Finally updating! Things have been busy and I've had a little bit of writer's block along the way, but I'm back now. Expect more updates for this story and my other stories in the near future! Enjoy!
Chapter 37
I came so close to crossing the line. Whenever I think back to the night of the two of us standing in the dark hallway, I can't help but feel the guilt of reacting to his kiss. I'm with Gale…I have been for a while now. I avoid the square at all costs to keep my mind away from Merrick. Unfortunately, it can't always be avoided.
I sit on the fountain in the middle of the square next to Gale with a small bag of game between us. We wait for the shops to close so that we can make our trades in private. The crowds have thinned by now, leaving only the people shackled to the stalks and the Peacekeepers that guard them. One of them happens to be Merrick. I watch his interactions with the prisoners, slipping them bites food from his pocket when the other guards aren't looking. It may not be much but it's what he can do to help. He whispers words to them and bring a few to smile. My heart warms with his kindness and the reminder that's he's the same Merrick that I met as a little girl.
I'm taken by surprise when he turns in my direction and gives a shy smile. I let out a gasp and I feel the blood rush to my cheek. In the process, I feel the warmth beside me fade and I look to find Gale no longer by my side. He's headed toward the Seam. I stand, grab the bag, and take long strides to meet him.
"Gale, where are you going?" I ask at the start of the Seam.
"I'm not blind Katniss." he says turning towards me. His eyes had already misted over.
"What are you talking about?" I further inquire.
"I'm sick of competing with him."
"There's no competition." I huff in frustration.
"Then why do I feel like I'm losing you?"
"It's in your head."
"I see the way you look at him, Katniss." he says in despair. "I don't think you even realize you're doing it." I'm silent. There is no way to defend myself. I'd be lying if I said there weren't any feeling there for Merrick. "This isn't worth it." he grumbles.
"You mean I'm not worth it." I bitterly reply.
"We all make mistakes."
"So now I'm just a mistake." I croak, my eyes glazing over.
"If you weren't so adamant…"
"What?" I cut him off.
"You threw yourself at me that day in the forest." he says. Before I know it my hand makes contact with his face.
"You wanted it too." I rebut.
"And I left it alone just like I always had."
"And you think that's a good thing?"
"It's a whole lot better than this."
"Says who?"
"You are going to get exactly what you've wanted."
"What's that?"
"Him!" he exclaims. "And he's here for good, just like you always wanted him to be. No more leaving. No more crying to me about him. He's yours." he sputters before walking away. I'm too stunned by his words to follow him. Instead, I stand there as sadness fills me. All I can think about is how it's over with Gale. The tears free themselves and I wipe them away as I start to my house. I trudge along, my footsteps as heavy as my heart is. I didn't want to hurt him and I never thought that he could ever hurt me. As soon as I am inside, I ascend the staircase to my room and lock the door. I rip off my outer layers and sink between my sheets, burying my head in my pillow so my cries won't be heard by a soul.
I don't get out of bed until the next afternoon. My eyes are swollen and squint from the light filtering into my room. I stumble into the bathroom and enter the shower. The flowing water provokes tears and soon the two mix as they trail down my body. The water clicks off and I exit to my room where I dress myself. I sit in the window and try to think about where it went wrong and what I could have done to prevent this. We were perfect for each other…everyone thought so. It was the argument Gale used all those times he tried to win my affection. Does he still feel that way or have his thoughts changed? Does he really not love me or is hiding his love for me? He looked pretty upset at our last exchange. Maybe he didn't want to let go.
I wait until evening to go see him, when I know he'll be home from work. I need to know if he really meant what he said. I make my way to the Seam, bundled up in my warmest clothes. The sun has set in the sky and in a few minutes, there will be nothing left but the dark. I approach his house and knock on the door. I'm met by his mother.
"Katniss." she says with a warm smile.
"I'm here to see Gale." I quietly say trying to keep my mouth from turning downwards.
"He's resting before dinner. Come inside and I'll get him." I do as she says and stand by the door as I wait for him. He approaches me, his eyes droopy with a frown on his face. He throws on a coat and stuffs his feet into his boots before leading me outside.
