she couldn't release the death grip she had on herself. The stinging helped to ground Sakura just when she was certain she was about to lose herself entirely.

How could Sai say such careless words? While they did hold some truth – no, not even some truth. They were incredibly truthful. But that didn't mean they were words she wanted or needed to hear.

Had he not been basing his observations of love off her experiences, then Sakura knew the weight of what he said wouldn't have hit half as powerfully as it did. Yes, it would've stung to hear but she certainly would never have broken down like she currently was. Most definitely not while on a goddamn mission.

Why did he have to make love sound so pathetic? So toxic? Not just any love, either. The way she loved or was loved specifically, since that was all he really had to go off when it came to real human experiences. Anything else was from a book of some kind.

Was she – or her love, at least – really that toxic?

What did she even do if that was the case? If she wasn't aware of her being toxic, how did she fix the problem? Could she?

It was during a particularly pitiful and embarrassing sob that rustling sounded to her immediate left, prompting Sakura to bury her face into her knees more forcefully to try and retain at least some modicum of dignity.

"Sakura," came the sigh of her sensei, quiet and dejected.

The last thing she wanted or needed was Kakashi's pity or some kind of prep talk, but to outright ignore him when it was so obvious that he'd been doing all he could to make the past few days more bearable for her was rude as hell. Even without knowing the cause behind her low moods, he'd done nothing but look out for her and try to accommodate her.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it," he surprised her by saying. He moved to sit beside Sakura, their arms bumping lightly when Kakashi shifted in his position to bend his knees upwards, arms slinging over them. "I'm skilled at many things, but I have yet to grasp the art of boy-talk."

Reluctantly, she snorted and barely managed to reply with a derisive, "It requires a lot of delicacy."

"Ah, that must be where I'm going wrong."

The silence they fell into was surprisingly comfortable and it allowed Sakura the time to put herself back together again, his presence granting her the strength needed to do so. Without Kakashi there, she undoubtedly would have agonised over being viewed as a toxic person and succumbed to the pain that brought. With him, she wasn't allowed to ruminate. She was with her superior. Yes, she was safe and comfortable with letting go in front of him, but it wasn't what she wanted to do and he reminded her of that promise she made to herself.

She wanted to be stronger.

"Regardless of my below average boy-talk skills, I've been told many times that I'm a great listener," Kakashi informed her once she'd wiped away the remainder of her tears, triggering her to smile more warmly at him that time. "Those on our team have a bad habit of bottling everything up until it becomes unmanageable."

"Including you?" she asked cheekily.

He smirked. "Definitely including me."

Sighing, Sakura wondered whether any good would even come out of opening up to Kakashi, since she didn't really know where to start. If she said too much then the whole affair was exposed before she had the chance to speak with Tsunade and like Sai, it would put Kakashi in a difficult position that she just couldn't ask of him. Say too little and she essentially downplayed the weight behind Sai's words and looked like she was grossly overreacting. To not say anything whatsoever was just… Didn't that make it seem like she didn't trust him or feel comfortable with him?

"I…" Grimacing, Sakura lowered her gaze and murmured softly, "It felt personal."

"It sounded personal," Kakashi confirmed. He gave a weighted sigh and leaned back more heavily against the tree trunk, eye going to the break in the leaves that granted him a pleasant view of the sky. "Almost as though he's plucked his personal views straight out of your experiences but chose to view them all as strictly negative."

Kakashi thought so too? Then again, her sensei was always crazy observant. Not much escaped his attention – he merely chose when or how he wanted to interfere if his interference was even necessary at all.

At least he didn't think it was having her body compared to someone like Ino's that bothered her, then – well, it did. But it wasn't half as upsetting as having her love basically labelled as toxic. In fact, that dreadful part of the conversation had swiftly been knocked way out of her mind when Sai decided to continue talking.

"Sai doesn't have any experience in that area – from what I know of," Sakura told him quietly. "I didn't take that into consideration…"

"When telling him about your own experiences?"

She nodded mutedly and was unable to meet his eye.

