In the Wake of What Follows
Chapter Twelve: Respect
Terra was restless all night through. She refused to leave her room, despite the itch to move and dance or find stillness on the roof. That was a risk of running into Hiei, however, so she stayed in. Terra read, but soon finished the last novel she had. She thought of looking over the books Genkai gave her, but she wasn't in the right mindset to study.
The forest outside her window was painted blue under the sliver of moonlight above. She stared at the trees and the way the darkness quickly swallowed them. The empty weight in her chest felt as if it would swallow her whole, as if she were the wash of void beyond the branches. Terra pushed that down to join the truth of Hiei's accusations and the fear of her actions.
Trapped in her room and her mind, Terra rummaged through her few belongings to find Jeremy's notebook. It was something she had revisited only once before since the incident, but she had kept it with her as something too important to keep in the storage unit. Sometimes she would catch sight of the battered and sticker riddled cover and think of Jeremy's mom. Maybe Terra should have given it to Lorraine, one of the last remnants of her son's inner thoughts. Maybe Lorraine would have been able to appreciate it better. Maybe, but Terra's name was inscribed throughout the pages of the journal so frequently it sometimes felt as if the whole thing had been written for her.
Jeremy journaled like it was a scrapbook. The entries weren't in exact order and often had words crammed around errant doodles or photo booth pictures glued to the page. Jeremy had been a math whiz, but you wouldn't have guessed it from how distracted his notebook was. Some pages even had math scribbled into the corners from when he misplaced his workbook.
As she read a story about the two of them taking their first hike together, Terra tried not to let her tears stain the already smudged writing. She would have expected to have run dry of tears by now, unable to cry over a hurt despite or perhaps because of its persistence. Yet, as Terra revisited her past through Jeremy's eyes, the walls that held her together crumbled.
Sometimes Terra felt guilty for mourning Jeremy more than Conner. Conner had been her best friend after Jeremy. They were fellow psychology students. He had actually introduced Terra to Jeremy. And while the three of them were like Musketeers, the gaijin of Tokyo University, Terra only ever cried like this for Jeremy. Maybe that made her a bad person, but as she twisted the chain around her neck, she thought that Conner of all people would understand.
She hoped he would.
Terra hiccuped and closed the notebook before carefully setting it aside. Crying had drained her. All the things that tormented her mind - what she did to Hiei, the death of the horned demon, the loved ones she would never get to see again - faded away into the wee hours of the morning.
The blue-black woods began to lighten just as Terra finally fell asleep.
"You should have woken me up," Terra complained. She had never been late to a morning session before.
Hiei was surprisingly in the kitchen when Terra came out of her room. She hadn't gotten dressed for training, her mind stuck on the fact that Genkai hadn't eaten breakfast yet. It wasn't that late; she had only gotten an extra hour of sleep, which meant Genkai might not have woken up yet if Terra was lucky.
"You need the rest. You should have slept longer," Hiei huffed, sounding too much like the master of the house for Terra's liking.
He sat at the little one-man kitchen table without anything in front of him as if he knew this would be her first stop. She supposed it wasn't too much of a stretch that her behavior had found a predictable pattern. Still, it was odd when she never saw him around the temple outside of their training sessions and few late-night roof chats.
"Do you eat?" Terra found herself asking before her brain caught up with her mouth.
"Yes," he replied, giving her a steely look.
Whether it was the way the sun lit his red eyes or his unblinking stare, Terra had to suppress a shiver that for once wasn't from his energy. He didn't seem bothered by the fact that she was late for training, but he looked at her as if she needed careful consideration. It was a look she had come to accept from Kurama - calculating and deep. To receive it from Hiei was startlingly unpleasant.
She fixed herself some toast and went about making eggs and rice for Genkai while waiting for the bread to crisp. "What do you eat?" Terra asked hesitantly, not quite sure if she wanted to actually have a conversation with Hiei.
