Oh, the irony.

The sharp clinical smell that accompanied alcohol wipes wafted through the air in his room as he sat at his desk. The only light came from the small lamp her kept on his desk, humming.

It must've been weeks sinve he was able to indulge like this, with no interuptions. His phone, sat across the room on his dresser on set on no distractions, even the blinking green light aas away from him.

Truthfully he should keep it like that most of the time. People text him for answers with his problems like he didn't have anything better to do with his time. One wrong number and now everyone wanted answers. . .

The needles glimmered and shined under the light, highlighting its perfect cleanliness. Only a dozen this time. He probably wasn't going to use all of them; TJ found he never did most of the time.

He wiped down his pocket knife, paying special attention to the base, because God knows he didn't want to deal with another infection. It took him a month and a round of antibiotics to fight it off, and that wasn't something he wanted to deal with again.

ZZZ

573-9284: can i get some advice Alias

: that's what people decided this # is for

573-9284: what would u do if you knew your friend was using steriods

: snitch

573-9284: but theyll hate me

: then dont

: in all srsness if their life is in danger you should tell regardless. let them be mad, their safety is more important.

ZZZ

With gloved hands, he picked up the first needle and held one end to the underside of his right arm. It was one one his favorite spots, though one he was only safety allowed to toy with during fall an winter. the rest of the year he was stuck with his thighs and stomach to keep the scars of his self harm out of sight.

It's not like anyone would be looking anyways. How many times have he walked into school after a night of 150 dollars well spent with a black eye and bandages and the extent of the attention he received were curious glances? But he wasn't complaining. Not having to lie made life easier.

He pressed down slowly increasing the pressure until the needle broke through the skin, a single bead of blood coming to the surface. It slid just under the skin, its indent clearly visible on the surface moving along as he pressed, until the sharp end pierced through the skin again, breaching to the surface. Once sure that both ends sticking out of his flesh were even, he picked up the next one.

ZZZ

982-4465: alias ive got this boyfriend and hes super cute and i like him but he wants to have sex n i keep telling him im not ready but he keeps insisting that its the right time

: dump him. hes actual garbage

982-4465: [is typing. . .]

: if that next message is telling me you love him i dont want to hear it

982-4465: but i do! ive never loved someone this much before what if hes the one?

: then there would be no if.

: you shouldnt have sex a second before youre ready. youll regret it. Youll find someone better i promise

ZZZ

He watched with morbid fascination as his blood trickled down his arms and soaked into the paper towels that covered his desk. It wasn't much, ending as soon as it started, but of course it would. It was only a warm up after all. All five of them. He clenched his fist, feeling the metal rub against the underside of his flesh with the tensing of his muscles.

He paused to catch is breath. The house was still as silent as when he began. Good. He could continue without interruptions. He placed his arm on the table with the impaled side facing down, the pressure causing it to bleed more.

ZZZ

453-0014: Alias, i want to show my gf that I really care about her for her bday, but i dunno how. it tried giving her roses and chocolate on our anniversary, but she doesn't seem impressed. what should I do

: roses and chocolates are such standard gifts, they barely mean anything anymore. you should get her something more personal. what's she like

453-0014: shes the super dainty type. her room is filled with flower prints and frills. shes like the definition of girly

: i think ive seen who youre talking about

:okay what youre gonna do is get her flowers, but not roses. flowers have different meanings, try getting her some asters or lilies. or try a bottle of her favorite perfume.

453-0014: omg i cant believe i havent thought about that. thanks alias

: np

ZZZ

That little two inch pocket knife was sharpened to perfection. Cutting through skin went as smoothly as a surgical incision. That was a double edged sword, TJ came to find. It cut too easily, and one small attention slip and he'd be cutting into the muscle. He knew. It happened more than once, accidentally and on purpose, when he was in a curious mood.

Like the day after they went over the layers of skin in anatomy class. Epidermis, dermis, and subcutaneous tissue. The only few things he remembered from that class. He wasn't even planning on doing anything that evening except for homework, but the topic cued his curiosity, and since he had what he needed, why not play surgeon and cut just a little deeper and bleed a little more than normal.

But not tonight. No, instead, TJ decided that a collection of simple cuts on his forearm was plenty enough, though he got carried away and couldn't say exactly how many new cuts he had. Somewhere between 10 and 20, all bleeding and coloring his skin red as they burned and stung as the open air got to them.

A slice that deep would mean a visit to the ER and he didn't want to deal with the nurses and doctors. The last time he had to get through their patronizing talks about 'unhealthy habits for those his age'. No, those might have to wait until he's older and on his own health insurance.

ZZZ

228-1983: Ive never done this before. . .is this Alias?

: Yep.

228-1983: Oh, okay. I have this problem. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed and have been for a while and i'm on antis, but the only thing that makes me feel better is cutting myself, esp when im stressed. i know its bad but i dont know what to do about it

: You need to tell your parents. cutting yourself not healthy.

228-1983: but i dont want them to worry Alias

: theyre your parents its their job to worry about you.

: maybe your meds arent working bc they're the wrong kind for you, theres like a dozen and a half different kinds.

: theyll be relieved that you told them about this before you did something more dangerous

228-1983: im scared, Alias

: i imagine so.

: but I think you should tell them. They already know about the depression since youre on antis. they might not expect it but getting help for that is part of the whole treatment process.

ZZZ

With the bandages securely wrapped around his arms, and his skin throbbing from the cuts and cleaning, TJ slid the small toolbox back under his bed. He leaned back in his chair, scrolling through his phone. Now he was bored. But it was getting late, so going to bed would be okay, right?

Now that thins were over with, he was left a bit unsatisfied. He was hoping that the extra hour would solve his growing discontent with his activities as of late, but it didn't. He mulled over the idea of him being bored. Not with the self harm itself but with what he limited himself to.

It was safe, at least in his opinion, others might differ but they didn't have to know. But safe is all too often boring, as he was finding out now. Really, though, how could he shake things up, so to speak? There wasn't much left for him to cut up and stab, except his face.

Or neck.

He hummed, running his fingers over his throat, feeling his resting pulse under his fingertips.