Twelve Red Lines

by Vikingr

I expected to die when I went into the water. Instead, I was rescued by a crew of people who I knew only as characters in a story. But what does it take to become worthy of being a Straw Hat? And why are so many little details not matching up to what I know?

6. Allusion

Allusion: a reference to a well-known person, event, statement, theme, or work.

The Keeper of Worlds: Yes, Jones' fruit has the potential to be absolutely TERRIFYING. And she'll figure that out in a few chapters, even if she can't use those aspects of it until much further down the line. And yes, the Smoker and Ace things have some pretty big ripples. As for Barto... Jones actually didn't do anything that affect him, so for now it can be assumed that he's progressing the same way he did in canon. Key words being for now.

Xipholynx: As always, thank you very much. ^_^

Gerbilfriend: Yes, the first major butterfly just took to the air.

starelight: Ah, yes. We'll be seeing one of Jones' bad days as soon as I've hashed out exactly how everyone would deal with it. It may be mean, but as a writer... I like seeing my characters in pain sometimes too, even if I always give them a happy ending eventually.

Sheepskate: You're not the first to warn me against inflating the crew too much, and I doubt you'll be the last. I agree, it's something to be cautious with, but that doesn't mean I can't have fun with it as well. As far as advancing the Fourth Wall breaking... Some of the things you're suggesting are funny, while others are things Jones would only do under dire circumstances— like asking her writer for a favour. If she wants a snack, she can just bug Sanji, after all.

Guest: M-merci beaucoup. I— I have to admit that a lot less of this is fiction than most people would likely be comfortable with, but it's not exactly a cry for help. Writing this— working these things out in another world using another me— is better therapy than talking to people, given my anxiety. On a lighter note, you're actually probably wrong about your guess on where I come from. I bought my Straw Hat necklace from a travelling stall at an art show, and I picked up my Frenglish from my grade ten French teacher— he was from a small town in northern Quebec and taught us Quebecois swears and insults by accident whenever he got flustered. I don't actually remember when I started using them instead of English ones though.

Lightsbane1905: Thank you very much. ^_^

We'd had to land on an island not too far from Loguetown to pick up fresh water. Why no one had thought to do so while shopping for supplies was beyond me. Shouldn't that've been something that came up while Usopp and Sanji were getting groceries? But apparently not. And now… well, at this point, I'd given the day up as lost. Luffy was sitting on a rock, playing with something he'd picked up in a tidal pool; Usopp was swimming with Johnny and Yosaku, Zoro was doing push-ups with a boulder on his back, Nami was sunbathing while Sanji gave her a massage, and Ghin was building an expansive sand castle while wearing an expression of comic seriousness.

Shortly after this began, I was met with a newspaper to the face. Above me, a news coo squawked before flying off. I glared at it.

"You're late! Newspaper's supposed to come first thing in the morning!"

The bird didn't answer me. Not that I let the paper distract me completely; I still kept one eye on the horizon as I scanned the articles. Not that I knew of any threats on the way- I didn't even remember this island at all. But still…

Hmm… Nothing new about any familiar pirates. I guess I couldn't expect people to get in trouble- or at least, newsworthy trouble- every day. Oh wait, I was wrong. The Whitebeard Pirates had been visited by a strange ship, possibly Revolutionary, which made the government nervous. Sabo was looking for Ace then- or maybe had someone else doing it for him, since I didn't think he could get down the Line that quickly. What else…? Vivi, crown princess of Alabasta, was still missing- not for long. Garp the Hero was on his way to the East Blue to pick up Axe-Hand Morgan, a dishonourable discharge accused of murder, fraud, theft, and tax evasion. I'd expected that- well, except the tax evasion part. Skyrocketing prices on bread in the North Blue- bet Law had something to do with that, some woman from the South Blue- I assumed she was famous- gave birth to quintuplets, six squads of marines devoured by shrieking eels off the coast of somewhere called Gildor, results from a series of schooner races… Nothing that affected the Straw Hats, at least not directly. I flipped to the personal columns and grinned. Good. My ad was there.

Bouncy young Straw Hat seeking Freckled Firebrand, last seen sailing away from the Dawn. My friends and I will be in Alabasta in about two month's time; if you still love me, meet us in Nanohana. My White Lion might be able to track the bastard who burned your Thatch. ASL

I hoped Ace wouldn't think it was a trap. But no one other than Luffy- that he knew of, at any rate- would know the importance of those three letters. Even if Ace thought it was a trap, he'd probably show up in Alabasta anyway in case someone had captured his little brother. Which could result in me frying if I didn't talk fast enough, but such is life on the Grand Line.

Once I finished with the paper, I started practicing katas on the beach. If we weren't going anywhere, I may as well train. Or at least, that's what I was doing, until Samsung opened its mouth and started blaring music. "Come aboard and bring along all your hopes and dreams! Together we will find everything that we're looking for! One Piece!"

I picked up the receiver with a click. "Welcome to Topper's Pizza Sabo, how can I help you?"

"Jones! How'd you know it was me?"

"You're the only person with this number so far."

"Oh." Samsung blinked in imitation of the face on the other end. This was followed by a chastising frown. "Hey- last night, you hung up without answering any of my questions. That's rude."

"And you've never done that to Koala to get out of a lecture about the meaning of stealth or rationing or something like that?" I raised an eyebrow. Sabo chuckled, Samsung's face reflecting a sheepish expression.

"Ah, well, as a matter of fact- hey! How'd you know that? I didn't talk about Koala when I was there!"

"Same way I knew Dragon was Luffy's father."

"And how's that?"

"Sorry," I shook my head, "That's for members of our crew only."

"Shishishishi! Well, it was worth a try." Huh. Hadn't expected Sabo to giggle like Luffy. "So, will you answer me this time? How's Lu doing? Tell me everything! I've got ten years to catch up on!"

I shook my head. "When I hung up last night, it was cause I was too tired to deal with this. And I don't know everything Luffy's been up to since you were little. But since I got here, he's been alright. Sanji won't let anyone leave vegetables on their plate, so you don't have to worry about that. The captain sleeps fine, and Nami will probably make him wash his clothes often enough. He's a lot stronger than you remember too, so you don't have to worry about that for a while."

"That's good. I can't help but worry though; I mean, it's Lu. Trouble has a way of finding him no matter what he's doing." Which was true. I suddenly felt very sorry for the siblings and parents of just about every major fantasy character ever. You know, except the ones who didn't have any siblings or parents to worry. Huh. Maybe that was why so many of them were orphans.

As if on cue, Luffy's voice rang out from his rock. "Hey! Guys! We have the coolest ship ever!"

Usopp climbed out of the water and flopped on the warm sand, staring up at the sky. "I know, Merry's awesome."

"You've gotta look though! So cool!"

Nami groaned. "Luffy, it wouldn't hurt you to relax for an hour or two. Just calm down; Merry isn't going anywhere."

Sanji spun in place before squirting more sunscreen onto Nami's shoulders and rubbing it in. "Your skin's so smooth Nami! And you look amazing in your bikini!"

I glanced up and had to stifle a groan of my own. "Sorry Sabo, I've gotta go. The trouble that finds Luffy everywhere just showed up."

"Really? What is it this time?"

"Someone's stealing our ship." Ka-clik. Funny, I didn't remember this happening in the manga or the anime.

"WHAT?" Everyone jumped to their feet at my words and stared out to sea, just in time to see the Going Merry finish turning and start sailing away. Nami let out a wordless shriek as she hit Luffy over the head.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US SOMEONE WAS STEALING THE SHIP?!"

"Stealing? I just thought Merry wanted to play…"

"SHIPS DON'T MOVE ON THEIR OWN, IDIOT!"

"Oww…" Luffy pouted and rubbed the bruise on the side of his head before throwing his arm out, reaching for the rail of our ship. Except, he couldn't reach. The Merry must've been more than seventy-two gomu-gomus from shore. There was a tremendous snap as the recoil sent the young captain rolling backwards.

Silence fell for several long minutes. It was eventually broken by Yosaku. "So… Should we try and go after them?"

"Of course!" Luffy's eyes blazed. "Merry's our home- we have to get her back!"

Nami hit our captain over the head again. She was hyperventilating now, shoulders heaving as her eyes started to glow red. They matched her bikini. "AND HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? WE DON'T HAVE A SHIP!"

Johnny raised a hand. "There's a town on the other side of the island Sis. We might be able to get a boat there."

"And maybe some clothes too," Ghin suggested with a wry smile. His words caused everyone to look down. Except for Luffy and I, no one was wearing their regular clothes- or even a pair of shoes. The best part was that Yosaku's swimwear matched Zoro's, Johnny's matched Sanji's, and Ghin was wearing the same shade of red as Nami.

I froze as I realized this. While the matching pairs may have been funny, there was something else that most certainly wasn't. Glancing around the beach yielded no sign of what I was looking for; my stomach sank. "Guys… Where are your weapons?"

Everyone else who normally carried arms flinched. "On- on the ship." Usopp rubbed sheepishly at his nose. I buried my face in my hands.

"Really? I could see you, Johnny, and Yosaku leaving them there, but Zoro? Ghin? Nami?"

The latter three were suddenly very keen on avoiding my gaze. For once Zoro actually looked like the nineteen-year-old he was as he bit his lip and shuffled in place- normally I could mistake him for being my age or older. Nami flushed, embarrassed; this was probably the first time in years she'd felt comfortable enough to let her staff out of reach, after what Arlong had put her through. And Ghin- he was gripping one wrist with his opposite hand as if he meant to crush the bones. I shook my head and headed towards the town Johnny had mentioned.

"You're lucky I'm a paranoid little bitch." I had all my weapons with me, since I'd been training with some of them. Let's see… Nami could borrow my staff, Usopp could use the pistol, Zoro would probably prefer sais… No one knew how to use a whip, so Ghin and the hunters would have to fight bare-handed until we got our stuff back. And yes, readers, I was almost certain we would need to fight. Just because I didn't remember this happening didn't mean there wouldn't be a brawl at the end; it was still the One Piece world after all.

My spine went stiff as we made our way towards town. Merde. Why didn't I remember this? Was it- was it one of the movies I hadn't seen? I put my hand in my pocket and flipped my writer the bird- even if my crew mates couldn't see it, she would. Writing the scene and all. Sadistic little bitch, watching the movies while I was here just so she could surprise me.

People shot us odd looks as we strode into town. Probably not used to seeing a crew of shoeless tourists appear out of nowhere. I scanned the streets for a clothing store- at least, until I realized that all our money was on the ship with everyone's weapons. Tabarnak. Zoro grabbed me by the ponytail when I went to bash my forehead against a random building. "What is it Jones?"

"We can't get clothes; we don't have any money."

"Huh?" Nami looked panicked for a moment, reaching into her bikini top. She sighed with relief and pulled out a wad of bills- far too large to have fit in there I might add; her boobs weren't that big. "You had me worried there for a moment Jones. Don't tease like that."

"Eh? But… Don't you keep… Ship?" I had no words. Something, some connection in the base of my brain, fizzled and died.