The demons at the wedding, plus Kurama, Yusuke, and Yukina, all seemed to eat regular food. But Yusuke said that some demons ate humans - others, human souls. It wasn't much of a stretch to think the ones who had attacked her in the woods and been planning on making a meal out of her and her friends. This particular fire demon, she wasn't sure of. He'd never been caught with anything more than a cup of sake in her presence.
"Meat," Hiei responded, the word crisp and over-enunciated.
"What kind of meat?"
"Any kind."
Terra dropped the line of questioning, not wanting to hear if Hiei had ever tried the human variety. He could very well just be messing with her, but now wasn't the time to push.
"There's some sausage links I could fry up if you want them," Terra offered. The request was clunky in her mouth, as if she were only being nice to make up for the day before. Hiei gave a noncommittal response. She slid the eggs from the frying pan onto the bowl of rice just as the timer for the toaster oven dinged. "I'm not going to make them unless you tell me yes," she warned.
He didn't respond.
Plunging a pair of chopsticks into the eggs on rice, Terra picked up her toast and shoved it into her mouth. Then, she picked up the bowl - toast still dangling from in between her teeth - and headed to Genkai's room.
She was surprised again by Hiei that morning when he followed her out. She got the sense that he was keeping an eye on her and it was creeping her out.
Terra knocked twice on Genkai's door before opening. Still asleep. The toast nearly slipped out of her lips with her sigh of relief. Terra placed the bowl down on a tray that still held last night's tea. Collecting the empty pot, Terra headed back into the kitchen to refill the water.
"You're a foolish human," Hiei tsked.
Terra nearly choked. She scrambled for her fallen toast and cleared her throat. "Why this time?"
"You make sure the old woman eats well, but not yourself."
"I'm eating," Terra protested as she set the pot on the stove.
"I said well," he pressed. "You seem to think you're a demon who can last months without decent food or sleep, but you're not, and your work is suffering for it."
Terra shook her head. "If this is about yesterday…" she popped the last bite of toast into her mouth, unsure what the connection was. Hiei had only been trying to rile her up yesterday. He didn't actually care. Maybe he was trying to provoke her again.
"No. This is about now. Your energy should be thriving after the breakthrough you had, but instead, it's weaker. It's as if you were wounded," Hiei commented dryly, looking her over with a considering eye.
"So, what, you're checking up on me?" she asked, trying to sound sardonic but knowing she missed by a mile.
He was making her nervous. Knowing there was something odd about her already odd energy wasn't exactly reassuring. Not that she ever expected Hiei to appease to anyone. His eyes locked with hers with an intensity that nearly spooked her out of her skin. Terra wondered if she would ever get used to him and his red eyes.
"You've been crying."
Terra's hand went up to her necklace without thinking. In her rush, she hadn't taken it off yet. Hiei followed her movement with curiosity. He knew of her habit to tug on the chain during their rooftop visits, but he didn't know of its significance.
"Yeah, well," she hedged, "it happens."
Terra turned away, forcing a moment to collect herself before removing the kettle from the stove. Steam coated her lenses and Terra pushed her glasses on top of her head. With a heavy squint, Terra carefully poured herself a cup for tea. She reveled in the scent as the hot water mixed with her teabag. It was a minor comfort in her life at the temple, and one she regularly enjoyed when preparing so much tea for Genkai. When she slipped her glasses back onto the bridge of her nose, Terra nearly scalded herself she startled so bad. Hiei stood just across the counter, staring hard at her face.
"God, Hiei," Terra sputtered, setting everything down slowly to still her heart. "What is with you today?"
"Can you really not see without those things?" He asked, completely ignoring her attempt at pushing him away.
She glanced at him, cautious. "Yeah, Hiei. I really can't see."
"Then how could you pour the tea?"
Terra rolled her eyes. "Practice. If I hadn't taken my glasses off, the steam would have fogged them to the point where I wouldn't be able to see anything. It was better for everything to be blurry than blocked."
