In the Wake of What Follows
Chapter Six: Packed Up Past
Even before the summer, even before the car crash that caused her heart to stop, Terra was never very good at social situations. Anything larger than a small group of a couple of close friends and Terra became quickly overwhelmed.
Eating meals with everyone already at the temple had been a chore most days. They were kind and loved to tell her stories without expecting much in return, but Terra still struggled with even that much attention. Especially now, unwilling and unwanting to try the way she might have at college parties, the growing crowd was a circus to avoid.
Growing up, Terra had learned lots of tricks to be polite and demure for her mother's events. Enough for others to see her and tell her she's lovely and to move on. Terra didn't have the energy to be demure anymore. She couldn't play the perfect daughter to these strangers.
The first to arrive was Kuwabara's sister. Shizuru was tall for a Japanese woman, all legs and perfect hair. Compared to her brother's loud liveliness, Shizuru was quietly whip-smart and had perfected the deadpan insult. Needless to say, they got along easily, neither talking much and able to enjoy each other's silences. Terra did catch Shizuru sharing her cigarette with Genkai once. "Let the old woman have her vices," Shizuru said when Terra called her out on it. "Lord knows I would rather die enjoying myself than giving up stuff for a few extra months of life."
Terra brought it up to Genkai the next time she saw the old woman struggle to breathe. "I've lived longer than I ever expected to," she told Terra. "A few cigarettes isn't going to be the death of me at this point."
She supposed the two of them were right, but that didn't mean Terra had to like it.
Despite the smoking, Shizuru was easy enough to tack onto Terra's list of companions. It was the others that made the temple impossible to navigate. The rest of the Kuwabara family shared more of the groom's personality, and it was impossible to go anywhere without bumping into someone. They brought too much of the outside world she had been trying to escape. She made herself as scarce as possible during the day, thankful that training took up most of it. When Terra couldn't sleep at night, she stopped venturing around because Kuwabara's father stayed up drinking with the aunts and uncles. She took her meals in her room and didn't stay in the kitchen long enough for even Yukina to talk to her.
Three days before the wedding, the first non-human guest arrived. Botan was not what Terra was expecting when Yusuke had said there were "spirits." They looked entirely human except for Botan's bright blue hair. She was bubbly and bright, possibly more excited about the wedding than Kuwabara. She and Shizuru were thick as thieves in perfect contrast to each other, and they spent most of their time convincing Keiko to take a break from the preparations.
Genkai let Terra beg off a day to take a break from the guests. Besides, there was something Terra needed to get done in the city.
Terra left early the morning before the wedding with only a near-empty backpack, the charm around her neck, and her iPod playing soothing music in her ears. The journey to the bottom of the mountain was about thirty minutes in itself, and then she made her way to the train station. The music helped her drown out the world around her, having to face civilian life again for the first time in a month.
After Terra decided to come to the temple, she settled all of her fiscal and legal obligations. She rewrote her will, she canceled anything she needed to be making payments on, she turned in her one month notice to her landlord, and she packed up her life.
There was a storage unit just outside of Tokyo that had all the things Terra didn't think she was ready to let go of completely. Most of the things Terra kept were practical, like kitchen appliances, furniture, and clothes. She hadn't inherited the pack-rat gene from her mother's side of the family and had gotten rid of anything she didn't want or need for when she left Genkai's – whenever that would be.
Still, the sight of all her old things gave her a bit of homesickness. Her storage unit was lined with shelves and racks full of reminders of a life she had lost. Besides the practical, there was still plenty of her things she simply couldn't get rid of. Had Terra the will, she could have spent hours going through the trunk in one corner, or the photo albums. There were heirlooms passed to her from her parents, all the things Jeremy had left at her apartment, even an awfully terrible painting Conner had made her a couple of years back when he was drunk. Terra looked at everything that was exposed enough to cause her a reaction and pushed it down. She couldn't bear to reminisce.
There was a reason she came here, and Terra was going to get it done as quickly as possible.
