The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has fallen asleep. This is just more fun little madness from my tiny mind. And an attempt to try…

Dream Psychology 101

Chapter One: Mind of A Private Dick

"Ugh…" Archer almost stumbled out of The Agency's elevator as he entered the office. He looked bruised and beaten. His tuxedo shirt was torn and open with his jacket nowhere in sight. His tie was gone. He was limping on his cane. His normally impeccably coiffed hair was a mess.

"Well you look like shit," Ray remarked. He was sitting in the bullpen with Krieger drinking beers.

"And hello to you, too…" Archer said acidly. "What the hell are you two doing here?"

"Krieger gave me a quick update on my bionics," Ray shrugged. "Then we decided to just hang out and drink. Why are you here?"

"I figured I'd sleep in my office," Archer admitted. "It would probably be the one place Mother won't find me."

"Pull up a beer and tell us what happened," Krieger indicated the cooler on a table. "It's Kriegersncapps 100! My best batch ever."

"Why not?" Archer sighed.

"So what happened?" Krieger asked.

"Well Mother dragged me to this save the wetlands banquet," Archer explained as he sat down on a nearby chair. "Partly to make an impression on the latest poor rich bastard that's wandered into her sight. Like a half blind stag."

"And the other part?" Krieger asked as he handed him a beer.

"So, I could seduce the daughter of one of Mother's rivals," Archer groaned as he grabbed the beer. "Who so famously protested to everyone that she won't sleep with any man until she's married."

"Just like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Liaisons," Krieger added.

"More like Boris Karloff in Frankenstein," Archer shuddered. "Ugh not that much of a mystery why no man would touch her. And I suspect even fewer women would."

"So, what happened?" Ray asked.

"Apparently, I already slept with the married daughter of the man mother was after ten years ago," Archer admitted as he took a drink. "And broke up their marriage."

"Ouch," Ray winced.

"And," Archer added. "I also apparently slept with his niece at her 21st-birthday party which I crashed around the same time."

"Oh…" Ray and Krieger said as one.

"And," Archer went on. "I slept with his sister's best friend at this other party a few years back. And ruined her marriage."

"Oh…" Ray and Krieger said as one again.

"And…" Archer added. "I slept with the wife of one of his best friends…"

"Ohhhhh…" Ray and Krieger winced.

"And her sister…" Archer added before taking a drink.

"Ohhhhh…."

"And their divorce lawyers," Archer added. "And they were all there in the same room at the same banquet."

"Oh God Archer!" Ray snickered. "I would have paid to see that!"

"You don't have to," Archer groaned. "I think it already has a few thousand hits on Me Tube. Which is approximately the same number of hits I got from the women. And their ex-husbands. And their current boyfriends. And the man Mother was trying to date."

"Oh lord Archer…" Ray giggled.

"That's when things really went downhill," Archer sighed.

"There's more?" Krieger asked.

"Oh yeah," Archer sighed. "I may have had a minor flashback or something when they were hitting me. Thought they were alien gangster cannibals…Long story short Mother is paying a lot of hospital bills. And more tickets to the policeman's ball. As well as personally ensuring a few acres of wetlands in New Jersey are protected for at least five years."

"Oh boy…" Krieger winced.

"Then I did something really stupid," Archer added.

"You slept with Cheryl again?" Ray quipped.

"I wish," Archer sighed. "I may have drunkenly blurted out Mother's plan for me to seduce her rival's daughter. While wearing nothing but my underwear."

"What?" Ray did a double take.

"No, wait I was fully clothed," Archer remembered. "But I still blurted it out. I may have restarted a few society feuds. And possibly an actual fire."

"On the plus side," Ray added. "Your mother won't ever ask you to escort her to another society function ever again. Provided she's allowed to go back to one."

"I take it that your mother's chances with her new beau are completely dashed?" Krieger asked.

"Dashed, shattered, smashed and thrown in the garbage," Archer admitted. "And then the garbage was set on fire."

"Ouch," Ray winced.

"Yeah well, she's not the only one striking out," Archer grumbled. "I'm telling you guys…And I'm only admitting this because you know I'll beat the shit out of you if you tell anyone…"

"Granted," Krieger sighed.

"My love life has not been doing well since I got out of the coma," Archer grumbled. "And not just because I've been blacklisted by all the escort services in town."

"I could see how that would affect your love life," Ray said dryly.

"I keep getting these flashbacks," Archer admitted. "To my coma dreams. For a minute I forget which is real and which is just a dream. And when you're talking to a beautiful woman one minute and she turns into a weird looking alien the next…It can put you off your game."

