I made this comment this comment the night that "Russia, Russia, Russia aired: Who wants to bet that the outfits Deeks was modeling involved increasingly less material as the night progressed? Much to Deeks' chagrin and Kensi and Kirkin's delight.
"This is completely ridiculous," Deeks muttered for the hundredth time. He glanced over at Kensi who was happily sipping at her champagne-completely tipsy at this point and apparently past the point of caring what Anatoli Kirkin did with him-and what looked like a thin cookie of some kind.
"Oh, come now, Marty," Kirkin said in a cajoling voice, popping up from behind the camera. "You know I love it when you pout and act all grumpy, but this is not what envisioned for this photo shoot."
"Yeah, Marty, don't be all pouty," Kensi chimed in, snorting to herself. Glancing over his shoulder, he glared at her and she made a concerted, but in the end futile, effort not to laugh.
Honestly, he would probably be laughing too if one of the other guys were forced to wear something that resembled the imaginings of someone on LSD. Of course, no one else on the team had a crazy Russian ex-criminal who was obsessed with them and likely to make strange requests as a form of payment. He was just that lucky.
His current outfit was black with orange stripes, making him resemble something like a strange wasp. At least there weren't any animals attached to it this time.
"Chin up." Kirkin directed him with a little waving gesture which Deeks followed with a reluctant sigh. "Perfect! Time for the next outfit."
That left four more by Deeks' count. Without a word, he accepted the latest garment bag from Kirkin and headed for the changing rooms. He supposed he was lucky Kirkin had allowed him that small privacy.
He came back out a couple minutes later, in black pants and a light blue dress shirt paired with a black tie and shoes that probably cost more than Deeks' whole wardrobe put together. It was the least offensive thing he'd worn all night.
"Not bad," Kensi commented when he walked back into the photography room and took up the pose Kirkin kept asking for. "Not bad at all." Her eyes slid down to his butt and he frowned at her.
"I agree, but there's just a little something missing," Kirkin said with a little sigh. He looked Deeks up and down too and then clapped his hands together. He started to reach towards Deeks and then glanced in Kensi's direction and drew back. "Martin, could you roll your sleeves up? Just above the elbows."
Shaking his head, Deeks rolled each sleeve up a few times while Kirkin watched eagerly.
"It's almost the same as the first case when we met." Lowering his voice, Kirkin added, "You remember, when we were both naked in the Russian baths." This time he did touch Deeks; it was little more than a brush of his knuckles against Deeks' forearm, but it was enough to make him shudder uncomfortably.
"Hey, keep your hands to yourself," Kensi ordered, a note of warning in her voice. She suddenly sounded completely sober and dangerous. Kirkin obviously heard it too because he immediately dropped his hand, and moved behind the safety of the camera again.
"I apologize. I was…overcome," he said, his expression a little guilty.
The next half hour passed in a blur. Kirkin brought in several more props for Deeks to pose with. Then two more costume changes. Deeks noticed that the clothes were getting increasingly smaller and tighter.
Currently, he was wearing a pair of exceedingly white pants and a shiny blue shirt that was straight out of "Saturday Night Fever". The shirt gaped open, revealing the majority of his chest and stomach.
"The 70s had its perks," Kensi commented, moving her chair to get a better view.
"No more champagne for you," Deeks told her firmly.
"You look absolutely wonderful! Those pants fit you like a glove and your chest…" Kirkin made a wistful sound. "You have never looked better."
"Can we get on with this?"
"Of course. Now for this one, I'd like you to put your left arm in the air and the other on your hip."
"I'm not doing disco poses, Kirkin." Crossing his arms over his chest, Deeks tried to look as serious as he could while wearing pants that left very little to the imagination. They felt tighter than anything he'd worn in his exotic dancing days.
"Maaarty, you promised…" Kirkin gave him a pointed look while adopting the pose he apparently wanted Deeks to mimic.
"I promised to do a photo shoot, not a feature for Play Girl magazine," Deeks said,
"I'd buy that issue." Off to the side, Kensi regraded him with a lascivious look in her eye.
"Me too," Kirkin added, so quietly Deeks wasn't sure he'd heard him.
"Oh my god! Fine, I'll do it." He tossed his head back with a groan and planted a hand on one hip. "Anything to get this over with. But," He pointed between Kensi and Kirkin, two people he never thought would be joining ranks against him. "no one else will ever hear about this or see these photos."
"Of course." Kensi nodded along with Kirkin, pressing her lips together either in apparent delight or to hold back laughter again. Kirkin snapped a few more pictures, moving more quickly than he had before. Maybe he realized that Deeks was reaching the end of his patience.
"And now for the last outfit," Kirkin announced, letting out a sad little sigh. "I have enjoyed this evening together."
"Yeah, it's been great," Deeks drawled sarcastically.
"I'll be back in just a few moments." He touched Deeks arm as he left the room, but this time Kensi didn't seem to notice.
"This is so much worse than I imagined." He plopped down in a chair beside Kensi, pushing on the bridge of his nose to alleviate the inevitable head ache he felt coming.
"I don't think it's that bad," Kensi said, tilting her head as she eyed him again. She reached over and trailed her fingers down his chest, pausing on his abs.
"Unbelievable," he muttered, shaking his head at her. "I brought you along to protect me."
"I am still perfectly capable of protecting you." She gave him a lazy smile and winked. "And enjoying the view."
Before Deeks could comment on that, Kirkin returned with a surprisingly small bag this time.
"I was saving this for a very special occasion," he said with a smile that made Deeks highly suspicious. Kensi leaned forward to get a better look as Kirkin reached in and removed the item of clothing.
It was small and checkered. God, what was with the guy and checkers?"
"Are those…?"
"Hot pants!" Kensi finished, laughing on clear delight. "Oh my god, they're checkered hot pants."
"I designed them myself."
Deeks just stared for a minute, completely horrified. Apparently Kirkin thought it was admiration. His obsession with checkers was disturbing, but at least there weren't any stuffed animals involved. Probably because there wasn't room.
"You are delusional if you think I'm putting those on, Kirkin," Deeks said, laughing at the absurdity of it. "I will wear your ludicrous idea of a coat, I'll even hold your creepy stuffed animals, but I will not wear hot pants for you."
"What about our deal?" Kirkin asked, giving the shorts a little shake. "You didn't make any stipulations."
"And that was a grave error on my part. I blame it on the overwhelming fumes of hairspray clouding my head."
"Your hard work deserves to be recognized." He turned to Kensi when Deeks remained stone-faced. "Kensi, tell him those muscles deserve to be on display."
"Yeah, I'm not quite that drunk."
"Imagine how these‒" he gave the pants another shake‒"will emphasize those beautiful muscles, tan, and his tight bottom."
"Alright, we're out of here," Deeks decided, grabbing Kensi's hand and tugging her along after him.
"Marty, please don't go," Kirkin called frantically. "The pictures don't even need to be published. They'll go straight to my private collection! Martin?!"
"I am so glad I came along," Kensi said, giggling to herself. "This goes in my top 10 favorite days."
"You are a terrible bodyguard." He tried to maintain a serious expression, but he couldn't in the face of Kensi's amusement.
"Oh please, Kirkin would never do anything to hurt you." She patted his arm and added, "He adores you too much."
"Fantastic," he muttered.
"You know," Kensi said a few minutes later as th
ey drove home. "We totally should have snagged those shorts."
"You really want to see me in checkered hot pants?"
"I'm curious." She shrugged. "And as Kirkin said, you have a very nice butt."
A/N: The reference to drawings/paintings comes from some of my other stories where I've had Kirkin give Deeks a series of highly inappropriate gifts.