Terra went to the racks she had lined with clothes in storage bags. Despite her tomboy tendencies, Terra once had an actual sense of fashion. She'd been living in sweats and yoga pants for so long, picking out a dress from her old wardrobe was kind of daunting. Alas, a polyester blend track shirt and the one pair of jeans Terra had brought to the temple didn't seem like proper attire to the wedding.
It seemed silly to come all the way out there just for an outfit. It probably would have been simpler to have gone to the town at the base of the mountain and buy something. Still, the idea had turned her off. Adding something to her life felt like being sucked back into a world that didn't want her. Keeping her old things just-in-case gave her similar feelings of being tethered to her past, but hard as she tried, she couldn't let everything go. There was a hypocritical undertone to her logic, but she couldn't seem to settle her thoughts about it.
After carefully folding her chosen dress into her bag, Terra turned to one of the nearby shelves. All the jewelry her mother had ever bought her was tucked neatly away in an array of specialty boxes. She chose a set and placed it in her bag.
And that was it. She didn't need anything else. Terra looked around the cramped metal room. She didn't want anything else. Terra stood in the midst of her things, unable to move away for some time. This was her life. This had been her life for so long, and she had packed it all away into one neat little box. It took up almost no space at all.
Terra took a deep breath and forced herself to move until the metal door was firmly shut and locked.
She stopped into a chain and got herself a burger that Genkai would probably be proud of despite how terrible it was for the body. She contemplated if there was anything else she needed to get done in the city. Would it be improper if Terra didn't buy a wedding gift? She pondered what she would even get a couple she had only really known for a month. Terra supposed that at the very least she should pick up a bottle of wine. Maybe grab a few new books to read for all the mornings she woke up too early.
Terra explored one of the nearby shopping centers, wasting her time before her train trip back to the mountain. She looked over dumb gift ideas. Yukina would appreciate something useful but also pretty. Maybe something for the kitchen. Kuwabara's interests laid more in martial arts and video games. The couple was surprisingly stereotypical despite one of them not being human.
As she thumbed over a nice set of chopsticks, someone called her name. Terra turned instinctively to the voice. A short Japanese girl zigged her way through the shopping center's many stalls, gaining odd looks from passersby.
"Terra!" she exclaimed again once they were face to face. Her wide eyes were hurt and worried and relieved all at the same time.
"Miyako. Hi."
Without another word, the girl wrapped her arms tightly around Terra and held her for some time before speaking again. "Oh my god! Where have you been?" Miyako pulled away but still held onto Terra's arms. The contact made Terra feel uncomfortable, but she didn't push Miyako away. "You disappeared. I tried calling, but your number's been disconnected. I was up in Kyoto for work and couldn't come try and find you." Her eyes began to swell with tears. Before Terra could soothe the frantic girl, Miyako went on talking. "I contacted all your school friends and nobody knew what happened to you."
"Miyako, we're getting looks," Terra said. "Let's go somewhere, okay?"
Miyako let go and pushed her palms into her eyes. "Yeah, okay."
The pair made their way to a cafe a block past the shopping center. The servers all wore cute pink aprons and pinstriped dresses like something out of an American fifties diner. It was cute and cheery, at perfect dichotomy to the atmosphere between the two girls. They sat in silence as Miyako calmed her self down. Terra rubbed the cold from her cheeks as they waited for the waitress.
"I wasn't expecting to see you in this part of town," Terra admitted. She didn't mean to be the one to break the silence, but it was true. The storage unit Terra bought wasn't near her apartment or the university they had both gone to. She didn't want to have to go back to her old neighborhood if and when she was ready to make a real life for herself. Ever since her second run-in with the same demon, Terra was done with that part of Tokyo.
"I've been apartment hunting. It's taken me around everywhere. I couldn't believe it when I saw you," she said with a watery smile.
"A fate's encounter. I'm only in town for the one day." Terra half attempted to calculate the odds. She had been good with statistics, but she usually had a calculator to do them. "How… how have you been?"
Miyako cleared her throat. "Fine. I've been. I've been okay."