"Archer it seems to me that you need to study your coma dreams," Krieger told him. "That might actually help you get a handle on things in the real world."

"What the hell?" Archer sighed. "This night's already shot."

"Ooh! Goody!" Krieger's eyes lit up. "I can…"

"No weird science gizmos!" Ray told him.

"Aww," Krieger pouted. "It's just as well. My hologram room I've been working on is still on the fritz. Can't turn off the kill mode."

Archer looked at Ray. "Good call."

"Just tell us what you remember," Krieger told him. "Take your time."

"Okay the first part of the dream was weird," Archer said. "I was a detective in the 1940's investigating the death of my partner…Woodhouse."

"Jesus," Ray whistled.

"I guess I knew he died," Archer sighed. "Somehow in my subconscious…deep down. I mean I was investigating his murder in my dream. Well one of them. Everything kind of got jumbled up."

A few minutes later…

"And that's what happened in the first part of my coma dream," Archer paused. "You know I guess I should have known the whole thing was a dream. It was so weird and surreal."

"So basically," Ray sighed. "Everything that happened to you when you were in a coma was a dream. No mobsters. No Treasury agents posing as lounge singers. No god damn robot Dobermans…"

"Yeah, I thought it was weird I was able to see exactly what everyone else was doing but pretended I didn't," Archer blinked.

"That was a clue yes," Ray sighed.

"It also explains why Pam was gender fluid," Archer remarked. "Kind of had a Russel Crowe vibe."

"Another clue Sherlock," Ray said dryly.

"And the fact you were straight should have been a serious red flag," Archer chuckled. "And the fact that you couldn't hold your pot."

"I was what?" Ray gave him a look. "And I couldn't what?"

"Well technically straight-ish," Archer shrugged. "Obviously in 1947 you couldn't be openly gay. I'm just saying if someone just watched that dream with no background of your life or no knowledge of your personality they could have interpreted you as possibly straight. Just nutty. You kind of had a Barney Fife vibe."

"Seriously?" Krieger asked.

"Well he admitted he was 4-F in the draft but that could be anything technically," Archer explained. "Again, he acted more like Barney Fife than gay."

"So basically," Krieger mused. "Like Uncle Arthur in Bewitched?"

"Exactly," Archer nodded. "If you weren't in the know…"

Ray snapped. "What do you mean I couldn't hold my pot?"

"Really?" Krieger asked. "That's what's got you upset?"

"Yes!" Ray snapped.

"It seems to me Archer that your coma dream was an attempt by your subconscious to try and define your relationships in real life," Krieger pointed out. "Since you have been consciously avoiding such a hard look at them before. Having your mind intentionally forget about us in the real world so you could examine how you see your relationships in the dream world."

"How do you figure that?" Archer snapped.

"Well for starters in the first dream you imagined Ray was possibly straight," Krieger said.

"That is kind of a huge clue," Ray nodded.

"Straight-ish," Archer shrugged. "Could have gone either way technically. More like a silly idiot actually so…"

"By imagining Ray as silly instead of gay and was Lana's band leader was your way of defining him as a rival for Lana's affections," Krieger said.

"Excuse me," Archer held up his hand. "I must have had a brain aneurysm. Ray? My rival for Lana's affections? HELLO?!"

"Well not a physical rival obviously," Krieger rolled his eyes.

"Duh," Ray said.

"We're talking an emotional rival," Krieger said. "The friendship between Ray and Lana connects on a level of intimacy that you secretly want but don't have. Your subconscious brought up your secret jealousy of their relationship by having the two of them work together."

"Are you saying that I'm jealous of Ray because he can talk to her about women's fashions and I can't?" Archer snapped. "That is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard!"

"We don't just talk about fashions," Ray snapped. "We talk a lot about a lot of things. Mostly our relationships and feelings!"

"They share a connection on a deeper level than you and Lana do," Krieger shrugged. "You have to admit that."

"Yeah, they have a connection all right," Archer snorted. "They both think their legs look great in short skirts!"

"You know…?" Ray growled.

"Wait, I had something better for this," Archer said. "Some kind of Will and Grace joke."

"I dunno," Krieger said. "Ray does have nice legs. I'd bet he looks great in kilts."

"Hey I do look great in kilts! But that's not the point," Ray defended himself. "My point is when it comes to basic friendship Lana and I are closer than you two could ever be."