Humming thoughtfully, her sensei returned to gazing up at what little he could see of the feathery white clouds that graced the azure sky, the sounds of the forest surrounding them complementing the wonderful weather flawlessly. It helped in making her feel more at peace when she was submerged in the sights and sounds and marvels that was nature.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but Sai came to you for advice, didn't he?" Awkwardly, Sakura nodded because that wasn't entirely true, but it wasn't like she could really tell him that it all stemmed from his discovery of her relationship with Gaara. "You can only help to the best of your knowledge. It's down to Sai to educate himself or explore that area for himself further."

One could argue that he wasn't actually mentally (or emotionally) ready to explore the romance world, however. Yes, it sometimes brought happiness and fulfilment and safety, but it was just as likely to run into someone who had bad intentions. What if Sai, in all his clueless glory, was unable to see the red flags? What if he fell madly in love with someone who manipulated and hurt him? What if they took advantage of his not understanding? What if they got mad because he didn't understand?

"What has you worried?" questioned Kakashi with a surprising gentleness to his tone, one that instantly had her looking to him. The only times he ever used it was when it was just the two of them discussing Sasuke, which was increasingly rare to happen nowadays. "That he'll be hurt?"

Sakura exhaled heavily, already knowing from the slight furrowing of her sensei's brow that he was alluding to her first heartbreak.

"Or are you worried that he could fall in love?"

For the longest moment that seemed to stretch on for an eternity, she could only stare at Kakashi in stunned horror, because that most definitely wasn't what had her concerned for him. Gods, she hoped with every beat of her heart that Sai fell for someone and that it was the best thing to ever happen to him. She wanted him to find happiness and that feeling of safety and comfort.

But…

"What if he does and can't understand they're a bad person?" she shot back weakly, unable to fully understand the horrid twisting in her gut. "What if he's like when I was younger and crazy about…?"

Sadly, Kakashi gave a low chuckle while his hand came to her head, giving a teasing ruffle to her hair. "Trust me when I say this, Sakura: that version of you was one of a kind. You won't have to worry about Sai being naïve."

That wasn't really reassuring, but his humour towards how hopelessly in love she'd once been brought Sakura out of her funk a little, and she smiled wryly at herself. "It really was something, wasn't it?"

"Definitely. But maybe it was also something he needed more than you'll ever know."

Sakura… Thank you.

She breathed out shakily, trying and failing to control the rampant emotions.

The sight of her eyes filling with fresh tears had Kakashi offering her a sad smile, the hand in her hair growing more comforting. "You've always had a heart big enough for our entire team. It only makes sense that you're worried about Sai being stung, however, that's life. We will never learn if we don't experience these things for ourselves."

Gods, he was right.

"Come on," he instructed gently. "Those two will be driving the client insane by now."

Luckily for her, Naruto was for some odd reason mindful of what he was saying or doing around her (had been since Suna, though she chose not to question it for her paranoia's sake), so he didn't try bashing Sai or asking her any questions about how she was feeling. Instead, he did all he could to raise the overall spirits of their team and for the most part it worked.

It was saying goodbye to their client, Fumiko, after witnessing the pitiful return party that had them staggering in their lifted moods. A couple of children she presumed to be siblings had greeted her with glee and excitement, almost crying as they repeatedly welcomed Fumiko home and thanked the Gods for the Kazekage's change of heart, but other than the two kids there was just one stern old woman, whose eyes had noticeably rubbed Naruto the wrong way. Of course, Sakura hadn't liked them either, but it wasn't until Naruto's visibly disgruntled response that she realised just how horrible the woman appeared.

However, Fumiko couldn't have looked happier returning, especially when her eyes continuously strayed a particular dark haired man hiding in the background who seemed equally relieved to see her home. Pointing that out when they left was perhaps the only reason why Naruto did so without creating a fuss.

Despite there being no real rush, the return home was remarkably quicker without a civilian in tow and Sakura relished in their tearing through the trees. She loved the rush of the wind tickling her features as it blew her hair across them, and the sensation of being so utterly free as they leapt from branch to branch. Travelling at such high speeds had always been a source of happiness for her, particularly when returning from a mission.

