The act of making a decision seems so simple on the surface. Choose one thing, OR choose the other. But many times, the decisions we make, can have the largest impacts on the way our life unfolds, whether we know it in the moment, or we begin to realize it as years tick by.

GUEST HOUSE 2020

It's been about an hour or so since Bo left the guest house. I've thought several times about going to find him, but instead I sit on the edge of the bed, looking out into the room, listening to the storm that seems to have no inclination of slowing down. I've needed the time to think, anyway. I've always been a fairly sensible person, careful and largely in check with my self-control—apart from him. He's always been a spill of watercolors on my freshly typed paper. A display of color and beauty, saturating the words in black ink, rendering them unreadable; And this time, it's the instructions on what the hell I'm supposed to do with this moment.

Just as I feel oncoming tears building a knot in my throat, the door swings open. Bo's usual towering presence somehow seems wilted as he crosses the room, sitting next to me on the bed. A few silent moments pass before I look at him. He stares straight ahead, deep in thought.

"Bo," I start- But I have no idea what the hell I'm going to say. So his name just stays suspended in the air between us until he finally speaks.

"I should have let you walk out of that door yesterday, when you said you had to go," he says quietly. He turns and looks at me, "You were trying to do the right thing, Sid. You're so strong, and you've always taken charge of every aspect of your life-except me. You never say what you need to say to me, and if you do, you back down right after. You always make excuses for me and forgive me when you shouldn't." he shakes his head, casting his eyes to the floor. "Today was on me, I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."

I look away, pulling my hair forward, letting it tumble over my shoulder. "Bo, It was just a mistake." I say.

Bo jumps to his feet. "It's always a mistake. What is it with us!? - What is it with-" He pulls his hands through his hair.

"I just- wanted our friendship back," I say.

He shakes his open palms out Infront of him "We will NEVER be friends again, Sidney! Not like that, okay?," he sighs, exasperated, dragging his hands down his face. "Our little 'BFF' status ended over twelve years ago when I fell in love with you," his voice wavers.

I drop my eyes to the floor, biting my bottom lip to warn off tears. He speaks softly, "So If that's what you're looking for, then I think today proves that it's gone, Sid."

I nod, "Yeah, okay," I choke out. I feel the warmth of tears on my face. He reaches out, tipping my chin back to look at me. His brows draw up with hurt.

"You said earlier, you wish I had respect for the life you have now, And I want to do that." He lowers to the floor in front of me and sits back on his heels, bringing us eye level. "So, right now, you can make the wrong decision. Stay here with me- Let's get in deeper, because you know we will," he reaches out, brushing his thumb across my cheek, sliding his fingers into my hair. "If you're around me, I'm going to kiss you, I'm going to touch you, and even worse— I'm going to love you," his voice breaks, "and uh—we're not each other's to love, so—" He closes his eyes, squeezing the bridge of his nose.

He stands suddenly, clearing his throat. "So—right now, you can make the right decision—walk out that door. You have an amazing life to get back to, Sid. You're out there doing great things, and showing the world how it's done. You always have—especially, when I've stayed out of your way."

I drop my face into my hands. A sob escapes, echoing through the silent room. I've known since the moment I saw his face yesterday that I was subconsciously saying my goodbyes, because I knew this was going to happen—because it always does.

I haven't seen him in five years. He has NO idea that it took me a majority of that time to simply become comfortably numb to his absence, and it took less than 24 hours for it slash me right back to the bone. I swear, I don't know if I have the strength to walk away and start the process all over again. But his words echo loudly in my head; 'we're not each other's to love.' He's made it clear. Not only am I, not HIS to love, but he's not MINE to love.

He's not mine—not anymore.

SENIOR YEAR 2008

The alarm on my phone infiltrated my dreams before it actually woke me up to reality. I raised my head, watching it with one eye open, as it screamed at me like an asshole from my bedside table. I slapped at it a few times before I managed to hit the right button and silence the little shit, for good.

