Twelve Red Lines

by Vikingr

I expected to die when I went into the water. Instead, I was rescued by a crew of people who I knew only as characters in a story. But what does it take to become worthy of being a Straw Hat? And why are so many little details not matching up to what I know?

11. Satire

Satire: a literary genre or mode that uses irony, wit, and sometimes sarcasm to expose humanity's vices and foibles

Lightsbane1905: No, there won't be any telepathy or popping Between, no need to worry. The Devil Fruits needed to replicate either of those abilities are already taken, and I can't think of one that would allow for both. And yes, I think Luffy would enjoy hearing the story of Ching Shih.

Xipholynx: Luffy can only hear the writer during omakes, for now at least. You're right; having him hear her all the time would be confusing for him-and possibly for us too! And trust me, I have no intention of burning myself out. The official update schedule for this fic is "whenever I have a new chapter that I'm at least mostly satisfied with." Could be only a few days between updates, could be several months.

gamelover41592: Thank you.

Sheepskate: Sesehihihihihihi! I'm glad you're so excited. Do you think people would enjoy an Epic Rap Battles of One Piece omake next time I'm in that sort of mood?

Smile4-theWorld: Thank you. And if that's what you imagined during the omake, I can consider it successful.

The Keeper of Worlds: Thank you very much. ^_^

Gerbilfriend: Thank you.

Dragondancer81: Thank you. And that's a neat concept— I'll check your fic out one of these weekends when I have more time.

Guest: Thank you. That means the omake was successful.

WaterStar45: Thank you. And I'm sorry about Vivi— I know my portrayal of her is pretty far from canon. I have an interesting problem when writing her, actually. See, when I write a character doing or saying something, I sort of get an image of them in my head and watch it like a video— I'm not so much making up the scene as watching and recording it, if that makes sense. That's what it feels like, anyway. But with Vivi, I get this massive influx of images of other people that come in and try to overlay her— Princess Jasmine, Princess Buttercup, Rapunzel, and Princess Anna are the usual culprits. So yes, I know my Vivi is off, and I'm sorry if anyone is bothered by this. *apologetic bow*

TheRealEvanSG: Thank you very much. Well, you need wait no longer for Whiskey Peak. I hope it doesn't disappoint.

wildcat2636: Thank you. And I'll try.

Zoro dove to check the anchor while Sanji was making breakfast. The swordsman stayed under for almost ten minutes- longer than I'd known anyone to dive before. Not that anyone I spent time with on Earth had been much into swimming. He clung to the bottom of the ladder, wiping sopping bangs out of his face. "It's fine! The chain's intact- the anchor just fouled and came unhooked from the bottom. I told you not to let Johnny and Yosaku touch important stuff!"

"How was I supposed to know they'd screw up dropping anchor?" Nami called back. "That should be impossible- even Jones got it on the first try! And they're competent enough on the lines!"

"It was hooked fine last night! Something must've moved it!" Yosaku yelped indignantly. Johnny nodded.

"Yeah! Anchors foul and get pulled up all the time!" He was correct; the Going Merry had an admiralty-pattern anchor, with rigid flukes that had a tendency to stick up and snag anchor lines when currents shifted. It was probably just bad luck that the first time this happened to us, it was on Johnny and Yosaku's heads.

"Quit making excuses; this is serious! If the anchor doesn't hold properly and we get hit by a strong current, we could get pushed way off course! Or worse!" Nami turned and punched the pair. There were twin hollow thuds as fists met skulls.

"Sorry Big Sis…" Both hunters knelt on the deck, rubbing their heads. I covered my mouth with my hand to stifle laughter.

That earned me a blow to the head- one which, in my exhausted state, I was too slow to dodge. A dull ache bloomed across my forehead in the wake of Nami's fist. "This isn't funny Jones! You may know the people and places ahead, but you have no idea how to deal with currents and weather!"

"Sesehihihihihi! But it is funny!"

The navigator glared at me, hands on her hips. "And why is that? What makes this so funny?"

"I- I don't know!" I staggered as my brain tried to check out again. Ghin caught me and held me upright; Nami shook her head.

"Did you stay up all night? Idiot… Go have a nap or something."

"But we'll be at Whiskey Peak soon! There's gonna be a party- I hate parties, you know, but there'll be lots of good food and a big fight afterwards. I like fighting…" I grinned and closed my eyes; if Ghin hadn't been there, I would've slid right down onto the deck.

"Is Big Sis whining?" Johnny's voice was full of disbelief. His words were followed by a rustling noise; I assume it was Yosaku nodding.

"I think so Bro. Never thought I'd see the day…"

Nami didn't dignify me with a verbal response. Instead, she gave me a solid whack on the head. I opened my eyes and rubbed the abused spot, considering whether or not to discharge the force right back at her. Just thinking about my powers in this state caused them to go off, launching me away from Ghin with a mighty sneeze. I rolled across the deck, coming to rest lying on my stomach by Sanji's feet. The cook sighed.

"How long 'til we get there?" Luffy wanted to know. His hands were planted on the rails as he bounced up and down. Nami squinted at the cactus shaped hills on the horizon.

"With current wind conditions… Four hours. We'll be there just before lunch."

"So, plenty of time for Jones to have a nap after breakfast." Ghin marched over to me and nudged me with his foot, probably in the hopes that I would feel like getting up. I did not. Instead, I waved a hand above my head while yelling into the deck.

"I refuse! No naps!"

Silence. I raised my head to see everyone staring at me. Well, except Luffy; he was still watching Whiskey Peak, picking his nose as he did so. As for everyone else… From Zoro to Johnny, each one had a bead of sweat trickling down from their temple. Yosaku cleared his throat. "Ehm… So… Lack of sleep turns Big Sis into a three-year-old?"

"Apparently…" Johnny looked disappointed. I blinked up at everyone in confusion.

"Eh? Guys? What's wrong? I don't get it."

"You don't need to." Ghin picked me up by the back of my bandanna, kind of like a mother cat with one of her kittens. "All you need to know is that after you eat something, you're going to sleep. I'll wake you up when we get close to the island."

"But I can't sleep! I have to warn you not to hurt the guy with the saxophone- he's Vivi's guard. And don't let Mr Nine out yet. And don't hurt Miss Monday either- she's not a friend, but she's still kinda good. She's the one who can match Zoro at arm wrestling and looks it. Oh! But she'll be dressed up as a nun for the drinking contest…"

Nami shook her head. "Telling us where you came from right away was probably one of the smartest things I've seen you do. If you'd had to keep all the things you know a secret, you'd have outed yourself right there."

"Hey! I resent that! I can keep secrets if I wanna- still haven't told anyone what I'm planning to try and save the fireball, not even the readers." Undaunted by the increasingly confused looks I was receiving, I held a finger to my lips. "Sh… If I think too loudly, they'll know."

Zoro groaned and rubbed his temples. "All in favour of never letting Jones stay up all night again?"

"AYE!" The whole crew answered in unison.

My response was to stick out my tongue and kick at Ghin, trying to make him put me down. It failed; he was holding me out far enough that my strikes couldn't reach him. I hate being short… My mind blanked out for a moment. When I regained control, it was just in time to receive a staff to the head from Nami. Apparently, my squirming and whining pissed her off. I pouted and rubbed my bruised skull.

"What was that for?"

"If you know there's a fight coming, why are you being so stubborn? You'll be useless if you're falling asleep the whole time!"

Useless… That word stung; it was too close to unnecessary. I scowled at the navigator. "Not useless! I bet I can take out more Baroque Works agents than you, tired or not!"

"Sorry, I don't take sucker bets. You train to fight; I don't. Unlike you, I'm happy on support. Plus, even if I was willing to take it, you're broke. Who knows when you'd manage to pay me back if I actually won?" Nami shook her head and sighed. "Look, if you don't want to nap now, fine. You can get all your slap-happy whining out in this fight you think's coming. Stay away from me until then- you're annoying like this."

"Okie-dokie Loki!" As the navigator strode away, I rolled across the deck- no reason, I just felt like it. Ruatha chased me, snapping at my ankles.

My brain was still trying to blank out every few minutes, leading to a frequent sensation of falling, almost fainting. Honestly, I wasn't confident I could stand for long, let alone fight. But my pride as a warrior wouldn't let me sit it out. Whiskey Peak would be a great chance to test my powers in combat- assuming I could stay awake. Although… What should I do about the party? Fake sleep? Real sleep would be too dangerous with how tired I was; I might not wake up on time. How was I supposed to pretend I was enjoying myself in the middle of a raging mass of loud, drunken enemies though? I'd need to do something to keep myself awake.

And what about Igaram? Should I warn him about Robin? He'd survive being blown up- or at least, there was a high chance he would- so it wasn't a priority. But Vivi might like me better… Ergh, I should've decided on that while I was more awake. I could barely think clearly right now. That's it, no more all-nighters for me. Bad Dobby…

Lying down made it difficult to stay awake, so I sat up and leaned against one of the rails. Even so, I had to bite my hand a few times to keep myself conscious. Ruatha cooed and butted his head against mine. I scratched him behind the ears and stared at the sky in a daze as the sun rose higher, my eyes spinning. It didn't take me long to lose track of time. Hours passed. The only thing I was aware of beyond my dragon and my own heavy eyelids was Luffy occasionally making comments and asking questions at the bow.

"Are those rocks or giant cactuses?" I didn't even have the energy to correct my captain's grammar.

X

"The cactus spikes look funny. Some of them are shaped like crosses." Which meant that at least some fragment of the One Piece world was Christian, despite Christ and his followers never having existed here. I wonder how that worked.

X

"Are we there yet?" No one answered.

X

"Jones, Ruatha's tryna eat your hat again." Thank you, Captain, I couldn't tell that despite my hand being on the dragonet's head. I slapped the hatchling's rump and pinned him to the deck with one hand.

X

"Oh look, dolphins!"

X

"Sanji, is it time for lunch yet?" This one was followed by a muffled yell of denial from the galley.

X

"Ah! Whale spout! It's far away though…"

X

"The islands in the south are warm! Paina puru-puru~ Their heads are hot, and they're all idiots! The islands in the north are cold! Hyakkoi koi-koi~ Their heads shiver all around, and they're idiots!"

X

"That's a lot of people…" Luffy's unusually quiet voice made me look up. I frowned at the shore. We were almost there now, the long, narrow inlet of Whiskey Peak's harbour stretching out before us. High banks on either side supported a little town that looked like a pile of Lego bricks, all the buildings low boxes of white adobe. Movement flickered between the buildings, although I wasn't sure if it was caused by tumbleweeds or if I was starting to hallucinate.

Sleep deprivation can do that to you.

A hundred people stood at the side of the harbour, which was what had prompted Luffy's comment. I wasn't sure whether to agree with him or not. The town I'd grown up in had about the same population as Whiskey Peak, so I was inclined to say that yes, a hundred was a large number. At the same time, I'd gone to a university where you could have more than six hundred people in a class, and I'd visited cities that had populations in the millions. I wasn't sure if any city in this world had that many people.

The whole crew gathered on deck as the Going Merry pulled in to shore and dropped anchor. Luffy was the first one to disembark, leaping to land in front of a towering figure with a long face and hair like an Age of Enlightenment Frenchman. Igaram. My captain beamed and stuck out his hand in greeting.

"Hi! I'm Monkey D Luffy and we're th-!"

"Igarappa!" Igaram interrupted my captain by blowing into his saxophone, firing a hail of bullets at Luffy. They all bounced off in different directions, tearing holes through nearby buildings and a corner of our mainsail. That seemed to be some sort of signal, as the other Whiskey Peak bounty hunters immediately raced to attack both captain and ship.

Holding his hat on with one hand, Luffy jumped over a swinging sword. "Huh. That's not what Jones said… Guys, I think we should fight now and party later! Jones got it backwards!"

I- I did? It certainly looked that way. But how? The welcoming party at Whiskey Peak was supposed to put us off guard so they could capture us and turn in Luffy's- Luffy's bounty. Which he didn't have, so they probably thought we were just another ship full of fresh meat, not strong enough that they needed to trick us. Crisse de calice de tabarnak d'osti de sacrament de trouvvierge! How many consequences was me gassing one platoon of marines going to have?

Zoro, Sanji, and Ghin dove into the fray immediately, with Johnny and Yosaku a beat behind them. Usopp's knees were shaking as he moved to follow. "You sure you need me Luffy? You guys seem to have this under pretty good control…"

The rubber captain looked at the gunner as if he was stupid. Ouch. "Why're you coming down? Didn't you say snipers were supposed to take people out far away? That's how you beat everyone in the snowball fight!"

Usopp looked stunned. "I'm allowed to do that?" Everyone answered him in unison.

"YES!" The echo of our combined yells made him jump. The sniper scampered up to the crow's nest to get the best view he could for picking off targets from the edge of the mass.

Nami seemed perfectly happy to stay back and keep anyone from boarding the ship, but I wasn't. Removing Samsung from my utility belt so it wouldn't get hurt, I prepared for battle. A sai in one hand, the other free, vault over the side of the Merry and land hard to get an initial charge of force… I tried to leave Ruatha on the Merry, not wanting him to get hurt, but the little dragon shrieked and jumped off the rail to land on my shoulder. Blue eyes glared at me from point blank range.

"No! You're too little- stay on the ship."

"Scrrrrr!" Ruatha dug his claws into my shoulder and refused to budge. I sighed.

"Fine, but be careful. Mommy's gotta fight now, and she doesn't want you getting hurt. And don't get in the way, either. You're too little to be on the battlefield."

"Sha!"