The waitress came over then. She bowed and asked if they were ready to order. Terra and Miyako each ordered a specialty coffee – in a to-go cup on Terra's part. They lulled back into silence when the waitress left.
The two of them hadn't been super close before. Miyako and Conner had dated for less than a year. Enough time for them to get to know each other, to have her around for a few major events, but in the end, they hadn't shared any classes at university and they had never hung out just the two of them before.
"When I got back to town, I went to your apartment, but your landlord said you had let your lease go," Miyako said.
Terra was surprised. She hadn't even realized Miyako knew where she had lived. When Terra had been isolating herself in her apartment, she hadn't even considered the possibility that anyone would be this worried about her. Lorraine had flown in from Australia, but she also had to collect Jeremy's things. The trip wasn't just to make sure her dead son's girlfriend was holding up. It wasn't that Terra didn't have other friends, but none that she hung out with as often as her boyfriend and his best friend. Out of all her classmates, she didn't know how many of them even heard about the incident since school had let out.
Terra supposed she shouldn't have been so surprised that Conner's ex found out and wanted to check in on the only survivor. She probably still loved him, in her own way, despite the breakup. Learning about Conner's death must have shaken Miyako in ways Terra hadn't even thought of until now.
The waitress came back with their drinks, and Miyako took a long sip to calm herself further down. Seeing Terra in the shopping center had shaken Miyako more than either of them would have expected.
Miyako tucked a fallen strand of hair behind her ear and gave Terra a strained smile. "I like your hair," she said, setting down her mug. "The short looks good on you. My face is too round for anything other than this," she said, nervously twirling the ends of her long curls. "But you look good. Really. You lost weight." Unlike Genkai's disapproving tone, Miyako said it happily as a congratulation. "You're all toned up now. Must be working out a lot."
Terra sighed and nodded her head. Miyako cleared her throat, a sign she was about to get serious again.
"Everyone from school thought you might have killed yourself," she said softly. "I was really worried when I couldn't leave Kyoto to come look for you. By the time I got back to Toyko after my internship ended, you were gone. I didn't think you would have moved all your things out so considerately if you had offed yourself."
The attempt at levity failed. Terra shifted in her seat and tried to figure out what to say. "Right." The idea that people thought about her after her disappearance was surreal when the outside world had all but ceased to exist to her months ago.
"You never said, what have you been doing all this time," Miyako prodded.
"I, uh, I settled all of my debt from school." Terra had used up most of her parent's life insurance on it. She was still well off. Her great grandfather had been a shareholder in Nintendo before they started making video games. It was what helped fund her family for generations. What a waste. Terra was alone, with no ambitions, sitting on money that she'd inherited and had no interest in spending it on anything. Maybe she should look into charities. "I didn't really do much of anything for a while," she continued. At least she hadn't needed to try and work during the months she couldn't manage to leave her apartment. "Now I'm on a bit of a retreat."
"A retreat?"
Terra gave Miyako a small smile. "I needed to get away, Miyako. After everything, I couldn't continue being normal. So, I'm getting help," it was close to the truth. "I've been living in a mountain temple for the last month. Just, bare necessities. The only electronic I brought with me was my iPod."
"Can't live without music," she agreed. "How long are you going to stay there?"
It was a good question. Terra still didn't know herself. She shook her head and sighed again. "As long as I need to, I suppose," she offered as a weak response. "I haven't really thought it out that far."
Terra looked at the clock on the far wall. She needed to go if she wanted to make it back to the temple before nightfall. "It's been nice seeing you, Miyako. I'm really sorry I worried you."
She gave a kind smile in return. Terra wondered how the other girl had dealt with the death of the man she had only just broken up with. Perhaps Miyako needed someone who knew Conner to talk to about the situation.
Terra didn't ask. It weighed on her shoulders only long enough to reach the train station. By then, she had immersed herself back into her music and shoved her past firmly behind her again.
When Terra arrived at the top of the steps, the Kuwabara family was drunk and laughing after a good dinner. Despite the winter weather, most of them were outside horsing around. Terra had to make her way through them to get inside.