"Mmmm, the emergency kill switch," Bo, sleepily mumbled. He pulled me closer, tucking his head into the back of my neck. I smiled, wondering why happiness can sometimes feel like heartache. And as I drifted back to sleep, I dreamt that I was flying.

I awoke with a startle sometime later, jolting upright. I glanced down at Bo wrapped in the pale violet sheets of my bed, still sleeping peacefully. I grabbed my phone to check the time.

"Oh, shit! Bo, wake up," I shake his arm and jump out of the bed, crossing the floor to my closet, grabbing out the first thing that looked even remotely acceptable and hop around trying to get my legs into the billowy, navy blue romper.

"What's going on,?" Bo sat up, rubbing his sleepy eyes.

"Bo, you have to get up right now. We are SO late for school."

He flipped his wrist, peering at his watch, "Fuck—what happened to the alarm?" he jumped up, grabbing his clothes off the floor.

"The emergency kill switch," I answered, peering at him through the mirror of my vanity. I sat there struggling to accomplish a loose over the shoulder braid.

He appeared behind me, kissing the top of my head. "Okay, I'll be back to pick you up in—" he glanced at his watch again, "Like—hopefully 20 minutes ago," he said.

After he left I brushed my teeth, not being able to ignore the tickle in my throat and the overall feeling of sluggishness. But I didn't have time to think about it. I walked back to my room to grab my bag and sunglasses.

"Good morning, Sidney," my mother said calmly, from the chair by my vanity.

Mom!" I gasped, grabbing my chest. "When did you get back in town?"

"Early this morning," she grinned, taking a sip from her coffee mug.

Shit – shit -shit -SHIT!

I stood there like a startled cat, ready to take on a fight, but trying to remain calm just in case she didn't know Bo had been there.

She smiled at me, genuine love written on her face. "I had to check in on my baby girl this morning when I got home. Couldn't help but notice a blonde headed boy curled up with her." She mused, taking another sip of her coffee.

"Mom-I-"

"Relax, Sidney. I'm not mad. You two have always been so close, I knew it was only a matter of time. Plus, You're both 18." She shrugged as stood. "Just please, Sidney, please make sure you stay on top of taking your birth control.

"I will," I nodded, thanking my lucky stars she wasn't trying to rip me apart.

She walks up to me, holding her coffee in one hand and touching my cheek with the other. "Do you love him?"

I nodded, feeling the burn on my face, "I really do."

She smiled. "You know I adore him, like he's my own. But you both need to be careful with your young, little hearts. You have so much life ahead of you." The faint sound of his horn blowing outside made it up to my room. "Go get em' baby," she said, giving my arm a squeeze.

After grabbing my things I headed downstairs and out into the driveway where Bo's silver Lincoln Navigator was parked. I jumped in, closing the door and looked at Bo who was wearing his glasses for the first time in a while. My heart melted.

"So, I noticed your mom is back in town," he said throwing the gear in reverse and backing out of the driveway.

"Yep."

"Does she know?"

"Yep."

He was quiet for a few moments as we headed out of our neighborhood. "Is she pissed?"

"Surprisingly, no," I laughed, feeling the tickle in my throat return. "She just wanted to make sure I take my birth control."

He laughed. "Linda, you BITCH, we loaded that shit up in PEZ dispensers!" He cranked up the volume on a Kid Cudi song, as we headed off into the morning.

The high school was in view and we only had minutes to spare. We didn't run late very often but we usually didn't mind much if we did. But on that particular morning I was hellbent on getting to my English class on time to find out the results of the nationwide scholarship writing competition that I entered at the beginning on our Senior year.

Bo navigated the flooded parking lot, searching for an open spot; the downside to running late. He reached over, placing his hand on the back of my neck. "Sid, I know we're in a hurry this morning but I just wanted to tell you, I know you're going to do great. So, try not to be nervous. I'm really proud of you."

"Thanks, I'm trying not to be," I smiled.