First priority- get people away from the ship so not too many bounty hunters would get past to harass Nami and Usopp. And for once, it seemed that Luffy, Zoro, and I were on the same wavelength. As I released force through my feet to create a mini-shockwave- like I had with the snow- the captain and bosun released their own far more devastating attacks.

"Gum-Gum Whip!"

"Tatsumaki!"

Some bounty hunters stumbled on the suddenly uneven ground, or staggered back as dirt was thrown up in their faces. Many more were knocked flying by a shiny, stretched leg that swept across most of the battlefield. It was the wind from Zoro's swords that truly broke their ranks though, throwing the bounty hunters back and scattering many of them into nearby streets. Sanji grumbled as he was forced to chase after the spear-wielder he'd been fighting.

"Stupid Marimo! Have a little respect for the people without shitty area attacks, will you?"

"Make me, Pervy Chef!" I still wanted to know how Zoro spoke with a sword in his mouth. One of these days I would remember to ask.

I saw Igaram out of the corner of my eye as I ducked under a swinging sword, my knee coming up into its wielder's crotch. Hopefully everyone would remember what I'd said about him and Miss Monday. There was no time to think about that though. Follow up knee attack by clapping over both ears to induce pain and disorientation; finish with strike to temple. As soon as I'd downed the guy with the sword, I found myself being charged by a hulk of a man with a giant war hammer. My mind blanked out as I went to dodge; when I regained my senses, it was just in time for the hammer to crash into my- well given the size of the weapon, into my everything. And… not hurt? For something that was so heavy, it had less power behind it than one of Ghin's punches. That, or I was getting more efficient at absorbing force. The man holding the hammer stared down at me in shock. I grinned and stepped in with a punch to his floating ribs, discharging force as I went. My opponent staggered backwards into a wall, hard enough to damage it; I was knocked back too, but not as much.

"What was that?" the hammer wielder groaned. My grin grew wider.

"Newton's second law of motion in action." I considered this as I kicked my opponent in the temple. "Actually, that's not a bad name. Newton's Second."

I spun and dove into a knot of Baroque Works agents, my fuzzy head making me forget that I really shouldn't let myself get surrounded. Fists, bats, a mallet… Numerous weapons descended upon me at the same time. I deflected the bat that was coming for my head, wood pinging off the steel of my sai; the others, I allowed to hit. Not that I could've avoided them all anyway. I could feel bruises blooming as the force I didn't manage to absorb sang through my bones. But I got enough of it.

"Newton's Second!" This time I discharged through a back kick, sending the person behind me flying. The recoil made me tumble into the batter standing in front of me; I used it to tackle him into the ground. Okay, these powers were officially fun. I loved this.

The remaining agents from the group decided to all attack me at once, even though they'd just failed at doing exactly that. For two of them, that decision was their downfall. Distracted by coming after me, they didn't notice Ghin coming in behind them. His spinning tonfa launched them sky high as the former Krieg pirate shot me a disappointed look and shook his head. "Jones… You're usually smarter than this."

I ignored him in favour of grabbing the last person from the group as they punched me. What in the past would've been a head shot that sent me reeling became a great opportunity to snatch the guy's arm when he hesitated. Guess he was expecting me to fall over or something. I grinned and brought him down and around over my hip, throwing him into a wall that looked suspiciously flicker-y. It was just an ordinary wall though, as evidenced by the crunching sound he made when he hit it. The flickers must be hallucinations.

"This is awesome! Damage reduction versus blunt weapons rocks!" I pumped my fist in the air. Ruatha let out a trill of agreement- or at least, I think that's what it was. Nearby, Luffy's giggle echoed off the walls.

"Shishishishi! I know!"

"Show offs!" Yosaku's shout was punctuated by a sound that may or may not have been him getting hit in the head with a quarterstaff. Although not Nami's, since she was still back on the ship.

Snipers were starting to move to the rooftops, men and women with muskets and, in a couple of cases, longbows. As soon as they appeared, small projectiles began arcing through the sky and slamming into their heads and quivers. Everything from eggs to little balls of fire rained down. It was too bad Usopp was too far away to participate in the mid-battle banter.

Another momentary black out- although I think this one saved my bacon. When I regained my senses, I was falling to the ground, a sword swishing over my head. Maudit… My writer's friend Murphy overheard my comment about blunt damage. I pushed off the ground even as I hit it, eschewing proper break fall technique- and was rewarded with a small charge of force running up my arms. Gods above and below, this might be even better than if it had been the Star Wars Force. Something like that should've killed my wrists!

"Fus!" Ruatha apparently shared the same opinion, since he winced in my stead as I bounced to my feet. I pulled out my second sai, bringing the pair up just in time to block another strike from the blade. This was followed by a stab that slid past my guard- they're harder to block than slashes- and got me in the leg, just above my perpetual whittling wound. I rolled my eyes; seriously?

Blood trickled down my leg; the injury stung. Ruatha let out a coo of concern. "Roh…"

"It's fine bud. I'm used to being stabbed in the leg, and he didn't hit anything important." If he had, I would've lost balance immediately, or bled a lot more. I managed to catch the next sword strike in the yoko of my right sai, snapping my wrist with a turn and flick I'd only ever seen, never practiced. It didn't break the blade- clearly, I was missing something from the technique- but it did force the swordsman's arm far out to one side, creating a large opening for me to knock him out. My rider bobbed his head and tried to roar in celebration.

"Dah!"

I wasted precious seconds of time turning my head to stare at the baby dragon. "Did you just…?"

"Dah!" Ruatha exclaimed again, as an approaching fist interrupted my thoughts. I took the blow and reached up to give the attacker a force-charged palm strike.

"Head-On! Apply directly to the forehead!" No, that didn't sound nearly as good. I'd stick with Newton's Second. Although the man's expression of stunned confusion as he was thrown away was hilarious. There was a clang of steel on brick as the sai I'd dropped to launch the attack landed by my foot. I picked it up and slipped it back into my belt.

A shadow flickered at the corner of my eye; I lashed out on instinct. It was just a hallucination though. Oh, the joys of not sleeping. Then a line of burning pain raked across my lower back, a shallow, stinging wound. I spun to face this new attacker, but was knocked flying by a fist the size of a butterball turkey. That impact didn't hurt, but my landing did. Too much force to absorb all at once; I fell on my butt with a barely audible crunch. A jolt of pain ran up my spine. Tabarnak. I remembered that sort of injury from the past; I'd had six from skating and one from parkour. And while it wasn't much of a problem now, tomorrow was gonna be a bitch.

Before I could stand, Zoro bulled in from the side and took out my attackers. "Oi! It's rude to attack from behind!" He dispatched the enemy swordsman with an Oni Giri, bringing his blades around almost faster than the eye could follow to take the boxer with a Tora Gari. "You alright Jones?"

"Fuck off! I'm fine!" I winced a little as I stood, automatically supressing the pain. "It's nothing I haven't felt before; there's no such thing as a figure skater who hasn't broken their tailbone at least once." Or at least, so my mom always said.

Off between the buildings, I caught a glimpse of Sanji going after Igaram. "Oi! Remember what I said about the one with the saxophone!"

"Of course Jones! Don't worry; you can count on me!"

Something whizzed by my ear as I was distracted- an arrow. Usopp couldn't get all the snipers at once, no matter how good of a shot he was. The arrow didn't touch me, but it sliced a bloody line along Ruatha's flank. My baby yelped and keened, surprised at being hurt. I snarled and glared up at the offending archer.

"Oh, you didn't."

Red clouded my vision; you do not hurt Ruatha in front of me, bitch, even if it's only superficial. He's not even a week old; he can't fight back! I reached for my pistol. BANG! The first round I got off went far to the left- my mind tried to blank out again and I stumbled to the side. My ears rang from the sound. BANG! BANG! Two more shots; the first went over my target's head, while the second was too low and bounced off the edge of the roof she was standing on. But my fruit came in handy here too. I was absorbing the recoil from each shot, which kept my hand from flying around and making my aim even worse.

"Ah! Come on already!" BANG! Angry and not thinking, I pulled the trigger again without aiming at all. In fact, I think my gun was pointed at a nearby street sign. There was a ping of metal bouncing off metal, followed by a wet thud. An instant later, the archer slumped forwards where she stood. Blood ran down the wall of the building.

"Eh?" For a moment, I was frozen. She was… dead. Not a named character, not someone I'd considered important… I knew nothing about this archer. Didn't know if she'd had a family, if she'd had any dreams… But she was shooting at me and my baby, probably meant to kill one if not both of us. She'd succeeded in wounding Ruatha, even if only superficially. Still…

"Jones, look out!" Johnny's shout came too late. Still in shock from my first kill- or at least, the first one I knew of, since I'd blacked out fighting the marines at the dragons' nest- I had barely begun to turn when a massive piece of wood hit me with enough force to send me crashing into the ground. Instinct took over; my body kept moving even if my brain was still frozen. I rolled up into a crouch, holstering my pistol and growling.

Male. Muscular enough to be Miss Monday's twin brother, but with brown hair instead of salmon. He'd hit me with what appeared to be a wooden railway tie, although he threw that away now that he had my attention. A broad grin, rolling his sleeves up his ham-sized arms with deliberate slowness; a clear display of confidence that he could take someone as small as me easily. I doubted I'd be knocking this guy out with a strike or two to the head like I'd been doing so far. My hand closed over a wooden shaft as I pushed off the ground; next thing I knew, I'd jammed the arrow that nicked Ruatha into the side of my attacker's knee. He flinched and buckled, but somehow managed to remain partially standing. Although that would probably only make the damage worse in the end; judging by the angle it had gone in, the arrowhead had probably torn a few ligaments. That knee was gonna give him problems for a long time.

I scowled, even as I dodged backwards to avoid being grabbed by those massive arms. My brain finally unfroze and caught up to the rest of me as I stared at the arrow. Really, other me? That meme was old years ago!

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Enraged and in pain, the Hulk-like man managed to push off and tackle me into a wall. I coughed. Then I gasped, or at least tried to. I couldn't breathe! My opponent had an arm pressed against my windpipe. Black spots danced over my vision as I twisted and struggled, trying to draw breath. But my feet were nowhere near the ground; I couldn't get any leverage. And my attacker was laughing now, deranged, as he pulled back for a haymaker…

"Fus! Roh! Dah!" Ruatha spat three globs of spit at the muscleman's face. Surprise made my attacker loosen his grip; I could breathe now, even if I was still trapped. My fingers scrabbled over warm skin, trying to dig into pressure points or weak spots. Nothing. Then there was a heavy thud; my attacker's eyes rolled back in his head and he slumped to the ground.

I looked up to thank whoever had saved me, only to see Nami pulling back from what had clearly been a groin strike with her staff. She struck the fallen man a few times about the head to make sure he stayed unconscious. The sailing master was covered in dirt and bruises, with a single shallow cut below her tattoo that had already stopped bleeding. "Thanks Nami. I'd say I owe you one, but if I did, you'd actually charge me for it, so…" I shook my head. "Wait- when'd you get here?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." The navigator jumped out of the way of a stone mallet as two more Baroque Works agents emerged from a nearby alley. "I saw the big guy coming up behind you, and no one else was close enough to do more than shout; figured you might need a hand. How many of these guys are there?"

"I think about a hundred; we should be almost done." When the second newcomer swung at me, I stepped into the blow to absorb more force. I was getting a little nauseous now, and it had nothing to do with my lack of sleep. Too much force… If I absorbed much more, I was gonna explode again.

For having never fought as a team before, Nami and I worked well together. I brought out my staff so I didn't have to get close and be in her way; the navigator nodded at my decision even as she jabbed one guy in the hip. My own weapon barely made it up in time to keep my new opponent's hammer from pulping my head. I winced; deflecting a stone mallet with a staff was awkward. That was the keyword though- deflect, not block. A full-on block probably would've snapped my staff like a twig. Beech is hard, but not that hard.

All around us, the sounds of battle were dying down. It seemed the men were finishing up. The town descended almost into silence as Nami and I continued to deflect and strike, snaking staves in past swinging mallets to jab and sting. I was slightly disappointed to be one of the last to finish fighting- although I suppose I should've just been happy to finish without any major injuries, since without my fruit I might be dead by now. Not a hundred percent sure about that, but it was a definite possibility with some of the hits I'd taken.

The agents gave openings simultaneously, allowing Nami and I to both get in sweeping strikes up to their outer temples. Their heads knocked together with a hollow thunk. I stared at their unconscious forms. Nami stared too. "Okay, I'll concede that you're not useless, even when you're tired. Now will you go rest?"

"Not yet. There's still stuff that's gonna happen. I don't wanna miss anything."

Footsteps on brick and packed earth. Our crew gathered by the harbour one by one, with Sanji dragging Igaram, and Miss Monday hoisted over Ghin's shoulder. I studiously avoided looking at the muscular woman. Miss Monday's checked dress was absurdly short; every time she twitched, I swore it was going to put her underwear on display. And one of the shoulder straps had broken during her fight with Ghin, so the bodice was gaping on one side.

The monster trio and former Krieg pirate looked to be in good shape, but Johnny and Yosaku were as bruised and bloody as me and Nami. Yosaku looked at me with his head cocked to one side, silently asking why I wasn't taping up the new prisoners. I shrugged. There was no need, and if I kept up at this rate, I'd be out of tape before we got to Alabasta.

Luffy looked around, eyes dark. The town was full of unconscious people, as well as at least one body. "I don't wanna have a party here; these guys are no fun. We'll do it back on the Merry."

Nami swung her staff around to hit the captain over the head. "We can't leave yet! The log pose needs to set!" I giggled at her unintentional rhyme, which caused the sailing master to hit me too.

"But that'll take forever!" Luffy whined. Nami scowled.

