AN: South Park, Tweek and the underpants gnomes reference! Obviously the song sung is what they sing, only I alter it just a bit to fit.

Reviews: Thanks to Autobot Firekat, Noella50881, Fk306 animelover, Rockubyebaby, TransformerJunkie, KayNine0, and Jacqueline Walker for reviewing!
BrownEyedShamer: No, I've never seen anything else with Miles and Barricade interacting the way I have them interacting in my stories. Which is sad, I love these two together, haha. Might be why I like writing it so much. If they did end up together I think it would balance out well. Miles wouldn't have a problem saying the L word, while Barricade would. Mech already had enough trouble saying it when it was just like haha!

Edit: I really need to get a beta or start reading over these! I keep finding all these mistakessss. Ignore those, please, I just don't tend to bother to read my work!

Chapter 34
Red Alert and the nefarious Gnomes
AKA
Don't mess with Barry(and other assorted Decepticons)

Miles wasn't happy, not in the least. For once the Autobots had managed to keep it on the down low that one of them was coming in, and it had been announced to the whole NEST base just an hour before the mech was brought it. And due to the nature of this mech the humans were ordered to the human section of NEST so as not to set the mech off just yet.

Naturally he and Sam had snuck away from Will when the older man wasn't looking, and had gone in search of why the humans were ordered to hide themselves. When they found Ironhide with Orion, they had used the sparkling against the large Weapons Specialist, and managed to get the information off of him.

The mech's name was Red Alert, and he was the Security Director of the Ark. He apparently had a glitch that would make him severely suspicious of many things, and the fact that they actually had Decepticons on the base didn't help at all.

After promising Ironhide that they would return to the human side of NEST, they split up and went off in search of the new arrival, both promising to contact the other when one found him.

And this was why Miles had come to find himself outside of what the human's had nicknamed the Security hub or Communications office, standing next to the door and actually using whatever was going on with him to listen in on the Cybertronian being spoken.

"Yes, Autobot, I am fully aware that I have operational weapons and know how to use them. Thank you for pointing this out." Barricade.

"This won't do at all! He could attack all of us! What of the sparkling? Or the tiny organics?" A new voice, one Miles assumed to be Red Alert.

"I, as the CMO, decided to give him back his operational weapons, Red Alert." Ratchet. "He was left defenseless during a Decepticon attack, and I figured we need all the help we can get if another one happens."

Miles continued to listen in, texting Sam to get over to where he was quick. He frowned as what Red Alert was saying just got more and more preposturous, to the point where Ratchet told Prowl to comm Inferno to come back from his patrol early. Apparently Inferno was the only one who could actually calm Red Alert down before he actually full out glitched.

He was momentarily distracted by his phone going off, and reading the text message. During that time he couldn't understand what was being said, as he was too busy trying not to laugh. Sam had been caught by Will, and dragged back to the human side of the base.

He was startled when Barricade suddenly left the communications center, and stared down at him. He grinned sheepishly back up at the Neutral, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Don't suppose if I say I got lost you'll believe me?" Miles asked, putting on his best innocent face.

Barricade reached down, and swept Miles up in his servo, bringing the teen up closer towards his face. "I don't believe I need to answer that."

Miles was just about to whine, and pull off the 'I'm adorable, do what I want or deal with the bitching' face, when Prowl stuck his head out of the room, and raised an optic ridge.

"How am I not surprised?" The SIC asked dryly. "Barricade, bring him in here. Prime thinks its time Red Alert meets an organic.

Miles grinned triumphantly, and settled himself in a more comfortable position as Barricade vented lightly, and reentered the room. Whatever the teen had been suspecting would happen, it certainly wasn't being stolen from Barricade's grasp in less than a second, and then being intensely scrutinized by the new mech. Even less so to be turned this way and that, poked and prodded.

"Hey, yeah, just a little fleshy here. Stop the poking, please. We bite."

From the way Red Alert froze and Ratchet groaned, Miles guessed that was the wrong thing to say. He knew it for a fact when Red Alert started speaking in rapid fire Cybertronian, and trying to search Miles for any other weapons he might have.

To say the teen was relieved when Barricade took him back was an understatement, and he hoisted himself up on to Barricade's shoulder in the hopes of the threat of Barricade biting might make Red Alert stay away.

