(* A NOTE TO MY READERS – This story was originally meant to be a quick reflection. However, when the idea for an eventual ending came to me, I knew I was in it for the long haul, with the possibility of adapting this into an original manuscript, with original characters. That being said, because this has become a long term fan fic, I would like to be sensitive to the fact that it's based off of an actual person and not a fictional character. I WILL be continuing this with Bo, but out of respect, I will be replacing the names of his surrounding family with alternate names. You will see this beginning in the next chapter but I will try to blend it as seamlessly as I can. Thank you so much. Enjoy! ) xoxo-Lexi
GUEST HOUSE 2020 – 1st Night
The decision to stay in L.A wasn't my choice. The newly established regulations put a two week pause on any international flights. The decision to stay with HIM in L.A…well...that's on me. I'm now feeling the weight of that decision, standing in the kitchen area, tucked in a small alcove in the back of the guesthouse.
"Nice collection," I say with a grin, watching Bo fumble through a series of mismatched glasses in the cabinet.
"These—Sidney, were deemed unworthy to sit amongst the purposefully chosen glassware," he began, opening another cabinet door, shuffling through more cups and glasses. "But, a while back I was at the Saturday market in Portland and I came across the single best handmade art pieces I've ever seen. I planned on sending these to your mom so she could give them to you and Morgan for Christmas."
He pulls something out and turns to me. In each of his hands he's holding the most hideously grotesque, pottery coffee mugs. Somehow in the lumpy, misshapen mess, I recognize the two characters, Red and Wembley from the 1987 version of Fraggle rock, which was an addiction for Morgan and I when we were kids.
My hand raises to my mouth in a mix of shock horror and amazement, "They—they are—"
Bo's mouth twitches, trying everything in his power not to laugh. "I paid the guy double the asking price because he deserved it."
It's at this point, I lose it, in a fit of laughter that erupts so violently I wrap my arms around my stomach. Bo holds out for only a moment longer and then he lowers his head, shoulders shaking as he laughs.
"They are – so -perfect," I say between gasps.
"I don't know if his original intentions were to create these characters- It may have been a mistake, but the resemblance is uncanny," Bo says, leaning back on the counter, tilting his head back on the cabinet as he laughs harder.
After a while we finally get ahold of ourselves and wipe the tears away. We use the lumpy Fraggles to make a drink with a ridiculously expensive bottle of single barrel whiskey that Bo was saving for the day he was done with production. I asked him not to open it, especially to use in the mugs, but he insisted.
"Here's to shaking some shit up," I say, raising Red.
"And to never fading away," he countered, raising Wembley.
SUMMER BEFORE SENIOR YEAR – 2007
I heard the hum of Morgan's car as she pulled into the driveway. I laid on the couch, my face buried in a tear stained pillow. I suddenly felt guilty for calling her, pulling her away from her life on the eve of her last year in college. My dad was away on a business trip in Atlanta and my mother was at an art convention, showcasing her latest illustrated artwork. But even if they had been home, I needed my big sister.
"Sid?" I heard her drop her car keys on the kitchen counter.
"In here," I called, sitting up on the couch.
She came into the living room, noticing immediately my red teary eyes. "Oh no—what happened?" Her pace quickened, rounding the couch and sitting on the floor in front of me. I sniffled for a few quiet moments, taking in her dark, cascading hair over the fabric of her aquamarine tank top, her doe eyes, watching me in concern.
"He's got a girlfriend," I managed to squeak out before another round of tears began.
"Awww, Sidney," she moved from the floor to the edge of the couch, pulling me into a hug.
"I hate this feeling," I sobbed. Her arms eventually fell away and she leaned back to look at me.
"Sidney, just tell him how you feel. He would never hurt you on purpose. Just be honest with him."
I shook my head and looked down, running my fingers over the little unicorns on my pajama pants. "I can't. He can do what he wants. It's not his fault that I feel like this."
"But he doesn't know you feel like this," She said, brushing my hair away from my face.
"He's my best friend. It would just ruin everything," I let my face fall into my hands and sob.
