In Space No One Can Hear You Screwing Up
"Let's go to the third dream," Krieger suggested. "What happened in that one?"
"The third dream was the weirdest," Archer admitted. "We were in outer space. I was the captain of the Starship Seamus."
"The Starship Seamus?" Ray looked at him. "As in Trinette's kid? The one you tattooed?"
"That's the one," Archer sighed. "Our insignia was an ocelot. Babou."
"Oh boy…" Krieger snickered as he took a drink.
"After I fell in the lava I woke up from some kind of space age sleep container," Archer explained. "Which to me explained the other two dreams."
"And why you weren't dead from falling into lava," Ray added.
"Exactly," Archer nodded. "Mother was there. Lana was my ex-wife and technically co-captain of the ship. But only because she had a really good lawyer!"
"Hello!" Ray rolled his eyes.
"Mother could change herself into a ball of light," Archer blinked. "She can't do that for real, right?"
"If you have to ask…" Krieger shook his head. "Was I there?"
"Yes, you were an android," Archer told him.
"YES!" Krieger pumped his fist in excitement.
"Dare I ask what you dreamt about me?" Ray asked. "Who was I on that ship?"
"You were a courtesan," Archer explained. "Like a gay geisha. Who used to be a galactic judge."
"I was a judge that became a courtesan?" Ray blinked. "Yeah I can see that happening."
"What?" Krieger looked at Ray.
"I used to be a preacher before…" Ray paused. "Well let's just say the courtesan thing isn't that far off."
"Cyril was there being useless," Archer waved. "Pam was some kind of giant rock monster. Cheryl was a bad ass fighter pilot. But you know? Still herself with a death wish. Barry was a full robot assassin after me because I stole some shit from him."
"So, it's basically Archer in Space," Ray remarked.
"Pretty much yeah," Archer admitted. "It had space pirates. Space monsters. Space ocelots. Aliens. Crazed space robots. Drugged up space eggs. Dead clones. Gladiator fights. A sentient doomsday device Cheryl had sex with."
"That doesn't sound that much different than your real life," Krieger added. "You just added space in front of everything."
"Did you do a Star Wars rip off?" Ray asked.
"I prefer to think of it as a tribute," Archer told him. "But yeah…"
"Okay…" Ray asked. "Was there any part of that dream that stands out to you? Anything besides you being divorced from Lana?"
"Well…" Archer paused. "Lana kept bitching about how much she wanted to go back to Earth."
"And you didn't," Krieger guessed.
"Why would I go back to Earth?" Archer snorted as he took a drink.
"Yeah why would you give up Space Fantasy Land for real life and all the problems that come with it?" Ray asked sarcastically.
"Exactly!" Archer nodded. "Wait a minute…"
"Okay Archer," Krieger sighed. "Obviously your brain was telling you that Lana wanted more from life than what you wanted. Another reason why you two were never going to work out."
"Ugh again with that space chestnut?" Archer groaned. "Hang on. I just remembered something else."
"What?" Ray asked.
Archer winced. "I tried to kill Lana with a magazine."
"By magazine you mean a space weapon?" Krieger asked.
"No, an actual paper magazine!" Archer admitted. "I tried to choke her with it."
"You tried to kill her again?" Ray asked.
"That would imply I killed her the first time!" Archer snapped.
"You did!" Ray told him. "In your first dream!"
"That was technically Mother and Poovey!" Archer protested.
"With your gun," Krieger added. "Archer your dream, your gun. You were responsible. We've been over that."
Archer thought a moment. "I remember feeling very angry at Lana while I was doing that. I was so full of rage. Do you think it's possible that my subconscious knew Lana had moved on?"
"As Carl Jung would say…" Krieger paused. "DUH!"
"You also have some repressed anger issues you need to work on," Ray added.
"Not that repressed," Krieger added.
"Maybe that's why she told me I was always going to die alone?" Archer thought.
"Seriously?" Ray did a double take.
"We were talking about it while trapped in the stomach of some kind of space octopus," Archer admitted.
"Ground Control to Captain Obvious…" Krieger remarked.
"You know…?" Archer looked at him.
"It's like your subconscious was going out of it's way to send you a message," Ray added. "A big one!"
"Nothing subtle about that," Krieger nodded.
"What the dying alone conversation or being trapped in the belly of a space octopus?" Archer asked.
"All of it!" Krieger told him. "Talking about dying alone while in a deadly situation?"
"How many more obvious signs do you need?" Ray asked.
Archer paused. "Does it matter if the person we were trapped with turned out to be an insane cannibal?"
"Oh. My. God," Ray was stunned.
"I have no words," Krieger sighed. "I have no words."
"You need help Archer," Ray said. "Real help. Professional help."
"I'm fine!" Archer scoffed. "Besides if I need to talk to someone, I'll talk to you guys. Like I'm doing now."
"Except that you're not really talking to us," Krieger said as Archer took a drink.
"What?" Archer asked. Then his eyes widened as he saw what was in front of him. "Uh oh…"
In front of him was Crackers and Courtesan Ray. "Yeah, you're not going to like where this is going," Crackers told him.
"So…" Archer pieced it together. "This whole conversation about analyzing my coma dreams…Was just a dream?"
