When The Volcano Blows

"Why don't we move on to the second part of the dream?" Ray suggested as he picked up another beer from the cooler. "Tell us about that."

"The second dream was weirder but more fun," Archer told them. "I was a seaplane pilot on this island of Minimotu. My mother was a hotel owner and former spy who had me smuggle illegal items for her."

"So far everything fits," Ray remarked.

"And she owned this hotel and most of my business," Archer sighed. "So I was in debt to her."

"Again…" Ray said. "No surprises there."

"Pam was my sidekick and co-pilot," Archer went on. "And she was like eight feet tall and had a lot more muscles than usual."

"You do see her as your best friend," Krieger told him. "And she is kick ass."

"Lana was the princess of the island," Archer admitted. "And I tried to get with her. I probably would have if I hadn't fallen into that lava."

"Seeing Lana as royalty is a reflection of your idealization of her as your ultimate conquest," Krieger went on. "Which not only reflects the esteem you have for her, but the knowledge that your relationship was doomed to fail."

"What do you mean?" Archer asked.

"You fell into lava before you had sex with her," Krieger pointed out.

"So far this is all par for the course," Ray sighed. "What was I in this dream?"

"You were the French Police Captain who had some kind of backroom deal with my mother," Archer said. "You were both running the island together. Until the Nazis came and threw you into a barrel."

"What?" Ray raised an eyebrow.

"I will give your other self this," Archer admitted. "He said no to helping the Nazis. Right before they threw him in the barrel. And he was smart enough to run away from the volcano. I mean he ditched us but now I can honestly say I can't blame him. Again, coming from the guy who fell in the lava."

"Back up a little here," Ray said. "Explain the story a little more."

"Okay here's what happened," Archer explained. "I slept with Carol…I mean Charlotte Vandertunt on her honeymoon while her husband…Who was Whitney Stratton the Fourth if you can believe it…Was gambling in the casino. He found out. Left the island with her passport and stranded her there. So, she had to go work for Mother as a prostitute to earn her keep."

"Wow," Krieger was stunned.

"I know," Archer took a drink. "Stratton would have totally ditched his wife to go gamble."

"No, I meant the whole your mother turning Cheryl into a prostitute thing," Krieger told Archer.

"Well she wasn't a very successful one," Archer explained. "Until she got an invading army of Nazis to fall in love with her using a jar of coconut butter."

Ray thought. "I can see that happening."

"Before Mother knew it," Archer went on. "Charlotte was ordering her to make her breakfast. Then for some reason all the natives made her Queen. Which really pissed Lana off."

"Cheryl turning the tables on your mother," Ray said. "And pissing Lana off. This is so much like your real life it's scary."

"What was Cyril in this dream?" Krieger asked.

"Cyril was…" Archer paused. "A Nazi…"

"Here we go!" Ray said.

"What?" Archer barked.

"It's just interesting that you keep painting Cyril as the bad guy," Ray told him. "Even though there's tons of evidence that it's the other way around."

"What do you mean?" Archer asked acidly.

"I mean that even in your subconscious you see Cyril as a threat," Ray pointed out. "Ergo, your equal."

"You take that back!" Archer barked.

"I'm not the one who made Cyril a Nazi!" Ray told him. "What'd he do? Attack you with a tank?"

Archer paused. "Giant mech robot."

"Oh my God!" Ray's jaw dropped.

"Wow," Krieger shook his head. "Wow!"

"Hey I was right about the drugs!" Archer pointed out. "Nazi Cyril took drugs. Regular Cyril took steroids. Practically the same thing!"

"You had Cyril attack you with a giant mech robot?" Krieger looked at Archer. "In the beginning of World War II?"

"Well it was obviously a steampunk version of one," Archer said. "But yeah…Now that I think about it, it looked a lot like the mech robot on the spaceship with the pirates. Which I never even got to use. Hey! Maybe the robot represents how much I wanted to fight Barry with it?"

"No," Ray and Krieger said at the same time.

"Why not?" Archer asked.

"Because Cyril was the one driving it!" Ray snapped.

"God damn it," Archer groaned.

"Was Barry in the dream?" Krieger asked.

"No, but some other blond guy was," Archer admitted. "Nazi who took my eye out in a dogfight."

"Okay…" Ray blinked.

"Interesting you didn't see Barry as a Nazi," Krieger remarked.

"Well I never thought Barry was that bad," Archer pointed out. "A douche maybe but not Nazi bad."

"Yet Cyril was…" Ray shook his head.

"Plus, I'm pretty sure Barry is Jewish," Archer blinked. "So, the profile wouldn't fit him anyway."

"Those songs he sang to you in Hebrew were a clue," Krieger nodded.

"Here's what really shook me though," Archer admitted. "Somehow…Lana's parents were completely different people! I mean I know who Lana's parents are. I've met them! Why would I imagine them as completely different people I've never seen before?"

"Did you offer yourself as part of a three way with them?" Ray asked.

"In the dream?" Archer asked. "Not in real…Oh…"

"That's why," Ray said.

"You were attempting a do-over with Lana's parents," Krieger said. "It's this Cyril as your equal thing that I'm interested in."

"Oh please! He wasn't my equal even with the giant mech robot!" Archer barked.

"Did he sleep with Lana in that dream?" Krieger asked.

Archer blinked. "Son of a bitch."

"Wow," Ray shook his head and took a drink. "Just wow."

"Who was I in that dream?" Krieger asked.

"You were…" Archer paused. "My other member of the crew. Faithful companion."

"Awww," Krieger said. "Hang on. Was I a dog?"

"No," Archer said. "You were a parrot."

"Well that's one way of giving Krieger the bird," Ray quipped.

"Okay I can't help but see a pattern already," Krieger told Archer. "You see Cyril as your rival and possible equal…"

"No, I don't," Archer protested.

"You do," Ray told him.

"Your mother is a powerful and dangerous woman who has some control over your life," Krieger went on. "And you are in awe of her."

"Oh please," Archer waved. "Okay she did take out a whole bunch of Nazis single handedly and…Oh."

"Yeah," Krieger nodded. "And you see Cheryl as more competent than you want to believe."

"We all don't want to believe Cheryl is more competent than she is," Ray pointed out.

"Pam is your best friend," Krieger added. "Lana is your ultimate conquest which you know won't last…"

"Excuse me!" Archer was stunned.

"And I'm some kind of weird companion to you," Krieger added. "Which is pretty sweet if you think about it."

"And me?" Ray asked.

"You have some competency but can't be relied on in a crisis," Krieger added.

"God damn it," Ray groaned.

"Again, that one was pretty accurate too," Archer admitted. "In fact, a lot of the island adventure was pretty much like my life. Except for Cyril obviously. And the Nazis verses cannibals fight. And I didn't have sex with Lana in the dream, that's fiction. Oh, and I had an eyepatch. And I thought I was immortal."

"I think that last one is true to form," Krieger told him.

"Okay explain the volcano thing again," Ray asked. "Why were you near a volcano in the first place?"

"Well it was an island," Archer told him. "But I get what you're saying. We were all trying to get this treasure inside the volcano which turned out to be uranium. Carved uranium. Weird."

"The volcano could represent your self-destructive impulses," Krieger paused. "Which you fell into."

"Only to take out Cyril!" Archer snapped. "Wait a minute…"

"Oh yeah," Ray rolled his eyes. "You don't see Cyril as a threat to you at all!"

"Shut up!" Archer barked.