The resulting tirade had Miles openly gaping at the paranoid SD. It was a bit funny when Red Alert brought Miles into questioning, going through everything from secretely working with Starscream, to being a Witch Doctor. Miles still wasn't sure what Red Alert had been searching for to find that on the internet. What shocked him was all the stuff the new mech said against Barricade.

In the back of his mind, where he kept that stupid sensible voice called his concious, it was saying that Red Alert was only being logical in his wariness as the SD. The rest of his mind, however, was less then pleased. Especially when Ratchet caved and agreed to take Barricade's weapons away again until Red Alert himself approved, or Prime overrided the paranoid's mech decision after a certain amount of time. It was made even worse when Barricade didn't even bother fighting over the matter.

In a matter of minutes Barricade was reduced to restricted movement in the base, and no weapons. Soundwave and the cassettes had even less movement than he did.

Prowl must have seen the look on Miles' face, because the SIC grabbed the teen and placed him securely on his own shoulder. Then proceeded to whisper harshly, "Do not do anything to Red Alert, Miles."

"Oh, Prowl, I won't do anything to Red Alert. Scout's honor." Miles promised, giving Prowl his best innocent look.

After all, he'd only be doing certain things to Red Alert, and even those Miles would try to make sure wouldn't be connected to him personally. At least at first. No mech would get away with messing with his Barry. And the other Decepticons on base.

"I think you're being too paranoid, big Red." Miles said, as Red Alert eyed him warily.

Red Alert made a sound like clearing his throat, "Yes, perhaps." He allowed that much, before narrowing his optics. "Then again it could all be a plot to get us to trust him before he turns on us."

"Ugh." Miles groaned. "Think of it this way, Bumblebee's an even match for Barricade. Ironhide could probably end up winning. Optimus could kick his aft hands down. How would you feel if you were stripped of your weapons around people that you weren't guranteed would leave you alone? And now you can't even go everywhere you want to."

"I am not in that position, nor would I be. As for how Barricade feels, I do not care. It is the safety of the Autobots that I work for, not the emotions of a glitched Decepticon."

If Red Alert had known Miles better, he might have noticed the warning scowl, before it was replaced with another expression. As it was, the SD just passed it off as Barricade being Miles' guardian and therefore the teen caring about how the Neutral feels.

The teen entered the room slightly wary, and once he did he nearly walked right back out as he stared with a purely gobsmacked expression. Sideswipe sat in all his bipedal glory on a chair, which in itself wasn't unusual, but on his lap, curled up like a cat and being petted, was Fig. The two stared at him from beihind the desk, and Miles open and closed his mouth several times, doing his best imitation of a fish.

After a moment, Sideswipe began to laugh. "Told you his reaction would be worth embarrassing yourself."

"You better have taken a picture." Fig grumbled in reply, quickly righting himself and climbing out of the yellow twin's lap.

Miles blinked a few times, before grinning.

"Y'know, I think I saw that in Rugrats once."

Sideswipe huffed, "I was aiming for the Godfather. I think."

"Right." Miles snorted, waving at Fig as the soldier left the room. "Anyway, I've come for your... assistance."

Sideswipe leaned forward, rested his elbows on the table, clasped his servos together, and leaned his chin on his servos. He waited for Miles to continue.

"I've been thinking that our little SD reminds me of someone from South Park." Miles grinned.

"Tweek?" And Sideswipe smirked. Miles was happy, it looked like he wouldn't need to explain his idea after all.

Red Alert stared at the screen before him. The time showed 0230. Then he slowly shuttered and unshuttered his optics several times. When the image didn't go away, he turned up the sound.

"Time to go to work, work all day, search for datapads, hey! We won't stop until we have datapads! Yum yum yummy yum yay! Time to go to work, work all night, search for datapads, hey! We won't stop until we have datapads! Yum yum yummy yum yay!"

A quick internet search helpfully informed him as to what the tiny creatures were. Gnomes. Said Gnomes had not only broken into the NEST base, but were currently marching in two strait lines. One line was flowing into Prowl, the Second in Command's office, and the other line was flowing out. Each of the gnomes in the out line were carrying datapads.

Oh Primus. They were after the datapads.

And nefariously singing.

"Red Alert, for the last time there is no such thing as a gnome. Especially ones that steal datapads, for Primus' sake. Listen to yourself!" Ratchet scowled, waving a wrench around in the air in a threatening manner.