Sai didn't try to make amends during the travel or when they first returned, much to her happiness. Either someone had filled him in or he was learning to read that Sakura needed a bit more time before she approached the sensitive subject – charging headfirst into such a conversation when it was blaringly obvious that it affected her so greatly, wasn't wise. She was a hothead by nature and ridiculously impulsive, whereas Sai shockingly needed her to be more patient and not wary per se, but cautious of his interpretations. His newfound take on love was proof of that.

However, her problem with Sai would have to take a seat on the backburner for a day or two.

Sakura remained in her shishou's office even as the others shot her looks of confusion, thankful that Tsunade didn't question her in front of them. Instead, the woman sat back in her impressive chair and crossed one leg over the other, only raising a delicate blonde eyebrow once the door was shut to prompt Sakura.

"I…"

Intrigued, Tsunade asked, "What's wrong, Sakura?"

How mad was Tsunade about to be? No, the better question to ask (since it was highly likely her shishou would be angry) was: what could be used as a weapon in the office, other than the woman's destructive fists?

She had always admired Senju Tsunade long before becoming her apprentice, just as many in the village who knew of her prowess did. Being the first medic in decades who could fight ferociously on the front lines and make such a devastating difference, who established the laws that protected the rest of them while simultaneously boosted the survival rates of the ordinary shinobi teams was… It was a lot, despite what others said about their remarkable Hokage.

Many only saw Tsunade for her flaws. They saw the heartbreak that shattered all composure, that dragged her down from the pedestal that she forced the others to put her on. They droned on and on about her gambling habits and her alcoholism, though refused to listen to reason that while yes, they were unhealthy, they were coping mechanisms. No, she couldn't stop cold turkey after decades of relying on them.

But the fact she dropped the majority of the gambling to become Hokage was impressive, in Sakura's medical eye. After however many decades living in such a way, that was surely no easy feat. So what if she had to have a few drinks every day to calm the tremors that would take over? At least she wasn't blackout wasted every day like she used to be. Tsunade was keeping it under control the best she could. Slow progress was still progress.

And despite what others believed, it was those experiences that broke her heart beyond repair, that made Tsunade way more understanding than ever before.

"I needed to talk to you before he sent a scroll to announce it himself–"

Shaking her head like she was completely thrown off, Tsunade sat forward and held up a hand, telling her, "From the beginning. That is no place to start a story."

It was maddeningly nerve-wracking to do so. Sakura sucked in a deep, calming breath and reminded herself that this was her shishou, although admittedly, it was still a little intimidating opening up to her Hokage about everything going on. Shishou or not, it made it feel more official. Like there was absolutely no way to go back on what she said, if she'd messed up.

Sakura did all she could to ignore the shaking of her hands as they clasped together behind her back, grip unyielding. "I'm romantically involved with Gaara," she said as surely as possible, because seeming uncertain of herself was a major no-no.

Tsunade blinked in surprise. "Gaara?"

Shyly, she nodded. "Yes, Tsunade-sama."

"Sabaku no Gaara?"

There was no stopping the flood of heat to her face. "Y-Yes, Tsunade-sama."

"As in the Kazekage?" she demanded, shocking Sakura with looking astonished at the knowledge. "You're romantically involved with the Kazekage?"

She was dying under the attention she received from her superior and Sakura sincerely hoped that Tsunade wouldn't ask for any details, because Gods, she could see the thousands of questions that were bursting at the seams beginning to overwhelm her. It was written all over her features as they remained visibly impressed and intrigued, only doubling when Tsunade leaned onto her desk and dropped her jaw by a few inches.

"How…?" She shook her head softly, questioning, "No. When did this start?"

Damn, that was a good question – one she wasn't actually sure she could answer. Everything had gone by in a whirlwind of passion and longing since their first time and the days seemed to blur into one while she waited for their next meeting.