"Why are you here Katniss?" he asks.
"To talk about yesterday."
"What about it?"
"I wanted to see where we stood."
"I told you. It's over." he mutters.
"Because you want it to be?" I question him.
"With him here…" he starts but then stops himself from continuing. I close the distance between us, my hands sliding from his sides to his back. He doesn't prevent me from resting my cheek against his chest. I feel his chin rest on top of my head and one of his hands on the small of my back. Within a few seconds, I feel his muscles contract and hear his breath hitch.
"Katniss, we can't." he says, letting his hand fall.
"You're serious about this." I say as he backs away from me.
"I have to go." he says before rushing inside.
I'm left alone in the cold, dark night. I walk back through the Seam and come across the tree I used to spend my time at. I approach it and reach for the lowest branch before hoisting myself up. I climb to the one of the highest limbs and rest on the branch, looking out at the shadows of the treetops. As time passes the wind picks up, rocking me side to side. I begin to descend, thinking it best to get home. When I get near the bottom, I see a figure resting at the bottom. A tuft of blonde hair sticking out from beneath his hat reveals that it's Merrick. I exhale slowly knowing that I'm trapped. There is no way to avoid him.
"Are you following me?" I shout down to him, making him jump. His reaction causes me to smirk.
"No." he says before swiftly climbing up the branch I'm on. "Last time I checked, your initials weren't the only ones on this tree."
"Well Peacekeepers don't usually make it to the Seam…unless to cause trouble." I say, biting back. His features wilt, indicating I succeeded in hitting his soft spot.
"When did I lose your respect?" he mutters, his eyes connecting with mine. "Did I do something or was it just me showing up with the uniform on?" I don't have an answer so I remain silent. "Or has your boyfriend been feeding you stories."
"I don't have a boyfriend…anymore."
"You don't?" he says in disbelief, edging closer to me.
"No." I say, jumping to the ground before he can ask anything else. I start for home and feel a few tears falling from my eyes. I hear his steps behind me and I know I'm not in the clear yet.
"Katniss, wait." he breathes as his hand wraps around my arm. I stop and he releases me. "Can we talk about this?"
"What else is there to say?" I ask.
"When did it happen?"
"Yesterday?"
"Was it you or him?" he further presses.
"Merrick." I sigh. My non-answer is enough for him to know. He approaches me and takes me into his arms. I can no longer hold anything in. The tears flow and my breaths flutter through the pain.
"He's a fool." he says, holding me tight. I want to tell him that it's his fault Gale dumped me. He was insecure with him around. I bite my tongue though.
"I want to go home." I respond, pulling away from him.
"I'll walk you." he says. I start walking and he keeps in step with me. I think about Gale and how he would still be with me if Merrick had not returned. He hates him. He can't separate Merrick from what Thread did to him. Maybe he thought Merrick might do the same someday.
"Would you ever hurt me?" I ask, breaking the silence.
"What!?" he exclaims with surprise.
"If they made you hurt me, would you do it?"
"You know I couldn't."
"But what if they made you?"
"Why would they make me hurt you?" he questions back, a little more forceful.
"One day you could rise in the ranks…and I could mess up. I've already had some close calls."
"I'd rather them hurt me than ever cause you harm." he says. To an onlooker his comment might seem naïve but I know that it's just his goodhearted nature. Part of me believes he would endure anything to keep me safe.
"Ok." I respond, closing the matter. I am quiet the rest of the way home, walking to back of me house. My heart beats faster and faster as we near my back porch, nervous for what will happen after those final footsteps. Last time he was here, he kissed me. Will he try it again now that he knows I'm available? I move at a snail's pace, as if that would help me to avoid a goodbye.
"You ok?" he asks when he notices me falling slightly behind.
"I'm—I'm fine." I reply, taking longer strides to catch up with him. Before I know it, I've taken that dreaded last step. He turns toward me and closes the distance between us.
"Can I come inside?" he whispers.