"No, it won't. Learn some patience. Although… I don't really know how long we'll be here. Crocus said each island had a different log time." The sailing master turned her gaze on Igaram. "Hey, Guy-Who's-Apparently-Important, how long does a log take to reset here?"

"Why should I tell you anything, pirate? You- ahem, mimimimimi- you just came out of nowhere and sacked our town."

Nami rolled her eyes. "Yes, we just appeared and sacked your heavily armed, set-to-ambush-us town with no warning. Do unto others what they'd do unto you, but do it first and do it better."

"Well said." I nodded along to Nami's words, eying my hallucinations with suspicion. Most were still vague shadows and flickers at the edge of my vision, but some of them were starting to get shapes. "And a log takes something less than twelve hours to reset at Whiskey Peak. I know cause of how long the party and fight took in the story."

"Three hours, actually." Igaram slumped, defeated. I guess he figured there wasn't much point trying to conceal something so trivial when we already had some of the information.

Johnny looked around. "So… What do we do for the next two and a half hours?"

"Well, Jones is going to wrap her leg and back, then have a nap." Ghin put his tonfa away and pulled several rolls of bandages out of his jacket. Not just a roll of bandages- I'm talking enough to make a Jones-mummy if he'd needed to. I cocked my head to the side in confusion.

"Eh? Why're you just carrying those around? Don't we leave the first-aid kit in the galley?"

"I figured either you or Zoro would need them, and it looks like Nami, Johnny, and Yosaku could use a few as well. Hope I brought enough." Ghin moved to grab me and deal with the cut across my back. I frowned. There was no need for that- it was barely bleeding anymore! Although it did sting something fierce… Still, I don't like to be manhandled!

"You'll never take me alive!" And in my exhausted state, I had zero self-control. I took off like a two-year-old trying to escape bath time, except with longer legs and a lot more experience. Running sent me into a fit of coughing, but I didn't let that stop me. I tore through the town, flinging garbage bins and rain barrels down behind me to slow my pursuer. It didn't work very well. Ghin kept after me like a bloodhound, never out of sight, gradually coming closer and closer as he chased me through narrow back alleys.

"Jones! Get your bloody arse back here!" Yes, Ghin had fully mastered the art of the mom rage.

"Sesehihihihihihihi!" It was funny because I had blood dripping down my back. Puns! My cackling led to distraction, however, which ended with me slipping in a puddle of blood- that wasn't mine. I skidded over to land on my back- which sent a burst of pain through my broken tailbone- staring up at a body that dangled over the edge of a roof, a bullet hole in her head.

Oh yeah. I shot someone earlier.

When Ghin caught up to me a couple seconds later, I was frozen. There was no disgust, no urge to vomit- blood and corpses don't bother me that way. Although the tiny chunks of brain matter oozing out of a perforated skull weren't something I'd seen often. But still, that part of it was no worse than a dead deer or raccoon, and I saw those all the time. No, what bothered me was that this was a person. I knew in theory that this was something I should've expected- as a pirate, eventually killing would become inevitable, and I had already been planning for the demise of Teach. But it's one thing to know which plants contain deadly poisons, how those poisons kill, where to strike with a hand or weapon to get deaths with varying amounts of pain… It's another thing entirely to stare at a young woman's corpse while sitting in her spattered blood and know you were the one to cause it. To know that because of me, she would never get married or have children, never travel or pursue her remaining dreams, never be given a chance to redeem herself from working for Crocodile the asshole. I didn't even know if she was one of the ones who joined Baroque Works because she believed he really planned to create a utopia, or if she was one of the ones who just took sadistic pleasure in assassination and bounty hunting.

Ghin grabbed my shoulder. Instead of forcing me to stand up and turn around so he could tend to my back, though, he frowned and shook me gently. "Jones? Jones, what's wrong? Are you alright?"

Those last words made me punch him on reflex. But there was no heat or power behind it; I was too tired and distracted. Ghin followed my gaze upwards. "Oh- oh. Did you kill her?"

"Yeah." My voice sounded distant to my own ears.

"I see. And why did you kill her?" Ghin sat down beside me, shifting from shaking my shoulder to rubbing my back. I winced and shivered when he accidentally touched my open wound.

"She- she was shooting at me. Her arrow got Ruatha- he wasn't seriously hurt, but I was so angry he was in danger, so I pulled out my gun… I can't aim- it took me four shots to hit her- I had no idea if I'd get something fatal or just disable her. And I didn't care, didn't even think about that. I just wanted her to stop shooting at me and Ruatha."

Dark eyes focused on my dragonet. Ruatha cooed and turned to show Ghin his new battle scar, a long, thin line of red that ran from the side of his jaw down under one of his wings. It bled sluggishly. Although showing off may not have been the dragon's intention, seeing as his turning that way just happened to put him in a perfect position to chew on the edge of my hat.

Ghin sighed. "Look, Jones, I'm not about to tell you if what you did is right or wrong. We're pirates; even if we mean well, people like us have a bad reputation, and sometimes we do nasty things to survive. I won't pretend I've never killed before; I have. Killing isn't the problem- even getting used to it isn't, really. The problem is when you start to enjoy it. Even Don Krieg didn't kill for pleasure, although he certainly took more lives than he needed to." The older pirate ran a hand through his hair. "Geez, the more I think about it, the more I'm glad Don Luffy beat him and gave me a chance to get outta there."

"You're too nice a guy to work for someone like Krieg," I agreed. Ghin smirked and shook his head.

"Just don't tell Johnny and Yosaku you said that. Part of the reason they listen to me so well is that they still see me as Don Krieg's combat commander, feared throughout the East Blue as a devil in human form."

"More like a giant puppy in human form."

"Okay, that crosses the line." Almost faster than I could blink, Ghin had me trapped in a merciless noogie. "I'm no puppy, understand? There are plenty of ways I can make you fear and respect me without resorting to Don Krieg's methods."

"Hai! Hai!" I squirmed and winced until I was released. Ghin gave my ponytail a playful tug.

"Back to the topic at hand… Killing affects everyone differently, and I don't know what's going on in that head of yours at the best of times, let alone now. But as long as you don't enjoy it and don't do it without reason, I think you're good."

"I would never," I agreed, my voice barely rising above a whisper. Not that- I didn't feel any overwhelming need to compensate for a sin or anything, although since I'm not Christian I could argue that I don't believe in sin. There was some guilt, but not as much as everything I'd read would have me expect. If the choice was between someone whose name I didn't know and a member of the crew, I'd choose the Straw Hat every time. Anything for my friends; loyalty.

Shaking my head, I forced away the complicated, semi-numb emotions and reached into my utility belt. "Just remembered- I changed this for you."

Ghin examined the ivory armband I passed over, fingers tracing the rough edges of a large, crooked lightning bolt. "Well, your skill at scrimshaw's lacking. Was this one of the things you meant when you told me you collect hobbies?"

"Yeah. When I was having my worst down periods, I needed to keep my mind occupied or… Well, bad things. So I made things. Sewing, knitting, drawing, painting, kumihimo, knot jewellery, whittling… Arts and crafts are good. They help…" A weight was growing in my chest; I couldn't tell if the shivers running up my spine were due to emotions or injuries.

Sliding the armband on, Ghin poked me in the forehead. "Alright, up. Letting you stew is a bad idea. Try not to worry about it for now and let me patch you up. Then we'll go back to the others and figure out what comes next."

"It's not that bad," I protested as I stood, turning so Ghin could get a good look at the slice across my back. He grunted.

"Maybe not, but it could've been. You need to be more careful; I won't carry you around if you get your spine sliced in half."

"Go fuss over Nami, Johnny, and Yosaku. They're hurt too."

"Nami has bruises and a superficial slice on her arm that she can wrap by herself; Thing Green and Thing Blue are similar, with an added side of Yosaku's concussion and Johnny's broken toe. I don't know how to deal with concussions or breaks, so they'll have to manage as they are."

"Mother hen. At least look after Ruatha first."

Ghin shrugged. "That's what Tippy used to call me back in the gang. I don't mind." He complied with my request though, plucking my dragon off my shoulder and wrapping Ruatha's wound before coming after me again. My baby trilled and stared proudly at the white cotton. Then Ghin put Ruatha off to the side and shot me a significant look. I sighed and hiked up my shirt so he could get at my wound properly.

The bandages wrapped around, almost tight enough to feel like a corset. Uncomfortable. But as much as I didn't like it, I should probably leave them on for a day or two to make sure no dirt got in and caused an infection. I patted Ruatha as we headed back to the main square to meet with the others. He chattered at me and butted his head into my hand, the little attention hog.

"Fus! Roh! Dah!" Oh, shenanigans. At this point, I was too tired to fight other me about this.

My stomach was growling by the time we rejoined the rest of the crew. Right, it was about lunch time. I stumbled into the bar and grabbed the first container that looked likely to hold food, too impatient to wait for Sanji to make something. It was a barrel full of apples. I dragged it out into the square and pulled one out to munch on, no matter how much it made me look like an asshole.

Oh look, a Cinema Sin.

Usopp had arrived while Ghin and I were gone, bringing Vivi and Mr Nine with him. Their hands were still bound, though their legs were free to walk. I tossed the sniper an apple; he beamed as he caught it. Zoro folded his arms and scowled at the display.

"Alright Not-Baroque-Works, spill."

"WHAT?" Four voices rang out with different types of confusion. Vivi and Igaram were pale- terrified. I shook my head and batted at one of my hallucinations.

"Two of them really are part of Baroque Works- that's why I wanted to keep binding Vivi, so we wouldn't blow her cover. But I guess that was pointless…" Leaving the hallucination be, I frowned at the swordsman.

"Well excuse me if bushido as I was taught doesn't allow for all this skulking around, leaving out information, and lying through my teeth." Zoro's scowl shifted to me.

Luffy whined. "Guys, no fighting! Captain's orders!" He waited until Zoro and I had both nodded before getting back to business. "So… Jones says you're a princess and not to hurt Saxophone. Why?"

Vivi glared at me and grit her teeth, refusing to answer. I sighed. "Well, since this particular can of worms is already open and ready for me to spill beans into… You might wanna decide quick whether you can trust us or not, your highness. Crocodile found out that you know his name; Mr Five and Miss Valentine are already on their way to take out you and Igaram. I think they'll be here around midnight. Not that they're any match for Luffy and Zoro, but who knows who or what might get caught in the crossfire when an explosion man fights a rubber boy?"

This time it was Miss Monday and Mr Nine who paled. The wannabe prince began to shake and rock back and forth in panic. "Croco-? You know Mr Zero's name? Oh, we're dead. We're dead, we're dead, we're dead!"

"Oh, right, if the Unluckies found out you knew, the clean-up squad would be after you too." I finished my apple. Instead of tossing the core right away, I flipped open my Swiss Army Knife and dug out the seeds, putting them in a little baggie in my utility belt. I'd need lots of those later- the seeds, not the baggies. "Quick, has anyone seen a vulture with an aviator's helmet, or an otter wearing a spotted jacket?"

My crew mates shook their heads. I relaxed. Okay, we were good for now. Not that the Unluckies themselves were a big threat, but if they managed to get away with our names and faces… Actually, it wouldn't be any worse than in canon. Probably.

Igaram edged away from Miss Monday and Mr Nine. "You- ahem, mimimimimi- your intelligence is accurate. Disturbingly so. Your highness…" Here he turned to Vivi, "Have these pirates done anything to harm you?"

"No Igaram, I'm fine. They're not… Jones- the one who knows things- is a heartless little bitch, but the rest of the crew means well."

Ghin's eyes blazed. The former Krieg pirate stomped over to Vivi and picked her up. "What did you say about Jones?"

"Unhand the princess at once!" Igaram tried to stagger to his feet, only to be held down by Yosaku and Usopp.

"I-! Put me down!" The princess kicked her captor- something that worked better for her than for me, between her being taller and her high heels. Those must hurt. When Ghin failed to comply with her order despite his wince of pain, Vivi closed her eyes and yelled louder than I would've thought possible. "Carue!"

"Quack, quack!" A few seconds later, a duck the size of a small horse came barreling down from the hills. Man, when Oda called them the Supersonic Duck Squadron, he wasn't kidding. Little puffs and crackles appeared off Carue's beak in a cone as he dashed to his princess' side at Mach speeds.

Although… that speed wasn't enough to save him from Zoro. The scowling swordsman struck out with Wado Ichimonji as Carue went to kick Ghin, nearly slicing the bird's leg off. Carue let out a terrified squawk and jumped out of the way at the last moment, for some reason choosing to hide behind Nami. Ghin nodded wordless thanks to the bosun, who nodded right back.

Johnny whistled, trying to enjoy the show while also hiding behind me and my apple barrel. Given the lack of popcorn, I passed him a fruit. And put some in my utility belt while I was at it- you never know when you'll be lost in a desert somewhere and want a snack. "Don't throw the core away when you're done; I need the seeds."

"What for?"

"Spoilers."

Meanwhile Ghin had started a full-blown lecture in Vivi's face. I winced; he wasn't shouting, but there was a lot of force behind each word. "Jones is weird, but she's not a heartless little bitch. Someone heartless wouldn't risk their own sneaky hide to rescue someone stronger than them from the marines, or bash open the egg of a dragon that couldn't hatch on his own. Heartless people don't go into a blackout rage when a little girl gets threatened and a dragon shot, or freeze and worry after their first kill."

"She treats war like it's a game!" Vivi spat. "You didn't hear what she said to me, how she talked about people as if the world were just a giant chessboard. And she's manipulating it all with her weird future knowledge, but she won't give anyone else the information they need to actually help people!"

