Chapter 2: The journey to and arrival in Conques
A few days went by, and by that time, Adam had sent them his reply as to what time frame would work. But afterwards, our heroes were in a bit of a rut, they had an even bigger problem they've been trying to figure out: How to get to Conques. But on the second day of their train of thought, they've reached an answer. Previously, Fiona had suggested taking a boat ride. But remembering how the last boat ride to and from Worcestershire on picking up Arthur went, everyone else declined. Shrek had suggested the onion carriage, but Puss reminded him it was currently being repaired. Eventually, the gang reached a dead end to finding solution to their problem.
"Well, unless anyone else has any other ideas how we get to Conques, I'm stumped," said Fiona.
A few minutes later, Shrek face-palmed himself and started to laugh, "Oy, how could we have been so stupid?"
Fiona looked up with hope, "You have a solution, Shrek?"
Nodding, Shrek answered, "Aye, and how, Fiona. I'm surprised we didn't think of it in the first place… we contact Fairy Godfather."
Falling over anime style, Donkey then anime pratfell over, picked himself up and said annoyance, "Well, I could've told you that, Shrek!"
"Well, why did you?" asked Shrek, Donkey didn't have a good answer. "That's what I thought."
Getting excited, Fiona said, "Now to summon him."
"Right." replied Shrek, before he struggled to remember something. "How do we contact him again?"
Smirking warmly, Fiona answered "Through those magical brass knuckles he gave you, of course, Shrek."
"Of course," Shrek answered.
With that in mind, Shrek then began to go through his vest pockets and looks for the magical brass knuckles. As he did so, he came across random items which weren't the magical brass knuckles, he responded in a different negative or different response.
First, he found a weed rat and tossed it, "Nope."
He then found a martini drink mixer. "No."
He then found a martini glass, which upon being tossed, a different cat other than Puss yowled off-screen.
"Nuh-uh."
Just as he found an onion, he quickly changed his mind. "N… Actually, I'll save this later for lunch." Shrek tossed the onion it and it landed in a cooking pot, to which Fiona and Puss raised two 10 score cards, Donkey raised a 6 score card. Annoyed, Puss hissed at Donkey, who then flipped the card around to show a 9.
Shrek then continued to toss various things various things out of his vest pockets, until, he founds the item he was looking for. On the magical brass knuckles, there is an inscription that read, "Happiness is an accidental punch away."
Applying the magical brass knuckles was a tight fit, but eventually, Shrek got it one of his fists.
"There we are… Now find a victim."
He looked a Fiona, No.
He then gazed upon Puss, Definitely not.
Finally, he fixed a stare upon at Donkey. Perfect. But how to trick him, Shrek got an idea as he sang aloud, "Oh, Donkey?"
"Yes, Shrek?" Donkey asked.
Pointing with his free hand that didn't have the magical brass knuckles, Shrek said, "Look, Fiona has made a huge plate of waffles for you!"
Turning around, Donkey was excited, "Where?" But he didn't see anything. "I don't see anything, Shrek."
"Just keep looking, Donkey. You'll find it, eventually." Shrek then said to himself. Sucker… He then punched Donkey who then began to transform, when the smoke cleared, Shrek saw what his friend became, he started laughing, "Now, that is a good look for you, Donkey. Or should I say, Unicorn?"
Confused, Donkey arched eyebrow, "Unicorn? Shrek, what are you the h-e-double hockey sticks are you talking abo…?" He looked at himself in a mirror and freaked out. Turning to this friend in annoyance. "Shrek!"
But Shrek continued to laugh, eventually, Fiona and Puss in Boots joined in. "Oh, come on, Donkey. It's just a wee bit of fun. Not that you wouldn't know what that is."
Donkey rolled his eyes and laughed sarcastically, "Har-har, what you see as fun and what I see as fun are two different types of fun, Shrek."
"Just saying…" Shrek said.
"I don't get it, Shrek. Why am I always the ass of your jokes?" Donkey asked.
"Because that's what you are, Donkey. You're an ass." Shrek replied laughing, he then looked at the magical brass knuckles in annoyance. "Why didn't they work?"
He punched Donkey, this time the latter turned into a Pegasus, "Nope."
He gave Donkey one more punch again, causing the latter to turn back to normal.
Shrek then asked in a huff, "Oh, Mother Fletcher! Why isn't this working?"
