As life unfolds, we learn what to truly fear. We move on from the monster under the bed, the boogie man In the dark, the ghost in the attic, the collective, misunderstood characters of our innocence. I've learned in my life, there's much to truly fear. However, I was surprised to learn, that it's not about the explosive impacts, sending us cowering into the corners, it's about the damage it leaves behind, the consequences coming to collect their debt. The Fallout.
L.A 2020 – MAIN HOUSE
Elle leans casually against the wall. Arms crossed and looking every bit as vicious and intimidating as the last time I saw her. A cunning smile, spreads on her lips. A smile, not unfamiliar to me. A smile that says, I've already won. Even after all these years, her very presence still makes me shrink away on the inside. She's the cat, and everyone in her presence is the mouse.
"You know, Sidney? I like you." Her tone is so sincere. But just like her outward, pinup style beauty, it's empty on the inside. "I mean, I'd be just as happy to see you ripped to shreds, but, -DAMN, I just love a fearless woman." She laughs under her breath, shaking her head, like she's in on a joke, I can't hear.
"But you know what infuriates me the most?" she continues, moving from the wall. "It's the fact, that when we're done with our little chat, you're going to get in your car, and drive away." she perches on the arm of the couch, crossing her long legs, jutting from her black pencil skirt, her red, high heeled foot, bouncing slightly. "And even though, you'll be gone, you'll still somehow be present in this house. As you always have been." She looks off, thoughtfully, towards the ceiling. "You're present, every time Robert gets that distant look in his eyes, every time he goes off somewhere, in his head; -and I have to sit there and wonder, is he thinking of her? Is she the one, stealing him away into his mind?"
She rises from the couch and moves towards me, and I feel my heart pick up its pace. "But you know, Sidney? I've learned to deal with it. Because he might think of you from time to time, but -he's still mine." She's standing only inches in front of me now, like a snake that could strike at any moment.
She reaches over my shoulder and picks up the ring box from the bookshelf. She flips it open, a smile growing on her lips as she gazes down at it. "Beautiful isn't it?" She turns it for me to see. My stomach turns as I think, how could he do this? How could he possibly go through with this? I look away from it, before my heart implodes. "He has good taste," she nods, "Well, especially after his taste changed a while back." She snaps the ring box shut. "You want it?," she says, holding it out to me. "If you want it, take it, it's yours." She smiles wickedly, when she sees the tears forming in my eyes, as I glare at her. "Go ahead, Sidney. Try it on," she says, leaning into me, her face almost touching mine. "Because it'll be the closest to him you'll ever be again."
All the fear that's been building inside of me, suddenly vanishes and is now replaced with pure, blind, rage. -Fuck it. I'll fight for him.
"Thank you, Elle, really. I always enjoy listening to a shitty monologue spewed from a villainess, cunt. But I'm bored now," I say, starting towards the door.
"You fucking, bitch!" I feel the force of her hands in a heavy blow to my back. I can't catch myself quick enough and I feel the searing pain as my face meets the corner of the couch-side table. Thanks to adrenaline, I'm back on my feet in a matter of seconds, facing her wild eyes. I feel something tickle my chin, and without breaking eye contact, I wipe the back of hand across my mouth. Blood.
"You can bust my lip, and break everything inside of me, Elle. It's not going to make him love you more."
"He loves me, just fine. Trust me," she taunts. "He's happy with me. You do nothing but make him miserable."
"I think I made him, pretty fucking happy, MULTIPLE times this week," I shoot back. Of course that was between the fights and the tears, I think to myself.
Her eyes turn dangerous, and I'm half expecting her to put the spike of her high heel into my neck. But instead, she seems to suddenly calm. She turns away from me, taking a few steps towards the bookcase, before she turns back.
"You're so naïve, Sidney," she says, coldly. "Do you really think that just because you two played in bed together this week that it meant something?" I didn't think there was any part of my heart left to break. But her words just proved me wrong and she smiles, because she can see it on my face. "We had an argument, I left. It's an age old tale. You're nothing more than a one-time mistake."
I stand there, watching her eyes, so cold, so satisfied, so confident that she's won the game of who can hurt each other more. I know now, that she's ultimately won, Bo. I have no place in that anymore. I've lost him, for good. But, as for the game, at least, I have one more move. From the dark, petty, corners of my shattered heart, an uncontrollable laugh, rises out of me.
"What the hell is so funny?" She snaps.
