REMEMBER – words and phrases in nonbold italics are what each man wrote and then crossed out. To read the story in its proper form, though, you should hop over to ArchiveOfOurOwn (same story title, author name is Ella_Greggs).

POSTMARKED: "War Stories"

Dear Dad,

I was so sorry to hear about what happened to you and mom and Victoria! These Alliance xié'è de húndàn! Thank you for telling me about it, Dad. I'm sure that was hard for you, but like you said, we should be honest with each other. Thank God they let you go! I guess now I get to worry about you just as much as you worry about us.

I face the same dilemma you do about this correspondence – if my crewmates discovered it, I'm sure they would insist we stop. Logically, I know it puts everyone at risk. So I also hide your letters carefully and constantly debate destroying them. But I can't bring myself to do it. We are so far apart physically, Dad, we're practically on the other end of the galaxy. God knows when we'll see each other again. But I feel so close to you through these letters. You and Mom are the only other people who remember how amazing River was before the Academy and know the full weight of what it will mean if when she is healed. I reread what you've written, and it eases my loneliness tremendously to know you both love and support us.

Enclosed is the picture River drew of matryoshkas. Pretty good, eh? Maybe I'll be able to get her some watercolors on the next commerce station we stop at. I think she'd enjoy using them better than crayons, which she told me the other day are "pigmented wax tools of prepubescent creativity." In other words, childish.

It's too early to determine if the new treatment I've devised for her is helping. We managed to steal get some essential medications from the hospital on Ariel and those, plus knowing now what I'm dealing with in terms of River's condition, can only be to our benefit. She's sleeping better and that is a very good sign. The new medication makes her vomit, but I'm not all that concerned about it – that's a common side effect of the body adjusting to medication changes. But her mood is still volatile and she still alternates between lucidity and delusion. River told me she hates the lucid moments, because she knows they will "go away" and the confusion will come again. When she said this, my heart nearly broke. All I could do was hold her close and reassure her things will get better. I sincerely believe that, but I still feel powerless when I see her so lost and upset.

I'm still analyzing the data to figure out exactly what and why the Alliance did this to River. To turn her into a psychic, apparently, but for what purpose? I can't help wondering, if I hadn't rescued her from the Academy, would they ever have let her go? You said these men who interrogated you had blue gloves. When she's upset, River sometimes mumbles "Two by two, hands of blue." It made no sense before, but now I'm sure she must be referring to those men, or people who work with them. You must be very careful, Dad. These men are evil, much worse than the regular military or federals. Maybe tell Clive to stand down – it's too dangerous for you to challenge them and you must keep yourselves safe. I know, I know – look who's talking!

And now I want need to tell you something that weighs heavy on me. I've crossed many lines since leaving home. From coordinating with rebel groups in the restricted zone to running from the law to actively participating in crime. But now I've crossed the last line – taking up a weapon to purposely harm another. I might have even killed people.

You see, a psychotic criminal, a devotee of Shan Yu, took the captain prisoner and tortured him. The whole crew (except for River), mounted an assault on the criminal's headquarters to rescue the captain. Just before we went in, our first mate said, "If it moves, shoot it," and that's what I did. It goes against the Hippocratic Oath, and, frankly, my own sense of morality, to take the lives of others. And I worried about getting killed, about leaving River all alone. But I owed the captain too much not to do my part.

I'm very conflicted about participating in such violence when I'm one of the instigators and not acting in self-defense. I wounded some people and it's possible I even killed a few. I'm honestly not sure. It all happened so fast and was so chaotic. I try telling myself they were bad people, henchmen to a psychopath, but who knows? Maybe some of them were like me, just caught up in a situation they couldn't get out of. This sadist who kidnapped the captain – I imagine anyone who works for him would think long and hard about trying to leave his employ. Just to give you a sense of what I mean, this man cut off the captain's ear! I reattached it later after the rescue was over, but you get the point.

It was a horrible experience, and not just for the danger I was in or the harm I may have inflicted, but also for what it's done to me inside. I became a doctor to save lives. I never in my wildest dreams imagined I'd be capable of causing any violence, let alone murder. I can't help but feel that when we return home, you won't recognize either your son or your daughter, we'll have changed so much. You say you're proud of me, but I myself am more ambivalent.

At least I was able to keep River well away from the gun battle.