He swung into an empty parking spot. "Also, if you don't place, let me know. I'll strangle Mrs. Renner to death. And she's a TOTAL whore so she'll probably like it. So—you know, it'll be- 'humane.'" He air quoted.

I laughed, way harder than I should have. "God, you are so romantic," I mused. "And they say chivalry is dead."

He smiled, cutting the engine. He leaned over and kissed me, running his thumb along my cheekbone. He leaned back a little looking at me with concern. "You feel hot, Sid. Do you have a fever?"

I felt my body growing weaker by the second and by the time I made it to my English class I practically collapsed into my desk. As late as we were running that morning I was surprised to see that Mrs. Renner was running even later. I put in my headphones trying to find something to listen to in the meantime. I decided on 'World Spins Madly On' by the Weepies and was about to hit play when I overheard Ashley Tanner, a couple of seats behind me, say something about Bo.

"I mean, all I'm saying is—I want to know if he's a hair puller during sex. I just want to BELIEVE Bo's a hair puller. I'd fuck him either way though," she giggled.

"Oh my god, Ashley! Sidney is RIGHT there," I heard Megan Vaughn, chime in.

"So, she has headphones in. Plus, she has to know that most of the girls in this school, and for sure, some of the guys have Bo in their spank bank," Ashley snapped back.

Ashley was NOT wrong. I was VERY aware that a majority of the population at our school, wanted a piece of Bo. Towards the end of the summer and into the first half of our Senior year, Bo had essentially become "Internet famous" from the songs and comedy skits he put online. But, I had grown somewhat numb to the fact, considering our high school was a drop in the ocean compared to the entire country full of girls that wanted him and all the guys who wanted to be LIKE him. However, I wasn't totally used to girls talking about wanting to FUCK him, while sitting only a few feet away from me.

"Ashley, chill out," Megan said.

Ashley didn't skip a beat. "I can't, I'm all worked up now— Somebody tell Bo I need my ponytail pulled."

Okay….that's it.

I pulled my headphones out and turned in my seat to look at Ashley. As if everyone in the room had been watching me like a hawk, the class fell silent.

"He definitely dabbles in hair pulling, Ashley. Especially when it's getting rough. But—it's the things he does with his tongue that just—BLOWS my mind," I say. The class erupted into a combination of laughter and 'ohhhh's." Sporting a wicked smile, Ashley's mouth dropped wide open.

"Class! Helloooooo!" Mrs. Renner was suddenly in the room, her eyes scanning over us wondering what the commotion was about. After everyone finally got settled and quiet, Mrs. Renner began the class with announcing the results of the writing competition.

"Okay, listen up. From preparatory schools all over the nation; One student, each, was nominated to enter, for the National Scholarship for Young Writers. Today, class, I am bursting with pride, because our very own, Sidney Paxton has placed 1st! Congratulations, Sidney!" The class applauded and Mrs. Renner continued with additional praise. But to me, the world fell silent. I was in complete shock and overwhelmed with joy. I cupped my hands over my mouth, trying not to cry. Mrs. Renner walked to my desk, giving me a side hug and congratulating me once more, handing me a thick packet of information and a certificate.

After the adrenaline rush of the big news began to settle, I realized I was undoubtedly coming down with something. I called mom to pick me up after class and I slipped a note into Bo's locker, 'Had to go home. Definitely sick Love you- Sid.'

After a visit to the doctor, where I was diagnosed with a sinus infection, and two prescriptions of antibiotics later, I was home in bed. I had a temperature bouncing between 102 and 103 and I felt like shit. Happy, excited, super proud, shit. I couldn't wait to tell Bo the news. I would've put it on the note I left him, but I wanted to see his face when I told him. Although, I hoped the absence of the news didn't mean he would strangle Mrs. Renner during lunch period.