"Why?" I ask confused.
"To keep you company."
"I'm probably just going to go to bed. It's late."
"Yes…of course." he abashedly responds. "What about another time…we could hang out…talk."
"Yes." I simply say.
"Tomorrow? I get off work around 10."
"Ok." I say before thinking.
"I'll meet you here." he says before making his exit. I open the door and proceed to my room, feeling weary. I'm alone, a dangerous feeling to have. I crawl back into my bed and rest the side of my face on his pillow. It still smells like him. My eyes tear up and I know I miss him, the boy from the woods.
I reluctantly wait for Merrick on the back porch as 10pm approaches, my eyes raw from all the crying. Last night brought me little repose as nightmare after nightmare played in my head. In each one Gale hurt me in different ways. Before I can recount the ways, I see Merrick dashing up my back lawn. He wears an eager smile and his eyes are sparkling until he gets close and can get a good look at me. A concerned expression replaces his former sentiment.
"Don't look at me like that." I mutter as he sits next to me.
"You look a mess."
"Yeah." I respond, looking at my lap.
"Come on." he says, taking my hand.
"Where?" I whisper as he helps me up.
"It's a surprise." he replies with a smile now back on his face. I don't fight him and decide to go along with it. We walk past my property, down a path towards Peacekeeper's Village. I don't question him. I just move my feet and follow him. We eventually settle in the back yard of the second house he lived in. I spent a lot of time here, outside in the tent and inside on the occasions he snuck me to his room.
"Why are we here?" I flatly ask.
"To reminisce."
"Why?" I ask again.
"We were happy here." he whispers in my ear. He takes my hand and pulls me closer to the house.
"No." I warn him, digging my feet into the ground.
"It's ok. No one lives here." he says with a laugh. I stop resisting and he leads me to the back door.
"What are we doing?"
"Let's see if it's how we left it." he says with a smirk, pulling a key out his pocket.
"No." I nervously.
"What are you, scared?" he asks. I'm silent. "It will be fine." He turns the lock and pulls me inside. I can see into the hall, the furniture covered with cloths. It's dark and quiet and unsettling. I have a bad feeling about this.
"We should go." I say, heading towards the back door.
"No, not yet." he says grabbing onto me.
"Merrick, I want to go home."
"Not yet." he says persistently, causing me more alarm. He's never been like this before and I think he might really be the enemy.
"It's a trap." I shriek, my legs giving out as I crumble to the floor. He is immediately by my side. His face softens and I don't know what to believe.
"What's a trap?" he asks.
"Who else is here? Please just tell me." I say with tears in my eyes.
"Just us."
"Who?" I beg, trembling.
"Only us. Please, Katniss, trust me. It's me."
"I don't know." I blankly reply.
"Then go." he says, standing up. I peel myself off the ground. My eyes meet his before I make my way to the back door. I hear his footsteps lead him in the opposite direction. I exit to the house and it's not until I'm halfway across the yard that my mind pieces together my allegation. I accused the only person that has consistently been on my side of betraying me. I chalk it up to old stories and the paranoia that follows victors of the Games, but that still doesn't make it right.
I turn around and head back to the house, hoping he's still there. I breeze through the hallway to the staircase and quickly climb it. I hear a commotion from his room and hurriedly turn the door handle. When I am inside, I see him trashing his former room. Furniture is tilted out of place and books are on the floor. It looks like he has no intention of stopping until the bookcases are cleared.
"Stop!" I say as I carefully make my way to him. "Merrick what are you doing!" I cry.
"I think it's pretty self-explanatory!" he barks at me as he stops his destruction. "I'm angry."
"I didn't think you had that in you." I comment as I survey the damage. In the corner is a small tent made from white sheets that managed to survive the attack. He remains quiet. "I'm sorry." I apologize as I pick up some books and begin to repopulate the shelves. He's remains quiet, organizing the books I have already shelved. I then begin to place the books on the counter below the shelves, letting him put them back in their respective places. When we finish, I go to the tent and crawl inside, resting my head on the pillow. He joins me, staying on his side of the tent.