My mind drifts back to that night, nearly three years ago, when he kissed me and I still feel it so vividly, it's as if it happened only a moment ago.
POOL HOUSE – FALL 2004
Bo sank into a quiet sleep, his head tucked into the curve between my shoulder and neck. I laid there, watching the light from the tv flicker on the ceiling, taking in the feeling of his soft hair against my skin. Everything that just happened played on repeat in my mind in little flashes, like a broken movie reel. I could still feel his lips brush across mine, his body over me, his hand moving across my skin. But there was something there, right before he drifted to sleep that lingers the most. It was when the violet light of dawn filtered into the room, pouring into the blue of his eyes, causing them to appear almost illuminated as he looked at me in a sort of wonder, like he was seeing me for the first time.
Until that night, I had never been kissed and I laid there trying to wrap my mind around it being HIM that changed that. My best friend. The boy I helped wrangle in his first set of contacts. The boy I spent an afternoon gluing googly eyes onto popsicle sticks so we could make a movie with his dads new video camera. The boy that high fived me on a regular basis. My—first kiss.
The next morning I awoke to the feeling of Bo stirring next to me. My head was pounding, the rum, back for revenge.
"Ugh—Sid, I'm going to die," Bo groaned. He turned onto his back and pressed his hands against his eyes.
"Me too," I said softly, trying not to anger my headache further. His hands fell from his face and to the floor and I watched him gaze quietly up at the ceiling.
"Sidney?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you mad at me?"
His question caught me off guard. "What? No, why would I be mad?"
"Because I kissed you," he said. Butterflies returned.
"No—I mean, I kissed you back," I said.
He turned onto his side, facing me. He looked at me for only a second before he cupped his hand shyly over his eyes, a smile spreading lightly across his face. I smiled, watching him squirm adorably for a moment, but then I reached up, pulling his hand from his eyes, revealing their gentle blue. His smile faded, only a little and his eyes settled on mine.
"I'm glad you aren't mad," he said softly. "Because I'm not sorry." He reached out, brushing my hair off of my face, tucking it behind my ear. His eyes lowered from mine and to my lips and once again he kissed me. Softly, slowly. I felt like I was in free fall. The dreamlike haze that blanketed the sun filled room was suddenly shaken back to reality when the sound of pounding on the French doors, erupted into the silence. Bo pulled back and we exchanged a questioning look. Another round of pounding sounded throughout the pool house and then I heard my sisters voice.
"Guys! Are you in there?" We both jumped up and Bo crossed the floor and opened the door.
Morgan glanced between Bo and I for a second before she spoke. "I'm sorry to wake you guys. It's Samm," she said to Bo. "She's upset. She wants you at the house."
We followed Morgan into the cold, Sunday morning. Morgan headed into the living room but Bo and I were stopped in our tracks when we saw the state of the house, post party. Plastic cups, beer cans, and other miscellaneous trash littered virtually every surface. Not a soul was around, the house was silent, until we heard the sound of distant crying from upstairs. Morgan returned from the living room looking confused but her eyes followed the sound up the staircase.
"I guess she's in her room?" Morgan said. Bo quickly lead the way upstairs, Morgan and I followed close behind. We got to the landing just as Samm appeared from the hallway bathroom with a tissue in her hand, her blue eyes puffy and swollen. She saw Bo and collapsed into him, sobbing into his chest.
"Sammy, what's wrong?" He said, his arms wrapped tightly around her small frame. She looked up at him and attempted to speak but instead she burst into another fit of tears. "Where's my brother?" He said, glancing worriedly over at Morgan.
Morgan shrugged, "He left with some girl, late last night."
"Okay," he said, looking relieved. I realized he was afraid something had happened to Pete. "Come on, Sammy." He began guiding her into his room. "Morgan," Bo called over his shoulder, "grab that stuffed monkey off of Samm's bed." Samm jumped up on his bed, sitting on the edge. Bo sat down next to her, rubbing circles on her back. Morgan returned to the room with a stuffed sock monkey and Samm took it into her arms.