"Less than a year ago," guessed Sakura, embarrassed. "It doesn't feel like it's been all that long, except for when it comes to the break in seeing each other."

Finally, the shock in Tsunade's eyes began to dissipate, but only to make way for a sudden rawness that almost caused Sakura's breath to catch. The older woman sat back in her seat more comfortably and offered her a much gentler smile than what she was used to seeing, taking years off her already unnaturally young face.

"Separation always feels like it goes on for an eternity, no matter how long you have been together or how short the separation period is." Lips twitching in an almost smile, she added softly, "But then the time together never feels like it's long enough, either."

She wondered if her shishou was thinking back to her deceased lover, for Sakura had yet to witness anything else that provoked such a tender, heartfelt response. The reminiscent expression was enough to send Sakura back in time to memories she long since put to rest, and in response to the suddenly intense longing that she hadn't felt in a while, she felt a ruthless lump rise in her throat.

But unlike her lost love, Kato Dan was unwillingly torn from Tsunade. He didn't walk away. Didn't desert her or their village. She couldn't imagine promising her heart to another, and theirs her, only for them to be cruelly torn apart by fate. How did one live with such a loss?

…They didn't, Sakura realised sadly when Tsunade shut her eyes and breathed in deeply through her nose, forehead gently coming to clasped hands. They coped in whatever way they could.

"You said Gaara would be sending a scroll," she said, not asked.

After a couple of moments longer, Tsunade dropped her hands back to the desk and resumed her stern expression. No traces of her heartache remained, and Sakura couldn't help but allow her admiration for her shishou go up a notch for the inspiring achievement. What she wouldn't give to be able to push aside her emotions like that or to at least hide them from people.

Nodding, Sakura told the older woman nervously, "…He proposed."

Saying it out loud was so surreal. In the moment… Damn it, Sakura wasn't even sure what her reaction had been, but it wasn't pleasant for either of them.

"Marry me."

Heart stuttering, she could only stare at Gaara dumbly for several agonising minutes while she tried so extremely hard to process the words. She knew what they were. Knew exactly what he was asking of her. But they weren't registering in her mind and for the life of her, Sakura wasn't sure how to respond thanks to the apparent short-circuiting.

Her mouth parted, then snapped shut.

Words failed her. Movement failed her. Feeling failed her. All she could do was watch numbly as Gaara failed spectacularly at hiding his crestfallen expression, not even registering when his hands slipped off her body.

Marry me.

Marry… Gaara.

The thought wasn't unpleasant – quite the contrary, actually. Thinking of all their mornings starting as they had that morning filled her with giddiness and she longed to wake in his embrace, to feel that safety and newfound peacefulness he radiated, every morning.

But… what if it was just a novelty? What if it wore off once they were no longer sneaking around? What if it was tainted by long days and arguments and growing annoyed with one another? What if he grew bored of her? What happened when his council found out about her and disagreed on his choice? They…

They hadn't even said "I love you" to each other yet.

There was no doubt in Sakura's mind that she loved Gaara, for her response to his marrying another woman and those intense emotions he stirred within her, as well as that need to see him and be with him and protect what they had, told her so. No, her feelings for him were certain. They were definite. But she just… What was she…?

The physical distance between them hadn't changed in the slightest as neither of them moved, but in her mind it stretched out nauseatingly the longer her silence continued. If she listened hard enough, she could even hear Gaara's sandy walls coming up around his heart to form an impenetrable defence against whatever she possibly said or responded with.

"I…" Holy shit, her bottom lip was quivering like crazy. To try and make up for her damning silence and emotional response, Sakura blurted out suddenly and without thinking a single word through, "I don't think you're thinking any of this through, Gaara. I know you said you didn't want to make any more mistakes, but does that really put us straight to the altar?" Just as he opened his mouth to respond, her heightened emotions spoke over him and shot out in a damn near manic ramble, "There's still so much that we haven't done and so much that we're still trying to figure out. I still have goals to complete and there's my apprenticeship with Tsunade-shishou and Team Seven and my parents and Ino and bringing–"

"Sakura, stop."