"This was the surprise." I quietly respond.
"Yes." he says. I know I have an explanation to offer for my reaction downstairs.
"There's a story they tell us when we are young." I say before taking a long pause. " I don't know if it's real…if it really happened. I think it's mainly to warn us what could happen…" I trail off. His silence tells me he wants to know more. I start the story of Vashta, the Seam girl that who fell for a young Peacekeeper. The more familiar they became with one another, the more she let him into her life, telling little secrets, like how she liked to sneak into the woods. He asked her seemingly innocent questions like how she got past the fence and how often she went there. Later, he asked her to take him there, only they weren't alone. He led her right into a trap where other Peacekeepers were waiting for her. She was never seen again.
"You've never told me that story before." he says.
"I didn't think about it before tonight."
"And you think I would do that to you…after everything we've been through." he asks, hurt.
"Things change…people change." I say sitting up. He follows my lead.
"There is nothing in this world, nothing that you could ever do that would make me do that to you."
"You didn't seem yourself downstairs."
"How?"
"When I wanted to leave, you were pretty persistent." I say.
"I put a lot of work into this…and I wanted to cheer you up. You're my best friend, Katniss." he says taking my hand.
"Friend?" I question him.
"Yes, first and foremost. And I'm not going to push you into anything you don't want. I mean that."
"Before you said you weren't giving up without a fight."
"Things are different now."
"Can we get some sleep?" I change the subject as I lower myself to the pillow next to me. He nods and uses a blanket in the corner of the tent to cover me before resting beside me, careful to keep a couple of inches of space between us. His eyes gaze at me and it isn't long before my eyes tear up and I sniffle.
"Katniss." he whispers, putting his arm around me.
"I didn't think it would hurt this much. I never imagined this happening." I say with my eyes closed.
"Me either." he responds.
"I thought he loved me." I whimper. He's silent, probably unable to come up with anything to say. I wouldn't know what to say in this situation either.
"Do you remember that song you'd sing for me…the valley one?" he murmurs. I nod. I've been singing that song since I was a little girl. "Do you think you could sing it for me?"
"Ok." I say before gently singing the first line. He listens the first time around and then joins in with me on the second time. I keep my eyes closed as we softly sing together as he strokes my hair. I sing along with him until I become drowsy. He finishes the song and then gives my forehead a kiss before I manage to drift off into slumber.
"Katniss, wake up." I hear Merrick whisper. I open my eyes and it's still dark out, too early to be awake.
"Was it a nightmare?" I ask with worry.
"No. I thought it would be best to leave before the neighbors wake." he says. I don't want to go yet. I feel comfortable here.
"Not yet." I say, placing my hand on his chest, as if to prevent him from moving. His hand covers mine and I can feel its warmth. His chest rises and falls as he takes a deep breath.
"It's not safe here Katniss." he murmurs.
"That hasn't stopped you before."
"I was a child then."
"And you've changed so much." I sarcastically add. He gives me a sideways glance and I know he's taken it the wrong way. "You're still sneaking me into places I shouldn't be."
"There aren't many places we can be together." he says lacing his fingers between mine. I feel my heart skip.
"It might do me some good to be seen with Peacekeepers. Get the Capitol off my back." I joke. I can tell by his expression that he doesn't think it's funny.
"They're watching you?"
"I'm sure they keep tabs. I belong to them now."
"What do they make you do?" he asks with fire in his eyes.
"I'll have to be a mentor until we have two more victors from our district…or until I die, whichever comes first." My latest comment hurts him more.
"I don't want to think about it…you dying."
"It could happen. One wrong move—"
"—Enough." he cuts me off, his eyes shut tight. There's quiet in the air. "If that happens, I will have failed you." he says, peering into my eyes.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I came back here to protect you…to keep you as safe as I can."
"Merrick, you can't always protect me."
"I know, but I can try."
"Then we should get back." I say taking his advice. I help him out of the fort, assist him in dissembling it before head back towards home.
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