"I am short of breath
Standing next to you
I am out of my depth
At this altitude
Like the world makes sense
From your window seat
You are beautiful
Like I've never seen
Go ahead and laugh
Even if it hurts
Go ahead and pull the pin
What if we could risk
Everything we have
And just let our walls cave in"
Atlas Heart – Sleeping At Last
FALL 2009
Bo and I stood in his driveway, receiving a third round of hugs from my mom and Patty.
"Keep my baby brave, and try to have some fun. You guys need it," Patty said, squeezing the air out of me.
"We will," I assured her with a smile. I turned, just as Bo was being released from my mom's arms and gave her another hug. She squeezed my chin and 'booped' my nose as she always has, when she's trying to remain emotionally calm.
We climbed into the navigator, waving at our mothers, as we pulled out of the driveway. They waved back with their free hand, looping arms with the other.
"They are too cute," I mused.
"And high as hell," Bo huffed with a grin, "I saw them pop a Xanax with coffee this morning."
"Oh shit," I laughed.
It was a crisp, cold, fall morning as we began our nearly four hour long road trip, headed west, bound for Manhattan. Bo had a meeting scheduled later in the day with Brett Bennett; a viciously loud and fast talking suit from Comedy Central. It'd been over a year since we became official high school graduates. We were somehow, still reeling from the sense of freedom that came along with it. Looking back, I would have tried to enjoy our last year of high school a little more. Freedom is great and all, but as we would soon learn, life would no longer be safe and sound days, hanging out in the cozy confines of the pool house.
I got a letter from Stanford right after graduation. It was informing me that they were at full capacity for the time being, but would be in touch. I was both disappointed and somewhat relieved. There was so much going on and deep down I just wasn't ready to deal with whatever changes that would bring. So until further notice, I was free to help Bo, who for obvious reasons, decided to put off college so he could work around the clock, writing his upcoming show; "Words Words Words". So, while our friends went on post-graduation trips, and began preparing for their freshman year in college, we spent ALL of our time in the pool house that we set up for writing the show. That's when I witnessed for the first time, the drive, near obsession that Bo has for his work. I loved him only more for it.
It was quite a while later, that I glanced at the clock and noticed we didn't have much longer to go. Although we had a fair amount of chit chat in the first two hours of our drive, I noticed Bo had fallen suspiciously quiet and I glanced over at him. His eyes were on the road but I could see that signature, 'eyes full of thought,' look.
"You good?" I asked.
He kept his eyes locked forward, but sighed. "The truth?—I'm fucking scared," he answered.
"Why's that?"
He shrugged "I don't know, really. Just stuff gnawing in the back of my head. Maybe I'm angling for self-sabotage? Maybe it's a fear of the unknown? I guess, it's like—if I fuck this up, then that's it. It's not like they're going to give me a do-over."
"Bo, there's no way that's going to happen. I've seen what your bringing to the table," I comforted.
He smiled, "You love me, of course you think that."
"That's not true," I argued.
He shoots me a look of mock, wide eyed horror, "You don't love me anymore? Wow, Sid. You're a cold hearted bitch."
I laughed, "Bo, don't be stupid. What I MEAN, is that it's not biased at all. Your work; It's hilarious, catchy, smart. And of course I love you." I said.
He smiled, seeming to go back into deep thought for a few more minutes. Then he reached out and held my hand, balanced on my knee.
"And that's exactly why I haven't bitched out; Because even if I completely blow it, I've still only lost the second most important thing to me," he said squeezing my hand.
I smiled over at him.
"I mean that, Sid," he said, glancing at me. "Tapping that ASS, is my number one priority." His words drowned in my fit of laughter as I shoved his arm.
After white knuckling the steering wheel, using every bit of his VERY broad vocabulary of profanity and navigating us through the Holland Tunnel; where I sank fearfully into the passenger seat while he patted my leg, saying 'just close your eyes, babe,' we finally made it into Lower Manhattan. We stopped in to check into the Hotel Hugo only a couple of blocks away from the Comedy Central headquarters. I was thankful because that meant no more navigating through the chaos.
The hotel was a stunning mix of luxury and bohemian. We crossed the stone flooring of the vast lobby and made our way to the counter, where a young, adorably cherub faced gay guy, named Chet, helped us get checked in. At least I assumed he was gay. It seemed a bit obvious as soon as he got an eye full of Bo.
"My GOD, you are just a tall glass of gorgeous, aren't you?" He said, sweeping Bo, up and down with his eyes.