Oh, that was… "I already told you, I can't tell you anything until you calm down enough to make rational decisions! Otherwise you might end up making the situation in Alabasta worse and getting your people and my friends killed!"

"As if a witch like you could understand the true meaning of friendship!"

"Of course I do! Friendship is the most powerful magic of all!" Cheesy, corny… But who cares?

Ghin gave Vivi a quick shake, as if he were holding a naughty puppy instead of a princess. "Don't judge what you don't understand. You don't know where Jones comes from or why she acts the way she does- we barely do, and we live with her. But she's already learned how much she can change with a single decision, so if she says letting you play around with what she knows is dangerous, it's dangerous. End of story."

There was a soft thump as Ghin dropped Vivi. The princess immediately straightened and slapped him. Skin met skin; red bloomed across the former Krieg pirate's face. She followed that up with a punch that didn't seem to do much to Ghin at all, and finished with a high-heeled stomp to his foot. He grunted and scowled, but was interrupted by a blow from Nami before he could retaliate. Huh. That might be the first time Ghin got a taste of the sailing master's fist.

"Simmer down! Geez… Look, go sit on Jones and force her to take a nap or something- the both of you are liabilities to negotiations." Nami had one hand on her hip, the other ready to hit Ghin again. For his part, the former Krieg pirate was staring down at the navigator with an expression of mystified confusion. Probably hadn't expected her hits to hurt as much as they do.

"Neco- mimimimimi- Negotiations?" Igaram paled beneath his bruises. Nami nodded.

"Yes, negotiations. What? You expected pirates to help save a kingdom for free? We need money for supplies you know."

That made the guard pause. "You- you actually plan to help? You- mimimimi- you know what's going on in Alabasta?"

"Of course we do- or at least, Jones does. Why else would she have warned you about that Crocodile fellow?" Nami raised an eyebrow, her eyes morphing into beri symbols. "So… Negotiations."

Yosaku cleared his throat. "Just remember, Big Sis- Sir Crocodile's sorta doing to Alabasta what Arlong was doing to Conami Island."

The sailing master froze. Her beri eyes turned back to their normal shape and colour. "Right… Nation in distress discount…"

"Dis…count…?" Igaram looked worried. "Miss, as agents working under cover, the princess and I didn't exactly carry a great deal of wealth on our persons. And Alabasta is a poor nation in the grip of drought; I'm afraid we haven't much to spare even from the royal treasury."

"We'd never ask more than you can afford." Nami sighed. "Supplies might be tight with extra mouths to feed, but I suppose we can put off reward negotiations until we arrive in Alabasta. So, on to the next item on the agenda- how many extra mouths should we expect? Will your partners be coming too?" There was a loud snap as the sailing master took her staff apart.

Underneath it was a softer sound, one I wasn't sure anyone else heard. I would've thought that was just my hallucinations reaching auditory levels, if the shape of a nearby rooftop hadn't changed- and stayed solid after doing so. Definitely not a hallucination then- those shifted and swirled like thoughts in a pensieve. Maybe the Unluckies arriving to spy on the princess? I slid off my apple barrel, leaving Ruatha atop it, and excused myself to the nearest person- Yosaku.

"I'll be back in a minute. Gotta use the bathroom." The green hunter nodded as I slipped off into the nearby bar.

Plotting out a route to the suspicious rooftop unseen in my head was difficult, since I'd never seen a map of the town. I started by slipping out of the bar through a side window, then creeping slowly from building to building. My heart pounded in my chest the whole time. After all, everything around me was white and shades of light brown; purple, red, and black would stick out like GREAT FLAMING EYEBROWS. So I kept to the shadows and indoors as much as I could to mitigate that issue, even if it wouldn't help much.

And then I accidentally kicked a pebble. It was such a small stone, only the size of a penny, but the clatter as it bounced off my foot, the ground, and a nearby wall echoed in the relative quiet. I froze. My heart was either racing faster than it ever had before, or not beating at all; I couldn't tell. Peeking around the edge of a building, I checked the roof where I thought I'd seen the Unluckies.

Nothing. Whatever the shape was, secret agents or not, it was gone.

Merde. I had no idea where they'd gone, how long they'd actually been flying around, what they'd overheard… Maybe I should've warned people not to talk about anything important while I was gone. But taking the time to do that would've tipped the Unluckies off that I'd seen them… This- this right here was reason number six that I didn't like being called a ninja. Sneaking around was a lot more difficult in reality than in video games.

Well, I guess I should warn everyone that we may or may not be busted. I turned with a yawn and began making my way back towards the rest of the crew. Now that my attempt at stealth had failed, I was regretting the convoluted route I'd taken to avoid being seen. It wasn't that much faster to walk at normal speed than it had been while sneaking. I rehearsed what I was going to say as I walked. Hi guys! So… A homicidal otter and his vulture girlfriend were spying on us. I tried to catch them, but they flew away before I could get close. Which means Crocodile knows who we all are now. Yeah… My life had taken a strange turn that the beginning of that thought made sense.

Click.

The sound of talons on stone made me halt and freeze. I turned slowly, although I already had an idea what the source was. But… Why would they come down and face me rather than flying off right away? Then again, they'd confronted Nami with their sketches in canon. A black bird with a white neck ruff and a ten-foot wingspan- Andean condor, largest of the New World vultures, my mind supplied- and a stocky, dark northern river otter. The sunglasses and pink spotted coat looked cumbersome and awkward on his sleek form. Huh. I couldn't decide whether I was more surprised to see species I recognized in this madcap world, or at what they were doing- while the otter was clutching a pen and sheaf of paper in his paws and scribbling madly, the vulture had a machine gun trained on my knees.

After a minute, Mr Thirteen held up a bunch of papers. They were some of the best sketches I'd ever seen, which was doubly amazing given that he was an otter- and they showed everyone on our crew. Even Sanji. Tabarnak. Okay, that could cause problems. Damage control, I needed to do damage control! I clapped slowly, just like Nami had in canon, while I tried to organize my thoughts.

Given where I came from, I knew otters better than vultures, so I addressed Mr Thirteen. "Quick question, if you don't mind me asking. I'm going out on a limb here because of your species, but are you from Drum Kingdom?" Since that was the One Piece equivalent of Canada, it would make sense for a North American species to live there.

Mr Thirteen frowned and pulled up a fresh piece of paper. A moment later he held it over his head, covered in words rather than a picture this time. Close. An island just south of there. What's it to you, hoser?

"Nothing, just curious. You have wonderful handwriting, by the way." Which he did. It reminded me of my grandmother's. The otter's eyes lit up; he wrote another note and held it above his head.

Thank you! You're the first person to ever comment on it. I mean, seriously, it's not easy to write and draw with these paws, but I never get any respect.

I nodded. "A lot of people underestimate animal intelligence just because communication is difficult and you don't have opposable thumbs. It's not fair." He looked so soft. Fluffy… Did otter fur feel like beaver fur? Asking if I could pet him might be considered rude… But otters were allogroomers; preening each other was an important part of their social bonding. And Mr Thirteen probably hadn't been with any members of his own species for a long time… "I know we're technically enemies, but can I pet you? I had a beaver friend back home, and you remind me of him." Perks of the biology half of my background- I got to play with lots of cool animals.

The otter paused for a moment, considering. Beside him, Miss Friday squawked and fiddled with her machine gun. I didn't need to speak bird to know she was asking whether she should shoot me or not. Mr Thirteen chattered something at his partner, patting her wing before taking off his coat and approaching me. I'm guessing the exchange was something along the lines of "Shoot her if she tries anything funny." Dark eyes stared up at me; Mr Thirteen refused to approach close enough for me to reach until I crouched down, putting myself low enough for him to attack if he didn't like what I was doing.

As for the answer to my question, it was yes. Mr Thirteen did feel a lot like a beaver, his fur soft and thick and ever so slightly oily. There were some knots and matted patches on the back of his neck where his jacket had been rubbing at things; I did my best to fluff and untangle them. Mostly though, I was just scratching and petting like I would for a cat, sleepily enthralled by the first furry creature I'd had a chance to touch since coming to this world. Ruatha's feathery scales weren't nearly this soft. It made me wish we had a ship's cat- which in turn made me wonder at the fact that there were no rats on the Going Merry. Weren't they practically a fixed feature of ships in the age of sail?

After a few minutes, Mr Thirteen began a series of low grunting noises that almost sounded like he was purring. At first I thought I'd done something wrong, but the otter frowned and growled when I pulled away, prompting me to continue petting. Then, to my surprise, he stretched up and started grooming me, shoving my hat off and nosing and pawing through my hair. Miss Friday looked at her partner as if he was crazy.

Eventually, Mr Thirteen pulled back and began writing again. Thank you. That felt nice. You seem like a decent human; I hate to kill you.

"And you're a very nice otter; I'd hate to die." I put my hat back on while Mr Thirteen recovered his coat. "If it bothers you though, I can offer you an alternative to us fighting to the death."

Mr Thirteen looked intrigued. I'm listening.

"Well… You work for Crocodile, and you've seen the crew I'm part of. Now, if I die here, everyone else will still go on to take down Baroque Works. That's a fact; Crocodile's organization is tough, but not enough to handle a full-on Straw Hat assault. That'll leave you out of a job- to the point where you'd be forced to become marine informers in exchange for food and shelter." Which meant that Mr Thirteen and Miss Friday were both domesticated, unable to survive on the wild on their own, but I didn't come out and say it. It would probably just make them angry.

An upheld paw and rapid scribbling interrupted me. Prove it. How can you be so sure your crew can beat Sir Crocodile? He's one of the Seven Warlords of the Sea.

"You've heard of Vice-Admiral Garp, yes?" I paused. When Both Mr Thirteen and Miss Friday nodded, I continued. A grin slowly grew over my face. "Well, that's my captain's grandfather. Luffy's been trained by the hero of the marines since birth; what makes you think a mere Shichibukai could compare?"

Both animals swallowed visibly. I see your point. Continue with your proposal.

"Now… What I'm offering is more secure employment. As you've seen, we have the princess of Alabasta with us right now. If you helpus take down Crocodile, I'm sure she could be convinced to help you find a place in her kingdom. Or if you don't want that, I can help you find a place that suits you somewhere else."

The otter and the vulture looked at each other. Then Miss Friday lowered her machine gun while Mr Thirteen wrote some more. We are… open to the possibility. What exactly would you have us do?

"Don't take those sketches of yours to Crocodile; just give them to me. And maybe tell him that Vivi, Igaram, and their partners were killed by pirates while hunting the island whale or something."

That's all? Mr Thirteen frowned. We can do that easily. If Miss Friday agrees, I accept. He turned to his companion. The vulture stared at me, red eyes boring into my soul. Then she clacked her beak and nodded, hiding her gun away properly. The otter smiled. Well, there you have it. We will be your eyes and ears in Crocodile's office.

"Thank you." There was always the possibility that they were playing me, but I'd run with the assumption that they were telling the truth until I saw evidence. A decision I may or may not regret later, but acting suspicious would only make them less likely to trust me in turn. Besides… If I couldn't trust the fluffy people, who could I trust? In my old home, animals had always been more reliable than humans. I rubbed Mr Thirteen's head a little more before he put his hood up, indicating that it was time for them to leave. I offered similar attentions to Miss Friday, but she pecked me. Then she shook herself and backed away, fluffing her feathers.

"Oww…" I licked the gouge on my hand until it stopped bleeding. But it wasn't a real attack; if Miss Friday had really wanted to hurt me, her beak would've broken some bones. Still, I got the message- no bird scritches.

Mr Thirteen handed me his sketches of the crew before climbing on Miss Friday's back. The vulture's wingbeats were loud and heavy as she took off; the wind she whipped up buffeted me and nearly knocked my hat off. I waved as the agents rose. They responded by circling above me twice before flying away.

When I went back to the others, Mr Nine and Miss Monday were in a panic. The wannabe prince had jumped into the muscular woman's arms; Miss Monday's jaw was nearly on the ground as she stared up at the sky. Add another thing to the list of anatomical weirdness I needed to ask Chopper about. "AH! THE UNLUCKIES! THEY SAW US!"

Luffy followed Miss Monday's gaze upwards. "Huh? What're you talking about? Wait…" He squinted. "Is that a bird? Can I eat it?"

With his sniping goggles, Usopp was able to get a much better look. "It's… an otter riding a vulture? I don't think you should try Luffy; the vulture might make you sick. They eat rotting meat."

Vivi was pale, leaning against Carue, while Igaram… huh. The captain of the guard was gone. I wondered where. "Oh no… If the Unluckies were here, that means Crocodile knows all your names and faces. And he knows I didn't go to sea with Igaram…" The princess bit her lip.

Johnny and Yosaku moved to comfort Vivi, patting her on the back as if she were one of the guys. "Hey, calm down Big Sis Vivi. Big Sis Jones was off on her own right before we saw them; that means she probably did something."

"Yeah! Last time she ran off alone, she got a bunch of marines with poison gas!"

Oh boy. Yes, let's just tell the girl who already thinks I'm a monster about what could technically qualify as a war crime- thinking about it, I was pretty sure it did on Earth, but I had no idea if anywhere in the One Piece world had something similar to The Hague Conventions. Judging by how enthusiastic the hunters were, I was guessing the answer was no. Vivi did look horrified at that revelation of my past actions though. I instinctively edged sideways to put Ghin between myself and the princess.

Nami sighed and rubbed her temples. "Johnny, Yosaku… Do the world a favour and stop trying to help. The anchor thing last night was bad enough. Now, Jones… Did you actually do something, or were you just off in the bathroom like you told Yosaku?"