"Of course not. Why would I leave the money somewhere I couldn't see it? One of the idiots might use it to buy whoopee cushions or something." The navigator looked around with a frown. "There's not a lot of choice around here though. All I see is a bridal boutique."

She was right. Aside from the aforementioned bridal boutique, the only shops around at all were a bakery, an upscale bar, and a place selling kayaks and paddleboats. This was more a fancy resort than an actual town. I was so glad I hadn't been stranded in my swimsuit like the majority of the crew- actually, I didn't have a swimsuit, so I guess that wasn't possible. Go me!

X

"I'm never going anywhere without my swords and a change of clothes again," Zoro grumbled as everyone tried on various outfits. He eventually found a black montsuki kimono and hakama that he decided were tolerable. Johnny and Yosaku picked out similar clothes- in unusual blue and green variations, of course- while Usopp chose what appeared to be a child's kimono and a strange soft, pointy hat. Nami and Sanji were more Western in style, favouring a white dress and tuxedo; the cook's eyes turned into creepy hearts again when he realized they had the same fashion sense. And then Ghin somehow ended up in red and gold tight pants and a cropped jacket that made him look like a torero.

The tonfa wielder scowled as I bit back snickers. "It was the only thing that fit."

"Shishishishi!" Unlike me, our captain couldn't hold back his laughter. "Ghin looks silly!" The only answer he received was a heavy thump on the top of his head as Ghin marched out of the store. So busy was he being annoyed at our captain, the former Krieg pirate didn't notice that Johnny and Yosaku were leaning on each other, barely able to stand as they tried and failed to keep straight faces.

"It wasn't the only thing that fit," Johnny whispered to me as the rest of us followed Ghin out of the shop. "But he was taking so long to decide on things, it was easy to hide all the stuff in his size." The blue hunter pointed at a pile of multi-coloured fabric poorly concealed behind a trio of manikins modelling wedding gowns.

"Okay, that's a good one." I bit my lip. Although to be fair, as silly as the outfit was, it didn't look bad on Ghin. The style was similar to what he usually wore, if a bit tighter and much more colourful.

I passed out weapons on the way to the docks. Zoro grunted and started playing with my sais, getting used to the balance. And while Nami was perfectly happy with my bo staff- except for the part where it didn't break down for transport- Usopp nearly dropped my pistol when I handed it to him. I frowned. "Be careful with that- it was expensive."

"Sorry. But… Why're you giving me a gun?"

"Do you wanna walk into an unknown situation unarmed? Sorry; I don't have a slingshot."

Usopp looked at me with concern. "Why do you even have this?"

"Just because I'm a primarily melee-focused character doesn't mean I can't have a ranged weapon. Actually, it's a good idea to have ranged backup."

"But your aim's terrible!"

I ignored the sniper in favour of looking at the kayaks and paddleboats on display by the water. They were… small. None of them looked like it had room for all nine of us; actually, they all seemed to be meant for couples. I turned to Nami to ask, but she shut me down before I could open my mouth.

"No, we're not getting more than one. We've spent enough money on this stupid mistake already."

We ended up crowding nine people into a tiny paddleboat with a swan head. It was uncomfortable and sweaty; I was squished between Zoro and Ghin, while Johnny sat on Yosaku's lap and Sanji had his chest pressed against Nami's back. Luffy was practically falling off the swan head as we trundled out of the bay. The press of bodies was so tight that I couldn't even tell who was pedaling the boat. All I could say for sure was that it wasn't me.

X

Several hours out, Nami suddenly started grinding her knuckles into her forehead. Yosaku frowned. "What's wrong Sis?"

"We forgot something important… How are we planning to find the Going Merry? We have no idea where the person who took it is going!"

Everyone looked at me, even Luffy. A spear of cold ran up my spine; I shook my head. "Sorry guys, no idea."

"What?!" Luffy nearly fell overboard. "But- but you know everything! From your story! How can you not know where the Merry is? Or at least how to find her?"

"Sorry." I couldn't curl into myself, wedged between two of my crew mates, but I sure as Hell tried. "There's… The story was told a bunch of different ways, and different things happened in different media. I… Didn't have time to dig up all of them. Anything that happened in the manga I know like the back of my hand- that's stuff that will definitely happen. Anime not as well- I don't remember all the filler arcs- but they only might happen anyway. This… I think this is one of the movies. I didn't watch the movies - except Strong World and Baron Omatsuri and the Secret Island." But apparently my writer had decided she had time to find and watch them all now. How many of them was she planning on throwing in? Which ones? Merde, I hated flying blind.

"So even Jones doesn't know what's coming next?" Luffy clapped and rocked, nearly overturning the boat. "Fun!"

"Sit still, Shithead! You'll sink us!" Sanji slammed a bare foot down on the captain's head. This kick did absolutely nothing to lessen the rocking of the boat. Zoro and Ghin looked at each other and growled before reaching over to punch the cook, their movements shaking the boat even more. Plus, since I was squashed between them, the pair nearly knocked me over the side.

"Hey!" I latched onto Zoro on reflex, not keen on going over backwards and hitting my head on the hull.

"Ah! Help!" A scream from the water interrupted before the fight could grow any further. Everyone froze and looked. There was a stony spire rising from the water not far from us; a small boy struggled in the water by its base. All that could really be seen of him was an oversized white beanie with red buttons on one side. Sanji looked around, realized he was the only one besides Luffy who could easily extricate himself from the tangle of bodies, and rolled his eyes.

"Guess it's up to me." The cook jumped out and swam over to the boy. Those of us in the boat followed quickly, so I guess Sanji wasn't the one pedalling.

"You alright kid?" Our cook reached out to grab the drowning boy. Except, he was no longer drowning, instead swimming backwards and climbing up onto the spire with remarkable quickness for someone so small.

"Hah! I'm great! And you fell for it! Borodo was right; there's lots of easy marks around here!" The boy stuck his tongue out above us, wringing water out of his green coat.

A net rose out of the water from beneath us, hoisted by a crane that appeared around the rock, wrapping around both Sanji and the paddleboat, capturing everybody. I rolled my eyes as a small cutter drifted into view. So cliché. The crane swung around to deposit us on the cutter; before it could, I pulled out my knife and sliced through the net. Everyone yelled in surprise as the little paddleboat fell back into the water. I didn't fall with them, as I was still holding onto the ropes I'd cut. Instead, I let go and dropped onto the cutter.

"These guys look pretty poor Borodo." The little boy dropped down from the stone to land on the rail. I flipped my knife closed; I doubted I'd be needing it.

"You're right Akisu. Ah well…" A tall man with messy, light brown hair stepped out from behind a pile of crates. He had goggles on his forehead and was dressed like a German aviator from World War One. I automatically snapped to attention at the sight of that uniform as my crew mates climbed aboard.

Luffy glared. "Oi! What was that for? Who are you guys?"

"Who are we?" The aviator jumped up and did a backflip, landing on top of the pile of crates. He then folded his arms and grinned down at us. "I'm Borodo!"

"And I'm Akisu!" The little boy scrambled up so he was standing beside his partner. "And together we're the amazing Thief Brothers!" Akisu then proceeded to slip off the edge of the crate pile, knocking several of the boxes flying as he fell. Some of the lids fell off, spilling nails, washers, buttons, and assorted other junk over the deck of the cutter. My crew mates stared.

"Amazing Thief Brothers, huh?" Nami raised an eyebrow, folding her arms. "You stole… this? It's all junk- why bother?"

Borodo bit his lip, lost for words. Akisu, on the other hand, scowled with adorable rage as he jumped to his feet. "Hey! Don't dis my big brother! Borodo's the greatest thief in the world- he's gonna steal the Diamond Clock!"

"Diamond Clock?" That was a McGuffin if I ever heard one. Did it even do anything, or was it just a shiny thing to drive the plot of the movie?

Nami's eyes shone. Even if I'd never heard of it, she had. "It's only the most valuable clock in the East Blue Jones- possibly the world. The Diamond Clock was made about seven years ago, on an island renowned for their clockwork inventions and toys. But shortly after it was finished, the island suddenly stopped communicating with the rest of the East Blue- no more imports, exports, tourism… Nothing."

"Like Cocoyashi Village?" I had a good idea what had probably happened to the island, especially when Nami's eyes went wide. And we weren't the only ones. Ghin, Zoro, Sanji… In fact, just about everyone except Luffy realized what was going on in short order.

"So…" Zoro stared at Borodo. "You're trying to steal a fancy clock from an island occupied by pirates. Just the two of you. And he's seven." The swordsman pointed at Akisu.

Borodo crossed his arms. "You probably think I'm an irresponsible brother, but I wouldn't do anything without my partner."

There was a plop as Luffy picked a large booger out of his nose and flicked it into the water. "Saa, my brothers did worse. At least you're not letting Kissy get eaten by gators or something."

Everyone stared deadpan at our captain. "What kind of childhood did you have?" The question came from Ghin, who claimed to have grown up running the streets of Loguetown in a gang, which gave it a special level of disbelief.

The elder thief's eyes narrowed for a second, flicking to Luffy's hat. Then Borodo's face opened up into a broad smile. "Hey- you guys don't happen to be missing a ship, do you? One with a straw hat on a Jolly Roger?"

Sanji glanced from Luffy's hat to the tiny swan boat we'd come out to sea in. "What was your first clue?"

"It was probably stolen by the Trump Family," Borodo offered with a shake of his head. "They're the pirates who took over Clockwork Island."

That was quick. I frowned, suspicious. How very convenient that our ship would be at the same place Borodo and Akisu were trying to rob. My first thought was that this was a trap, that the thieves were working with this Trump family. On the other hand… Trump. Trap or not, that name tied into some of the greatest fears I'd left behind in my home world. Trump Presidency. Terrifying thought. I couldn't leave this alone, trap or not, if that name was involved. So I kept my suspicions to myself.

"Trump Family?" Yosaku mused. "That name's familiar. Johnny?"

"On it bro." The blue hunter pulled out his collection of bounty posters and began flipping through. He produced five pictures in short order: a delicately beautiful blonde woman; a pale, pointy clown with a scar across his painted face; a large man with a pig-like nose and a wool cape; a ratty goofball wearing a giant backpack; and a great, hairy bear of a man. Together, they added up to thirty-eight million, five hundred thousand beri.

Nami's eyes turned to money symbols; the navigator grinned. "Well, if it's to get our ship back…" I just hoped we could find a decent marine base or bounty office for Johnny and Yosaku to hand them in.

"Okay!" Luffy rocked back and forth in place. "We'll come with you to Clock Land! Merry's our home, after all!"

Borodo beamed as he grabbed the whipstaff and turned the ship. "Alright then. To Clockwork Island, to get your ship and our clock. Allons-y!"

I sighed and turned to Zoro and Ghin as we got underway. Reaching up, I pulled my hat forwards so it almost covered my eyes. "I've got a bad feeling about this."

Both men snorted. "Agreed."

X

Four ships, each with a card suit painted across its sails. They came up almost out of nowhere about an hour after we'd started sailing with Borodo and Akisu. One of them had a disproportionately large figurehead, a bear. The blonde woman from the bounty posters was leaning over the edge- just her head and arms, in a way that suggested she was in some sort of hot tub. She cooed as her ship came within earshot of Borodo's cutter.