Bo huffed out a laugh and proceeded to stare at the floor. I handled the rest of the transaction, chatting with Chet who had turned his attention on my hair. He said I looked beachy chic—so that was fun.
We started back across the lobby to grab our luggage from the car when we heard a squeal echo into the skylit dome. Bo and I noticed a couple of girls, about our age, by the elevators. They whispered excitedly to each other, staring at us, or Bo, rather.
"Bo!," They called out just as we were about to exit. He turned and gave an awkward half wave before we headed out to the car. I laughed as we walked. That was officially the first time outside of Danvers that he had been publicly recognized. I thought it was kind of cool but Bo was visibly weirded out by it.
We dropped our luggage off in the room and decided to get a bite to eat around the corner before we went to the meeting that Bo insisted I attend. I personally wanted to lay around in the hotel room and use all the samples but he seemed pretty nervous, so I didn't mind.
We decided on a burger joint, located on the first story, under a psychic reading place. Outside, it had the curb appeal of a dive bar, but inside it was more of an uptown bistro.
"So what's this meeting about again?" I asked, as we finished off the curly fries. I waited for Bo to handle the aggressive amount of fries he was trying to get down. We both hadn't realized how hungry we were.
"Something about signing some contract agreement paperwork. That's why it had to be in person," he said, gulping down some soda and pushing the wire basket of fry remnants away from him. "Dad had them fax a copy, so his lawyer could glance over it. He said it was pretty sound," Bo shrugged. I noticed that he wasn't necessarily looking at me when he spoke but more, right through me. He had a vacant look in his eyes and he began chewing furiously at his nails.
"Hey," I said softly. I watched his eyes focus in on mine, but he didn't have any mercy on his nails. I reached across the table and rested my hand on the one he wasn't mutilating. "You're feeling pretty nervous, huh?"
He nodded.
I leaned in a little, "Bo, I know that this show is all you've worked on; and I know this is pretty much a dream of yours. But please, just know this; You still don't HAVE to do it. Not today, not a week from now, not a decade down the road. I know your signing paperwork and these guys are breathing down your neck, and that's only because they know what a fortune you're going to rake in for them. But regardless of contracts and expectations, you still belong, only to YOU. Okay?"
His hand lowered from his mouth, tugging into a slight smile, "I love you, Sidney."
"I love you, too," I patted his hand and sat back.
Bo glanced at his watch. "We better get going."
"Hey, dude. Oh my god!" I heard a voice say from behind Bo. We turned to find a dark headed, jock type, guy who looked to be in his twenties. He stared, wide eyed at Bo. "Dude, are you Bo Burnham?"
"Uh, yeah?" I heard Bo say. I could tell even by the back of his head that he was probably glancing around awkwardly.
"Omigod, man. I love your channel; I've watched all of your stuff. You're hilarious, dude!" The guy was legitimately star struck.
"Cool-uh..thanks," Bo said.
After the guy wondered off in a blur of excitement, we headed out and began on foot to CC headquarters.
"I know you're not used to it yet, but you really need to work on your face to face interactions with people who approach you," I said to Bo, as we made our way down the sidewalk. "People in Danvers are used to seeing you around, so they don't really bother you. But, out here in the rest of the world, you have fans, Bo. They want to say, Hi."
He kept his eyes low as we walked, "I seem too distant? I don't mean to be like that I just- I don't know."
"Bo, it's not really being distant, it's more like, a mass amount of annoyance mixed with light disdain," I took his hand and watched the side of his face as we walked. "It's no big deal right now, just something to consider. I know you're more about the actual work and performance aspect but, you can't punish them for loving it."
"Yeah," he nodded. "I know you're right."
We made it to the headquarters, where a sharply dressed lady named, Cynthia, led us to an office at the end of a long stretch of hallway. I glanced around at all the Comedy Central shows and movie posters, plastered all over the contemporary aesthetic. Not two minutes after we were seated at a ridiculously large meeting table, Brett walked in with the expected amount of sheer volume he had displayed on the phone over the last year.
"Burnham, my man!" He reached out, shaking Bo's hand, hard enough to snap it off.
"Uh, Hey….," Bo replied, clearly taken aback by the guys energy.
Brett pulled a rolling chair out and turned it backwards, taking a seat with his chest pressed into the backrest. "Man, this is gonna be great, Bo. We LOVE your stuff and were so excited to get you out there. You already have a fan base so we just gotta get you in front of them, am I right?!" He broke into exaggerated laughter, jabbing Bo's arm. Bo did everything he could to keep a chill smile plastered on his face while nodding.