I stifled a yawn as Ruatha sniffed my hand. He growled and began rubbing and licking at my fingers, trying to remove Mr Thirteen's scent. With my free hand, I waved the agent's pictures above my head. "Otters are social mammals that bond through mutual grooming. I made friends with Mr Thirteen and convinced him and Miss Friday to tell Crocodile that Vivi and Igaram are dead. Also… Otters are soft and fluffy!" I closed my eyes and smiled at the memory. I missed having fuzzy pets so much. Nami hit me over the head with her staff to bring me back on track.

"Oww…" I rubbed my head and swayed, nauseous and tired and distracted by an especially large hallucination. But I'd needed that hit. In fact, I'd have taken a hundred of Nami's punches over what came next.

"You… You made friends with the Unluckies?" Vivi was around Ghin before he could react, grabbing me by the front of my bandanna. "Are you mad and an idiot as well as heartless? You can't trust them! They're some of Crocodile's most brutal and loyal enforcers!" The princess twisted her grip so I was being choked by the cloth around my neck. "Or… Are you just telling us this because you think it's what we want to hear? For all we know, you could be in league with Crocodile! You might've just given everything away!"

This seemed a little deranged for the princess. Guess my writer wasn't very good at keeping her in character. That, or she was experimenting with something that may or may notbe working. I reached to the back of my neck to untie my bandanna, gasping for breath as I was freed. Vivi's fingers loosened in surprise, allowing me to reclaim the red fabric. I scowled up at the princess; this was frustrating. My mind blanked for a second as I groped for words. "I've already told you- I don't mean any harm! I'm trying to help!"

Vivi actually sighed, which was new. "You have no idea how much I wish I could believe that. Your future knowledge would be invaluable… But you've given no indication that you can be trusted, you don't share anything, and you talk about people's lives as if they're tools or toys. And then what Johnny and Yosaku said about the gas…"

I deflated, hanging my head so my hat shadowed my eyes. Then I rolled up my sleeves and held my arms out with the scars facing upwards, puffy and red against pale skin. Luffy made a strangled whining noise at the sight. "Jones… I thought you didn't like to show those…"

Instead of answering my captain, I raised my head slowly and forced myself to look Vivi in the eye. Huh. Dark grey, with little flecks of brown around the pupil- she had the same colour eyes as me. My breathing became heavy; my words were slow and quiet as I fought to keep them even. "Look… I've never claimed to be a good person. I'm absent-minded, reckless, and impatient; I hate being bored and I like fighting far too much. When I'm angry or scared, sometimes I have blackouts. The irrationality I accuse you of- I can be as bad if not worse, given the right situation. I've tried to kill myself in the past, and earlier today I killed someone else for the first time… because they wounded Ruatha. I can't even say I'm sorry about it- whether that's because I'm still in shock, or because I don't deal well with emotions in general, I don't know."

Staring. Vivi met my gaze, but said nothing. I couldn't read her expression either. This left me feeling incredibly vulnerable; I ploughed on anyway. I needed to do this. Even if Vivi still didn't like me, I needed her to understand. "You're probably right; I'm probably a lot colder and calmer about these things than I should be. No one's ever accused me of being mentally healthy. But I swear, by the twisted coils of Patoll and the waters of Natrimpe, I would never do anything to intentionally harm Alabasta. Or if the gods of death and the sea aren't binding enough, I'll swear by our crew's Jolly Roger, or the white lion of my family. Whatever oath I can make that you'll believe…"

Dark eyes bored into mine; I wanted to look away, but I didn't dare. This was important. Even if Vivi still didn't like me, I needed her to trust me. The princess scowled, pursing her lips as she thought. Ruatha nuzzled my face and crooned, upset because I was. Then I felt a warm presence at my back and a hand on my free shoulder.

"Jones doesn't always tell the truth," Luffy put in, his voice unusually serious. "Sometimes she's scared, or not saying something cause I asked her not to say much about the future. She even manages to lie without really lying, which is weird. But she means what she's saying now; she doesn't want to hurt your country."

For a moment, Vivi looked like a fish caught out of water. Surprise, confusion, suspicion… She couldn't seem to form the words to respond. When her voice did come out, it was much softer than when she usually spoke to me. "I… Even if that's true, how can she trust the Unluckies? Like I said, they're Crocodile's fiercest enforcers. Nothing stops them from getting a job done."

I rolled my sleeves back down and rubbed my forearms; Luffy shifted his hand from my shoulder to rubbing soothing circles on my back. Only then did I realize how much I was shaking. This was… more nerve-wracking than I'd thought it would be. Part of my mind absently noted that Luffy was much more understanding and supportive when it came to anxiety than I would've thought just from what was shown in canon. Must come from having grown up with Ace.

"To be honest, I'm not entirely sure I can trust them. I bonded with Mr Thirteen through mutual grooming; otters use that to build relationships, resolve conflict, and decrease stress. He decided that he liked me and would regret killing me, so I offered him an alternative. He accepted. But I have no idea if he was trying to play me or not, or if he actually trusts me as much as it looked like."

Zoro frowned and folded his arms. "So, we might have allies, but they might be more sneaking, spying assassins after us when we're not looking? Why does this have to be so complicated?"

Ignoring the swordsman, Vivi continued to watch me. Her eyes were softer now though, no longer outright hostile. Then the princess closed her eyes and sighed for a second time. She shook her head and backed away from me, apparently lacking the words to express whatever opinion she had on what I'd done. That was probably the best response I was going to get right now. Oh well, as long as she didn't try to choke me again for a little while, I'd take it.

Stifling a yawn, I changed the subject. "So… What did I miss when I was off with the fluffies?"

Luffy bounced excitedly, his hand leaving my back in order to join its partner in waving about. "Jack and Mairead are gonna come party with us when we take Vivi home!"

"Who and… who?" The only Jack I remembered was in the New World, and I was pretty sure I'd never read the name Mairead in the comics.

"The frilly boy and the Amazon." I'm sure Zoro thought he was clarifying things, but I was too tired to understand right away. It was only when he gestured at the still stunned Baroque Works agents that I figured out Jack was Mr Nine and Mairead was Miss Monday. Unexpected, but I suppose it made sense; Nine and Monday couldn't be their actual names.

"Okay. And what happened to Igaram?"

"He already left; he wanted to provide a decoy in case those other people you were talking about- Mr Five and Miss Valentine- were closer than you thought." Nami waved her hand out to sea, where a small boat was floating. A bright shock of turquoise and dark blue was the Alabastan guard captain dressed in his drag disguise. Well, at least I didn't have to see it up close. Although… He was leaving early. I wondered how that would change things. Would he still survive being blown up by Robin? Would she even catch him at all? There was no way to know…

I squinted out to sea, watching the speck that was Igaram's boat. It took several long minutes to disappear over the horizon, and I watched that spot even longer just in case. Something was missing… "Eh? No boom?"

Johnny shot me a puzzled look. "What's up Big Sis?"

"Never mind." I shook my head. "I guess it's not important; doesn't look like she's here yet."

Awkward silence followed, with everyone looking around at a loss. Nami looked up at the sun and sighed. "Another hour until the pose resets."

Luffy groaned. "An hour's so long though! And I wanna party on the Merry! But not til we're away from the people hunting Vivi and them- it's no fun here." The rubber boy fidgeted and bounced around. "Bored! Bored, bored, bored!"

Ghin looked around. "Well, we could always pillage the village."

"What?"

The former Krieg pirate shrugged. "Well, they tried to ambush us and failed- badly. Since it seems a shame for an accidental sacking to go to waste, we may as well take any supplies we need. It'll ease up on the burden of having extra mouths to feed." He nodded in Nami's direction.

"Hold up!" Mr Nine- sorry, I mean Jack- finally climbed out of Mairead's arms and stood on his own. "I have a question! Coming with you may be our best option, but will we still have to stay in the hold? Because if we do, I might just take my chances here after all. The bed down there sucks."

Actually, mister, that was my bed you were insulting, and I would very much like it back. Sleeping on deck was not fun. But before I could open my mouth, Nami slapped the wannabe prince upside the head. "You'll sleep where we put you, and you'll like it! But no," the sailing master calmed quickly, "You won't be in the hold anymore. Vivi and Mairead can bunk with me; you'll be staying with the men."

"Really? With those- mph!" Mairead covered Jack's mouth before he could finish. The force with which she did so was enough to bruise his face.

"Thank you. He means to say thank you for your hospitality." The muscular woman sighed and cocked her head apologetically in Nami's direction. "Honestly… men."

The sailing master nodded. "I know what you mean. Don't worry about it."

Vivi frowned, shooting a pointed look in my direction. "I'd still rather not share a room with her, if that's an option."

Luffy frowned, confused. "Huh? But Jones doesn't sleep in the girls' cabin- she sleeps in the cargo hold."

"No, she… doesn't…" The princess trailed off, her frown taking on a slightly different tone. I'm not sure what it meant; the nuances of facial expressions sometimes escape me. "Wait- if you usually sleep where we were, then where were you sleeping the last few nights?"

"She wasn't." Ghin reached over to poke my forehead. I made a face at him.

"That's just last night!" Turning back to the princess, I stared at the ground a bit to her right and reached up to scratch Ruatha's head. "When we have prisoners, I sleep on the deck."

"What? Why?" Vivi's frown shifted again, this time to confusion.

I shrugged. "I'm uncomfortable sleeping in a room with other people, and Ruatha makes a lot of noise and keeps me up some nights. Don't wanna inflict that on anyone else."

"But even then, why didn't you make us stay up on deck, or in the bilge or something? Not that I'm saying I didn't prefer the hold to that…"

"Oi!" Johnny yelped. "No one goes in the bilge right now, got it? Me'n Yosaku're working on a big surprise!"

The princess' question honestly took me by surprise. Would most people have made the prisoners sleep on deck? But they might escape from there… What we needed was a ship with a proper brig. I made a note of that for when Franky was building the Thousand Sunny. My brain checked out for an instant; when I shook myself back to proper consciousness, Vivi was still looking at me. Oh, she actually wanted an answer, didn't she?

"Umm… Because you'd have had a better chance at escaping from the deck? I dunno… Why would we make you sleep on deck?" I looked around at my crew mates for support, only to find them all wearing looks of dawning realization. It made me feel left out; I didn't understand what was going on. Nami moved very slowly as she came over to hit me over the head. She didn't say anything, leaving me even more confused.

"Ow! What did I do?"

It was Zoro who answered- and wasn't that odd? He and Nami so rarely agreed on anything. "You're a member of the crew- a person we need to be able to rely on- but you've been sleeping exposed to the elements and putting your health at risk. We can find somewhere else to keep prisoners, since we keep getting so many of them."

"Could tie them up on the gun deck," Sanji offered, lighting a fresh cigarette.

"But there's no room for a person to lie down comfortably in there," I reminded him. The cook rolled his eyes.

"Prisoners don't have to be comfortable. Just make sure we don't have to hold any ladies in the shitty gun deck; I never would've suggested this if we still had to keep Vivi dear in there!" Sanji wiggled back and forth like a boneless noodle. A good hit to the head from Zoro put that to a halt, although it did lead to a brief, noisy brawl when the cook retaliated by kicking the bosun in the solar plexus.

Through the clatter and thump of the fight, Vivi just stared at me. She looked… confused. As uncomfortable as the staring was, I was equally puzzled. Why was the princess so focused on the sleeping arrangement issue? Did it mean something? Trying to figure this out made my head hurt. Oh well, back to things that made more sense. I stretched and yawned as I put Vivi's odd questions out of my mind.

"Alright guys, we've- yaaaaaaaaaaah- still got a while before we can go. Ghin's right, it'd be a shame to let an accidental sacking go to waste. Let's get looting!" The gamer in me took over.

"Right away Big Sis!" The hunters followed my lead as I went into the saloon and began rifling around. Food and drink were the highest priorities after all, on a crew like ours.

Luffy giggled as he and Usopp began poking around other buildings. "Now we're acting like pirates, shishishishishi! Beat up the bad guys and take their stuff! Make sure you get the meat guys- I want all the meat!"

"Of course you do, Shitty Rubber." Sanji joined me and the hunters, unwilling to let us pick out food supplies unsupervised. The smell of smoke that followed him everywhere made me cough. Erg… Once we had Chopper, the reindeer and I needed to gang up on the cook for the lecture of a lifetime about the health risks that accompanied Sanji's vice. Although it was difficult to imagine the chef without his cigarettes, no matter how much they worried me or how I hated the smell.

X

"Alright everyone! The pose is set!" The sun was still in the sky when Nami called us all in from our raiding. That… didn't feel right. I yawned, coughed, and swatted at a hallucination before grabbing one last barrel of water and making my way back to the Merry. Ruatha squawked happily and rested his chin on my head.

"We're leaving already?" I asked numbly as I climbed aboard. Everyone nodded. I frowned. "But… But it's not night yet, let alone midnight. I haven't seen any signs of the Mr Five pair."

Nami shrugged. "Well, that's their loss. If we're leaving earlier than you remember, that just means we'll be at Alabasta that much sooner. Depending on the islands in between, at least."

I seriously doubted that. Even if we could get through Little Garden faster, having Nami laid up ill in Drum Kingdom would probably undo any gains we made in time. And even if it didn't, we were only gaining maybe six hours- not much. Although… I knew how to prevent Nami getting sick. I should… I liked her, and I think she even liked me, most of the time at least. We were crewmates, almost family. And things had been so close if I was remembering canon correctly. What if my involvement threw our timing off the other way too, made us take longer between Little Garden and Drum? I couldn't risk Nami's life like that.