"I can't stop. If I stop now, then I'll be leaving on bad terms," she snapped emotionally, chest heaving. "I really want to be with you, Gaara, but marriage is…"

"Is?" he questioned quietly.

Thoughts failed to transform into words for what felt like an eternity, leaving Sakura to stare up at Gaara helplessly, because the last thing she wanted was to lose him. Just the thought of ending what they had caused her heart to ache viciously.

"…A lot," came her weak and lame reply.

"He proposed?" Tsunade demanded, all composure thrown out of the window.

They were no longer Hokage and subordinate as she gestured for Sakura to sit down opposite her, her not-so-secret stash of sake presented with a knowing expression. It was like Tsunade effortlessly picked up on the inner turmoil that was threatening to unravel Sakura completely and responded by sharing her beloved sake to try and ease the weight of everything getting her down. It would have made her laugh, had she not been so conflicted.

"You don't want to marry him," her shishou guessed.

But Sakura shook her head in disagreement, taking a deep breath before downing the sake. Within a few seconds, her dish was refilled. "I want to. Just… not right now."

The words had the older woman frowning prettily but she joined her student in the next shot rather than responding immediately, soon asking, "Why not?"

Because I'm toxic, a small voice hissed in her mind before she could squash it.

Like hell could she say that, though.

"So much will change," she whispered sadly, shaking her head when she was offered another serving. Two was her limit due to being such a lightweight – she wasn't opening herself up to embarrassing herself in front of someone like Tsunade. "There's so much I haven't done yet."

Tsunade's sigh was weary and told Sakura that she knew exactly where her head was at. "Such as bringing Uchiha Sasuke back to Konoha."

"Including bringing Sasuke-kun home," she corrected firmly and frowned down at her fidgeting hands. "There's plenty that I haven't achieved yet – most importantly, independence. I still live with my parents, Tsunade-shishou. I want to try living alone and fending for myself and finding myself in the process."

"You don't believe you could find yourself while married?"

Oh, she definitely could, but that wasn't the type of growth Sakura was ready for yet. She wanted to know how she managed with responsibility of living alone and covering bills. There was still so much growing that she had to do, so much independence yet to be claimed. How could she become independent when married?

Looking to her parents' marriage as an example, Sakura saw only one independent individual. Her mother was the tough one who made all of the family decisions and controlled the finances, who took control and guided the others. Then, there was her father. A man who wasn't exactly dependant on her mother, though evidently wasn't sure what to do with himself without the list of chores left behind for him or Mebuki's nagging voice. He followed her orders without hesitation – happily and willingly. He didn't care that they didn't make decisions together.

More than that, they did everything together. Everything. Sure, Sakura knew that not all couples were necessarily like that, but she knew she most likely would be. Who else did she know in Suna other than the Sand Siblings? Nobody. That meant Gaara would no doubt feel obligated to spend as much time with her as possible and she didn't want him to feel that way. She wanted their relationship to continue to feel natural and effortless.

Then there was the position she'd bled and cried for in Konoha that wouldn't mean shit over in Suna, since they hadn't witnessed her perseverance over the years and would believe any position given to her, was handed to her by her husband, the Kazekage.

Sakura didn't want that.

She wanted more time to prove herself not only to the people of Suna or Konoha, but herself more than anyone else. She wanted to be old as hell and to feel proud of her past and accomplishments, to not have any regrets for the paths she'd chosen. Marrying Gaara wasn't going to be a regret, Sakura knew in her heart that it wouldn't be, but she wanted to find herself before becoming half of somebody else – so that she could give him the best version of herself.

"You think I can?" she questioned weakly in response.

Pausing as though thinking her words over carefully, it took Tsunade several long moments to eventually tell her, "It doesn't really matter what others think – this decision is between the two of you and no one else."

"Shishou…"

She sighed, shutting her eyes. "It's not impossible to find individualism and yourself while committed to another. However, I do understand your reservations at this moment." Inhaling deeply, Tsunade finally looked back to her understandingly and Sakura felt the weight of her indecision crack in response. "Marrying Gaara will throw you headfirst into a new culture and traditions you never knew existed, into a new village with people who may not wholly agree with the marriage. It could potentially take away from the experience or put a dampener on the whole relationship, should the transition cause a great amount of stress for you."