Not far from me, pulsing pink light emanated from a certain blond cook. Sanji leaned out over the rail of the cutter, his eyes turning to hearts. His cigarette dropped into the water as he stared, mouth open. "She's so beautiful!"

"Tch. Idiot." Zoro slapped Sanji across the back of his head. "Don't flirt with the enemy."

"Shitty swordsman!"

"Shut it!" Ghin punched both cook and swordsman into the deck as they lunged for each other. "I like a good brawl as much as the next guy, but this ain't the time!"

"Aw, look at the little peasants in their tiny boat. So cute. What brings you so close to Papa's island, I wonder- surely the fish haven't wandered this far?"

The pig-man appeared beside her, rolling through the air as he bounded onto the edge of the tub/figurehead. "Ooh, look at the little redhead. I bet Papa would love her."

"Mhm." The woman pursed her lips. "Why don't you go get her Boo Jack?"

"Sure thing Honey!" The pig-man jumped off the ship and tucked into a ball, spinning to gain extra momentum. Something shiny glinted in his wool cape as he did so- steel spikes. Seconds later, Boo Jack landed with surprising delicacy on the rail of the cutter, shoving Johnny and Yosaku aside so he could grab Nami. Although… That didn't go to well for him.

"Yow!" The pig-man pulled back, wheezing. Nami had jabbed my staff into his solar plexus. Hard.

"Hands off!" The navigator swung around, cracking heavy beech into Boo's knee, then up into his groin, before knocking him off the rail with a heavy jab to the face. "Jones, plan?"

"Why me?"

"Do you really expect any of the men to come up with a plan?"

"Do you really expect to like any plan I come up with?" I shot back. "High INT, low WIS character, remember? I think we should beat them up and make them take us back to their island so we can get the Going Merry back."

Luffy bounced. "I like Jones' plan!"

"Of course you do…" Nami slapped a hand to her face. Our captain grinned. Borodo and Akisu stared at us like we'd all grown extra heads.

"You do realize thieves are supposed to be subtle?" the older brother asked. From the look on his face, he already knew more or less what the answer would be. I felt obliged to give it to him anyway.

"One, you're the thieves. We're pirates; we go in with cannons blazing. And two… Even among pirates, we're the Straw Hats." I shook my head. "Most of us wouldn't know subtlety if it stabbed us in the back for an extra 3D6 damage."

I felt the strange tinkle beyond light and sound that was someone's brain breaking. The elder thief brother froze, glassy stare fixed on my hat. Johnny patted Borodo's shoulder with a smile. "Don't worry about it. Big Sis says a lot of things no one understands; you get used to it."

"And believe it or not, she's one of the subtle ones." Ghin chuckled at the thieves' shocked faces.

Luffy wrapped one arm around our crew, making the thieves jump back in surprise. Right, they hadn't really seen him use his powers yet. "Alright everyone, hold on. Gum-Gum Rocket!"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Usopp, Johnny, and Yosaku had tears streaming from their eyes as we shot over to the Trump flagship. Sanji and Nami looked green; Zoro and Ghin grumbled and hit our captain over the head. Me- I loved it. It was like parkour, the feeling of flight during a vault. The feeling of freedom.

"Sesehihihihihi!"

"Shishishi!"

I landed with my feet in some poor mook's face, bending my knees and tucking into a roll to disperse momentum. This led to me bowling through a couple more people's knees before I stood up again. Beside me, Luffy had a similar landing, while Zoro and Ghin ended up crashing into the deck back to back. Both were visibly angry at our captain, but content to take said anger out on the nearest Trump minions for now. Nami, despite her greenness, landed much like Luffy and I, launching a staff strike into a man's groin as she rolled into a crouch. Sanji turned his landing into a series of flying kicks, wincing as his bare feet met skulls and splinters his shoes normally would've protected him from. As for our sniper and hunters… The three of them had crashed into the base of the mast. Johnny and Yosaku were now punching anyone who came too close to Usopp while the sniper tried to figure out how my pistol worked.

Zoro growled, his sword techniques not working very well with the short, blunt weapons he was forced to use. "Taka Nami!" A gust of wind slashed out to either side as he struck, blowing a number of opponents away and setting one of the smaller Trump ships to rocking. The swordsman grunted. "Oi Jones, your sais are too short!"

"They're just fine for me! Not my fault your arms are longer!" I kicked one of the mooks in the chest, sending him staggering backwards into a punch from Yosaku. Hmm… How to disable the other ships? Otherwise they'd probably start firing on us soon…

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Boo Jack climbing aboard, sopping wet. Okay, not a Devil Fruit user. Sanji kicked him off again though, so I didn't need to worry about the pig-man for now. Although the cook's wince and bleeding foot could be an issue. But there was no time for that now. Avoiding cannonade was more important.

The Trump ships had some of their cannon on the main deck as well as down on the gun decks, reminding me of some of the ships from Pirates of the Caribbean. Hmm… Could I pull a Jack Sparrow with that somehow? But I didn't know enough about how the rigging and counterweighting would work… The other ships actually seemed reluctant to fire on their flagship though, so maybe it wouldn't matter. Maybe they figured Honey and Boo Jack would be enough to deal with us? Still, note to self- figure out how to pull a Jack Sparrow maneuver. They looked fun.

First rule of fighting against a large group: never actually fight the group. Getting surrounded is the easiest way to get yourself killed, no matter how good a fighter you are. So I kept shifting, never staying in one spot, making sure that only one or two people were in a position to hit me at any given time. Whenever I could, I used the nearest Trump pirate as a human shield- perks of being small. Painful bruises bloomed along my forearms from blocking fists and saps, but it was a pain I was used to. It would be unpleasant in the future, but I could push it back for now. Parry, block, three-level punch… Roundhouse kick falling into a lunge punch. That's another important thing while fighting- never use just one technique. Pausing in between just gives your opponent a chance to hit you.

My training weights were throwing my attacks off a little, slowing me down and tiring me more quickly as the fight went on. One of the Trump pirates got too close with a cutlass, slicing along my calf as I kicked him in the chest.

"Criss de calice de tabarnak d'osti de sacrament de trovvierge!" That burned! There wasn't much blood though, thank the gods; no major arteries had been compromised. I took a second to give the perpetrator an extra kick, bringing my foot down on his head like an axe. There was a satisfying crack as I drove his head into the deck.

"Gum-Gum Whip!" I jumped over Luffy's leg as he swept it across the deck. There was a squishing sound as his shin passed through Honey, who appeared to be made of some sort of purplish liquid. Logia user? Great, just great…

A gunshot cut through the air; the entire battle froze. I rubbed my ears and turned to look at the only place I remembered seeing a gun. Usopp shook behind the mast, a trembling hand aiming my pistol at Honey. A hole in her liquid body- just under her heart- oozed closed. The Trump Pirate raised one delicate eyebrow at the Straw Hat sniper.

"That sort of thing won't do you much good, Sweetie." Honey waved her hand, sending a wave of thick, sticky liquid washing over the deck. Some got in my mouth. Grape Jell-O? But wasn't that supposed to be a solid? And even if it was a liquid, did that really count as a logia? I thought they were supposed to be based on elements and such. But she was certainly acting like a logia, even if she wasn't a true one. Similar abilities, at any rate.

Usopp squeaked and dropped my pistol. Oh… This was the first Devil Fruit opponent he'd seen, wasn't it? He wasn't around for Buggy. And, well, maybe using a gun for the first time had shaken him too. It was a lot louder than his slingshot. I scrambled over and grabbed the pistol off the deck. "If you're too scared to use it, just say so."

"I tried when you gave it to me. You didn't listen."

"Oh. Sorry."

Another wave of grape Jell-O washed over the ship, with far greater volume than before. My crew mates and I forced off, sent tumbling back down to Borodo's cutter in a gooey rush. All of us except for Nami, that is. The navigator got caught by Boo Jack as he climbed back aboard. A number of growls rose up from my sticky, grape-y crew mates; we prepared to leap back into the fray. All except for one; our poor sniper apparently couldn't take any more of this.

"Usopp Special Technique: Run Like Hell!" The sniper grabbed the whipstaff of all things and snapped it back and forth with a speed I wouldn't have previously considered possible. Wind snatched at my hat as Usopp used the bloody rudder to paddle the Thief Brothers' ship away from the Trump Pirates; I reached up one hand to hold it on.

The sudden acceleration caused Akisu to stumble backwards into the stern rail. Something small and dark flew out of his pocket; I grabbed it out of the air with my free hand before it could be lost to the sea. It was… A music box? Well carved but unpainted, with a small semi-precious stone embedded in the cover. The boy beamed at me when I handed it back to him.

"Thanks!" Akisu hugged the box close. "I can't lose this!"

Sanji chuckled and ruffled his hair. "Then maybe you should be more careful with it, shitty brat. A man shouldn't need to be saved by a girl; he should be saving the ladies instead. Which reminds me…" The cook turned to slam his uninjured foot into Usopp's ribs. "WHAT'RE YOU RUNNING AWAY FOR, SHITTY LONG NOSE?! THEY HAVE NAMI!"

A cannonball splashed into the water behind us as Usopp continued to row. If he'd stopped for any reason, that would've hit the cutter and smashed it. Despite the beating he was receiving from Sanji, the sniper didn't stop until we were well out of sight of the Trump ships. Only then did he collapse with a groan, nursing his bruised ribs. "They have a Devil Fruit user who's immune to bullets! What can we do against that?"

Zoro punched Usopp with a growl. Huh, swordsman and chef agreeing on something; were pigs flying somewhere? "Our captain is a Devil Fruit user who's immune to bullets!" The swordsman gestured at Luffy, who was busy trying to rub grape Jell-O out of his hat.

"Actually," Ghin put in, "The Don wouldn't be immune if Jones shot him, I don't think. Her bullets are pointy."

"Not important."

Yosaku raised a hand. "Actually Big Bro Zoro, it might be really important. That Honey lady was made of some kind of grape-y liquid, not rubber. They do different things."

Johnny nodded. "We might be able to trap her in a barrel though, if it's water-tight."

"That only matters if one of you clowns can find a barrel."

Hat finally free of sticky purple, Luffy bounced to his feet. "Alright! Let's go get Nami and Merry! You know the way to Clock Land, right Frodo?"

"It's Borodo," the elder thief muttered. He stared at us in disbelief. "You- you just got your asses handed to you and you want to go after the Trump Family again? Are you insane?"

"Of course we are," Ghin said, hands on his hips. "That's what makes this interesting. Can you take us to Clockwork Island or not? I thought you wanted to steal a shiny clock there anyway."

"Fine, fine." Borodo nudged Usopp out of the way and grabbed the whipstaff. "But would you at least consider a more subtle approach this time? Charging in like you just did doesn't seem to work very well."

Luffy smacked one fist into the opposite palm. "If at first you don't succeed, hit them twice as hard next time! That's what Grandpa taught me!" He ended his announcement with a shudder. Johnny and Yosaku looked from each other to our captain.

"Um… Big Bro… Who's your grandpa and why does he sound like we should wear brown pants if we ever meet him?"