But if I didn't… If I didn't, what about Chopper? Because if no one was ill, there was no reason to stop in Drum Kingdom and get a doctor. Getting to Alabasta a few days earlier could give us an advantage dealing with Crocodile, but without Chopper, what would happen further down the line? Would we lose someone at Ennies Lobby if we didn't have access to proper medical care? Thriller Bark? And Wapol would probably be able to regain his hold on Drum… I didn't want to think about it. My fingernails dug into my palm hard enough to draw blood, although I didn't realize this until a coughing fit snapped me out of my daze.

"You alright Jones?" Zoro stepped to the side when I went to punch him, one eyebrow rising. The altercation earned a startled squawk from Carue, and an amused chatter from Ruatha.

"Fine! I'm- yaaaaaaaah- fucking fine!" This time, a hallucination struck as my mind was trying to blank out. The bosun caught me before I could stagger overboard, groping for a shadow that wasn't there.

"Just lie down already." Dark eyes bored into mine; I looked away, submitting. "You've been up for what? Thirty-six hours now? More?"

"Dunno. Wasn't counting." I didn't resist when Zoro took my water barrel, but I didn't move to go rest either. At least, not until Ghin came up behind me and grabbed me by the back of the neck.

"Go to bed," he ordered, shoving me towards the main hatch. "Or at least have a nap somewhere. If I see you still up and about in five minutes, I'll sit on you until you stay down."

"But what if-?"

"If anything that looks important happens, someone'll wake you up."

Since the Baroque Works agents were no longer prisoners and their belongings were being moved to the appropriate cabins, I made my way towards the hold and my preferred bed. Not that I got there. Ghin's threat had been unnecessary; forget five minutes, I barely lasted five steps before my mind finally succeeded in blanking out properly, sending me tumbling face-first into darkness. Or, well, the deck, but it looked and felt like darkness from my perspective.

X

I woke up to the sticky, slimy sensation of Ruatha licking my face. Judging by the fact that I felt even worse than when I'd fallen asleep, I'd only slept for an hour or two. My eyelids no longer felt so heavy, but my head was filled with cotton balls and my stomach was roiling. Although part of that second bit was probably that I hadn't yet discharged all the force I'd absorbed back in the fight. Also, the muscles at the base of my spine were starting to stiffen up and my tailbone ached something fierce. Lovely. I groaned and swatted at my dragonet, sitting up and removing my glasses to clean them. Ruatha seemed to see this as some sort of victory, as he began doing a strange dance in a circle around me. I rolled my eyes and yawned.

"Yaaaaaaah- Yes, yes, you're cute. Is there a reason you woke me up?"

"Sha!"

"Sorry, I don't speak baby dragon." Although Ruatha was perfectly capable of making his desires known without words. The dragonet finished his dance and climbed onto my shoulder, crooning and gnawing on the brim of my hat. At that point I gave up trying to save my headwear. No matter how many times I slapped him on the muzzle, he always came back.

It was about then that I noticed I was no longer on the deck, which I was certain was where I'd fallen asleep. Instead there was worn canvas under me, folded atop a pair of large crates. All around me was in darkness, except for a single beam of orange light filtering through a portal. Someone- likely Ghin- had moved me down to my corner of the hold.

With my dragon on my shoulder, I climbed back up on deck. Everything seemed peaceful; there was no shouting, no one was racing through the rigging or hauling the capstan around. In fact, almost everybody seemed to be preparing for a party. Delicious smells poured out of the kitchen- spices, coffee, frying fish, and something fruity that I couldn't quite identify, although it was familiar. Usopp, Johnny, and Yosaku were busy setting out pillows and blankets in some sort of makeshift picnic configuration, while Luffy chased Carue across the ship.

"Come back here duck! I need yellow feathers to make decorations!"

"Quack!" In an attempt to avoid plucking, the duck dove behind Nami and Vivi. The pair were at Nami's usual table up on the poop deck, where the princess was describing the geography of Alabasta to our eager navigator.

Ghin stared at me as I emerged from the hatch, then shook his head with an exasperated sigh. "You didn't need to get up yet."

"Ruatha thought I should. So… Can someone please explain what we're supposed to be celebrating?"

Luffy paused in his pursuit of Carue. "Nothing. Pirates like parties and you said there would be one, but there wasn't, so we should make our own." Ah, Luffy logic, you never cease to amaze and confuse me.

"Okay then." I shrugged. "In that case, I'll be up in the crow's nest keeping watch if anyone needs me."

"Huh? Why?"

"I don't like parties Captain."

Blank eyes. Luffy's stare was the personification of Error 404 as he stared at me; it took him over a minute to find the words he was looking for. "But you're a pirate! Pirates like parties- how can you not like parties?"

"Too loud, too many people jammed close together, almost never know anyone there, can't stand drunk people... Take your pick."

Luffy's eyes went from blank to lighting up into determined stars. "Well, this one'll be different, cause you know us and there aren't lots of people! And I won't let anyone get all the way drunk!" The rubber boy spun and shouted for the whole crew to hear. "HEY EVERYONE! NO GETTING ALL THE WAY DRUNK, OKAY? IT MAKES JONES UNCOMFORTABLE!"

Zoro snorted. "As if I would… A true swordsman never drinks himself into a stupor."

Johnny and Yosaku nodded enthusiastically. "What Big Bro said!"

"I've never been drunk a day in my life," Usopp boasted. "In fact, one time I got in a drinking contest and was still stone-cold sober by the time I'd beaten a half-giant and six dwarves!" That unlikely claim earned him a staff to the head, courtesy of Nami.

Mairead appeared beside me when Luffy raced off to continue trying to pluck Carue. I jumped; a woman that size had no right to be able to move that quietly! First Zoro, now her… How was it that all these tall, muscular, highly visible people were unintentional masters of stealth? Or were they just masters of nearly giving me in particular heart attacks?

"This is an odd little crew. I've never seen pirates who'd let the discomfort of a single member get in the way of getting drunk off their asses."

"That's probably not the oddest thing you'll see, sailing with us." I scratched Ruatha's mane as I glanced up at the former Baroque Works agent. "Do most pirate crews have a coward whose lies and boasts can become reality? A ship with only a single cannon? Rotating night watch shifts that are more concerned with keeping the captain out of the galley than the approach of strange ships? A chain of command that looks like someone threw mashed potatoes on the floor and started doodling in them?"

"No, I guess not." Mairead shook her head and smiled. "It's refreshing, actually. The bit about the chain of command, I mean. Baroque Works was so rigid; I'd almost forgotten what this sort of childish freedom looked like. People like you kids had no place in Mr Zero's utopia."

"Which is unfair. How can a place be paradise without freedom? No, what Crocodile would've ended up with would be a dystopia." Wait… Was that what the One Piece world as a whole was meant to be? With all the shifty, controlling, often downright evil things the World Government pulled, maybe. Even some of the seemingly happy places- Goa Kingdom, Dressrosa- were like 1984 or Brave New World once you dug deeper. I made a face at that realization. I hated those books.

Mairead shot me an odd look. "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing you need to worry about." I waved her off and went to make myself useful with the party preparations.

Everything was ready just after the sun went down. Sanji set places out on a spread of blankets in the middle of the deck- a pirate picnic of fried red herring, spiced chips, and coffee cake complete with Jolly Roger icing. There were even piña coladas, although I wasn't sure where or when the cook had the opportunity to pick up coconuts and pineapples. Not that I paid much attention to the grocery shopping, except when I gave people lists for Loguetown. I probably should. Knowing what was available to work with on the ship might be important.

Whatever decorations Luffy wanted Carue's feathers for never got made. The duck was too good at hiding behind Nami and Vivi; the rubber boy couldn't get close. But we did have candles everywhere to give off festive light. Usopp and I had been in charge of lighting those, to the gunner's annoyance. What can I say? There were a lot of candles. He looked askance at me as we finished.

"Jones… Can't dragons breathe fire?" The sniper shot a pointed look at my constant passenger.

"Actually, that's a poor way of saying it." I patted Ruatha as the dragonet yanked on my bandanna for attention. "Dragons don't breathe fire any more than you or I breathe saliva. They exhale it, or maybe spit is a better word. And not all dragon breath weapons are fire anyway. There's also lightning, ice, acid, poison gas… Some have a roar that can produce shockwaves instead, and others don't have a breath weapon at all. And I didn't see any of the adult millennial dragons use a breath weapon, so I don't know which stories might apply, if any. Although even if he can spit fire, I think Ruatha's too young for that. I mean, he's only a few days old."

"…You know way too much about this stuff."

"Probably. But now that I actually have a dragon, some of it has to come in handy." Ruatha apparently took offense at those words, as he began tugging my bandanna tight enough to choke me. Probably an attempt to show that he had me as much as I had him. I removed the dragonet from my shoulder and swatted him on the rump.

"Hey! You don't do that! I'm supposed to be your mother- show some respect."

"Nah!" Ruatha flinched. His eyes went wide, the same expression as a puppy that knows it's done something wrong, before he buried his face in my chest.

Usopp shuddered. "Can't say I envy any kids you have."

"It's fine. I'm not hitting him hard enough to hurt, just to make some noise and scare him a bit. If I'd started choking someone when I was little, pretty sure my mom would've done the same thing."

I was on edge as we ate, just waiting for something to happen. But Mr Five and Miss Valentine were nowhere to be seen, and there was no sign of Robin either. We'd left Whiskey Peak so early… I began to wonder if we'd see them at all, and if it would change anything down the line if we didn't. Hard to say. So I tried not to worry too much as I fought Ruatha for control of my potatoes.

It was funny watching Vivi, Jack, and Mairead's reactions to their first meal with the crew. They were stunned for the first minute, staring as Luffy stole from almost everyone while I wrestled with my dragon off to the side. Then they noticed that rubber hands were sneaking bits from their plates too- a fry here, a strip of fish there, not enough to be immediately noticeable. Luffy was learning subtlety. But eventually Jack spotted him and yelled, bringing one of his bats down on a thieving hand.

"Hey! Stop that!"

Luffy pouted. "But you weren't eating it- just sitting there staring at everyone."

"Because you guys are so weird! Who ever heard of a dinner like this?"

Yosaku shook his head. "Breakfast, lunch, dinner… It's like this whenever we all sit down for a meal together Bro. you'll get used to it." The green hunter jabbed Luffy in the hand with a fork without looking when, midway through the conversation, the captain decided that Yosaku was distracted enough to be easy pickings.

It didn't take long for everyone to be done eating- in Luffy's presence, it never did. The captain pouted as we moved all the blankets and pillows to the sides of the deck. "Dammit… I forgot- we don't have a musician yet. How can we have our own parties without a musician?"

Ghin's eyebrows pinched together as he debated whether or not to offer his singing skills again. To my surprise, Mairead was also frowning. Then, without a word, the muscular woman began tapping experimentally at the deck and rails of the Merry. Everyone watched her with confusion- except Vivi and Jack, who made soft noises of understanding. Mairead nodded, pleased with whatever she'd found. Her experimental tapping slowly grew into a complex rhythm, beat out on the deck, the rail, and her own hands and knees. It sounded like something a particularly skilled summer camp counsellor might come up with around a bonfire.

Luffy stopped whining to shoot Mairead an incredulous look. "Are you a musician?"

"No." She didn't pause as she spoke. "But where I come from, fancy instruments weren't common. This's how we made the beat for town dances. Mr Ei- Igaram and I sometimes had disagreements about music because of it."

"Oh! Cool!" Luffy immediately grabbed Usopp and pulled the sniper to the center of the deck, performing some strange monkey dance that vaguely followed Mairead's beat. One by one, the rest of the crew joined in with varying levels of dancing skill.

I sat by a rail and watched as my crew mates danced. Even Nami got into it, dragging Vivi along with her. As I'd suspected, the princess was an excellent dancer. In contrast, her Baroque Works partner had no sense of rhythm- although Jack made up for that with his acrobatics and enthusiasm. It was fun, watching them all enjoy themselves.

At one point, Johnny shimmied his awkward gangly way over to me and held out his hand. "Come on Big Sis! Come dance!"

"No." I curled into a ball and rested my chin on my knees. "You can take Ruatha though."

"Why?"

"I just don't dance, okay?" Especially not when I was still tired and force-nauseous. "Plus, I'm still exhausted, and my tailbone hurts a lot. Might not be able to walk tomorrow." To get the blue hunter to stop pushing, I shoved my dragon at him. Ruatha let out a gleeful chirp and began flapping and hopping about; Johnny looked like he was about to protest, then shrugged and followed the dragon's lead. The sight- something between the Chicken Dance, a polka, and the Macarena- made me smile.

Stars popped out one by one as the party went on; the moons rose. I lost track of the time, yawning and laughing as everyone else engaged in progressively sillier dances. As if the Straw Hats needed alcohol to lose all inhibitions; I wasn't sure if I should be grateful that it meant I'd never be trapped on a ship with drunk people, or terrified of the thought that they didn't need to get drunk. Exactly what kind of dance required Yosaku to take off his coat and whirl it around himself like a torero's cape? Or Johnny and Usopp to take turns prancing around him and charging through said whirling coat? And since when was Zoro willing to dance at all, let alone while holding hands with Luffy and wearing a warbling dragon as a hat?

The captain probably made him do it.

Even through the music and laughter, I didn't let my guard drop completely. Part of that was habit, from how much I disliked parties. Especially in first year, when being anywhere near a party- even if you weren't a participant- was apparently an invitation for drunk people to come harass you. So I kept an eye out as best I could; while it was too dark to see Mr Five's boat on the horizon, I'm sure it passed us. With how sound carries over water, I was surprised that the agents didn't come to investigate, assuming we did pass them; then again, this was the Grand Line. There was nothing suspicious about a band of pirates having a loud party, and the agents were on a mission. Since they weren't close enough to see Vivi on our ship, why would they think she was here- or even take the time to check?