That was one of the main causes for her hesitation and although Sakura had admitted as such, it relieved her massively to hear it coming from her shishou also. It let her know that her feelings of insecurity and uncertainty were valid.

"I will never be the type of leader who tells a person what to do with or in their personal lives, Sakura. I want you to follow your heart in this decision. Just…" Sighing as she trailed off, Tsunade considered her silently for a moment before saying softly, "Accepting Gaara's proposal will result in a huge change that may not be able to switch back as easily as you may believe, should things not work out. Follow your heart by all means, but don't do it blindly. Don't feel pressured into making the decision overnight. If Gaara's feelings are true, then he will understand your hesitation – however, you have to be open about how you're feeling, too. He won't know where you both stand or what he could do to help unless you're honest."

Gaara,

Hand stilling above the paper, Sakura felt her resolve crumbling.

Talking with Tsunade was as enlightening as she'd hoped it to be, but just as importantly, it relieved Sakura of the crushing weight that she and Gaara were in the wrong for sneaking around. It no longer felt like it had to be kept hidden or like they were doing something wrong by being together, although she certainly wasn't ready to tell her friends just yet.

She sighed before continuing with her writing, the words coming more easily than before. Admittedly, that was probably down to it being her seventh attempt at writing now and she eyed the scrunched up pieces of paper marred by furious scribbles with a huff of annoyance towards herself for struggling so much.

Just be honest, Sakura reminded herself.

Please understand that my hesitancy the other day wasn't down to not wanting to marry you. Our goodbye has been weighing heavily on my mind from the moment I left Suna and I wish I could have stuck around to better explain myself. However, the separation and time has finally helped me not only better understand my reservations but put them into simpler words that doesn't come off as manic ramblings like they had that morning.

There is still so much about me that you don't know – that I don't know either. We are so young, Gaara and the thought of marriage in general while we're still finding ourselves as individuals terrifies me.

Before I agree or disagree to your proposal, I feel like we really need to sit and talk. To ensure there are no ugly surprises down the road if nothing else.

Please, if you take nothing else from this letter, know that I'm not rejecting you or your proposal, Gaara. I'm scared that one day one or both of us could wake up and decide this isn't what we want anymore. Where would that leave us? Could we salvage our friendship if the relationship between us broke down?

More than anything, I can't lose you or our precious bond, but I understand if this isn't the response that you wanted.

I'm so sorry for the way we left things.

Sakura

Exhaling harshly, Sakura's head dropped back while she relished in the relief that rushed through her now that she was finally happy with what she'd written. Out of all her attempts, that was certainly the most coherent and while a little long-winded, didn't come across as rambling like everything else she'd said or thought up until that moment had.

Smiling, she rolled the letter up and sealed it with her chakra to keep it from being read by outsiders (once more reminding herself to thank Tsunade with another bottle of sake for not only okaying the secrecy, but for teaching her the technique also – the show of trust still had her grinning happily hours later).

Sakura hoped that Gaara understood her feelings, in particularly the uncertainty of not knowing who they were as individuals yet. They were still learning new things about themselves every day – at least, she knew that she was.

Sai's takes from her experiences of love were still very much to the forefront of her mind despite her attempts of pushing them aside, and now that it had been a considerable amount of time to think it all over rationally, she knew that it was something she had to confront head on. Not Sai per se, but more so why people saw her way of loving as toxic or naïve or any other kind of negative emotion.

She wanted to marry Gaara, but not as the person she currently was. She wanted to marry him as the best version of herself, to be someone he could rely on in times of need and trust to have his back in all situations, as simply being in love wasn't enough to sustain a healthy relationship. There was still so much that she had to face before that day, so that they could come together confident that there was nothing that could blindside them or come between them.

He deserved nothing less than her absolute best and she intended to give it to him.