"You have to talk to me, Samm. What's going on?" Bo urged.
"It's Charlie," she cried. "He slept with someone last night."
Bo's face turned to stone. "Are you serious?"
Morgan and I exchanged a shocked glance. Samm had been dating Charlie since before I moved to Danvers. He was practically apart of the family.
"He called me this morning and told me," she leaned into Bo and sobbed. He rubbed her shoulder and we all looked at each other for a moment, not sure what to do.
"Do you want me to have him killed?" Bo asked in that classic, dark humored Bo, way.
"No, Bo—I'm not going to have you hire a hitman," she said, frustrated.
"Okay, I'll do it myself-D.I.Y is all the rage now."
Somehow, even while devastated he managed to make her laugh, at least a little. "I just can't believe he did this to me," she said. "I leave town for one night and he fucks some random girl."
"He had to feel pretty bad if he immediately told you, not that, that excuses it or anything," Morgan said.
"He was my best friend, before we even started dating and he still is- or was—Now it's destroyed. It'll never be the same," she broke down, once more leaning into Bo. Her words struck me deep down. It obviously did the same to Bo because he lifted his eyes from the floor to mine and they were impossibly heavy with sadness.
Soon after that, Morgan, Bo and I spent half the day cleaning up the mess in the house while Samm got some sleep after relocating to her bed. Pete finally returned home about the time we were done and got a nasty little chewing out from Morgan. She left right after and I began to follow her out so I could go shower and change out of my clothes.
"Sid," Bo called, from the bottom of the stair case. I looked back and he nodded his head towards the stairs. I followed him up to his room with a heaviness weighing me down. I already knew what was happening. I knew it was coming from the moment Samm said those words. Now it's destroyed. It'll never be the same.
He shut the door behind me and I just stood there, looking down at my feet. "Sid," I heard Bo say.
"I know," I said, refusing to look at him.
"I wouldn't be able to handle it if something came between us. The possibility didn't even cross my mind before I—"
Before you kissed me? Looked at me like you did? Put your hands on my body?
"I get it, Bo. I do," I said, feeling a horrible pain beginning to swell inside of me.
"Hey," he reached out, tipping my chin up to face him. His expression was so pitiful it hurt to look at. "I'm afraid to go down this path, Sid. I say we stop now before we get in too deep. But that's only if you agree," he said.
That, is when I looked him straight in the eyes and lied to his face. "I agree," I nodded to make it more convincing.
I cried myself to sleep that night. It meant a lot that Bo wanted to protect our friendship but I was now harboring my first secret from him. His effort was totally in vain. Because for me, it was already too late. He pulled my heart right out of my chest, inscribed his name right into it and then returned it to fend for itself. I re-watched Romeo + Juliet that night, laying in bed, through a rippled and warped layer of tears and at the end, I mouthed the words along with Leo; And so with a kiss, I die.
And so that's how it went through our Sophomore and Junior year. We still hung out every single day, still going on about things as we had. Bo worked on his songs and I dived into writing more than I ever had. We pretty much went back to normal, other than the fact that I spent a lot of time being internally miserable around him. From time to time, silence would fall around us and we would quickly pick up the conversation again. Sometimes our eyes would linger on each other for a little too long. But we added a lot more distraction to our routine.
I was okay, not good, but okay. I was handling it, although it was by a very weak thread that I held on. It didn't help that through the years, Bo had grown into an impossibly gorgeous guy. I had a hard time not staring at him like a kid seeing a sparkler for the first time. He was growing up, and he was beautiful. But it was that very thing that sparked the beginning of the nightmare and the further fraying of the shitty little thread that I held onto. I wasn't the only one that noticed the blossoming of the fresh faced, blue eyed, seventeen year old, Bo. In fact, I was just another face in the crowd. Girls approached him constantly and to my comfort, he didn't take much notice. Until…
SUMMER BEFORE SENIOR YEAR – 2007
"So he's been dating her for a couple of months?" Morgan asked, as I switched back and forth through sniffles and tears.