"Yeah you both share the same dress size," Archer snorted. "I'm not…Damn it! I know I can do better…Must be because of the coma. My brain cells must be fried."

"Your brain cells must have drowned," Krieger remarked. "You know? From all the alcohol you drank all over the years?"

"The remaining brain cells must have built an ark like Noah," Ray quipped. "For forty years they floated along riding out the storm…"

"That implies that I started drinking when I was born!" Archer snapped. "Which is technically accurate if you count breast milk so…"

"Okay Smart Ass," Ray folded his arms. "How do you explain making Cyril the bad guy? Huh? You obviously see Cyril as a dangerous villain and rival for Lana."

"No," Archer corrected. "I see Cyril as a whiny little douchebag who got lucky. The only time Cyril is dangerous is when some idiot sticks a gun in his hand. Or gives him a tank. And even then, it's mostly accidental!"

"What about your mother as a psychotic murdering powerful mobster who forced you to work for her?" Ray asked. "And nearly got you killed?"

"Okay that one I'll give you," Archer shrugged.

"The fact that you imagined Pam living as a man is really interesting," Krieger remarked.

"That tells a lot," Ray nodded.

"As well as the fact that you pretty much saw every person you know in your dream as an adversary out to get you," Krieger added.

"Paranoid much?" Ray asked.

"And the fact that you see yourself as a victim of circumstance instead of the one that causes chaos is very telling," Krieger added.

"Not to mention the fact that Lana died in your dream," Ray added.

"Oh yeah," Krieger nodded. "That's a big one."

"Why?" Archer asked.

"Because it showed your deepest fear and/or realization that your relationship with Lana can't last," Ray said. "Duh!"

"And you blame your mother and your friends for getting in the way of your relationship," Krieger added. "When it's clearly your own fault."

"How is it my fault that Lana died?" Archer snapped. "When both Mother and Poovey shot her!"

"It was your gun, dude," Ray gave him a look.

"Oh, use that line," Archer waved.

"Plus, you tied Lana up and put her in that position in the first place," Ray added. "So…"

"Yeah you were definitely responsible," Krieger nodded. "You just used your mother and your friends as an excuse. The gun is clearly a symbol of your reckless behavior. Come on Archer. This is Dream Psychology 101."

"Yeah you have some serious problems buddy," Ray nodded.

"Can we get off of Lana for now?" Archer snapped as he took a drink. "What about the rest of the dream?"

"Well you were a detective in the dream because you were a detective at the time in real life," Ray told him. "Only it wasn't exactly what you thought it would be like. So, your dream self-invented a reality that matched your expectations."

"I expected cyborg bikers carrying halberds and cyborg Dobermans?" Archer asked.

"Well if it was anyone else I'd say no…" Ray shrugged.

Archer paused. "Point taken…"

"Obviously you were working through the trauma of learning Woodhouse was dead," Krieger told him. "Through your subconscious."

"You wanted someone to blame," Ray added. "Boom. Barry."

"Hatred of Barry, fear of cyborgs…" Krieger counted. "Add those together and you get a scapegoat."

Archer paused. "Okay that's plausible. But Barry and I worked through that. I mean I know now he had nothing to do with Woodhouse's death. It was a combination of old age and heroin."

"Honestly with the amount that man ingested, I'm amazed he lasted as long as he did," Ray admitted. "Another telling thing is that in your dream you saw him as your partner rather than your servant."

"So?" Archer asked.

"So that means you held Woodhouse in higher esteem than how you treated him in real life," Ray told him.

"Well the man was with me for almost my entire life," Archer admitted. "God I was a real shit to him, wasn't I?"

"Your words," Krieger said. "Let's talk about Cheryl. Or in your dream Charlotte Vandertunt."

"Another name change," Ray added.

"What about her?" Archer asked.

"You saw Cheryl as a ditzy, insane, conniving heiress slash damsel in distress who caused you nothing but trouble after you slept with her," Krieger told Archer.

"What about that is different than the real Cheryl?" Archer asked.

Krieger paused. "Point taken."

"Yeah that was pretty spot on," Archer shrugged.

Ray added. "What I find interesting is how you saw Krieger."

"What about that?" Archer asked.

"You saw him not as a Nazi but as a guy who worked to take the Nazis down," Ray told him. "That means you do have some admiration for Krieger and see him as a friend."

"I honestly wish that was my origin story," Krieger sighed. "Not that I'm really clear what it is."

"Something tells us we're all better off not knowing," Ray groaned.

"And not knowing helps us all sleep at night," Archer nodded.