It takes a few more moments before I can control the laughter, and I sigh. "Jesus, Elle," I say, feeling my busted bottom lip, protesting my smile. "You, are so beautiful, and as much as I hate to admit it, I really thought you were brilliant. But you have to be stupid, to think this week is the first time he's fucked me behind your back."
Her face twists in rage as she grabs a vase from the bookcase and hurls it at me. It misses me and shatters on the floor. "GET OUT!"
I turn, and make my way outside, crossing the yard to the Guest House to get my things, and go.
CHRISTMAS EVE 2012 – DANVERS MA
After nailing my midterms, the weight of school lifted and I was feeling every bit of the Christmas spirit as I flew home to Danvers. Last Christmas was a hollow occasion after losing dad and we didn't even put up a tree. But this year, I was determined that It was going to be a fun, festive occasion. Teagan, Michael, and I, caught the same flight, and I could barely sit still as we hurdled towards Massachusetts.
Ian wasn't able to come along. He stayed behind at Stanford, interning at the hospital to get ready for his upcoming graduation. I wasn't terribly disappointed. We'd been arguing a lot lately. His schedule was slam packed between the workload of his senior year, internship and coaching at the gym. My schedule wasn't as busy, but between classes and studying, I was practicing screenplay writing in my narrow window of free time, and it was beginning to put a strain on us. But I set it all aside for the time being, and was ecstatic to see Morgan jumping up and down with excitement, when we made it to baggage claim.
"My gorgeous, grown up, baby sister!" She squealed, taking me into a deep hug.
"I missed you!" I said, squeezing the air out of her puffy, winter jacket. I noticed over her shoulder, a seemingly nervous, dark headed guy, hovering close by.
"Who's the cutie?" I asked, releasing her from my grasp.
"Oh! Sidney, this is my boyfriend Paul. Paul, this is my gorgeous little sister, Sidney," she said, waving him closer.
"It's nice to finally put a face to the name," Paul smiled, shaking my hand.
"Welcome to Danvers, Paul," I beamed, watching my sister look at him, totally awestruck.
Teagan and Michael caught up to me with their rolling luggage in tow. "My mom's here. We're going to get settled in at my house, but we'll head over later this evening," Teagan said.
"See you then," I waved, as they headed off. We decided on the plane to have a fun Christmas Eve night together before we had to split off to be with family on Christmas.
"You guys are doing a thing, tonight?" Morgan asked as we headed to the parking garage.
"Yeah, you and Paul want to join?"
"Nah, were going to hang out with Mom and Aaron. Help get ready for tomorrow," she explained. "Bo came home for Christmas, though. Maybe he'd like to hang out with you guys."
I paused in my steps. I hadn't even considered Bo making it home for the holidays. He wasn't able to come home the year before, and from what I'd heard, he was busier than ever right now, gearing up for a series with MTV. I hadn't seen Bo since the funeral, almost a year and a half ago. This should be interesting, I thought to myself, as I threw my luggage into the trunk.
Once we were home, I gave mom and Aaron a round of hugs before I took my luggage upstairs and then headed through the snow covered lawn, over to the Burnham's. Bo and I had only spoken briefly, over text, a couple of times since I saw him, so, I was pretty excited about the possibility to hang out with him.
"Well look at you, gorgeous!" Pete shouted upon opening the door.
"Hey there, Pete," I smiled, giving him a quick hug before walking in.
"Look who's here, mom." Pete said over to Patty, who was standing at the kitchen island, aggressively whipping something in a bowl. She gasped, dropping the whisk onto the counter, throwing her arms out as she headed to me with a huge smile.
"Well, isn't good to see that beautiful girl of mine!" She said, squeezing me into a hug. "You should go surprise Robert, he's up in his room," she said, patting my back before releasing me. I headed to the stairs. "Oh! Did your mom tell you? We're doing a group Christmas dinner, like old times, at your house tomorrow evening."
"Well that sounds fun, Can't wait," I smiled at her over my shoulder, before heading upstairs. Bo's bedroom door was barely cracked, and I knocked. "It's Sidney," I called. He must have been standing right on the other side of the door, because he snatched it open playfully. Causing me to jump.
"Well, merry Christmas, you filthy animal!" He smiled, reaching out for a hug.
"I can't believe you made it home, this year." I said, into his sweater covered chest.
He dropped his arms and spun around, tossing some luggage off of his bed before he sat down. "Yeah, mom insisted and I needed the break anyway," he said rubbing the back of his neck.
"Well, Teagan and Michael are coming over tonight, to hang out for Christmas Eve. You down?"
"Hell yeah, I'm bored as shit," he grinned.