Something splashed in the water behind me. I turned to glance over the rail, but there was nothing there. It was just a fish.

Ghin had started singing Get Up Jack, John Sit Down; I considered the possibility of it becoming my new favourite song. The former Krieg pirate was arm in arm with Luffy and Sanji, creating some sort of three-man pinwheel. Sanji's face was full of confusion and distaste, not quite certain how he'd gotten there. The best part, though, was that despite the silly dance he appeared to be leading, Ghin still wore his usual sardonic smirk.

Part of me wanted to join in. I'd never been taught to dance, but figure skating was probably close enough- not that I expected my crew mates would care what my dancing looked like. But dancing was embarrassing, and with a broken tailbone… Maybe some other time. I wasn't ready just yet.

Ruatha tackled me in a bout of enthusiasm, claws raking lines on the sides of my face. He grabbed my hat in his mouth and took off, dancing around with his prize. I shook my head and leaned back against the rail, too tired and sore to play tag with a baby dragon who always had a surplus of energy. Besides… For all he liked to chew on my hat, he never did it any real harm. It would be fine.

For the first time I could remember, I felt safe and relaxed at a party. I let my eyes close, drifting off to the sounds of the music and dancing. Not that they were exactly a lullaby, but I really needed some sleep. After a few minutes, someone sat down beside me. Delicate fingers carded through my hair. Must be Nami- Vivi would never… Not with me. Although I couldn't really see Nami doing this either… I kept my eyes closed so I didn't embarrass her, leaning into the touch like a cat.

The stroking fingers began to toy with my ponytail, removing the elastic and combing out knots. That made me a little uncomfortable, although I'd never been able to explain why- I just hated people messing with my hair. Probably an extension of my dislike for being touched. But while I tensed, I trusted Nami enough to let her keep going. I relaxed after a while when nothing happened. Once all the knots were gone, Nami started to braid my hair. She was very gentle about it- in the past when my mother had done this, the tugging hurt my scalp, but I barely noticed Nami pulling at all. Maybe she'd practiced with Nojiko when they were little. Soon my elastic was back in, wrapped around the end of a thick braid that lay heavy on my neck. Hmm… Actually, this felt like it might make a good weapon. Still preferred my ponytail though.

"I don't suppose there's any of that coffee cake left? It smelled delicious." Hold on a second- that wasn't Nami's voice. It was familiar though, from years of watching the anime. I opened my eyes to see Nico Robin sitting beside me, chin resting on her hands. Two more hands that had sprouted out of my shoulders were the ones playing with my hair- I was already so used to carrying Ruatha's weight that I hadn't noticed.

Besides me, Sanji saw her first. I think her little corset/tank top/vest- maudit, like I knew what the thing she was wearing should be called- and short skirt may have done something to the cook's brain. He spun in place, letting out a wordless cry as his eyes turned to hearts and a stream of blood leaked from his nose. Robin tilted her cowboy hat back with a chuckle. I have to admit, I wasn't unaffected by her clothes either. They very revealing, and the sight made me uncomfortable in a number of ways. I want to say Robin wore a lot of purple, since her whole outfit was made of the colour, but given that you could put everything she wore together and come up with less fabric than was in my shirt- despite her being much taller than me- I wasn't sure if it could count as a lot.

Everyone froze, the party dying down in an instant. I dove away from Robin despite protests from my tail area, spinning around to crouch facing her. Vivi gasped. The princess retrieved her Peacock Slashers and prepared for a fight. "What are you doing here, Miss All Sunday?"

Oh, right, that was her alias. Robin's answer to Vivi's question was to vanish the arms that had sprouted on my shoulders and smile. "Oh, there you are Princess. This explains why everyone in Whiskey Peak was unconscious when I went to check on you."

"Don't play like you're some sort of benefactor! I know you're the one who told Crocodile we'd discovered his identity!" I'd never seen Vivi so angry- and given the relationship I currently had with her, that was actually kind of impressive.

"Yes, but I'm also the one who led you to him in the first place." Either Robin was a very good actress, or she enjoyed messing with people's heads with that little smile of hers. Probably both. Seriously though, it was like Tom Cruise's smile, except more devious and chaotic.

Vivi took a step back, her brow creased in confusion. Jack and Mairead were very carefully standing behind the mast, trying to remain inconspicuous. Not sure how well that was gonna work out for them. Despite her obvious fear, though, the princess remained firm. "Why- why would you do something like that?"

"To see what would happen." Yep, Robin definitely liked messing with people's heads. The archaeologist took off her hat and began playing with it. Vivi growled.

"What kind of monster uses that as a reason?" The princess made to charge at Robin; Zoro stepped in front of her.

"Calm down, Princess. That woman's on a whole different level than you." The bosun reached for me as soon as he was sure Vivi had stopped. "Jones, you get back too."

"No, I- yaaaaaah- I'll be fine."

Robin was still focused on Vivi, totally unconcerned that the princess was being bodily prevented from attacking her. "Believe it or not, Princess, I didn't actually come here to capture you. As far as I'm concerned, all those unconscious bodies mean you escaped from Whiskey Peak undetected. No, I was simply curious. I saw your guard on my way to Whiskey Peak, but no sign of you with him. When you were also not among the casualties in the town, I decided it was for the best if I have a look around."

Vivi's eyes blazed; the princess shocked me with her ability to continue to soar to never-before-seen heights of fury. Also, since she was now struggling to escape Zoro's hold, she had either been bullshitting me yesterday when she claimed not to be a fighter, or her anger made her forget that Robin could probably take her apart. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO IGARAM?"

Robin shook her head in a way that suggested she found the princess' anger adorable. "What makes you think I did anything to him?"

Well, to be fair, in canon you blew him up in a nonlethal explosion. I wondered if she'd done the same here. Probably. Although if Igaram had been in a different position, further away from the shore… Tabarnak. Should I tell Vivi that her guard may be fine, but equally likely was a charred, drowned corpse at the bottom of the sea? Or should I let her imagination fill things in on her own?

"You're the woman helping Sir Crocodile destroy my country! Of course you did something to him!" Vivi actually managed to flick one of her Peacock Slashers out past Zoro to slice a nick on Robin's cheek. Hmm… Since the princess already didn't like me, saying nothing might be the best option for now. Besides, Igaram would be fine.

Right?

For her part, the archaeologist lost her little smile. In fact, her expression became so frigid that even I, the local Canadian, was left shivering. "Princess, I'll have to ask you to refrain from commenting on things you know nothing about. My goals are my own, and have nothing to do with the destruction of Alabasta or any other nation. Seeing one country destroyed was more than enough for me."

Vivi sputtered, unsure what to make of that. Silence fell, dark and uncomfortable. Robin stared at the princess for several long minutes before clearing her throat and forcing her Tom Cruise smile back on her face. And yes, I could tell it was forced, both from the appearance and from the topic that had just been under discussion. "Now, as I said earlier, I'm curious- why would a bunch of pirates allow their prisoners free reign of the ship? You can't ransom a princess who escapes."

"Vivi's not a prisoner." Luffy cocked his head to the side in confusion, unsure of what was going on. "Not anymore, anyway. We're gonna go kick Crocodile's ass and save her country."

"What our dear captain means," Nami elaborated, marching over to grind a fist into a rubber skull, "Is that she's not a prisoner, she's our employer. And it makes perfect sense for our employer and her friends to have run of the ship until we get them home."

Resting her chin on one hand, Robin started to relax. "Really? Interesting… I've never heard of pirates working for a member of the nobility before- except the Warlords of the Sea, of course." The archaeologist sprouted a number of hands in random places. They didn't do anything- yet- but the message was clear. She could get us any time, from any direction, should we choose to attack. Since Vivi looked both confused and mutinous, this was a reasonable precaution.

Nami snapped her staff together, ready but not threatening. "Well, we're not your usual sort of pirates."

"I can see that. My question still stands though- is there any of that coffee cake left?"

"Whether there is or not, why would we invite an enemy to eat with us?" A vein throbbed in Vivi's forehead. "This is a pirate ship, not a state dinner!"

Sighing, I pasted on my server's smile. Not that I wanted to be cold with Robin any more than I'd wanted to be cold with Vivi, but for the moment, that was diplomatically the best option. "Please ignore the princess for now- she's understandably upset by her kingdom's situation and isn't thinking rationally." A few good kicks brought Sanji back to coherence, if not all the way back to his senses. "Do we have any coffee cake left? We've got a guest."

"Of course we do! I was saving some for afternoon tea tomorrow."

Eh? "Since when does anyone on this ship drink afternoon tea?"

"Well, I thought that now her identity as a princess no longer has to be hidden from her partner, Vivi might like some." Aaaaand the cook was spinning again. Zoro shook his head and brought Sanji to a halt by grabbing his arm; the mood whiplash was hilarious.

"Oi! Hands off, shitty Moss Head!"

"I'll listen to you when you quit flirting with the enemy, Shit Cook!"

"Focus!" I clapped my hands, discharging a tiny bit of force to try and make it louder. Of course, I paid for that- the recoil made me stumble backwards and flung my arms apart. Okay, note to self, don't try that again until I had more consistent control. That was not as tiny as I meant it to be. "Sanji, please get some cake for our guest."

"Of course Jones." The cook marched off to the galley. Vivi glared at me like she was trying to decide the best way to murder me in my sleep, but said nothing.

Robin looked intrigued. "And who are you on this ship, that you have the authority to order him around?"

"Just the local witch. Sanji will take orders from any non-hostile female- and a lot of the hostile ones too."

"Jones…" Nami growled my name. I waved a hand at her in a way I hope implied I knew what I was doing. Although I really didn't. And that terrified me- Robin was an assassin; if I ticked her off, she wouldn't wish she could murder me in my sleep. She'd succeed. On top of that, Robin was enough older than me that she started to count as an authority figure as far as my anxiety was concerned. Not enough to prevent me speaking, but I could feel myself starting to shake.

Elegant eyebrows rose in surprise. "That's an awfully useful piece of information to just hand over to a potential enemy."

"Eh, there are much worse things I could tell you." I weighed each word carefully, trying to gauge how Robin was most likely to react. Had to make sure I didn't slip up with names and things like I did with Vivi. Which probably meant anything about history or poneglyphs was out too, at least until she joined our crew. Unless I could manage subtle and non-threatening to a great enough degree…

"Such as?"

"Afraid I can't say. You didn't expect me to fall into that simple of a trap, did you? I'm not my captain."

That remark made Robin pause, since she didn't yet know Luffy to know what it meant. I let my smile grow broader in the silence that followed, although it was still fake as hell. Sanji returned from the galley with a slice of coffee cake, which he handed to Robin with a bow.

"Here you are, milady."

"Thank you." Robin looked far more comfortable eating while surrounded by hostiles than I would've been. When she was done, Sanji took her dishes back to the kitchen and piled them with all the others to wash later. Merry shivered under our feet at that action, although only Usopp seemed to feel it. The gunner frowned at the deck in confusion.

"Now… I must admit, you have me curious. If you're carrying the princess, her turncoat partner, and a third traitor back to Alabasta, why are you not taking the direct route? Surely one of them has an eternal pose? Or was that on the same boat as her guard?" Hands bloomed on Luffy's shoulders, removing his hat and ruffling his hair. He growled and swiped at them, but they disappeared, dropping his hat back onto his head.

"Hey! Don't touch the hat!"

"My apologies." Robin didn't look sorry at all.

"Ruatha, give." I held out my hand. It was a gamble, asking the dragonet for a trick I hadn't even started teaching him, but it worked. My chewed, damp hat was deposited in my hand; I wiped it off and placed it on my head as I stood up. I was still too short to look Robin in the eye, forcing me to tilt my head up, but even that was part of my calculations. The hat thing let her know I had a dragon at my beck and call before drawing her attention to my face- my acne-and-ammonia-scarred, dragon-scratched face. It had been a source of tension between my mother and I for years, the fact that I didn't care about scars and often wore the ones I had with pride. And now it was coming in useful. I was too small to be intimidating just by standing there, so I made sure to showcase that I was a warrior- that even if I was choosing to start with words, I wouldn't back down if I thought I'd be hurt.

"Miss All Sunday, was it?" I tried to give Robin a look that said I knew more than I was saying, but since I had no idea what such an expression might look like, I doubt I succeeded. "I think you'll find that sitting back and watching us work will be far more amusing than attempting to sway our crew from our current course. That is, if seeing what will happen is your actual goal. After all… Wouldn't it be interesting to see what happens when Crocodile clashes with the Will of D?"

"You know what the Will of D means?" Suspicious, curious, but not hostile. Yet.

"Not really." I shrugged. "But I know that my captain- Monkey D Luffy- is one of its bearers, and I know he'll be king of the pirates, so he can't be defeated yet. The clock is ticking on Sir Crocodile."

"Is that a threat?" A faint chuckle of amusement- even if I had been trying to threaten her, Robin wasn't taking me seriously.

Pulling one of my apples out of my utility belt, I munched on it to buy myself time to think. Plus it made me look like more of an asshole, which would help hide my nervousness. "No, not a threat. I never threaten." Crunch. Oh, that was a good apple. Nice dramatic noise. "Just a fact. Like I said, I'm a witch- there's a lot of things I know about before they happen. Or after, or from a distance…"

"Impossible. Magic doesn't exist- it was just how the ancients explained the power of Devil Fruits." I wouldn't be so sure about that if I were you Robin. Some of what Basil Hawkins could do looked like magic to me.

"Really? You think it's impossible? How about we test it then- ask me a question. Your skepticism against my magic."