"Shishishi! Grandpa's scary, yeah. I hope we don't run into him though, so it doesn't matter."

"Sesehihihihihi!" I clapped my hands over my mouth. When everyone turned to stare at me, I shook my head. "Sorry Captain… spoilers."

X

Clockwork Island, like the Burrow, looked like it was held up by magic- or in this case, some strange science that may or may not have been based in the laws of physics I grew up with. It towered several hundred meters into the air, a thin, twisted spire with a broad platform on top, like some exaggerated version of the Hopewell Rocks. A stiff breeze could've blown it over. There was a wide plain at the base as well, with a bay and cave in one side where I could see several more ships with the Trumps' card-based motif. We made landfall on the other side.

Usopp tilted his head back, staring at the platform suspended over head. "So… How do we get up there?"

"There's an elevator in the central column that the Trump Family uses to get up and down from the castle up top." Borodo's explanation was muted as he tied his cutter to a rock, so it was no wonder even I barely heard him. To everyone else, his voice was probably inaudible over Luffy's excited shout.

"Look! Stairs!"

And indeed, there was a steep spiral staircase winding around the spire, upwards towards the platform. We were about ten feet up, with Borodo and Akisu running to join us, when Johnny halted and held out his arm. Everyone stopped behind him. Zoro scowled.

"Hey Johnny, what's the hold up?"

"Shush Big Bro." The blue hunter glanced at his partner. "Yosaku… Do I need to take my sunglasses off, or do you see 'em too?"

"I see 'em. You might wanna take your sunglasses off anyway; there's a lot of 'em, and I don't think we'll catch 'em all if you don't."

"See what? Catch what?" Luffy bounced behind the hunters. I stood on my tiptoes beside him, trying to see over Yosaku's shoulder. Curse my shortness- I couldn't see anything!

"What's going on?"

Johnny took his sunglasses off and put them in his pocket. It was my first time seeing him without them; his eyes were a shocking shade of blue that seemed out of place against his dark skin and hair. "The stairs are full of traps. Like, I've never seen so many traps in one place before."

Yosaku nodded. "Big Sis Jones, Big Bro Usopp… Do either of you have some steel spikes? And maybe wire cutters? We left our trap kits on the Going Merry."

I didn't have wire cutters, but my Swiss Army Knife had some pretty heavy-duty scissors. I handed it over. "Sorry, no spikes. Didn't think I'd need any; I'll fix that next time we get a chance to go shopping." Also, I had to re-evaluate my classification of the hunters. Johnny and Yosaku weren't fighters- they were rogues with weapon proficiency feats. How else would they be able to spot traps so easily?

Usopp shook his head. "All my stuff's on the Merry too."

"Well shit." Johnny and Yosaku deflated and stared at each other. "That's gonna make it a lot harder to get through here without setting off any of the pressure plates."

"Is the whole floor covered in pressure plates?" I asked. Yosaku shook his head.

"Nah. They're pretty well hidden, but they follow a pattern and there's only one on each step. At least, on what we can see. I guess… Just go slow and only step where Johnny and I do."

"Actually," Borodo offered, "Akisu and I have some steel scraps you could use." He reached into his messenger back and pulled out a smaller sack of jagged, irregular metal. The hunters accepted with a nod.

"Thanks! It'll still be slow, but it's still better if we disarm some of them." Johnny immediately jammed a steel spike in and under a tile on one of the steps while Yosaku cut a couple of barely-visible wires. "There's probably not enough here to disarm everything though, so you should still be careful. Like Yosaku said, only step where we do"

And thus began our progress up the twisted spire. In the interest of minimizing the chances of a plate being set off by accident, Borodo was carrying Akisu and Zoro was carrying Luffy. Usopp poked Johnny in the back of the head as we walked. "Hey… Where do bounty hunters learn to disarm traps and stuff anyway?"

"Well… We stumbled on this island made of ancient ruins once while going after this one pirate who liked stealing antiques. He'd gotten a lot of the old traps and things up and working, so we had to figure out how to avoid them- fast."

Yosaku snickered. "That's actually what Johnny's tattoo's for. He got a pretty embarrassing scar from one of the traps and wanted to cover it up."

"Hey! You promised not to tell anyone about that!"

"They're our bros now; they deserve to know."

"But it's not important!"

"How can a scar be embarrassing?" I wanted to know. Yosaku skipped backwards to avoid a punch from Johnny as the blue hunter let out an indignant yelp and tried to silence his partner.

"It was a falling statue with hidden blades in some pretty funky places. He missed most of 'em, but the lips… Johnny's got a scar that looks like a kiss mark."

"Why would you want to cover something like that?" came Sanji's voice from behind. Johnny growled, finally succeeding in hitting Yosaku upside the head.

"None of your business! It's just embarrassing, okay? I didn't like it!"

"Enough," Zoro growled. When Sanji went to protest, Ghin slapped him from behind. The cook turned to yell at him, but was silenced when Luffy groaned and captured everyone's attention.

"Are we there yet?" Our captain's words reminded us what we were climbing those stairs for. Everyone dropped their brawls and protests in favour of getting to the top- and thus our navigator- faster.

About an hour later, we emerged onto the main platform of the island. Not that we were at the top- no, there was still a spiky, card-motif castle rising above us. It had ropes extending from every window and peak, like someone had thought it was a zeppelin that needed to be tied down rather than a great fortress of stone and steel. Usopp pulled his goggles down over his eyes to act as binoculars as he looked around. Borodo pulled out a pair of actual binoculars and immediately looked up at the top of the castle. "There! Up there- I see your ship."

Usopp glanced in that direction, then burst into a smile. "He's right! I see Merry! Let's go!"

While the rest of my crew mates took off for the castle, I held back a little and fixed Borodo with a frown. "How'd you know exactly where to look? That was too quick."

"I- I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't lie to me." I narrowed my eyes almost to slits and bared my teeth slightly, trying to look as threatening as I could. "You knew who we were and what we were doing far too quickly after meeting us, especially considering Luffy doesn't have a bounty yet. Are you working with the Trumps?"

Akisu jumped in between me and his older brother. "Borodo would never do that! He wants to steal the Diamond Clock from them, to prove he's the greatest thief in the East Blue!"

"If I don't trust him, why would I trust you?" I glared down at Akisu. The boy cowered and hid behind his brother. "You're his partner; you'd be in on it too."

"He's not." Borodo hung his head. "I- You're right, I'm the one who stole your ship. But I swear I'm not working with the Trumps. When I saw you guys on the beach, I figured you'd be a great distraction while I snuck in. Taking your ship was the only way I could think of to get you involved."

"How'd you get the Going Merry up there if you're not working with the Trumps?" And for that matter, how did ships get up there at all? Why would people want them up there? If what was going on here was accurate to the movie, there were some things here that didn't seem to have been planned all that well.

"Trade secret. Part of being a great thief is being able to get anything into and out of anywhere. And before you ask, I know a shortcut from the resort island to here that I used to shift your ship. We could've taken it in the cutter if Usopp hadn't panicked and taken us off course."

"That explanation doesn't make me trust you. At all."

Borodo spread his arms, shooting me a look of hurt and understanding. "What promise can I give that will reassure you? I swear I don't mean your crew any harm."

"I don't know. I don't know what you hold dear enough to make an oath that means anything." Not that there was really a choice but to go on, trap or not, but still…

The thief sighed. Frowning, he took off one of his gloves. Underneath was a mechanical hand, almost identical to the one Luke Skywalker got at the end of Empire Strikes Back. Steel fingers clenched briefly, then extended palm-up in my direction. "I lost this arm rescuing Akisu from a shark two years ago. My- I swear on his life and this steel, I never meant your crew any harm, or worked with the Trumps in any way."

His tone… I believed him. Dropping all threatening actions, I went after the rest of my crew- after all, who knew what trouble they were getting into? Borodo and Akisu were right behind me as I headed off, and while the boy was confused, the elder thief knew I'd relaxed my suspicions without having to be told. Or at least, that's what his growing smile made me think.

We caught up with the rest of the Straw Hats in a town near the base of the castle. They were at a line of stores; Luffy and Zoro had grabbed some food; the swordsman was now wearing a black leather jacket instead of his montsuki kimono, and pants similar to what he usually preferred. Sanji switched out his suit for black pants and a turquoise Hawaiian shirt, while Johnny and Yosaku wore identical jeans with blue and green sweaters, respectively. Ghin had grey track pants and a maroon hoodie that made him look like a university student on a lazy Sunday. As for Usopp… obnoxiously orange coat that would've made Naruto proud.

"Ah- hey!" Sanji waved at Borodo as we approached, then turned back to the shopkeeper he'd been talking to. "See, there he is. The one with the red armband has the money."

The thief froze as our crew chuckled and departed, leaving him to the tender mercies of the little old lady. Luffy giggled and looked around as we made our way through the streets. Many store windows were full of intricate artwork and clockwork toys; the wouldn't have looked out of place in a resort town in my home world. "Shishishi! This place is awesome! So much cool stuff!"

A pair of frizzy-haired scientists sitting in a café overheard him. The woman shook her head. "Awesome? I never thought we'd get any visitors again, let alone one who would describe anything here as awesome."

"Huh? Why? All these toys and things are amazing!" Luffy spun, waving his arms. The male scientist answered him.

"They are, yes. Once upon a time, our island was famous for our clocks and toys; they were sought after all over the world. But now… Ever since the Trump Family took over, all we do is make weapons. If we try to resist, they threaten to destroy our island. I'm sure you noticed that it's not exactly the most stable landmass; our ancestors designed this place for beauty and science rather than durability. It would be far too easy for the Bear King to send us tumbling into the sea."

"Are you the ones who made the Diamond Clock?" Usopp asked, staring at the pins on their lab coats. Tiny watches, so small and precise they'd make a Swiss company proud.

"Yes…" The woman looked away. "We made it just before our son was born. But news of it spread across the East Blue, and that was what attracted the Trump Family to our island. If they'd just wanted to steal it, we would've been alright- we could always build another clock- but they wanted to use our crafting skills to make weapons. I wish… I wish we'd never made that horrid machine."

Luffy frowned. "Don't say things like that. You were proud when you made it, weren't you?"

"Yes, of course."

"Then keep being proud of it. You couldn't know that the Trumps would come. And even if you did know someone like that might show up, you can't do anything worthwhile without taking a few risks." My captain grinned, fingering the edges of his hat with one hand. "That's what makes an adventure, ne?"

The scientists stared at him for a moment, unsure what to make of this happy-go-lucky boy who'd appeared out of nowhere. I decided to try and put their minds at ease. Although… White coats. Authority figures. Even with them being as subdued as they were, I felt a brief thrill of fear while addressing them.

"I- I know things have gone about as bad as they could, much worse than you could've imagined. But… Things can always get better." I rubbed my forearms. "Take it from someone who- not knows, exactly, but is working on it. Especially with Luffy around. The Bear King… He took our navigator, so our captain's gonna kick his ass. And that's not just faith- that's a fact."

"Really?" The scientists looked doubtful. Zoro folded his arms and scowled at them.