Before Shrek could get an answer, purple smoke began to appear. Who should appear from the smoke than, our hero's good friend, the former husband of Fairy Godmother and father of Prince Charming, Fairy Godfather himself. A towel was wrapped around himself. And whereas Shrek, Fiona and Puss in Boots were happy to see him, Donkey screamed and shield his eyes from Fairy Godfather's nudity.
Speaking to himself, Fairy Godfather (or FG to his friends) said under his breath with a heavy sigh, "It never fails… One minute you're taking a bath, the next you know, there's always bounds to be accidental magical punch being thrown somewhere. Oy, what a day." He turned to see his friends, beaming. "Oh, hello, guys."
To which Donkey exclaimed, "Dang, FG! Put on some drawers!
Fairy Godfather rolled his eyes, "Eh, work work work… People always make me do all the work around here." He then frowned. "And do I get so much as a simple 'thank you' in return?" When Donkey doesn't answer, he shook his head. "No, I don't. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be appreciated compared to my ex-wife?"
He then started crying hysterically.
Shrek put a hand on his shoulder, "That's not true, FG."
Puss in Boots nodded "Si, we appreciate what you do for us, señor."
Sniffing, Fairy Godfather said, "You're just saying that to make me feel better, aren't you?"
Fiona shook her head, "No, of course not. We really do appreciate what you do for us."
Brightening up, Fairy Godfather smiled, "Do you mugs really mean it?"
Fiona nodded, "Really, really."
She held up a mud pie complete with the words 'Thank you, FG!' which were made from gummy worms.
"Thanks, you lot," he went back to work. "Now where the heck did I put my wand?"
As with Shrek and his brass knuckles situation, Fairy Godfather started to go through his towel and look for his wand, as he did so, he came across random items which weren't the wand. Among the items he came across included, but did not limit to a rubber duckie, a bar of peppermint flavored soap, a bottle of lavender scented shampoo, a bottle of hair conditioner, etc. Eventually, he found and pulled out his wand.
"Aha, here it is!"
He then used his wand to give him his normal attire, which was a royal purple pinstripe suit, with a white dress shirt, black dress shoes, a black necktie and a black pork pie hat. He then cleared his throat and had Donkey look at him.
"Better, Donkey?"
Donkey nodded, uncovering his eyes "Better. I just didn't wanna see your Twinkie, that's all."
Fairy Godfather smiled back.
"Good," he turned back to the others. "Now, what can I do for youse?"
Fiona explained the situation in no time flat, and when she's done, Fairy Godfather stroked his chin.
"That's it?" Everyone nodded. "I'd be happy to help you mugs as always."
"But the onion carriage is still being repaired," Shrek interrupted "How are you…?"
Holding up his free hand, Fairy Godfather answered "Way ahead of you, Shrek. I'm gonna make you a hot air balloon. But this is gonna a special type of hot air balloon."
Curious, Shrek raised an eyebrow. "What about it makes it so special?"
"While it is powered by gas, the gas tanks will be powered by you and Fiona, Shrek. If you catch my meaning…"
"I still don't understand what makes it so spec…" Now getting the picture, Shrek smirked. "Oh, I get it. It's powered by…"
Nodding, Fairy Godfather commented, "Yep, scoregge and rutti."
(Translation note: Scoregge means 'farts' in Italian and rutti means 'belches' in the same language.)
Shrek whistled an impressed whistle, "Molto bella."
(Translation note: Molto bella means 'very nice' in Italian.)
"Then, what do we do if we need more supplies?" Shrek asked.
Waving his wand, Fairy Godfather produced a list of need supplies, all of which he listed saying aloud, "I'll provide you with everything you will need: Onions, beans, soda, etc."
At the same time, he began working on the hot air balloon.
Speaking sarcastically, Donkey was not impressed. "Great, just what Shrek and Fiona need, another stinky mode of transportation. Just super…"
Frowning Shrek eyed Donkey wearily "So? You'll wear a gas mask, Donkey, no big deal. Or you can just fly on Dragon. Your choice…"
Sighing heavily, Donkey gave in. "Fine, fine, Shrek. It's just that a recall a certain someone telling me years ago that if the smell was from him, I'd be dead."
Shrek laughed, "Oh, come on, Donkey, don't tell me you still believe in that. I was merely yanking your chain, as usual."