Brett tossed the folder he'd been holding in the other hand, on the table, along with a pen. "If you'll just sign those for me, my man."
Bo took the paperwork out and leafed through it. He grabbed the pen and hovered it over the papers, most likely pretending to read it.
"Yeah, we're just fired UP!" Brett continued. Bo, literally flinched from the volume. "And look at you, you're hot! Like a funny Justin Bieber!"
Bo's face turned to stone, glancing up and staring at the wall straight ahead of him. I reached over and placed my hand on his knee under the table. Bo's eye's looked down reflexively and then angled his head slightly to look at me. There was something desperate in his eyes and I wanted to ask him about it, but Brett cranked up again.
"And look at you! What's your name?" Brett asked, looking at me.
"Sidney," I answered, glancing up from my worried gaze on Bo.
"Sidney! Beautiful name and MY GOD you are stunning! Damn, Bo, you're HOT but she's HOTTER, am I right?"
Bo snapped his head over, looking at Brett with a blank icy stare. Brett, suddenly fidgeted with his tie. "Oh, wait, she's not your sister or anything, she's your girlfriend right?
"Yes," Bo said looking back down at the papers.
"Well you did good, my man. We may not want to advertise that to the world though. It's better to have the appearance of being single and ready to mingle, you know what I mean?"
Bo was done listening. He popped the clicky part of the pen on the desk and signed the papers as fast as he could, then practically jammed the papers back into the folder as he stood up. "Papers are signed, but we have to get going," Bo said, leaving no space for debate.
Brett seemed totally caught off guard. I don't even think it was because of Bo, rising so suddenly to leave. I think, most likely, he was just expecting a super animated- 19 Year Old guy, oozing comedy from his pores. He hadn't learned yet, that Bo isn't some hyperactive, musical jokester. He's just VERY good at playing one.
Bo barely said a word, as we made our way back to the hotel. I didn't probe, I just let him quietly exist in his head, while attempting to keep up with his incredibly long stride. He finally broke his silence as we padded down the hotel hallway towards our room.
"You know I love you Sid," he said, keeping his eyes forward. His voice was low, almost shaking with anger.
"Um, —yeah?"
"Good, because I'm going to cut to the chase. I am stressed, the HELL, out right now, and I am inconceivably irritated- and right now, all I really want, is to get to the room, and FUCK THE HELL out of you. That okay?"
Wow, he's pissed.
"Yep."
A few moments later, we arrived at our door at about the same time I arrived at the realization that whatever was really bothering Bo was a lot more serious than fear of failure. I watched him practically assault the key card reader, and followed him in. I turned to shut the door, but it slammed, leaving my hand suspended without purpose. He had me snatched around and slammed into the door, his mouth begging for something as it moved on mine all before my mind could catch up.
For a split second I thought about stopping it. Something was really wrong and it almost scared me. But as my body was jostled in all directions while he stripped me down to nothing , my busy mind was quieted, and all I wanted- was whatever he needed.
Until that moment, I had never felt anything like it, and I'm not entirely sure I ever have again. The desperation in every move he made, filled me with an overwhelming urge that clashed with swelling heartache. I always loved sex with him, but this time, what our bodies were doing, was just music in the background. We never made it to the bed, our lips didn't touch again after the first time. He moved in a way that made me dig my nails into his skin, but it also hurt, my body— and my heart. The look in his eyes, as his anger melted into sadness— well, it still haunts me. He stripped me down, revealing my body. He stripped himself down, revealing his vulnerability.
On the floor next to the bed, we both went over the edge, our arms out like a bird, fearlessly diving into the wild unknown.
As I sat up against the bed, he wrapped his arms around my waist like a child, tucking his face into my neck. I begged my heart to hang on, while his warm breath batted against my skin while he sobbed.
2020 -After- the guest house
I sit in the rental car in his driveway for several minutes, crying like the sound of laughter with my forehead, pressed into the steering wheel. After I'm able to hold it back enough to drive, I manage to get myself to a nearby hotel.
The desk clerk gives me several questioning glances, observing my red puffy eyes as she gets me checked in. Once in the room I throw myself onto the floral printed covers and continue where I left off. I know I need to get it together so I can call Chris without raising questions. But the more I try, the more I fall apart.
I hear my phone, buzzing nearby and I grab it. When I see the text, I slide off the floral nightmare and onto the floor with my back against the bed.
Bo 9:58pm - I stared at the door after you left. About 20 minutes. A selfish piece of shit hoping for the wrong decision. You have to know, I never deserved you. Gnight Sid