"Really. We're the Straw Hats; we won't lose that easy. 'Specially not once we get our proper weapons back. But you know… You can't rely on people like us all the time. An island like this… Even if you hate making weapons, you really should have a few around in case someone like these Trump idiots tries to take over again."

The scientists were left speechless. They just stared as we walked away, unable to cope with Zoro's casual combativeness any more than they were with Luffy's carefree talk of risks and adventure. And there was something familiar about their expressions… Or maybe just their faces in general. Kind of reminded me of Akisu. But maybe that was just my imagination.

We were out of town and right at the base of the castle by the time Borodo and Akisu caught up to us again. The thieves were panting and scowling at our cook.

"That wasn't very nice!" Akisu tried to kick Sanji in the shin. The cook huffed and stepped out of the way.

"What did you expect? We're pirates, and we don't have any money right now. It's all with Nami." Sanji danced like a noodle at the thought of our navigator. Zoro rolled his eyes and calmed the chef down with a solid thump on the head.

Borodo looked at me and rubbed the back of his head. "It- it's fine. I sort of deserve it. So, I'm starting to get the idea that there's not much point in asking this, but do you guys have a plan? Besides just beating them up and rescuing your ship and navigator?"

"No." Luffy picked his nose. "Do we need a plan? I'm good at beating people up."

"Well, things might go easier for you if you could get right to the top from the outside, instead of trying to fight your way up through the castle itself. The Trump Family has a lot of minions in there, and even if a lot of them aren't the smartest, they're persistent and dangerous."

Zoro grinned. "So are we."

Ghin raised an eyebrow in Borodo's direction. "Why? Do you have a plan?"

"Not a plan, exactly, but I do have a way to get op the tower without having to go inside." Borodo led us to a series of ropes and pulleys hidden on one side of the castle. These ropes ended with a hidden basket, making a sort-of outdoor dumbwaiter. Wood and metal creaked as Borodo tugged and fiddled until the pulleys were able to move easily.

The basket was a little small for ten people, but it still rose into the air. Luffy clapped and stared at the town below as we ascended. "Hey! Those windmills look just like mine! I wonder if it came from one of those shops earlier?"

"You have a windmill?" Johnny asked, confused. The captain nodded and pulled a small, wooden toy out of his pocket. It was indeed a windmill, with a roof that looked like a pink version of a Dairy Queen soft serve swirl.

"Yup! I found it in a tidal pool back on the resort island." Luffy turned the key on the bottom; nothing happened. He frowned. "Aww, it broke. I must've sat on it or something…"

"Give it here." Akisu pulled a few tools from his coat pocket and took the roof off the little toy. He fiddled around with it for a minute, then put it back together and turned the key experimentally. The windmill's blades spun around, accompanied by a faint chiming music.

Luffy beamed as he took his toy back. "Shishishi! You're pretty good at this stuff!"

The little boy flushed and looked away. When he spoke, his voice was full of embarrassment and pride. "I've always been good with my hands. Borodo taught me, but he says I'm already better than he is."

I looked down over the other side of the basket, revelling in the joy of near-flight. Below and off to one side I could see the gate into Trump Castle, located not far above the main island platform. Behind it were a large number of pirates, who seemed to be setting up for a celebration of some sort. Yep, taking the dumbwaiter instead of trying to get in the normal way was a good idea. While Zoro and Luffy would usually have no problem taking on that many mooks, it might be tougher with the swordsman down a few blades.

We were about three-quarters of the way up when a window opened facing us. Out jumped Boo Jack, carrying a bundle of clothing for Honey- who appeared out of a pipe seconds later. Naked. Both landed on the lines that came down from the castle and stared down at us. Honey dressed herself with a lack of hurry that was mildly disturbing.

Sanji's eyes turned to hearts; a trickle of blood ran down from his nose. This time it was Ghin who punched the cook to calm him down. "Quit flirting with the enemy already! You're embarrassing!"

Zoro smirked. "I knew there was a reason I liked you."

"Aw... The peasants are trying to disturb Papa's wedding." Honey pouted. "Let's take them down Boo Jack."

"Heh, heh. On it!" The pig-man jumped from his line and rolled through the air like a ball, aiming for the dumbwaiter. Tabarnak. His spikes would tear right through the ropes!

"Oh no you don't! I won't let you keep us from saving Nami!" Sanji jumped up and slammed his uninjured foot into the spinning human projectile. There was a sickening crack; Sanji yelped as his leg snapped in an odd direction. Spikes tore into his skin, drawing blood. The force of the impact also sent the cook flying away, falling to slam into the dirt with a loud crunch. Meanwhile his attacker came out of his tumble and landed on one of the castle's many ropes like some sort of circus performer.

"I've got one Honey!" Boo Jack ran down his rope and grabbed Sanji off the ground, racing into the castle before anyone had time to react. Honey shook her head.

"We're trying to take them down, not take them as souvenirs. Foolish younger brother." A wave of her arm sent grape Jell-O washing over the dumbwaiter. Sticky goo clogged the pulleys. The additional weight of the Jell-O combined with the force of the attack made the dumbwaiter swing violently and begin to fall. Honey shot us a malicious smile as she strode up a rope and back into the castle.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Johnny, Yosaku, Akisu, and Usopp hugged each other as we went down. Zoro and Ghin growled, knuckles going white as they gripped the sides of the basket. Borodo rummaged in his messenger bag for something. Beside me, Luffy started giggling.

"Shishishi! This is fun!"

"That it is Captain, but if we don't stop it now, everyone but you'll go splat." Time to use my whip for its intended purpose- random moments of awesome.

"Oh yeah! Not-rubber people don't bounce. Ah! What do we do?!"

"This!" I snapped my whip out with a mighty crack. Did you know the sound of a bullwhip is made by a tiny sonic boom? The end of my whip wrapped around one of the many ropes above us in a way that would make Zorro or Uncle Indy proud. It plucked me out of the dumbwaiter basket, leather snapping tight.

I didn't see what was happening to the rest of my crew mates after that, although I heard a few seconds of yelling and giggling before something smashed below me. The reason I couldn't see what happened was that I was holding my whip with both hands and couldn't really turn my head very far, what with the way my arms were raised. It was at this point I realized a flaw in my plan- I was now dangling with nothing under my feet and no walls nearby for me to climb. Oops.

"Tabarnak… Never covered anything like this at parkour…" I looked around as best I could. Nope, still nothing nearby except the castle's ropes. Well… I mean, I was strong enough that I could probably hang here for several hours, waiting for my crew mates to have time to come get me. But I didn't want to play damsel in distress. What was my training worth if I couldn't save myself? There weren't even any enemies around shooting or anything.

Wind blew past the castle ropes, making a low whistling noise and causing the one I was hanging from to bounce. My whip slid a little; my stomach plummeted as I dropped a few centimeters.

Come on! There had to be some way I could get out of this! I tried twisting from side to side to get a better look around, but this just made my whip slip again. My hands started to sweat; a shot of adrenaline ran down my spine. This only served to make the problem greater- damp palms aren't the best at gripping leather handles.

Merde, merde, shit, shit, shit! I held on tighter, so tight I felt the folds in the leather wrapping digging into my hands. In the back of my mind I was well aware that this would do nothing; the rest of me was more occupied with panic. I had no control here, no idea what to do… Nothing I'd ever done or even seen had prepared me for this.

The wind gusted again, setting me swinging back and forth. Each swing made my whip slide a tiny bit- and there wasn't much whip left. Then I felt something brush against my foot. It was out behind me, about four feet below and two back- one of the castle's other ropes. Close enough, sure, but such an awkward position… The non-panicking part of my mind took over. When next the wind made me swing back, I threw my weight into it. The end of my whip unwrapped from my initial rope at that motion.

For a brief second, I was in free-fall. Terror ran through my body. This wasn't like a vault; more like skydiving. Except without a parachute. And I had no idea how to skydive.

Then I fell- though not very far. The rope I'd been aiming for hit me in the stomach; I wrapped myself around it as best I could. At first I slid, almost rolling off. Getting one leg over the rope fixed that, allowing me to hook on with my knee. I lay awkwardly on the rope for a moment. My breath came in ragged pants; my heart pounded in my chest. Of all the ridiculous, dangerous, idiotic stunts I'd ever tried, that had to take the cake. Or maybe the whole bakery.

I rolled my whip up with trembling hands and clipped it in place on my hip. Okay… Now what? Looking around made the rope shake, forcing me to latch on with all four limbs. I couldn't see any of the others anywhere, even after I spotted the wrecked basket of the dumbwaiter. They must be inside already. Well, in that case, I had two options- slide down to the ground and enter the castle through the main gate, or climb up and enter through a window.

…Window it was.

Rough prickles of hemp poked through my shirt and tickled my hands as I pulled myself up the rope. Little threads tore off and got stuck under my fingernails. It took a few minutes to get up to the window, during which time I kept glancing up with baited breath. If anyone had seen me, I would've been a sitting duck. But no one did.

The window nearest my rope was slightly above and to my left. I could reach the bottom corner from where I was, though, so opening it wouldn't be a problem. Climbing in though… Eh, I'd manage. Fingertips against glass, focus through… Smash. The pane shattered, showering me with tiny shards of glass. I reached into the window frame and brushed away even more shards so I wouldn't cut myself when I put my weight on it. Actually climbing in required that I sit up, only holding the rope with my legs and reaching off to the side in a way that made my spine twinge. But once I had a hold of the sill, I could climb in like it was any other wall, which after the skydiving stunt minutes before was a tremendous relief.

Of course, now I had no idea where I was going. I kept my footsteps as quiet as I could, peeking around corners and checking reflections any time I passed a window. No one. But while a lack of enemies was good, my inability to find stairs or an elevator or anything was a problem. I found two bathrooms, a bedroom, and three closets, as well as a number of locked doors. It… took an embarrassingly long time for it to occur to me that one of those doors could have Nami behind it.

"Tabarnak! Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I kept my voice low, hissing at myself. Seriously- hadn't years of Dungeons and Dragons and fantasy video games taught me to check every room and loot every chest? Lack of actual lock-picking proficiency aside, why did I not think to check every room for mission objectives and cool loot? Probably because it was a little different seeing things from this side of the story.

I went back to the nearest locked door and smashed a focus break into the upper half of the wood. A large chunk broke and fell inwards, splinters digging into my palm. Reaching through the hole, I groped around for the doorknob to get the door open. This was how I got myself caught with my arm through a door, more or less trapped, as I stepped into a room where Honey was examining what appeared to be different bridesmaid gowns.

Golden eyebrows arched in my direction. "You peasants are still trying to interrupt Papa's wedding? Really?" Honey sighed and stepped over, grabbing my trapped arm before I could pull back. She placed her other hand over my face and poured grape Jell-O into my mouth and nose.

Purple goo blinded me, choking me. I tried to kick Honey and I think I succeeded, but it was hard to tell. Even if I made contact, my foot just went through her fluid body. Seriously, this was unfair! Grape Jell-O was not a valid choice for a logia! How did her fruit work? Was this the movie's fault or my writer's? I continued to struggle, lungs and throat burning, until blackness replaced the purple goo over my vision and I knew no more.