Of course, there was always the possibility that she would ask something I didn't know for sure. Robin shook her head, her smile shifting slightly so it was tinged with condescension. "Where would the point be in that? The future can't be known, there's no way I could verify distant events taking place in the present, and anything I could ask you about the past is something there's a possibility of you having read in a book or newspaper."

Well, that sentence was full of as much BS as some undergrad English papers I knew. She did have some past events that there was no way for me to have read about- well, unless I'd somehow gotten hold of classified government documents that may or may not exist. "Really? There's nothing you could think of to ask me that would prove whether I'm telling the truth?"

"You're fishing for something." Robin stood up to her full height, making me look up even more. "You already have a question or set of questions in mind, don't you? That's how this always works, with you leading people on- although I admit, your lack of airs and false mystique is refreshing."

Okay, she wasn't going to come easily. To be expected; if anyone had a reason to be suspicious, it was Robin. "I'll admit, there are some things I know better than others, and some I was hoping you'd ask about that would definitely prove me right." All this dancing around the subject was getting frustrating, even if it was the safest way to go about this. I sighed. "Look Miss, there are things in this world that can't be explained even by the spectacular BS of Devil Fruits." Like how I'd ended up in One Piece in the first place. "Sometimes you just have to take things on faith."

A hand gripped my shoulder. "Jones, what are you doing?" Ghin's words were a low rumble, barely audible. I brushed him off.

Robin looked away, her hat shadowing her eyes. "You'll have to forgive me, little witch. I don't mean to offend yours with my skepticism, but I've seen little in this world to leave me with any faith." Her voice remained calm and even, despite what she was probably thinking about since Vivi brought up destroying countries.

Ohara.

"I know. But it's once you regain your faith in others and yourself that you'll find a way towards what you're looking for."

"Exactly the sort of meaningless platitude I expected to hear from someone claiming to be a witch," Robin chuckled. "Your kind aren't the most original." She turned out to sea and whistled. I was surprised at her willingness to put her back to a crew of strange pirates, even for a few seconds.

There was a great sucking splash beside the Merry, followed by slopping noises. The ship rocked. Green scales emerged from the waves, the largest sea turtle I'd ever seen. Its shell- adorned with a shaded armchair howdah- was the size of a pickup truck; a white cowboy hat as big as a bathtub sat on its wrinkled head. Robin stepped up on the rail in order to reach out and mount her companion- funny, the turtle had never shown up after this in canon. I wondered where it went. Just as the future Straw Hat was about to leave, though, my traitor mouth opened up with something I hadn't meant to say.

"My uncle was an archaeologist." Not true, as much as I liked to call him Uncle Indy as a joke. Was this particular lapse of control an authorial shenanigan? Probably…

Though my words had been quiet, they made Robin freeze. She turned to stare at me, knuckles going white on the arms of her seat. "Your uncle… was an archaeologist?"

Well, he wasn't really my uncle, but my writer had a point. I'd been born with a fortunate name when it came to adventure and piracy; why not use it? "Yes. Uncle Indy was a history professor and an archaeologist with a habit of biting off more than he could chew and narrowly escaping from powerful men." At least I knew some stories I could tweak if she interrogated me on the spot about his explorations.

"Indy… I don't recall hearing of an archaeologist by that name."

"His full name was Jones Henry Junior, actually, although he preferred to go by Indiana. And I'm not surprised." Because he came from an entirely different fictional world. "The men from whom he liberated certain artifacts were very powerful, and they didn't like him very much."

"Are you implying that the World Government had your uncle erased from history?" Robin's full attention was back on me. With the lack of directions forthcoming, her turtle appeared to be falling asleep.

Johnny and Yosaku yelped. "They can't do something like that! Can they? But wait- isn't Big Sis from- oof!" Nami helpfully preserved my secret by smacking the hunters upside the head simultaneously.

"They can." Apple finished, I dug out the seeds before throwing the core away. Johnny and Yosaku paled. Robin nodded.

"A single man, an island, whole periods of history- nothing is safe from their reach. So… Your fishing for questions was meant to guide me to the day- the day your uncle's homeland was destroyed. Which means you know who I am, doesn't it?"

"I do."

Robin heaved a heavy sigh. "And what is it you want from me? To capture me and hand me over to the government after beating Crocodile, that your little captain might take his place among the Seven Warlords of the Sea?"

That earned an indignant yelp from said little captain. "Blech! No way! The pirate king is the freest on the seas- I can't be pirate king if I have to work with the snotty government! It'd be like being a marine!" He folded his arms and pouted. Adorable. Nami patted Luffy on the head.

"Don't worry, we all know you're a big, bad pirate captain who doesn't listen to anyone and isn't afraid of anything- except his grandfather."

Ruatha climbed onto my shoulder, sniffing in Robin's direction. I stroked him as I shook my head in response to the archaeologist's words. "No, nothing like that, even if the captain would let me. Like I said before, you need to relearn faith in others and yourself. What I want from you, if you must understand it that way, is for you not to give up. Alabasta isn't your last hope."

Deep blue eyes went wide before narrowing to slits. A pair of hands bloomed on my shoulders, threatening, though they took no actions as of yet. "How- how did you know about that? I've never told anyone-!"

"I told you, magic." As confident as I was in my ability to escape chokeholds under normal circumstances, I wasn't sure how I'd manage if Robin decided to try something. The inability to directly attack her body could be troublesome.

"And I told you, magic doesn't exist."

"Just believe already, Muggle." And that is how you get an archaeologist/assassin to try and strangle you. Fingers closed over my windpipe; after a second of choking and flailing, it occurred to me to jab my thumbs into pressure points on her forearms. This caused the arms sprouting from my shoulders to disappear as Robin winced. I reached a finger under my bandanna to rub my bruised neck.

"My apologies; I don't know what came over me." Yeah, no, not sincere at all. The entire crew was hostile now; Ghin had actually pulled out his pistols, something he hadn't done since purchasing them in Loguetown. On the other end of the spectrum, Sanji was torn. A girl versus girl dilemma must be almost enough to break his brain.

"You don't mean that, but that's okay. I forgive you anyway. After all, you're hardly the first to want to strangle me." I shot Vivi a significant look. The princess froze and sputtered, unhappy to learn she and Miss All Sunday had anything in common.

"Look, I know you think the- the one in Alabasta is your best bet." I avoided mentioning poneglyphs by name so as not to arouse uncomfortable questions from Jack and Mairead. "It's worth checking out, don't get me wrong, but it's not the one you're looking for. That one's much more well hidden- and aside from that, I know the locations of six others. But I can't read them. Uncle Indy never taught me. The archaeologists' dream rests on you."

Robin stared at me long and hard. "I'll admit it- you know a lot more than you should. And I appreciate that you're at least attempting to be delicate about things, even if it's about as effective as attempting subtlety with a sledgehammer. But I hope you'll forgive me for not believing you. Not only are you making claims for something that cannot exist, but trust is something that doesn't come easy after the life I've lived."

"As long as you're not gonna continue trying to kill me, I can live with that."

"Even that is a promise I won't make. Knowledge is power and what you know can hurt a lot more than just you, as I learned long ago. But for now, I think I'll reserve judgement."

Proving her words an immediate lie, Robin threw something at my head. Probably wanted to make a point about how people can't be trusted. Don't worry Robin, I learned that years ago too. The difference is that now I know some who can. The thrown object glinted in the dim light, metallic and sharp. A knife. Never saw Robin use throwing knives in canon, but it made some kind of sense. There had to be situations where the Flower-Flower Fruit wasn't ideal for assassination. I flicked up a sai to deflect the knife, sending it clattering across the deck.

A single black eyebrow rose over a gaze full of appraisal. "For someone who works with words, you're not a bad hand with a weapon. Not just a scribe or a diplomat then- but I suppose I shouldn't expect anything less on a pirate ship."

I grinned broadly. "The pen may be mightier than the sword, but I prefer to have both on hand."

That actually got a laugh- and not one of the condescending chuckles that had been interspersed throughout Robin's earlier dialogue. "Dereshishishi!" I think it startled her as much as it did me, since she immediately clapped a hand over her mouth with a frown. Both the laughter and the ability to startle Robin counted as a victory in my books.

The archaeologist collected her thoughts quickly. "Oh, the little redhead was right; you really aren't the usual brand of pirates. I- it's been a long time since I've been able to laugh like that."

"Come by any time for a repeat performance." I bowed. "If I can't do it through wordplay, we have daily pranks from Johnny and Yosaku; the slapstick comedy of Zoro, Sanji, and Ghin vying to see who can give the others the most brain damage; and Luffy just being himself."

Silence fell, punctuated by the rubbery squeak of Luffy picking his nose. The captain paused, looked at me, and decided that whatever I'd meant by that wasn't worth asking me about and flicking boogers at Usopp was a better use of his time. Not that the gunner noticed, what with his attention being torn between his own shaking knees and an internal debate over whether he should fire a rotten egg at Robin or not. Or at least, that's what it looked like he was thinking about.

Robin's frown changed to a small smile- less devious than her previous ones- as she looked over the Going Merry one last time. "You know, little witch… You may be right. Sitting back and watching you work might be amusing. Especially since you claim to have some information I might want. I suppose I'd best keep an eye on you to find out if it's true."

Oh, for the love of… "I may be short, but don't call me little! I'm only four years younger than you!" Picking up Robin's knife, I tossed it back. It lodged in the brim of her turtle's cowboy hat.

There was no reply as Robin's turtle swam away- well, other than the lap of waves and an echo of laughter coming across the water. "Dereshishishi!"

I sighed and leaned forwards onto the rail. Well, that had gone better than I expected. Only one and a half attempts at murdering me, and I'd managed to make her laugh. I already had a better relationship with Robin than I did with Vivi, and she wasn't even on the crew yet. Although that might make things awkward later… Eh. I'd worry about that if anything came of it. Building an early friendship with Robin wasn't dangerous or anything- probably not, anyway.

It was funny; the more practice I got at this talking to people stuff, the easier it was coming. Even though I'd felt shaky when I started, I'd been able to get through my conversation with Robin without issues. That was nice. Maybe I'd even be able to look people in the eye properly one day. I hadn't thought about it at the time- too focused on the image I was projecting with my words and actions- but between the height difference and my eye contact issue, I'd been staring at Robin's chest the whole time. My face lit up red as I realized this; I banged my head against the rail.

"Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!"

"Um… Big Sis? You alright?" Johnny approached me cautiously, as one might approach a stray dog. His caution was not unfounded; as soon as he was in range, I slammed my fist into his stomach, releasing a pulse of force.

"I'm fine." My nausea was gone now, which was nice. The blue hunter wheezed as he was thrown backwards, making me feel bad for punching him. I pulled my hat down over my eyes. "Sorry Johnny."

"It's okay Big Sis. I'm good. Big Bro Zoro does worse when he makes us train with him." So saying, the blue hunter got to his feet and headed off to talk to Yosaku. Merde. Even if he said it was okay, I'd upset him, hadn't I?

Johnny was right; I still wasn't myself. I needed a good, long sleep. It was- quite frankly- amazing that I'd managed to get through talking to Robin without more yawning, hallucinating, and passing out. Wasn't sure if that was luck or a Deus ex Machina. Either way, it was time for bed. I rubbed Ruatha's head as I made my way back down to the hold. Much to my surprise, Carue followed.

"What're you doing?"

"Quack! Quack, quack, quack, quack." Okay, One Piece world or not, I had a serious problem with a duck being able to climb a ladder. Especially when said duck was the size of a small horse. He had no thumbs! I rounded on the duck as soon as we reached level flooring.

"Look, I don't understand what you're trying to do here, but how in the Nine bloody Hells can you do that? You don't have thumbs or claws!" Of course, as soon as I spoke, it occurred to me that Carue was joining me in the hold because Vivi had ordered him to spy on me. Or maybe Nami refused to let him in the girls' cabin.

"Quack…" My shout set Carue to cowering behind a barrel.

I sighed. "Fine, fine, I'm sorry. Maudit, you'd think I'd be used to this stuff already, but no, the weirdness keeps finding new ways to amaze. Just… You better not be following me on orders from your princess or anything."

Carue shook his head vigorously; couldn't tell if he was lying or not, unfortunately. I sighed again and turned away. His cowering did remind me though- just because I thought we'd avoided Mr Five and Miss Valentine was no reason to get cocky. And since this sort of thing wasn't my specialty… "JOHNNY! YOSAKU! GET YOUR BUTTS DOWN HERE! I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING!"

Crashing and thudding announced the approach of the hunters overhead. They flung open the hatch and tried to shove their way through at the same time, only to tumble comically to the floor. They sat up with identical groans. "What's the matter Big Sis? Where's the fire?"

"There isn't one, yet. That said, you guys need to check all the supplies for bombs and traps and stuff."

The hunters looked at each other in confusion. "Okay Big Sis. But… Why?"

"Because in the story some idiots put explosives in one of our rum barrels, and while I haven't seen said idiots, that doesn't mean- yaaaaaaah- doesn't mean there's nothing to worry about. And you know more about traps than I do."

Shrugging, the pair got to work. I tried to watch and learn how they checked for traps, but I was still too tired. My eyelids drooped closed as I sank to the floor; I leaned back against something soft. An indeterminate period of time later, I heard Johnny and Yosaku speaking above me. At that point, though, I was already three-quarters of the way to dreamland, unable to even open my eyes.

"Nothing. Do you think Big Sis is just being paranoid?"

"Hard to tell." Yosaku paused for a beat. "Think we should wake her up? A duck doesn't make a good bed."

"Nah, she'll be fine." Johnny's voice trailed off into darkness as sleep- blessed sleep- finally wrapped around me.

*Awaits stoning for that cliff-hanger/red herring hybrid between the last actual plot chapter and this one*