"But..." Red Alert protested weakly. Had it all been a bad recharge cycle?

That was when Prowl stuck his head in the room, growling and doorwings in a sharp 'V' formation. "Ratchet, where's Sideswipe?"

"What now?"

"I went into my office this morning and all my datapads were gone." At Red Alert's gasp Prowl paused. Ratchet looked down at Red Alert disbelievingly. "Yes, I know, Red. I immediately went and checked the cameras. At 0230 Sideswipe is seen sneaking into my room and making several trips to get them out."

Ratchet snorted, "See, Red? Just a bad recharge cycle. Nothing's wrong with you."

"But the gnomes..." Red Alert whimpered.

Red Alert tried desperately not to glitch. It was the same time as before. 0230. Just to be safe, he shuttered and unshuttered his optics slowly.

"Time to go to work, work all day, search for little Decepticons, hey! We won't stop until we have Decepticons! Yum yum yummy yum yay! Time to go to work, work all night, search for little Decepticons, hey! We won't stop until we have Decepticons! Yum yum yummy yum yay!"

This time the procession of gnomes were carrying the recharging forms of Ravage, Buzzsaw, Laserbeak, and Ratbat from Soundwave's quarters. Red Alert checked, and saw that Sondwave was in the human rec-room with Barricade, Miles, Sideswipe, and Sam. Sam and Sideswipe were currently facing each other at Mario Kart, and Miles was talking animatedly to both Soundwave and Barricade.

The next chorus of the nefariously sung song caused Red Alert to violently twitch. He reached for the alarm button, but just before he could hit it the world went black.

"Soundwave, Soundwave!" Red Alert went racing down the halls after he had woken back up. Reaching the human side of NEST he quickly activated his holoform, and continued running. "Your cassettes! The Gnomes have them!"

He had reached the human rec-room by now, and it's occupants all turned to stare at him. Soundwave was the first to speak.

"Cassettes: In room. Status: Recharging."

Sideswipe stood up from his spot on the floor next to Sam, walking over to Red Alert slowly as the SD gaped at Soundwave and sputtered. "It's okay, Red. Let's take you down to Ratchet, alright?"

"But... The Gnomes... singing... cassettes..."

Sideswipe gripped Red Alert's holoform's shoulders firmly and steered him out of the room.

"That was weird." Sam said, watching their retreating forms.

Miles nodded his head, trying to hide his slight smirk. The only one to notice it was Soundwave, and he decided to question Ravage and Ratbat later. Ratbat especially couldn't normally keep something from his creator.

After his last glitch, Ratchet had confined Red Alert to the medbay for a week. When it passed with no more Gnome incidents, he had let the disgruntled SD free. Now Red Alert was walking through the halls, stopping when he heard the Gnome's song being hummed. Startled, he looked for the source, and found it in the form of Sam Witwicky.

"Aha!" He picked up the young teen faster than he could blink, rushing off to Prowl's office with him.

"What the frag? Red Alert, put me down!" Sam struggled, yelling at the SD with no luck.

Red Alert stormed into Prowl's office, and dropped Sam down on the desk. "He's working with the gnomes! He was humming their song!"

Sam gaped up at Red Alert, "I was humming an old minor's song!"

Prowl looked between the two, venting softly.

"Sam, what are the lyrics?"

"Uh.. lemme think..." Sam trailed off, thinking of them. Then he sang it softly, "Time to go to work, work all day, mine for coal, hey! We won't stop until it's time for lunch! Yum yum yummy yum yay! Time to go to work, work all night, mine for coal, hey! We won't stop until it's time for dinner! Yum yum yummy yum yay!"

"That is prepostorous! Prowl, he's lying to us!"

Red Alert fumed silently, pacing the length of his room. Prowl had dismissed his claims of Sam being in cohorts with the gnomes, but Red Alert knew better. He now made sure to have a camera trained on Sam at all times.

No one believed him. Well then, he'd just have to catch one of the gnomes and prove that NEST had a gnome infestastion. Then they'd all see.

It turns out that catching a gnome was a lot harder than Red Alert anticipated. He almost held a tiny amount of respect for the tricky little pit spawns. But that wouldn't mean he'd allow them to stay on his NEST base.