X

When I woke up, I was hanging from a cross. Ropes wound around my arms and legs just above my training weights, which added an extra layer against me being able to slip out. There were more crosses on either side of me; three of them held crew mates. Sanji, Zoro, Usopp. All three were already awake, and far more alert than I. All of us had been stripped of weapons- and in my case, my bandoliers and utility belt- although they were all piled within my line of vision. That was careless of whoever had captured us. If we got out, we could be armed in seconds.

All of this- crosses, prisoners, and weaponry- was arranged in a half circle out on a vast balcony. Grand glass doors in front of us showed into the room at the top of the castle's highest tower; inside, I could see Honey, Boo Jack, Pin Joker, and Skunk One dressed up for a party. The Bear King sat on an enormous throne on the other end of the room, with Nami kneeling on one side. She didn't look hurt, just uncomfortable and pissed off. Although I couldn't see from where I was whether she was bound or not.

Coughing up Jell-O, I turned my head to look at Zoro and Usopp. "So… How'd you get caught?"

"Ratty weirdo with paralyzing gas coming out of his fart backpack," Usopp coughed.

Zoro groaned. "Weird clown swordsman who somehow fired poison darts out of his rapier. Claimed I'd scarred his face, but I don't remember ever having met him before. And the one thief took off on us; said that if we couldn't save the island, he'd do it himself. Apparently he stole the Merry to lure us here or something. You?"

"Drowned in Jell-O by a half-naked tart." I tugged at my bindings, but they didn't feel like they were going to bust any time soon. "Anyone think they can get out?"

"If we could, we would've already." Zoro was actually panting. "I can still barely move from whatever poison Pin Joker used."

I turned my head the other way. "Sanji?"

"Afraid not Jones. Shitty pig-man tore up my other foot, and I think my leg's broken."

Usopp let out an indignant wheeze. "Hey! Why aren't you asking me?"

"Mostly cause if Zoro and Sanji can't get out, I don't expect you to be able to. Why? Can you?"

"…No…"

"That's what I thought." They'd even taken my Swiss Army Knife out of my pocket. I glared at the heap of confiscated weapons and tools. Use the Force Jones… Willing my knife to fly into my hand did absolutely nothing. Or, maybe not- after a few minutes it gave me a pretty killer headache. That might have been all the squinting and glaring though.

My growl of frustration was cut off by the grinding of gears. A great steel box rose from the floor in front of the balcony door, blocking my view in. Must've been an elevator of some sort. Although, while I couldn't see what was going on anymore, I could hear just fine as Borodo's voice cut the air.

"I can't let you keep going like this Bear King! I've come to free this island- for Akisu, and for all the scientists you've enslaved."

The voice that answered him was dark and gruff. "You and what army? Those no-bounty pirates you came with? We've already caught half of them; the rest won't be far behind."

Borodo laughed. It was a harsh, deranged sound- panicked; a laugh to cover up fear. "Did you forget? I'm a thief! We always have a plan B- and as long as Akisu's safe, I don't care anymore what happens to me."

There was a sound of heavy cloth crumpling on the floor- like when you throw a pair of jeans across your bedroom and they don't land quite where you expected. Someone gasped-I couldn't tell who. Then the Bear King started laughing. "You fool! Do you not see what's under the floor? If you blow this room up, the whole island will go down! How does that tie in with your plan to save everyone?"

No reply. Something clattered to the ground. This was followed by heavy footsteps, a muffled grunt of fear, and the smashing of flesh and bone against metal. After a moment, dents began appearing in the raised elevator. A few of them were even person-shaped- I wondered how much force was required to make dents like that. And not just overall force either- the incredible concentration of it, to not disperse on impact with the steel. What impressed me most, though, was that Borodo didn't cry out. It was stupid of him- a yell or something gets the air out of your lungs so they don't pop like balloons on impact- but brave.

Tiny footsteps slapped against stone under the sound of the beating. Maudit- don't tell me Akisu was running into the battle zone. The little boy yelled with unintelligible anger; whatever he tried to do was cut off with a thump as one of the Trumps took him out. I strained against my bonds. If only I could get free, I could at least get the kid out of there! Zoro and Sanji struggled beside me; none of us were even able to loosen the ropes.

And then a section of the castle… erupted, for lack of a better term. A column of rooms like layers of some sort of demented cake popped and squeezed upwards like they were being forced out of a tube of toothpaste, falling back and tumbling over the edge of the island as something pushed them up from underneath. A rubbery twang echoed from the resulting hole, followed by a heavy thump and two voices.

"Bear King! I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"Don Luffy, I agree this man's ass needs kicking, but would it kill you to take the stairs?" Ghin sounded like he was in pain. Given how unreliable landings were when flying Air Gum-Gum, he probably was.

"But that's too slow! And not cool enough!" I smiled, hearing those words in my captain's voice. He was definitely Garp's grandson. Then there was a small scuffing noise- familiar, but I couldn't place it. "Oh hey, what's this? Shishishi! It burns well!"

"Put that down! It's dynamite!"

"Oh. Okay." Something small struck metal and rolled around; my stomach decided to vacate my body via my knees. "He Bear King! Where'd you put our friends?!"

"Hahahahaha! You idiot! You've just saved me the trouble of disposing of them by blowing them up yourself!"

It was worse than standing next to a cannon when it went off. I didn't even hear the full noise; my hearing was gone after the first blast, replaced by ringing and dizzying pressure. Shrapnel tore through my clothes, slicing into skin; I felt warm beads of blood welling up and trickling down from everywhere. My eyes were only saved because of my glasses, which received a great scratch across one lens from flying metal. Even so, I couldn't see right away; the heat and flash left me blinking away spots as I gagged on the smell of burnt bananas and hot steel.

One good thing came of being caught in the explosion- the shrapnel ripped through my bindings like a forty-six Ford through a DeLorean. I fell to the ground, barely coherent enough for a proper break-fall. Zoro and Usopp were in the same boat. The blast had freed Sanji too, but with both feet injured and one leg twisted in an odd direction, I doubted the cook would be in fighting condition any time soon. Where was Chopper when you needed him?

…Rhetorical question. Don't answer that.

"Luffy, you idiot!" Usopp jumped through the smoke to hit our captain over the head as soon as he regained his senses. Half a second later the sniper rushed past me in the other direction, Skunk One hot on his tail. Fingers scrabbled on stone as Usopp raced to climb the outer wall of the castle. Of course- the pool with the Merry in it was just above us. He was going for his weapon.

Speaking of which… I dove for my own armaments, grabbing the first thing that came to my hand. Gun. I fired as soon as the smoke cleared, aiming for Bear King's leg at the same moment Luffy attacked the Trump captain with a Gum-Gum Gatling. My captain's attack did nothing; my own missed entirely, reflected off the barrel of the biggest cannon I'd ever seen, and punched a hole in a window.

"Hahahahaha! You kids can't possibly defeat me- my Hard-Hard Fruit makes me immune to physical attack!"

Luffy shouted at me over his shoulder. "Jones! Find your own fight- this guy's mine!"

"Sorry!" Okay, gun was a bad idea. I was a lousy shot, and at this range I might hit my crew mates. So I grabbed my sais instead, bringing them around just in time to catch the spinning spiked ball that was Boo Jack. While my weapons were enough to make sure I wasn't sliced open by the aforementioned spikes, I was thrown backwards into a railing from the force of the impact. Pain bloomed across my spine.

"Zoro! Ghin! Catch!" Usopp had reached the Merry. Three katana and a set of tonfa fell from the sky. Their wielders growled as they raced to catch them.

"Be more careful with other people's things, idiot!" Zoro actually caught Wado Ichimonji in his mouth. The swordsman turned to face Pin Joker with a snarl. "So… How about we try this again? Without a portcullis for your cheating ass to hide behind."

"You'll still lose- my Sword of Needles is inconceivable!"

Zoro blew away the darts that came at him as Pin Joker lunged. "Tatsumaki! Oni Giri!" And that was anticlimactic. One good hit was all it took. The Straw Hat swordsman winced as the movement caused some of his previously acquired injuries to resume bleeding. "I'd say the word you were looking for was invincible, but you weren't even close. As if I could lose to someone like you- I've still got a long journey ahead of me before I face Mihawk again."

I braced myself as Boo Jack rolled at me again, flipping my sais around for a double low thrust. Right before impact, my vision was blocked by a maroon hoodie. A horrid grinding noise rang through the air as the pig-man's spinning spikes grated against Ghin's tonfa. The former Krieg pirate huffed and flung Boo Jack to one side. "This one's outta your league Jones; let me handle him."

"Fine." He was right, but it stung. So I slipped to the side and ran into the castle with the intent of engaging Honey- she couldn't be a logia, whatever she was, so there had to be a way for me to beat her.

Footsteps on stairs; Johnny and Yosaku entered the room at the same time I did, carrying a large barrel between them. Luffy giggled as a punch from Bear King sent him flying over the hunters' heads. "Shishishishi! There you guys are! Where'd you go?"

"Needed to get something bro." The hunters placed their barrel on the floor and took the lid off. Inside was… nothing? What- were they expecting it to be easy to just shove a Devil Fruit user in a barrel?

Honey laughed at first, when I swiped a sai through her head and spun the other to jam its tsukagashira into her stomach. Jell-O squished and oozed around my hands. Let's see… Gelatin, gelatin… Melts at a point lower than human body temperatures… Related to collagen-based glues… Readily soluble in polarized solvents… But I didn't have any nail polish remover with me! "Johnny! Yosaku! Do either of you have any acetic acid, methanol, or ethanol?"

"…What?"

"Vinegar, rubbing alcohol, or rum?!" It took me a moment to translate chemistry into everyday uses. "Really, anything with alcohol of any kind would be appreciated!"

"Why didn't you say that in the first place Big Sis? Just hold on a minute!" Johnny ran out of the room. Yosaku joined me in striking futilely at Honey as the Jell-O lady tried to drown me in sticky goo. I was better prepared this time though; she couldn't catch me as easily when I wasn't stuck in a door.

"Where's he going?"

"Well Sis, they're getting set for a wedding or something here. There's a whole room down below full of rum and cakes and stuff."

"Oh. That'll do."

Luckily, Honey wasn't actually a very good fighter when it got up close and personal. Indoors she couldn't swamp everyone with waves of Jell-O- not unless she wanted to hit her own family too. Once Ghin beat Boo Jack into the floor, the gelatin lady let out a squeak of fear and tried to disappear into a pipe; Yosaku got there just before she did and blocked it by shoving his shirt into the intake. That was when Johnny returned.

"Big Sis, catch!" The blue hunter threw a trio of rum bottles at my head. Okay, what was with everyone throwing weapons that weren't meant to be thrown? That was dangerous!

Growling, I did one better. Instead of trying to catch the bottles, I spun my sais up and out to smash them, spraying Honey with alcohol and shards of glass. Except… I only had two hands, and there were three bottles. The third still smashed alright, but it did so against my forehead. So while Honey went down nursing chemical burns as alcohol ate at her gelatinous body, I went down with my eyes spinning and blood dripping down my face. Or was it rum? Maybe both; I thought I tasted both.

