OCTOBER 2010 – STANFORD HOUSE
Teagan busted into my bedroom, without even trying to knock. "Okay, enough is enough," she said, pulling the purple drapes open. I cringed away from the light, covering my head with the bedspread. The bed, was where I'd been almost the entire day, studying for finals. In the dark. Listening to Damien Rice.
It had been a month since the breakup, and I had yet to live the life I claimed to be missing. I barely made it to classes on time but I buried myself in homework. I kept my head down, desperately avoiding all conversation. A week ago was the only time I answered the phone for anyone other than my mother, who was hellbent on making sure I was okay. But the call came in when I was heading out of class one afternoon and I realized it was Samm.
"Hey, Samm," I answered.
"Sidney, have you seen or spoken to Bo lately? He's not answering calls or texts."
"No, I mean. I haven't seen him for a few weeks. –We broke up," I explained, feeling a knot in my throat.
There was a few seconds of silence on the other end.
"I know," she finally replied. "I talked to him a couple of days after that, but that was the last time I've been able to get through to him. I literally just called him like, 10 times in a row."
"You talked to him? How was he?"
"Not good. He's hurt, Sidney, I mean- he was a wreck when we talked," she said, sharply.
I sat down on the bench outside of Moore Hall and clasped my hand over my mouth, feeling a sob working its way up.
"I'm sorry, Sidney. I know you're doing what you think is best but -he's my baby brother, you know? It's hard to see him like this. Plus, it's just hard to even believe this is really a thing. You two have been fused together since you were 13 years old."
"I know," I choked through tears.
"Oh! There he is, finally. Let me get this," Samm said. The call ended and I sat there staring at the dark screen on my phone, hating myself even more than I had previously. I realized in that moment that I'd been avoiding people and whining about having to go to class, while Bo was having to face crowds. I tried to text him a couple of times after that day, he never replied.
"This has to end," Teagan said, jerking the blanket from my face. "Tomorrow is Halloween, were having a party here. It's going to be amazing , were going to get decked out in costumes, and YOU are going to have a great time."
"Teagan, that's not going to happen. I'm trying to get ready for finals and plus, I don't even have a costume," I argued.
"That's where you're wrong, Pumpkin Pie," she wagged her finger. "I knew that would be one of your opening arguments, SO—" she walked out of the room and returned within seconds with a tiny, VERY form fitting, green sequined dress. "I'm going to wear a purple one just like it," she smiled from ear to ear.
I stared at the little piece of sparkly fabric for a moment, trying to decide if she bought it from a Baby Gap. "So, what are we supposed to be?"
"Witches! And were gonna be twinsies!" She jumped up and down with excitement.
I sighed, running my hand down my face. "Teagan, what in the hell is supposed to be witchy about that?"
She grinned, pulling a witches hat from behind her back.
HALLOWEEN NIGHT– PARTY AT THE STANFORD HOUSE
I stood looking in the mirror. My fishnet stocking covered legs, looking longer than I'd ever seen them, considering the "dress" barely made it past my ass. My auburn hair hung around my waistline and I thought for a moment about considering a haircut.
"Oh my god you look so HOT!" Teagan squealed, as she came into my room. She was looking even leggier than me, but in purple.
"You know, without the hat –we just look like hookers," I pointed out.
"That's the point, Sidney," she laughed.
"I don't know, Teagan. This isn't my thing. I love Halloween but I mean, last year I went as a sweet pea."
Her smile fell. "Oh my god, Sidney. Please do NOT tell me Bo was also a pea and you guys were in a pod or something"
"No! God…..he was a carrot -but that's not the point."
She rolled her eyes. "Sidney, come on. That's the point of Halloween. Be something you're not. So, be a slutty witch. Get super wasted and for the love of all hallows eve, just have some fun. For once."
I sighed, looking down at the black stilettos she insisted I wear. "Fine," I whined. "But here and now, just know – I'm going to break my face in these heels."
Teagan laughed, leaving the room, "Well, it better be because your drunk as fuck!"
I looked in the mirror again.
Okay, Sidney. Just have some fun.
Later that night, the house was buzzing with energy. Music pumped through the air and more people were packed into the house than I imagined was possible. I walked out of my room after finally deciding to at least wear a knee length, long sleeved black sweater with a hood. It made it look a little more witchy. Plus the dress was sleeveless and there was a heavy chill in the October air. I walked to the banister and looked down to the 1st floor.