Hiei cocked his head - not unlike a hawk
"What if someone attacked you when you had your glasses on and they broke," he said, less a question and more a set up for his own conclusion. "You wouldn't be able to see your opponent."
"Nope," Terra sighed. "Not well, at least." She took a sip of her tea, glasses fogging up just a bit as she did.
Hiei tracked the condensation of her lenses as it faded. "Hn." He sounded unimpressed. "Study the materials Genkai gave you until after lunch. Then find me in the dojo. We'll begin training you blindfolded."
He left so quickly he appeared to vanish in front of her. Terra blanched. Even the warm aroma of the tea couldn't soothe her.
Terra began her studies in Genkai's room. The old woman was considerably weaker than the day before, the energy she used to heal Hiei having taken a lot out of her. When Terra brought up calling Kurama back early, Genkai scolded her. "He'll be here soon enough," she said. "I'm not going anywhere." Terra still worried, but having the mornings to study gave her more time to keep an eye on Genkai at least.
It was also convenient for Terra to ask Genkai questions. Like, what was the difference between chakra and chi? Or, should she start with the modern medical texts on acupuncture or the ancient-looking tomes of the same material? Or, "I was expecting Hiei to be more pissanty after yesterday," which wasn't really a question but held the same effect.
Genkai laughed, a brittle sound that wheezed and rattled in her chest. "Just the opposite. I think he might actually respect you, at least a little bit."
"Respect?" Terra snorted. It didn't seem likely.
"You have to understand," Genkai said, her liver-spotted hand reaching over to flick her forehead. Terra shouted a soft hey and rubbed the spot, but Genkai ignored her. "Hiei is a very powerful demon. You have nothing to compare him to, but he's one of the strongest in their entire world. He could kill you so quickly you wouldn't even be able to see him move. In a real fight, you wouldn't stand a chance, but even in practice, you shouldn't have been able to so much as bruise him. But what you did yesterday, it was something powerful and unexpected."
"I hurt him," Terra pointed out. She had never seen Hiei in pain before. It was such a startling thing, like when you first realized your teachers had lives outside of school or your parents had first names. Wrong and unsettling, a whole shift to your world view. Terra didn't need to compare to know Hiei was one of the strongest out there. She had somehow begun to think of him as invincible. Those wounds he came to the temple with were his by choice, after all.
Genkai smirked at her. "Exactly."
Terra wasn't sure she'd ever understand that logic, but she supposed it didn't matter. As she returned to the book on her lap, the idea of respect from a demon waltzed around her thoughts. It made her dizzy with wonder that she was so happy to have earned it.
The week went on like that - studying with Genkai in the morning and training with Hiei in the afternoon. Her movements were less sluggish than they had gotten. Without double sessions in the dojo, her body had more time to recover even without getting as much sleep as she needed. She stayed inside when she couldn't sleep, staying up to study more like she was still a fretful college student.
The night before Kurama's return found her back on the roof, however. The wind was strong, so she wasn't sure how long she'd last, but the crisp night air cleared her mind as nothing else could. Her worry over Genkai's health had been plaguing her. She hadn't quite recovered from healing Hiei the other day. The last of her energy that had been holding her together was used up because of Terra's mistake, and that guilt built the more time passed.
It wasn't long before Hiei joined her.
"It's not your fault," Hiei said without preamble. Curt and to the point, like always.
"It feels like it." If Terra hadn't pushed Hiei with her energy, Genkai would be holding on better now than she was.
"She's been dying for months now. Maybe before you even met her."
His words were cold and sharp, but Terra could hear the stripped-down honesty of it all. Genkai's death was something they had been preparing themselves for - Terra just had the misfortune of joining them near the end. Whether it was his intention or not, Terra found his words comforting.
The two of them didn't get along, not really. He was abrasive and pushy when she just wanted to be left alone. He was distant and dismissive when she indulged in his conversations. Yet somehow all Terra wanted to do was curl into the warmth radiating off his body and hold on. Regardless of how many people tried to help her along, Terra had been going through her grief completely alone for so long. She was growing tired of being weighed down by what potentials in her life had been robbed from her. She was tired of feeling alone.