"Har-har-har," Donkey answered sarcastically.
A day later, our heroes were all packed and ready for their long trip ahead to Conques. But before leaving to embark on their journey, Shrek noticed that Fairy Godfather was there.
"Come to say goodbye, FG?"
"Actually, I'm going on this trip to join you lot myself." Fairy Godfather answered.
"Why?" Shrek asked.
"I have been told by my cousin that Adam has changed a lot in ten years, so I'm going to not only visit my cousin, but see for myself it's true." Fairy Godfather replied.
Intrigued, Shrek asked, "Who's your cousin?"
"Her name's Agathe and she's an enchantress." Fairy Godfather replied.
"I've heard of her, she's lovely." Puss input his perspective. "If memory serves, she not only gave Adam his curse, but she also lifted it."
Fairy Godfather nodded, "That she did, Puss, and she is indeed a thing of beauty. Rather like Belle." Turning to Shrek, Fairy Godfather then said, "Also… Shrek, do you still have those old brass knuckles I gave you?"
"I do." Shrek answered.
"Good… Get rid of them." Fairy Godfather said in a serious serious.
"But why? I like 'em. Can't I just hold onto them for one more day?" Shrek asked, rather hurt.
"You could, but they're not functioning too well." Fairy Godfather replied. Using his wand he made a new pair, complete with a magical dial. "Use these ones instead. You see this little dial?" He asked indicating a dial.
"Oh, aye." Shrek nodded.
"Just turn it or say into it what you want something to become anything you wish, and it'll do exactly that." Fairy Godfather explained.
"So say if I want to turn Donkey into a slug…" Shrek pondered, "it'll do that?"
"Yep." Fairy Godfather nodded.
Excited, Shrek began thinking of other endless possibilities, "Or if Donkey is getting under my skin, and I want him to turned into a…"
Reading Shrek's mind and thinking the ogre was gonna say a 'weed rat', Fairy Godfather replied, "Yes."
"Oh, sweet! Thanks, FG!" Shrek beamed taking the new brass knuckles.
"You're welcome." Fairy Godfather answered.
With their bags, Shrek's new magical brass knuckles and everything else secured, our heroes began set off on their journey, luckily, following Shrek's advice, Donkey remembered this time to pack some things to do in order to entertain himself. While on their way, everyone began thinking of ways they could pass the time upon their arrival. When it was time to refuel the hot air balloon tanks, they did so. When they had to sleep, they slept and kept a person in charge of flying the hot air balloon. When they had to go, they went.
Eventually, on the day of their arrival, which was half a week later, it was nothing like they expected, the view of Conques was just so, for lack of a better wording… Beautiful.
Fiona, who had been in charge of night duty woke up the gang, "Good morning, everyone."
Everyone soon followed in suit bidding each other the same.
Soon, they were eating breakfast and making ready for landing. But as they ate, something soon occurred to Puss regarding the hot air balloon, he turned to Shrek.
"Hey, boss, who's flying this thing?"
To which Shrek answered with a warm laugh, "Why, I am, Puss." He then did a double take by shaking his head, "I am?!"
As the hot air balloon began to descend by falling really fast, Shrek then looked around the hot air balloon for the spare onions, beans, soda or just about anything that Fairy Godfather gave which could power the tanks, he then looked at Donkey, who had just ate the last of the supplies.
Oy, why am I not surprised? Shrek asked himself, rolling his eyes.
"DONKEY!" he bellowed.
"What?" Donkey meekly asked. Shrek then grabbed him, "Come on, Shrek! Can't we talk this out?"
"Oh aye, that we can, Donkey." Shrek calmly admitted with sarcasm. "But you should've thought about that sooner before you ate the supplies!" He yelled.
Donkey then started panicking as it looked as though this was his day to meet his maker, Shrek was about to throw him overboard. But what happened next, he didn't see coming. Instead of Shrek doing what he thought he was gonna do, Donkey instead felt Shrek cocking him like a rifle and held him near the gas tanks, and in return Donkey let out the biggest fart he could, when the tank was full, Shrek set him down.
Panting in relief, Donkey soon bellowed, "Don't you ever do that me again, Shrek!"
"Oh, I won't." Shrek smirked, laughing all the while.