I nodded.
"He hasn't been ignoring you has he?"
"No, I wish he would! But, no," I replied.
Bo managed to seamlessly still keep me around all the time, even when I made excuses not to. But we still hung around each other constantly. The difference was, that now, I played a third wheel in a nightmarish hellscape with Bo, and a dark haired beauty named Leah. She wasn't fond of me. She hated that I was around, which added to the tension. Even more, she constantly gave Bo an ear full over the phone when she knew I was with him without her around. It was only in those times that my crumbling heart had a moment of happiness in the form of 'HA-HA, BITCH.'
But, the inevitable event finally happened which is the reason for the call I made to my sister. Yesterday I left Bo and Leah behind at his house and headed back over to mine for dinner. Since they were both leaving town the next morning, I chatted with my parents at the dining room table, trying to drown out the torture of knowing they were over there- together. I stood, taking my plate over to the sink when I looked out of the window in time to see Leah on the front porch with Bo. Standing on her tippy toes, she kissed him. I died.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not naïve in thinking that was the first time they kissed but I had managed to escape seeing it and knowing for sure, until then.
I cried it out a little longer, with Morgan's sweet little words of comfort being offered from time to time. Eventually she suggested taking a long, hot shower, which I immediately did.
I gave Bo some kind of excuse about homework that afternoon when he called to see where I was. It was the best I could come up with but even that was a weak excuse because normally we just did our homework at each other's house.
It wasn't until the following day that I headed over there, Bo said he had something to show me. I glanced through the window. His driveway was free of Leah's car, so I felt like I could handle it.
When I made my way upstairs to his room, Bo was sitting on his bed, with his lap top open in front of him. He glanced up with an expression like he just witnessed a ghost.
"What's—going on?" I asked.
He patted the bed and I jumped up and got settled next to him.
"Sid, you remember those videos I put online so I could show my aunt and uncle in Ohio?" He said, looking so closely in my eyes it made me look away.
"Yeah?"
"Check this out. I uploaded a new one today and that's when I noticed the numbers."
I studied the screen and immediately saw what he was so taken aback by. Thousands of views, likes and comments were packed under every video he had uploaded to date. The feedback was undeniable, they loved everything he had to offer and they wanted more.
I looked up at Bo, our eyes mirrored the same wide eyed shock. "Oh my god! Bo!"
He ran his hand through his hair and left it there for a moment. "I — cannot believe it."
"It's really not a huge shock that they love your stuff, Bo. But it's pretty fucking awesome to see it in front our eyes," I smile, looking back to the screen to avoid longer eye contact.
I notice him looking at me out of the corner of my eye. "So, what's been going on? I've been seeing less and less of you lately?" He finally asked.
I shrug. "Just busy, I guess."
"You don't like Leah," he said. It wasn't a question.
I look at him, feigning shock. "That's not— true. She's really cool," I said.
He huffs a small laugh, looking down with a smile. "You're such a bad liar." I look at him, trying to find the right thing to say but instead got distracted by how pretty he is, and it hurt. He sighed and returned his gaze up to me. "Are you okay with all this? Leah and – me?"
For some reason the question struck me with mild anger. I don't know why, but it just did. "Yes, Bo. I am perfectly fine with it," I snapped. "Is this because of you and I? -Because we kissed?"
His brows pulled together in an expression somewhere between confusion and hurt and he looked back down. "Yeah, I uh—I guess that's what I'm referring to."
I got off the bed and walked to the door, "It was JUST a kiss, Bo. Okay?"
He nodded, leaving his head down. "Got it, cool," he replied. I rolled my eyes and left. I felt horribly guilty for being such a bitch to him. I had no clue why I reacted that way. I decided to wait and see if it would breeze over, but if it didn't I'd have to find a way to apologize.
The next evening I headed out to the pool house to see if I could find my copy of Great Gatsby. I was sure I left it there a few weeks back. About the time I reached the door, I heard the obnoxious laugh of Leah from behind me. I turned, seeing her and Bo, approaching across the lawn and pondered if I could drown myself in the pool before they made it to me.