I finished the ice cream mom got me on the way home as a congratulations treat and sank further into my bed, leafing through the papers in the packet Mrs. Renner handed me. In it, I found a letter from Stanford University, urging me to consider them for a bachelors in writing. I tossed it aside and grabbed my lap top, spending the next couple of hours looking up all information on it. It seemed like a dream school and one of the best for writing. Eventually, sickness won, and I drifted off to sleep, dreaming of the possibility of college life in California.

I awoke to the sound of my bedroom door opening and closing softly. I heard footsteps and then felt a sink in the mattress. I turned, meeting the soft blue eyes of Bo.

"Hey, pretty girl," He said, sweeping my hair away from my face. "You feeling bad?" He touched the back of his cool hand to my face.

"I'm alright," I answered.

"So, how did it go?" He asked. I flashed him a huge smile.

"I got 1st place."

His eyes widened, "Sidney, are you fucking serious?" I nodded, "Oh my god, Sid, congratulations!" He grabbed my face into his hands, kissing me for a few blissful seconds. "Sid, I am so proud of you. God, I'm seriously so proud."

"Thank you," I smiled.

I showed him the certificate I got and I told him about what happened with Ashley that day in class. He laughed, but it fell short. Bo loved doing what he did, he truly loves to entertain and create but I noticed a rising sense of discomfort he had with the attention he received because of it. The one thing people want the most out of any variety of fame, was the one thing that he seemed to resent. I spent a large majority of the rest of the evening, tucked into his arms, sleeping on and off while he watched a Batman movie marathon.

Almost a month later, Bo, myself and a few other friends were spending a sunny day outside, filming a comedy skit. It was a PSA about things that people wear that make them look like food items. I held the camera, trying not to laugh while Bo and Daniel walked around in women's track suits, and for some reason, targeting Britney Spears. But I was suddenly caught off guard when Daniel said something about girls on their period. If I had been starring in a movie right then, that's when the camera would have pushed into my face to signify sudden, nightmarish realization. I practically tossed the camera into the hands of another friend, Brandon, standing next to me, and darted off to my house.

I grabbed my planner off of my desk and sat on my bed, flipping to last month's calendar. No, no,no,no,no… it was confirmed. My period was a week and a half late. I fell back onto the bed, pressing my palm to my forehead. This cannot be possible—I thought to myself. I felt around for my phone. Once I found it, I looked up reasons for a late period, even if you're taking birth control. My eyes landed on Medications. Turns out, some antibiotics can lessen the effect of your birth control. Like the two antibiotics I was on when I was sick.

I laid there, staring at the ceiling, trying to get images of a shot gun wedding out of my head when Bo came into the room, his face, full of concern.

"Sid, what's going on? Are you okay?" He sat down on the bed, leaning over to look at me.

"I might be pregnant," I said, before I could chicken out. His eyes went from narrow concern to wide open shock.

"What? But—how, I mean—I—wha-?," he stammered so badly with his words I grew concerned he was having a stroke.

"The fucking antibiotics I was taking, apparently they mess with birth control and-shit on your life," I terribly explain.

Bo told me not to panic and left to tell the guys the filming was canceled for the day. It wasn't until a while later he returned, finding me literally hiding in the fetal position under the blankets.

"Sid?" He laughed lightly. "What are you doing?" I felt him get on the bed and a second later he slid the blanket back enough to reveal my face. He smiled as he looked down at me, and it was in such a tender way, sobs I didn't know were coming, escaped and I erupted into a childlike tear fest.

"Aw, Sidney-noooo," he said sweetly. He leaned over, his face only a few inches from mine, while I tried to get my tears under control. He placed his palms on my cheeks and wiped my tears away with his thumbs. I watched his soft gaze while involuntary gulps of air jolted in my chest. "You're my girl, you know that?" I nodded. He smiled. "Everything is going to be just fine, Sidney. Either way, no matter how this goes, you and I, we're going to be alright."

There was a stretch of silence, as I laid there looking up at him. Trying to find the peace he was trying to offer me. Then it hit me. "How are you so calm right now? You couldn't even form words before you left," I said.