The party was way more intense than I expected. It surpassed some of the crowds I'd seen hanging out at the surrounding frat houses. The front door was open and I could see there were tons more people spilled out onto the huge wrap around porch, and the set of stairs leading to the yard.
I was still in such a melancholy mood. I knew if I had any chance of having some fun, then I would have to start drinking immediately. So I carefully, made my way down the crowded staircase, while trying to balance in the heels. I finally made it to the kitchen, where the counters were covered with a wide variety of alcoholic beverages.
"Sidney finally joined us!" Teagan yelled, over the deafening sound of music mixed with god knows how many partiers. The people she was gathered with at the kitchen island, cheered.
"Here you go, witch!" Teagan handed me a mystery shot and I downed it, handing it back to her.
"Pour me another," I said.
"Pour me another!" She repeated in a cheer, "Hell yeah!" She poured another and I downed that one too.
I could feel the warmth already blooming inside me.
"Hey, Sidney," Teagan said, leaning in. "Michael is here." I followed her gaze out into the living room where I spotted Michael, leaning against a pillar, bobbing his head to the music, red solo cup in hand.
I smiled. "Aww, Teagan. You really need to put him out of his misery. He's crazy about you."
She shrugged with a grin. "I know, but I love to make a guy work for it."
"It's been months, Teagan! He's been pining over you for MONTHS. Come on, give the guy a break. Fondle his BALLS, do SOMETHING," I giggled, realizing I was already feeling those two shots. Then I figured, I might as well have another.
Two hours or so passed, along with very frequent trips to the kitchen to down more social courage. It didn't take long for me to loosen up. I ditched the witch hat and the sweater somewhere along the way, and I wound up out in the living room, dancing my heart out among the sea of co-eds. Teagan and a few other friends of ours were gathered around doing the same. I noticed after a while, through hazy vision, that poor Michael was still standing around, watching Teagan, but actively trying NOT to watch Teagan. I felt awful for the guy, so after heading to the kitchen, downing two more shots and making a strong mixed drink to take with me, I headed over to Michael, swaying on my feet a bit.
"Hey there, Romeo!," I yelled over the music.
"Hey Sidney, you having fun?" Michael asked, seeming super chipper about having someone actually approach him.
"Yeah, it's a cool night, I guess," I said, chugging a quarter of the drink I made. I shook my head from the burn. Pretty sure it was stronger than I thought. "Are you going to wait all night to say something to her? Or are you going to actually do it?"
He smiled and looked down, embarrassed. "I was waiting for the right moment to talk to her. I wanted to finally ask her out."
I tilted my head and gave him a face that clearly said, But really though? I had watched Michael over the last several months, try and fail to get the courage. It was just getting sad.
"I heard her talking about these necklaces she saw at the mall the other day. So I tracked them down and I wanted to give it to her when I asked," he said.
My heart strings were pulled. Michael, the twenty year old, guy, standing at a college party wanted to give Teagan a necklace upon simply asking her out. It was just the most adorable thing.
"So, go do it then, Michael," I downed more from my drink.
"Well I wasn't sure which one she'd like so I got all three. But, I don't want to hand her three necklaces."
"Show 'em to me," I said.
He glanced nervously over my shoulder and I turned. Teagan was glancing over at us as she danced. Suddenly a song came on that got everyone wired up and the crowd exploded in a deafening cheer.
"Come on," I said, grabbing Michaels wrist. I lead him upstairs, surprised that I didn't fall. Everything around me was starting to turn into a blur and I knew I was well beyond drunk.
Once in my room I shut the door. "Okay, lemme see them," I slurred. Michael fumbled around in his coat pocket and pulled out a handful of tangled black cord.
"Okay, I got a frog, a butterfly and a cat," he said after getting them untangled. I leaned in studying the brightly colored, glossy little shapes. Downstairs I heard the crowd go nuts again but even more than the last time. Michael and I both reflexively looked towards the door before I turned my attention back to the necklaces.
"The butterfly. For sure." I said.
"You think?"
"Yeah she'll love it," I smiled.
"I really appreciate it, Sidney."
"It's no problem, I'm just tired of seeing your puppy dog eyes," I laughed. "Now go ask her the FUCK OUT!"
He gave me a quick hug about the time I heard a tap on the door. It opened as I pulled away from Michael and looked over, half expecting to see Teagan.
My heart swelled when I saw Bo, standing in the doorway.
"Bo?"