"Hey guys!" I tried to sound excited to see them but I think it came out as a weird shout.
Bo gave me a half wave, Leah purposely looked everywhere but me. "We're heading to the movies. Wanna come?" Bo asked, his voice sounded flat.
"Thanks, I would but I, um—" I panicked. I couldn't think of an excuse.
"I get it, it's fine," Bo said. I nodded. Leah slid her arms around his waist and gave me the most evil stare. Bo didn't notice it. "Okay, I guess we're going to head out," he said, his voice even more flat and lifeless than before, making me feel like he was definitely pissed at me about the night before. I gave him a small wave and watched them cross the yard and leave in Bo's car.
I didn't give a solid fuck about Gatsby anymore. I went back to my house, to my room and was so thankful that my parents were still out of town and that Morgan had left the day before. The house was quiet and I didn't have to pretend to be okay. I wasn't okay.
I changed out my jeans and t-shirt and traded it for a tank top and little jersey shorts. I settled on the bed, turned on reruns of The Office, played on my lap top and then flipped through a magazine. Trying everything I could to block out thoughts of Bo, on his date.
A while later, I heard the faint sound of footsteps on the staircase and I glanced up just as Bo appeared in my bedroom doorway. He crossed his arms over his sky blue t-shirt and leaned against the door frame.
"Hey," I said, surprised to see him there. "How was the movie?"
"It was good," he said quietly. He had a strange look on his face. Almost completely blank, but with a hint of sadness.
"Oh by the way, you have to see this," I said jumping off the bed and heading over to my desk in the corner. I opened my lap top, trying to power it on so I could show Bo the numbers on his videos; they were growing almost exponentially. I heard him walk in and sit down on the bed. I turned and looked at him. He sat on the edge of my bed, his elbows resting on his knees, fingers laced together as he looked down at the floor. I abandoned the idea of the laptop. Something was wrong.
"Bo, are you okay?" I took a few steps towards him.
"You were wrong," he said, not looking up.
"What?"
"You were wrong, about what you said last night," He a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
Is he nervous?
"Bo, look. I'm sorry about what I—"
"It wasn't JUST a kiss," he said, lifting his eyes to mine. "It was—" He pressed the bridge of his nose, his brows pulling together. He dropped his hands back to his lap and looked at me in a strange, desperate way.
"Bo, what's going on?"
"I didn't go to the movies tonight, Sidney."
"Okay-where did you go?" I ask, growing more and more confused.
"I just spent the last hour, breaking up with Leah in her driveway," he said. My jaw almost dropped but I tried to remain cool.
"What happened?" I asked. He gazed up at me for a few moments.
"You," he answered. His eyes were suddenly shining and I realized they were forming tears. I stood, frozen in place. I think I quit breathing. "I realized I was only with her because I was trying desperately—to distract myself—from wanting you," his voice shook on the last few words.
He ran his hand through his hair, exhaling once more. "I know we decided not to go down that path but—Sidney, I am crazy about you. And I'm so—fucking worn, from trying to pretend like I'm not," he pressed his lips together and closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them again. "I don't know if you feel the same for me and if you don't, it's okay. But I had to just say it, at least."
Before the last two words were out of his mouth I crossed the floor and jumped into his lap, crashing my mouth into his, grabbing fistfuls of the back of his hair. His arms wrapped tightly around my waist. This was different than our first kiss. There was a desperate intensity, a need for each other that moved our mouths, needing to feel, our tongues, needing to taste. I felt a moment of frustration, that even this close to each other, even wrapped in his arms, even feeling our mouths, seek each other out, deeper and deeper, that I would never feel close enough.
As if he shared the same thought, he moved his arms away, grabbing the bottom of my tank top and pulling it off, over my head. He grabbed my thighs and picked me up, as he stood. He turned, leaning over and letting me sink into the bed, on my back. He pulled his shirt off, his eyes sweeping heavily over me. He slid onto the bed over my body and gently cupped my face in his hands and our mouths melted into each other again. One of my hands dug into his hair and the other ran down his back. His lips moved from mine, brushing them lightly across my jaw. I felt like I was going to come apart at the seams, feeling his warm mouth move to my neck, his lips parting enough to run his tongue across my skin with each kiss. His hands began to explore, brushing his fingers across my ribs, up and up, they moved, until he ran the flat of his palm over my breast and I sighed.