Before he could even answer, panic set in and I found myself jumping off the bed, starting to pace the floor. Bo watched me, moving to a sitting position on the edge of the bed, fidgeting with the strings of his striped hoodie.

"Sid it's going to be okay." He said again.

"Why do you keep saying that?" My back and forth, pace increased. "Babies are adorable, Bo. SO adorable, in fact- that from what I've seen—it's like- right after they're born, before they even leave the hospital, they POSSESS their parents. Like—like—" I turn to Bo, "What's the term for baby demons?" I snapped.

"Um…There —isn't?"

"Okay, whatever— the point is, before the baby even gets their complimentary sock hat to go home in— the parents have totally gone insane, and everything they've planned, everything they love is now focused on that baby."

Bo nodded, "That's -kind of how it should be, Sid."

I stopped my pace and spun in his direction, "You know what? Fine. Be all chill about it if you want. But if I AM pregnant, you're not going to change the world, Bo. You're gonna be changing diapers."

"That's really not a DAD thing.."

My eyes went wide.

Bo laughed , "I'm kidding, Sidney."

I sighed. "Bo, you said you didn't want to fade into mediocracy. What do you think this is going to do?"

He looked at me for a moment, with all the adoration of watching a kitten try to be tough.

"You want to know why I came back so calm earlier?"

I nodded.

"It was because when I left, you were right, I WAS freaking out. I felt like my entire future was being laid out for me. On top of that, I was frustrated that I had to cancel the skit. But— " Bo sat for a moment, looking off in thought, and then a smile began to play on his lips. "Something happened when I was walking back over here. I looked up at the house and— thought of you being in there. And it made me think of the whole idea of coming home to you— to OUR home- With our beautiful— sock headed, demon baby."

I couldn't help but laugh. I walked to him at the edge of the bed. "Honestly, Sidney. The feeling was so overwhelming, nothing mattered anymore. I didn't care if things weren't going to go as planned. I certainly didn't give a shit anymore about the skit." He shrugged, "I don't know. Fading into mediocracy doesn't seem so bad anymore. Not if I'm with you. You make me happy."

It was two nights later when I started my period. I eventually learned it was probably due to stress. Senior year was coming to a close, graduation was around the corner and life felt like it was suddenly picking up speed.

I headed over to Bo's that night to let him know. As I headed upstairs I heard him talking and realized he was on the phone. His door was cracked and the light of his bedroom, spilled out into the dark landing as I opened it. Bo was sitting on the floor, between his bed and the keyboard, and had just wrapped up the conversation as I walked in.

I was about to tell him the news, but the look on his face when he looked up at me, trapped the words in my throat.

"Sidney? — you are NEVER going to believe the phone call I just got."

The decisions we make in our lives are a breaking point of sorts. As with each new decision, our path splits off to begin a new journey.

That thought rolled around in my head later that night as I rested my chin in one hand and drummed my fingers on the surface of my desk with the other, staring at the bold red words on the screen of my lap top.

It turns out, the man on the other end of the line was an agent from L.A. —Comedy Central was looking to book Bo for a television special. It was a HUGE break. After him and I jumped around the bedroom for a while, and after he kissed me like that sailor, kissed that nurse, we celebrated for a while with his stunned parents, basking in the glow of amazing things to come.

When it comes to decisions, some are just so easy to make. They're so clearly written out in front of us. They spell out success, hope and a promise of a bright and brilliant future.

I pull my laptop forward and out of nervous habit, I hit refresh on the Stanford University web page. I take a deep breath, and with a smile, I click on the bold red words on the screen: APPLY NOW.

The thing about decision though, especially the big ones, is that it gives us only a fleeting moment of clarity. After that, it brings forward, its anxiety ridden cousin.

-Uncertainty.

Guest House 2020

I made my decision. The "right" one. I pack up the little bit of luggage I have, crossing the room to the door. I turn, looking at Bo, one last time, as he stands a few feet away, arms crossed, looking broken. He nods. — I walk out the door.