Maybe that was why Hiei joined her on the roof so often. He had lost someone he cared about, too. The others had warned her that Hiei never wished to admit he was anything other than entirely independent, but even demons were social creatures.
"Can you really read minds?" Terra asked, needing to distract herself from this sudden rush of affection she had developed for her surly sensei.
In response, Hiei tugged down the white cloth he kept tied around his forehead. There was an unnatural curvature and a myriad of almost invisible scars that stretched across his bare skin. Then it moved. Terra gasped as a slit formed on Hiei's forehead and a faint amethyst glow lit Hiei's face.
"Yusuke said something about you having a third eye," Terra whispered. "I didn't make the connection to it being also in the mystic sense."
Hiei huffed and closed his two red eyes and let his third gaze up at the stars. He seemed to relax in that moment, like finally breathing fresh air. She felt as if this was a private moment that he hadn't meant to share with her.
"But you can't read my mind?" she questioned.
He peeked open one of his red eyes and looked at her, a bland expression on his face. "If I wanted to, I could, but you put a barrier around your thoughts. Kurama's convinced it's unintentional."
Terra put two and two together pretty quickly. "That's why you never trusted me," she marveled. For a mind reader to come across a stranger who was actively blocking them out - even if Hiei could tear it down easily, it would still be suspicious.
"I still don't trust you," Hiei reminded her, sounding bored.
"Maybe," Terra shrugged, "but you also don't think I'm a threat anymore." He raised an eyebrow, a cue for her to continue with her observation. "You wouldn't be showing me that if you did," she surmised.
He huffed again and closed all three of his eyes. Hiei silently tied the wrap back around his forehead.
"Why didn't you?" she asked, then realized she needed to clarify. "Read my mind anyway."
"I don't care for the trivial thoughts of humans."
Terra didn't buy it for a second. "But you kept trying," she reminded him. "I have a whole list of headaches I can probably trace back to your third eye."
He turned his head away from her, but Terra could have sworn he caught Hiei smirk, amused at her expense. It took him a few moments before responding. "Breaking your barrier, no matter how weak, could have left you damaged. I may not trust you, but you are Genkai's guest."
She supposed that was something. That swell of affection expanded in her chest. There was so much more to Hiei than his fiery temper and cold indifference. As small as the gesture was, Terra was glad to see this side of Hiei that all the others had insisted was there all along.
"I should get back inside," Terra said, standing carefully at the roof's edge. She could probably jump down from this height and land just fine after all the training she'd gone through. It was tempting to try. "Wind's a little too harsh."
After staring off the edge for another moment, Terra turned back to her usual climbing point and made her way down.
When Kurama arrived in the morning, he made his check-up on Genkai his top priority. As she waited, Terra studied in the tea room where the two of them had played chess previously. She had focused so intently on her textbooks to avoid worrying about the doctor's visit that Terra startled at Kurama's appearance in the room.
"How's Genkai?" Terra asked.
Kurama stayed in the doorway with a small smile. Terra could never quite tell if his were genuine.
The one he gave her now didn't hold the forced platitude of his patented doctor smile. Terra had seen far too many people give the same smile - doctors, police, lawyers - to not be able to pick it out from Kurama's other smiles. It was the type of smile that said: "I want you to be comfortable and trust me, but I have bad information that's going to hurt you, and I really don't want to be the one to say it." She hated those smiles.
This smile was different, perhaps changed by the nature of them actually knowing each other now. Still, it seemed like an overly polite mask he wore when dealing with her. Worse, it held the same meaning.
"Much the same, I'm afraid. Sleep's been fickle due to her cough, so I gave her a sedative. I'll give her another one before I leave to put her back on a normal sleep schedule."
Even with Kurama's naturally stoic body language, it was easy to read what he was holding back saying.
"How long?"
Kurama's smile faded. He looked back out the hall down to where Genkai's door would be. "She'll last the month, at least. I can guarantee that."