He pulled back, his heavy eyes landing on mine. We shared a few, quiet, breathless moments just seeing each other. "Are you sure you want this?" He nearly whispered.
"Only if you do, too," I answered.
"I want everything with you, Sid."
My heart stammered and I grabbed the back of his hair, pushing his mouth back onto mine. Our hands were everywhere, our mouths were everywhere. That need grew, until it ached. I found my hands unfastening the button on his black denim pants and he slipped them off the rest of the way. My little black jersey shorts went next. His hand slid up my thigh and it reminded me of that fall several years ago. But this time it continued. I felt the smooth, airy fabric of my panties sliding across my skin, down my legs and gone. He ran his mouth across my collar bone and I felt him adjusting, until I heard the last sound of fabric hit the floor. Our mouths met again in a mindless meld and just as I felt like I couldn't take it anymore, he pushed into me and I nearly gasped. It hurt, in the best way.
He propped up on his forearms and pushed into me again, closing his eyes, and I was dismantled by the look of pained pleasure written on his face. From there our minds were no longer in control. It was just our bodies succumbing to nature. Moving perfectly together, faster and faster, the sheets taking on our fevered sweat. I felt it building inside and I was on the edge. He reached out, grabbing the top of my headboard and met me deeper with each push. Then when I felt him stall for a moment, the sweet sound of his moan meeting my ears; Over the edge,
I fell. It felt like my body, my mind and my soul came apart, atom by atom, dispersing out into the cosmos before returning, making me whole again.
GUEST HOUSE 2020 1st Night
After we finish our drink, I suggest to Bo, that maybe I could get the room a little more organized so we can start fresh tomorrow and meanwhile he could go grab a shower. I'm still concerned by the pure, worn in exhaustion on his face. I know a shower won't make that go away but I'm hoping a warm shower will help him get some solid sleep tonight.
He agrees but I can tell it's reluctant. The shower is in the main house, so I follow him through the maze as he heads to the door.
"Before you go, is there anything I shouldn't move or mess with?" I ask.
"Well considering you're roughly the size of a little elf princess, I don't think you're going to move much of anything."
"That's factual," I agree, "but I'm actually referring to the dirty clothes, the scattered pieces of paper , containing the scribblings of a mad man, the miscellaneous garbage. I could go on and on."
"Oh yeah, you can fix all that," he grins. I glance over to one of the various keyboards he has propped against the wall and notice something hanging off the side. I walk over and pick up what looks like a cluster of lights or scopes, attached to a band of some kind.
"The fuck is this?" I ask, holding it by the band, on the end of my finger. An amused smile play on his lips and he reaches out and takes it. He slips it over his head and pulls it back up where the cluster of lights sit slightly off center on his forehead, letting the locks of his hair fall over the band.
"My opening act," He grins. "There's a disco ball involved."
I feel my heart sink. I'm nearly two hours late checking in with Chris back in New York, and he's probably wondering what I'm doing. And if I was to answer him honestly, in this very moment, I would have to say, I'm standing in front of a man, wandering how he could possibly be this fucking adorable.
"I cannot tell you, how viciously intrigued I am to see what the hell you've thought up this time, Burnham," I say, reaching up and slipping the contraption from his head, sending his blonde hair, spilling back into his face. After he leaves to take his shower, I stand in the room, alone. I walk over the keyboard that he previously used to insult my boyfriend just earlier today, and I run my fingers across the smooth surface of the keys and smile to myself. I'm sure Bo doesn't know I recognized it immediately. The same keyboard that sat in his room for all those years. The same one I played the first night we met.
I feel my heart tug and out loud, I speak to an un-witnessing room.
"I—am FUCKED."