His wide eyes glanced back and forth between Michael and I. Then my heart sank as I realized what situation he THOUGHT he had just walked in on. Bo took a few steps back, his lips parting in shock. He turned and headed towards the stairs.
"Bo!" I called, taking off after him.
I rounded the door and fled to the landing, spotting Bo in his striped hoodie halfway down the stairs and moving quickly. I made it a quarter way down, stopping to snatch my heels off. Between the spindles I spotted Teagans wide eyes staring up from the sea of people below that erupted into more cheers as Bo made it to the bottom of the stairs and pushed his way through them. With heels in hand, and the room spinning, I made it down the stairs and shoved through the crowd. I finally made it out into the cold October air, and across the only slightly less crowded porch.
Bo had just made it to the bottom of the stone steps leading into the yard.
"Bo, stop! It's not what it looks like!" I shouted from the top step.
The crowd around us took quick notice, Jeering and laughing.
Bo stopped and turned to me. His expression just south of pissed.
"Oh my god, seriously Sidney? 'It's not what it looks like'?" He air quoted.
"It's not, he's just a friend, Bo."
He smiled, dropping his head and then back to me. "A friend, huh? And thus the cycle continues, I suppose."
"That is NOT what's happening!" I yelled, staggering forward to the next step.
I worked to correct my balance while his saddened eyes swept over me, suddenly taking notice of my heavy intoxication and terribly revealing ensemble.
"Well it looks like you're really fitting in around here, Sid. Very classy."
Bo ducked, as I hurled my heels at him, dizzy and suddenly furious.
"Why are you even here, Bo! Did you really just stop in to make me feel like shit?!"
He pressed the bridge of his nose and raked his fingers through his hair. "I really don't know what I'm doing here." His heavy eyes looked up to mine. "I just needed to see you, I guess."
We stood there, looking at each other for a few moments. Neither of us sure what to say next.
I heard some rowdy guys come out onto the porch.
"Mmm, baby! Lemme see under that dress!"
Bo's eyes glanced past me and I turned to see some beefed up asshole with a ball cap on, staring at my ass.
"Get out of here!" I snapped.
"Oh, come on," the guy moved in closer "lemme just-get a little peak." He reached out to touch me.
"Hey, back the fuck up!" Bo said, charging up the stairs.
The guy through his hands up, "Whoa, hey man, I didn't know she was your girl."
Bo had a smaller frame, but flexed his major height difference as he stared down at the guy, only inches from his face. "Does it mother fucking matter?" Bo said, dangerously.
The guy backed off, watching over his shoulder as he joined the onlookers around the porch.
I suddenly felt like everything I had drank that night, hit me all at once. Everything was spinning and I tried to sit down, but began to stumble backwards instead.
"Whoa, Sid." Bo caught me with his arm.
I looked up at his worried eyes, feeling the warm sleeve of his striped hoodie across the skin on my back. The same striped hoodie he wore the night he sat on my bed, back home in Danvers and told me he loved me.
"You okay?" He asked.
I shook my head, no. Because if I spoke, I knew I'd cry.
"Come on, let's get you in bed, and then I'll go," he said. He pulled his arm away for a minute, while he gathered the heels I threw at him, out of the grass and then walked me back through the party and up the stairs.
Between the front door and my bedroom door, my level of intoxication only worsened. And after walking through the living room filled with loud music and costumed partiers, my mood shifted from sad and tired, to nearly incoherent giddiness. Upstairs in the hallway, it all came to a head when I spotted Michael and Teagan kissing wildly as they headed into her room, shutting the door behind them.
"Oh my god, Michael! You did it, buddy! Wooooo! She's gonna fondle your BALLSSSS, son!" I erupted into an uncontrollable laughter, practically falling into my room.
I heard Bo laugh under his breath behind me, as he helped me stay on my feet.
"My god, Sid. How much did you drink tonight?" He said, shutting the door.
"Eeeenough," I said through gasps of laughter. I shot him the 'ok' sign, probably incorrectly.
He smiled, shaking his head, as he walked me over to the bed where I sat down on the edge, holding my stomach as I giggled.
"Enough to what? Fucking christ, your liver's probably just a neon sign now."
"Enough to not wanna die anymore," I laughed. "Teagan said to have fun for once, so check me out, now!" His smile fell, gazing down at me while I continued to laugh. I met his eyes,"Why so serious?" I said, mocking his expression. I got up and stumbled past him, grabbing a t-shirt from a pile of clothes by my desk, as he took my place, sitting on the edge of my bed.