This was easier said than done. One of them – a portly man with a mass splattering of freckles, pulled Terra into a side hug and forced a beer into her hands. "Drink up!" he cheered. "My boy's getting married in the morning!" The rest of the family cheered in response.
"Come on, Dad, let the poor girl go."
Shizuru stared down her father until he cowed away with a laugh. Terra put the unopen beer down on the porch railing.
"Sorry 'bout that. They forget about personal space when they've had too much. Kinda pissed my lil' bro even invited the mess of them." She took a swing of her own beer, rolling her eyes. "I'm the one that goddamned raised him."
Terra hadn't heard much about the other wedding guests. Kuwabara had brought up his father and his aunts and uncles and cousins. Unlike his friends – the ones from his school and college days and the demons they had all allied with – Kuwabara hadn't spoken about his family before. They had been there for days, and yet Terra hadn't had a conversation with any of them except Shizuru. Clearly, she wasn't happy about the rest of them being there. She was drunk and complaining – always a sign of truth in a person's words.
Shizuru sighed. "Just get inside before another one spots you without a drink in hand," she laughed. Terra did as she was told, but didn't get much further before another person stopped her.
"Terra?" The calm voice was unmistakable, even though she hadn't heard it in half a year. Kurama walked out of the kitchen with a smile on his face. The demon hadn't changed since she last saw him. His hair was still too shinny and eyes too green, but his smile wasn't as reserved as the ones he had given her before. "The hair suits you," he said. His eyes took in her appearance with a calculating manner that unnerved her. "I must say, I was surprised to hear you had come back."
"Surprised to be back," she said, rubbing the back of her head and messing with the short strands. "Better here than trying to function in normal society, I guess." She looked down the hall and wondered how much longer until she could just get to her room.
"You've gotten much stronger," Kurama remarked. When Terra looked at him again, he had the same ghost smile from the first time they met.
"You can tell?" she asked, surprised.
To the people who had been around to see her improvement, it seemed normal. To hear this from Kurama didn't make any sense. How could he tell? Kurama nodded and smiled his affirmation, as if it were as simple as noting the change in her hair.
"Well, I'm not strong enough, according to Genkai. I've never been so fit in my life, so I guess I'm not complaining, but still." She sighed and glanced back down the hall. "It's so weird that you guys can do that. Sense somebody's strength."
"You've been here a month, correct?"
Terra nodded and leaned back against the wall.
"If you keep improving at this rate, I'm sure you'll be reading energies in no time."
Terra shook her head. "Maybe. But I'm never going to be as strong as Genkai wants me to be." Terra was a survivor, even when she didn't plan to be. She was ready to fight, a kitchen knife in her jacket pocket, when she had thought she needed to. But, Genkai was training her like a soldier – readying her for a battle rather than teaching how to protect herself. Terra shouldn't be surprised. She came to a temple in the mountains to be trained by a psychic instead of taking self-defense lessons at the community center. "I don't know if I can be what she's trying to make me. I'll probably plateau by spring." If she stayed that long.
Kurama smiled again, one of his more real smiles. "Why don't you join us?" he offered, indicating behind him. Yusuke and Kuwabara could be heard laughing in the kitchen as other voices chatted happily.
Terra pushed herself off the wall and shook her head. "I'm not one for happy company," she admitted. She gave Kurama a rueful smile as a way of apology and then headed to her room.
Hiei was at home. Terra could feel his energy as she turned down the east hall. Maybe when the wedding was over and the guests left, she would take up Kuwabara's original offer and switch rooms.
The amount of noise from everyone, although quite a bit away, was still loud enough to keep Terra awake. A part of her wanted to get up and join them – the part of her that was lonely and didn't want to feel left out. The rest of her was stronger. The part of her that was a natural recluse and the part of her that couldn't stand to be around so much jubilance when she was mucked down by her own depression won out.
In defeat, Terra put in her headphones and slept. It was a broken sleep. Between fits of rest, she stared at the dark wall opposite her futon. Maybe for hours, maybe for minutes. At least she had no nightmares.