Yosaku at least had the sense to stuff Honey in the barrel and close it before going to hit Johnny. "Be more careful! You hit Big Sis!"

"Ow! Sorry…"

"Save it for later guys. We're not done here." Nami was up, a rope dangling from her hands. So she had been bound. "If you haven't noticed, there's still a huge gun to take care of, and Luffy's having zero luck fighting Bear King. Whose arm is on fire."

I looked around, shaking my head. "So the lights aren't a concussion. That's nice to know." But how was Bear King's arm on fire? Hadn't he just said he had the Hard-Hard Fruit? Eh, maybe it was some sort of gadget he'd forced the scientists to make for him. That seemed likely.

"You should still stay down." Borodo staggered to the four of us, leaning on a wall for support. "Even if that's not why you're seeing lights, you might still have a concussion. Let me handle this." The thief climbed shakily onto a seat that was attached to the back of the giant cannon and began fiddling with a group of levers. After a few seconds, a shell- full on shell, not just a cannonball- exploded out of the barrel and headed straight for Bear King.

Hearing protection! Why didn't I think to buy hearing protection when we were in Loguetown? At this rate, I would be deaf by the time we got to Jaya.

The hairy hulk of a man twisted to one side just in time, the shell smashing through a window and exploding out over the sea. "You-! How dare you?! I'll teach you to use my own weapons against me!"

Bear King pulled a pistol from within his shaggy coat. The gun looked like it had been kludged together from an assortment of nuts and bolts, but it fired as well- and as loudly- as any flintlock. And it was aimed straight for Borodo's chest. That's not who it hit though, because from the moment Bear King took aim, Akisu was moving. By the time he shot, the boy had jumped in front of his older brother. It was Akisu who took the bullet in the chest.

My brain went blank- and from the enraged yells I heard around me, I wasn't the only one. A child- that was too far. It didn't matter that Akisu was the one who moved, that Bear King had been aiming for Borodo. I forgot my captain's previous orders; I dropped my sais and ran at the head of the Trump family. The result? A very large fist slammed me into a wall, hard enough that I could barely maintain consciousness, let alone get up to fight again. Behind me, cracks formed in the stone.

But for that fraction of a second, Bear King was distracted. This gave Luffy an opening. And since the Hard-Hard Fruit made punching the hairy man an exercise in futility, my captain decided to throw him instead. "Gum-Gum Bazooka!"

The last window smashed as Bear King flew through it. A few long seconds passed as the Trump captain soared out of sight, ending in a faint splash. For a moment everyone was silent, frozen. Then a small voice coughed.

"Bo… rodo? You're okay?"

"What?" Borodo's eyes went wide with surprise. He moved as if to hug Akisu, then stopped at the last second, not wanting to hurt the boy more. "I- I'm fine. You- Akisu, you're alive?"

In response, the boy smiled and pulled a thick, irregular chunk of steel from under his jacket. "That scrap you always pick up was useful after all."

"And I'll never let you forget it again." Borodo picked up his little brother and checked him for other injuries. Aside from a massive bruise, Akisu was fine.

This broke the spell of shock that had fallen over everyone else. Nami stalked over to Luffy and swatted him over the head. "You better have a plan for retrieving that idiot, idiot! Until we get bounties of our own, people like him are worth money!"

"Sorry… But Nami, he was an asshole. Anyone who'd shoot a kid deserves it!"

"I…" The navigator deflated. "You're right. He's scum, and he deserved what he got."

Awkward silence. Sanji and I broke it simultaneously with groans of pain. The cook managed to lever himself up onto his good leg and half-hop, half-drag himself along a wall until he was closer to the rest of us. "I don't suppose there's a doctor on this shitty island? Jones looks like she's in bad shape and I- ugh- I'm not at my best either."

"Fuck." Ghin looked at Borodo, who nodded. The former Krieg pirate put down his tonfa and picked me up on his back. "Johnny, Yosaku, get the cook. Zoro, can I trust you to get everyone's stuff back to the Merry?"

"Yeah." The swordsman looked a little insulted by the insinuation that he would even consider doing otherwise.

I did my best to hold onto Ghin's shoulders, but my arms felt like noodles. Sore noodles. My brain really, really wanted to check out right now; I was going to be regretting this day for a while, if the bruises I could feel on my everything were anything to go by. But a chiming noise was keeping me awake, loud and insistent. Musical too, like a great Bavarian clock. Which, I figured out once I could convince two brain cells to work together without hurting, was more or less what it was. The Diamond Clock that had started this whole debacle.

Even that chiming couldn't keep me awake for long though. Especially with the rhythmic bobbing that was Ghin walking down the stairs. Blackness crept in as my brain checked out, deciding that I was in too much pain and it could deal with everything later.

X

I woke up on the deck of the Going Merry, seated against a crate someone had brought up from the hold. Sanji was nearby- he was up and standing, one leg raised gingerly as he leaned on a pair of crutches. The cook smiled when he saw I was awake. "How're you feeling Jones?"

"Like I got sat on by a cow. How's your leg?"

"Not broken, so better than I thought. Twisted my knee and sprained my ankle, but I should be alright in a few days. Shitty doctor said to try and take it easy, but…" The cook shrugged and lit a cigarette.

"That's good. That you didn't break it, I mean." I tried to stand up and immediately regretted it. Nope, I'd just stay here with the nice crate for a little while. "So, what'd I miss?"

"Well, Nami and the shitty thief got our ship down- they won't tell anybody how, trade secrets or something- and the two scientists we met in the café are Akisu's parents."

"Of course they are." I shook my head. "Gotta give the movie some semblance of coherency."

"What?"

"Never mind. Not important." A slow look around revealed that we were already out at sea, Clockwork Island disappearing behind us. Funny, I thought that the islands from the movies usually got destroyed at the end by Luffy's final fight. But I'd only actually seen two, so maybe I was wrong.

Borodo pulled up beside us in his little cutter. "Well Straw Hats, I guess this is goodbye. Thanks for your help- even if it didn't go quite the way I expected."

Nami smiled at him from her chart table. "That's a common reaction to our crew. So… Are you even actually a thief? You left the Diamond Clock behind."

"Of course I am. I just… Akisu and his family are more important than some clock, no matter how much I could sell it for."

Our navigator looked out over the Merry- at Usopp fiddling with his ammunition, at Johnny and Yosaku doing something suspicious with a packet of blue dye and a piece of tinsel, at Zoro and Ghin sparring. "Yeah. I know what you mean."

Then Luffy vaulted off the figurehead and bounced over. "Hey Frodo! Where's your partner?"

Borodo bit his lip. "I- I left him on Clockwork Island. Akisu's just a kid; I couldn't ask him to keep getting involved with my stunts now that it's safe for him to be at home. Besides, with the treasure I was able to loot from the Trumps' treasury, I can hire someone more competent to help out."

"So you're trying to replace me, huh?" Akisu tore out of the cutter's tiny cabin and kicked Borodo in the back of the knee. The elder thief froze.

"A-Akisu? I thought you were staying with your parents."

The boy stared at the deck, shuffling and biting his lip. "I- They- Mom and Dad are nice and all, and I like knowing that they're there for me to visit, but you're the one who raised me. My big brother!" Then Akisu looked up, defiance and love filling his eyes in equal measure. "Besides, they're busy now working on the island's new defense system, and you're hopeless on your own."

"Oh really?" Borodo's face morphed from confusion to an amused smile. Akisu nodded.

"Yeah! Which is why we should split the treasure fifty-fifty!"

"Hey! We agreed when you were five- seventy-thirty."

"I'm not five anymore and I just took a bullet for you! I want a raise!"

Their arguing grew slowly fainter as the Merry left the little cutter behind. It made me smile. Akisu was a special little guy, to bounce back so quickly after what had happened- especially at his age. He'd make a great dashing rogue someday- a real Errol Flynn type. Or maybe Johnny Depp, given the average tendencies of this world.

Remembering something important, I looked up at Nami. "Do we have-?"

"All five are tied up in the cargo hold, like we did with Arlong and his men. I'm looking for the nearest marine base now- anywhere but Loguetown. I don't think going back there would be a good idea with the way that girl with the sword and glasses was glaring at Zoro when we left."

"Probably a good idea. I don't think we could keep Luffy from blurting out that we're pirates in front of Smoker again." A dark speck on the horizon filled me with dread. Were we about to be attacked again? "Usopp, what's that?"

The sniper glanced in the direction I was pointing with a frown. "Didn't you buy all kinds of tools and stuff when we were in Loguetown?"

"Yes. Your point?"

"Can't you check what it is yourself? Why do I have to do it?"

"Because I don't have binoculars or a spyglass or anything. Can't use them with my glasses on, can't see through them if I take my glasses off; no point."

"Oh." Usopp pulled his goggles down over his eyes and looked. "Huh. Hey Johnny! Do marine ships accept prisoner transfer from bounty hunters?"

"Sometimes. Why?"

"Marine ship, port horizon!"

That… I doubted whatever movie this was ended with a marine chase. This smelled like shenanigans- especially since I could only think of two or three marine ships that might be sailing alone in the area right now. Not that I knew marine patrol patterns or anything, but still. This was just a little too coincidental. I dragged myself to my feet and staggered over to the sniper, wincing with every step. "Can you see the figurehead?"

"Yeah, it's a bulldog. Why?"

Tabarnak. Why was stuffing in a movie not enough- why did my writer have to pull in a contrived coincidence early meeting too? Hopefully the answer was just so that we could get the Trumps out of our hold. But how do you hide a hyperactive rubber boy from his grandfather when said grandfather can use kenbunshoku haki? Why couldn't my writer have just had us find a small marine outpost on some random island or something?

Luffy froze at Usopp's words. "B-bulldog figurehead? You're sure?"

"Yep."

My stomach decided once again to leave via my knees. From the expression on his face, Luffy felt the same. The rubber boy clutched the edges of his hat, pulling the poor, abused straw down around his ears as if he was trying to hide in it. "Jones! Why's he here?"

"I- The paper said he's on his way to pick up Morgan for transport to Impel Down."

"The marine asshole Zoro and I beat up? Okay. What do we do?"

"Hide." I turned to the rest of the crew. "Furl the mainsail! Take the flag down! Hide anything with our Jolly Roger on it!" So saying, I took off my necklace and shoved it in my pocket. For once I didn't bother to hide the fear in my voice and face. After all, if Luffy was terrified, it was perfectly acceptable for anyone else to be.

Everyone was confused, but they rushed to do as I said. Our marks were all hidden in seconds, even the tiny ones Usopp had been doodling on his hand while he worked. Luffy trembled beside me as I tried to figure out how to beat a vice-admiral's haki.

"Jones, Jones, Jones! He's gonna find me, and take me, and make me into a marine… What do I do? I don't wanna be a marine!"

"Shush! I'm thinking!" Which was hard. My heart raced; a lump of fear growing in my throat made my voice come out as a croak. Let's see… The primary use of kenbunshoku haki was to read intentions for tracking and dodging purposes. Being tired from Clockwork Island would probably mute and distort Luffy's aura or whatever- although Garp had seen Luffy tired before, so I couldn't bet on that. Maybe if Luffy thought un-Luffy-like thoughts? If Garp wasn't actively looking for his grandson, that might be enough. Or… Not thinking had kept- would keep?- Enel from getting a read on Luffy in Skypiea.