"Sidney—" he said softly.
"What?" I said, heading back towards him and tossing the shirt on the bed.
"Are you okay?" He said, searching my eyes.
"Of course I'm okay, have you SEEN my legs in his dress?" I sloppily presented them. His eyes traveled slowly down my legs and then back to me. "I mean, I've never worn fishnets in my LIFE, Bo. Feel them," I said, stepping closer, pushing my hips between his knees. I grabbed his hand, pressing his palm to my thigh, pulling it up, across my skin. I looked into his eyes, trying to figure out why it hurt, just because they're so pretty.
"Sid, -don't," he said quietly. He pulled his hand back.
I grabbed both of his hands and pressed his palms back. "Why. It feels good doesn't it?" I said. I pulled his palms higher, pushing my dress higher, until it was above my hips. Bo's eyes fluttered closed and I kissed him. For a moment, he slipped under with me. Our lips played on each other, his hands piloted themselves, grabbing into my thighs as our breathing quickened. Then he dropped is hands and stood up from the bed. I looked up at him, my heart shattering.
"What?" I nearly shouted. "What is it!, Are you trying to respect my boundaries?" I laughed, although I didn't feel it.
"Yes," he answered.
He watched me as I stood there laughing. He continued to watch me, as something broke slowly inside of me and my laughing turned to crying. And then, everything turned against me. I ran to the bathroom, falling to my knees in front of the toilet where I vomited between sobs. I rested my forehead on my arm, propped on the toilet seat. I felt my hair lift and turned my head, watching Bo settle on the floor, next to me, tucking my hair into his palm.
"Don't look at me," I cried, weakly.
"Sidney- don't do that. I've seen you sick before. I've seen you in baggy sweatpants, no makeup, and I've seen you in all the other countless ways you've consider yourself ugly. And, what did I say when you said, 'Don't look at me?'"
"You said—you're so beautiful it devastates me."
He nodded and leaned a little closer. "Sid, I've recently learned what it means to be heartbroken, and I'm trying to process that, I really am, - but guess what?"
"What?" I sniffled.
The corners of his mouth lifted, just a little. "Right now, the only thing I feel, is absolute devastation."
After a while, he helped me change and get into bed. I was aware of him around me for a while, but sometime after I fell into a deep sleep, he left. I woke up the next morning, glancing around the empty room before my pounding head sank back into the pillow, soaking it with tears.
L.A 2020 GUEST HOUSE
It's sometime in the early morning as I lie here watching Bo sleep soundly. The blanket rest just under his shoulder, his hair, spilling out onto the pillow and across his forehead. It's always astounded me, how utterly unaware he is of his own beauty.
My stomach twists, as I realize there's only a few days left before I'm clear to fly and I'm released from my excuse to be here in L.A. Where do we go from here? Will I simply kiss him goodbye and leave? The waters of our life, settling into stillness, after the deep wake of this time? Are we ignoring the profoundly obvious prose of our words? The messages written under the surface of every look, every touch? We've cut so deeply into each other; is it possible that we'll slink off, like creatures, scorned and wounded, alone, to lick our skin clean?
A single thought that's been clawing at the wall of my subconscious, finally breaks free. Out of all the things that have been said, there's a vast amount that's still left unsaid. And right there on the surface, are those three words that refuse to be ignored. He hasn't said it and neither have I. Maybe, he still adores me. Maybe, he holds our past in a shadow box on the wall, while he falls asleep on the couch, watching movies with Elle. Maybe he feels almost everything, but that. But I know for sure, how I feel. However wrong it may be.
I gently brush the hair from his forehead, making sure he's still tucked under the surface of his dreams, before I whisper,
"I love you."
After a while, I quietly leave the bed. Completely naked, I begin searching around for the clothes I came in a couple of days ago, deciding I'd let him sleep, while I go get my luggage from the hotel. But only a few minutes go by before I hear movement and turn to see Bo stretching, before his eyes land on me.
"You trying to sneak off before I wake up?" He smiles. "That's shameful, Sidney."
I smile, back. "I was going to get my clothes from the hotel."
His eyes drink in my body, "I like what you have on."
I glance around and notice something in the wire basket, filled with clothes that sits at the corner of the bed. I reach in, fishing out the red and black fabric.
"Since when do you wear flannel?" I ask, holding the shirt up.
"I don't," he grins, reaching out, running his fingers across the skin of my bare legs. "But I'd give away everything I am to see you wear it."