Teagan brought, not one, but two, huge bottles of what she referred to as, 'Christmas in a bottle.' The rightful name was Goldschlager, and as, she, Michael, Bo and I, took another round of shots, I was beginning to think of the gold flaked, cinnamon overload as a guaranteed hangover. We all sat in a small circle on the floor of the pool house, playing Cards Against Humanity. We'd laughed ourselves into a dizzy frenzy, and lost track of time, hours back.
"Seriously, Bo!" Teagan kicked her feet as we all howled with laughter towards the ceiling. "What is your fucking deal with the microphone stands, bro?"
I wiped the tears of laughter from my eyes, watching Bo throw his cards into the air and smash the heel of palms into his eyes as he shook with laughter. "They actively work against me, I swear to god!" Bo shouted.
"Aww, leave him alone, Teagan," I giggled. "A lot of those stagehands are untrained, circus clowns."
"That's right," Bo said, bumping his shoulder to mine, grinning at me.
"Mmm, hmm," Teagan, nodded, eyeing us.
Michael picked up his phone and squinted at the screen. "Our Uber's here, we gotta go."
I walked with them across the snow packed lawn, leaving Bo behind, playing on his phone, in the pool house.
"You and Bo, better behave tonight," Teagan grinned, as we walked. "Neither one of you, are single, and I've seen you guys eyeing each other all night."
I laughed, as we made it to the Uber, waiting at the end of my driveway. "I don't know, Teagan. You know how sexy Christmas can be," I mused.
She flashed a smile, rolling her eyes, "Merry Christmas, love. I'll see you back in Stanford."
I made my way back to the pool house, thinking about what Teagan said. Bo mentioned his girlfriend earlier in the evening. Something about some, writer, producer, girl he met, at an indie film festival, in L.A. I was thankful for Teagan's intoxicating Christmas elixir, because it helped keep the fire of jealousy I had, from spiraling.
Bo stood at the counter, bobbing his blonde head, drumming his fingers on the surface, to some music playing, once I made it back inside.
"Well that was fun," I laughed, sliding my jacket off, and tossing it on the couch.
"Yeah it was," he nodded, "Michael's pretty quiet, huh?"
"Yeah, that's just Michael," I smiled, propping my arms on the opposite side of the counter. "Of course, -he still might be a little freaked, after your Halloween drop in, that one year."
He laughed under his breath. "Well, I'm glad to see his necklace plan paid off with Teagan, at least."
"Yeah, Ian picks on him all the time about that," I said, reaching over for the bottle of liquid Christmas. Bo slid a shot glass my way and poured himself one after me.
"How's that going? With Ian?" Bo, asked as we absent mindedly tapped our glasses and took down a shot.
I shrugged. "It's alright, you know? I mean, it's fine. Things are good."
He grinned, "Say it, one more way, and I'll believe you, Sid."
I huffed a laugh, shaking my head. "I don't know. It's been a little rough. We barely have time to see each other, and when he actually has time to hang out, he expects me to drop everything, like he's the center of my universe. He's been acting like a prick about it."
He nodded, and quietly thought for a moment, the music filling the silence.
"Is he good to you, though?" He asked, behind a thin veil of sadness.
"Yeah, of course. Just, not quite as charming, as he was in the beginning, I guess. He's been stressed out."
His troubled brows seemed to pull for a moment, and then relaxed. "Well, tell him to take a chill pill," he grinned.
I smiled. "Okay - so, back to the microphone stand situation."
Bo threw his head back, laughing. "Bitch, we are DONE with that."
"No, I've got another question!" I giggled. "Hear me out!"
"Okay, okay. I'm listening."
"What is your DEAL with the hecklers, Bo? I mean, Geeeeez!"
"No, NO! I don't want to hear it," he laughed, "I swear, if you come to my comedy show, and you want to show out, like you're somebody, -Imma fuck you up. I DO not care."
My forehead rested on the counter, both of us laughing. I look up at him. "Seriously, though, I started thinking. -I'll bet, he's going out there and like, serial killing these people after the show."
"Killer, Comedian strikes again," Bo mused.
"The Heckler Hacker," I giggled.
"He WILL, have the last laugh," Bo said in a low announcer voice.
"I'd watch that movie, that's all I'm saying," I said, shrugging.
Bo looked over my shoulder. "It's snowing again."
"Oh, let's go look!" I said, heading to the door. I ran out, into the snow, totally bypassing my jacket. Although the ground was covered in it when I arrived earlier in the day, I was excited to actually see it falling. California got chilly, but never made it close to snowing. The flood lights from the back of our houses, and the one mounted above the pool house, lit up the whole area.