Terra almost asked how he could guarantee anything, but was instead waylaid by the deadline presented to her. Of all the deaths Terra had been present for, none had come with any forewarning. Her breath caught in her throat and she had to swallow down the wave of grief. Terra hadn't meant to get so attached. This shouldn't be affecting her this way. Genkai wasn't even dead yet.
Yet.
She pushed her emotions down deeper and was thankful she forgot breakfast that morning.
The rest of the day was somber. Despite Kurama's company, no one talked much. She studied and she trained and she had dinner with Genkai before the old woman was given another sedative. They didn't bring up the timeline. They didn't bring up the medication or the cough. It was a day of silent company, and Terra was thankful for the routine to keep her moving.
Terra was blindfolded, as was the common practice these days. She strained her ears for the sound of Hiei's feet or the rustle of fabric from his pants. The hitch and slide of the door opening caught her off guard. Instinctively, Terra turned towards the sound, heart beating wildly from the previous anticipation. Behind her, the soft pad of Hiei's boot against the wood floor hit her ears and Terra swung back around. She braced her back foot and grounded herself, arm blocking above her hand just in time to guard against Hiei's attack. She knocked his arm aside and pushed with her opposite, careful to keep her energy inside. Hiei dodged, as to be expected.
"You've certainly improved," Genkai croaked. "I give Hiei my praise."
Terra jerked her blindfold down her face, the rough fabric catching on her nose. "You shouldn't be out of bed," she scolded, rushing over.
Genkai waved her off and took a seat. "I would like to see how much you've progressed." Genkai coughed a bit and Terra stilled with fear.
Kuwabara and Yukina were due back from their honeymoon tomorrow. Kurama had promised to inform the others of Genkai's health before leaving the temple grounds so they could all come up before the month's end only a few days later.
Genkai's time was slipping through an hourglass and Terra was afraid that any unnecessary movement would shake the sand out faster. She looked back to Hiei for backup but found him completely unconcerned.
"Blindfold," he told her.
Terra looked back to Genkai and frowned. No amount of nagging would get Genkai to leave now that she had settled down. Perhaps it was for the best that Genkai had found the strength to join them. A part of Terra did want to show Genkai how far she'd grown under Hiei's tutelage. Genkai clearly wanted the same.
"Fine," Terra said, pulling her blindfold back over her eyes. "Just don't complain if I accidentally hit you."
Genkai's harsh bark of laughter sounded void of the illness that was plaguing her. "Like you could hit me if you tried."
Terra smiled at that. A subdued part of her heart hoped. Maybe Kurama was wrong, and Genkai would pull through after all. Terra tried not to cling onto that thought. She nodded to Hiei and prepared for another round of blind combat.
The night chill wasn't as harsh as it had been. Spring was beginning to set in and almost all the snow had melted, even without Hiei's assistance. Terra had lost track of days at the temple, the routine keeping her focused and forgetful of the outside world.
Hiei hadn't joined her the last few nights, but the sudden shift in temperature let her know she wasn't alone. He made his way next to her and Terra watched as he sat down. Hiei had a sharp sort of grace. His motions weren't fluid, and yet his movements were unbroken, folding in at the waist like some sort carefully designed automaton. Effortless, yet rigid.
Hiei was nothing if not full of contradictions.
"Are you excited for Kuwabara's return?" she asked with a smirk. Hiei growled at the thought. She expected as much and chuckled lowly. "What about Yukina's?"
"Hn." He looked away, but Terra was sure he missed his relative.
"I think you'll enjoy them being here more than you think you will," she said, resting her cheek on her folded knees. "The temple's too quiet, just the three of us. Even for someone as recluse as you."
Hiei didn't say anything, but that was okay. They stayed in silence for a while, watching the stars come out. The temple was much too big for only herself and Hiei wandering the halls. But here on the roof, just the two of them and the whole world stretched out in every direction, Terra felt more comfortable and at home than she had in years.