"Captain, you need to hide in the head. Make yourself as small as you can and don't think of anything- or if you have to think, think about quantum mechanics." That should be sufficiently un-Luffy-like enough to throw Garp off.

"Okay. But what are quantum mechs? Can I eat them?"

"No. I- Look, I'll explain later. Try and figure it out yourself while you're hiding. If you get it right, I'll get Sanji to make you a special dessert." Stupid promise; I didn't understand quantum mechanics well enough to explain them to anyone. But Luffy wouldn't care anyway, so it was fine.

Luffy nodded and scrambled across the deck, disappearing below so fast I smelled burnt rubber. And just in time too. The marine ship had spotted us and was coming our way. Moments later there was a man o'war first class towering over the Merry, covering our deck in shadow. I staggered back to my crate to lean on it, unsure if I'd make it through this whole encounter standing if I didn't have support.

White suit, piercing brown eyes, a broad grin in a wrinkled face- Garp stared down at us and my knees started shaking. On screen he was funny; in person, not so much. "You brats need help?"

I opened my mouth; no sound came out. A few more tries yielded the same result. Unable to come up with any words, I shook my head and stared at the deck. Even without making eye contact I was getting dizzy. Not good. Then I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. Zoro.

"Calm down Jones. Can't have you passing out again." The swordsman looked up at Garp. "Nah, we're fine. But we've got some bounties in the hold if you're interested."

Garp raised an eyebrow. "You're that bounty hunter all the East Blue recruits hate- Roronoa Zolo, right?"

"It's Zoro. And I don't care if they hate me, as long as they don't get in my way. Do you want the guys we captured or not?" The swordsman folded his arms.

"Who are they?"

"Some guys called the Trump Family or something. They took over an island for a while." A vein was twitching at Zoro's temple; every word was bitten out with unnecessary force. Right, he hated lying. Not that he had yet, not really, but even lying by omission wasn't his thing.

"Bring 'em out. If they're who you say they are, we'll take 'em."

A tall man in a brown suit cleared his throat beside Garp. That would be Bogart, or whatever his name was. Something like that. "Sir, that's against regulations. We're not supposed to exchange bounties on the way to a court martial pickup."

"Bah. Regulations're no fun. You're starting to sound like Senny. Don't do that; it'll make you an old man too early."

Bogart sighed. "Of course sir."

Johnny and Yosaku ran to retrieve the Trump Family from the hold. Garp grunted and nodded when he saw them. "Alright, that's them. Someone get the bounty money while I pick 'em up." The old marine jumped down to our ship, landing with an echoing thump.

"So, how'd you catch these guys?" Garp stared at the bound and gagged Trumps. "Captains around here've been looking for them for years."

Zoro was silent. I could feel the air temperature dropping as he and Garp stared at each other. Merde. Come on voice, work, work. Still staring at the deck, I wrung my hands until my nails started tearing little nicks in my skin. "I- um, a man who was desperate to save the, uh, island they took over led us to them." Yay! Words!

Garp looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "And who're you?"

"J-Jones, sir."

"Jones what?"

Maudit. Why did he want my full name? How did he even know Jones wasn't my full name? But before I could say anything, Zoro beat me to it. "Just call her Jones, old man. Works well enough."

"Old man?! Don't you know who I am, brat?" Garp puffed up like an angry rooster; for a moment I was worried he would punch our swordsman. Then again, if anyone on the crew could take one of those blows and keep coming, it was Zoro.

"Sorry, no. Should I?"

"Bwahahahahahaha!" Garp went from indignant to laughing in the blink of an eye. "I thought everyone did these days! Maybe I should come home more often, if kids in the East Blue don't recognize me. Garp the Fist."

Usopp squeaked. "The- the marine hero who captured Gold Roger?" Note to self, tell crew mates the last pirate king's real name.

"Yep! That's me!" Garp grabbed the Trumps one by one and more or less flung them up onto his own ship. So careless… But I guess when you're both a D and a marine hero, you can get away with doing things like that. "Born and raised here in the East Blue- still come back to see my grandson sometimes. Maybe I should take him on a recruiting run, get kids like you used to seeing me around again."

"Sir! The bounty money!" One of the marines tossed a briefcase over to the Merry. Garp caught it and looked around.

"Who's in charge of money and stuff around here? Where's your captain?"

"Money would be me." Nami came over to take the briefcase and count the bills inside. She opened it up on her chart table. "Our captain's… indisposed. Something he ate disagreed with him; he's been shut up in the head for the past fifteen minutes."

Bless you and your roguish background Nami. Now Garp wouldn't be suspicious of sensing a presence belowdecks- as long as it still didn't feel like Luffy. Although… How had the old marine even been able to tell that Zoro wasn't the captain? He certainly looked the part, plus he already had a bit of a reputation and unlike Ghin, had enough lone wolf in him to make him a believable leader.

"Oh."

Zoro frowned up at Garp. "Why does it matter? You need to talk to the captain or something? Last time we brought in bounties, the bondsman was fine just talking to me."

The old marine rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, I'm supposed to- check damages and things, see if he's got a proper license and all- plus I'd like to meet the kid. Wish my own grandson would be a little more like you brats- although a marine would be even better. Keeps going on about being a pirate of all things. Yeah, definitely gotta visit. So… If I can't see the captain, who's second in command?"

"Depends what you need to talk about. Nami there's our sailing master and unofficial accountant; Johnny and Yosaku keep track of active bounties." Zoro was sweating a little, but his voice was still steady. "And why aren't our individual licenses enough? Johnny, Yosaku, and I all have good ones." He produced a piece of paper from his haramaki.

Garp waved a hand. "You guys're fine. But if your captain's license isn't good, he should really get it updated. Sending you guys to hand in bounties all the time must be embarrassing."

Zoro relaxed. "We'll tell him."

The briefcase snapped closed again; Nami looked up and nodded. She had a cat-like smile on her face. "It's all here."

"Of course it is," Garp snorted. "Well, I guess that's all. You kids keep doing what you're doing and all- unless you wanna join the marines. We could always use a few more swords and clever girls." Then he squinted at Ghin. "Hey… You look familiar. We met before?"

"No. I must just have one of those faces." Ghin turned away and made himself busy checking the lines on the mizzenmast.

Garp shook his head. "Must be getting old." He reached over and patted me on the head, his hand heavy. I twitched, my instincts at war- my first reaction was to attack, but my fear of Garp had me frozen. "Work on that stutter of yours Jonesie; bad guys won't be intimidated if you can barely talk to 'em."

The Going Merry shook as the marine hero jumped back to his own ship. Garp flashed us a sloppy, half-assed salute as his ship started to sail off. I relaxed so much I slid down off my crate, lying limp across the deck like a gutted fish. And I'd barely even done anything this time. Zoro huffed and nudged me with his foot while everyone went about getting the ship ready to sail again.

"So… Who was that, that you and Luffy were both so scared of him?"

I shook my head. "No backstories without permission, remember? Ask Luffy."

So naturally, when the marine ship was no longer visible and Yosaku had retrieved Luffy from the head, our captain found himself surrounded by the entire crew. Usopp fidgeted and rubbed at his nose. "So, Luffy… Who was that guy? Why were you and Jones so scared of him? And why did he think he recognized Ghin?"

The tonfa wielder hit the sniper over the head for that last one. "I've been a pirate longer than you is all. He probably saw a picture of me in some report on Krieg or something."

"Oh."

Luffy looked around, double-checking that the marines really were gone. "He's- That's my grandpa."

"WHAT?!" The Merry shook with the force of everyone's combined disbelief. Usopp looked like he was about to piss himself; Johnny jumped into Yosaku's arms.

"Garp the Fist- the man who caught Gold Roger- is your GRANDFATHER?!" Nami seized Luffy by the front of his shirt and started shaking him back and forth. He nodded, though it was barely noticeable with him being turned into a human bobblehead. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?! JONES… WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?!"

I was too limp and sore to try and escape when Nami switched from shaking Luffy to glaring at me- while still holding Luffy. Although I wasn't sure what she intended to do to me. "In my defense, Captain gave me a no backstory rule, and Garp's a hell of a lot more important to Luffy's backstory than Dragon was. Also, I didn't expect to run into him for several months."

Usopp whimpered. "First the leader and chief-of-staff of the Revolutionary Army, now the man who captured Gold Roger… What's next? Is your other brother the secret son of the pirate king? An enforcer on some big shot pirate's crew? A minor god?"

Eyes going wide, Luffy turned to me with his mouth open. I answered his question before he could ask. "No, I haven't told him anything about Ace."

"Oh. Okay then." The captain went from mortified to beaming in a blink. "Oh yeah! I'm supposed to guess what those quantum mechs are! I've got two!"

Closing my eyes, I nodded. Anything that meant I didn't have to move. "Fire away."

"Okay! First one- does it have anything to do with cola?"

What? WHAT? I couldn't even… "Sesehihihihihi! Where'd you get that idea?"

"I dunno. Quantum and mechs both just sound like they go with cola for some reason."

"First of all, it's quantum mechanics. Not mechs. And second of all… No. What's your second guess?"

"Quantum mechs are a mystery force that's why Zoro got lost on Syrup Island!"

The aforementioned swordsman hit the rubber captain in the head, as did Nami and Usopp. "YOU GOT LOST TOO!"

Well, that was… Honestly closer than I'd expected, especially after the cola comment. Was that how Zoro's nonsense of direction worked? The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle? The more he knew about his momentum, the less he knew about his position? It would certainly explain why the swordsman got lost worse during a big fight or something, but seemed perfectly fine wandering around the ship- he cared less when he was on his way to head than when he knew every second counted getting somewhere so he could save a friend.

"Sesehihihihihi!" I couldn't stop laughing; tears leaked out of my eyes and I could barely breathe. "L-Luffy, I think- hihihihihi!- I think you just won the internet. But yes, mystery force is- hihihihihi!- a good way of describing quantum mechanics. Hihihihihihihi! Close enough!"

The rubber boy stared at me and picked his nose. "I don't get it, but does that mean I win?"

"Yes! Yes, you won. Gods above and below, I think you just won everything." And maybe I could actually use this to get Zoro where he needed to be without wandering all over entire islands first.

"Cool! I want those maple bacon donut things Sanji made for you on our way to Cocoyashi- they were good!"

Sputtering, the cook glared at both of us. "And why'm I involved in your shitty bet?"

"Because the best way to motivate the captain to do anything is with food, but nobody trusts my cooking."

"At least ask first next time." Sanji limped off to the galley to begin cooking. Luffy bounced along behind him, singing a nonsense song about donuts and bacon that would actually have been at home on a late nineties Tim Horton's commercial.

A/N: Seriously, I take only half responsibility for Honey's weird Devil Fruit. This movie was never given an official translation and the fruit was never properly explained anywhere that I could find. All I know is that it acts like a logia, and the name Toro-Toro no Mi basically translates as Bloop-Bloop Fruit- the sound of a jelly-like substance.