"Uh huh," Courtesan Ray nodded.
"And I'm currently asleep in my office," Archer realized.
"Uh, no…" Crackers told him.
"Okay asleep at home," Archer asked. "And the whole banquet never happened and it wasn't real. Not canon."
"Oh, the banquet was totally real," Courtesan Ray told him. "It happened."
"Well maybe not everything at the banquet happened the way I thought it did," Archer shrugged.
"You're right," Crackers told him. "It was worse."
"Worse? How could it have been…?" Archer began. "Uh oh…"
Then he started to remember.
FLASHBACK!
"You ruined my life you bastard!" A well dressed blond woman screamed at Archer at a bar.
"Do I know you?" Archer asked as he took a drink.
FLASHBACK!
"YOU SLEPT WITH MY WIFE!" A man yelled at Archer at the bar.
"Who was she exactly?" Archer asked. "Going to need a name here dude."
"You bastard!" The man reached to punch Archer. He morphed into a space pirate.
Archer punched him out. "Take that space pirate! HA!" Then he saw the man morph back to normal. "Oh, wait you're not a space pirate."
FLASHBACK!
Several men and women had surrounded Archer. "You ruined my life!" A woman screamed.
"You ruined my marriage!" A man shouted.
"You punched out my husband!" A woman shouted. "And nearly wrecked my marriage!"
"So, you're saying all your problems are my fault?" Archer barked.
"GET HIM!" A woman screamed.
Soon a rush of angry women and some men were attacking Archer. Before he knew it, the attackers changed into cannibals, then space pirates wearing 1940' gangster outfits.
"AAGGGGH!" Archer screamed as he started to fight back. Very violently. With a few broken bones and a lot of blood added to the mix. As well as using his cane to shock several of the attackers.
FLASHBACK!
"How did I end up in a freaking jungle?" Archer looked around him. He was indeed in a huge jungle. "Oh well, when in Rome…" He started to undress.
Meanwhile in the real world a man went to the coat room to retrieve his coat.
Only to be tackled by Archer in his underwear. "Take that space cannibal!" He whooped before running off. "UNGA BUNGA! ARCHER OF THE JUNGLE!"
"Oww…" The poor man lay hurt on the floor.
FLASHBACK!
"AAAAHHH!" Archer did a poor Tarzan yell as he thought he was swinging from tree to tree. When actually he was using the low hanging chandeliers to jump around onto the tables.
"Sterling Mallory Archer!" Mallory screamed. "I don't know what the hell you are on, but you'd better have not gotten it out of my stash!"
"I knew it!" A woman shouted. "I knew Mallory Archer did drugs!"
"OH, SHUT UP DEHAVERSHAM!" Mallory shouted.
"Yeah shut up!" Archer turned around. "Are you the one with the daughter that looks like a gorilla? The one Mother wants me to seduce?"
"EXCUSE ME!" A gorilla in a red dress screamed.
"Oh my God she really is a gorilla," Archer snickered. "No wonder she can't get laid!"
"WHAT?" The mother gorilla standing next to the other gorilla shouted.
"Sorry Mother but I'm not sleeping with a gorilla so you can get back at her mother," Archer told Mallory.
"Why not?" Mallory shouted. "You had no problems sleeping with Pam!"
"I knew it!" The mother gorilla screamed. "I knew you would do something so low, Mallory Archer! You're just jealous of my daughter's virtue!"
"It's not as much virtue Mrs. Gorilla," Archer called out. "Is the fact that not too many men want to commit bestiality!"
To this the gorillas screamed incoherently. "Watch out Mother!" Archer grabbed a candle from a nearby table. "The gorillas are trying to attack! Turn into a ball light or something! Bombs away!"
He threw the candle which missed the gorillas. But it seemed to catch fire on a tree stump. Actually, it caught fire on a tablecloth. "OH MY GOD!" People screamed as the tablecloth caught on fire.
"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Archer laughed as he ran off.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Oh, that's not good…" Archer winced. "Ugh, Mother will not be happy tomorrow."
"Is she ever happy?" Courtesan Ray asked. "Anytime?"
"Maybe I'll stay home today?" Archer groaned.
"Good idea," Crackers said. "Now all you have to do is get there."
"What do you mean?" Archer asked.
"Go home," Courtesan Ray and Crackers said at the same time.
"What?" Archer asked.
"Go home!" They said as one. "GO HOME!"
The next thing Archer knew is that he was being poked with a broom. "Go home! Go home mac!" An old grizzled janitor told him.
"What?" Archer sat up. He was on the floor of Pita Margarita's in his underwear. "How the hell did I get here?"
"Don't know, don't care," The janitor told him. "Could you get out of here so I can clean up?! Almost every night I find one of you drunks passed out on the floor of this joint. Ever hear of a designated driver?"
"Hey, have you ever heard of courteous service?" Archer snapped.
"I don't get paid enough for that," The janitor told him. "Now scram!"
"Okay fine!" Archer got up and looked around. "Have you seen my pants?"
"Who do I look like?" The janitor asked. "Calvin Klein?"
"I hate it when my mornings start out like this," Archer groaned.
"Not exactly a thrill for me either," The janitor told him.