Red Alert was beginning to think that something was either seriously wrong with him, or that the tiny creatures were even better than Jazz and Ravage. He was leaning towards the theory that the tiny creatures were even better than two of Cybertron's best spys. He had run several self diagnostics, and Ratchet had too. Nothing had come up.

Datapads, the Cassettes, books, Wheeljacks collection of arachnids, zylophones, all the yellow paint, the X-men movies and other assorted X-men related items, all of Ratbat's toy collection of wombats, Jazz's venacular, the urinals, and all of the turnips. The human males had been less than pleased to find all the urinals gone, Ratbat was devastated, as was Sunstreaker. And Red Alert was still uncertain how the gnomes had taken Jazz's venacular, but the saboteur was now speaking like everyone else. The only order he could make of it was that the gnomes were going backwards in the alphabet starting from D. And that they always appeared at 0230.

Tonight would be S, and he would be ready for them. He had everything gathered, he just needed to know where.

Red Alert was watching the screens intently. It was almost time, but where were the gnomes? Just then a note taped to the wall caught his eye. How hadn't he noticed it before? He picked it off and read it.

You might be working for your own safety soon, Red Alert.

He heard a noise outside the door and froze. It was at this point that he realized something. S. His title started with s.

"Time to go to work, work all day, search for Security Director's, hey! We won't stop until we have SD's! Yum yum yummy yum yay! Time to go to work, work all night, search for Security Director's, hey! We won't stop until we have SD's! Yum yum yummy yum yay!"

Slowly he turned around, just as the door slid open and the first gnome entered.

The base wide alert had everyone, those who weren't already awake anyway, wide awake and, well, alert.

Prowl, Sideswipe, and Sunstreaker quickly went to the human section of the base and met some of the tiny organics outside of the barracks. Epps, Will, Fig, and Graham were already armed and ready. Miles and Sam were just standing there.

None of them expected to see Red Alert come racing up in his alt mode, transform into his bipedal form, and then go running screaming something about gnomes and in between that he was apologizing profusely. They all watched with wide eyes as the mech slammed into a wall, then fell to the ground, sparks flying from his head.

Sideswipe and Miles looked at eachother with wide eyes and wide optics. Then the two began to laugh.

Prowl narrowed his optics at the both of them, "Brig. Now."

The next morning everyone pretty much knew the whole story. It helped that a video was made by Sideswipe, and sent to every mech and every computer. The only thing he didn't say was what human had the idea.

Of course Sam, Will, Epps, Fig, and Graham all knew this. So did Bumblebee. When Barricade came in, they found out that he apparently did not know just yet.

"Where's the fleshling?" The Neutral asked, sitting in between Bumblebee and Sam. He wasn't worried, it was just odd that the teen wasn't in any of his usual spots, and hadn't bothered to seek him out yet.

Bumblebee raised an eyebrow while Sam snorted, "The Autobot brig."

"Why?"

"He apparently had something against big Red." Sam grinned, raising his cup of coffee as if to toast the prank. "I love Miles, I really do. Red screamed something about gnomes and was apologizing about his treatment of the Decepticons and Neutral on base in the same breath."

Barricade blinked a few times, and then had to fight to try to hide a smirk. He wasn't the only one.

"I think purple would really bring out the walls of this place." Miles commented idly while laying on Sideswipe's chest plates, just over his spark. As the brig was basically in the basement of NEST, though this basement was located several miles under ground, it was a bit cold.

Sideswipe nodded, so Miles continued. "We should suggest that to Prowl when he comes back. How long will that be, anyway?"

"Well, normally he isn't against skipping rations for a mech, but humans do need to actually eat more and keep up their energy. So I'd say about lunch time."

"Ugh." Miles whined, sitting up and giving a gentle tug at the metal circling his wrist. The chain rattled, but didn't give. "Did he have to cuff me to you?"

"Well, it's long enough to be comfortable. My ped is chained to the berth, so that even if I reach you can't just slip through the bars." Sideswipe smirked, poking the teen. "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, little buddy."

Miles huffed, and swatted the offending digit away, before resuming his original position on Sideswipe's chest, and glaring moodily at the ceiling.

It was silent for a few minutes, before Sideswipe spoke up again.

"Blue."

Miles cursed softly, "Frag, you're right. Blue would be way better."