I don't mean to be so grim. We have our fair share of good times here, too, believe it or not. There's a fine, comfortable fellowship among the crew, especially at mealtime. The other day, River and Kaylee played around like a pair of kids. River stole Kaylee's apple and Kaylee chased her all over the ship. They were both shrieking with laughter. It was a joy to see. I play games with the men – usually Go and Tall Card, but occasionally chess with the white-haired man or our pilot. There's even a woman here, a very calm, gentle, cultured woman, who knows how to do a proper tea ceremony; sometimes she invites River and me to join her.

All our love to you and Mom,

Simon (and River)

Dear Simon,

I have to confess your letter left me very upset. I knew your life on the Rim was extremely dangerous, but to hear you tangled with a devotee of Shan Yu! One reads about such sadists, but, just like Reavers, it's hard to comprehend they actually exist, let alone that you have to deal with them.

My mind reels at the thought of my son taking up arms, becoming a killer of men, in order to survive. As to you taking up arms, you must show your loyalty to the people who are helping you and your sister, that I completely understand. We will always love you, Simon, regardless of what you've been forced to do out there. We will always be proud of you for protecting River to the best of your ability. God knows I'm hardly the one to judge. After all, you're doing a far better job of it than I did when I blithely handed her over to those butchers at the Academy! You see, we both have our demons to grapple with.

Don't worry about us, Simon. Your mother and I are being very careful. If an acquaintance asks (which they almost never do), we say we've disowned you. We never discuss you or River in the house. We're not at all sure the house isn't being bugged, so we've started taking walks in the park. I believe someone may be following us when we go out, so even in the open air, we only allow ourselves to exchange a few hushed words about you. It's sad that your mother and I can't really console each other through this ordeal. All she could safely do after reading your last letter was whisper, "Tell him we love him no matter what."

It's funny you should advise me to drop the idea of a lawsuit against the authorities for our recent almost-arrest. Clive gave me the very same advice – don't antagonize them, keep a low profile. I know you think your old man is stubborn, but in this I've decided to listen to you both.

Being hauled down to police headquarters for questioning after your adventure on Ariel has restarted the gossip mill going in our social circle and we are once again persona non grata at parties and events. Your mother says she couldn't care less about those fair-weather "friends," and I'm actually relieved we don't have to socialize with anyone. I have no patience anymore. They are all trust so blindly in this system. Or perhaps they are afraid that they, too, could lose their reputations, their social or professional standing through association with us. After all, they may think, if it can happen to Regan and Gabriel Tam, it can happen to anyone.

Actually, our ostracism from society is rather well-timed. After your actions on Ariel, Mr. Badger informed it was getting too risky to maintain the letter exchange and if I wanted to keep going, the price of "postage" would increase. If we kept up our old lifestyle of regularly attending galas and concerts and the theater, I would have to draw too much money from my account and that might tip off the authorities. But as it is, I simply divert the money we would have spent on those events towards "postage" and my monthly withdrawal amounts don't change. Frankly, the reward for your capture is so high, it's a miracle Badger or one of these loathsome couriers hasn't betrayed us, yet. That's something I worry about constantly.

Victoria has left us. After that scare at the police station, she said she had to think of her children, and how could we insist she stay? She recommended we hire her sister Galina, and we're considering it. Galina doesn't know you, though. We're also considering just fending for ourselves. That's probably the safest option, although my cooking skills are pretty nonexistent, so I worry about giving your mother food poisoning. We could eat out, I suppose, although now we have to watch our budget more to afford "postage." Anyway, we'll figure out something.

I'm glad you and River are making friends among the crew. It sounds like she gets along with Kaylee very well. This woman who performs a proper tea ceremony also sounds like an interesting person. The people you describe (with the exception of the mercenary) are certainly not what I imagine when I think of a crew of criminals!

Thank you for sending the picture. It is a bittersweet reminder of our multi-talented darling girl. We were going to tuck it away with the rest of your letters, but decided it was worth the risk to frame and hang it in our bedroom. It's quite unlikely the authorities will notice if they return to search the house, and if they do, we can say she did it when she was younger and we're only just now putting it up to remind ourselves of happier days. They can't arrest us for loving you as children, can they?

My life is getting even more cloak and dagger, if you can believe it. I spotted someone trying to follow me yesterday as I made my way to the floating underground boxing match. It might have been a plain clothes policeman or soldier; I couldn't tell because it was at night and pretty dark. It could have just been a common thief. I managed to lose him. Still, I think it would be prudent to work out an alternative letter exchange with Badger. I don't know how long that will take, though. For reasons which I won't go into, you may not hear from me for a while. But don't worry, and know that you are constantly in my thoughts.

Love,

Dad