Bo headed out behind me, and we stood in falling snow, for a few quiet minutes, huffing our visible breath into the air. All the sudden, I gasped, feeling a blast of cold. My hair was swept into a messy bun and Bo had just planted a fistful of snow on my bare neck. Behind me, he burst into a fit of laughter. I reached down, scooping up snow and turned, chucking it, into his face, making it past his hands held up in defense. It turned into all-out war. We ran around the open space in front of the pool house, launching snow balls at each other, screaming, laughing, totally disregarding the time, being well past midnight. I assume, our general drunken state, is the reason it took a while for us to realize how truly cold it was. After a while, be ran back into the pool house, freezing, soaked, and gasping for air.
"Jesus, it's COLD!" Bo yelled, as we made it back into the warmth. He walked straight to the counter, pouring us both another shot. He looked up, laughing, as I approached, shivering.
"What are YOU laughing at?," I smiled, pulling my arms around me for warmth. "Look at YOU!" Bo's hair, was damn near close to dripping wet. He shook his head, violently, sending little specs of water into the air.
"This will help warm you up," He smiled, handing me a shot. I carried it with me, leaning against the wall, under the ceiling vent, taking in the warm air from the heater on my skin. His eyes seemed to linger on me for a moment. Without a word, he raised his glass, I matched him, and we threw back another round of burning cinnamon.
I looked down at my clothes, laughing. "It's 2am, Christmas morning, and I'm standing here looking like a drunk, wet dog," I mused, shaking my head.
Bo's expression was heavy but unreadable, as he gazed at me, from across the room.
I watched him for a moment, and then smiled. "What is it? You don't like my wet dog, look?" He brushed his soaked hair back, away from his face, and moved across the room, stopping in front of me, and I sank under the surface of his gaze.
"It's fucking devastating," he said, quietly. My heart stalled, as he took the glass from my hand, and set it on the window seal by my shoulder. He reached, just under, the bottom of my damp shirt, running his warm thumb, slowly across my hip bone. My body was set ablaze, from the inside out. He lifted my shirt over my head, letting it fall, from his hand, to the floor. Wet strands of his hair, spilled forward, as his eyes left mine, traveling down, just under my bra, where he touched his fingers to my skin, brushing them lower and lower. A smile, slowly forming on his lips.
"What did you get me for Christmas?" He asked.
I struggled to find the breath to speak. "I didn't know you'd be home."
His eyes lift to mine, gazing at me under his lashes, "Well, that's not gonna do." He said, pulling his shirt over his head, sending it to join mine, on the floor.
The only thought, capable of running through my head, was wondering, where the fuck this incredibly sexy version of him came from? I mean, he always had been, but he had my body, clawing at him from the inside. And he'd barely even touched me, at that point.
"What'd you get for me?" I asked.
He kept his eyes low, unbuttoning my jeans. "Hardback, original print, Great Gatsby."
He moved closer, slowly lowering the waist of my jeans. I tilted my head, back onto the wall, trying to catch my breath.
"Original print?" I asked, weakly.
"Mmm -Hmm." His body sank, peeling my jeans down my legs.
"How much money are you actually making?" I looked down at him as he tossed my jeans aside, and stood.
"A lot" He answered, slipping his pants to the floor and kicking them away.
"How do you always think of these amazing gifts?"
He reached out, sliding his hand behind my neck, leaning his mouth to my ear.
"I think about you, more often than I should."
His fingers traced up my neck, and he pulled at the band in my hair, sending it falling around my shoulders. His slid his arms around, un fastening my bra. Leaning away, he slipped the straps off my shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. He stood, drinking my body into his heavy eyes. He reached out, running his thumb across my lips.
"Sidney?" His voice was silk.
"Yes?" A hint of a smile played on his lips.
"There's going to be strings attached."
He grabbed my arm, pulling me into him, and his mouth moved on mine in this way I had never felt. This, kind of slow motion. Observing every microsecond of our lips moving on each other, just for the sake of feeling them. I die a little, in his arms as they wrap around me.
I don't know how long it went on. After we sank into the couch. After he went to places I'd never felt him. After he held me tighter than I'd ever known. After I swept his damp hair away from his face as he moved, and for the first time, I knew what it felt like, to not feel alone. Not even in my own head. He was with me. In that moment. Brand new, to me.
As we laid there, watching the morning light catch up with us; He looked over to me. "You ground me, Sid. When I'm lost. You always remind me of where I'm safe."
And that, -was the last moment, everything was okay.