Slowly but surely, the hot air balloon began to descend, the gang had arrived in Conques. When it touched down, Fairy Godfather turned the hot air balloon into an onion carriage. As it went on its way from the village of where Belle used to live and go to Adam's castle, Shrek and the gang began to notice eyes upon them, it was not every day Conques had seen ogres, then again, neither had Far Away. When they arrived at the castle, the gang noticed two adult humans standing outside the castle waiting for their arrival, recognizing them immediately as Adam and Belle, Shrek smiled at Fiona, who was just as excited to get out and see her old friend, plus his wife.
A portly man with fancy clothes approached with a scroll in hand, he read it, "Announcing the arrival of Princess Fiona of Far Far Away and her husband Sir Shrek, sire."
Adam nodded warmly, "Thank you, Cogsworth."
"I live to serve, your grace." The man known as Cogsworth bowed with a smile.
"Well," Shrek said, looking at Fiona, "this is it."
"This is it." Adam whispered to Belle.
"This is it." Donkey acknowledged to Puss.
"This is it." Belle replied to Adam.
"Eso es todo." Puss uttered to Fairy Godfather.
(Translation note: Eso es todo means 'this is it' in Spanish.)
Cogsworth spoke to another man, whose name was Lumière, "This is it."
"Questo è." Fairy Godfather murmured.
(Translation note: Questo è means 'this is it' in Italian.)
"Zis is it." Lumière chuckled.
"This is it." Fiona sighed happily.
The carriage door opened, and fanfares began playing, but unlike their arrival in Far Far Away years back, Shrek was relieved to notice that nothing was going awry.
"Adam must've prepared everything for our arrival."
Donkey looked around and then turned to Shrek and Fiona, "Why don't you two go ahead and socialize? Me and Puss will park the cart."
But before Donkey could do so, quick as a flash, Fairy Godfather turned it into a piece of luggage.
"Never mind."
The two couples then walked up, hand in hand. Eventually, they stopped. Fiona approached her old childhood friend, giving him a big hug. "Adam, you old beast, look at you."
"It's wonderful to see you as well, Fiona," Adam said, turning to Shrek he asked. "And I take it that you are Sir Shrek, good knight?"
"Oh, aye." Shrek nodded. "It's nice to meet you too, Adam. And this," The ogre said indicating Adam's savior and wife, "must be your wife Belle. She is indeed a vision of pure beauty."
"Bonjour, Monsieur Shrek." Belle said, nodded with approval. "It's lovely to meet the heroic knight who rescued Fiona."
"Bonjour, Mademoiselle Belle." Shrek answered. "It's lovely to meet the girl who captured the Beast's heart."
"If you follow us, we'll show you to your room." Adam offered. "We'll have dinner in an hour and a half, I'll see to it someone is sent for you when it's nearly time."
"Thank you, Adam. That'd be delightful." Fiona answered.
So, the gang entered the castle, excited and filled with wonder as to how ogres and humans would get along in both the likeliest and unlikeliest of times. But unbeknownst to either party, a hooded figure had been watching them. Taking off, he made his way from the castle to the local pub in Conques called La Proie du Chasseur (or the "The Hunter's Prey" in French). It was a local pub that used to belong to both Adam and Belle's former rival, the man who tried to win Belle's heart years ago and tried to kill Adam when he was still the Beast… Monsieur Gaston LeGume. His name? Avenant LeGume, he was essentially Gaston's younger brother.
"So the ogres have brought along the fairy," he smiled evilly and muttered himself, "excellent. My plan may come to fruition yet."
Author's notes:
* So that was chapter 2. The big questions that you all should be asking yourselves right are as follows:
- What kind of fun will Shrek, Fiona and the gang have with Belle and Adam?
- And what plans does Avenant have in store for Fairy Godfather? (probably nothing good)
- Find out in the next chapter.
* For those of you have to ask, yes, it was my intention from day one to have Shrek and the gang's arrival in Conques be very similar to their arrival in Far Far Away.
* A little trivia about Avenant: originally he was going to be the planned major villain of Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas instead of Forte the pipe organ, but he was ultimately replaced by the latter.
- Also, Avenant was the character whom Gaston was based off and inspired by in the 1991 and 2017 movies.
- Avenant was also the main antagonist of the 1946 version of the movie. Which, as of now, I have not yet watched, but I have major intentions to do so one day.
That said, until the next chapter, my fellow readers:
I'm M. R. Parkerson signing off…